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How do you end a conversation when someone won't stop talking? 17 people share their tricks.

Some people just can’t take a hint.

via Canva/Photos

A woman who talks far too much.

There are people among us who have no idea that a conversation should be a balanced back-and-forth between two or more people. Instead, they monopolize the conversation, going on and on without letting anyone get a word in edgewise. What’s worse is that they often have no idea how to take a hint and miss all of the verbal and nonverbal clues that they should stop.

These situations can be incredibly frustrating because you don’t want to be rude and tell them to stop, especially if it's a coworker or someone you have to see every day. But, at the same time, they are being incredibly rude by taking up your time and they're being selfish by not allowing you to contribute to the discussion.

A Redditor on the Social Skills subforum was fed up with a coworker who wouldn’t stop talking and asked the posters for some help. “There's this person at work who will corner me in the break room and talk for 20+ minutes about random stuff,” the person wrote. “They're nice enough, but I just want to eat my lunch in peace sometimes. I've tried saying ‘Well, I should get back to work,’ but they just keep talking. What are some polite but firm ways to extract myself from these conversations?”

The posters provided numerous verbal and nonverbal cues to get out of conversations with someone who won’t stop talking. Many also reiterated the point that it’s not rude to get up and walk away from someone who won’t shut up, especially if they were being inconsiderate in the first place.

Here are 17 ways to end a conversation with someone who talks too much

1. Pause, walk away

"At the very first semi-break in the monologue (time their breathing if you have to), you say, 'It sounds like you had a really great time (or other filler appropriate to the discussion). I’d love to talk, but I’m on a tight schedule.' AND WALK AWAY WHILE YOU’RE TALKING. It’s the last part that’s crucial. Those people just will not stop."

"Just this morning I had to basically do that: 'I really must be going' with a smile and wave, standing up and walking away to a woman still talking."

2. Grab their arm

"If they don't stop talking long enough for you to say, 'Great talking with you, I gotta run,' then you put a hand on their arm and SAY IT ANYWAY. I know you say they're 'nice,' but those who take up others' time with excessive talking are not being nice. They may think they're nice, but TIME is your most valuable asset! Also, don't spend a lot of time worrying about appearing rude. (since they obviously aren't worried about that!) They are just looking for an audience, ANY audience. People like this don't take hints, and often don't take direct feedback well. They just keep doing it because it's compulsive."

3. Slap your knee and go

"At conferences and such I say something like 'lovely chatting, you’ve got my phone number let’s stay in touch, I’m going to circulate as there a few more people here I have to talk to before the event is over.' As I’m British, I can also just slap my knees and say 'right' and other people get the message."

Further explanation...

"While sitting down, literally slap your own knees (well, a little above the knees, really) so it makes a bit of a sound. When English or Australians do this, they say, "Right!" and then stand up, and everyone knows it's time to go."

- YouTube youtu.be

4. Walk 'em back

"I used to have an employee who would constantly stop working,(shipping department) wandering away to chat and gossip with everyone. Of course, it was a distraction for everyone. She would show up at my office and walk in already talking. So the minute she showed up I would stand and continue the discussion while walking her straight back to her work station. I would then remind her I have work to do and exit the conversation. I would do this multiple times a day."

5. Understand they are being rude

"The first thing to realize is that the 'monopolizing' offender is being inconsiderate (not caring about you, not thinking about you, not considering your interest level or needs) in the first place. They may be socially oblivious or more likely just so self-centered that they don't think about other people until they are forced to. That means you are perfectly justified if you have to use actions that might normally appear abrupt to protect yourself from them."

6. The 'anyway' get away

A good 'anyway' is a goofy way to break things up and move on. If they don't stop talking, you sometimes need to cut them off and move on. It may be rude, but who's wasting whose time in the situation?"

"Anyway... and get ur ass away from them."

7. Close the door

"I slowly closed the door while they kept talking. It felt like comedy lol. For me, it seemed rude, but I’m not sure that they registered what happened?"

"Don’t open the door. They are still talking."

8. Slow escalation

"These people are used to being told off. You start politely and keep escalating your 'Stop Talking' requests until they do. Each and every time. They’ll get it."

