When A Heckler Shouts Something Obvious At Her, She Says Something 10 Times More Obvious Back

Eric March Curator:

She's a comedian. He's ... not the sharpest tool in the shed, to put it mildly. She puts him in his place, and it's glorious.

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Cameron Esposito: And I know some of you are already taking in my look, so I will answer a couple questions you might have in your minds. Yeah, just to start right up top, as you can tell by my haircut, I am a thunder cat.

And also a giant lesbian. Of course I am, of course I am, of course I am. I have a side mullet. I look like most of Portland's men. When I was walking onstage not too long ago, and before I even hit the mic, before I even hit the mic, this dude sitting in the front row, he just yells out at me, "You look like a woman that doesn't sleep with men."

He yelled that at me like as if I don't know. He yelled that at me as if I was going to be like, "What do you mean? Is it the vest?"

He yelled that at me like he thought I grew up on a gay island with a gay volleyball and I'd never seen a straight person. He yelled that at me like it was going to be a surprise and an insult. Now here's the thing: I look like a woman that doesn't sleep with me because I am a lesbian, and that's one of the biggest parts, not sleeping with men.

That's one of the biggest parts of being a lesbian. And if you're a lesbian, you're not bummed about it. I cannot tell you this strongly enough. Like, this look, this is on purpose to attract women. So if you're a guy out there and you're like, "I'm not sure if I'm into that," to you I say, "Sir, there is no chance that you are less into me than I am into you." There is no chance.

There may be small errors in this transcript.

This hilarious bit is an excerpt from Cameron Esposito's new album, "Same Sex Symbol," which drops on Oct. 7, 2014. She writes funny things on Twitter constantly and very insightful things like this just as constantly.

Aug 15, 2014

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