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Health

10 former bullies share what inspired them to become kinder

Change is possible.

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Bullying is often modeled by parental behavior.

Bullies are made, not born. Bullying traits might be picked up in a variety of ways, but violence, aggression and cruelty are most certainly learned behaviors during a child’s development.

The book “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Child and Adolescent Psychology,” co-authored by psychiatrist Jack C. Westman M.D. and science writer Victoria Costello, lists five major factors that most often lead to bullying: physical punishment, watching aggressive behavior in adults, violent television, problems with processing emotions and undiagnosed mental illness.

The underlying theme in these causes? A lack of empathy. Bullies are often taught—whether directly or subversively—that dominance and control are more vital than compassion and understanding. This results in pain for not only the intended target, but for the oppressor themselves.

how to stop a bullyHurt people hurt people. Photo by yang miao on Unsplash

But just as it can be learned, bullying can be unlearned—through supportive friendships, trusted role models and maybe even professional help. People are always capable of change when given the necessary tools to do so.

Recently, a Reddit user asked former bullies (and former “mean girls,” for as we all know this is not necessarily a gender-specific phenomenon) to share what “finally brought a change.”

The answers were inspiring. They not only showed that yes, the adage is true, “hurt people hurt people,” but also that powerful transformation can happen simply by taking accountability. Many of these former bullies admitted to growing up in less-than-ideal environments and did not know any other way to cope. But eventually they were given fresh insight, and with that were better able to choose kindness.

The world might seem like a cold and uncaring place at times, but these 10 stories are a beautiful reminder that change is always possible.

“Wasn't really a bully but I wasn't nice either. I…was mean to people who I thought deserved it, and it didn't help that there were also other people who were just as mean and judgmental as I was. It got to the point that I was needlessly fighting my friends and only when I was confronted about my attitude and I got to hear my friend's perspective that I shifted.

…Took a lot of time and educated myself on how to be better. Also therapy lol. Anger management, anxiety management, etc. I couldn't erase who I was and I accept that part of me. I'm not saying I'm all perfect now…I know there's still a lot of work to do, but all in all it's loads better than before. I'm glad I had the chance to grow up and get better." – @AnxiousCrownNinja

“Right after high school was the turning point for me… I was having a lot of discord with my own friends due to my attitude and it took hearing their honest feedback about how my approach was alienating them for me to start doing major self reflection. I decided I didn't want people to fear me and I certainly didn't want to alienate my own friends, so I started talking less and listening more. I made an honest effort to care more about people as individuals-I got interested in the unique strengths each person brings to the table and did what I could to start learning from others. I humbled myself a lot over the years. I worked on saying I'm sorry and admitting when I was wrong. And years later I've gotten into therapy to continue to work on myself. I'll never be warm and fuzzy as that's just not my personality, but I'm a much better person than I was when I was younger.” – @Babhak

“Was essentially bullied at home by my family and I took it out on those around me. Thankfully I had some friends that let me know I was being a dick and I apologized to the people I hurt, I'll always hate myself for the way I acted and I don't think that will ever change. I still catch myself being a grumbling asshole sometimes but I will never let myself be who I used to be.” – @raikonai

“I got a job as a video game tester and worked with people who were bullied when they were younger. We'd tell stories and things I found funny they found traumatic and mean. As cliche as it is, I never thought about it from their perspective or thought my behavior was bullying until then. Helped me see it from the other side, I'm much more empathic now. Pretty ashamed about my behavior when I was younger.” – @GCJallDAY

“When I realized I was just like my dad, and I really dislike my dad.” – @kastawamy

what cause bullying, cyberbullying

We don't have to become our parents.

