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Stop struggling with small talk by using the easy 'FLIP method'

This'll make your next party a lot easier.

via CottonbroStudio/Pexels

Three people having a polite chat at a party.

There are numerous reasons why some don’t like making small talk. There are those of us who don’t enjoy it because, usually, it means having to feign interest in boring topics. Others don’t like small talk because they get nervous around strangers and are either afraid they’ll say something that makes them look dumb or that there will be a lull in conversation that makes every second feel like a decade.

The problem is that small talk is a fantastic interpersonal skill that can significantly benefit your professional life and make it easier to build relationships. The good news is that Oliver N Mark, a Substack user, created an easy-to-use script called the FLIP method that makes it easy to have small talk with just about anyone. You just have to remember the acronym: FLIP.

What is the FLIP method?

Oliver N Mark says that instead of “freezing up and overthinking,” he can now start and “hold conversations without forcing anything.” Here’s the FLIP method explained:

F – From → Ask about their background (“You sound like you might be from the UK?”)

L – Location → Use the environment (“What brings you here?”)

I – Interests → Find common ground (“What’s something you could talk about for hours?”)

P – Personalise → Make them feel seen (“That’s a cool necklace; does it have a story?”)


From

Everyone is from somewhere, and people’s origins are a big part of their identity, so you'll never go wrong asking someone where they were born.

“You sound like you are from New York.”

“Are you from around here?”

“When did you move here, or were you always from Los Angeles?”

Location

Even if you just met someone, you both have something in common. You are in the same place. Use that to your advantage by asking some location-based questions.

“Do you come here often?”

“What do you think of the artwork at this place?”

“What brings you here?”



Interests

Everyone loves to talk about their hobbies, the things they follow, or they love to read about. When they start talking, be sure to practice active listening, as the conversation could take an entirely new direction at any moment.

“What could you talk about for days?”

“What’s the last book you’ve read?”

“What do you do in your spare time?”

Personalize

Everyone loves the unique feeling of being noticed. If you genuinely point out something unique about someone, they'll really appreciate the compliment.

“Those are some great-looking shoes. Where did you get them?”

“You have a soothing accent. Where are you from?”

“What’s the story behind your tattoo?”

Another popular method for making small talk, similar to Oliver N. Mark’s FLIP method, is the FORD method, which stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams.


How much should I listen versus talk in a conversation?

Also, it’s essential not to forget that one of the most important aspects of making great small talk is being a good listener. But how long should you listen versus talk? A 2016 study on sales calls published by Gong.io found that interactions in which the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened 57% of the time had the highest sales yield. This is known as the 43:57 rule and is a great one to follow if you want to make a great impression on someone.

Mastering the art of small talk can be a massive game-changer for your personal and professional life. Hopefully, you will find that the FLIP and FORD methods help you have more relaxed, natural conversations. It’s a little tricky at first, but with a little practice, you should be able to turn small talk into meaningful conversations and joyful relationships.

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Want to be an excellent conversationalist? You should know the 43:57 rule.

It works for dating, friendships and business.

via Pexels

A couple havng a fun coversation on a date

When we think about gifted conversationalists, we’re more likely to think of great talkers—those who wow us with their insights, wit, and charm. However, communication experts believe that if you want to make a great impression on someone, knowing how to listen goes a long way.

Those of us who love being verbose may think the world loves us because of how well we can talk. But the person sitting in front of you has a lot to say, and nothing makes them feel better during a conversation than your undivided attention.

As the old saying goes, we never quite remember everything someone has said to us, but we’ll never forget how they made us feel. When you actively listen to your conversation partner, they feel that you value them and are receptive to their needs. It also eases any feelings of conflict or resentment.

After a good conversation, the person you spoke with should think, “Wow, that person really gets me,” instead of, “It was like I didn’t even exist.”

A study from 2016 on sales calls did an excellent job of quantifying the amount we should speak versus listen during a conversation. A marketing director at Gong.io analyzed 25,537 sales calls using artificial intelligence and found that the interactions where the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened 57% of the time had the highest sales yield.

This finding has come to be known as the 43:57 rule.


Even though the study was conducted on business calls, the reason that it works should apply to social conversations as well. Paying more attention helps a salesperson identify the client's needs and makes them feel comfortable spending money because they know it's with someone who understands their interests.

It’s the same as a social situation where the person you speak to wants to know they are valued and you respect what they say.

This is excellent advice, but sometimes it’s hard to listen when you’re in a fun conversation and have a lot to say. Kate Murphy, author of "You’re Not Listening," says it’s all about staying calm.

"Deep breaths are always good. They're always good. Because it...calms down that fear response. It helps you get more centered,” Murphy told WBUR. “But also to develop your curiosity. Like I said, make it more important to be curious than to be right. And to go into every conversation with that mindset of how could I be wrong? Instead of, let me prove how I'm right.”

“That's how you develop creative ideas. It's how you cooperate. It's how you find middle ground, or at least a peaceable existence,” Murphy added.

The idea that to be a great conversationalist one should master the art of listening is a bit counterintuitive. But, if you feel that you have a lot to say in conversations and can be interesting to listen to, imagine how great that’ll make others feel when you show that you enjoy listening to them as well. It’s a virtuous cycle where everyone wins.


This article originally appeared on 3.7.23

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