Upworthy's book GOOD PEOPLE comes out on September 3, 2024 — take a look!

Shop
 Explore 

marriage advice

Family

People are sharing the marriage advice that 'sounded absurd' but is actually really helpful

Here are 19 of the best responses.

via Pexels

Work at it every single day folks.

The best advice isn’t always obvious, or else we would have thought of it ourselves. It often comes out of left field and can be counterintuitive. When it comes to marriage, the best advice tends to be centered around keeping a focus on the long game.

One of the best pieces of marriage advice I ever received was, “Buy her a bottle of shampoo from time to time without her asking.” Now, that doesn’t mean to get shampoo specifically, but just pick up something here and there to show you care and are thinking about her.

Marriage, if done right, is forever, so that often means taking a loss in the short-term to enjoy the long-term benefits of a happy life with someone. This is great as a concept but in practice can be pretty darn hard, day in and day out.

Hence why about 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

Reddit user thecountnotthesaint put out a call to the AskMen forum for some of the best marriage advice that “sounded absurd” but was actually helpful.

The question was inspired by some advice the Reddit user had received from their father, who claimed that a king-sized bed is the key to a happy marriage. "I'll be damned if that wasn't one of the best decisions we made aside from getting married and having kids," they wrote.

A lot of the advice was about being careful not to escalate small disagreements into larger arguments that could turn personal and ugly. A lot of people think that to have a successful marriage means being able to compromise and to let things go quickly.

Here are some of the best responses to the question, “What random marriage advice sounded absurd but was actually spot on helpful?”

1.

"Dad said 'Be kind even if you’re not feeling it. Maybe especially if you’re not feeling it.'” — semantician

2.

"At my wedding, my wife's Grandmother offered so funny, weird, solid advice. She said, 'If you get angry with each other, go to bed naked and see if you can resolve it before you go to sleep.' So far, so good. Anniversary on Monday!" — drizzyjdracco

3.

"The advice I’ve given people is this: if you can go grocery shopping with your person and have the best time ever, you have yourself a keeper. It’s all about making the best of the mundane things, because after years of being together, life becomes predictable. You’ll need to keep the spice going, regardless of what you’re doing. Source: married 15 years." — LemonFizzy0000

4.

"My grandfather told me 'Never go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink.' What I learned is that he would always help my grandma and that is when they did their most talking." — t480

5.

"When our kid was about to be born, someone told me to change the first diaper. If you can handle the first one, the others will be easy.' So I did. I didn't know what I was doing, so I asked the nurse at the hospital to teach me, and I changed the first several few diapers while my wife recovered from a difficult labor. The advice was correct, no other diaper was as disgusting as the first one. It got very easy and I never minded doing it, and my wife was really really grateful. And I loved that I could take on some of the parenting chores, since there was so much that she was the only one... equipped to provide." — wordserious

6.

"Focus on tackling the problem, not each other." — bobbobbobbobbob123

7.

"Don’t have too high of expectations. My dad told us that, but we found most of our early fights were when one or the other had unspoken expectations of the other or marriage. It is positively life changing to be married, and an amazing experience, but still life goes on."— nopants_ranchdance

8.

"Marry him for who he is. Not his potential." — There-is-No-beyond

9.

"My stepmom just passed away, and dad said something that has profoundly changed my attitude: 'The little things that annoyed me are the things I now miss.' So, like, yea for some reason she squeezes a massive glob of toothpaste which mostly falls into the sink basin and she doesn't wash away the toothpaste spit. If/when she's gone, that little constant annoyance that reminds me she's there will be gone too. Don't nag on the little things, rather, embrace them. (still, let her know she has made progress on other things I've pointed out, as I try to adapt to her wishes)." — drewkungfu

10.

"Say thank you for day to day things, even taking out the trash, sweeping the floor, or folding laundry. Audibly hearing thank you reinforces the feeling of being appreciated." — BVolatte

11.

"Randomly give your partner a cold beverage on a hot day. It's the little things that show you care." — Purple12Inchruler

12.

"You don't just marry her, you marry her whole damn family." — crazypersn

13.

