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Mental Health

Why therapists are sounding the alarm on big box therapy companies

Why therapists are sounding the alarm on big box therapy companies
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

A greater demand for therapy is putting strain on therapists and creating avenues that might not be all they seem.

Given the state of the world we have all been living in for the last two-plus years, it’s no surprise that therapists are in high demand right now, and have been throughout the pandemic. Many therapists have long waiting lists and are taking on more clients than they normally would just to meet the need. New private practices are opening frequently to provide quality mental health care that people so desperately need in these (still) unprecedented times. But something else is happening simultaneously. Large tech companies have cropped up promising mental health care, and even promising to get patients in with a same-day appointments. On the surface, this seems like it should be a good thing. After all, these companies are helping to meet the growing and overwhelming demand for mental health care, so we should make room for them, right? At least that’s what most would think.

I’ve been in the mental health field since 2006, and have been in and around mental health from a professional standpoint, and therapists have been raising concerns about these large platforms for quite a while. In fact, one therapist made it his mission to show his followers on TikTok what the fine print of one mental health platform’s terms and conditions said. Viewers were shocked to hear, and read, as the therapist pulled the information from the company's actual website in real time, that clients' information was being sold to third parties for advertising purposes. This wasn’t hidden in microscopic print, it was there within the terms and conditions in plain print. But some companies bank on consumers not reading the terms of their agreement. Many people will quickly scroll through to get to the bottom of the long legal information and click the button to simply move to the next part of the process.

This therapist did the reading for you in an effort to honor his professional ethical code and protect clients. The company fought back against the claims and changed the language, all very publicly on TikTok, but it was only the language that changed, not the terms. When the therapist pointed this out, the company continued to publicly feud with the therapist on the social platform.

Now, at this point you may be wondering why I’m not using this therapist’s name, telling you where to find him and calling out this platform. It’s because when the company continued to mislead its consumers and continued to have its feet held to the fire by this ridiculously brave therapist, the mega large platform sent a cease and desist with the threat to sue this small private practice owner. It forced the therapist to remove any trace of anything unappealing he had said about this company, and he is no longer permitted to discuss the disturbing things he uncovered.

As a therapist, I feel a duty to protect this other therapist from any further threat that may come from this mega company, and to do so, allow him to remain as anonymous as possible. Nevertheless, it feels important to reveal the lengths to which one of these companies is willing to go to keep consumers in the dark about its fine print items. Therapists have an ethical obligation to protect their clients from exploitation, and it would absolutely violate ethical codes to sell client data.

When you meet with a licensed therapist your information is protected by the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), which means we could get into trouble with our licensing boards and in some cases, depending on the level of breach, it could be criminal. Big box therapy companies seem to have found a loophole around this as the companies may not be billed as “therapy” but as lay counseling services, which is something anyone with life experience can do. A therapist who runs the YouTube account Private Practice Skills discusses this and why she was not comfortable putting her license on the line for a company that may not be bound by HIPAA. Privacy is a huge deal in the therapeutic relationship and you won’t find too many therapists willing to risk the privacy of their clients for any amount of money.

Money brings me to my next point. Many of these big box therapy companies such as Talkspace, BetterHelp, Happier Living, and so on, pay their therapists poorly. They seem to prey on therapists who have just recently earned their licenses and want to work for themselves, but may not know how to. Companies like these use the 1099 model to give therapists a sense of autonomy over their schedules, but in the case of at least one of these companies, therapists have had their pay affected by not responding to client’s texts in the middle of the night due to an arbitrary timeline the company has enforced. Let me be clear, the expectation to be readily available to your clients at all times is unrealistic and damaging to the client and the therapeutic relationship.

Bonus ranges for client retention.

TalkSpace therapist FAQ section

Therapists teach their clients skills that they are supposed to learn to utilize in between sessions with the hope that eventually they will not need a therapist to continually reinforce these skills as they will become a reflex. When a client is given access to a therapist whenever they would like between sessions it creates a reliance on the therapist to be an emotional barometer and regulator, which is not what a therapist is for. Most therapists’ ultimate goal is to work themselves out of a job. They want their clients to get to a point where they no longer need them. That’s a good thing. We welcome you back should something change, or we offer maintenance sessions on a spread-out basis like once a month or every six weeks until the client is feeling confident enough to be without a therapist.

