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If you do this weird thing with your finger, it'll actually make you a better listener

The body is wired in strange ways.

via Canva/Photos

A woman listening intently and some fingers on a desk chair.

Have you ever gone on a date and were afraid you may not be able to pay perfect attention to the person you’re seeing because you’ll be in a noisy restaurant or club? Have you ever been to a networking event and had difficulty hearing people because of loud music or the rattling of plates and glasses? Find it hard to listen to a child tell how they got hurt while playing on a noisy playground?

We all encounter situations where it might be a little difficult to understand the people we are speaking to. However, a new study out of Aix-Marseille University in France shows a way to improve your hearing and listening comprehension in chaotic environments significantly. Strangely enough, it involves your fingers.

How to improve listening in loud places.

In three separate studies, the researchers found that tapping your finger in a medium rhythmic pattern, about two taps a second, can increase your ability to hear and comprehend what people are saying. The medium pace follows what’s known as the “lexical word rate,” or how quickly people speak.

conversation, night out, club, restaurant, scienceHear each other better.via Canva/Photos

“The motor system is known to process temporal information, and moving rhythmically while listening to a melody can improve auditory processing," the scientists wrote in their report. "In three interrelated behavioral experiments, we demonstrate that this effect translates to speech processing. Motor priming improves the efficiency of subsequent naturalistic speech-in-noise processing under specific conditions."

In plain English, the scientists mean that moving to music helps our brains hear better. They also found that it can improve understanding of speech in noisy places.

The scientists thought that music might play a role in improving listening and comprehension. So, they did an experiment where people listened to some songs before their hearing was tested, and that didn’t improve things very much. But they found that people who performed physical tasks, such as dancing or mild exercise, before having their listening checked found some improvement in speech recognition. But the best way was through “rhythmic priming,” meaning getting yourself ready by tapping out some beats.

dinner, date, conversation, quality, talking, listeningMake a better connection when you can actually hear and absorb what someone is saying. via Canva/Photos

"These findings provide evidence for the functional role of the motor system in processing the temporal dynamics of naturalistic speech," the researchers noted.

Why is it important to be a good listener?

Improving listening skills can be a huge advantage, whether looking to make friends, advance your career, or meet the person of your dreams. While great talkers often get all the attention and accolades, people with excellent listening skills are likely to be seen as likable when making a first impression.

group, conversation, crowd, listening, hearing, understandingNo matter how noisy it is, you can make the other person feel heard. via Canva/Photos

Matt Abrahams, a Stanford communications expert and host of the Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast, says that people should stop feeling the pressure to be interesting and instead work to be interested.

“A lot of us put tremendous pressure on ourselves to be interesting,” Abrahams told Inc. “We want to say exciting, valuable, relevant stuff, and it’s the wrong mindset. I think many of us see small talk as a tennis match where the goal is to get the ball over the net and score. I think we should see it more like hacky sack. The goal is to serve it to the person so they can get it and serve it back to you. Success is when you all work together.”

Being a great listener is a superpower that most people overlook. It gives you a distinct advantage over others, whether you’re trying to get a second date or a promotion. Now, we can improve our listening and comprehension in distracting environments by tapping out our favorite song on our index fingers before the big sit-down.

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Stanford communications expert says this is the best way to start a conversation

It works for parties, work and relationships.

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Two coworkers making small talk.

One thing that makes people anxious when they have to make small talk is that they feel compelled to be interesting and put on a show. They think they have to wow the person they’re talking to with their wit, insights and stories.

However, Matt Abrahams, a Stanford communications expert and host of the "Think Fast, Talk Smart" podcast, says that people shouldn’t feel pressured to be interesting at all.

“A lot of us put tremendous pressure on ourselves to be interesting,” Abrahams told Inc. “We want to say exciting, valuable, relevant stuff, and it’s the wrong mindset. I think many of us see small talk as a tennis match where the goal is to get the ball over the net and score. I think we should see it more like hacky sack. The goal is to serve it to the person so they get and can serve it back to you. Success is when you all work together.”

Simply put, “the goal is to be interested, not interesting,” Abrahams said, paraphrasing matchmaker and author Rachel Greenwald.

