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This woman doesn't want to rescue dogs. She wants to make sure their owners never give them away.

The way we think about animal rescue might be completely backward.

Six years ago, Kelsey Westbrook watched someone throw a pit bull puppy off a bridge.

 

Saving Sunny co-founder Kelsey Westbrook. Photo by Jessica Amburgey.

For the next several minutes, she looked on helplessly as the stunned dog paddled circles in the river below, struggling to save herself. Eventually, the fire department arrived and pulled the dog to safely. Westbrook was so determined to take in the dog, it almost cost her the apartment she was living in at the time.

Yet Westbrook has no patience for the idea that people who give up their pets are heartless or cruel or "bad people."

"We think 'Oh, what a jerk. How can people just dump their family members at a shelter? This is awful,'" she told Upworthy. "Once I started doing [animal rescue] work in this community, that's like nails on a chalkboard to me now."

"This community" is Portland, one of the poorest neighborhoods in Louisville, Kentucky, where Westbrook and her team operate Community Dog Resource Center. Once a month, the CDRC sets up shop in the Portland Community Center to distribute pet food, offer free spay and neuter services, and schedule check-in appointments with pet owners in the area.

 The CDRC's mission is simple: to prevent beloved pets from becoming homeless in the first place.

“The homes that we go into, people love their pets so much, just like their human children."

 

A West Louisville resident takes advantage of CDRC's free spay and neuter services. Photo by Jessica Amburgey.

After the incident on the bridge, Westbrook and her team founded Saving Sunny, a pit bull rescue organization that at first only took in animals from local kill shelters. They soon realized, however, they were missing a big piece of the puzzle: Most of the time, people who leave their dogs at shelters really, really don't want to give them up in the first place.

"We all go through rough patches financially," Westbrook explained. "... And sometimes people can be struggling to put food on their table for their human children, much less their dog. So sometimes they just have to come to terms with the fact that they can't afford to feed their dog, and they end up giving their dog to a shelter."

 "These are loving pet owners that really care about their pet, that have to make these tough decisions," she said.

This is certainly true in West Louisville, where, according to Westbrook's organization, there is only one vet clinic in a 40-block radius and thousands of residents who don't own cars. By providing free spay and neuter surgeries, in-home behavior consultations, and veterinary services, the CDRC hopes to help alleviate much the financial and logistical burden on residents who may be stretching themselves thin trying to care for a dog.

“We've had people in tears saying, 'Oh my gosh, thank you so much, now I can keep my pet,'" Westbrook said.

“It's not true that the level of economic status you have, the greater it is, the better home it is for a dog."

 

The line at CDRC on a Saturday morning. Photo by Jessica Amburgey.

In order to meet her clients on their terms, Westbrook first had to recognize that any home has the potential to be a good one for a pet. That meant checking her assumptions at the door.

“I've gone into homes that don't necessarily have proper furniture, or there are fleas everywhere," Westbrook said. "Dogs aren't thinking about it that way because they're getting food, getting love, and they have shelter."

 No matter what your means are, the decision to take in a dog, or any pet, is a pretty standard side-effect of having a big heart. Like one CDRC client who, despite suffering from cancer and raising her three elementary school-age grandchildren, rescued a stray chihuahua because she was so heartbroken seeing it out on the street every day. Or the many local residents who adopt puppies from overwhelmed neighbors whose dogs have a litter.

 “There have been homes that I've gone into and looked around and thought, 'You know, they really need the money from these puppies,'" Westbrook observed. "That's when your whole experience changes. When you realize that they were breeding their dog to survive — to feed their human children."

Making sure the CDRC's services reach the people who need them most has meant working hard to gain community confidence, which Westbrook and her team continue to do every day.

“This morning I picked up eight pit bulls from one woman's house to be spayed or neutered," she said. "It literally took me talking on the phone with her and going to her house in person twice, talking on the phone at least five times, for her to believe that I was not the dog pound. That I wasn't going to take her dogs and not bring them back. You just have to establish trust because a lot of time they've been burned by authorities in the past."

“Establish trust. Build relationships, go in judgment-free, and you can actually end up meeting some really amazing people."