Some of these platforms build dependency and often their policies go up against a therapist's professional ethics. One of these companies offers a bonus for client retention. Meaning if the client stays longer than what may be therapeutically necessary, then the therapist gets a monetary bonus. Does this mean all clients that stay long-term with this company don’t need the therapy? No. It means that some therapists may feel pressured to retain clients who are ready to discharge in order to receive a bonus.

The pay is so low for a licensed therapist in this situation that unless you see 30 to 40 clients a week, you're not making enough to make ends meet and pay off student loans. Seeing this many clients a week doesn’t leave room for administrative tasks that are required, and in a setup like these companies it is likely to be unpaid time. For every client, you have to have a treatment plan completed at the start of therapy and progress notes after every session. If they’re only being paid for the client contact, when are therapists supposed to do these tasks? There’s also finding resources to use in sessions, looking for assessments or referral sources, and other behind-the-scenes tasks that clients know very little about.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

I interviewed with one of these companies and declined the offer after explaining the ethical dilemma it would put me in, and the inevitable burnout I would experience. This particular company wanted its therapists to see 12 clients a day with a 30-minute lunch break. The average therapist in private practice sees between five and six clients per day. Some therapists choose to see up to 8 or 9 a day, but they are few and far between. The therapists that do choose that greater load, usually do so in order to take a day or two off during the work week. Twelve clients a day averages out to 60 clients a week, which is even more than some of the other platforms require to be considered full time.

When I made the company aware of ethical concerns due to the sheer volume of clients they were expecting therapists to see, I was contacted by the VP of the company. I again explained the concern, and while at first they sounded empathetic, the tone changed to indifferent and the call ended with no resolution. I’m still listed on the site as a therapist, which I discovered recently, though I’ve never been employed by them.

There is really so much more to dive into, and I could write a book about the concerns raised by licensed therapists about these big-box therapy companies, but the key takeaway is if you need mental health care it’s best to find a therapist in private practice. When money is an issue, many therapists offer sliding scale fees to make it affordable and some even offer pro bono spots. You can find therapists offering reduced rate fees on Open Path Psychotherapy Collective.

If virtual therapy is preferable to you due to time constraints, many therapists are now offering virtual therapy as an option. If you still can’t find a therapist, there is no shame in using one of these platforms because most employ licensed therapists and your mental health is our number one priority. One can understand the appeal and affordability of these large platforms and it's important to do whatever you can to look after your well-being. Just be sure to read the fine print.

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Joy

5 small things that made us smile this week

Your weekly cheat sheet to the best of the Internet

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Life can be bleak, so we’re going to be celebrating the small joys while we can—whether that’s a sweet snack that boosts your mood (courtesy of our friends at All In), or a dad joke so epic you'll hurt your eyes from rolling them so hard. These momentary mood boosters are everywhere you look—you just have to be able to find them underneath all the noise. And that’s where we come in.

Consider this weekly web series your cheat sheet to the best of the Internet—not just random memes to make you laugh, but examples of people truly finding something extraordinary in the mundane. Each Friday we'll be delivering five pieces of media that allow you to stop for a second, take a breath, and feel just a little bit brighter among the daily stress—and this week, in honor of Father's Day, it's dad-themed.

Ready to smile? Here we go.

1.The "soulmated so hard" trend

@breezeb3a

I’ll never recover from losing you 💓

♬ The Winner Is... Version - DeVotchKa

This is a TikTok trend that’s both wholesome and, at times, actually jaw-dropping. The premise is this: Pets can be our soulmates, and sometimes we “soulmate” so hard that our pets leave a lifelong impression on us. This trend has people showing how big of an impression their pets have made on them, even after they’ve crossed the rainbow bridge. In one video, user Brianna Kay shares an ultrasound of her baby with what looks like the outline of her dog kissing the baby on the forehead. In another video, an owner asks her soulmate cat to send her a sign from beyond the grave that she is at peace. The response (here) will shock you.

2. Dudes getting flowers

Why is it that men (traditionally speaking) are the ones who give flowers, and not usually the ones who get them? We don’t have a good answer for that, but it’s clearly time to flip the script. This week, our friends from All In are hitting the streets of New York and delivering bouquets to men, and they are absolutely loving it. Let’s make this a regular thing.

3. A new grandpa gets good news  

@ellelauricella In my feels today remembering my dad’s reaction to meeting my baby ❤️ We named his middle name after my father and kept it a surprise my whole pregnancy. This was one of the happiest moments of my whole life. #postpartum #dad #dadsoftiktok #dadanddaughter #grandson #firstgrandbaby #birthvlog #hospitalbirth #momsoftiktok #fyp #firsttimemom ♬ Stuff We Did (from 'Up') - Piano Version - your movie soundtrack

Just in time for Father's Day! There’s almost no better way to honor your dad than naming a new baby after him, which is exactly what happens in this video. It’s almost impossible not to cry (happy tears!) seeing this new grandpa learn the good news from his daughter, who’s already weepy from postpartum hormones. (We’re not crying, you’re crying.)

