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Stanford expert shares the number one phrase that people who are good at small talk always use

This will make your next party a lot easier.

via Stable Flow/Unsplash

Some friends enjoying a polite conversation at a party.

Many people don’t like small talk because it forces them to have conversations about trivial topics such as the weather, what they saw on TV the night before, or their weekend plans. Other people don’t like it because it causes them anxiety to talk with someone they may not know well.

Either way, research shows that small talk actually is a big deal. Julia Korn at Forbes says that small talk enables us to find common ground and shared interests, build muscles to overcome social discomfort, and lays the groundwork for transitioning into more serious, deeper topics.

It also makes us feel good. Studies show that a quick exchange with a barista while getting coffee can result in feelings of belonging and increased happiness.

So, how can we get more out of small talk and make it more comfortable? Stanford lecturer, podcast host, and communication expert Matt Abrahams told CNBC that one small phrase does both, “Tell me more.” He learned the phrase's value by listening to his mother, who had “impressive interpersonal skills.”

“Her favorite phrase was ‘Tell me more,’ and it happens to be one that people who are good at small talk always use,” Abrahams wrote.

The Stanford expert says that the simple phrase works because it is a “support response” that encourages what the speaker is saying instead of being a “shift response” that brings the conversation back to you.

Suppose you’re talking to someone at a party who’s complaining about a lousy dinner they had at a local steakhouse. “The steak was overcooked, and the service was terrible,” they tell you. A proper support response could be, “Tell me more about the service” or “What else didn’t you like about the dinner?"

“Comments like these give your partner permission to expand on what they said or provide deeper insight,” Abrahams wrote.

On the other hand, a shift response that brings the conversation back to you would be something like, “I once had a bad dinner at a steakhouse…” and then you told that story. People who overuse the shift response are often seen as self-centered or the type of folks who have to make everything about themselves.

That’s a rather annoying personality trait that doesn’t make people a lot of friends or an enjoyable person to work with in the office.

Support responses such as “Tell me more” or “What happened next” are a great way to guarantee that you follow another proven conversation strategy, the 43:57 rule. A marketing whiz over at Gong.io took a deep dive into 25,537 sales calls with the help of AI and discovered a cool tidbit: sales went through the roof when the salesperson chatted 43% of the time and lent an ear for 57%. They've dubbed it the "43:57 rule."

Now, while this gem of wisdom came from business calls, think about our daily chats with friends. It's all about tuning in and showing you care about what the other person has to say. Everyone loves to feel heard and valued.

In the end, the trick to being a great conversationalist isn’t all about being witty, charming, or informed but simply knowing how to listen.

This article originally appeared on 10.5.23

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Education

Why awkwardness is such a real thing for people everywhere and one big key to overcoming it

This is super helpful info for people who struggle with social anxiety.

Pragyan Bezbaruah/Canva

In our brains, awkwardness can feel as painful as being bullied.

Some people fear heights or small spaces, some fear spiders or snakes, and some fear illness or death. When taken to an extreme, such fears can form of an anxiety disorder, but they are understandable fears to have because any one of those things could theoretically spell our demise.

But what about fearing something that isn't physically dangerous at all, but rather psychologically uncomfortable, like…awkwardness?

For people with social anxiety, the fear of awkwardness is as real as the fear of death. "I'd rather cross a glass bridge over a 1,000-foot canyon than introduce myself to someone new" is a totally normal thought for a socially anxious person. The silences and pauses that mark most social interactions are magnified to painful degrees and the feelings of self-consciousness most of us experience in those moments are felt in extremes in the mind of a socially anxious person.

No one likes feeling awkward, of course, but why is it even a thing in the first place? What makes some interactions feel so uncomfortable to our brains? And more importantly, how do we overcome the fear of awkwardness, especially those who find themselves completely paralyzed by it?

The YouTube channel VSauce shared some of the science behind awkwardness, what's happening chemically and emotionally when we feel awkward and some of the perspective shifts that can help keep us from fixating on awkward feelings.

First, the video explains that awkwardness is actually a social good because our feelings of self-consciousness prompt us to avoid certain actions in ways that actual laws and formal etiquette don't.