9. How to end a chatty meeting

"So one day we had this meeting with another company and that started happening, and the owner of the other company said 'good meeting!' And wow, the meeting was just over. And I realized even if I wasn’t the leader, I could do the same thing. Basically, anytime I’m in a meeting and it starts running down, I just say 'good meeting!' And the meeting is always over."

10. Try the blunt approach

"You don’t need to worry too much about being rude to them because they don’t get social cues anyway. Just say, 'No time for stories today. I need some downtime by myself.' And walk away even if they’re still talking."

"Exactly. Placating them by dodging the issue just kicks the discomfort down the road. Sure, it's blunt, but there's nothing wrong with coming right out and honestly saying 'Hey, sorry, I just want to have some quiet time.'"

11. Delay the conversation

"I had a similar coworker and honestly felt bad because I knew they were just lonely, but I also really need my lunch break to mentally reset. I just asked 'Can we catch up after work?' Then I’d sit down, pop my headphones in, or start eating. It felt weird at first, but they actually respected it once they realized it wasn’t personal, just me needing some space."

12. Play the opposite card

"'Hey, seems like you decompress by talking, but I decompress by having quiet time to myself. I don't think we're compatible to share break time.'"

13. Don't ask questions

"It is frustrating because you really can’t ask questions to this type of person. Even if you want to know something, the knowledge that their response will include a hundred more details than you needed makes me keep my mouth shut. Where is the self-awareness? Are they so eager to engage with others because they don’t understand why people tend to distance themselves from them, or because they overwhelm those who are too polite and don't know how to escape until it’s too late?"

14. The Uno reverse card

"In Ireland, we say 'well I’ll let you go, sure.'"

15. Set the conversation timer

"Before they start talking or right after, you can say you have only one minute. Around when you think it's been a minute, politely say you have to go or just walk away."

16. Compliment them, set rules

"I've dealt with this by approaching the person when they're not mid monologue, and going: 'Hey there. I really appreciate how friendly and outgoing you are, you're super genuine to talk to (clarifies it's a problem with the convos themselves, not a personal attack). I have some social anxiety, and I've noticed I have a hard time cutting into the convo around extroverts (neutral framing of core issue). I think we could figure out how to end our chats so that you don't feel like I cut you off, and I don't feel more anxious when I have to go ('we' puts y'all both on the same side to problem solve, not competing).'"

17. Act supremely disinterested

"If you're in a situation where you do not want to leave the space (ie, in the break room during a break) and they do this, that can be more difficult. In practice, for a coworker that you have to see every day and don't want to burn bridges with, your options outside of avoiding the space may be limited. you can try subtle techniques - ie, don't make eye contact or look up when they start talking at you, say hi softly/tiredly, keep saying, 'what?' repeatedly as tho you're distracted and not paying attention to what they're saying, check your phone a lot - but, some people are so oblivious/feel so entitled to your attention that it may not work."

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Education

Conflict experts share the 1 phrase to stop an argument before things get out of control

Here's how to stop it before it starts.

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A woman skillfully stops an argument.

Has getting into a heated argument with your significant other, a coworker, or a child ever solved anything? Probably not. Heated arguments often lead people down the dark path of personal attacks, animosity, and getting so riled up that they stop making sense altogether. However, conflict is a natural and healthy part of our daily lives, so it can be very productive when we know how to have productive disagreements.

"If no one ever argues, you’re not likely to give up on old ways of doing things, let alone try new ones. Disagreement is the antidote to groupthink,” organizational psychologist Adam Grant said, according to Psychology Today. “We’re at our most imaginative when we’re out of sync." So the big question is, how do we prevent heated arguments from happening and steer them to more productive territory instead?

conflict, arguments, disagreements, conflict management, psychology, Coworkers having an argument.via Canva/Photos

How to stop an argument from happening

A group of researchers at the University of Wisconsin found that it’s essential for people to create a safe environment for discussion, and the key to doing so is to ask open-ended questions that lead to points of agreement. Specifically, the researchers say to use “I” statements, such as “I feel frustrated” or “I feel concerned,” when expressing yourself during the disagreement. However, the most effective phrase is one that clearly directs the discussion toward agreement.