4. Dad's loving dogs

@aubree.avery I had to make a PowerPoint to convice my parents to let me get her & now she is four years old and my parents beg me everyday to let them keep her. #dogmom #doodle #doodlesoftiktok #dogs ♬ Kiss me Sixpence None The Richer - whitelinesprettybabyy

Speaking of adorable dads: It seems like there’s this universal experience where when someone brings a pet into a household, the dad of the household will refuse to bond with it (at least at first). TikTok has latched on to this truth and is now flipping the script, showcasing dads who initially refused to accept the family pet and are now treating it like their precious firstborn. Search “dads and the dog they didn’t want” on TikTok and you’ll find some hilarious examples (like this dad, testing every couch inside a furniture store to make sure he’s able to adequately rub the dog’s belly from his seat on the sofa).

5. A dog who just cannot handle a prank 

@haleyandthepets spoiler bro got mad instantly #foryou #foryoupage #dogs #fyp #dunkindadawg #viral ♬ snoopy von - joro.mixes

We can never share enough dog content, right? (That was a rhetorical question, because the answer is of course not.) Dogs are adorable. They’re hilarious. And they have some very strong feelings. In this video, one easygoing dog gets his “nose stolen” as a prank, and every time he finds out, he shows his owner that he is absolutely not having it. Give that baby her nose back!

For even more “extra”-ordinary moments, come find us on social media (@upworthy) or on upworthy.com!

For scrumptious snacks that add an extra boost of joy to your day, be sure to check out All In.

Popular

People from other countries share 14 things that instantly tell them someone's American

Have you ever heard of the "American lean"?

via zoetnet/Flickr, Ewen Roberts/Flickr and Tom Hodgkinson/Flickr
Some American tourists enjoying the sights

Americans have a style and personality all their own, which isn’t a bad thing. It’s just noticeable when they travel aboard. Americans often stand out because of their outgoing personalities. They are friendly and enjoy having casual conversations with strangers.

This is an endearing trait to a lot of people in more reserved cultures, although it can also come off as a little brash.

An American characteristic that isn’t quite endearing to people in other countries is that they can be rather loud. In Europe, one can always notice the Americans in the restaurant because they can be heard from across the room.

One Reddit user wanted to know the specific ways that Americans stand out when traveling abroad, so they asked the AskReddit subreddit: “What’s an obvious sign that someone is an American?”


american tourists, american culture, americans abroad, americans, USA, tourists, travel, europe, cultureIt may not be quite this obvious, but Americans do stand out.Giphy

The post was popular, receiving nearly 6,000 responses in just 6 days. The most popular ones described how Americans' unique personalities, style of dress, dental hygiene and body language make them easy to spot.

Here are 14 “obvious” signs that someone is an American.

1. Posture

american tourists, american culture, americans abroad, americans, USA, tourists, travel, europe, cultureAmericans slouch and lean.Giphy

"Apparently, the CIA trains American agents to not lean on things if they go undercover in foreign countries because Americans lean on anything they can while standing around," one user wrote.

"I bet MI6 trains British agents to lean on everything if they go undercover in America because Americans lean on anything they can while standing around," joked another.

Shockingly, this is actually true. The "American lean" is well-documented and, yes, a former CIA chief has said publicly that it's something the agency addresses with its operatives to help them blend in.

2. The date

"MMDDYYYY," a user said.

The way Americans write the date seems normal and commonplace when you're in the US, but around the world, we're practically the only ones who do it that way. Similarly, only a small handful of countries outside of the US use the imperial system of measure.

Writing the date or using feet and inches are a dead giveaway!

3. Distances are different

"Anything under 4 hours is 'close by," someone suggested.

"Everything in Europe is around the corner if you're from the US. I can drive the whole day and not leave my state, but in Europe, I can pass through 4 countries in that same time frame," said another.

The massive geography of the United States has a big affect on how we see distance. It shows up when we travel to other countries that are more densely packed together.