"One of my colonels told me: 'Just buy two damn pizzas, instead of arguing over the toppings.'"— MgoBlue702

14.

"Be honest. Don't lie to your partner." — Mikeydeeluxe

15.

"Don’t marry a woman whose dad calls her 'princess,' because she probably believes it. Much to his regret, my brother ignored this advice from our dad." — Toadie9622

16.

"My fiance always says that 'just because' flowers are the best kind of flowers." — agaribay1010

17.

"My Gramps who was married for over 50 yrs said: 'tell her you love her every single day.' Kind of obvious, but I definitely took it to heart." — sorellk

18.

"Love isn’t about having 'nice feelings for each other.' It’s about acting for the betterment of someone else, even if you don’t feel like it. Emotions will change. Your willingness to treat your spouse a certain way doesn’t have to." — sirplaind

19.

"Bill Maher said "The three most important words in a relationship aren't 'I love you', they're 'let it go.' Oddly, this has proven to be some of the best relationship advice I've ever heard." — KrssCom

This article originally appeared on 05.30.22

From Your Site Articles

marriage

Family

'Trapped' wife who married a 'mama's boy' gets 10 helpful pieces of advice on how to move on

“I'm now learning what weaponized incompetence is.”

via Timur Weber/Pexels

A wife can no longer take her husband's laziness.

A woman on Reddit is sharing a problem that far too many women experience: being married to a man who won’t do his fair share around the house. But this woman, who goes by the user name Fantastic_Guess1918, 28, appears to be in an extreme situation. Her husband, 33, does absolutely nothing and hasn’t worked in over a year.

She says the big problem is that he’s a “mama’s boy” who never had any responsibilities growing up and hasn’t taken on any as an adult. His mother owns a business and created a position he’s had since 16, but he never goes to work and still gets paid.

Even though he doesn’t bother going to work, the wife still takes on 100% of the domestic responsibilities in the home. She was so frustrated that she asked for help on the Relationship Advice forum.

“My husband and I have been married for 10+ years and I'm now learning what weaponized incompetence is,” she opens her story, referencing a passive-aggressive tactic people use to avoid responsibility. He also lives like a slob, making Mountain Dew pyramids on the side of the bed and throwing rotten food down the sink, even though they don’t have a garbage disposal.

“I was young and naive when we got married and assumed that he would grow up. That he would share the housework and not leave me with literally everything,” she continued. “I honestly didn't even expect 50/50. I would have taken 90% if he'd just do 10%. He did nothing. I mean NOTHING. I didn't want to put up with it and I tried my hardest not to. We argued about it all the time.”

lazy men, weaponized incompetance, mama's boy A wife can no longer take her husband's laziness. via Timur Weber/Pexels

To make things worse, Fantastic_Guess1918 has severe depression which makes keeping up with household duties even more difficult. She hopes to one day have two children, but those dreams have been dashed because she is already raising a childish husband.

The situation got so bad she gave an “empty threat” of divorce, and he did the dishes. “I was in shock, the first thing he's done. Immediately afterward my rocky confidence in his ability to change was shattered more when he approached me and wanted PRAISE for cleaning the dishes,” Fantastic_Guess1918 wrote.

“I just feel like I'm in such a bad place now, and I feel completely trapped,” she told the Relationship Advice forum. ”I don't want to leave; I just want things to be better. I want him to hear me. I want him to care about how stressed I constantly am.”

The good news is that the forum posters gave her some very good advice, although it probably wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear.

1. Get a divorce

"I can't even begin to tell you how many women I've known in situations like this (it's literally in the triple digits). Absolutely NONE of those men EVER changed. If anything, they just got worse the longer their atrocious lack of effort was enabled/put up with."

"It's easier to dump a mama's boy than to divorce a mama's boy, and both are easier than trying to change a mama's boy."

2. You're choosing this

"You are choosing this life by staying. You are choosing to be stressed out by a partner who doesn’t care about you. He’s never had to care about or take care of anything or anyone. Why would he magically start now? Because you want him to? People don’t change just because we want them to; they change when THEY want to."