The best way to stop an argument is with the phrase: “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on.”

conflict, arguments, disagreements, conflict management, psychology, Coworkers come to an agreement.via Canva/Photos

There are 3 big reasons why the phrase is so effective at stopping arguments from happening. First, the phrase immediately changes the mindset of both people from the areas where they disagree to one of agreement. We are no longer arguing about why we like or don’t like pineapple on pizza. Instead, we’re not focusing on the toppings we enjoy, such as pepperoni or black olives. The person we disagree with is no longer an enemy but a collaborator.

Another big reason “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on” is such an effective phrase because it extinguishes the other person’s anger. When we search for a way to agree, we suddenly become an unappealing target for the other person’s rage.

Finally, this phase makes you the good guy in the disagreement because you are looking for a positive solution. You’ve just taken a right turn onto the high road and have become the rational party in the conversation. This tactic is especially effective when a third party, such as a boss or sibling, is involved in the disagreement and wants to see who is acting in good faith. This will encourage the person you’re having a dispute with to be more cooperative to save face.

conflict, arguments, disagreements, conflict management, psychology, Coworkers come to an agreement.via Canva/Photos

The key is to be genuine about seeking agreement and maintain a sincere tone when presenting your approach. Once the potential fight has been quelled, you can work together to reach the best possible agreement.

Using "I" statements also helps because we're avoiding using "you" statements. "Anyone who’s ever been in conflict with someone knows that hearing a you-statement is hearing yourself be blamed for something, identified as the problem. 'You never listen to me,' 'You’re always late,' 'Why are you so stubborn?' And even if you don’t know consciously that you're being blamed, your reflexive reaction of defensiveness tells you that you know it when you hear it," Gregg Levoy, author of "Vital Signs: The Nature and Nurture of Passion," writes in Psychology Today.

Learning how to prevent heated arguments can strengthen the relationship with the person you disagree with. Resolving a conflict together makes their relationship stronger and more enduring. So, a conflict can be a gift that you can use to skillfully bring yourself closer to someone. The key is to focus on the areas of agreement and to be sincere so you can resolve the issue together without leaving any lingering resentment.

This article originally appeared in January.

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Identity

My wife surprised her coworkers when she came out as trans. Then they surprised her.

She was ready for one reaction but was greeted with a beautiful response.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

Zoe comes out to her coworkers.

Society, pay attention. This is important.

My wife, Zoe, is transgender. She came out to us — the kids and me — last summer and then slowly spread her beautiful feminine wings with extended family, friends, and neighbors.

A little coming out here, a little coming out there — you know how it is.

It's been a slow, often challenging process of telling people something so personal and scary, but pretty much everyone has been amazing.

However, she dreaded coming out at the office.

She works at a large technology company, managing a team of software developers in a predominantly male office environment. She's known many of her co-workers and employees for 15 or so years. They have called her "he" and "him" and "Mr." for a very long time. How would they handle the change?

While we have laws in place in Ontario, Canada, to protect the rights of transgender employees, it does not shield them from awkwardness, quiet judgment, or loss of workplace friendships. Your workplace may not become outright hostile, but it can sometimes become a difficult place to go to every day because people only tolerate you rather than fully accept you.

But this transition needed to happen, and so Zoe carefully crafted a coming out email and sent it to everyone she works with.

The support was immediately apparent; she received about 75 incredibly kind responses from coworkers, both local and international.

She then took one week off, followed by a week where she worked solely from home. It was only last Monday when she finally went back to the office.

First day back at work! I asked if I could take a "first day of school" type picture with her lunchbox. She said no. Spoilsport.

Despite knowing how nice her colleagues are and having read so many positive responses to her email, she was understandably still nervous.

Hell, I was nervous. I made her promise to text me 80 billion times with updates and was more than prepared to go down there with my advocacy pants on if I needed to (I might be a tad overprotective).

And that's when her office pals decided to show the rest of us how to do it right.

She got in and found that a couple of them had decorated her cubicle to surprise her:

Her cubicle decorated with butterflies.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

Butterflies! Streamers! Rainbows! OMG!

