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Sex therapist reveals the 'mistake' couples make on date night before they've even left the house

People are debating the merits of doing the 'deed' before dinner.

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Going out for dinner, drinks, and dessert might make you feel sleepy; not sexy.

Physical intimacy is important in long term relationships. Somewhere between 15-40 percent of married couples are in what's defined as a "sexless" relationship, meaning it's normal for you to go a month or more without doing the deed. That doesn't mean all those people are unhappy, of course. When couples are on the same page about their frequency, even if it's low, everything can be hunky dory! But it's also often the case that one or more partners want more, and are frustrated. That's not a recipe for a happy relationship, not because the physical act itself is vital, but because a lack of sex usually has root causes like poor communication, less intimacy, or a lack of quality time together. When issues like this pile up and go unaddressed, divorce is a common endpoint.

But almost everyone has experienced those days or evenings where you have the best of intentions, you really do. You've secured a babysitter, carved out time for each other, and put all your ducks in a row for a romantic evening. But after a night out, you're just utterly exhausted! Does that mean you aren't attracted to each other anymore, that you don't love anymore, or that you're on a runaway train to Splitsville?

A sex therapist has one surprising solution for couples to try: Reverse the order of operations.

In other (slightly crass) words, "F*ck first."

 marriage, couples, marriage advice, marriage tips, dating advice, love, relationships, relationship advice, sex, divorce Is doing "it" before going out a marriage-saving life hack?  Photo by Womanizer Toys on Unsplash  

Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist with 20 years of experience as a sex therapist. She's made it her mission, along with her husband Xander, to help married couples keep their spark alive with really down-to-earth, practical tips shared on social media (and some funny skits, too).

In one recent video, the Marin's challenge everything we thought we knew about date night:

"You're on the way out the door for a sexy date night," the couple narrates. "But stop, you're already doing it wrong."

In the skit, Xander then turns to his wife and cheekily says: "Oh my god, babe. We forgot to f*ck first."

"The whole idea is you have sex before you go out on date night or out to a big party," she says, "because, let's be honest, once you start eating, drinking, staying up late, it's really hard to get excited about having sex after a big night."

She then urges her viewers to try out the little tweak to the usual routine and let her know how it goes.

Warning: This video contains strong language.


@vanessaandxander

Watch this before your next big night out! We’re in the holiday party season—which means eating, drinking, staying up late, and falling asleep before intimacy can happen. 🥺 Use the "F*ck First" rule to increase the likelihood of intimacy. Instead of waiting until the end of the night, prioritize intimacy *before* you go out. 🍷🍽 Think about it—by the time the date's over, most of us feel full, bloated, tipsy, or just plain tired. And honestly, all you probably want to do is crash into bed, right? 😴 By putting intimacy first, you’ll avoid the post-date slump and create a stronger connection for the rest of the evening. 💫 And share this with your partner so they know what you’ll be up to before your next date night! 😏 #relationshiptips #forcouples #marriedlife #datenight #ignitethespark #spicytime

Marin explains in the video that the "f*ck first" rule was initially developed by love and sex columnist Dan Savage.

In an interview with GQ, the famous author of the column Savage Love explained that the concept actually came to him around Valentine's Day, when disappointed couples would email him the day after to ask if their relationship was doomed because they hadn't "consummated" their big evening out with their partner.

Warning: This quote contains even more strong language.

"They got flowers, they got chocolate, they got taken out to dinner, but they didn't [have sex]. And I would look at that trajectory: flowers (who gives a shit), chocolate (I love chocolate), a big heavy romantic meal with wine and crème brulée and everything else... and who wants to f*ck after that? So, if you want to make sure you get f*cked on Valentine's Day, f*ck first, then go out to dinner. ... Then when you go home you won't be going home to performance anxiety or disappointment if nothing happens."

He doesn't mince words, but you can't argue with his logic.

@vanessaandxander

Waiting for secs to “just happen”? 😬 That’s a fast track to frustration and missed connection. Initiating isn’t just about getting things started—it’s about owning your desire, showing your partner you want them, and keeping that spark alive 🔥 When you’re proactive, you’re creating a shared experience—not leaving it up to chance or falling into a one-sided rut. Take the lead. Take up space. Be an equal player in your pleasure. ✨

The video racked up nearly two million views and tons of opinions from people in relationships.

