upworthy

sons

Family

Dad shares 3 brilliant principles for fathers on how to teach sons to respond to setbacks

"We can help them see obstacles as opportunities to make things even better."

fullstrengthfather/Instagram

Kristoffer Koerper (@fullstrengthfather) shares how he taught his kids to overcome setbacks.

Life is hard. Every parent knows that hardship will come into their kids' lives in time, which is why raising resilient kids is a crucial part of parenting.

Instagrammer Kristoffer Koerper (@fullstrengthfather), a husband and father of three boys, shared an insightful post on how he is teaching his sons to respond well to setbacks. In the video, he explains how the family's broken trampoline became a lesson in turning something negative into a positive, and how other parents can do the same with their kids.

"Teaching our young boys how to respond to setbacks: 3 principles I'm working to apply," he wrote in the video's caption.

Koerper begins the video by explaining that the family recently broke its trampoline. "Initially my boys were devastated," he shares as the video shows one of his son's crying. "But instead of seeing it as a loss, I told them that this is an opportunity, guys. We can build something really cool if we just take it apart and use all the parts."

Taking their dad's optimistic lead and suggestions to make a fort or hideout, their attitude "immediately changed. Instead of sulking or crying, they got excited." From there, together they got to work and began to dismantle the broken trampoline to transform it into something new (spoiler alert: the boys decided to make a "secret military base.")

Koerper goes on to share, "As fathers we have a choice. We can teach our kids to focus on what they lose or the challenges, or we can help them see obstacles as opportunities to make things even better. And I believe they carry that mindset into life."

In the post's caption, he went into further detail on three specific principles that helped turn the broken trampoline into a positive experience, and how to instill a proactive attitude in kids when it comes to setbacks.

The first principle he shared is titled "Obstacles Are Opportunities." "I try to teach my boys that setbacks aren’t the end but the beginning of something new. Every setback is a setup for something better," he wrote.

The second principle: "My Reaction Shapes Theirs." "My boys mirror my emotional response to challenges. Stay calm, get excited about solutions, and they will too," he shared.

Finally, he shared the third principle to helping his kids respond well to setbacks: "Encourage Creative Problem-Solving." He elaborated, saying, "Instead of fixing things for my boys, I try to guide them in repurposing and rebuilding. It builds resilience."

Koerper's principles were well received by viewers.

"I love how curious the boys are, curiosity breeds brilliance," one viewer wrote.

"Kids need to have these minor setbacks as it makes them anti-fragile for bigger setbacks as they grow up. Setting a great example out here 🫡."

Another viewer wrote, "I love this. Resilience is something that has to be practiced. Not to mention all the fine motor skills and physical aspects of that exercise, you’re raising great young men!"

"Secret military base 😄 Love this. Keep em resilient and full of the ability to problem solve," said another.

From Your Site Articles
resilience
More

I'm teaching my 6- and 7-year-old boys about consent. Here's how it's gone so far.

Photo by saeed karimi on Unsplash

The scenarios of parenting have many hurdles in order to offer a healthy way of approaching life.

The second week of first grade, my 6-year-old son came home and told me, very seriously, "Mama, I have a girlfriend, and I love her."

I didn't laugh at him or tell him he is too young to have a girlfriend, and I didn't minimize his feelings. We had a very serious conversation about his girlfriend: what he likes about her, what they talk about at lunch, and what games they play on the playground at recess. I asked questions about her; some he knew the answers to, and some he didn't.

Nearly every day after that for some time, we talked about his girlfriend, and in every conversation, in some way, we talked about consent — what it means, what it looks like, and how I expect him to act.

I didn't objectify the little girl by referring to her as "your little girlfriend" as I've heard other adults tease their own children. I didn't make jokes about him being a heartbreaker or tell him that the girls will be falling all over him by high school. I didn't tell him his feelings don't matter — and I definitely didn't tell him her feelings don't matter. I think the seeds of misogyny are planted with words as much as behavior, and I treated his emotions seriously because, for him, being in love for the first time is the most serious thing in the world. He will remember this little girl just as I remember my first boyfriend, and how I handle things now is setting the tone for the future.

I wasn't expecting to have these conversations in the context of a relationship quite so soon.

