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Couple married for 69 years shares their secrets to a successful marriage

The husband's "2 o'clock in the morning" answer, though.

Representative photo by micheile henderson on Unsplash

Couples who have been married a long time have a thing or two to teach us.

"For as long as we both shall live" may be the standard expectation for marriages just starting out, but the reality is a bit different. About half of first marriages end in divorce, and fewer than 5% of marriages last 50 years or more.

Couples who have been married for over 60 years are even rarer to find, but one couple who is pushing 70 years of married life has grabbed the attention of millions on Yair Brachiyahu's TikTok channel.

Surely, two people who have managed to stay together for almost seven decades know something most people don't about what a successful marriage entails, so Yair asked them what advice they'd give for a long and healthy marriage.

The husband chimed in first with a classic, humorous quip—"Just say yes all the time,"—to which they both laughed.

"Just never to fight," the wife said. "No fighting, great marriage."

Yair then asked what they love most about each other. She said she loves when he listens, to which they both laughed again. Then he said he loves "just about everything" about her.

The couple met through friends, and she said he fell for her immediately. He didn't argue with that, saying he fell for looks, body and personality. "That's all you need," he said, adding "She had no money," with a laugh.

When asked how they've been able to stay married for 69 years, they both responded that you have to bend a little—or a lot—and "you have to accept the good and the bad in the person."

And then the finale, when Yair asked what was the best time they've had together. Watch:

@yairbrachiyahu

69 Years Married Couple Give Advice… #interview #lifelessons #longervideos #marriage

People weighed in with their thoughts.

"The magic of 2 o'clock in the morning 😂😂," wrote one person.

"Their sense of humor is obviously one of the reasons they have kept the marriage intact," wrote another.

Some people really resonated with the "accept the good and the bad in the person" advice, others loved how he said, "say yes all the time," while others focused on the "no fighting."

One of the striking things about the couple's advice is how seemingly simple it all is.

"No fighting" may seem unrealistic or even unhealthy to some, but there's a difference between disagreeing and fighting. Research shows that happily married people do get into arguments sometimes, but they disagree and argue differently than couples who aren't happy.

“Happy couples tend to take a solution-oriented approach to conflict, and this is clear even in the topics that they choose to discuss,” said Amy Rauer, associate professor of child and family studies and director of the Relationships and Development Lab in the College of Education, Health, and Human Sciences at the University of Tennessee. Rauer was the lead author on a study that examined the marital problems happy couples face. One finding from the study is that happy couples choose their battles and focus on dealing with more solvable problems first.

“If couples feel that they can work together to resolve their issues, it may give them the confidence to move on to tackling the more difficult issues,” Rauer shared.

Accepting the good and the bad is solid advice, provided the bad isn't something abusive or damaging in some way. Expecting our partners to be perfect or holding them to an unachievable standard leads to conflict and resentment.

And bending? That's key. Marriage is a give-and-take, two-way relationship and both parties have to be flexible.

As for the 2 o'clock in the morning answer, well that's open to interpretation. But it seems pretty clear that the shared attraction that brought them together is still alive and well.

Yair interviews a lot of people in their golden years who share their wisdom and life lessons. You can follow him on TikTok here.


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Family

The pope shared his advice for a happy marriage and he only needed three words

via Wikimedia Commons

Pope Francis greeting his followers.

Living through 20 months of a worldwide pandemic has definitely taken a toll on everyone’s mental health. It’s also had a significant effect on marriages and families.

A recent group of studies cited by PBS found that the pandemic has created a range of parental stressors, such as school closures, job losses and interruptions in care for children with chronic diseases.

Parents are also dealing with higher levels of stress, clinical anxiety and depression.

A study out of Canada found that 44.3% of parents with children reported worse mental health as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic compared to 35.6% of respondents without children.

On Sunday, Pope Francis released a letter aimed at families called, “Christmas present to married couples," with some advice for those trying to keep their families healthy in troubled times.

“For some couples, the enforced living conditions during the quarantine were particularly difficult. Pre-existing problems were aggravated, creating conflicts that in some cases became almost unbearable,” the pope wrote. “Many even experienced the breakup of a relationship that had to deal with a crisis that they found hard or impossible to manage. I would like them, too, to sense my closeness and my affection.”

The pope provided some hope in the letter by reminding his followers of three simple words that can work miracles in marriages.

“May every family be a place of acceptance and understanding,” he wrote. “Think about the advice I gave you on the importance of those three little words: ‘please, thanks, sorry.’”

The pope’s advice may seem just like common sense, but it works. According to Positive Psychology, research has found that forgiveness among married couples improves their commitment, conflict resolution skills and overall relationship quality.