"People who demonstrate self-consciousness when needed are communicating cooperative intentions, which helps them get along well with others," host Michael explains. "It's no coincidence that brains,susceptible to feeling occasional awkwardness, would become so common.They're successful at cooperating,at social life. Feeling awkward shows that you understand and are keen on smooth social exchanges.Now, too much or too little concern for social rules isn't healthy, but researchers found that just the right amount is great. When a person shows remorse or embarrassment or awkward discomfort, when appropriate,others perceive them as being more trustworthy, and their actions as more forgivable."

In other words, having the capacity to feel awkward actually makes us more likeable. So why does it feel so awful?

Our brains actually respond to awkwardness similarly to how they react to pain or name-calling, flowing along the same neural pathways, resulting in similar physical sensations and triggering our fight-or-flight response. (Thanks, evolution!)

But there are ways to tamp down our overreaction to awkward moments, which can be especially helpful for people who struggle with social anxiety. One reason awkwardness sticks with us so much is that we worry too much about what people are thinking about us, and social anxiety magnifies that worry. The more we realize that people aren't thinking about us nearly as much as we think they are, the more we can let awkward moments go.

In fact, there's a word for the realization that we are just extras in other people's stories, and not the main character—sonder. We are only the protagonist in our own lives. Other people are focused on their own lives.

"Acknowledging this makes your awkwardness look small," Michael says, adding, "But it also makes all of you look small. Tiny. A needle in a giant haystack." That's both a positive and a negative, but that perspective can help us in those moments when we're feeling the pain of awkwardness.

Watch:

You can follow VSauce for more insights on the human experience on YouTube here.

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psychology

Health

Feel free to turn down invitations, it hurts your friends a lot less than you think

New research is great news for people-pleasers.

via Tima Miroshnichenko/Pexels

New study shows it's ok to say no to an invite if you don't want to go.

There are many reasons why people feel uncomfortable turning down invites to social events. We crave connection, fear missing out on a good time and assume we’re hurting other people’s feelings by saying no. But sometimes, turning someone down is unavoidable, and saying yes to everything can lead to burnout.

There’s also the problem of attending things just because you feel obligated. Then, you wind up having a bad night when you could have stayed home and watched TV or read a book.

A recent study found that 77% of people confessed to accepting an invitation to an event they didn’t want to attend because they were nervous that they’d upset the person who invited them. The good news is that the same study found that people are a lot less bothered when we say no to them than we assume.

So now you can feel less guilty about avoiding social events you don’t want to attend whether it's a family function, work happy hour a birthday party for some kid that your child hardly knows.

A recent study published by the American Psychological Association experimented on over 2,00 participants to find out how people feel after being rejected.

Researchers discovered that when participants imagined refusing a friend's invitation, they often thought it would immediately harm their relationship. They believed their friend might feel upset, disappointed and hesitant to invite them again. Those who envisioned rejecting the invitation were more inclined to think their friend would dwell on the refusal rather than understanding the decision-making process behind it.

However, researchers found that wasn’t the case.

“Across our experiments, we consistently found that invitees overestimate the negative ramifications that arise in the eyes of inviters following an invitation decline,” Julian Givi, PhD, an assistant professor at West Virginia University, told the American Psychological Association. “People tend to exaggerate the degree to which the person who issued the invitation will focus on the act of the invitee declining the invitation as opposed to the thoughts that passed through their head before they declined.”

The researchers performed a similar study with couples and, once again, found that those who turned down the invite thought their partner would be more upset than they actually were.

“While there have been times when I have felt a little upset with someone who declined an invitation, our research gives us quite a bit of good reason to predict people overestimate the negative ramifications for our relationships,” Givi said.

Givi also says people should feel okay about declining invitations when busy, to avoid psychological burnout.

“Burnout is a real thing, especially around the holidays when we are often invited to too many events,” he said. “Don't be afraid to turn down invitations here and there. But, keep in mind that spending time with others is how relationships develop, so don't decline every invitation.”

This study should be good news to all the people-pleasers out there who often go to social engagements because they don’t they don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. It’s also great news for those who feel a tremendous sense of guilt every time they turn down an invite.

