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Trump wanted to look tough posing with bikers. It backfired in a major way.

Notice anything wrong with this picture?

​Brendan Smialowski/Getty Images.

And no, we’re not just talking about Trump’s duck face pose.

During his latest vacation, the president posed for photos with supporters calling themselves “Bikers for Trump” during a visit to the Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey.

Motorcycles are cool, there’s no denying that. But Trump has a growing history of taking beloved things - football, LeBron James, and Harley's to name just a few recent examples, and politicizing them to toxic and polarizing levels.

After all, who can forget this photo (though we'd all like to)?

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

In this case, at least one of the bikers posing with Trump sported a sexist patch that also managed to embrace the worst aspects of gun culture.

​Brendan Smialowski/Getty Images.

The photoshoot sparked false claims of bikers with Nazi tattoos at the White House. But the reality is bad enough.

Trump’s biker photoshoot suddenly became controversial once eagle-eyed observers pointed out the offensive patch. Unfortunately, that led to a conspiracy theory going viral that Trump had appeared at the White House with a biker sporting a Nazi tattoo and promoted the whole thing from his Twitter account.

Fake news is never a good thing, but it’s sad that we live in a time when it actually takes a fact-finding investigation to conclude that Trump wasn’t posing for photos with literal Nazis during the anniversary of the Charlottesville racist march - he was “only” posing with open sexists.

And, oh yeah, there really was a "Bikers for Trump" supporter sporting a Nazi tattoo. He just happened to be at a different rally.

Trump thinks sexism is masculine. It’s not.

Men are struggling to define positive projections of masculinity. Guys like Terry Crews and The Rock show that clearly not all masculinity is toxic - and one of the manliest things you can do is to stand up against sexism, homophobia, racism and other forms of systemic discrimination.

Unfortunately, Trump is still tied to antiquated and false ideas of what it means to be a “real man.”

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A 3-word method can help you make relaxed small talk that doesn't feel like an interview

Injecting some personality can make things a lot more fun.

via Canva/Photos

A man and woman chatting over some wine.

A lot of people are uncomfortable making small talk, but it’s an essential skill that can make or break your love life, career, and social experiences. Many people believe that being good at chatting with others is something innate, but those who excel at it work at their craft and pick up small tips along the way to become better communicators.

One of the tricks that all great communicators know is that you will be more likable when you're more interested than interesting. Study after study shows that people love talking about themselves, and if you ask people more questions, they will like you a lot more than if you did all the talking. So, how do we do this without creating a one-sided conversation where your conversation partner learns nothing about you? The folks at the Science of People have shared the statement-plus question technique.

The statement-plus technique

“One of the smoothest ways to keep conversation flowing is to share a brief personal statement followed by a question,” the Science of People writes. “This technique accomplishes two things: it gives the other person information about you (making you seem more approachable and interesting) while also redirecting focus to them.”

small talk, conversation, office party, people talking, wine Coworkers having a nice conversation.via Canva/Photos

Here are some examples:

Instead of asking “What do you do for work?” say:

“I’m a writer for Upworthy, and I enjoy seeing my work read by millions of people. What excites you about your job?”

Instead of asking, “Where do you live?” try:

“I live in Long Beach, California, and it’s really nice living by the ocean. What do you love the most about where you live?”

Instead of asking, “How do you know the person who threw the party?” say:

“I met Sarah at a church meeting seven years ago. Do you remember the first time you met her?”

These questions enable you to discuss yourself while maintaining the focus on the other person. They are also open-ended, so you don’t just get a one-word answer. You learn their job and what excites them about it. You know where they live, and they get to brag about what they like about the city. The technique also broadens the conversation because, according to the psychological phenomenon known as reciprocal self-disclosure, people are more likely to disclose things about themselves after you share something about yourself.

- YouTube youtu.be

What is reciprocal self-disclosure?

“The most likely result of your self-disclosure is that other people will do the same. In the field of communication, we refer to this as 'reciprocity.' When you share information about yourself, the most likely result is that people will start to disclose a similar type of information from their own lives," communication coach Alexander Lyon says. "In our presentations, we talk about this as a magic wand. Disclosure is the closest thing we have to a magic wand in terms of a concept in communication. When you disclose, other people almost automatically reciprocate."

Ultimately, people love to talk about themselves, and if you give them the opportunity, they will like you more for it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reveal some aspects of yourself at the same time while keeping the focus on them. The statement-plus question technique allows you to reveal some things about yourself while making the other person feel seen and comfortable telling you more about themselves. It’s sure to elevate your small talk to something more substantial in a relaxed way that doesn’t feel like an interview.

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Wellness

Man shares his 3-part 'perfect night' and its simplicity is awe-inspiring

"That's the dream."

