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Father shares the struggle to connect with his second son and how he successfully engaged with him

"It's been brutal. He's so great."

Image via Canva/simonapilollatnf

A father opens up about his struggle to connect with his son, and what he did to feel more connected.

The father-son bond is a beautiful thing. While many dads may think this relationship simply comes naturally, many fathers struggle with the connection.

Dad and parenting blogger Pat Barber (@thefathersguild) shared a vulnerable post with his followers about his struggle to connect with one of his sons.

In a video shared on Instagram, Barber told viewers, "I'm struggling to connect with my second son right now. It's been brutal. He's so great. But he does so many things that are so hard to overlook in terms of his long-term well being," he says. "How he interacts with people. How he looks people in the eye."

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Exasperated, he continue,: "Whether or not he listens. And so I have to try something new because right now there's an overwhelming amount of negative conversation that we have relative to the positive. And I don't like how this feels."

Barber shares that he needs a new approach. "So today I'm going to try something different, and I'm just gonna tell him that he has to get in the truck," he says. "We're gonna go to Home Depot. We're gonna get him a tool belt, we're gonna get him a hammer., we're gonna get him a little tape measure. And he's going to join me building around the house today, whether he likes it or not. And I'm gonna see if that helps us connect. Helps us feel like we're closer and talk to him throughout the day."

He admits that he "doesn't know if this will work," but that he's sticking to it. In another clip, Barber shares an update on how the day went with his son.

@thefathersguild

If you can do stuff you tend to feel better then if you can’t do stuff 🤷‍♂️ • Depending on the thing, getting kids to do things can be a slow process. In my opinion the process works best if you model it, then when they ask to join say yes even if it makes more work, then start to ask them to help often but still hold their hand a bit, then pass the torch when they are ready. It’s a multi year process but worth it for your sake and theirs ❤️💀 • Confidence takes time—for you and for them. 👉 Subscribe for real talk on growth, parenting, and raising capable kids. 💀❤️ 🔔 https://thefathersguild.com/ • #parenting #fatherhood #confidence #raisingcapablekids #teachthemyoung #lifeskillsforkids #fatherhoodjourney #presentparenting #dadswhogiveadamn #modernfatherhood #growthtakesgrit #dadswhoteach #letthembekids #confidencebuilding #kidswhocan #parentingtips #fathersguild #intentionaldad

"It's the day after that and that didn't kind of work—it worked really, really well," he says. "I got him all the stuff. We headed back home. We started working. We listened to music. We talked a bunch. We just connected."

He explains that instead of just telling his son he enjoyed their time together, he went a step further. "And then afterwards instead of saying, 'Hey, I enjoyed spending time with you' (which I did say that), I wrote him a note and just said, 'Hey, I really enjoyed working with you today. I love working with you. I love spending time with you', and I gave him that note," he says.

The intentional time spent with his son turned their relationship around, and Barber encouraged other dads to do the same. "I recommend that. If you're losing some connection, clear your slate when it comes to how you're currently feeling with the kid and just do it," he says. "Just be there and have it be as present as possible and have him help you as much as possible and give him some grace there. But kinda force it. I'm gonna do more of it."

Viewers were touched by the honest and relatable post. "Perfection. This is most excellent. Talking with your son, not at him. Outstanding," one commented. Another added, "Hearing a man say the words “I am struggling to connect” for everyone to hear on the internet is so deeply healing." This viewer wrote, "I was a difficult second son, and this is exactly what I wanted (but never got): quality time with my father just being alongside me. Great work, I love your intentionality 👍🏼"

@thefathersguild

Doing is great don’t get me wrong. However if you want to take this experience to the next level remove distractions sit back and watch as much as you can. It’s amazing. I promise❤️🤘🏻 • Love these moments? FOLLOW for more honest dad reflections, purposeful parenting, and everyday joy. 💀❤️🤘🏻 • #fatherhood #joy #parenting #grattitude #joyfulparenting #mindfulfatherhood #presentparenting #gratitude #fatherhoodjourney #dadlife #findingjoy #parentingtips #familymoments #intentionalparenting #thefathersguild #realparenting #watchandlearn #slowparenting

How to connect with your son

If you struggle to connect with your son, you're not alone. "Dads may struggle to connect with their boys because of unspoken 'rules' they learned during their life: Men/boys don't talk about emotions, men don't show vulnerability, men must uphold the image of a 'strong' man," Angela Gonnella, Psy.D, psychologist and owner at Gonnella Psychological Services, LLC, tells Upworthy. "All these unspoken rules can keep a father distant from his children, especially his boys."