Many agreed with the approach and admitted to practicing it themselves to great results.

"it also builds a great connection for the rest of the night"

"This has worked great for us! Plus if we’re still up for it later… that’s just an added bonus."

"tried it, we just stayed in bed and watched Netflix. 10/10 would recommend."

"My hubby and I have done this for years lol. It’s a great tip!"

"me and my bf call this 'quickie before the function'"

But others felt the "rule" offered up some logistical challenges, especially for parents.

"Explain this to the babysitter for me"

"Nothing like our kids screaming outside our door to really set the mood"

A few commenters had concerns they'd never make it out to dinner if they did this, while others saw it as a perk.

"I can’t go out with my hair and make up ruined," said one.

Of course, falling asleep is always a major concern. Sex is tiring yet relaxing, and releases a combination of neurochemicals that's proven to make us sleepy. So, if you choose to practice this technique, you may wind up missing out on socialization time and the fun bonding you'd planned with your partner.

So, it seems there are no silver bullets for busy couples looking to make more time for intimacy. There will almost always be something getting in the way or fighting for your attention (like kids... always the kids). But if you've got your communication and affection down, and you just need a little extra time and energy, Marin's suggestion might just work wonders for your relationship.

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Parenting

His mother gave him the 'husbands in training' course every parent should give their kids.

Now he's sharing the detailed curriculum.

via Doug Weaver/TikTok

Doug Weaver explains "Husbands in Training" lessons from his mother

Even though the marriage rate in the United States is on a steep decline, chances are that the majority of kids growing up today will get married at some point in their lives. If current trends continue, about half of those will end in divorce.

Research published in the Couple and Family Psychology journal found that the top five reasons for divorce are a lack of commitment, infidelity, too much conflict, getting married young, and financial problems.

Wouldn’t it be great if we were taught from a young age how to be a good spouse so we could avoid these pitfalls? Many of them are totally solvable with good communication and commitment from both parties. But in American culture, most of us aren’t taught the specifics of how to have a happy and healthy marriage. Most of us tend to pick things up from watching the married people in our orbit, most likely our parents.

No comment on how that's going.

husbands, wives, marriage, couples, love, relationships, marriage tips, marriage advice, love stories, menThough people are waiting longer and being more particular about marriage, the divorce rate remains pretty stubborn.Giphy

The other way we learn is by making the mistakes ourselves. By then, it's usually too late. And the data around second and third marriages isn't very promising when you dig into it.

Artist Doug Weaver had a much different upbringing. His mother, Mickey, made a curriculum for him and his two older brothers when they were kids to help them be great husbands when they got married.

You've heard of things like "Mom-Son Date Night" (some dads and daughters do it, too) where mothers will take their boys out on a "date" so they can learn basic chivalry and manners?

Weaver's training was like that on steroids.

"When I was a kid, my mom did this thing for me and my two older brothers called 'Husbands in Training,'" he explained in a TikTok video that has more than 5.9 million views. "It was a full, multiple-level curriculum on how to be a better husband."

Weaver says the training covered topics from chivalry to eating to a rather uncomfortable discussion on "the ethics of the porn industry." His mother also stressed the importance of listening to women and identifying when another man may be giving them trouble.

"There was a lot of really good stuff in that curriculum," Doug said. "There were things like what to do if your spouse says something and the information they give is wrong. How to handle it if they say something wrong in public versus in private, when it is appropriate to correct them and when it isn't."

Weaver’s mother was also way ahead of her time because she made a big deal about teaching her sons the importance of consent. "We talked about consent, we talked about the basics of respecting and honoring women and listening to women, and all of the things that really just make you a decent human being," Doug explained.

A young Doug must have absolutely hated sitting through conversations with his mom about porn, sex, and consent... but as a grown man, he looks back on the lessons fondly.

@dougweaverart

Husbands in training! #parenting #storytime #story

The lessons were so powerful that even Weaver’s father decided to take the course. "A lot of the things that we were learning from my mom were things that he was never taught growing up,” Weaver said. "So, he decided he also wanted to take 'Husbands in Training.'"