4. They're polite to servers

"In the touristy cafe-restaurant I worked at:

If they asked me for the nicest spot we had

If they asked me my recommendation without seeing the menu first

I would walk to the table, and they would say right away ‘hey, how are you doing?’ This one threw me off a lot at first. Why is this person asking me how I'm doing?? I'm just there to take the order. I got used to it, and I think they found my awkwardness cute.

They would ask my name when I greeted them and took their order.

I'm Northern European.," explained one user.

"It’s under-appreciated just how polite, friendly, and sincere Americans are in general. It blew my mind the first time I came to the US, and I love that my children are growing up with those same values," said another.

You might expect to hear that Americans are rude and entitled when traveling, but that's not necessarily the case! In America, some friendly rapport with your waiter is expected, and Americans tend to be a more outgoing bunch that love to engage. That makes them stand out in European countries, in particular, where restaurant service is meant to be professional and efficient rather than charismatic.


5. The water bottles

american tourists, american culture, americans abroad, americans, USA, tourists, travel, europe, cultureAmericans love huge water bottles.Giphy

"I was told, 'Americans carry water bottles around like they're worried they'll never have access to clean water ever again," one user said.

"I don't care what anyone says. If you think carrying a water bottle when walking a lot is weird, you're probably slightly dehydrated all the time and are just desensitized to it. You seriously need to drink water frequently if you want to be ideally healthy," said another.

The water bottle fad is uniquely American, for better or worse. Whether it's a Yeti, a Stanley, an Owalla, or something else, you can bet if someone is swinging a massive water bottle wherever they walk, they're an American.

6. Smiling

"I was in Germany this past summer, and I realized smiling at everyone you make eye contact with is very American. When I went to London on the same trip, they seemed less weirded out by it but would awkwardly return the smile. I was taught to always start with a disarming smile. Never realized it was American," said one person.

7. "More ice, please."

american tourists, american culture, americans abroad, americans, USA, tourists, travel, europe, cultureAmericans love tons of ice in their drinks.Giphy

"I spent a year in Europe completely iceless to the point I forgot that was a thing. I stopped at a bar in Chicago fresh off the plane and not only did I get free tap water, but water with ice. I instantly felt at home," added one person.

There is a long and fascinating history involving someone called "The Ice King" behind why Americans, and so few other cultures, love to put tons of ice in our drinks. Needless to say, it makes us stand out like a sore thumb when traveling.

8. Personal space

"As an American man, I’ve been told repeatedly by European and Asian friends that we simply take up space (not by being fat) as though we’re entitled to it. Men in other countries apparently don’t claim the same personal space we do," one person offered.

You mean manspreading? Apparently, other cultures don't do that.

9. White teeth

american tourists, american culture, americans abroad, americans, USA, tourists, travel, europe, cultureAmericans value ultra-white teeth.Giphy

"It’s even more bizarre that they assume we have braces or bleach our teeth because they’re straight and white. I have naturally straight white teeth. I brush them twice a day so they stay white. I don’t do anything special to them, but I remember being in London and some similar-aged students literally making fun of me for my teeth… it’s true that they don’t naturally look like headstones in an ancient graveyard, but there’s no need to make fun," someone added.

Imagine getting made fun of for having white teeth! For one reason or another, American culture places high value on having extremely white teeth. We all know the old jokes about British teeth, but some findings show that while Americans' teeth may be whiter, Brits may be healthier overall. Something to think about.

10. Casual dress

"My friend went to Germany recently, and what people said about Americans is you can spot them a mile away because they’re the ones wearing pajamas in public. Apparently, in other countries, at least Germany, they dress a little more formally and in less baggy clothes than we do in America," someone added.

Activewear, sweatpants, pajamas — we love to be comfortable! But it does make us a bit obvious when we're out and about in other countries.

11. Baseball hats

american tourists, american culture, americans abroad, americans, USA, tourists, travel, europe, cultureAmericans wear hats... everywhere.Giphy

"Baseball cap... even on an infant riding in a pram," a user suggested.

Baseball hats are common in many countries around the world, but most people internationally only wear them outside. If someone's wearing a cap inside or at a restaurant, it's a safe bet that person is American.

12. Shoes

"Americans are shoe snobs (they don’t think they are, but they are). Setting aside wealthier business types, Americans generally wear more on-brand, on-trend, high-quality shoes than others," someone said.

13. They're loud

american tourists, american culture, americans abroad, americans, USA, tourists, travel, europe, cultureAmericans' default volume is loud.Giphy

"That was my first thought. Americans yell at each other in normal conversation in public. I noticed it years ago in Europe, and now I can’t stand it in the US," another user added.