Looking for more ways to build your father-son bond? She recommends these three ways to build a stronger connection:

1. Kids pick the activity

"Spend time passing your son the baton of choosing what to do. Building forts? Listening to music? Building creations with magna-tiles? Let him lead the way," says Gonnella. "You'll show him through your actions that you care about what is fun for him, so wordless connecting! You may also be surprised at how much your kiddo may feel comfortable speaking their minds when their hands are busy!"

2. Model emotional language to build connection

"Don't be afraid to express your own experiences (age appropriate, of course) with your son to start conversations. It can not only be a model, but paves the way for them to share what's on their minds," she says. "Ex: 'I had such a busy day at work. I had so much to get done in so little time, it was really frustrating. What was your day like?'

3. Listen. Like, REALLY listen

"What do you know already about your son? What are the small things he says? Take the time to really listen to what he's sharing, no matter how small," Gonnella recommends. "Let him know you're glad he's sharing with you, and that you're there to always listen. This helps kids feel like their parent understands them and cares about what they say."

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People are debating what 'appropriate' fatherly love looks like, and frankly, it's just sad

John Cardillo/Twitter

A photo of Joe Biden hugging and kissing his only living son, Hunter, is circulating after Newsmax TV host John Cardillo shared it on Twitter with the caption, "Does this look like an appropriate father/son interaction to you?"

The question is clearly meant to be a dig at Biden, whose well-documented life in politics includes many examples of both his deep love for his family and his physical expressions of affection. While his opponents have cherry-picked photos to try to paint him as "creepy," those who know him well—and who are in some of those viral images—defend Biden's expressions of affection as those of a close friend and grandfatherly figure. (And in fact, at least one photo of Biden holding and kissing a child's face was of him and his grandson at his son Beau's funeral, taken as a still shot from this video.)

Everyone has their own level of comfort with physical space and everyone's line of what's appropriate when it comes to physical affection are different, but some accusations of inappropriateness are just...sad. And this photo with this caption is one of those cases.

What people see when they look at this photo says a lot more about them than it does about the father and son in it. And the reactions on Twitter made that point crystal clear.

A therapist weighed in, saying "if anyone looks at this photo and sees anything other than father + son love, I'd recommend therapy until the person knows [the difference between] healthy + unhealthy touching."

Some people pointed out that this kind of affection from a father to a son is something the world needs more of, not less.

Others just matter-of-factly said, "Umm, yes." Like, what is he seeing that he things isn't appropriate?

Not that it wouldn't be appropriate if this weren't the case, but knowing the tragedy this father and son have been through adds greater context to this photo. Biden lost his wife and Hunter lost his mother in a car accident when Hunter was little. And Biden lost a son and Hunter lost his only brother in 2015 when Beau Biden died of brain cancer.

This is a father-son affection that includes a bond that only those who have shared severe loss can know.

Many people shared how the photo made them miss their own fathers and wish they could have one more hug or kiss from their dad.




In addition to pointing out the hypocrisy of Trump supporters trying to paint Biden as inappropriate when there is no shortage of photos of Trump in eyebrow-raising photos with his kids—including one with Ivanka and Eric as kids standing next to Jeffrey Epstein—some people shared how a lack of fatherly affection might explain how people see Trump.

Several people suggested that Cardillo sees the photo the way he does because he himself has daddy issues.

And in one response, Cardillo almost appeared to confirm it, only denying a small, unrelated part of a tweet suggesting he'd been mistreated by his own father.