It's important to remember that forgiveness works both ways. It's great for those who have been forgiven but it also improves the mental well-being of those who are able to accept an apology. According to Psychology Today, "An apology actually affects the bodily functions of the person receiving it—blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows and breathing becomes steadier."

He also repeated an oft-cited piece of marriage advice, don’t go to bed angry. “After every argument, ‘don’t let the day end without making peace,’” the pope urged.

The pope says that the failure to make peace before bedtime can cause resentments to ferment. “How many times, unfortunately, conflicts originate within the domestic walls due to prolonged periods of silence and from unchecked selfishness!” he wrote. “Sometimes it even ends up in physical and moral violence. This lacerates harmony and kills the family.”

He also urged people to put down their phones and talk to one another. “It’s sad to see a family at lunch, each one with his or her own cell phone not speaking to one another, everyone talking to the mobile phone,” he wrote.

The pope’s advice may not have been world-shattering but at a time when many people are at their wit’s end, it’s important to be reminded that one of the most important gifts that we can give to one another is grace.

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'Your kids do not come first': Texas dad's controversial parenting opinions stir up debate

via Unsplash

Matt Martin, 28, of Dallas, Texas has created a bit of a stir on the internet for writing a piece on marriage published by Love What Matters. Martin is a performer who wrote, directed, and starred in a 2016 version of "Little Mermaid" and wrote 2018's "Inhumane" starring Michelle Money.

In his piece, the father of young twin boys, stresses that a marriage is between two people (possibly three) and that children should not come first. Martin starts the article by claiming that a marriage is between two people and God and that their relationship should take precedence over all others.

"My Aunt Steph, one of the smartest, most blunt people I know, told me before I got married, 'People say you marry the family too. That's not true. Your marriage is between you two.' I'm not saying your family isn't important. I value my family a lot (not as much as my wife does, but still…). You need them to lean on when life gets hard and to lift you guys up, but I didn't marry her mom and she didn't marry my dad. We had to learn to go to each other first when life threw us curveballs, instead of instinctually going to our parents. We're a family now, and that family comes first."

Martin believes that being married and having children shouldn't prevent you from achieving your personal goals. In fact, our partners are here to support us in achieving them.

Personally, I think this is a very important point in a relationship. If your spouse is a hindrance to you achieving your personal goals instead of a source of support, there may be serious troubles in your relationship.

Our pastor told us in a pre-marital counseling session, that as a couple we'd have goals, and as individuals we would have goals. To succeed as a couple, we would both tackle those goals. Sometimes I would be the captain (like when tackling mine) and sometimes Sara would be. But we'd both be working towards that goal. That's the beauty of marriage. You've got this life partner to raise you up. Like Kim and Kanye.



This is the part that has people talking:

A big humongous monstrosity of a lesson I've learned that I PRAY that all of you will strongly take into consideration, is that your kids do not come first. Our kids are sooo important and are the future and all that fun jazz, but what's best for them is a beautiful example of two people who love each other (and God). Another great thing for them to know is that they are not the center of the universe. Sorry if you're reading this in the future, Jack and Cam and any other children we may have had, but you're not the center of my universe. Sometimes I've wanted you to be really badly, but that's not going to do you any favors, and it won't do me any favors when you leave home (please leave home). You can't put your spouse on the back burner for eighteen years and then say 'Oh, hey, you can be my number one again.'

Here, Martin makes an important point about parenting. He believes that raising children who believe they are the center of the universe is bad for them in the long run. It's true. Children who are raised thinking they should be catered to are going to learn some very hard lessons when they become an adult.

When parents cater to a child's every whim it leads to a sense of entitlement that, as an adult, can result in depression and poor relationships.

The piece stirred up a passionate discussion on the Batdad Facebook page where some agreed that marriage should be the primary relationship in a family, while others think that a child's needs come first.

Some believe that putting your marriage first creates a better environment where children can thrive.

"A marriage needs to come first. An unstable home is detrimental to children's psychological and emotional wellbeing. My spouse and I will make our children wait for our attention of we are having a discussion that is important … I prioritize my marriage and my children flourish and thrive because of it," — Natalie

"I feel like you should put yourself first before your kids. If you aren't in a good place, it will reflect onto everything else," — Christine

While others believe that adults should put their needs second to those of their kids.

"Sanctimonious at best.... my wife and I have always put our children first.... we have love and mutual respect for each other and that will never change! But raising our children will always be a priority because it's a job that transcends anything else.... if you're married to someone who insists that they are a priority over the children you both brought into this world.... is basically selfish ... self absorbed and self centered!" — Jeff

"My kids will always be first. My husband is an adult who can take care of himself and who understands when my kids need me. We still make time to watch movies together and be with each other," — Olivia

You can read Martin's entire piece at Love What Matters.

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