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Parenting

Psychologist shares the 5 'core' memories your child will cherish from their childhood

A lot of parents will be surprised by her answers.

via Julia Kuzenkov/Pexels

A young girl relaxing in an inner tube.


There’s a popular trend where parents often share they are creating “core memories” for their children on social media posts, whether it’s planning an elaborate vacation or creating an extra-special holiday moment.

While it’s important for parents to want their kids to have happy childhoods, sometimes it feels presumptuous when they believe they can manufacture a core memory. Especially when a child’s inner world is so much different than an adult's.

Carol Kim, a mother of 3 and licensed Marriage and family Therapist, known as ParentingResilience on Instagram, recently shared the “5 Things Kids Will Remember from Their Childhood” on her page. The fascinating insight is that none of the entries had to do with extravagant vacations, over-the-top birthday parties, or Christmas gifts that kids could only dream about.

According to Kim, the five things that kids will remember all revolve around their parents' presence and support. "Notice how creating good memories doesn’t require expensive toys or lavish family trips. Your presence is the most valuable present you can give to your child,” Kim wrote in the post’s description.

1. Quality time together

"Taking some time to focus only on your child is very special. Playing games, reading books, or just talking can create strong, happy memories. These moments show your child that you are present with them."

2. Words of encouragement

"Encouraging words can greatly impact your child during both good times and tough times. Kids often seek approval from their parents and your positive words can be a strong motivator and source of comfort.... It can help kids believe in themselves, giving them the confidence to take on new challenges and keep going when things get tough."

parenting, core memories, quality time

A mother and child riding a small bike.

via Gustavo Fring/Pexels

3. Family traditions

“It creates a feeling of stability and togetherness … Family traditions make children feel like they belong and are part of a larger story, deepening their sense of security and understanding of family identity and values.”

4. Acts of kindness

“Seeing and doing kind things leaves a strong impression on children. It shows them the importance of being kind and caring. They remember how good it feels to help others and to see their parents helping too.”

5. Comfort during tough times

"Knowing they can rely on you during tough times makes them feel secure and build trust. … Comforting them when they're struggling shows them they are loved no matter what, helping them feel emotionally secure and strong."

parenting, core memories, quality time

A family making a meal together.

via Elina Fairytale/Pexels

Kim’s strategies are all beautiful ways to be present in our children’s lives and to communicate our support. However, these seemingly simple behaviors can be challenging for some parents who are dealing with issues stemming from their pasts.

“If you find barriers to providing these things, it’s important to reflect on why,” Kim writes in the post. “There could be several reasons, such as parenting in isolation (we’re not meant to parent alone), feeling overstimulated, dealing with past trauma, or struggling with mental health. Recognizing these challenges is the first step to addressing them and finding support.”

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Wellness

Viral Facebook post explains why you should ignore the haters and 'wear the damn bathing suit'

Juggling the Jenkins/Facebook

It's almost May, which means it's almost warm enough everywhere in the U.S. for people to start busting out the swim gear and heading to the lake or the river or the ocean. And that means it's also time for the Annual Body Image Battle a huge percentage of women wage with themselves when it comes to putting on a swimsuit.

Despite social discourse moving more and more toward body positivity and embracing ourselves no matter our size, a whole lot of us still feel self-conscious about our bodies. And nothing amplifies that self-consciousness like putting on a skin-tight swimsuit that exposes most of our skin suit to the world. Unless we are literally bikini models—and sometimes even if we are—standing in front of a mirror in a swimsuit prompts a million mental messages to kick in, with phrases like "muffin top," "saddlebags," "love handles," and "cottage cheese thighs," bouncing around like ping pong balls in our brain.

We are critical of our bodies partly because we compare ourselves to airbrushed bikini models—whether we want to or not—and partly because we fear the criticism and cruelty of other people. The former is something we each have to work through for ourselves, but a new video from vlogger Tiffany Jenkins perfectly illustrates why the criticisms of others shouldn't prevent us from putting on the suit and heading to the beach.

It's not just because we shouldn't listen to cruelty. It's because there is no one who isn't subject to judgment and criticism.

Jenkins wrote: "To all my beautiful friends: Please watch this, it's important. These are ACTUAL comments from the photos. The message here is clear. 👏Eff👏peoples👏opinions👏of👏you."

In her video, Jenkins shared real photos of real people in swimsuits that she saw on social media, along with the real comments people have left on those photos. Each of the photos shows a woman of a different size and shape, from extra endowed to basically average, including a couple of famous women who have been seen as sex symbols. And you know what? The comments are cruel on every single one of them.

So then Jenkins says, "It's the internet. Apparently, everyone is too fat for people of the internet. Let me just put up a picture of a thin bikini model, and then everybody will be happy and have no complaints."

HA. No. Even the super tanned, thin woman in a little bikini had people ridiculing her body in the comments.

Watch:



Jenkins summed up the lesson perfectly. "Friends, people are always going to find something negative to say. So put on that damn bathing suit and get out in the sun and live your best life. Eff everybody."