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Health

Autistic woman ordering room service offers rare insight into internal struggles

What the person on the other end of the phone doesn't see is an entire story unto itself.

@PaigeLayle/TikTok

Ordering room service can require herculean effort for some people.

One of the weirdest parts of being human is how none of us really knows what's happening in another person's head or how other people act when they're by themselves. We often wonder if we're the only ones whose brains work a certain way or if other people go through the same mental or emotional obstacle courses we do when performing certain tasks.

When you live with someone who deals with mental/emotional challenges like anxiety or someone who lives life with neurodivergence, you see a bit more of people's behind-the-scenes reality. But even then, there are things we don't fully see because they're happening internally.

One autistic woman, however, has offered an insider look into her internal processing in a video showing her ordering room service at a hotel for the first time.

Paige Layle is a Canadian woman who shares various aspects of her life on social media to raise awareness and advocate acceptance for autism and ADHD. In a TikTok video that's been viewed 4 million times in one day, she explained that she was at a hotel and wanted to order breakfast, then walked viewers through her whole process of anxiously preparing, actually making the phone call and her emotional relief after the fact.

People who don't struggle with the uncertainty of a phone call, even a basic one like ordering room service, may wonder what all the fuss is about. But people on the spectrum and people who struggle with social anxiety or anxiety about making phone calls will likely recognize themselves in this video.

Watch:

@paigelayle
calling for room service for the first time 🙈😅 #actuallyautistic #autism #paigelayle #foryou

The rehearsing what you're going to say as well as what the other person will probably say, the silent freakout upon actually pushing the button, the sudden shift into "totally normal person" mode once the phone call commences, the adrenaline explosion after hanging up, the shaking out of the excess nervous energy, the "that was okay, but awful" sentiment—it's all so familiar to so many people, whether they're dealing with autism, ADHD, anxiety or some combination of them all.

But the person on the other end of the phone would never have guessed this was happening behind the scenes. Paige even handled the unexpected coffee addition with zero issue. Knowing that unexpected things might come up in a conversation is what creates anxiety about phone calls like this, so the fact that she didn't skip a beat when the dialogue diverged from what she'd planned out in her head was genuinely impressive.

Some people might wonder about her "and no one's mad at me or anything" remark, but that's not an unusual concern for people on the autism spectrum as well as people with ADHD and others who might experience rejection sensitive dysphoria.

People in the comments commiserated with Paige while cheering her on.

"I’ve only ordered room service ONCE and this was the EXACT experience. I earned that French toast," shared one commenter.

"You did amazing!!!! I’ve actually never ordered room service because I hate phone calls… too much anxiety!" wrote another.

"The progression from 'anticipatory panic' to 'perfect execution' and finally 'post-mental breakdown' was so real lol i relate," shared another.

"The way you did it perfectly but wrapped that in panic is me everyday," wrote another.

And that's really the crux of it. So many people struggle mightily internally while successfully doing everyday things, with no one on the outside ever knowing the mental and emotional journey it took for them to do those "normal" things. Hopefully, videos like this will help us all give a little more grace and understand why people might be more exhausted or less willing to do things than it seems like they should be. When it's this much work to order a yogurt, imagine how much energy it takes to do other things. This is where a little awareness and empathy can go a long way toward acceptance and understanding.

Follow Paige Layle on TikTok and check out her upcoming book: "But Everyone Feels This Way: How an Autism Diagnosis Saved My Life."

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Education

Correcting these 7 body language mistakes could make you instantly more likeable

Body language isn't always intuitive, and we may be making a negative first impression without meaning to.

Charisma on Command/YouTube

Here are some simple ways to improve your body language in social situations.

You might be the most awesome person in the world—kind, thoughtful, pleasant, funny—and still not make a good first impression on people. The immediate, unconscious judgments our brains make based on body language aren't always accurate, but they happen whether we want them to or not.

First impressions are especially hard for people who struggle with social anxiety or with understanding the nuances of social interactions. When we're nervous, our body language can misrepresent us, making us appear to be more closed off and less approachable than we might be if we were feeling like our true, relaxed selves.

Thankfully, there are some specific ways we can consciously shift our body language to avoid people getting a wrong first impression.