Now there's an unsurprising revelation! Just like our tendency to take up space, Americans seem to have less awareness of those around them when it comes to conversation volume, as well.

14. Occupation matters

"Immediately asking someone what they do for a living when meeting them. Our jobs and work are our entire identity," one person said.

"I hate that about American culture. I'm an American and recently became a SAHM, so I don't have an answer to 'What do you do for a living?' Half the time, I add the caveat, ‘Oh, my last job was with Apple,’ so that I'm not written off as an unemployed ‘loser.’ But it really is dumb to determine a person's worth by what they do in order to afford food and shelter," added another.

There are huge differences in work culture between America and other countries. They're so big and pervasive that they show up not just while we're working, but in the way we interact with others. For example, in Europe it's far less common to be friends with your coworkers. People value the purpose they find in work and the results, but are happy to keep the majority of their life separate from their career.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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Pop Culture

Woman tries to sell her 'blue' chair online, sparking a fierce color debate

We might have another "blue dress, gold dress" situation on our hands.

Photo credit: Canva

She was overwhelmed by the amount of responses saying she was wrong.

Since elementary school, we’ve been taught the general consensus of what each color looks like. Roses are red, the sky is blue, grass is green. That sort of thing. And still, more and more evidence comes along to suggest that no matter what sort of collective reality we all agree upon, color is just one of those things that is very much up to personal perception.

This can lead to some, well, interesting, if not intense interactions. Many of us still have PTSD from the whole “blue and black or white and gold dress” debate, after all.

Which brings us to Kristin Hughes, who aimed to sell her extra armchair—which she knew to be blue—on Facebook Marketplace. However, as she recalled on TikTok, things got confusing when the potential buyer insisted that the chair was gray.

Being a woman of the modern age, Hughes naturally decided to get a second opinion from the Internet. She even set it up next to her couch, which she also "always said was blue” to help obtain a fair assessment.

Let’s just say…the response wasn’t necessarily what she expected.

@im.krispy WHAT COLOR IS THIS CHAIR!!
♬ original sound - kristin

"It’s not only gray, it’s very freaking gray. 😂," one person wrote

Another echoed, "That is the grayest gray I’ve seen.”

Still another joked, “Is the blue in the room with us?”

“I hadn’t seen a single person say it was blue. I really did start spiraling,” Hughes told People in an interview. “I was shocked at the number of comments—but even more shocked that people were overwhelmingly saying the chair was gray. It had never crossed my mind that it wasn’t blue.”

In several subsequent videos, Hughes attempted to reclaim her sanity by pointing out several items in her home which she also thought were blue, of which many, many were in fact gray. Even with items she did correctly think were blue, she didn’t seem to notice how much different the shades of blue were from each other.

@im.krispy I am unwell
♬ original sound - kristin

As reality began setting in, Hughes then recalled buying her mom a blue couch as a gift. When she called her mom to talk about her now viral moment, her mom informed her that she had, in fact, bought a gray couch.

“If you had a nickel for every time you bought a gray couch thinking it was blue, you’d have TWO nickels. Which isn’t a lot but weird it happened TWICE," one person quipped, referencing a Phineas and Ferb-induced meme.

Upon several people suggesting she might be colorblind, Hughes recorded herself taking the EnChroma color blindness test online, where she did get some questions wrong.

@im.krispy Results are in but the doctor will be the deciding factor 🤓
♬ original sound - kristin


The good news is: after her video went viral, Hughes has been offered help in several ways, from an in-person colorblind assessment to a free couch from Wayfair—one that’s actually blue! So, her being transparent and having a good sense of humor about it seems to have only paid off.

Though Hughes’ story feels unique, many do not learn that they are color blind until later in life. And while it’s normally something present early in a person's life, people can also develop color blindness when they are older, though it’s rare. All this to say, it’s not all that baffling that she went otherwise unaware until one fateful Facebook encounter.

That person, whom Hughes thanked for stopping her from living “a millennial gray life,” did end up getting that decidedly not blue chair. So, happy endings all around.

If you’d like to take your own EnChroma color blindness test, click here.

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Learning

The one sign that someone is highly intelligent, according to literary genius Leo Tolstoy

He was a master of understanding the human condition.

en.m.wikipedia.org

Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy.

Leo Tolstoy was a Russian novelist known for epic works such as War and Peace and Anna Karenina. His life experiences—from witnessing war to spiritual quests—profoundly influenced his writings and gave him profound insights into the human soul. His understanding of emotions, motivations and moral dilemmas has made his work stand the test of time, and it still resonates with people today.

