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Some tips for how to talk to your teen about watching porn. HINT: It's not to tell them to stop.

Porn has never been more available — or raunchier. What's it doing to kids' capacity for intimacy?

Who hasn't watched a little porn here and there?

You'd be hard-pressed to find a person who hasn't watched some porn or who doesn't enjoy it on an occasional basis. Generationally, though, the dynamics of porn have changed. Depending on your age, your ideas of what porn is and how it's affected your actual sex life will vary. But for the newest generations of sexually active youth, things have gotten pretty extreme.

I know of whence I speak, for I have a teenage son.

So what's the big deal with teens watching porn if everyone does it? Well, they are very different from adults. And times have changed.

The problem is that teenage porn use is not just a kid getting ahold of dad's girly magazine anymore. It's unfettered access to as much porn as a kid wants, as frequently as they want it, and with the ability to escalate to more and more extreme types as their brain desensitizes to it. And unfortunately, kids' brains are still very much in their formative years even in their late teens, so it's having an effect on the actual wiring of their sexual norms.

A study published in 2014 from Cambridge University tracked the behaviors of compulsive porn users:

Source: " Your Brain on Porn" based on findings from Cambridge University.

And that's not to mention the effect it has on women's perceived expectations of themselves and their partners' expectations of them because of porn's depictions. When even women's orgasms are shown as a caricaturized performance in service of pleasing a man, something gets really skewed in terms of what women can hope to experience for their own fulfillment.

OK, but what can we even do about it?

You could try frequent, random, and unannounced appearances in your kids' room to make them too paranoid to take advantage of "alone time." Or you could creatively find ways to make sure the family pet is always in there in the hopes that they'd be too wigged out to watch porn while Whiskers McButtonNose is looking on.

Image (text added) by John of Wales/Flickr.

But that seems like a lot more work and way less reliable than just talking with teens about it. Here's how I did it:

I sent my son some links to a documentary about what it can do to a developing teen's brain to gorge on porn (he was about 15 at the time). I asked him to find me and talk to me after he was done watching the documentary — I wanted to let him have some control about when the conversation happened, so it could be more productive and not feel like an ambush.

When he did, we talked about the research. It wasn't the most comfortable conversation in the world, but it also wasn't the worst. I let him know I didn't think it was shameful for him to watch porn, that I know a lot of people do, and that I wasn't going to place any unrealistic expectations on him to never watch porn.

I asked him what points the movie made that really hit home for him. I noted that porn and masturbation do not necessarily go hand-in-hand (SORRY). I also suggested he may benefit from thinking about what parameters he wanted to set for himself, like:

  • Is there a frequency of watching it he doesn't want to exceed in order to feel good about himself? (He decided that a couple of times a week was enough for him, and it was definitely a step back from the frequency he had been engaging in).
  • Is there a threshold of porn extremity he doesn't want to surpass in order to feel like he's not violating his own deeply empathetic nature? (He decided he just had no interest in watching anything that seemed sadistic and made a promise to himself — not me — that he'd shut it down and find something else if something crossed that line.)

The point really was that I can't waltz into my son's private life and think I'm going to dictate what choices he'll make. I mean, I could have had a parental power struggle that escalated into me taking away his computer and Internet unless he does what I say, but I don't think that would have taught him what he really needs to navigate this stuff — self-regulation.

So what happened with my son?

I noticed after our talk that he was spending a lot less time in his room doing ... "room things" and a lot more time with other people. He seems happier and no longer carries the ever-present sense of dissatisfaction and frustration of wondering if his real life will ever match up to what he's being told his sex life should be. He got to make a thoughtful and deliberate choice for himself on his own terms.

GIF from "30 Rock."

When you let a teen know that their porn habits today could affect their ability to have a fulfilling sexual relationship — a real one — down the road, some kids will care.

Of course, some kids just won't either. But at least this way, they're getting a chance to make a choice instead of just being railroaded into a lifetime of warped sexual norms without a shot at doing it differently. Porn companies don't care about your kids' health and well-being, so don't let them be the only influence weighing in on this.

