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The 3-step Harvard conversation trick that makes shy people more likable

This will ease social anxiety at your next party.

via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

Two people having a conversation at a party.

Many people, especially those who are introverted and shy, are uncomfortable making small talk with someone new, whether they’re at a party, work event, or just standing in line at the grocery store. However, a Harvard study revealed a simple 3-step trick to make you more likable and conversations more comfortable.

The researchers found that when approaching someone you have never met, asking a question and then 2 follow-up questions dramatically increases your likeability. The study was conducted by Harvard researchers and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

How do I make new people like me?

The study should be a big relief to shy people and introverts who are not interested in trying to impress people by going on and on about themselves.

According to the research, when you meet someone new at a party, the important thing is to approach them like it’s an interview, and you are the journalist. You just need one strong opening question and then you can follow up 2 times by asking them to clarify what they meant or expand on something they said.

via Nicole Michalou/Pexels

“Think to yourself, I need to ask at least five questions in this conversation, or I need to ask questions in this conversation, listen to the answers, and ask follow-up questions. It’s easy to do, and — even better — requires almost no preparation,” Alison Wood Brooks, assistant professor and Hellman Faculty Fellow at Harvard Business School and a co-author of the study, said, according to Forbes.

People like those who ask follow-up questions not only because they enjoy talking about themselves. It also shows that their conversation partner is actively listening. They are paying attention, not looking over your shoulder at someone else. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.

The findings counter the strategy many use when meeting someone for the first time, whether on a blind date or at a networking event. For many, the first step is to try and impress the new person, but research shows that’s not the case.

conversation, introverts, harvardTwo people talking at a party.via Antoni Shkraba/Pexels

“The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided,” the study’s authors wrote, adding that “redirecting the topic of conversation to oneself, bragging, boasting or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease liking.”

It’s a pretty simple concept: people like talking about themselves and if you allow them, they’ll like you more. “Compared to those who do not ask many questions, people who do are better liked and learn more information from their conversation partners,” Brooks said. “This strategy does both. It’s an easy-to-deploy strategy anyone can use to not only be perceived as more emotionally intelligent but to actually be more emotionally intelligent as well.”

One of the studies cited by the authors focused on online dating and found that asking follow-up questions meant a greater chance of getting a second date. The researchers found that the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. When researchers looked at face-to-face speed daters, where they met 20 people at a time, they found that asking one more question on each date would help someone succeed in getting a “yes I want to see you again” on one more date.

The 3-question rule has some caveats. You should make sure you're having a conversation, not an interrogation. “Asking a barrage of questions without disclosing information about yourself may come across as guarded, or worse, invasive,” Brooks says.

party, conversastion tips, harvardSome folks having fun at a party.via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

How much should I talk in a conversation?

While it’s important to ask questions when you meet someone new, you can’t let them do all the talking. Research shows that the perfect conversation ratio is 43:57. You do 43% of the talking and 57% of the listening. The goal is to make your conversation partner and new friend think, “Wow, that person really gets me” by the time the conversation ends.

The next time you find yourself in a social situation, you can feel a bit more relaxed knowing there is a scientifically proven way to ensure that people will find you likable and a good conversationalist. Remember the three-question rule: Open with a question and then ask 2 follow-ups.

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Feel free to turn down invitations, it hurts your friends a lot less than you think

New research is great news for people-pleasers.

via Tima Miroshnichenko/Pexels

New study shows it's ok to say no to an invite if you don't want to go.

There are many reasons why people feel uncomfortable turning down invites to social events. We crave connection, fear missing out on a good time and assume we’re hurting other people’s feelings by saying no. But sometimes, turning someone down is unavoidable, and saying yes to everything can lead to burnout.

There’s also the problem of attending things just because you feel obligated. Then, you wind up having a bad night when you could have stayed home and watched TV or read a book.