And made sure her new name was prominently displayed in a few locations:

Zoe written on the board.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

They got her a beautiful lily with a "Welcome, Zoe!" card:

Welcome lily and card

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

And this tearjerker quote was waiting for her on her desk:

A quote from Oscar Wilde.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

To top it all off, a 10 a.m. "meeting" she was scheduled to attend was actually a coming out party to welcome her back to work as her true self — complete with coffee and cupcakes and handshakes and hugs.

Coming out party with cupcakes.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

(I stole one, and it was delicious.)

NO, I'M NOT CRYING. YOU'RE CRYING.

I did go to my wife's office that day. But instead of having my advocacy pants on, I had my hugging arms ready and some mascara in my purse in case I cried it off while thanking everyone.

I wish we lived in a world where it was no big deal to come out.

Sadly, that is not the case for many LGBTQ people. We live in a world of bathroom bills and "religious freedom" laws that directly target the members of our community. We live in a world where my family gets threats for daring to speak out for trans rights. We live in a world where we can't travel to certain locations for fear of discrimination — or worse.

So when I see good stuff happening — especially when it takes place right on our doorstep — I'm going to share it far and wide. Let's normalize this stuff. Let's make celebrating diversity our everyday thing rather than hating or fearing it.

Chill out, haters. Take a load off with us.

It's a lot of energy to judge people, you know. It's way more fun to celebrate and support them for who they are.

Besides, we have cupcakes.

This article originally appeared on 04.08.16.

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Breastfeeding can be a challenge all on its own. What happens when you add working to the mix?

Compared with the rest of the industrialized world (and much of the rest of the world, actually), the U.S. makes working parenthood difficult. As the only developed nation with no guaranteed paid family leave, many new parents find themselves having to return to work within a handful of weeks after having a baby.

Image by The DataFace, LLC.

And when you're a breastfeeding parent, that also means having to figure out how to pump breastmilk while balancing job duties. Sounds simple enough — if you've never pumped before. At best, it's a lot of work and not the most fun way to spend a break. At worst, an employer who is exempt from the federal requirements to provide time and space to breastfeed can make it darn near impossible to pump at the office. Even with time and space, some are never are able to pump efficiently.

For many, breastfeeding and working is doable, but difficult. But there's one thing that is proven to make it easier.

When coworkers are supportive, people have greater success with breastfeeding while working.

According to researchers at Michigan State and Texas Christian University, support from colleagues is a major factor in parents feeling confident that they can continue breastfeeding. In fact, surprisingly, coworker support has an even stronger effect than the support of family and friends.

One of the researchers' studies found that around 25% of participants decided to breastfeed while working because their employers created a breastfeeding-friendly environment. And about 15% said that direct support and motivation from supervisors and coworkers inspired them to keep breastfeeding after going back to work.

— (@)

The study data showed that simply going back to work was enough to make many folks decide to stop breastfeeding, but those who chose to continue cited colleague support as a primary factor.

"In order to empower women to reach their goals and to continue breastfeeding, it's critical to motivate all co-workers by offering verbal encouragement and practical help," said Joanne Goldbort, an assistant professor in the College of Nursing at MSU, who collaborated in the study. That means accepting that breastfeeders will need extra "breaks," encouraging and supporting them in taking those breaks, and providing a clean, quiet, private space for them to pump.

We've seen progress in the past decade, from laws supporting breastfeeders to better breast pumps.

Thanks to provisions of the Affordable Care Act, federal law mandates that employers provide time and a clean place to pump — a place that is not a bathroom. Not all employers are bound by that law, but it's a good start. And recently, the final two states passed laws protecting the right to breastfeed in public anywhere in the U.S.

In addition, technology keeps getting better and better. Those of us who breastfed a decade or two ago had no choice but to use pumps that were basically the human equivalent of a commercial milking machine. While they got the job done, they were cumbersome, uncomfortable, loud, and not particularly dignified.

Now there are pumps that you can wear inside a bra, with no tubes, no electrical hookups, and no bottles connected. I recently found out about this Willow breast pump and was blown away by how much better it is than what I had available when my kids were babies. While on the pricey side, it's whisper-quiet and can be totally hidden inside your clothing, so you could pump while working and no one would ever know. Mind. Blown.

