A Woman Lived Through Something Awful. Now She’s Helping Others Do The Same.
When a person who has attempted suicide talks about his or her experience, it can do two pretty amazing and necessary things: 1) let other people who are in a similar place know they're not alone and 2) give people who have never been there a glimpse into what it's like.
Those outcomes are exactly what Dese'Rae L. Stage is hoping (and already starting) to achieve with her project, Live Through This. She invites people to share the story of their suicide attempt and then takes a portrait of them. Upworthy curator Rebecca Eisenberg posted Dese'Rae's Kickstarter video for the project to the site about a year ago; you all helped share it and get some funding for her to travel outside of New York and tell more stories. Dese'Rae has now done interviews in seven cities and has 66 stories total (when she did the Kickstarter, she had 15). She will soon head to Boston and L.A. to collect more.
A suicide attempt survivor herself, Dese'Rae's goal is to remove some of the stigma and shame associated with suicide to enable a more open dialogue. She hopes to make it easier for those who need help to recognize the signs and seek it and for everyone else — from friends to medical professionals — to understand what's happening and provide support.
While there's still a long way to go, Dese'Rae said she's beginning to see a small shift in the attitude toward suicide and suicide-attempt survivors. Two of the most surprising things? Before the project, Dese'Rae had mostly encountered angry loss survivors (people who've had a loved one die by suicide). Now, she said, "I get a lot of support from loss survivors ... . I’ve gotten so many people who lost someone say, 'I wish they had seen your website. I feel like maybe it would have given them hope to live one more day.'" She also gets lots of emails from people around the world who've seen the Live Through This site and realized they're not alone.
The other surprise? Medical professionals, who in the past discouraged discussion among suicide-attempt survivors, have started to get on board and "see that attempt survivors are a great resource." She's been working closely with the American Association of Suicidology. (Yep, that's a thing.)
Some other learnings from the past year?
"I’m really, really not alone," Dese'Rae said. "That was what I started the project thinking, that I was alone. I was hoping there was someone out there, but it was such slow going." She said that since the Kickstarter, the emails have been pouring in from people all over the world who want to share their stories. And though the media (when it covers suicide, which is rare) tends to focus on suicide within the LGBTQQ community or among young people who are being bullied, "[t]here are so many of us, and we’re all different kinds of people." Dese'Rae said. "We can’t be stereotyped — this affects all ages, orientations ... musicians, artists, people of faith. We’re all here together."
So what do we do? Keep the dialogue open. Share these stories and information about suicide (see below for some resources). We'll help by doing our best to keep getting this out there. (As Dese'Rae said, "You guys are covering it, but you have balls. There are so many media outlets out there who won’t touch it.")
"The more widely disseminated it is, that there are people out there who are talking about their experience openly and honestly ... . Some people felt like they were saved; some people still struggle with it. The more we get those things out there, the more we can change the landscape."
Some other things you might not have known or thought about regarding suicide:
- Suicidal thoughts often stem from mental health issues (according to the National Institute of Mental Health, "more than 90 percent of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable mental disorder"), and the mental health system in our country is pretty broken. In Dese'Rae's experience, especially if you don't have good health care, the reaction by professionals to individuals with suicidal thoughts can be to "throw medication at them" and lock them up. She thinks professionals in a variety of fields should receive training on how to handle people with suicidal thoughts — teachers, police, EMS workers, nurses — because a lot of people in these fields interact directly with people right after their suicide attempt.
- Even the terminology used with suicide can carry stigma. For instance, saying someone "committed" suicide likens it to a crime (which, before the '60s, many states and countries considered it to be) whereas saying someone "died by suicide" carries much less judgment (like saying someone "died from cancer").
Lastly, this video of Dese'Rae sharing the story of her own suicide attempt and how she found her way to creating Live Through This is definitely worth a watch:
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There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
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Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."