Right on, Tiffany. Eff everybody who feels the need to make any judgment whatsoever about somebody's body. Literally every single human body is different, and the idea that only people with some kind of subjectively "perfect" body get to feel comfortable in a swimsuit is utterly ridiculous. Especially when even those with bikini model bodies still get criticized. Sure, they probably also get more compliments than others, but who flippin' cares. The beach isn't supposed to be a beauty pageant; it's a place to enjoy the sun and sand and sparkling water.

The number of people who could put on a swimsuit and have no one find something to criticize is zero, so we have got to stop looking for validation from others to determine whether or not we should go out in a swimsuit and enjoy ourselves. It's not always that simple. It's hard to embrace the bodies we're in when we have so many messages telling us they're not good enough, but the reality is this: We get one life here. We can spend it fretting over specific details of our bodies or we can spend it basking in the warm sun, splashing in the cool water, and flipping a mental middle finger to anyone who tries to steal that joy from us.

Our bodies are worthy of fun and joy, no matter their size or shape. No amount of social media b.s. can change that.

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Wellness

Woman's post about being groped while swimming laps prompts others to share their stories

Serena Repice Lentini on Unsplash

Ask any group of women if they've ever been touched inappropriately by a stranger, and most will have a story to tell. While there is some gray area when it comes to occasional bumps or grazes in public, there are some situations that are so blatantly gropey, there can be no question as to what's happening.

Some men (and yes, some women) simply cannot seem to keep their hands to themselves, and some will go out of their way to get their creepy fingers on someone else's body. Gross, but true.

A thread on Reddit highlighted this fact when a woman who goes by the handle "thestashattacked" described what happened to her when she was swimming laps at the pool.

"So I'm lap swimming, and we have 7 swim lanes. 7. That is a ridiculous number of lanes. And, as per usual at this time in the morning, they're all occupied. Now, usually, you share lanes under these circumstances. Not a problem.

Except this time I'm somehow the only woman swimming, in the crappy shallow lane.

Man comes in, and wants to swim. That's fine. He has to share a lane (which is risky due to COVID anyway), but he won't share with any of the men in the good lanes.

No, he absolutely has to share with the only woman in the pool. And of course, every time we pass he has to graze his hand across my ass.

Eventually, I told him if he couldn't keep his hands to himself, I'd either start hitting, or he could move to another lane. I was here first, and the only reason he came into this lane is that there's a woman here. Seriously, this is the worst lane.

(Yes, the lifeguard told him to get out after I yelled at him. Apparently he's way more obvious about the groping when you can see it from outside the water.)"

Choosing the crappiest lane because it's the only one with a woman in it is no accident. When you're swimming in the same lane as someone, it's natural that you may accidentally bump or graze them, but groping someone's butt every time you pass is also no accident. It's sexual assault. It doesn't matter how quick it was, whether he "grabbed" or "grazed," or whether it was one second or three. Repeatedly putting your hands on a woman's behind as she swims by is sexual assault. Full stop.

This woman's story inspired others to share their own experiences with similar Gropy McGropertons, and they're all just as infuriating.

Cyssane wrote:

"I had this shit happen to me when I was just 14 years old. I was hanging around at a local mall by myself (I'd done this plenty of times before without incident). I was looking at clothing on a rack and some older guy walked past me and grazed my ass.

I'm a young kid, so I thought it was accidental at first, but every time I went somewhere else this creep would follow me around the mall. It was about equal parts infuriating and scary.

Finally I found a group of girls around my age and quickly explained what was happening. They were so great -- they immediately grasped the situation and formed a wall around me for the rest of the day. They'd ask where I wanted to go next and then we all went there in a group. Several of them pulled out small items that could be used as weapons in case the creep tried to get too close to us -- keys held between the fingers, metal nail files, things like that. Creepy guy didn't dare to approach after that, and he finally left us alone.

I'll always be grateful to those girls. They were amazing."

Creepy stalker dudes are familiar to most women at some point in their lives. Good for that group of girls for sticking together and protecting her. But seriously, that should not have to happen.

The_Thugmuffin wrote:

"When I was about eleven/twelve I was at a swimming pool party in a indoor place you could rent out. Bunch of kids there and we were all having fun. Myself and my cousin went to the super deep end to play that game where you toss items to the bottom and pick them up.

Anyways, this older dude decided he wanted to play with us and my cousin and I thought that was cool that an adult wanted to play a game.

We dive once, old dude rubs up on top of me at the bottom. His crotch was aggressively shoved against my butt, his full weight pushed me to the bottom of the pool. I think that's weird, but that he was just really into the game and was trying to grab the ring. We dive a second time. Same thing. Third and fourth time this dude keeps rubbing on me. Full body rub too, he got better about it as we dove more.

Finally I decide to test it to see if he is just into the game or if he is actually molesting me. So when we count down for the dive I wait and give my cousin a head start then dive again. Dude waited and rubbed on me again. I finally just had enough and got out of the pool and refused to play again. Stopped swimming the whole day and never went back to that place again.

Place was FULL of parents and other adults and lifeguards. Not a single person noticed this guy feeling me up because it was the pool. Because I was young and didn't know better I didn't tell anyone.

I wish I had screamed at that guy and called the cops. Good on you.