A video from Charisma on Command breaks down seven common mistakes people make with their body language that gives people a negative impression and explains what to do instead. Some of these things are subtle behaviors we might not give a second thought. Others are things we do out of nervousness. With some simple, conscious practice, we can make a difference in how we come across to people we're socializing with.

Watch:

So, to recap:

1. Don't scan the room when talking with someone.

2. Don't let someone interrupt you when you're in a conversation with someone else.

3. Lean against a wall, chair, bar, etc.

4. Keep your hands out of your pockets.

5. Use precise and expansive gestures at the right times.

6. Keep your head up.

7. A brief eyebrow raise lets people know you're glad to see them (but might not be something you want to try to control).

Some people in the comments pointed out that scanning the room is an automatic safety behavior for some and that trying too hard to do some of these things could come across as stiff or disingenuous. Others, however, appreciated the specific advice. Body language is not intuitive for everyone, and pinpointing behaviors to pay attention to can help even the playing field with those who have more social skills and charisma naturally.

Several people on the autism spectrum expressed their gratitude for this kind of clear, direct instruction.

"Man, I so appreciate this channel," shared one commenter. "Being on the Autism Spectrum makes it really difficult to have social interactions and sometimes I don't act "appropriately" but I'm extremely good at mimicking and learning principles. These sorts of videos have made it easier for me to integrate into social situations to the point that people don't realize that I'm on the spectrum ... in fact, people are shocked when they learn that I am. Thanks for making life a little easier for me."

"I agree 100%," shared another. "It's taken me years to simulate neurotypical behaviors, but I'm mostly so good at it now that most folks have no clue. Charisma on Command has helped me hone that to a new level and I am very glad of it."

Body language makes up a lot of our communication, so it's helpful to learn how it works and how we can make adjustments to improve our chances of positive interactions with others. See more of Charisma on Command's videos here.

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Health

Gen Z and Millenials struggle with 'menu anxiety.' Here’s what it is and how to beat it.

Why do some people feel overwhelmed when looking at a harmless menu?

via Elyse Mayers/TikTok and Bruno Cervera/Pexels

What is menu anxiety?

A new form of social anxiety is coming to public consciousness, and it affects younger generations more often than older generations. The problem is called “menu anxiety,” and although it isn’t an official diagnosis, it affects countless people.

A survey of 2,000 adults conducted by OnePoll and commissioned by Avocado Green Mattress found younger generations were far more likely to have anxiety while ordering a meal off a menu—41% of Gen Z and millennials (aged 18–43), compared with only 15% of Gen X and baby boomers (aged 44–77).

There are many different ways in which menu anxiety manifests itself. People may have difficulty deciding what to order, especially in a place with an extensive menu. They also may be overly concerned they may have made the wrong choice.

The social aspect can also be challenging for some people because they may feel they’re being judged for their order by others at the table or that they are under undue pressure to make their choice in a timely manner.

Add to that, some people may be concerned about the environmental impact of their order and how long it will take to cook.

— (@)

“I would imagine that people who are already experiencing anxiety would be more prone to experiencing menu anxiety,” licensed mental health counselor Natasha D’Arcangelo tells Lifehacker. “People who struggle with performance anxiety or perfectionism might also be more prone to experiencing it. It could also be a sign that your general stress levels are increased if what used to feel like a simple decision is now paralyzing you with anxiety or fear.”

Popular TikTok creator and comedian Elyse Myers, who’s been open about her struggles with mental health issues like ADHD, anxiety and depression, explained how she manages her menu anxiety.

To help herself feel comfortable in a restaurant, Myers pours over the menu hours before the meal and practices the name of what she wants to order.

@elysemyers
I’m a blast 🚀 #coffeetalk #theadhdway #menuanxiety

Myers' approach to overcoming her menu anxiety closely mirrors advice provided by mental health professionals. An article co-authored by Natalia S. David, PsyD, recommends that people look over the menu ahead of time and write it down on paper so they don’t forget.

She also suggests that people plan a backup order in case the menu item isn’t available at the restaurant. This could prevent some unnecessary anxiety that could confound an already stressful situation.

Dr. David adds that when you practice the order, do so calmly.