It all starts with adults acknowledging the reality of teens' daily lives. We can do this, folks.

And for some more good, research based talk about it all, check out this really enlightening TED Talk by Gail Dines on bringing kids up in a "pornified culture." (Be warned: It's a very frank discussion about sexuality, and the f-word is prevalent throughout.)

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A 3-word method can help you make relaxed small talk that doesn't feel like an interview

Injecting some personality can make things a lot more fun.

via Canva/Photos

A man and woman chatting over some wine.

A lot of people are uncomfortable making small talk, but it’s an essential skill that can make or break your love life, career, and social experiences. Many people believe that being good at chatting with others is something innate, but those who excel at it work at their craft and pick up small tips along the way to become better communicators.

One of the tricks that all great communicators know is that you will be more likable when you're more interested than interesting. Study after study shows that people love talking about themselves, and if you ask people more questions, they will like you a lot more than if you did all the talking. So, how do we do this without creating a one-sided conversation where your conversation partner learns nothing about you? The folks at the Science of People have shared the statement-plus question technique.

The statement-plus technique

“One of the smoothest ways to keep conversation flowing is to share a brief personal statement followed by a question,” the Science of People writes. “This technique accomplishes two things: it gives the other person information about you (making you seem more approachable and interesting) while also redirecting focus to them.”

small talk, conversation, office party, people talking, wine Coworkers having a nice conversation.via Canva/Photos

Here are some examples:

Instead of asking “What do you do for work?” say:

“I’m a writer for Upworthy, and I enjoy seeing my work read by millions of people. What excites you about your job?”

Instead of asking, “Where do you live?” try:

“I live in Long Beach, California, and it’s really nice living by the ocean. What do you love the most about where you live?”

Instead of asking, “How do you know the person who threw the party?” say:

“I met Sarah at a church meeting seven years ago. Do you remember the first time you met her?”

These questions enable you to discuss yourself while maintaining the focus on the other person. They are also open-ended, so you don’t just get a one-word answer. You learn their job and what excites them about it. You know where they live, and they get to brag about what they like about the city. The technique also broadens the conversation because, according to the psychological phenomenon known as reciprocal self-disclosure, people are more likely to disclose things about themselves after you share something about yourself.

- YouTube youtu.be

What is reciprocal self-disclosure?

“The most likely result of your self-disclosure is that other people will do the same. In the field of communication, we refer to this as 'reciprocity.' When you share information about yourself, the most likely result is that people will start to disclose a similar type of information from their own lives," communication coach Alexander Lyon says. "In our presentations, we talk about this as a magic wand. Disclosure is the closest thing we have to a magic wand in terms of a concept in communication. When you disclose, other people almost automatically reciprocate."

Ultimately, people love to talk about themselves, and if you give them the opportunity, they will like you more for it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reveal some aspects of yourself at the same time while keeping the focus on them. The statement-plus question technique allows you to reveal some things about yourself while making the other person feel seen and comfortable telling you more about themselves. It’s sure to elevate your small talk to something more substantial in a relaxed way that doesn’t feel like an interview.

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27 English words people have a hard time enunciating properly, even native speakers

"The word I notice people struggle with is 'vulnerable'. Something about that N following an L is tricky."

Image via Canva/Povozniuk

English words that are difficult to enunciate.

The English language is hard to master, even for native speakers. With over an estimated one million words in the language, not only are English words hard to memorize—they can be hard to properly pronounce and enunciate.

On the subreddit r/words, a person posed the question: "What's a word you've noticed many native English speakers have difficulty enunciating even though the word is used fairly often?"