Julian de Medeiros, a TikToker who shares his thoughts on philosophy, recently shared how Tolstoy knew if someone was highly intelligent—and his observation says something extraordinary about humanity.

intelligence, thinking, thought process, humanity, humansAn intelligent man's thought process.Canva Photos

“The more intelligent a person is, the more he discovers kindness in others,” Tolstoy once wrote. “For nothing enriches the world more than kindness. It makes mysterious things clear, difficult things easy, and dull things cheerful.”

@julianphilosophy

Intelligent people are kind #intelligent #intelligence #kindness #smart #tolstoy #men #women


De Medeiros boiled down Tolstoy’s thoughts into a simple statement: “Intelligent people are unafraid to be kind.” He then took things a step further by noting that Tolstoy believed in the power of emotional intelligence. "To have emotional intelligence is to see the good in other people, that is what Tolstoy meant, that to be intelligent is to be kind," he added.

It seems that, according to de Medeiros, Tolstoy understood that intelligent people are kind and perceptive of the kindness in others. The intelligent person is conscious of the kindness within themselves and in the world around them.

In a 2024 opinion piece for Inc., author and speaker Jeff Hayden cites organizational psychologist Adam Grant, who says, "Generosity isn't just a sign of virtue. It's also a mark of intelligence. Data: people with high IQs have more unselfish values, give more to charity, and negotiate better deals for others. They prioritize the long-term collective good over short-term self-interest. It's smarter to be a giver than a taker."

Hayden adds on to this statement, saying, "...You can also be smart enough to be generous, thoughtful, and kind. You can be smart enough to build people up instead of tearing them down. You can be smart enough to give before you receive (or better yet, with no expectation of reciprocation.) You can be smart enough to shift the credit from yourself to others."

kindness, intelligence, humanity, human condition, be kindKids showing kindness through sharing. Canva Photos

In other words, these findings certainly line up with what Tolstoy's take on the correlation between kindness and intelligence.

Through Tolstoy's musings, de Medeiros (and Hayden and Grant) makes a point that is often overlooked when people talk about intelligence: truly smart people are as in touch with their hearts as they are with their minds.

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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Family

Body safety expert shares why parents should never threaten to hurt child abusers

It's more harmful to their kids than they know.

via Canva/Photos

A father talking to his daughter.

Warning: The following article discusses child sexual abuse and may be upsetting to some readers.

Every parent wants their child to feel protected from any type of danger that may come their way. However, Lexi Koster, a Child Life Specialist and Certified Clinical Trauma Specialist with expertise in childhood sexual assault (CSA), says that parents should be careful how they talk about protecting their children from sexual abusers.

Koster believes that parents should refrain from telling their children that if they are touched inappropriately, they will take action against them, whether it means physical harm or getting the law involved. That doesn’t mean the parents shouldn't take appropriate action if something were to occur, but they shouldn’t talk about any potential punishment or retribution around their child.

@thebodysafetyexpert

#bodysafety #bodysafetyeducation #csaprevention #fyp #childprotection #childsafety #protectourkids #foryou #childsafetytips #protectourchildren #parenting101 #consciousparenting

“Kids will believe you when you say things like ‘If anybody ever touches your private parts, I will make sure something bad happens to them’ or ‘You will never see them again,’” she explains in a video on TikTok with over 190,000 views. “This is a big problem because kids are most often sexually abused by people they know and love, like family members.

“So if they think that you’re going to hurt this person, or send them away so that they never see them again, this might scare them into not disclosing to you and enduring this abuse for a very long time,” Koster continues. “Instead, if kids ask what will happen to this person, you can say ‘I’ll make sure they get the help they need from trusted professionals, but what happens to them is not your responsibility and it is not your fault.”

sad girl, paper dolls, blaonde little girl, young girl, arts and craftsA young girl playing with a paper doll.via Canva/Photos

Koster’s advice is based on one of the most disturbing facts about child abuse: often, the abuser is someone the family knows and trusts. According to Darkness to Light, an organization dedicated to ending child sexual abuse, more than 90% of abusers are people that children know, love, and trust. Thirty to forty percent of abusers are family members, and 50% are someone outside of the family that the child knows and trusts. Eighty-five percent of child abuse victims never report their abuse, and a big reason is that they are afraid of harming their abuser.