Photo by Muhmed Alaa El-Bank on Unsplash

“I come from a small town where families have generational feuds. It also didn't help that my family is poor and very ghetto/redneck and very racially mixed. All of my aunts and uncles and parents are some form of addict in one way or another. I didn't have a chance. I truly didn't. The kids I went to school with weren't allowed to hang out with me and my siblings. I remember going to a friend's house and their parents asked me my last name and they told me to leave once they heard it. I was severely bullied in elementary school and teachers didn't care to help because of the family I came from. I had one teacher just be vicious to me because my mom was selling her kid weed. I was pretty much feral and didn't have manners and just in general an autistic kid.

So I quickly learned that anger was the best shield. I bullied my bullies back. They can't catch you off guard if you're the attacker. I fought the people who came at my family with as much violence as they gave me. It bled onto kids who were friends with my bullies. They turned into essentially collateral damage. I was a bully but I was also the blood in the water in a school system that encouraged violence. It's taken me a long time to deal with [what] my home town put me through. I switched towns and changed my name. That helped a lot. I ended up in juvy after a giant fight with several family members. To say I was scared straight is an understatement. I was required to go to group therapy as part of the program I was put in to reform me. The judge knew my family and gave me a shot I took advantage of. He played a huge role in my mindset on my circumstance. I learned how to handle my trauma in a more productive way over the course of years and so much hard work. I ended up having to change my name so I wouldn't be harassed by cops and those who knew my family.

I'll definitely say this again—I grew up in a system where you had to do everything you could to survive. I can't really stomach what I did…I've left apologies in so many inboxes as an adult. I've even made friends with some of them.” – @beastgalblue

“Over time and with new experiences, I stopped hating myself and my life. Then, I started seeing value in my existence and realized I actually impacted people. Happiness, for myself and others, became my reason for living. My middle school health teacher used to tell us that bullies are hurting and that's why they bully. Miss Costello, wherever you are, you were right. I've never met a bully who was happy with themselves or their life. I tell my students all the time that hurt people hurt people, and I stand by that. The fastest way to help a bully change is to show them love, kindness, and compassion.” – @mha3620

“I was a mean girl. Cheer, popular, thought I was better than everyone else. During summer break in high school I went to camp. I was bullied by some of the other girls there so relentlessly. From hazing, to humiliating me, lying to get me in trouble. It was bad. After that I changed. Wish it was earlier.” – @lesbomommy

means girls, girl bullies

Learning from mistakes is all part of the human experience.

Photo by Scotty Turner on Unsplash

“I was one of those jocks who picks on the weaker kids who couldn’t really defend themselves, in order to make the crowd laugh…It was never anything too physical or over the top, so parents or others never got involved, but I know that I made life a pain for some individuals while in elementary school.

Anyhow, this PE teacher of mine took me into his office after hours one day and explained that I should try to use my authority better, and that while it might feel good to make others laugh on someone else's behalf, it feels a lot better to be an overall good guy.

Never really had any good male influence in my life before that, so that really stuck with me, and from high school and onward I tried to reach out and confront others in school that bullied others. Oftentimes we just don’t know better.” – @KingBob3922

“I grew up in an abusive home and did it out of self-protection. Verbally hurt them before they could hurt you. I know my behavior didn’t make me popular or really make me feel better but I needed to lash out on the easiest targets. fast forward to having no friends in my mid 20 s and needed to figure out why.

I actually became friends with older coworkers [and] as a proxy parental influence they gently guided me. ‘Why would you say that to someone? Why would you say that about yourself? Why do you talk that way? Why is everything a fight? What's wrong with being different? What's wrong with making mistakes?’ No judgments, just gentle questions that I couldn't answer until I looked hard at myself.

I'm glad that someone took the time to see past my anger, my pushing people away, my misery and saw a young person that just needed some kindness.” – @OrdinaryPride8811

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Woman's rare antique turned away from 'Antique Roadshow' for heart-wrenching reason

"I just love you for bringing it in and thank you so much for making me so sad."

Photos by Murat Rahim Caglak and Antoni Shkraba via Canva

Woman's antique turned away from 'Antique Roadshow'

People come by things in all sorts of ways. Sometimes you find something while at a garage sale and sometimes it's because a family member passed away and it was left to them. After coming into possession of the item, the owner may be tempted to see how much it's worth so it can be documented for insurance purposes or sold.