The fact that anyone would look a photo of a loving father embracing his son and kissing him on his cheek and think "Ew," is truly sad.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where men showing affection is viewed negatively by some people, whether due to toxic ideas of masculinity or homophobia or both. We also live in an era of poisonous partisanship that pushes people to view those on the other side of the political spectrum as evil. Combine that with the QAnon conspiracy theorists obsession with pedophilia, and we've ended up with one of the nicest and most decent men in politics being smeared with posts like this.

Clearly, some people need more parental love in their lives.

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I'm teaching my 6- and 7-year-old boys about consent. Here's how it's gone so far.

Photo by saeed karimi on Unsplash

The scenarios of parenting have many hurdles in order to offer a healthy way of approaching life.

The second week of first grade, my 6-year-old son came home and told me, very seriously, "Mama, I have a girlfriend, and I love her."

I didn't laugh at him or tell him he is too young to have a girlfriend, and I didn't minimize his feelings. We had a very serious conversation about his girlfriend: what he likes about her, what they talk about at lunch, and what games they play on the playground at recess. I asked questions about her; some he knew the answers to, and some he didn't.

Nearly every day after that for some time, we talked about his girlfriend, and in every conversation, in some way, we talked about consent — what it means, what it looks like, and how I expect him to act.

I didn't objectify the little girl by referring to her as "your little girlfriend" as I've heard other adults tease their own children. I didn't make jokes about him being a heartbreaker or tell him that the girls will be falling all over him by high school. I didn't tell him his feelings don't matter — and I definitely didn't tell him her feelings don't matter. I think the seeds of misogyny are planted with words as much as behavior, and I treated his emotions seriously because, for him, being in love for the first time is the most serious thing in the world. He will remember this little girl just as I remember my first boyfriend, and how I handle things now is setting the tone for the future.

I wasn't expecting to have these conversations in the context of a relationship quite so soon.

His older brother is more introverted, with the exception of the occasional fleeting crush. But I have been talking about consent and modeling it since my sons were babies.

The idea that young men need to learn about consent in high school or college goes hand-in-hand with the idea that sex education shouldn't be taught before then, either. Consent is an ongoing conversation in our home, framed to suit the situation. But now that my son has a girlfriend, I'm finding ways to introduce the concept of consent within a relationship on a level that he can understand.

From the time my sons were very little — before they could even talk — I started teaching them about body autonomy and consent.

"Do you want me to tickle you?" "Can I pick you up?" "Do you want me to brush your hair?"

I would ask whenever I could, waiting for their response before proceeding. Yes, of course, there are times when a young child needs to be picked up or hair needs to be brushed whether they want it or not, but there are just as many times when children can be given — and deserve — the right to choose. And so I let them decide whenever I can.

Teaching them that no one can touch them without permission was the first step in teaching them about respecting the boundaries of others.

I model the respect I expect them to extend to others. It is an ongoing lesson, as the most important lessons always are.

Of course they fight — what siblings don't? But I teach them that, whatever the game or activity, if someone says "Stop!" or "No!" they are to stop what they are doing.

To that end, I try to stay out of their squabbles and give them time to sort them out. If they don't stop, there are consequences. We talk about how it feels to have someone keep chasing, tickling, or bothering you when you've told them to stop. I watch their empathy for others grow as they consider how it feels to be little and have grownups want to touch their faces or hug them without permission. They're learning, and it gives me hope.

But now I'm having daily conversations with my youngest son about girlfriends and what is — and isn't — OK.

He knows he has to ask if she wants a hug before he touches her. He knows that it's rude to refer to her as "my girlfriend" when talking about her and that it's better, and more respectful, to use her name.

He knows that if he gives her a gift, he should give her a chance to respond instead of inundating her with more gifts. "Let's wait and see how she feels about this lovely picture you made her before you draw another one," I tell him, explaining how overwhelming it can be to have someone give you gifts when you're not ready for them or haven't had a chance to return the affection. Of course, I'm thinking about the boy I knew my junior year of high school who would constantly leave me trinkets of his affection at my locker — affection that wasn't reciprocated and made me uncomfortable, especially after I asked him to stop.