“This is why I get so frustrated when I see people fantasize about hurting (or worse) abusers. I get the emotional reaction, trust me, as a victim, I know, but these actions and rhetoric only make it harder for victims to feel able to come forward,” one of the TikTok commenters wrote. “This is the exact reason I never told my family. I was terrified of the consequences,” another added. “Double this with: Abusers often threaten their victims with the same line of things if not worse if they 'tell', and it's an absolute riptide current situation,” a commenter wrote.

soccer coach, co-ed soccer team, young girls and boys, coach and kids, sportsA soccer coach working with his team.via Canva/Photos

What are some signs that someone may be a child abuser?

The disturbing things about child abusers is that they, more often than not, are someone the child and family know well. So, how can we identify if someone is an abuser before something terrible happens? Koster says there are five red flags parents should look out for.

@thebodysafetyexpert

Replying to @tia_ftm i have a whole comprehensive resource on body safety for parents which i’ll share once I hit 1K! (I can’t post a link in my bio until that happens) Pls help me reach this goal!! ❤️ #bodysafety #bodysafetyeducation #csaprevention #fyp #foryou #childprotection #childsafety #childsafetytips #protectourkids #protectourchildren #consciousparenting #parenting101

Five red flags that someone may be a child abuser

1. Insisting on alone time

“First, is creating opportunities for or insisting on having alone time with a child. I've heard countless stories from parents about tutors, piano teachers, even grandparents getting defensive when the parents suggests that another adult should be present to monitor the activities. That is a huge red flag.”

2. Boundary pushing and manipulation

“This might look like a person insisting on babysitting your child because you really look like you need a break, or subtly testing boundaries like making inappropriate comments or jokes about or in front of children.”

3. Too-good-to-be-true complex

“They are available for absolutely any issue, day or night, for your family may sometimes even show up and offer this support unprovoked."

4. Downplaying or deflecting concerns

"Fourth is exhibiting behaviors where they're exerting some sort of control over a child. This might look like encouraging secrecy, which is a big no no, or engaging in excessive physical contact while ignoring a child's discomfort. They might do this in order to make you feel guilty for bringing it up in the first place, and may even use their status or favors that they've done for the child and family to quickly shut down concerns.”

5. Defensiveness

“Anytime someone gets defensive or makes you feel stupid for insisting that they practice body safety rules with your child, red flag, no good. My best advice to you is to trust your gut. If someone feels off or too good to be true, they probably are.”

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Schools

Gen Xer's old-school paddle photo brings back vivid memories, and wow, times have changed

Yes kids, this was a real thing.

Same_Blacksmith9840/Reddit

The holes were for added speed and force, believe it or not.

Gen X childhoods are often portrayed as somewhat idyllic, filled with feral freedom and hours of screen-free adventures in nature. A certain amount of that portrayal is true, and yes, it was often as glorious as it sounds. But there were some not-so-great things about growing up Gen X and older, too, that might shock some of the younger folks.

For instance, corporal punishment in schools was common. Not only were teachers and administrators allowed to discipline kids, but they sometimes did it by hitting them with paddles. "Hacks" or "swats" or "licks" they were often called, with kids essentially being spanked—but with hard objects. Many people of a certain age have stories of kids being sent to the principal's office to endure a number of hacks by an adult who, for some baffling reason, felt it was perfectly acceptable—necessary, even—to beat a child with a heavy piece of wood.

gif, paddlin, corporal punishment, punishment, schoolthe simpsons paddle GIFGiphy

It's surreal to imagine it now, isn't it? A (now-deleted) photo shared on Reddit of a paddle with holes in it (for greater speed and force due to less air resistance) threw Gen Xers and any Boomers reading into a vivid memory spiral as people shared stories from their own experiences. Not everyone got the paddle—some got hit with yardsticks, switches, and other objects—but it's clear that corporal punishment (i.e., physical violence inflicted in the name of discipline) was commonplace during that era.

As people shared:

"My fifth grade teacher had one like this — he called it 'Count Whistler.'"

"The worse part is some student made it for credit in shop. That's the part I never got over."

"Ha! Yep. THAT thing! Good grief. Memory flood. Hung in Mr Flanagan's office beside the doorway. Fortunately, I was only a one-time recipient. Don't even remember why. Something minor and unintentional.

"But, the holes...THE HOLES! They possessed a mythical foreboding power, combining rough-shot aerodynamics, 1970s ambivalence, delivered randomly with casual sadistic intent!"

"I was never paddled but others were. One girl was so scared, she threw up on the principal. Good times."

corporal punishment, physical discipline, old-school disciplineDrawing depicting corporal punishment, Theodor Hosemann Prügelstrafe, 1842Public domain

"I got switched the 3rd day of kindergarten. Hated school every single day afterwards."