Turns out, there are a menagerie of words people notoriously stumble over. These are 27 English words that people say are the hardest to enunciate.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"The word I notice people struggle with is 'vulnerable'. Something about that N following an L is tricky." - common_grounder

"Rural." - Silent-Database5613

“'Nucular' for nuclear." - throwawayinthe818

"Remuneration v renumeration (first one is correct)." - RonanH69

"Exacerbated vs exasperated." - SNAFU-lophagus

"I hear grown adults calling wolves woofs and they're not doing it to be funny." - asexualrhino

"'Asterisk'. A lot of people wind up inadvertently name-checking Asterix. I think it's best for those who struggle to use the alternative name for that punctuation mark, the 'Nathan Hale', after the American patriot who famously declared, 'I can only regret that I have but one asterisk for my country!'" - John_EightThirtyTwo

"Jewelry." - weinthenolababy

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"Mirror. Some people pronounce it 'meer'." - weinthenolababy, diversalarums

"I realized recently I have always mispronounced mischievous. It's mis-chiv-us, not mis-chee-vee-us. I don't know if I've ever heard anyone pronounce that correctly." - callmebigley

"ET cetera, not 'ect' cetera. I think people are used to seeing the abbreviation etc and since there is no diphthong tc in English their mind bends it into ect." - AdFrequent4623

"February. It sounds like you're pronouncing it like it's spelled Febuary. But it's spelled February." - SDF5-0, ShadedSpaces

"'Supposebly' [supposedly]. Drives me up the wall." - BlushBrat

"Library. My coworker knows I hate it, so he’ll say Liberry every time." - Jillypenny

"The amount of people who say Pacific when they're trying to stay specific is pretty alarming. I'm not even sure if they know it's a different word sometimes." - Global-Discussion-41

"Then there was my old boss who would confidently and consistently use the word tenant when he meant tenet." - jaelith

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"'Mute' for moot. A good friend of mine, who's extremely intelligent and articulate otherwise, says that. Unfortunately, it's a word she likes to use. I haven't had the heart to tell her she's pronouncing it incorrectly, and it's been three decades." NewsSad5006, common_grounder

"Probably." - Rachel_Silver

"I can’t say the phrase 'rear wheel' without considerable effort." - ohn_the_quain

"Anthropomorphize is a word I have to use semi-frequently with limited success each attempt." - ohn_the_quain

"Turmeric. People drop the first R. It drives me nuts!" - Jillypenny

"Oh, and it’s espresso, no X [ex-presso]." - Jillypenny

espresso, espresso gif, sipping espresso, espresso drink, drinking espresso sipping modern family GIF Giphy

"Also cardamom with an N." - nemmalur

"Crayon 👑. My ex pronounced it 'cran'. Drove me up a wall." - rickulele, premeditatedlasagna

"Contemplate. It's one of those word I hear people stumble over more than anything, often it comes out as Comtemplate, Contempate or a combination of both." - megthebat49

"Pumpkin (punkin)." - evlmgs

"Eraser (erasure, but they're talking about the pink rubber thing)." - evlmgs

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Mental Health

Happiness researcher explains how making a 'reverse bucket list' can change your life

Counterintuitive in our culture, but effective.

Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons

Harvard researcher Arthur C. Brooks studies what leads to human happiness.

We live in a society that prizes ambition, celebrating goal-setting, and hustle culture as praiseworthy vehicles on the road to success. We also live in a society that associates successfully getting whatever our hearts desire with happiness. The formula we internalize from an early age is that desire + ambition + goal-setting + doing what it takes = a successful, happy life.

But as Harvard University happiness researcher Arthur C. Brooks has found, in his studies as well as his own experience, that happiness doesn't follow that formula. "It took me too long to figure this one out," Brooks told podcast host Tim Ferris, explaining why he uses a "reverse bucket list" to live a happier life.

bucket list, wants, desires, goals, detachment Many people make bucket lists of things they want in life. Giphy

Brooks shared that on his birthday, he would always make a list of his desires, ambitions, and things he wanted to accomplish—a bucket list. But when he was 50, he found his bucket list from when he was 40 and had an epiphany: "I looked at that list from when I was 40, and I'd checked everything off that list. And I was less happy at 50 than I was at 40."