On a recent episode of BBC One's Antique Roadshow, a woman brought an ivory bracelet to be appraised. Interestingly enough, the expert didn't meet this rare find with excitement, but appeared somber. The antique expert, Ronnie Archer-Morgan carefully explains the purpose of the bracelet in what appears to be a tense emotional exchange.

There would be no appraisal of this antique ivory bracelet adorned with beautiful script around the circumference. Archer-Morgan gives a brief disclaimer that he and the Antique Roadshow disapprove of the trade of ivory, though that was not his reason for refusing the ivory bangle.

"This ivory bangle here is not about trading in ivory, it’s about trading in human life, and it’s probably one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever had to talk about. But talk about it we must," Archer-Morgan says.

Ronnie Archer-Morgan, Antiques Roadshow, BBC, antiques, ivoryRonnie Archer-Morgan on an episode of the BBC's Antiques RoadshowImage via Antqiues Roadshow


Turns out the woman had no idea what she had in her possession as she purchased it from an estate sale over 30 years before. One of the elderly residents she cared for passed away and the woman found the ivory bracelet among the things being sold. Finding the bangle particularly intriguing with the fancy inscription around it, she decided to purchase the unique piece of jewelry.

After explaining that his great-grandmother was once enslaved in Nova Scotia, Canada before being returned to Sierra Leone, Archer-Morgan concluded he could not price the item.

Antiques Roadshow, BBC, Ronnie Archer MorganRonnie Archer-Morgan holds the ivory bracelet he refused to valueImage via Antiques Roadshow/BBC

"I just don’t want to value it. I do not want to put a price on something that signifies such an awful business. But the value is in the lessons that this can tell people," he tells the woman.

In the end the woman leaves without knowing the monetary value of the item but with a wealth of knowledge she didn't have before visiting. Now she can continue to share the significance of the antique with others. Watch the full explanation below:


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

This article originally appeared last year.

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Family

'Wild child' shocked to be reunited with foster 'mama' from the '80s after emotional X post

"In the ‘80s, she took in a wild, ignorant WHITE child. Y'all, it wasn't the done thing in that area."

via Tamron Hall Show/YouTube

Hannah Smith and Essie Gilchrist reunited after 40 years.

It had been 40 years since Hannah Smith, then 54, had talked to Essie Gilchrist, whom she knew as ‘Mama Essie.' She wasn’t sure if she was alive, but Smith had to express her love for the woman who gave her stability at a time when her life was total chaos. In December 2023, she posted about the difference Gilchrist had made in her life over the year she lived with her and apologized for how she treated her all those years ago.

“I was 12 yrs old when my mother lost the ability to parent me safely. I was taken from her & put into a huge, scary children’s shelter. It took a long time but they finally found someone who would take in a deeply troubled, rather wild child like me,” Smith began a post on X. “I wasn’t all that nice to her. I stole from her. I ran up her phone bill calling my boyfriend. I eventually ran away & was put back in the shelter & never saw her again. I’m sure I broke her heart."

“And… The foundation of EVERYTHING I know about grace, abt dignity, abt fashion, makeup hair care (I still use a pick), elegance, excellence, self-care, patience, love, goodness, generosity & fierceness in the face of pain came from my Mama Essie,” Smith continued.


“Mama Essie, if you’re still with us or peering through the windows of heaven…thank you. From the bottom of my heart,” Smith concluded. “I heard you. I saw you. You made a difference, more than you’ll ever know.” The post went viral, amassing over 2 million views. After just a few hours, Macrina Juliana on X identified Gilchrist and sent Smith a photo. That's when Smith realized why she couldn't locate her. 'Mama Essie' had gotten married and changed her last name.