 

West Louisville resident Marchelle with Poppie, the chihuahua she rescued. Photo by Jessica Amburgey.

The CDRC is still a small operation. It can't prevent every West Louisville pet from becoming homeless. It can't be residents' only source of dog food, flea and tick medication, and vet care.

 What it can do is provide an invaluable service: help without judgment.

“We really operate in a judgment-free zone," Westbrook explained. "If people aren't ready to get their pet spayed or neutered, that's OK. We'll ask you again next month. We're going to tell you all about the benefits, and we're going to tell you how much it's going to help your dog health-wise and how much it's going to help your community and how much money it's going to save you in the long run. Yes, we're going to tell you all those things, but if you're not ready yet, that's OK. We're not going to tell you to leave either."

The hard work and acceptance seems to have paid off. To date, according to Westbrook, the CDRC has assisted over 2,000 dog owners with free services and spayed and neutered over 160 pets.

 Animal surrenders in the Portland area are down 13% since the CDRC opened its doors in 2014.

The organization still has bigger goals it would like to meet, and it remains to be seen whether its model can be duplicated elsewhere. But for the moment, its remarkable success comes down to its guiding philosophy:

 “No matter where you come from, what you look like, yes, we will help you and your pet."

 

CDRC board member, Tiffany Hardesty (left), with West Louisville resident Brittany Case and her dogs, Layla and Moses. Photo by Jessica Amburgey.

Popular

I showed my Gen Z kids 'Dead Poets Society' and their angry reactions to it floored me

"Inspiring" apparently means different things to Gen X and Gen Z.

Rotten Tomatoes Classic Trailers/YouTube

Robin Williams played inspiring English teacher John Keating in "Dead Poets Society."

As a Gen X parent of Gen Z teens and young adults, I'm used to cringing at things from 80s and 90s movies that haven't aged well. However, a beloved film from my youth that I thought they'd love, "Dead Poets Society," sparked some unexpectedly negative responses in my kids, shining a spotlight on generational differences I didn't even know existed.

I probably watched "Dead Poets Society" a dozen or more times as a teen and young adult, always finding it aesthetically beautiful, tragically sad, and profoundly inspiring. That film was one of the reasons I decided to become an English teacher, inspired as I was by Robin Williams' portrayal of the passionately unconventional English teacher, John Keating.

 

The way Mr. Keating shared his love of beauty and poetry with a class of high school boys at a stuffy prep school, encouraging them to "seize the day" and "suck all the marrow out of life," hit me right in my idealistic youthful heart. And when those boys stood up on their desks for him at the end of the film, defying the headmaster who held their futures in his hands? What a moving moment of triumph and support.

My Gen Z kids, however, saw the ending differently. They did love the feel of the film, which I expected with its warm, cozy, comforting vibe (at least up until the last 20 minutes or so). They loved Mr. Keating, because how can you not? But when the movie ended, I was taken aback hearing "That was terrible!" and "Why would you traumatize me like that?" before they also admitted, "But it was so gooood!"

  - YouTube  youtu.be  

 

The traumatize part I actually get—I'd forgotten just how incredibly heavy the film gets all of a sudden. (A caveat I feel the need to add here: Gen Z uses the word "traumatize" not in a clinical sense but as an exaggerative term for being hit unexpectedly by something sad or disturbing. They know they weren't literally traumatized by the movie.)

But in discussing it further, I discovered three main generational differences that impacted my kids' "Dead Poets Society" viewing experience and what they took away from it.

1) Gen Z sees inspiring change through a systemic lens, not an individual one

The first thing my 20-year-old said when the credits rolled was, "What? That's terrible! Nothing changed! He got fired and the school is still run by a bunch of stodgy old white men forcing everyone to conform!" My immediate response was, "Yeah, but he changed those boys' individual lives, didn't he? He helped broaden their minds and see the world differently."

  o captain my captain, dead poets society Individual impact isn't as inspiring to Gen Z as it was to Gen X.   Giphy  

I realized that Gen X youth valued individuals going against the old, outdated system and doing their own thing, whereas Gen Z values the dismantling of the system itself. For Gen X, Mr. Keating and the boys taking a stand was inspiring, but the fact that it didn't actually change anything outside of their own individual experiences stuck like a needle in my Gen Z kids' craw.