His older brother is more introverted, with the exception of the occasional fleeting crush. But I have been talking about consent and modeling it since my sons were babies.

The idea that young men need to learn about consent in high school or college goes hand-in-hand with the idea that sex education shouldn't be taught before then, either. Consent is an ongoing conversation in our home, framed to suit the situation. But now that my son has a girlfriend, I'm finding ways to introduce the concept of consent within a relationship on a level that he can understand.

From the time my sons were very little — before they could even talk — I started teaching them about body autonomy and consent.

"Do you want me to tickle you?" "Can I pick you up?" "Do you want me to brush your hair?"

I would ask whenever I could, waiting for their response before proceeding. Yes, of course, there are times when a young child needs to be picked up or hair needs to be brushed whether they want it or not, but there are just as many times when children can be given — and deserve — the right to choose. And so I let them decide whenever I can.

Teaching them that no one can touch them without permission was the first step in teaching them about respecting the boundaries of others.

I model the respect I expect them to extend to others. It is an ongoing lesson, as the most important lessons always are.

Of course they fight — what siblings don't? But I teach them that, whatever the game or activity, if someone says "Stop!" or "No!" they are to stop what they are doing.

To that end, I try to stay out of their squabbles and give them time to sort them out. If they don't stop, there are consequences. We talk about how it feels to have someone keep chasing, tickling, or bothering you when you've told them to stop. I watch their empathy for others grow as they consider how it feels to be little and have grownups want to touch their faces or hug them without permission. They're learning, and it gives me hope.

But now I'm having daily conversations with my youngest son about girlfriends and what is — and isn't — OK.

He knows he has to ask if she wants a hug before he touches her. He knows that it's rude to refer to her as "my girlfriend" when talking about her and that it's better, and more respectful, to use her name.

He knows that if he gives her a gift, he should give her a chance to respond instead of inundating her with more gifts. "Let's wait and see how she feels about this lovely picture you made her before you draw another one," I tell him, explaining how overwhelming it can be to have someone give you gifts when you're not ready for them or haven't had a chance to return the affection. Of course, I'm thinking about the boy I knew my junior year of high school who would constantly leave me trinkets of his affection at my locker — affection that wasn't reciprocated and made me uncomfortable, especially after I asked him to stop.

I don't know if I'm doing this right, honestly.

There are times when I think to myself, "But he's only 6! Why are we even having this conversation?" And then I remind myself, "If not now, when?"

I know what it means to be a girl in this world, and my sons are starting to hear my #MeToo stories, the ones they're old enough to understand. How do I talk about what's wrong in the world if I'm not willing to talk about the right behaviors, the right way to treat women?

I know my sons have a good role model in their father and in our marriage. I know they watch how my husband interacts with me, and I see it reflected in how they treat me. It's a start, but I know it's not enough in a world that sends mixed messages to boys about girls and how to treat them.

It's been eye-opening, seeing how my children regard consent.

I've seen how those early lessons in teaching them about their own right to say no have gone a long way in teaching them the empathy and respect they show for others now.

I know we're not done; we're only just starting. I know it's only going to get more complicated as they get older.

But at the end of the day, no matter their age, the core lesson is the same: respect people, care about how they are feeling in your interactions with them, and remember that others have a right to feel differently than you do and to set boundaries for what is OK with them. The situations will change, but those words will be repeated again and again.

Teaching consent is not a one-time discussion. It's something I want my sons to think about every single day.

This story originally appeared on Ravishly and is reprinted here with permission. More from Ravishly:

    From Your Site Articles
    More

    This video of David Beckham losing it after seeing his kid is peak dad-son goals.

    David Beckham, renowned football* player, husband of the artist formerly known as Posh Spice, just celebrated his 43rd birthday.

    First of all, congratulations, David Beckham! Hooray!

    But now that's out of the way, let's get real: I bet you're wondering what's so special about a celebrity's birthday? And I get it. I mean, they have them all the time.

    But this birthday actually was super special. That's because, as Bored Panda points out, Beckham's family figured out the one thing to give him that's even better than both birthday cake (very good) and tangible goods proffered unto a presumably wealth guy for simply surviving one more year: the gift of being together with the ones we love.