I don't know if I'm doing this right, honestly.

There are times when I think to myself, "But he's only 6! Why are we even having this conversation?" And then I remind myself, "If not now, when?"

I know what it means to be a girl in this world, and my sons are starting to hear my #MeToo stories, the ones they're old enough to understand. How do I talk about what's wrong in the world if I'm not willing to talk about the right behaviors, the right way to treat women?

I know my sons have a good role model in their father and in our marriage. I know they watch how my husband interacts with me, and I see it reflected in how they treat me. It's a start, but I know it's not enough in a world that sends mixed messages to boys about girls and how to treat them.

It's been eye-opening, seeing how my children regard consent.

I've seen how those early lessons in teaching them about their own right to say no have gone a long way in teaching them the empathy and respect they show for others now.

I know we're not done; we're only just starting. I know it's only going to get more complicated as they get older.

But at the end of the day, no matter their age, the core lesson is the same: respect people, care about how they are feeling in your interactions with them, and remember that others have a right to feel differently than you do and to set boundaries for what is OK with them. The situations will change, but those words will be repeated again and again.

Teaching consent is not a one-time discussion. It's something I want my sons to think about every single day.

This story originally appeared on Ravishly and is reprinted here with permission. More from Ravishly:

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    This video of David Beckham losing it after seeing his kid is peak dad-son goals.

    David Beckham, renowned football* player, husband of the artist formerly known as Posh Spice, just celebrated his 43rd birthday.

    First of all, congratulations, David Beckham! Hooray!

    But now that's out of the way, let's get real: I bet you're wondering what's so special about a celebrity's birthday? And I get it. I mean, they have them all the time.

    But this birthday actually was super special. That's because, as Bored Panda points out, Beckham's family figured out the one thing to give him that's even better than both birthday cake (very good) and tangible goods proffered unto a presumably wealth guy for simply surviving one more year: the gift of being together with the ones we love.

    Beckham, just like a lot of us, doesn't get to spend nearly enough time with all his loved ones.

    And big reason for that, beyond what must be a hectic schedule of footballing and modeling, Beckham's son Brooklyn has been away in New York studying photography at university this year. So although the rest of the Beckhams (there are four children in all) spent David's birthday in London, Brooklyn was probably only going to be able to be present via a nice phone call or Skype session.

    Instead, though, Becks' oldest son wandered in mid-meal to give his dad the biggest hug ever and oh my god, who is chopping onions up in here?! The moment, of course, was caught on video. And it's the sweetest thing you'll see all day.

    Listen, there are many reasons why this particular celeb birthday moment was awesome. But since both of us have to get back to work in a second — your boss isn't going to like it that you couldn't finish putting the cover sheet on you TPS report because you were busy welling up at an Instagram video— I'm going to choose just two, and then we'll get on with our day.

    1. Family really can be so wonderful!

    Yes, your family members can be annoying and infuriating, and no one can make you go from 0 to 60 on the rage-o-meter like your mom or dad, but when they're there for you, they're really there for you. And that's especially evident here.

    According to my own sleuthing work (I checked to see who filmed the video — you're welcome), Victoria Beckham and Brooklyn planned this together and kept it a secret. It's especially adorable to hear Harper, 6, exclaim "I didn't know Brooklyn was coming" in delighted wonder!

    2. It's awesome to see how open with their emotions the Beckham men are.

    We live in a world where men are often told that it's not OK to have feelings. The Beckhams, however, must be raising their children to fight these ideas.

    Not only is David clearly delighted to see his son, but he has no compunctions about crying it out in public and then posting it for the world to see. You see how long that hug was? Brooks (can I call you Brooks?) and Becks are so happy to see each other, it's like the rest of the world melts away. You can't put a price tag on that!

    (I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life, but maybe call your dad or your brother or mom or just someone you love today today. I bet they'll be just as excited to hear from you!)



    *That's what they call soccer across the pond!

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