2) Gen Z isn't accustomed to being blindsided by tragic storylines with no warning

To be fair, I did tell them there was "a sad part" before the movie started. But I'd forgotten how deeply devastating the last part of the movie was, so my daughter's "Why would you do that to me?!" was somewhat warranted. "I thought maybe a dog would die or something!" she said. No one really expected one of the main characters to die by suicide and the beloved teacher protagonist to be blamed for his death, but I'd somehow minimized the tragedy of it all in my memory so my "sad part" warning was a little insufficient.

 

But also to be fair, Gen X youth never got any such warnings—we were just blindsided by tragic plot twists all the time. As kids, we cheered on Atreyu trying to save his horse from the swamp in "The Neverending Story" only to watch him drown. Adults showed us "Watership Down" thinking it would be a cute little animated film about bunnies. We were slapped in the face by the tragic child death in "My Girl," which was marketed as a sweet coming of age movie.

Gen Z was raised in the era of trigger warnings and trauma-informed practices, while Gen X kids watched a teacher die on live TV in our classrooms with zero follow-up on how we were processing it. Those differences became apparent real quick at the end of this movie.

The Never Ending Story Atreyu GIFfrom The Never Ending Story GIFs
 


3) Gen Z fixates on boundary-crossing behavior that Gen X either overlooked or saw as more nuanced

The other reaction I wasn't expecting was the utter disdain my girls showed for Knox Overstreet, the sweet-but-over-eager character who fell for the football player's cheerleader girlfriend. His boundary-crossing attempts to woo her were always cringe, but for Gen X, cringe behavior in the name of love was generally either overlooked, tolerated, or sometimes even celebrated. (Standing on a girl's lawn in the middle of the night holding a full-volume stereo over your head was peak romance for Gen X, remember.) For Gen Z, the only thing worse than cringe is predatory behavior, which Knox's obsessiveness and pushiness could arguably be seen as. My own young Gen X lens saw Knox and said, "That's a bit much, dude. Take it down a notch or three." My Gen Z daughters' lens said, "That guy's a total creepo. She needs to run far the other way."

 run, red flag behavior Gen Z is much more black and white about behaviors than previous generations.  Giphy Red Flag Run GIF by BuzzFeed 

On one hand, I was proud of them for recognizing red flag behaviors and calling them out. On the other hand, I saw how little room there is for nuance in their perceptions, which was…interesting.

To be clear, I don't think my Gen Z kids' reactions to "Dead Poets Society" are wrong; they're just different than mine were at their age. We're usually on the same page when it comes to these kinds of analyses, so seeing them have a drastically different reaction to something I loved at their age was really something. Now I'm wondering what other favorite movies from my youth I should show them to see if they view those differently as well—hopefully without "traumatizing" them too much with the experience.

This article originally appeared in January.

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Pop Culture

11 old-timey frugal habits that younger generations can totally apply today to save money

Tips that worked in the Great Depression, and can work now.

Photo credit: Canva

Money saving tips that give a lot more than they take

Though people can't seem to agree on what makes the American economy "good" or "bad" (especially since people's perceptions being heavily influenced by who sits in the White House at any given time), there's no question that economic uncertainty is on many people's minds. Middle-agers who lived through the Great Recession of 2008 and the COVID-19 pandemic of the early 2020s know how fast economic stability can falter, and youngsters have started their adult lives with unaffordable housing and education as well as post-COVID inflation driving up the cost of everyday living.

Thankfully, we can learn a thing or two from our elders who lived through the money struggles of two world wars and the Great Depression. Frugality was a way of life for our grandparents and great-grandparents, and though times have changed—a lot—many of those wise ways to save money still stand. And the good news is that many of them are good for the environment and our health as well as our wallet.