3. Get a job

“The ability to leave is to negotiate from strength with a partner. As long as you sit there saying 'I have nowhere to go!' you are giving him all the power. Open a private account, put your pay there.”

4. Reframe the narrative

“It helps to keep this perspective: you're not trapped, you're in planning mode. Once you start making a plan for your escape, you will feel FAR less trapped. It doesn't matter if that plan takes 1 year, 2 years or 3 years. You can come up with a plan that will allow you to leave your husband eventually.”

5. Stop working for him

“If he constantly leaves junk around the house, buy a big container and just drop all of errant junk into that container. If he doesn't cook or do laundry, only cook or do laundry for yourself. You can even buy yourself a locking mini fridge and keep your leftovers and groceries in that fridge so he doesn't benefit from your labor.”

“Find ways so his mess can remain his problem — even if that just means constantly putting his junk in the trash when he refuses to pick it up. Be petty with it (you've earned it) and have fun!”

lazy men, weaponized incompetance, mama's boy A wife can no longer take her husband's laziness.via Timur Weber/Pexels

6. Get a housekeeper

"Have him pay for a maid to do his half of the work and stop arguing about it. That’s the only way to continue the marriage. If he has 'don’t go to work for a year' money, he has housekeeper money."

7. Men don't grow up

"My dad told me something that made a huge impact on me. He said that men don’t 'grow up' and don’t 'mature.' They are who they are whether they’re 5, 15, or 55. That’s who they are and that's who they are always going to be."

8. Depression lies to you

"You are not trapped, that’s just the lie your depression tells you. You have the power to break free, you just don’t believe in yourself."

9. Get a support system

"Do you have a therapist, etc? You need someone to talk to about these issues! There are so many concerns you have implied may exist, but not delineated. Do you not have any kind of support system? Parents, siblings, old friends, other relatives? If not, it’s time for you to put on your big girl panties and get a life. You need to make a life for yourself! That includes a job, money management, housing, etc. This balloon you are living within is about to pop."

10. He was made that way

"The way your husband's mommy makes excuses for him and treats him like a baby is how so many momma's boys are raised. Mom Boys are raising defective men ON PURPOSE. Because they don’t want to be 'abandoned.' Do not be with a momma’s boy!! Look out for yourself."

Even though the woman said she didn’t want to leave her husband and only wanted him to understand her situation, she was given a lot of hard truths about her marriage. She is fighting an uphill battle trying to turn her husband into a responsible man when he was raised to let the women in his life do everything for him. So, the good news is that even though she may not want to leave him, she received a lot of practical advice on gaining independence from him so she can at least forge her own path instead of being dependent on a man who gives little in return.

From Your Site Articles

relationships

Love Stories

Single man asks married men their biggest marriage regret and they don't disappoint

“She’s not complaining. She’s giving you the roadmap on how to treat her.”

Photo credit: Canva

Man asks married men their biggest marriage regret, they deliver

Marriage is a big step in a relationship. It's something that people think about from the time they can grasp the concept of relationships. When you factor that in with the high divorce rate, it makes sense that people want to make sure they're getting it right before they take the leap.

Typically people ask their close inner circle relationship advice. Leaning on people like their parents, siblings or friends who have been married to fill in the gaps of knowledge. But with the world being smaller than ever due to social media, it takes little effort to gather more collective knowledge from thousands of people from your target audience.

Surprisingly, people are pretty forthcoming to strangers on the internet looking for support and help. One man who goes by the name King Boiza decided to ask his internet advisors, "married men what is your greatest regret about marriage? Advise the single boys. It could be about anything." They married men didn't hesitate to answer the call in the most genuinely wholesome way.

Gleaning collective wisdom from those more experienced than you is a common practice, but being able to do it in such a large way is relatively new. Different life experiences lead to different perspectives that can be invaluable to someone still learning.

The advice provided ranged from warnings to what could be seen as universal truths about marriage.

"Your wife becomes the words you speak upon her, I regret not speaking life and good upon her," one man shares.