It brings to mind pre-marriage counseling or couples therapy. Programs are often offered (or mandated) through churches, so they aren't usually a great fit for the non-religious. And couples without active "problems" may resist the idea of attending couples therapy due to the stubborn stigma around it.

The course officially ended when Weaver and his brothers got married. "My mom even made certificates of completion that she signed and gave to each of us on our wedding day," he shared in his TikTok clip.


However, the video Weaver shared was so popular on TikTok that he’s making his mother’s course available to the general public. “After posting about ‘Husbands in Training’ on TikTok, the TT community really wants my mom to produce content about raising boys to be good men,” he wrote on a GoFundMe fundraising campaign in 2022.

The overwhelming response to Weaver’s TikTok has inspired a new YouTube channel to spread Mickey’s lessons far and wide. But it has also made a lot of people realize that teaching people how to be great spouses is a lifelong journey and should be a major part of child-rearing. Learning how to be a good spouse shouldn't just be something we pick up by accident.

As for Doug Weaver, his training appears to be paying off in the form of a happy marriage.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Love Stories

Woman discovers her husband's been leaving love notes in her shoes for over six years

The patience he displayed in orchestrating this adorable prank is incredible.

via Anna Mellor/TikTok
Anna Mellor can't belive she never noticed.

Anna Mellor is a popular TikTokker best known for making videos where she pranks her husband, Rory. In one hit video, she forces him to dress as Mrs. Claus for the family Christmas card. In another, they plan a romantic movie night and she pretends to fall asleep just as Rory's entering the room with popcorn. Basically, they're couple goals and it's extremely obvious to anyone watching that they are best friends, even soulmates — despite the lumps Rory takes along the way. But poor Rory may have got the last laugh after a secretive long-con he played left her stupefied.

The secret? He’s been leaving her love letters in her shoes for years.


sneakers, shoes, fila, love, marriage, relationships, love storiesWe should all make sure to double check our shoes for hidden messages. Photo by Mehdi-Thomas BOUTDARINE on Unsplash

Anna took to TikTok to share the tale with her near one-million followers.

“I just discovered a six-year secret my husband has been keeping from me,” Mellor captioned a post with the big reveal. The video has over 2.6 million views since it was posted in March.

Anna got hip to her husband’s secret joke after she purchased a pair of used Fila shoes and found a secret message written in black Sharpie on the inside: “I Fila lot better when ur around." (A love letter and a dad joke, to boot. We love to see it.)

After making the discovery, she called her husband to tell him the strange news.


“I was like, ‘I just found a love letter in my shoes,'” she explained. Rory acted confused to hear the news. “He's like, 'Are you being serious?' Acting as if I should know what's going on,” Anna said.

But he couldn’t keep up the charade for long. “We have been married for six years. I have been writing in your shoes for six years and you just noticed for the first time” he admitted.

Anna then opened up another sneaker that had "If your feet get tired I will carry you" written on the tongue.

@mellorlite

Me thinking it was a love letter for someone else has same energy as when Rory was proposing and I thought the ring was somebody else’s that got lost at the beach😂😂

It makes you wonder how many pairs of shoes that she’s thrown out had secret messages in them?

Anna was clearly shocked by the revelation and thought it was a wonderfully creative way for her husband to show his love. It also shows that the man has an incredible talent at keeping a secret. Not to mention the outstanding patience on display! Commenters on the video thought that Rory is definitely a keeper, with all the makings of an all-star husband and dad.

"Immediately getting a divorce… none of my shoes say stuff!" TheMrsGarcia1111 wrote. "Where did you find him and how do I get one…asking for a friend," Keelyn added.

"Ughhh *getting up to take my shoes to my husband and start and argument*" another user joked.

"It’s so much sweeter that he kept doing it even though you never praised him for it" added another.

This isn't the first time the couple has gone viral. Back in 2020, Anna posted a video on TikTok where she sent her husband a dirty text message, but it was intercepted by her mother-in-law.

In the video, a horrified Anna can be heard saying, “Wait, wait, no… oh no” as she watches Rory’s mother reaching for the phone. “Did you read that?” Rory asks after taking a look for himself. “I thought it was my phone,” she responds. “That is so gross!”