Edit: I was in fifth grade"

Fifth grade. That's around age 10. Disgusting.

dkettlecorn added:

"Yup it's weird. When I was on my club team one boy grazed my crotch during backstroke not one or two but THREE TIMES and when I called him out for it the guys just shrugged it off giving some bs excuse. Got fully credit carded once and another time a boy actually somehow stuck his hand in my suit (touched my belly) from the next lane. Like touching someone's feet is an accident, flip turning and head butting someone is an accident, but I've never groped anyone especially by "accident" during a practice."

Three crotch grazes? No. Not an accident.

kendall_black, another swimmer, shared her story:

"OH MY GOD.

THIS SO MUCH.

I" was a competitive swimmer throughout school, and this was always so bad. Well, ok it was worst on my high school swim team, not so much on my year-round team. But anyways, fuck those guys, and fuck that guy. I had this one guy on my high school team who was the worst perpetrator. He would be standing at the wall while everyone else was swimming and when I'd do my flip-turn, he'd always touch me somehow trying to grope me. I finally yelled loud enough for the ENTIRE POOL to hear, 'If you touch me again, or if you are still standing on the wall in the way of everyone swimming, I WILL flip-turn ON TOP OF YOU and kick you as hard as I can.' The next swimmeet, that same guy stuck his hand INSIDE MY SWIMSUIT FROM THE BACK AND CARESSED MY STOMACH. WHILE I WAS TALKING TO MY PARENTS ON THE BALCONY."

What the heck. What did this guy go on to do after high school?

"Keep your hands to yourself" is basic kindergarten etiquette that anyone should be able to follow. We should not have to have awareness campaigns to keep women's bodies from being fondled without their permission. Yes, men's bodies too. It's not that hard to not be a creep, regardless of your sex or gender.

Hands. To. Yourself. Everyone.

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Popular

There's no way to defend disqualifying a champion high school swimmer over a wedgie

I mean, come on.

Photo by Marcus Ng on Unsplash

I almost couldn't believe this story when I read it this morning. Almost. But when it comes to women's bodies and puritanical pearl-clutching, there's not much that surprises me anymore.

Here's a very brief synopsis of the story as reported in the Washington Post:

A high school swimming champion in Alaska exited the pool after beating her competitors, but instead of being awarded her hard-earned first prize, she was disqualified. Why? Because her swimsuit was riding too far up her butt.

Yes, seriously.

A referee at the swim meet saw more cheek than she could handle, apparently. Nevermind that the girl being disqualified for her swimwear was wearing the same school-issued suit as her teammates. Nevermind that women's bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that some of our derrieres try to devour our clothing every time we move. Nevermind the fact that Speedos contour to every curve of a dude's penis and testicles and no one ever complains.

RELATED: A man told women they shouldn't wear yoga pants. So they threw a yoga pants parade.

As a wide-hipped woman, I take this personally. It took me years—years—to find a brand of underwear that didn't ride up my rear every time I walked. I'm super frugal by nature, but I buy ridiculously expensive panties with thin rubber lines on the cheeks because they're the only ones I've ever found that don't give me a wedgie. (Sorry, TMI but true.)

If I were to swim the length of a swimming pool in any swimsuit that wasn't shorts, you'd be seeing some serious cheek action when I got out. Might as well be wearing a thong. Can't keep my bum covered unless I'm standing perfectly still. That's what wide hips and a big butt do to a girl. C'est la vie.

To disqualify a swimmer because her swimsuit rode up and she didn't immediately fix it upon exiting the water? That's ridiculous. There's just so much wrong with it:

1) Let's just stop sexualizing young female athletes, shall we? Can we all agree to try that for a while?

2) The first thought a swimmer who has just kicked butt in competition should have after exiting the water is, "Yes, I kicked butt!" not "What does my butt look like right now?"

3) If the school issued the suit, and the suit was found to meet the requirements for competition beforehand, the way the suit behaves on a woman's body while she's doing her sport should not disqualify her. Why does this need to be said?

4) Apparently, this swimmer was the only mixed race girl in the competition, and has a "curvier" build than most. Women with African ancestry often have curvier bottoms, and to penalize a woman for that can easily be seen as racism.

5) IT WAS A FLIPPIN' WEDGIE. Wedgies happen. Get over it.

If seeing some cheek really is an issue, why don't they require female swimmers to wear suits that go down onto the thighs like most men wear in the Olympics? Or—and I'm just spitballing here—WHY DON'T WE STOP POLICING WOMEN'S BODIES ALTOGETHER?

RELATED: It's time to stop policing women's clothing and start raising our expectations of men.

The Anchorage School District has issued a statement explaining that the referee's decision is currently being reviewed. According to the statement, the swimmer's coach tried to contest the referee's ruling at the meet and was it was denied.

Honest to goodness, if they don't un-disqualify that girl, someone needs to organize a Freddy Mercury-style fat-bottomed-girls-on-bicycles protest. We don't deserve to be disqualified over wedgies we can't help.

Update: Upon appeal of the referees's ruling, the Alaska School Activities Association has reversed the disqualification and reinstated the swimmer's win in the meet. Good—but still crappy that it happened in the first place.

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