Here are some of the easiest, most hard-hitting frugal living habits we can take from previous generations:

Cook from scratch

Even with the cost of groceries being higher than they were, it's almost always significantly cheaper to eat at home than it is to eat out. Learning to cook is a useful and enjoyable (for many) hobby that can also save you money, as long as you're not trying to cook something overly fancy. Cooking doesn't have to be complicated, and it's never been easier to find simple recipes. There are even sites that will come up with a menu and recipes for you based on what you already have in your pantry. Stock up on basic ingredients, keep it simple, and find some favorite meals that you can whip up quickly and easily.

 frugal, frugal life, frugal tips saving money, money, economy, inflation, cheap meals, living frugally A young couple enjoying cooking in their kitchenPhoto credit: Canva

Less meat, more beans

Meat is pricey—especially good quality meat—and with animal-borne diseases becoming more of a concern, animal products in general are getting more expensive. Perhaps now would be a good time to transition to more of a plant-based lifestyle, making more use of cheaper protein sources like beans. Canned beans are generally quite affordable, but dried beans are even cheaper if you don't mind taking the time to soak and cook them. If you have an Instant Pot, it's super easy to batch cook dry beans, which you can then store cooked in the freezer for quick reheating.

Buy herbs and spices in bulk

Spices in jars are stupidly expensive sometimes, and you might assume that's just what they cost. But if you've never shopped in the bulk spice section at a store—even at an expensive health food store—you might be surprised by how much cheaper it is. Leafy herbs like oregano, thyme, basil, and sage weigh almost nothing, so even if they cost $20/lb, a jar's worth is often pennies to the dollar cheaper than buying them already packaged. Just beware heavier spices, as sometimes those can be just as expensive as jarred. Definitely worth comparing, though.

 frugal, frugal life, frugal tips saving money, money, economy, inflation, cheap meals, living frugally Herbs and spices in bulk bagsPhoto credit: Canva

Borrow and barter

When times are tough, getting by becomes a community effort, but there's no reason we have to wait for an actual economic depression to help one another out or scratch one another's backs. We all have things that sit around not being used much of the time that others might like to borrow, from tools to books. Trading services can be an excellent way to save money in a win-win way.

Grow a garden

During the pandemic, many people started growing WWII-style "victory gardens" simply because they could, but gardening can be a great way to save on produce and herbs. If you can start early in the spring and grow from seed, even better. Though learning to keep a garden thriving can be a little trickier than it looks, the savings can be impressive. For instance, one tomato plant can harvest 10 to 20 pounds of tomatoes, so even if you spend $5 on a starter plant, you can save a ton compared to produce section prices at the store. No yard? Gardening in containers works, too.

 frugal, frugal life, frugal tips saving money, money, economy, inflation, cheap meals, living frugally Hands holding fresh radishes plucked from a gardenPhoto credit: Canva

Clean with vinegar and baking soda

It may seem like a small thing, but lots of small things like cleaning products add up. Buying vinegar in bulk and diluting it 50/50 with water makes a great basic cleaner, and baking soda in bulk can help you scour surfaces as well. Vinegar smell doesn't last long, but you can always add a little essential oil to the mix to add some scent. You might need a stronger disinfectant for certain cleaning jobs, but for a basic cleanser, vinegar gets the job done.

Reuse or reutilize containers

So many foods we buy come in jars or containers, most which get tossed or recycled. Then we go out and buy containers for storing leftovers or other things. Aesthetically, I get it. But practically and financially, reusing or reutilizing containers makes more sense, even if you just use them once or twice and then toss or recycle. Plus, if you reuse jars or containers you're not planning to keep, you can write on them with a Sharpie without feeling like you ruined it.

Drive less

Americans love to drive and many of us do it far more often than we need to, spending more on gas than necessary. And even though gas prices have come down most places, it still isn't cheap. Combining trips or making a once a week "errand day" can help us cut down on driving. So can carpooling or biking or walking more.

 frugal, frugal life, frugal tips saving money, money, economy, inflation, cheap meals, living frugally A person walking on steps outsidePhoto credit: Canva

Buy used

Thrift store shopping can save a ton of money, especially if you shop around to various thrift shops to find the ones that actually have good stuff at low prices. Clothes especially can be a much better deal used than new, and no one will ever know the difference. Furniture is also a fraction of the cost used vs. new, and often older furniture is better quality anyway. Check Facebook Marketplace, Craigslist and other online markets for used items before running to the store or buying something new online.