With more and more working parents in the picture, we have to be creative and flexible when it comes to balancing breastfeeding with work.

There is a lot more America could do to help make breastfeeding easier for working parents. But until we catch up with the rest of the world in providing guaranteed paid leave, we'll have to approach breastfeeding and working as individual employees, employers, and coworkers.

The more we can voice our support for breastfeeding and make it easier for folks who work to get the time, space, and support they need to pump, the happier and healthier our communities will be.

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In the Sony hack in 2014, leaked emails publicly put a spotlight on the wage gap between male and female movie stars.

Actress Jennifer Lawrence had no idea that she was making less than her male co-stars in "American Hustle" until that information was leaked. She was, understandably, pretty ticked off.

Co-star Bradley Cooper was also upset. As a result, he said he would start revealing his salary information to female co-stars to help with their contract negotiations.

Cooper speaks to the crew of the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan during a USO tour in 2009. Image via Chad J. McNeeley/U.S. Navy/Wikimedia Commons.

Bradley Cooper pledging to reveal his salary to colleagues wasn’t just unusual because he’s a big-time celeb — it was unusual because Americans, quite frankly, hate talking about their salaries.

In the absence of leaked emails, we often have no idea how much our peers are making.

Think about it: Do you know how much money your friends make? What about your coworkers? Your parents? Your dog? (OK, your dog probably isn't making anything.)

Why are we so hesitant to discuss how much money we make?

Sharing salary information can be nerve-wracking — and for good reason.

Unspoken societal rules make it uncomfortable to talk openly about the subject, and some companies even have explicit policies against employees discussing wage information. It’s illegal for federal contractors to prohibit employee disclosure of compensation, but many companies (especially those in the private sector) do their best to discourage the dialogue anyway.

According to a Marist Poll, over 70% of adults in the U.S. don’t think private companies should be required to publish employee salary information internally or externally. The same poll showed that 66% of people want to keep their own salary info private.

Clearly, the whole topic is incredibly taboo.

Even this piggy bank won’t tell you how much money it has. Image via iStock.

Plus, there’s the concern that salary discussions will lead to nothing but resentment among employees who find out they’re earning less — or awkward feelings among those earning the most.

The poll above states that 58% of Americans think making salaries public "would cause conflict between employees rather than increasing fairness of pay within the company." After all, who wants to admit to their own hardworking friend that they’re paid a different amount, especially if they're working same job?

Despite the taboo, salary transparency has huge potential to protect against unfair wage discrepancies.

Think about it this way: If you find out you’re making less than a coworker and decide to talk to management about it, your boss has a couple of options. Yes, they could give you a raise (yay!), but they could also simply explain why you’re making less and give you a clear idea of what you would need to do to earn a raise (also yay!).

As long as there are strong, valid reasons for the wage discrepancy, the company has nothing to fear. As NPR puts it, "[salary] transparency is a defense against the games that bad bosses can play." What kind of games might that be? Ones that involve basing salaries and bonuses on factors like an employee’s race or gender.

Even in 2016, men typically make more money than women do for the same work. Image via iStock.

We may never know exactly why Jennifer Lawrence made so much less than her male co-stars in "American Hustle," but it’s not outrageous to assume the gap had something to do with her gender. What would the stars' salaries have looked like if Sony had an obligation to disclose them before the film was made?

Being open about salaries can also help with negotiating, budgeting, and even employee satisfaction.

That’s right. A PayScale survey of 71,000 employees found that “one of the top predictors of employee sentiment is a company's ability to communicate clearly about pay.” Even among employees who know they’re underpaid, 82% still feel "satisfied with their work" if the employer is honest about the reasons for that smaller paycheck.

And for those who are underpaid, knowing what your coworkers are making is a great starting point for negotiating your own compensation up to a fair place.

Whatever your number is, you can choose to keep it a total secret or shout it from the rooftops — it’s your call.

But the more conversations we have about why we have certain money norms, the easier it is for us all to determine which ones make sense and which ones may be causing us to sell ourselves short. And the better off we'll all be — financially and otherwise.

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