As a social scientist, he recognized that he was doing something wrong and analyzed it.

"This is a neurophysiological problem and a psychological problem all rolled into one handy package," he said. "I was making the mistake of thinking that my satisfaction would come from having more. And the truth of the matter is that lasting and stable satisfaction, which doesn't wear off in a minute, comes when you understand that your satisfaction is your haves divided by your wants…You can increase your satisfaction temporarily and inefficiently by having more, or permanently and securely by wanting less."

Brooks concluded that he needed a "reverse bucket list" that would help him "consciously detach" from his worldly wants and desires by simply writing them down and crossing them off.

"I know that these things are going to occur to me as natural goals," Brooks said, citing human evolutionary psychology. "But I do not want to be owned by them. I want to manage them." He discussed moving those desires from the instinctual limbic system to the conscious pre-frontal cortex by examining each one and saying, "Maybe I get it, maybe I don't," but crossing them off as attachments. "And I'm free…it works," he said.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"When I write them down, I acknowledge that I have the desire," he explained on X. "When I cross them out, I acknowledge that I will not be attached to this goal."

The idea that attachment itself causes unhappiness is a concept found in many spiritual traditions, but it is most closely associated with Buddhism. Mike Brooks, PhD, explains that humans need healthy attachments, such as an attachment to staying alive and attachments to loved ones, to avoid suffering. But many things to which we are attached are not necessarily healthy, either by degree (over-attachment) or by nature (being attached to things that are impermanent).

"We should strive for flexibility in our attachments because the objects of our attachment are inherently in flux," Brooks writes in Psychology Today. "In this way, we suffer unnecessarily when we don't accept their impermanent nature."

What Arthur C. Brooks suggests that we strive to detach ourselves from our wants and desires because the simplest way to solve the 'haves/wants = happiness' formula is to reduce the denominator. The reverse bucket list, in which you cross off desires before you fulfill them, can help free you from attachment and lead to a happier overall existence.

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Kids

This photo of a school lunch in South Korea sparked a debate about how American kids eat

It's certainly making adults' mouths water, though.

Canva

A young boy reaches for food at a buffet

School lunch in the United States has a complicated history. While many of us who grew up in the 80s or 90s are nostalgic for some of the menu items we remember fondly (rectangle pizza, anyone?), some of the serving choices were bizarre. We really grew up with someone handing us a tray of pizza, french fries, chocolate milk, and soggy green beans every morning at 10:30am.

The offerings have improved somewhat over the years, but everything's still so... beige. The main choices are typically pizza, chicken nuggets, or some form of questionable ground beef like burgers or meatloaf. Some people are stunned when they find out that school lunches from around the world can look very different.

A photo of lunch served at a school in South Korea recently went viral and had everyone's mouth watering.


from pics

A user on Reddit posted the photos to r/pics where they immediately racked up over 17,000 upvotes.

The colors on the tray stick out immediately, most notably the noodles covered in creamy red sauce. But it's really the stuffed lobster tail that's the star of this particular tray; potentially lobster thermidor.

You expect to see some cultural differences in the food offerings in different countries. Korean food is inherently different than American food in a number of ways. But Americans love lobster! Yet can you imagine American schools serving lobster tail to kids under any circumstances?

school lunch, South Korea, American food, nutrition, viral photo, Reddit, food culture, kids health, parenting, food debate Lobster dinner with a glass of beerCanva

The response from mostly-American users was fascinating. Some were in awe while others rightly pointed out why a lunch like this would never fly in the USA.

One of the main sentiments was that school lunches in other countries often put ours to utter shame:

"I used to teach in Korea and the lunches were always amazing, the beef and quails egg stew was a constant highlight."

"I studied in Korea for 6 months on uni exchange. The food at the uni cafeteria looked just like this, and was 10/10. My private room at the uni lodge was $500USD for the WHOLE semester, and included unlimited food."