“It’s about curiosity,” Abrahams says. “Starting with questions, observing things in context, bringing up relevant information. So, if you’re at a corporate event, you could talk about the keynote speech. If you’re at a cocktail party, you could talk about what’s happening in the room.” Most importantly, he says, “avoid the doom loops of ‘Hi, how are you?’ ‘Fine, how are you?’ And then you’re nowhere better off.”

It all boils down to the idea that people love being heard and asked questions. People often say that when they meet someone who listens well, they are an interesting person. This also points to the fact that we’re so used to the person we’re talking to just waiting for a chance to speak that it is refreshing to be with someone who is all ears.

Patti DeNucci, known as the Intentional Networker, believes that Dale Carnegie coined the phrase in “How to Make Friends and Influence People,” where he shares his axiom: “To be interesting, be interested.” She adds that Carnegie believes that people should be genuinely interested in others but also have a lot of interests.

DeNucci says we should strive for “living a good life,” which includes interests in cultural, academic, and travel pursuits. “After all, when we’re interested in many things, there’s a better chance we will be more equipped to take an interest in what others have to say,” DeNucci says. “And, in turn, we’ll also have something interesting to add to the conversation to keep it going, expanding, deepening.”



Carnegie’s thoughts on the power of listening were proven in a 2016 study that on sales calls, that did an excellent job of quantifying the amount we should speak versus listening during a conversation. A marketing director at Gong.io analyzed 25,537 sales calls and found that the interactions where the salesperson listened 57% of the time and talked 43% of the time had the highest sales yield.

This is known as the 43:57 rule.

Hopefully, these insights will make everyone who feels nervous about going to their next party feel a bit more confident walking into a room, knowing they’ll be a big hit simply by being genuinely interested in people. It also reminds the talkative bunch out there that people will probably like you more if you keep your mouth shut.

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Want to be an excellent conversationalist? You should know the 43:57 rule.

It works for dating, friendships and business.

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A couple havng a fun coversation on a date

When we think about gifted conversationalists, we’re more likely to think of great talkers—those who wow us with their insights, wit, and charm. However, communication experts believe that if you want to make a great impression on someone, knowing how to listen goes a long way.

Those of us who love being verbose may think the world loves us because of how well we can talk. But the person sitting in front of you has a lot to say, and nothing makes them feel better during a conversation than your undivided attention.

As the old saying goes, we never quite remember everything someone has said to us, but we’ll never forget how they made us feel. When you actively listen to your conversation partner, they feel that you value them and are receptive to their needs. It also eases any feelings of conflict or resentment.

After a good conversation, the person you spoke with should think, “Wow, that person really gets me,” instead of, “It was like I didn’t even exist.”

A study from 2016 on sales calls did an excellent job of quantifying the amount we should speak versus listen during a conversation. A marketing director at Gong.io analyzed 25,537 sales calls using artificial intelligence and found that the interactions where the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened 57% of the time had the highest sales yield.

This finding has come to be known as the 43:57 rule.


Even though the study was conducted on business calls, the reason that it works should apply to social conversations as well. Paying more attention helps a salesperson identify the client's needs and makes them feel comfortable spending money because they know it's with someone who understands their interests.

It’s the same as a social situation where the person you speak to wants to know they are valued and you respect what they say.

This is excellent advice, but sometimes it’s hard to listen when you’re in a fun conversation and have a lot to say. Kate Murphy, author of "You’re Not Listening," says it’s all about staying calm.

"Deep breaths are always good. They're always good. Because it...calms down that fear response. It helps you get more centered,” Murphy told WBUR. “But also to develop your curiosity. Like I said, make it more important to be curious than to be right. And to go into every conversation with that mindset of how could I be wrong? Instead of, let me prove how I'm right.”

“That's how you develop creative ideas. It's how you cooperate. It's how you find middle ground, or at least a peaceable existence,” Murphy added.

The idea that to be a great conversationalist one should master the art of listening is a bit counterintuitive. But, if you feel that you have a lot to say in conversations and can be interesting to listen to, imagine how great that’ll make others feel when you show that you enjoy listening to them as well. It’s a virtuous cycle where everyone wins.


This article originally appeared on 3.7.23

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