A recent study found that 77% of people confessed to accepting an invitation to an event they didn’t want to attend because they were nervous that they’d upset the person who invited them. The good news is that the same study found that people are a lot less bothered when we say no to them than we assume.

So now you can feel less guilty about avoiding social events you don’t want to attend whether it's a family function, work happy hour a birthday party for some kid that your child hardly knows.

A recent study published by the American Psychological Association experimented on over 2,00 participants to find out how people feel after being rejected.

Researchers discovered that when participants imagined refusing a friend's invitation, they often thought it would immediately harm their relationship. They believed their friend might feel upset, disappointed and hesitant to invite them again. Those who envisioned rejecting the invitation were more inclined to think their friend would dwell on the refusal rather than understanding the decision-making process behind it.

However, researchers found that wasn’t the case.

“Across our experiments, we consistently found that invitees overestimate the negative ramifications that arise in the eyes of inviters following an invitation decline,” Julian Givi, PhD, an assistant professor at West Virginia University, told the American Psychological Association. “People tend to exaggerate the degree to which the person who issued the invitation will focus on the act of the invitee declining the invitation as opposed to the thoughts that passed through their head before they declined.”

The researchers performed a similar study with couples and, once again, found that those who turned down the invite thought their partner would be more upset than they actually were.

​“While there have been times when I have felt a little upset with someone who declined an invitation, our research gives us quite a bit of good reason to predict people overestimate the negative ramifications for our relationships,” Givi said.

Givi also says people should feel okay about declining invitations when busy, to avoid psychological burnout.

“Burnout is a real thing, especially around the holidays when we are often invited to too many events,” he said. “Don't be afraid to turn down invitations here and there. But, keep in mind that spending time with others is how relationships develop, so don't decline every invitation.”

This study should be good news to all the people-pleasers out there who often go to social engagements because they don’t they don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. It’s also great news for those who feel a tremendous sense of guilt every time they turn down an invite.


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Autistic woman ordering room service offers rare insight into internal struggles

What the person on the other end of the phone doesn't see is an entire story unto itself.

@PaigeLayle/TikTok

Ordering room service can require herculean effort for some people.

One of the weirdest parts of being human is how none of us really knows what's happening in another person's head or how other people act when they're by themselves. We often wonder if we're the only ones whose brains work a certain way or if other people go through the same mental or emotional obstacle courses we do when performing certain tasks.

When you live with someone who deals with mental/emotional challenges like anxiety or someone who lives life with neurodivergence, you see a bit more of people's behind-the-scenes reality. But even then, there are things we don't fully see because they're happening internally.

One autistic woman, however, has offered an insider look into her internal processing in a video showing her ordering room service at a hotel for the first time.

Paige Layle is a Canadian woman who shares various aspects of her life on social media to raise awareness and advocate acceptance for autism and ADHD. In a TikTok video that's been viewed 4 million times in one day, she explained that she was at a hotel and wanted to order breakfast, then walked viewers through her whole process of anxiously preparing, actually making the phone call and her emotional relief after the fact.

People who don't struggle with the uncertainty of a phone call, even a basic one like ordering room service, may wonder what all the fuss is about. But people on the spectrum and people who struggle with social anxiety or anxiety about making phone calls will likely recognize themselves in this video.

Watch:

@paigelayle

calling for room service for the first time 🙈😅 #actuallyautistic #autism #paigelayle #foryou

The rehearsing what you're going to say as well as what the other person will probably say, the silent freakout upon actually pushing the button, the sudden shift into "totally normal person" mode once the phone call commences, the adrenaline explosion after hanging up, the shaking out of the excess nervous energy, the "that was okay, but awful" sentiment—it's all so familiar to so many people, whether they're dealing with autism, ADHD, anxiety or some combination of them all.

But the person on the other end of the phone would never have guessed this was happening behind the scenes. Paige even handled the unexpected coffee addition with zero issue. Knowing that unexpected things might come up in a conversation is what creates anxiety about phone calls like this, so the fact that she didn't skip a beat when the dialogue diverged from what she'd planned out in her head was genuinely impressive.