"I live in Spain and my kid's school invited the parents to taste lunch one day. It was fantastic. Also, at the end of each month they share a calendar of the meals that will be served during the next one, day by day. They're all balanced, and prepared with proximity food. They prepare specific meals for every kid with allergies/intolerances/any kind of dietary restriction, e.g. restrictions related to religion. They also share a list of dinner suggestions - again, for the whole month - so you have ideas for dinners that are healthy, easy, cheap, and tasty for kids. It's a public school."

school lunch, South Korea, American food, nutrition, viral photo, Reddit, food culture, kids health, parenting, food debateGif of student choosing between healthy or tasty meal via Giphy


"I am from a third world country where many public schools lack a ton of funding and even we have better more healthy lunches than the slop that’s given to US students. I know because I went to school in the US and also in my home country."

"America hates its f*cking kids. It will always mistreat them and deny them opportunities."

"Lobster as a school lunch??? I need to go back to elementary school... I'll quit work for education and a lunch like that!"

Others, while impressed with the selection, had their doubts about if American schools could ever adopt something like this:

"This lunch is orders of magnitude better then US school lunches. And most American kids would utterly hate it."

"American kids have no palette! It’s all chicken nuggets and mac & cheese! ... I know some kids that would starve rather than try anything on that tray."

Some pointed out that those metal chopsticks would likely be used as a weapon almost immediately, and discontinued ASAP.

Americans, as a whole, have a dreadful diet devoid of enough nutrition and it causes catastrophic health problems in the longterm. For clues as to why, you can look at what we feed our kids — and why.


school lunch, South Korea, American food, nutrition, viral photo, Reddit, food culture, kids health, parenting, food debate Two young students eat lunchCanva

No, most American kids probably wouldn't like lobster tail. But there is a lot that goes into how our palette develops that might help explain it.

For starters, fresh produce and lean proteins are extremely expensive in America. It's far more cost-effective to pump people full of cheap, empty calories and sugar. School lunch used to be cooked fresh every day in the schools before major government budget cuts forced districts to more heavily on lean on frozen or reheated options. Kids get used to chicken nuggies all day every day from a young age!

The irony is that school lunches in American, while not overly exciting, at least meet some basic nutritional guidelines. But they're not free for everyone, and even kids who qualify for free or reduced lunch may not end up participating due to stigma or red-tape. When parents on a shoestring budget have to buy their own lunch supplies, things can get a lot worse than meatloaf and green beans. We all knew a few kids in school who had Pop Tarts for lunch every day. To be fair, we were all jealous at the time.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

And finally, Americans sure love to get fired up about our "right" to eat like crap. When Michelle Obama tried to clean up the school lunch program, she ran into massive pushback. RFK Jr. wants to do his own version of it, and we'll see how that goes.

The viral photo from South Korea shows what might be possible with a few key cultural and political shifts. Treating feeding our kids more like "preventive medicine" versus a cost to manage would definitely be a start.

This article originally appeared earlier this year. It has been updated.

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8th grader's award-winning experiment finally reveals if dog's mouths are cleaner than ours

We've heard the myth. Now read the science.

Photo credit: Canva
Should you let a dog lick your face?

They don't call them Man's Best Friend for nothing. With nearly half of the households in American having at least one dog, there's a lot people need to know about them. Our furry friends come in wide variety of breeds, each with their own unique traits and needs. "Man's best friend" can be a guardian, a helpful worker, a loyal friend, and a snuggly companion, but there's one thing almost all dogs have in common: Licking.

Some dogs lick way more than others, but it's rare to find a dog who never licks anyone or anything. Many dogs communicate and show affection by licking, which is sweet—if a little gross—depending on how slobbery they are. There's a common saying that dogs' mouths are cleaner than humans', which is a bit hard to believe when you see what some dogs put in their mouths, but it is true?