Utilize your public library

Public libraries are treasure troves of free stuff, and not enough people take full advantage of them. Not only can you get books, but many libraries have huge collections of movies or other entertainment. Some have art collections you can check out, others have tools and household items you can borrow. There are also free book clubs, lectures, classes and other activities that can add to your social calendar without spending anything.

 frugal, frugal life, frugal tips saving money, money, economy, inflation, cheap meals, living frugally Two people enjoying the libraryPhoto credit: Canva

Make do with what you have

This might sound like a no-brainer, but many of us have gotten into the habit of buying whatever we think we need simply because it's convenient. Amazon has created some habitual buying habits that we might want to rethink if we're trying to save money. Do you really need a new jacket or is the one you have still perfectly usable? Is there still some life left in that pair of shoes? Even holding off on buying things for a month or two and making do with what you have can help you save money and see that you don't need as much as you might think.

Lots of small savings can add up, so don't assume that a few cents or a dollar here and there don't matter. Once you get into these habits, you may even find that frugal living to be a preferred way of life, regardless of your financial situation. It certainly can't hurt to try it.

This article originally appeared in March

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Golden Years

7 'old people' sayings that are actually solid life advice at every age

"Make all your words sweet because tomorrow you may have to eat them."

Photo credit: Canva

Elder wisdom can come in handy.

With age comes wisdom, or at least we hope it does. As we get older, we collect life lessons that we can pass along to younger generations, sometimes with lengthy stories and sometimes with quippy sayings.

Adages like "A penny saved is a penny earned," or "Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise," have been part of our collective treasure chest of life advice for generations, but the aphorisms that spring from the experience of our loved ones and mentors are often the most meaningful.

Someone shared that they'd read and appreciated this old man's advice: “My grandpa once told me 'if you get on the wrong train, get off at the nearest station, the longer it takes you to get off, the more expensive the return trip will be.' He wasn’t talking about trains.” The person asked for more tidbits of wisdom from old folks and people started sharing sayings they heard from their elders growing up.

Here are some of the best "old man advice" sayings and how they can be applied in a person's life.

"You might miss what’s ahead of you if you keep concentrating on what’s in the rear view mirror."

Another commenter put it another way: "Don't look behind you, you aren't going that way." This adage is about not dwelling on the past. Many of us have a tendency to spend more time mentally in the past, rehashing old memories or being nostalgic for what once was, than we do in the present or looking forward to the future. There's nothing wrong with a little reflection, but if most of our focus is in the past, we miss out on the present. Rear view mirrors are for quick glances, not where our focus should be.

"Do the right thing, even if nobody is watching."

This saying is about good character and true integrity. If you notice someone drop a $20 bill and no one is around to see but you, do you give it back to them or do you pick it up and keep it? If you realize that a store didn't charge you for an item, do you point it out and make it right or do you allow the mistake to remain? There are opportunities each day for us to choose between right and wrong, and those choices really speak to who we are if they are made without anyone else knowing.

 integrity, right, wrong, right thing, doing good lisa simpson help GIF  Giphy  

"Be nice to everybody you meet on the way up the ladder. You'll see the same faces on the way down "

Don't get cocky and don't burn bridges you think you won't need to return to. There's value in being kind for its own sake, but there's also the reality that being kind also makes people like you. When people like you, they're more likely to lend you a helping hand, and you never know when you're going to be in a position to need one. It's also a good reminder that you're not inherently better than anyone else just because of where you are in life. We're all constantly in flux, so it's important to stay humble and kind.

In other words, "Make all your words sweet because tomorrow you may have to eat them."

"One of the most powerful negotiating tools is silence."

The power of silence in general is often underrated, but it can be an especially useful tool in a negotiation. Some people are so uncomfortable with silence that they will make concessions simply to avoid it. And sometimes the best response to an unreasonable demand is to just say nothing and stare, letting the other party come to the realization themselves. It takes calm confidence to simply be quiet and let the silence fill the room, which can feel surprisingly intimidating.