"In times of trouble, remember...It's not you against her but the both of you, against the problem...," someone writes.

"Listen when she speaks from the heart, once she feels unheard, she will be closed off for a long time if not forever," another advises.

"Not all women age gracefully with all their good looks and physique. Marry her for more reasons beyond her body and beauty. Seek a FOREVER," one commenter says.

Forbes reports that 43% of first marriages end in divorce with the number significantly increasing with each subsequent marriage. Finding out the regrets, struggles and triumphs of other marriages may help others feel more prepared to commit to marriage with a bit of a roadmap laid in front of them.

It's clear from the comments under the post that marriage takes work and while some of the men admittedly misstepped, they seem eager to share with others so they avoid the same mistakes.

"My biggest regret in marriage was to cheat and I'm telling you...my wife was never the same...so my advice is never cheat never ever," one guy confesses.

TikTok · Kingboiza

www.tiktok.com

"We tend to take our spouse for granted once we get married. Continue to invest your time in her. You won't regret it and she'll know that you really see her," one man shares.

But it wasn't only men who dropped by the comment section. Women stopped to share their appreciation for the wisdom being left for all to see.

"After reading this comment section, my faith in the institution of marriage is restored. Relationships are not perfect, but we gotta try with people who want to try," one woman writes.

"I don't know why I'm crying...I guess I never knew men like these existed...Your wives must be blessed," another woman shares.

If you need a dose of healthy masculinity and wholesome advice for lasting partnerships, look no further than that comment section. They're saving some future couple from heartache by simply showing up to answer a stranger's question on the internet.

From Your Site Articles

biggest marriage regret

Family

17 assumptions modern newlyweds are sick of people making about their marriages.

Pro tip: Don't ask newlyweds about babies.

If you just got married, chances are lots of people think they know what your life is like.

These people are totally well-meaning! And also, mostly wrong.

Being married isn't exactly like it used to be. Which is great, as there are so many different, amazing ways to be newlyweds than ever before. But it's also occasionally frustrating, as we newlyweds are frequently forced to dispel a lot of myths about our relationships.

So let's get them out of the way in one fell swoop.

Here are the most common (but mistaken) assumptions strangers make when you're a newlywed couple, and what our lives are really like.

Assumption #1: We went on our honeymoon already, and we left right after the wedding.

Just like we imagined it. Because we did imagine it.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: In our dreams, we definitely did — and we had a great time!

In real life, however, most of us can't just take a week (or more) off work at will. The office is hella busy, and on top of that, we live in the only wealthy country in the world that doesn't mandate any paid vacation. Many of us were barely able to get the day of our actual wedding off (ultimately, we compromised with our manager and took a half-day).

We're planning to get to it ... eventually. But it might be a while. We promise we'll send pictures!

Assumption #2: We're going to have babies ASAP.

Yay?

Photo via iStock.

Reality: We love being married! But, you know, we actually haven't decided? About babies? We're just enjoying being married right now. But we'll let you know when it happens. We promise.

Assumption #3: We're going to move out of "the city" one day.

So many cheap noodles, so little time.

Photo by Anthony Quintano/Flickr.

Reality: It makes sense to assume that, like so many newly married couples in generations past, we're already planning our escape from our local metropolis to a less population-dense area TBD. But many of us who live in the city really, really like it! The city is great. There are good schools here. We can get nachos delivered at 3 a.m.! From either the good nacho place or the OK-but-cheap nacho place.

Sure, some of us are planning to one day move to the 'burbs for more space (and many already are), but many of us aren't. And still others of us who already live in the suburbs are making the suburbs more like the city.

Having a yard is really nice, but so is not having car insurance payments.

Assumption #4: We feel superior to our second-cousin Frieda whose boyfriend of 19 years still hasn't proposed.

Look! They seem happy!

Photo via iStock.

Reality: Even though we're feeling pretty good about being married, Frieda and Richard are adults and get to make their own decisions — no matter what Aunt Cindy thinks. Maybe they have financial reasons. Maybe they decided a long time ago they don't want to be married. Maybe they believe marriage is an oppressive, archaic, patriarchal institution that they don't want to participate in, and also they're vegan now.