What does science say about dog tongues and saliva? Is a dog licking our face something we should worry about?

dogs, dog mouths clean, dog tongues, dog licking, should you let a dog lick your face We've all heard the myths about dog mouths. Are they true? Photo by James Barker on Unsplash

It turns out, the answer to whether a dog's mouth is cleaner than ours isn't super straightforward.

An 8th grader named Abby tackled this question in a science experiment that won her a Young Naturalists Award from the American Museum of Natural History in 2011. Her family had gotten a dog and her mom kept telling her not to let the dog lick her face because dog mouths are full of bacteria. Instead of arguing, Abby decided to find out herself if this was true.

"I hypothesized that human tongues would be cleaner than dog tongues," she wrote. "I thought this because humans brush their teeth at least once a day. I hypothesized that dogs' tongues would be dirty because they were always licking dirty things like garbage."

After diving into the research about bacteria that live in and on humans and dogs, Abby decided she had a testable hypothesis. But this wasn't any old middle school science experiment. She applied for and got a grant to the State Hygienic Lab at the University of Iowa, where she was assigned a mentor to work with her.

You can read the nitty gritty details of her experiment here, but it involved a lab, swabs, agar plates, and more. Here was the conclusion:

dogs, dog mouths clean, dog tongues, dog licking, should you let a dog lick your face "Will I continue to let my dog lick me? Yes!" Photo by Ashley Levinson on Unsplash

"I concluded that dog and human mouth flora are very different. (Flora means the bacteria found in a mouth or anywhere else.) The bacteria found in human mouths are more similar to another human's oral bacteria than the bacteria found in a dog's mouth.

"I also concluded that dogs' mouths are cleaner than humans' in some ways, and dirtier in other ways. Humans have more bacteria in their mouths than dogs do, based on the total number of bacteria. Most of the humans had a 'moderate' number of bacteria, and most of the dogs had 'few' bacteria. A possible explanation of this might be that dogs pant a lot, and maybe while panting, bacteria falls off their tongues along with their saliva. But dogs had more types of bacteria. The average number of different bacterial colonies in a dog's mouth was about 5.7. The average number of different bacterial colonies in a human's mouth was about 4.1. I think this is so because dogs sniff and lick a variety of things, like carpets, floors, chairs, grass, etc., so they pick up bacteria from many places."

But what about the licking of our faces? That's a bit of a subjective call, but Abby's results gave her some peace of mind:

"In conclusion, will I let my dog continue to lick me? The answer to the question is yes!" she wrote. "I will feel guiltless about letting my dog lick me because I found out that human and dog oral bacteria are different, so my dog's oral bacteria present no harm to me."

dogs, dog mouths clean, dog tongues, dog licking, should you let a dog lick your face Kisses approved by science. Giphy

What do the experts say?

According to Colin Harvey, professor at the University of Pennsylvania’s School of Veterinary Medicine and executive secretary at the American Veterinary Dental College, comparing dogs' mouths to humans' mouth is "like comparing apples to oranges." As Abby found, the microbes in a dog's mouth are very different than those in a human's.

The American Kennel Club elaborates:

"Most of the bacteria in your dog’s mouth aren’t zoonotic, which means you probably won’t get a disease from a big old doggy kiss. There are exceptions to this. Dogs that eat a raw diet are at an increased risk of contracting salmonella, which can be spread to humans. You also probably shouldn’t share kisses with a dog that regularly raids the litter box.

In other words, kissing your dog is less risky than kissing another human, but that doesn’t mean that your dog’s mouth is necessarily cleaner than a human’s—they just have a mostly incompatible set of germs."

dogs, dog mouths clean, dog tongues, dog licking, should you let a dog lick your face Not necessarily cleaner, but different. Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash

Keeping your dog's mouth healthy through regular teeth cleaning and dental check-ups can also help prevent issues that could potentially come from dog licks.

So there you have it. If your dog doesn't eat a raw diet and doesn't go snacking in the cat box (or some other equally fecal-bacteria-ridden place), their kisses are probably not going to hurt you. Guilt-free pooch smooches for the win!

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.

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