Photo Credit: Canva

A man skips rock into water. A man drinks a beer at a firepit.

“Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” - Socrates

Sometimes, it's about getting back to basics. Stripping down all the extra noise and fabric to the bare, raw moments where time stands still and we can soak in just a dash of contentment.

For Canadian TikToker Nolan Reid, it really is about remembering the simplest things that bring happiness. Clad in a soft blue-gray shirt with his signature mustache, he faces the camera with a chyron saying, "My idea of a perfect night." He then points to three ideas floating on the screen while sweet music underscores the plan.

@nolanreid7

Last scene almost took a spill in the water, lets see your #perfectnight #myperfectnight #saskatchewan

  1. Skip rocks.
  2. Drink beers.
  3. Have a fire.

He then harkens the TikTok watchers to come along so we can experience his plan in action. As he stands on the embankment of a lake, while the orangey pink sunset threatens to descend, he begins (as promised) by skipping rocks into the water.

As the sun continues to set, now resembling the flicker of a cigarette, we see Reid walk onto a dock holding a beer in one hand as he continues skipping rocks with the other. We then see part three of his "very simple plan"—a small fire crackling off to the side.

For many, this pulls an emotional chord. For some (at least for me), it reminds me of my young Gen X childhood in a small Texan town. No cell phones, no distractions. Just a lake, a fire, and a few bubbly (albeit too sweet) wine coolers. Sometimes with friends, and sometimes alone as a time to under-think for once.

It's, in a way, Reid's version of stopping to smell the roses. Incidentally, Kelly Willis, Professor of Biodiversity at the University of Oxford recently shared on BBC Countryfile, "The impact nature can have on our wellbeing." She goes on to list different scents and their effect on our bodies. Of roses, she says, "Smelling roses makes you more relaxed and a calmer driver. Even smelling roses for as little as 90 seconds has been shown to trigger a reduction in participants’ physiological indicators of stress."

being present, simple things, smelling roses, wellbeing, wellness A person sniffs a yellow rose. Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Reid asks his followers what their "perfect night" is. Nearly 170,000 likes and 450 comments follow, beginning with this kind one: "Not all heroes wear capes. Some have glorious mustaches and drink beer." Others continue to compliment Reid, claiming he is their inspiration and "Canadian hero." One shares, "If this isn't me in five years, I don't want life."

A few offer ideas for *their* perfect night: Fishing rods and tubes for tubing are added to lists. This person spoke in code, but it seems pretty clear what they mean: "Personally we would camp there and fish and also shmoke shome shmeed."

This wouldn't be the first time Nolan Reid has graced our pages. Within the last year, my Upworthy colleague Evan Porter shared a story from Reid where he lists "12 things that make men happy." (Among them, again, beer and skipping rocks. He adds in a good dog by your side and more.)

In fact, Reid's entire page seems dedicated to finding joy in the little tiny things we forget might make us feel good. Much of it is the pleasures of camping, with simple videos of Reid making breakfast. (These are often scored by Tragically Hip songs, because of course.)


@nolanreid7

Breaky in a beauty spot @Scout Campers #mountains #breakfast #hellyeah #MuzzyMade


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These 4 words can keep a conversation flowing forever no matter how bad you are at small talk

There's literally no way to screw this up.

Credit: Canva

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

conversation, friends, small talk, chatting Two women chatting in front of a fire. Credit: Atlantic Ambience/Pexels

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement:

"It reminds me of…”

A Redditor recently shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun:

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


- YouTube www.youtube.com

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologuing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

conversation, small talk, chatting, cafe Two guys chat at a cafe. Credit: Helena Lopes/Pexels

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.


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Happiness researcher explains how making a 'reverse bucket list' can change your life

Counterintuitive in our culture, but effective.

Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons

Harvard researcher Arthur C. Brooks studies what leads to human happiness.

We live in a society that prizes ambition, celebrating goal-setting, and hustle culture as praiseworthy vehicles on the road to success. We also live in a society that associates successfully getting whatever our hearts desire with happiness. The formula we internalize from an early age is that desire + ambition + goal-setting + doing what it takes = a successful, happy life.

But as Harvard University happiness researcher Arthur C. Brooks has found, in his studies as well as his own experience, that happiness doesn't follow that formula. "It took me too long to figure this one out," Brooks told podcast host Tim Ferris, explaining why he uses a "reverse bucket list" to live a happier life.

bucket list, wants, desires, goals, detachment Many people make bucket lists of things they want in life. Giphy

Brooks shared that on his birthday, he would always make a list of his desires, ambitions, and things he wanted to accomplish—a bucket list. But when he was 50, he found his bucket list from when he was 40 and had an epiphany: "I looked at that list from when I was 40, and I'd checked everything off that list. And I was less happy at 50 than I was at 40."