    Beckham, just like a lot of us, doesn't get to spend nearly enough time with all his loved ones.

    And big reason for that, beyond what must be a hectic schedule of footballing and modeling, Beckham's son Brooklyn has been away in New York studying photography at university this year. So although the rest of the Beckhams (there are four children in all) spent David's birthday in London, Brooklyn was probably only going to be able to be present via a nice phone call or Skype session.

    Instead, though, Becks' oldest son wandered in mid-meal to give his dad the biggest hug ever and oh my god, who is chopping onions up in here?! The moment, of course, was caught on video. And it's the sweetest thing you'll see all day.

    Listen, there are many reasons why this particular celeb birthday moment was awesome. But since both of us have to get back to work in a second — your boss isn't going to like it that you couldn't finish putting the cover sheet on you TPS report because you were busy welling up at an Instagram video— I'm going to choose just two, and then we'll get on with our day.

    1. Family really can be so wonderful!

    Yes, your family members can be annoying and infuriating, and no one can make you go from 0 to 60 on the rage-o-meter like your mom or dad, but when they're there for you, they're really there for you. And that's especially evident here.

    According to my own sleuthing work (I checked to see who filmed the video — you're welcome), Victoria Beckham and Brooklyn planned this together and kept it a secret. It's especially adorable to hear Harper, 6, exclaim "I didn't know Brooklyn was coming" in delighted wonder!

    2. It's awesome to see how open with their emotions the Beckham men are.

    We live in a world where men are often told that it's not OK to have feelings. The Beckhams, however, must be raising their children to fight these ideas.

    Not only is David clearly delighted to see his son, but he has no compunctions about crying it out in public and then posting it for the world to see. You see how long that hug was? Brooks (can I call you Brooks?) and Becks are so happy to see each other, it's like the rest of the world melts away. You can't put a price tag on that!

    (I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life, but maybe call your dad or your brother or mom or just someone you love today today. I bet they'll be just as excited to hear from you!)



    *That's what they call soccer across the pond!

    This father-son hockey hug is going viral, and it's a great example of male affection.

    Hockey player Bobby Butler never thought he'd have a shot at making the U.S. Olympic team.

    Typically, those coveted spots are reserved for America's top NHL stars. But a surprising announcement from the league — this year, they've decided not to allow rostered players to compete in the Olympics — has opened the door to lesser-known players like Butler.

    Butler during his time in the NHL with the Nashville Predators. Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    The 30-year-old Butler was, at one point, a journeyman NHL player, bouncing from team to team due to cuts and trades. Today, he plays for Milwaukee Admirals of the AHL (American Hockey League — sort of like the NHL's minor leagues). Butler represented America in the 2013 World Championship, where the U.S. team took bronze, but the Olympic team would be, without a doubt, the biggest stage of his career.

    While the lack of NHL star-power meant more opportunity for greener players, competition was fierce: Team officials searched high and low for talent to join the squad — the college ranks, Americans in foreign hockey leagues, and players from the AHL — before putting their recruits through an intense trial period.

    Butler made the cut. And while he was overjoyed, there was one person in his life he hoped would understand his intense flurry of emotions: his dad.

    Team cameras were filming practice when Butler's dad stopped by, and the newest member of the U.S. men's hockey team got to give his old man some good news.

    Butler's dad swelled with pride and wrapped his son in a bear hug as teammates cheer. The heartwarming video gives major feels:

    Dads have a reputation for often being stingy with displays of physical affection. But that might all be changing.

    That's not to say that fathers don't love their kids! They do. But it's been suggested that, generally, men prefer to show affection (particularly to other men and their sons) by bonding over shared activities or doing something nice. Hugs, kisses, and "I love you's" can be few and far between.

    That kind of bonding has its place, but studies show that kids really benefit from a lot of warmth and physical affection from their parents. The good news is that some research suggests many men today might just be up to the task, and are driven to provide "better quality of fathering than they had experienced."

    In any case, the viral response to Butler's embrace with his father shows that maybe we are ready for a world where a father can kiss his son, hold him when he's sad, and embrace him in moments of joy.

    Even in the rough-and-tumble world of professional hockey.

    Trending Stories