In any case, leave Frieda and Richard alone.

Assumption #5: We're going to have babies soonish.

Aw?

Photo via iStock.

Reality: So, yeah. Like I said. Really haven't decided about babies. Keeping our options open. But probably not soon? You know?

Assumption #6: One of us changed our last name.

Uncanny, really.

Image by Mary Rose Pickett/Sketchport.

Reality: There's totally nothing wrong with couples who decide that one partner will take the other's last name, of course. But not all of us do. At least 1 in every 5 women decide to keep their maiden names, according to a New York Times survey. And if you haven't taken your partner's last name, it's kind of frustrating to constantly hear yourself referred to as Mr./Mrs. Someone Else (for opposite-gender couples, this pretty much applies exclusively to women).

If you're not sure what last name to use, just ask! We'll tell you what the deal is.

Assumption #7: We're having Guinness Book of World Records amounts of sex.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: For those of us who waited to have sex until marriage — which is, of course, totally cool — you might need a supercomputer to tabulate. But lots of us have been together for a long time already and may even have been living together already, so we're probably having whatever amount of sex is normal for us. It's just a regular part of our lives that throwing a wedding doesn't really have a magical impact on.

After many years in a relationship, most of us take "Netflix and chill" quite literally. And seriously.

Assumption #8: We've finished all our thank-you notes.

It. Just. Doesn't. Get. Easier.

Photo by happy_serendipity/Flickr.

Reality: Never. We'll be writing these until the end of time.

Assumption #9: Hanging out with one of us means hanging out with both of us.

You will listen to us talk about our trip to Block Island and you will enjoy it.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: We're still different people. Each of us is a self-sufficient being with free will. And we're probably totally down to hang out with you, even if our spouse isn't available.

Except you, Greg. We're totally avoiding you.

Assumption #10: We're going to have babies ever.

Bujjy bujjy boo?

Photo via iStock.

Reality: So um, like I said, there's actually a chance we might never have babies? We might decide we don't want them after all. We might find out we can't — in which case, these questions might become extremely invasive and painful. We might adopt a child ... who's not a baby. We haven't figured it out yet.

At the end of the day, It's kinda up to us, you know?

Assumption #11: We never use the garlic press you got us.

Such a great gift.

Photo by Lee Kindness/Wikimedia Commons.

Reality: We use it all the time! Thank you so much!

Assumption #12: One of us is going to stay home and take care of the house from here on in.

We will still make the hell out of some lemonade, though.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: Some of us might want to be a housewife or husband. Others of us shudder at the thought of giving up our careers, or urging our spouse to give up theirs. Still others of us might want to, but might not be able to forfeit the second income. There's really no right — or standard — way to do it anymore.

Assumption #13: We both have all the same likes, dislikes, preferences, outlooks, and opinions now.

Missy and I have been getting really into '80s ice dancing.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: My wife will never convince me to like jazz. And I will probably never convince her to like "Captain Phillips" fan fiction. And you know what? We're OK with that.

For the things that matter, we're committed to presenting a united front. But we're still individuals with different thoughts, feelings, and opinions about what Tom Hanks was up to two weeks before the Somali pirates attacked, 'cause honestly, that's where the real drama of the story probably is.

Assumption #14: We wear wedding rings.

Help. Someone glued our hands together. Please call the cops.

Photo by TanyaVdB/Pixabay.

Reality: Some of us like wearing a physical symbol of our connection and duty to our spouse. Some of us don't as much. So we don't wear them. But don't worry! We're still extreme double married 5000.

Assumption #15: Making us a pink cake that says "baby" on it is going to change our mind about babies.

Mmmmmmmm. Nope.

Photo by Frosted with Emotion/Flickr.

Reality: It won't. But we will definitely eat that cake.

Assumption #16: Our lives are a lot different now.