Some people might wonder about her "and no one's mad at me or anything" remark, but that's not an unusual concern for people on the autism spectrum as well as people with ADHD and others who might experience rejection sensitive dysphoria.

People in the comments commiserated with Paige while cheering her on.

"I’ve only ordered room service ONCE and this was the EXACT experience. I earned that French toast," shared one commenter.

"You did amazing!!!! I’ve actually never ordered room service because I hate phone calls… too much anxiety!" wrote another.

"The progression from 'anticipatory panic' to 'perfect execution' and finally 'post-mental breakdown' was so real lol i relate," shared another.

"The way you did it perfectly but wrapped that in panic is me everyday," wrote another.

And that's really the crux of it. So many people struggle mightily internally while successfully doing everyday things, with no one on the outside ever knowing the mental and emotional journey it took for them to do those "normal" things. Hopefully, videos like this will help us all give a little more grace and understand why people might be more exhausted or less willing to do things than it seems like they should be. When it's this much work to order a yogurt, imagine how much energy it takes to do other things. This is where a little awareness and empathy can go a long way toward acceptance and understanding.

Follow Paige Layle on TikTok and check out her upcoming book: "But Everyone Feels This Way: How an Autism Diagnosis Saved My Life."

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Education

Correcting these 7 body language mistakes could make you instantly more likeable

Body language isn't always intuitive, and we may be making a negative first impression without meaning to.

Charisma on Command/YouTube

Here are some simple ways to improve your body language in social situations.

You might be the most awesome person in the world—kind, thoughtful, pleasant, funny—and still not make a good first impression on people. The immediate, unconscious judgments our brains make based on body language aren't always accurate, but they happen whether we want them to or not.

First impressions are especially hard for people who struggle with social anxiety or with understanding the nuances of social interactions. When we're nervous, our body language can misrepresent us, making us appear to be more closed off and less approachable than we might be if we were feeling like our true, relaxed selves.

Thankfully, there are some specific ways we can consciously shift our body language to avoid people getting a wrong first impression.

A video from Charisma on Command breaks down seven common mistakes people make with their body language that gives people a negative impression and explains what to do instead. Some of these things are subtle behaviors we might not give a second thought. Others are things we do out of nervousness. With some simple, conscious practice, we can make a difference in how we come across to people we're socializing with.

Watch:

So, to recap:

1. Don't scan the room when talking with someone.

2. Don't let someone interrupt you when you're in a conversation with someone else.

3. Lean against a wall, chair, bar, etc.

4. Keep your hands out of your pockets.

5. Use precise and expansive gestures at the right times.

6. Keep your head up.

7. A brief eyebrow raise lets people know you're glad to see them (but might not be something you want to try to control).

Some people in the comments pointed out that scanning the room is an automatic safety behavior for some and that trying too hard to do some of these things could come across as stiff or disingenuous. Others, however, appreciated the specific advice. Body language is not intuitive for everyone, and pinpointing behaviors to pay attention to can help even the playing field with those who have more social skills and charisma naturally.

Several people on the autism spectrum expressed their gratitude for this kind of clear, direct instruction.

"Man, I so appreciate this channel," shared one commenter. "Being on the Autism Spectrum makes it really difficult to have social interactions and sometimes I don't act "appropriately" but I'm extremely good at mimicking and learning principles. These sorts of videos have made it easier for me to integrate into social situations to the point that people don't realize that I'm on the spectrum ... in fact, people are shocked when they learn that I am. Thanks for making life a little easier for me."

"I agree 100%," shared another. "It's taken me years to simulate neurotypical behaviors, but I'm mostly so good at it now that most folks have no clue. Charisma on Command has helped me hone that to a new level and I am very glad of it."

Body language makes up a lot of our communication, so it's helpful to learn how it works and how we can make adjustments to improve our chances of positive interactions with others. See more of Charisma on Command's videos here.

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