As a social scientist, he recognized that he was doing something wrong and analyzed it.

"This is a neurophysiological problem and a psychological problem all rolled into one handy package," he said. "I was making the mistake of thinking that my satisfaction would come from having more. And the truth of the matter is that lasting and stable satisfaction, which doesn't wear off in a minute, comes when you understand that your satisfaction is your haves divided by your wants…You can increase your satisfaction temporarily and inefficiently by having more, or permanently and securely by wanting less."

Brooks concluded that he needed a "reverse bucket list" that would help him "consciously detach" from his worldly wants and desires by simply writing them down and crossing them off.

"I know that these things are going to occur to me as natural goals," Brooks said, citing human evolutionary psychology. "But I do not want to be owned by them. I want to manage them." He discussed moving those desires from the instinctual limbic system to the conscious pre-frontal cortex by examining each one and saying, "Maybe I get it, maybe I don't," but crossing them off as attachments. "And I'm free…it works," he said.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"When I write them down, I acknowledge that I have the desire," he explained on X. "When I cross them out, I acknowledge that I will not be attached to this goal."

The idea that attachment itself causes unhappiness is a concept found in many spiritual traditions, but it is most closely associated with Buddhism. Mike Brooks, PhD, explains that humans need healthy attachments, such as an attachment to staying alive and attachments to loved ones, to avoid suffering. But many things to which we are attached are not necessarily healthy, either by degree (over-attachment) or by nature (being attached to things that are impermanent).

"We should strive for flexibility in our attachments because the objects of our attachment are inherently in flux," Brooks writes in Psychology Today. "In this way, we suffer unnecessarily when we don't accept their impermanent nature."

What Arthur C. Brooks suggests that we strive to detach ourselves from our wants and desires because the simplest way to solve the 'haves/wants = happiness' formula is to reduce the denominator. The reverse bucket list, in which you cross off desires before you fulfill them, can help free you from attachment and lead to a happier overall existence.

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Simple '30-second rule' can help even awkward people appear to be brilliant conversationalists

Do this one thing early in the conversation and you'll be off and running.

via Canva/Photos

A man and two women having a fun conversation.

It's bold but true: There’s no one alive who doesn’t feel some anxiety about making small talk with other people. The difference is that some confront their fears because they know the incredible benefits that it can mean for their social life, romantic prospects, and careers, while some shy away and miss out on many opportunities.

People who avoid small talk may believe those who excel at it are naturally charismatic or have been blessed with the “gift of gab.” However, many great conversationalists honed their skills and have a set of rules, techniques, and strategies they use when speaking to people, just like how people who do improvisational comedy or acting have a set of rules to follow to put everyone on the same page.

Confident, sociable people may make engaging with others look effortless, but that’s because they have a strategy.

couple, date, conversation, 30-second rule, chatting, encouragement, small talk A couple shares a pizza on a date. Credit: Danny Villegas/Pexels


What is the 30-second rule?

New York Times bestselling author and founder of the Maxwell Institute, John C. Maxwell, had a rule whenever he started a conversation: “Within the first 30 seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging to a person.” This can work in any social or professional situation, for example:

At work:

“Wendy, I heard you did great on yesterday’s conference call.”

“Frank, I hear the clients really love working with you.”

At a party:

“Mohammed, I really loved those pictures you posted on Instagram on your trip to Mexico.”

“Sang, are we going to get some of your incredible barbecue today?”

On a date:

“Thanks for choosing such a great restaurant, it has such a nice ambiance.”

“I really like the way your necklace brings out your eyes.”

Whether you are complimenting, relaying positive information about the person, or encouraging them, the key is to pump them up and make them feel good about themselves. The 30-second rule fits nicely into Maxwell’s overall view of relationships: “Those who add to us, draw us to them. Those who subtract, cause us to withdraw,” he said.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

The key to giving the other person encouragement is to do so genuinely. If you aren’t genuine with your compliments or words of encouragement, your words can have the opposite effect and make the other person feel like you are being condescending.

How does encouragement make people feel?

Studies have shown that when people hear words of encouragement, they feel good and have a burst of energy. Psychologist Henry H. Goddard studied tired children and found that they had a burst of energy when he said something encouraging to them. But when he said something negative, they became even more tired.

Ultimately, a direct connection exists between being likeable and being genuinely interested in other people. William King once said, “A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”

couple, date, conversation, 30-second rule, chatting, encouragement, small talkYou can do it!


Every time you start a new conversation with someone, take the opportunity to share some words of encouragement with the other person, and you’ll be on your way to being seen as a brilliant conversationalist.

This article originally appeared in May. It has been updated.

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