Married or not, we still have three more seasons of "Justified" to get through.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: Beginning roughly seven seconds after we say, "I do," lots and lots and lots of well-intentioned people ask: "How does it feel?!" seemingly expecting to hear: "So much has changed! We got matching ponies! Being married really is a whole new world!" It feels like we're disappointing them when we answer, "Pretty much the way we did the day before the wedding." Which is silly, since there's no shame in that.

For some couples, life is a lot different after marriage, and that's great. But if stuff is kinda sorta the same, that's OK too! Life was great before. That's why we decided to get married.

Assumption #17: If we're not going to lay out a precise plan for having babies, at least we'll probably get a pet.

Blah.

Photo by Madalena Provo, used with permission.

Reality: OK. This one is true.

This article originally appeared on 11.06.15

From Your Site Articles

newlyweds

Joy

Couple married for 69 years shares their secrets to a successful marriage

The husband's "2 o'clock in the morning" answer, though.

Representative photo by micheile henderson on Unsplash

Couples who have been married a long time have a thing or two to teach us.

"For as long as we both shall live" may be the standard expectation for marriages just starting out, but the reality is a bit different. About half of first marriages end in divorce, and fewer than 5% of marriages last 50 years or more.

Couples who have been married for over 60 years are even rarer to find, but one couple who is pushing 70 years of married life has grabbed the attention of millions on Yair Brachiyahu's TikTok channel.

Surely, two people who have managed to stay together for almost seven decades know something most people don't about what a successful marriage entails, so Yair asked them what advice they'd give for a long and healthy marriage.

The husband chimed in first with a classic, humorous quip—"Just say yes all the time,"—to which they both laughed.

"Just never to fight," the wife said. "No fighting, great marriage."

Yair then asked what they love most about each other. She said she loves when he listens, to which they both laughed again. Then he said he loves "just about everything" about her.

The couple met through friends, and she said he fell for her immediately. He didn't argue with that, saying he fell for looks, body and personality. "That's all you need," he said, adding "She had no money," with a laugh.

When asked how they've been able to stay married for 69 years, they both responded that you have to bend a little—or a lot—and "you have to accept the good and the bad in the person."

And then the finale, when Yair asked what was the best time they've had together. Watch:

@yairbrachiyahu
69 Years Married Couple Give Advice… #interview #lifelessons #longervideos #marriage

People weighed in with their thoughts.

"The magic of 2 o'clock in the morning 😂😂," wrote one person.

"Their sense of humor is obviously one of the reasons they have kept the marriage intact," wrote another.

Some people really resonated with the "accept the good and the bad in the person" advice, others loved how he said, "say yes all the time," while others focused on the "no fighting."

One of the striking things about the couple's advice is how seemingly simple it all is.

"No fighting" may seem unrealistic or even unhealthy to some, but there's a difference between disagreeing and fighting. Research shows that happily married people do get into arguments sometimes, but they disagree and argue differently than couples who aren't happy.

“Happy couples tend to take a solution-oriented approach to conflict, and this is clear even in the topics that they choose to discuss,” said Amy Rauer, associate professor of child and family studies and director of the Relationships and Development Lab in the College of Education, Health, and Human Sciences at the University of Tennessee. Rauer was the lead author on a study that examined the marital problems happy couples face. One finding from the study is that happy couples choose their battles and focus on dealing with more solvable problems first.

“If couples feel that they can work together to resolve their issues, it may give them the confidence to move on to tackling the more difficult issues,” Rauer shared.

Accepting the good and the bad is solid advice, provided the bad isn't something abusive or damaging in some way. Expecting our partners to be perfect or holding them to an unachievable standard leads to conflict and resentment.

And bending? That's key. Marriage is a give-and-take, two-way relationship and both parties have to be flexible.

As for the 2 o'clock in the morning answer, well that's open to interpretation. But it seems pretty clear that the shared attraction that brought them together is still alive and well.

Yair interviews a lot of people in their golden years who share their wisdom and life lessons. You can follow him on TikTok here.

From Your Site Articles

love

Pop Culture

Relationship expert tells people to never get married unless you're willing to do 3 things

"If you and your partner (both) are unable or unwilling to do these 3 things consistently forever, you won’t make it."