A lot had changed since the two first met in the 1980s. Smith is now a trauma therapist who lives in Washington state. It took a long time for Smith to find her footing in the world, but Gilchrest’s example was always top of mind mind. “After I left, I had two and a half decades of continued self-destruction,” Smith recalled on the “Tamron Hall Show.” “I was in a cult. I ran off to India all kinds of things. But all along the way, there was always this sense that there was something better, and I had a picture of what stability looked like.”

Gilchrist, now in her 70s, would go on to foster 20 more children over 30 years, and she is the president of the Women of Color International Stockton. She is also involved with the Junior League of San Joaquin County. She told The Stockton Record that her foster children are all her “gooddaughters” and that “God sent them to me.” She also has a daughter of her own.

Soon after Smith identified Gilchrist, the two had a 45-minute phone conversation. "Good Morning Lovelies... 45 minutes with Essie on the phone last night was amazing. So much I forgot," Smith wrote on X. "I’ve felt like I’ve been pacing, wandering...I feel my soul stirring again. I know my story helps people. I feel inspired, infused. I’m here for it. Good things are coming!!"

The two reunited in person on an episode of “The Tamron Hall Show,” where Smith shared her feelings. "I just want to thank you so much because there's no way in the world you would have known that I would come out like this,” Smith said. "I know that what you did every day, the places you took us, the things that you did, really set a good foundation. Thank you, Mama Essie.”

- YouTubewww.youtube.com


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Heroes

Nazis demanded to know if ‘The Hobbit’ author J.R.R. Tolkien was Jewish. His response was legendary.

J.R.R. Tolkien had no problem telling his German publishing house exactly what he thought.

J.R.R. Tolkien by Public Domain/ Wikimedia Commons Joseph Goebbels by Vitold Muratov/Wikimedia Commons

J.R.R. Tolkien didn't mince words when asked his opinion on Nazis

In 1933, Adolf Hitler handed the power of Jewish cultural life in Nazi Germany to his chief propagandist, Joseph Goebbels. Goebbels established a team of of regulators that would oversee the works of Jewish artists in film, theater, music, fine arts, literature, broadcasting, and the press.

Goebbels' new regulations essentially eliminated Jewish people from participating in mainstream German cultural activities by requiring them to have a license to do so.

This attempt by the Nazis to purge Germany of any culture that wasn't Aryan in origin led to the questioning of artists from outside the country.

J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings, Nazi, Nazis, book burning, censorship, The HobbitA Nazi book burning in GermanyImage via Wikicommons

In 1938, English author J. R. R. Tolkien and his British publisher, Stanley Unwin, opened talks with Rütten & Loening, a Berlin-based publishing house, about a German translation of his recently-published hit novel, "The Hobbit."

Privately, according to "1937 The Hobbit or There and Back Again," Tolkien told Unwin he hated Nazi "race-doctrine" as "wholly pernicious and unscientific." He added he had many Jewish friends and was considering abandoning the idea of a German translation altogether.

lord of the rings hobbits GIFGiphy

The Berlin-based publishing house sent Tolkien a letter asking for proof of his Aryan descent. Tolkien was incensed by the request and gave his publisher two responses, one in which he sidestepped the question, another in which he handled in '30s-style with pure class.

In the letter sent to Rütten & Loening, Tolkien notes that Aryans are of Indo-Iranian "extraction," correcting the incorrect Nazi aumption that Aryans come from northern Europe. He cuts to the chase by saying that he is not Jewish but holds them in high regard. "I regret that I appear to have no ancestors of that gifted people," Tolkien wrote.

Tolkien also takes a shot at the race policies of Nazi Germany by saying he's beginning to regret his German surname. "The time is not far distant when a German name will no longer be a source of pride," he writes.

Bryan Cranston Mic Drop GIFGiphy

Here's the letter sent to Rütten & Loening:

25 July 1938 20 Northmoor Road, Oxford
Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your letter. I regret that I am not clear as to what you intend by arisch. I am not of Aryan extraction: that is Indo-Iranian; as far as I am aware none of my ancestors spoke Hindustani, Persian, Gypsy, or any related dialects. But if I am to understand that you are enquiring whether I am of Jewish origin, I can only reply that I regret that I appear to have no ancestors of that gifted people.