"I remember kids getting smacked on the palm with a yardstick in front of the class in kindergarten. They had to stand there with their palm up waiting for the blow. Seeing kindergarten age kids now I just can’t fathom how anyone could do that to a little kid."

"I was hit in the ass with a black-square metal device as punishment. It was In front of the whole school (we had to line up by class) by after recess. And yes by the school principal. And no it was not my fault. Still hurts to this day. More psychological than anything."

"I had severe ADHD (still do) and was paddled regularly, often harshly and for reasons I didn't understand. Eventually they gave up on the beatings and just stuck me in the hallway and forgot about me. That was when I actually started learning things, sneaking into the library to read whatever I could."

"Kids used to be paddled in front of school assemblies - it was terrible. It was the era of 'tough love', which gave cover to blatant abuse."

child, corporal punishment, discipline, parenting. schoolSome parents didn't allow schools to physically punish their kids.

If you're wondering how parents allowed schools to hit their children, some did and some didn't. There were often permission slips sent home requesting parents to consent to such "discipline" methods, and parental attitudes were all over the map.

"My school required a parent to sign a form allowing them to 'discipline' a student. My mom was 'Hell No!' My mom would have shown up and paddled them."

"I spent most of my life in the northeast, where this didn't happen, so imagine my surprise during my brief stint in a Florida school when I got caught chewing gum and was sent to the principal's office to be paddled. I told them they had better call my mother first, which they fortunately did.

My mother, who was not a woman to be trifled with, told them if they laid a finger on me they would be sorry beyond anything they could imagine and that we came from 'a civilized place' and she couldn't believe anyone thought it was okay for 'some old pervert to put his hands on a teenage girl's ass.' I did not get paddled."

woman saying no, refusing consent, nope, not happening, gifSome parents said "absolutely not" to corporal punishment.Giphy by NETFLIX

"My pops, who at the time did believe in a bit of corporal punishment for certain offenses, wrote them a nice note to go with the refusal which I only found out about years later. 'To whom it may concern, my penmanship sucks because the nuns at my school beat me for writing with my left hand even though I am naturally left handed. Not only do I deny you permission to strike my children I will send anyone who does so to the hospital.' Dad was actually a fairly chill guy but I have no doubt he meant every word."

"My school required the same and my mom informed me she was going to sign it as the principal insisted. At 8 years old I looked her straight in the eyes and said they would have to call the police cus I wouldn’t be going down without a fight. My mom did not end up signing it."

"At my elementary school they called them 'swat slips.' Well, I got one and was supposed to take it home for my parents to sign. Being a 9 year old girl, I was not down for a swat from my middle aged vice principal. The next day, I returned it unsigned and declared that my dad said he would discipline me at home. The school called my dad to verify this. He did take care of it at home and beat my bare ass with his leather belt. I should have taken the swat."

As of 2024, corporal punishment was still legal in 17 states and practiced in 14, according to the National Education Association. Six additional states have not expressly outlawed it. While the violent discipline method has fallen out of favor for the most part, it's not gone.

Roughly 69,000 students received corporal punishment in the 2017-18 school year, nearly 40,000 fewer than in 2013. The pandemic disrupting in-person schooling likely had an impact on the most recent number available—about 20,000 students in 2020-21—but even those numbers might be shocking to those of us who assume that paddling children had become a relic from a bygone era.

And lest there be any question as to whether the practice is bad, The World Health Organization has classified corporal punishment as “a violation of children’s rights to respect for physical integrity and human dignity, health, development, education and freedom from torture and other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”

Of course, there are people who try to argue that moving away from corporal punishment is "what's wrong with kids these days," but there's a whole ocean of options in between beating a child and having no school discipline whatsoever. Fear of bodily harm is not a necessary component of learning how to behave in a civilized manner, and corporal punishment has been shown time and again to do more harm than good.

But we don't even need those studies to know that paddling kids was wrong. Reading through Gen Xers' responses to the paddle photo, it's clear that the vast majority aren't even remotely grateful for the experience, but rather appalled that it ever happened in the first place. Hitting a child with what is essentially a bat on the arms or legs or back would be considered child abuse, but hitting them on their bottom—which we tell kids is a private area—was somehow not child abuse? There's no way to make that make sense.

Thankfully, we've learned a lot over the decades, but the fact that these things are still used anywhere is shocking.

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