Canva/Jayson Gaddis Twitter Screenshot

Relationship expert gives people advice on getting married.

Being in a relationship can be difficult at times. Learning someone else's quirks, boundaries, and deep views on the world can be eye-opening and hard. But usually, the happy chemicals released in our brain when we love someone can cause us to overlook things in order to keep the peace.

Jayson Gaddis, a relationship expert, took to Twitter to rip off people's rose-colored glasses and tell them to forego marriage. Honestly, with the divorce rate in this country being as high as it is, he probably could've stopped his tweet right there. Don't get married, the end. Many people would've probably related and not questioned the bold statement, but thankfully he followed up with three things you must be willing to do before going to the chapel.

Before going into his reasons for why he tells people not to get married, Gaddis explained that he is a person that "LOVEs being married." I mean, it would probably make him a pretty weird relationship expert if he hated relationships, so it's probably a good thing he enjoys being married. Surely his spouse appreciates his stance as well.

So why does he tell unsuspecting people not to get married? "Because a long-term partnership might be one of the hardest paths out there. It will confront everything about you and your partner. Your relationship skills will be tested. And all your unresolved childhood trauma will come to the surface," Gaddis wrote.

Unresolved childhood trauma can become a major problem in relationships because oftentimes our trauma is present in how we react to conflict or relationship strain. According to Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, childhood trauma manifests in relationships in multiple ways including fear of abandonment, being easily irritated, constantly arguing or avoiding conflict at all costs.

\u201cNever, ever get married. Unless you are willing to do these 3 things.\u201d
— Jayson Gaddis (@Jayson Gaddis) 1675182104

It's not unwise to tuck that bit of information in your pocket if you're thinking about a long-term relationship, and Gaddis bringing this to the forefront will certainly benefit someone. That's not to say you can't be in a relationship if you have trauma; Gaddis is simply suggesting that you be aware of your traumas and how they may show up in the course of a relationship.

He then went on to get into his actual list of things couples should be willing to do before they get married in order to have a successful marriage.

"Learn. Learn about you, learn about them. Never stop learning about yourself and each other in the context of your relationship," he wrote, which falls right in line with his pre-numbered suggestions.

Now, the second suggestion may have people quickly raising an eyebrow, especially if they don't like conflict. Gaddis suggested embracing "conflict, adversity and challenges" and getting "very very good at repairing it and working it through 100% of the time."

\u201cSomething about long-term partnership invites us to face everything unloved and unprocessed in our psychology, neurobiology, and mammalian wiring. It is, at its core, a spiritual path.\u201d
— Jayson Gaddis (@Jayson Gaddis) 1675182104

That's a good one. Conflict resolution is a skill and committing to sharpening it and using it every single time could save some relationships. The third may help preemptively alleviate some unforeseen power struggles and I'm here for it.

"Share leadership and collaborate. Being teammates about everything and sharing the load together is crucial. Be honest about how hard it is to share leadership and get better at it," Gaddis tweeted before elaborating further in the thread.

The author and relationship expert bluntly stated that if both people can't agree to do those three suggestions, then the couple would not survive. Gaddis rounded out the Twitter thread by explaining that unless you're ready to work on yourself and commit to the three things listed, you should stay single.

Ouch. Harsh words, but it's better to come from a behavior and relationship expert than anyone else.

This article originally appeared on 2.3.23

From Your Site Articles

relationships

Podcast

Upworthy Weekly podcast: Marriage advice, the dog pilot, money-saving tips

Have you given our new podcast a listen? It's a rundown of Upworthy's most popular stories with a side of humor. Reviewers are saying it’s “funny,” “a breath of fresh air,” and the “hosts have great rapport.” Listen and subscribe wherever you get podcasts today.

Upworthy Weekly podcast for June 4, 2022

What are Alison and Tod talking about this week? People are sharing marriage advice that "sounded absurd" but is really helpful and a retired military pilot uses his plane to save rescue dogs.

Plus, Alison and Tod share tips on saving money and Jennifer Garner makes calling your senator easy.

Subscribe now on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, or iHeart Radio.

From Your Site Articles

podcast