Wife whose husband can’t cook mac ‘n cheese says we’ve set the bar ‘waaay too low’ for men
The instructions are on the box.
A box of mac 'n cheese and a confused man.
As women work their way towards equality when it comes to the division of domestic labor, a new trend has them pointing out how men use weaponized incompetence to get out of their responsibilities.
Weaponized incompetence is a strategy in which someone appears incapable of performing specific tasks so that someone else has to pick up the slack. Many men use this tactic to make women primarily responsible for household chores, cooking and caring for children.
“This is something that women have been dealing with all their lives,” Nadine Shaanta Murshid, PhD, associate professor of social work at the University at Buffalo, believed to have coined the term, told The Skimm. “The idea is that men are not good at certain things like domestic labor. And so, why not have women who are good at it, do it, because they're naturally predisposed to being good at this?”
A Redditor who goes by the name Latitude32 shared a powerful example of weaponized incompetence on a women’s forum in a post that has received over 1,300 comments. The post is titled: “Husband asked me how to do mac and cheese.”
“The kids had to be fed and I started a pot to make mac and cheese,” Latitude32 wrote. “I left it cooking to move on to the next task — to bathe our dog. I asked my husband to finish up the mac and cheese so I could continue bathing our dog.”
Unfortunately, he needed help making macaroni and cheese, a dish with only a few basic steps. This was strange because the man was an IT engineer who knew a thing or two about reading instructions and carrying out complex tasks.
“I'm elbow deep in dog hair and soap and the next thing I know, he had the nerve to ask me, ‘What do I do after draining the pasta?’ EXCUSE ME? Our kids are 13 and 5, so he has done mac and cheese MULTIPLE TIMES by now. Additionally, the instructions are, literally, ON THE BOX,” Latitude32 continued.
Her response to her husband? “Some of the best chefs in the world are men and you should figure it out.”
“If this isn't weaponized incompetence, I don't know what is,” Latitude32 concluded her post. “I can't help but think we've set up the bar for guys waaaay too low.”
The post received many comments from women complaining that their husbands relied on weaponized incompetence to shield them from household responsibilities. However, many shared some constructive advice on how they solved the problem by setting appropriate boundaries with their husbands.
“My favorite saying always works here. ‘Pretend I’m dead. What would you do?’ I will not allow the weaponized incompetence,” Socialmediaignorant wrote. “If my husband pulls that ‘oh how do you do a simple task,’ I remind him he has THREE degrees, so I have every faith in him to figure it out,” No-Winter1049 added.
“I had a colleague whose rule for her husband and son was, ‘If they don’t do it well the first time, make sure they do it repeatedly until they’re good at it.’ They learned quickly that helplessness was not their friend,” Humanityrus wrote.
Not all men use weaponized incompetence to get out of household responsibilities. Plenty of adults respect their partners by pulling their fair share around the house. However, posts like Latitide32’s are a great way of explaining the tactics their significant others may use to avoid pulling their weight. When we expose the roots of a problem, it becomes a lot easier to identify and then, fix.
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"Now your fishes will be warmed."
"To have one’s eyes lined with ham."
"To lay your head in water."
"Repetition teaches the donkey."
"I only understand train station."
"To speak directly from the liver."
"Horse horse, tiger tiger."
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An actual beaver dam on the now-thriving Price River
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Thank goodness this story has a happy ending.
There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
A woman in black long sleeve shirt stands in front of mirror.
Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."