“Practice feeling relaxed while you order,” Dr. David writes. “If you force your brain to think positively while you practice, it will be may be easier to do so during the real thing. If you feel yourself getting anxious as you practice, try some deep breathing.”

The study shows that even though menu anxiety is a seldom-discussed topic, it is an issue many people have. When popular social media personalities such as Myers talk about these issues publicly, they help to de-stigmatize them so people feel more comfortable discussing the issue openly. When people feel more comfortable being open about their challenges at the dinner table, then they are probably more likely to have an enjoyable meal.

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Well Being

America's dirty little secret: A lot of us don't want to go back to normal.

via Holderness Family Vlogs

Let's begin by saying there's no one on the planet who wants COVID-19 to continue ravaging the world. The past year has been one of unspeakable tragedy and it will be years before we realize what effects it had on humanity's collective physical and mental health.

But as we begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, some people aren't so sure they want to return to life as it was before the pandemic. They may keep it to themselves, but the sentiment is definitely out there.

Many started working from home and now love the freedom that comes with having a five-second commute and loathe the idea of returning to a life where they have to waste an hour on "looking good" every morning.

I will not miss the #pandemic though the damn virus will be with us for a long time. I will miss the time with my… https://t.co/0rbflQ4TSh
— YA25420 (@YA25420) 1615784497.0

For some, the idea of returning back to their old social habits seems uncomfortable. First, no matter how effective the vaccine is, it's going to be incredibly disconcerting to be around maskless people in close quarters, like in a bar or at a concert. We've all developed natural knee-jerk reactions to people being too close and it'll be really tough to unlearn what's been ingrained for a year.

The vast majority of us went from having a healthy relationship with the world around us to living in a constant state of social distancing vigilance over the course of a week. That's going to be hard to undo.

Many people are secretly relieved they've had the perfect excuse to avoid daily social interactions over the past year. They were able to avoid the relatives that get on their nerves or didn't have to hang out with their significant other's friends they never really liked in the first place.

How I Really Feel About "Going Back to Normal"www.youtube.com

For others, the lockdown was an eye-opening experience, because they realized they were happier not dealing with some of the toxic people in their lives. Going back to normal social life means having to either re-engage with people who might trigger us or suffer the discomfort that comes with ending the relationship.

Reentering the social world also means having to confront temptations that we were able to avoid for an entire year, whether it's drugs, sex, smoking, gambling, or ordering an extra dessert while eating out.

"As horrible and tragic as this past year has been, I do believe it was a much-needed reset for so many people," Kelsey Darragh, a filmmaker who suffers from anxiety and wrote a book about mental health during the pandemic called "Don't F---ing Panic," told Today. "We got to just be gentle with ourselves."

A lot of people are feeling anxious about things returning to "normal" because they now realize they weren't happy before the pandemic.

Feeling relief at having gotten my first dose of the vaccine but anxiety at people already acting like we're expect… https://t.co/QJ6pp5W8E7
— Natalia Sylvester: RUNNING is out now!! (@Natalia Sylvester: RUNNING is out now!!) 1615392848.0

Whether you are hesitant for things to go back to normal or ready to rip your front door off its hinges, we should all take these (hopefully!) final few months of COVID-19 to recognize that we've all been through a severely traumatizing time. Now's a great time to take some personal inventory, consider where we were before the pandemic, and where we're headed.

What have you learned the past year that can help make your post-pandemic life even better than it was before?

"It becomes a very anxiety-producing moment in the life of a survivor when they return to normal," Deborah Serani, a psychologist, and professor at Adelphi University told Today. "Except now, with the pandemic, we're all doing that."

"We are emerging from this together, globally," Serani said. "It's OK to be gentle with yourself. It's OK to feel unsure. It's OK to feel insecure. It's OK to say, 'How do I do this dance? I don't remember.' It's OK to feel anxious and nervous. You're not alone in that."

If you're feeling anxious about life returning to normal, take solace in the idea that you're not the only one. In fact, everyone has to carry some anxiety about the big changes on the horizon.

Also, remember that you're not in this alone. COVID-19 has affected everyone. So there will be plenty of people out there that you can throw your arm around tight — for the first time in months — and ask, "Ready to go out?"

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