"Always listen to your gut, even if you can’t explain it."

Ah, the strange and mysterious sense of intuition that we can't really describe but know when we feel it. Whether it's getting a creepy vibe about a person or a little voice telling you to do or not do something, those "gut instincts" can serve us well. Of course, if we are prone to anxiety, our instincts can sometimes be confused with anxious thoughts, but "go with your gut" is solid advice anyway.

 gut feeling, listen to your gut, go with your gut, intuition, discernment  Listen To It Season 1 GIF by The Roku Channel  Giphy  

“It doesn’t matter what path you’re on if it’s the wrong mountain.”

Sometimes people trying to find their way end up hitting roadblock after roadblock, which may mean they just haven't found the right path yet or might mean they need an entire overhaul of their life. That might look like switching career paths entirely, rather than trying to find a job in your field that fits. It might mean changing majors in the middle of your studies when you find yourself not enjoying any of your classes. It might mean finding a new community or reevaluating your relationships.

"The harder I work, the luckier I get."

Several sayings line up with this one, like "Luck is the intersection of preparation and opportunity," and "Luck favors the prepared mind." There's a lot to be said for fortune and hard work going hand in hand. If we expect good things to just land in our lap, we will likely be disappointed, but if we move in the direction of things we want to happen and do the work of preparing for good things to come our way, "luck" frequently seems to follow.

 luck, hard work, lucky, good luck, napoleon dynamite  Napoleon Dynamite GIF by Ben L  Giphy  

Finding a saying that resonates can be really helpful when we're facing a specific challenge in life, especially when we commit it to memory and repeat it often.

This article originally appeared in March.

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Family

Woman in open marriage shares the 'one rule' for texting her lover in front of her husband

It's a common courtesy that works for just about every relationship.

via Canva/Photos

A woman texting behind her husband's back.

Being in a monogamous relationship means being considerate of your partner’s needs. However, being in an open relationship adds another level of complexity, ensuring that you give your partner proper attention, refrain from stoking their jealousy, and make them feel supported in your atypical arrangement.

Danielle, who goes by @Openlycommitted on TikTok, explained how she and her husband, Rich, deal with one of the trickier aspects of being in an open relationship: how to text with the new person you are dating without being rude to your partner. For Danielle, it’s the same tech etiquette you should use in any other relationship.

Danielle coaches couples who have open relationships or are considering one to develop a style that works for them.

@openlycommitted

I have had many people message me asking how to stop their partner from texting a lover, date or another partner in front of them… I think it’s basic texting etiquette to put a phone down when you are one-one-one with another person. Don’t think it’s just me. #enm #nonmonogamy #nonmonogamous #textingettiquette

How do people in open relationships communicate with the people they date?

“I get that a new relationship can be really exciting and you wanna know what they're gonna say or if you're on a dating app and you wanna know did they respond to something,” she says in a TikTok video. “I get it, but it's also really easy to say to someone that you're with ‘Hey let's both take five minutes of phone time.’ Or, to carve out other moments of the day to be on your phone… this is seriously just basic texting etiquette.”

The most important thing for Danielle, in any relationship, is to be present with the person. “If I'm with someone, no matter who I'm with, I try to be present, and I'm not perfect at it. At the dinner table, everyone puts their phones down. And if I'm on a date with someone, whether that's a first date or a boyfriend or my husband or my son… or one-on-one time with a good friend or family member, my phone could distract me the entire time if I let it. It's just about being present with the person that you're with.”


While open relationships may seem like a taboo topic in many circles, the idea is relatively popular among Americans. A 2023 poll by YouGov found that one-third of Americans (34%) describe their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy. When it comes to actually taking action on the idea, one in eight Americans (12%) say they have engaged in sexual activity with someone other than their primary partner—with their primary partner's permission.

Danielle says that she and her husband were monogamous, but 15 years ago, he asked her to consider the idea of having an open relationship while they were on vacation in Austria.