My great-great-grandfather came to England in the eighteenth century from Germany: the main part of my descent is therefore purely English, and I am an English subject — which should be sufficient. I have been accustomed, nonetheless, to regard my German name with pride, and continued to do so throughout the period of the late regrettable war, in which I served in the English army. I cannot, however, forbear to comment that if impertinent and irrelevant inquiries of this sort are to become the rule in matters of literature, then the time is not far distant when a German name will no longer be a source of pride.

Your enquiry is doubtless made in order to comply with the laws of your own country, but that this should be held to apply to the subjects of another state would be improper, even if it had (as it has not) any bearing whatsoever on the merits of my work or its sustainability for publication, of which you appear to have satisfied yourselves without reference to my Abstammung.
I trust you will find this reply satisfactory, and
remain yours faithfully,

J. R. R. Tolkien



J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, Nazis, Nazi, Germany The letter J.R.R. Tolkien wrote to his German publishersImage via Letters of Note

This article originally appeared four years ago.

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Wellness

Woman credits Oura ring for alerting her to cancer symptoms before diagnosis

The ring continued to show that something was off.

Photo credit: Canva and Businesswire Press Release

Woman's Oura ring alerted her to cancer symptoms before diagnosis

Jewelry collecting biometric data and helping you keep track of your health habits are not new. Fitbits and Apple watches have been around for well over a decade combined and while most people use them to track their miles or other exercises, they also hold important data. The same can be said for one of the newest kids on the biometric block–the Oura ring.

For now the ring can't answer phone calls or texts like an Apple Watch can but it takes health data to another level. The Oura ring not only tracks how much sleep you get but it also tracks how much you move, how often you stop breathing, how much deep sleep, REM sleep, light sleep, oxygen levels and heart rate while you sleep. When you think the ring can't go any deeper into your personal biometrics, it does. Oura also alerts you when your body is showing signs of strain which can mean anything from increased stress levels to something more serious.

Nurse Nikki Gooding credits her Oura ring to saving her life by alerting her to significant changes in her body which prompted her to seek medical attention. The woman has been wearing an Oura ring for years but recently the ring suddenly started alerting her that she had "major signs" with a message that reads, "your biometrics show major signs of something straining your body. Take extra care today and rest if you're feeling low on energy."

silver aluminum case apple watch with white nike sport band Photo by Sabina on Unsplash

When Gooding peeked at the readings from her ring, everything was in the red, from body temperature to HRV (heart rate variability) balance. The smart ring also gives people a readiness score based on their biometrics, Gooding's score was consistently in the 30s to 40s since December. Readiness scores range from 0-100 with anything over 85 being optimal according to Oura.

At first the low readings didn't concern the nurse. Everyone has an off few days, especially if you're catching a cold or something minor. But when the ring continued to alert Gooding that her body was still showing signs of major strains consistently with constant low readings on all the biometrics Oura measures, she decided to do something about it.

a close up of a ring Photo by Jerry Kavan on Unsplash

The now concerned nurse went to see her doctor to voice her worries over the change in readings on her ring. Thankfully the doctor took the concerns seriously because shortly after visiting her doctor, she was hit with life altering news. Gooding has Hodgkin's lymphoma and according to her doctor it seems the cancer has only been present for six months or less. Had it not been for her ring, she may have thought the night sweats and insomnia were hormone related instead of something more serious to consider.

The nurse now sees an oncologist and it seems her prognosis is positive thanks to catching the symptoms to the disease so early. While none of the biometric jewelry on the market is designed to diagnose users, there have been several reports of smart watches alerting people to concerning heart problems. Apple Watches go as far as to instruct users to seek medical attention if their heart is showing signs of Atrial fibrillation, known more commonly as Afib. In some cases the watch's alert results in heart surgery and in one case a genetic kidney disease.