Talk about embarrassing.

But, mostly, viewers love the pranks. They can't get enough of the pranks.

@mellorlite

What was he dreaming about?!?!? #sleepprank #fellasleep #prankingmyhusband

Research shows that good-natured ribbing, like the type that Anna and Rory share in their videos, is great for a couple. A meta-analysis of 39 studies found that couples who “create humor together” though inside jokes are more likely to last than those that don’t.

“People say they want a sense of humor in a mate, but that's a broad concept,” Professor Jeffrey Hall from the University of Kansas said according to The Daily Mail. “What is strongly related to relationship satisfaction is the humor that couples create together.”

And little love notes and other small displays of affection? They're key in a happy marriage. They seem small and maybe even silly, but they communicate a lot: Commitment, effort, and love. Anna and Rory are such an inspirational couple because beyond even love, it's so obvious that they like each other. That's a highly underrated aspect of a great relationship. If you're trying to inject a little more of this playful fun in your own relationship, well, shoes might be a good place to start.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Family

The 50/50 method marriage hack will help you solve your biggest fight: What's for dinner?

How much do you really want it?

via Canva/Photos

A couple debates over what to eat for dinner.

Sometimes, being married can feel like being one-half of a two-headed monster. You have to discuss and, often, debate every decision you make with the other person. This can get exhausting, especially when it involves small things such as what to eat for dinner, what color to paint the bathroom, or what movie to watch.

Oftentimes, these decisions can take forever because one person has an idea, such as, “Let’s go get Italian food tonight.” However, the other person says no without having any suggestions. This can result in a stalemate that lasts for far too long, all the while your belly begins to groan louder and louder.

What's the 50/50 method marriage hack?

Kira Kosarin, an actress and musician best known for starring in Nickelodeon’s The Thundermans (2013-2018) and as Betsy Kelso on That ‘90s Show, has figured out a fun way to solve this marriage problem with her husband, actor-musician, Max Chester. They call it the 50/50 method.

@kirakosarin

What’s your 50?

“My husband and I have a really great method for negotiating small things, like whether we wanna go out or stay in, or what we want for dinner, in a way that doesn't get you stuck in that awful loop where it's like, well, what do you wanna do?” Kosarin opens her video. “And it basically takes that conversation, and it turns it into numbers so that you can articulate what you would want selfishly and then also find common ground and make the decision based on what you now know truly the other person wants.”

kira kosarin, kira kosarin music, guitars, thundermans actress, moroccan lounge, live musicKira Kosarin at Moroccan Lounge in August 2022.via Justin Higuchi/Wikimedia Commons

How do married people choose what to eat for dinner?

Kosarin uses the example of a conversation about where to go for dinner. “One of us will go, ‘Hey, I can’t decide. What’s your 50?’ And I’ll go, ‘I’m leaning, like, 60% Thai, 40% Indian.’ And then maybe Max will go, ‘Ooh. I’m leaning, like, 10% Thai and 90% Indian.’”

Max would win in this scenario because he passionately wants Indian food. “Because even though I want Thai a little more, I now know you want Indian a lot more,” she says.

The 50/50 method is effective because it allows people to quantify their desire. In this case, Chester made it known that he wanted Indian food instead of just kind of wanting it, as Kira did with Thai food.

couple eating dinner, wine, romantic dinner, cheers, couple drinking wine, wine glassesA couple having a romantic dinner.via Canva/Photos

Kosarin shared another scenario where the two debated how much they wanted to go out on a Saturday night. “He’ll go, ‘Well, honestly, I'm like 60 in, 40 out.’ Then I can go, ‘Hmm. I'm like 20 in, 80 out.’ He'll go, ‘Okay, you really wanna go out. I don't really mind. My percentages are pretty close. Let's go out and do what you want.’”

Ultimately, the lesson of the 50/50 method is that communication is key when it comes to having a healthy marriage. That means getting into details about how much something does or doesn’t mean to you. It’s also a lesson in compromise; if someone feels 90/10 about something, give them their way, and they’ll probably oblige when you feel as passionate on another day. Finally, the 50/50 method turns agonizing discussions into a game, and the couple that plays together, stays together.

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