@openlycommitted

I’m completely confident in our relationship today, but I will never forget how I felt when he brought up the idea of bein in an open relationship #enm #nonmonogamy #nonmonogamous #poly #polyamory #polyamorous #firsttime #innsbruck #florence

The question took her by surprise. “I felt so hurt that he obviously didn't feel about me the way that I felt about him,” she admitted, before later realizing that she shouldn’t have to share closeness and connection with just one man. However, she warns those who want to ask their spouse for an open relationship to do so with caution.

“So, if you're asking someone to consider being in an open relationship, be patient, it's not just one conversation, it's many,” she said. “But that person might remember that first conversation for the rest of your relationship.”

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Golden Years

I spent a week chatting with people over 80. Here are 4 pieces of wisdom they shared.

"No one warns you how many of your new friends will pass on."

Canva

Two hands of different ages grasp one another.

There are only a few things in this life we can't evade. One of them is aging. Sure, there's Botox and facelifts and all that jazz to help us look younger. But in the end, our cells simply insist on keeping score, and no matter how hard some might fight it, our DNA is bombarded with hits that will eventually take us down.

The good news is that with years often comes wisdom. I like to think of our minds as though they were hiking trails. Each trail has a sign, but instead of telling us which way to go, the signs remind us who we are. This past week, I was honored to read some of those signs at the senior home where my mom resides. Nearly every conversation, at least for me, yielded little sage sachets of advice that are truly invaluable.

 

Know someone before you marry them.

 

A woman in her early 80s shared that it takes about a year for someone's "true nature" to be revealed, even in the most intimate of relationships. (This, at least according to a professor she had in graduate school.) In other words, she says, "A person can hide their psychological pathologies, on average, for about a year."

So, she wishes younger people would wait at least that long before moving in or getting married. "Slow down," she said. "Really take your time before you take the leap. Everyone puts their best foot forward at first and then sometimes that mask can slip. Don't get stuck."

 elderly man, elderly woman, relationship, honeymoon phase A man kissing a woman near the ocean.  Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash  

Some research shows that the "honeymoon phase" can, of course, vary in length. Brides.com shares, "The honeymoon phase is an early part of a couple's relationship where everything seems carefree and happy. It usually lasts from six months to two years and can be marked with lots of laughs, intimacy, and fun dates."

No matter how long that phase lasts, her advice to slow down and really get to know someone before fully committing seems like (mostly) a good idea.

 

Listen to your doctors

 elderly man, doctor's office, health, blood pressure A doctor examining a patient's wrist with a stethoscope  Photo by CDC on Unsplash  

 

I met a woman who was a retired OBGYN. We talked at length about perimenopause, hormones, and life after 50. She urges, "Do the research, but also (for the most part) listen to your doctors. Most of them know what they're doing."

We both kind of laughed, and then she leaned in and said, "No. Really." She added, "Nothing wrong with getting a second, or even third opinion. But listen and read all you can before it's too late."

 

Understand that time is precious

 elderly, aging, friendship, time, Two men play chess.  Photo by Vlad Sargu on Unsplash  

 

One thing my mom rather casually mentioned really stuck with me. This was how difficult it is to make new friends—and not for reasons one might think. Sure, senior living facilities can be just as cliquey as groups were in middle school. But for my mother, it was less about fitting in and more about fearing she would lose people as she grew to love them.

"No one warns you how many of your new friends will pass on. When I first moved here, I befriended a brilliantly funny woman and within six months she was gone. This happens more and more and you never get used to it. You're never prepared."

 

If you don't want to eat dinner at 4:30, you don't have to.

 

On a simpler note, this one might be obvious to some, but it was certainly a common topic among the people with whom I spoke. Even though they serve dinner at 5:00 in many senior homes, it doesn't mean you can't put it in Tupperware and save it for later. To that point, just because people age, doesn't mean they have to go to bed at 8:00 p.m. (Though for many, that timeline is just perfect.)

One man noted, "Just because we all live in one place doesn't mean we all become one person. We've got night owls and early birds and every other kind of bird you could imagine. Eat and sleep when you want to. It's still your life."

His friend added, "If you want to play Mahjong at midnight, do it!"

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