In all of these instances people's lives were spared thanks to the alerts coming from their smart devices which get to know each wearers personal biometrics. So no, an Oura ring won't tell you specifically what's wrong because you can't fit a medical professional inside of a ring smaller than a quarter, but having a piece of smart jewelry can alert your medical provider of a potential problem.

Thankfully Gooding decided to take her ring's warnings seriously and seek medical attention. As smart jewelry becomes more intuitive, it's likely to continue to save lives by alerting people of potential medical issues.

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Joy

Golden Retriever with remarkable healing skills earns the total trust of a terrified kitten

Toby's emotional intelligence appears to be off the charts.

Photo credit: Canva

Golden Retrievers are known for being gentle and friendly, but Toby is on another level.

Animals sometimes have behaviors that baffle or surprise us, for better and for worse. Sometimes our pets' quirks drive us bonkers and other times they delight us, but occasionally, an extra special pet will have abilities that astound everyone who encounters them.

Enter Toby, the Golden Retriever with a very special talent for healing traumatized rescue animals.

Mirai is a rescued stray kitten who experienced severe physical and emotional trauma, including a serious neck injury that left her with stitches across her throat. After weeks of physical healing, she was introduced to a cat that was already mothering a litter, who began caring for Mirai as one of her own. But the tiny kitten was still wary and fearful.

Then she was introduced to Toby, a dog with remarkable sensitivity, who completely earned her trust in just three meetings. At first, she hissed and growled at him, but he was patient and persistent, never becoming aggressive or pushing past her boundaries. Toby responded to Mirai's fear and discomfort signals with an emotional intelligence many humans don't even exhibit, never going too far too fast, and seeing the way he gradually wins her over is a master class.

Watch:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

People loved seeing Toby's gentle ways.

"That's one heck of a fine therapy dog! He's got a gift."

"Toby is better at reading and understanding her signals and backing off when she makes it clear she's stressed out than most humans are."

"If humans had the hearts of golden retrievers, there would be peace on earth forever."

"Toby is a special guy. So sweet and patient. Its like he knows it's his job to make that baby feel safe."

"Toby is a natural empath and nurturer whose patience is amazing."

Mirai isn't the first rescued baby that Toby has helped to heal, and Toby isn't even the only sensitive Golden Retriever in the family. Toby's sister, Candy, also has an impressive gift for building bonds with traumatized animals.

A puppy named Den, who had been severely abused, was introduced to Toby and Candy one at a time. And though it took some time for her to warm up to each of them, their patience and perseverance eventually resulted in beautiful bonds of friendship.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Again, people gushed about how these good doggos always manage to win over even the most timid and fearful of creatures.

"Goldens: you are going to be my friend. I'll wait."

"Goldens are such a wise and gentle breed."

"Beautiful. I wish people would be as kind, patient and loving as these 2 Goldies. The world would sure be a kinder place."

"Those doggies are so smart! They know exactly what to do! From avoiding eye contact, laying down to her level, not getting into her personal space, and not being forceful about it, they are so kind and intelligent and deserve an extra treat!"

"My date once told me that I have the personality of a golden retriever. I took that as a compliment."

Indeed, Golden Retrievers are known for their friendly, patient personalities, and though there are exceptions to every rule, it's rare to find a Golden Retriever with a mean streak. However, even among Goldens, Toby and Candy appear to be exceptionally intuitive and perceptive, making them perfect companions for rescued kittens and puppies who need to some extra tender loving care as they learn to trust.

Animals that have been rescued from abuse or neglect situations have needs that sometimes another animal can best provide. Humans can do a lot for vulnerable animals—and they should—but there's something special about having companions on your own level to play and snuggle with as well. Friends like Toby and Candy can help heal emotional wounds we can't see, and that's just as important as healing the ones we can.

You can follow Toby and Candy on YouTube.

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