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Some tips for how to talk to your teen about watching porn. HINT: It's not to tell them to stop.

Porn has never been more available — or raunchier. What's it doing to kids' capacity for intimacy?

Who hasn't watched a little porn here and there?

You'd be hard-pressed to find a person who hasn't watched some porn or who doesn't enjoy it on an occasional basis. Generationally, though, the dynamics of porn have changed. Depending on your age, your ideas of what porn is and how it's affected your actual sex life will vary. But for the newest generations of sexually active youth, things have gotten pretty extreme.

I know of whence I speak, for I have a teenage son.

So what's the big deal with teens watching porn if everyone does it? Well, they are very different from adults. And times have changed.

The problem is that teenage porn use is not just a kid getting ahold of dad's girly magazine anymore. It's unfettered access to as much porn as a kid wants, as frequently as they want it, and with the ability to escalate to more and more extreme types as their brain desensitizes to it. And unfortunately, kids' brains are still very much in their formative years even in their late teens, so it's having an effect on the actual wiring of their sexual norms.

A study published in 2014 from Cambridge University tracked the behaviors of compulsive porn users:

Source: " Your Brain on Porn" based on findings from Cambridge University.

And that's not to mention the effect it has on women's perceived expectations of themselves and their partners' expectations of them because of porn's depictions. When even women's orgasms are shown as a caricaturized performance in service of pleasing a man, something gets really skewed in terms of what women can hope to experience for their own fulfillment.

OK, but what can we even do about it?

You could try frequent, random, and unannounced appearances in your kids' room to make them too paranoid to take advantage of "alone time." Or you could creatively find ways to make sure the family pet is always in there in the hopes that they'd be too wigged out to watch porn while Whiskers McButtonNose is looking on.

Image (text added) by John of Wales/Flickr.

But that seems like a lot more work and way less reliable than just talking with teens about it. Here's how I did it:

I sent my son some links to a documentary about what it can do to a developing teen's brain to gorge on porn (he was about 15 at the time). I asked him to find me and talk to me after he was done watching the documentary — I wanted to let him have some control about when the conversation happened, so it could be more productive and not feel like an ambush.

When he did, we talked about the research. It wasn't the most comfortable conversation in the world, but it also wasn't the worst. I let him know I didn't think it was shameful for him to watch porn, that I know a lot of people do, and that I wasn't going to place any unrealistic expectations on him to never watch porn.

I asked him what points the movie made that really hit home for him. I noted that porn and masturbation do not necessarily go hand-in-hand (SORRY). I also suggested he may benefit from thinking about what parameters he wanted to set for himself, like:

  • Is there a frequency of watching it he doesn't want to exceed in order to feel good about himself? (He decided that a couple of times a week was enough for him, and it was definitely a step back from the frequency he had been engaging in).
  • Is there a threshold of porn extremity he doesn't want to surpass in order to feel like he's not violating his own deeply empathetic nature? (He decided he just had no interest in watching anything that seemed sadistic and made a promise to himself — not me — that he'd shut it down and find something else if something crossed that line.)

The point really was that I can't waltz into my son's private life and think I'm going to dictate what choices he'll make. I mean, I could have had a parental power struggle that escalated into me taking away his computer and Internet unless he does what I say, but I don't think that would have taught him what he really needs to navigate this stuff — self-regulation.

So what happened with my son?

I noticed after our talk that he was spending a lot less time in his room doing ... "room things" and a lot more time with other people. He seems happier and no longer carries the ever-present sense of dissatisfaction and frustration of wondering if his real life will ever match up to what he's being told his sex life should be. He got to make a thoughtful and deliberate choice for himself on his own terms.

GIF from "30 Rock."

When you let a teen know that their porn habits today could affect their ability to have a fulfilling sexual relationship — a real one — down the road, some kids will care.

Of course, some kids just won't either. But at least this way, they're getting a chance to make a choice instead of just being railroaded into a lifetime of warped sexual norms without a shot at doing it differently. Porn companies don't care about your kids' health and well-being, so don't let them be the only influence weighing in on this.

It all starts with adults acknowledging the reality of teens' daily lives. We can do this, folks.

And for some more good, research based talk about it all, check out this really enlightening TED Talk by Gail Dines on bringing kids up in a "pornified culture." (Be warned: It's a very frank discussion about sexuality, and the f-word is prevalent throughout.)

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American orders Olive Garden-style chicken parm in Italy and the waiter's response is perfect

He looks so confused.

via Drburtoni/Flickr and Boxer_Bob/Flickr

A waiter talking with his hands.

One of the great things about America is that we have a relatively young culture, so many of the foods that we eat were brought over from other countries. That makes America a great place to try out all the different types of food from around the world.

However, we also like to put our own stamp on staples from around the globe that give the American version its own unique flair. Some foods that we claim originated overseas were actually first made right here in the U.S. of A. For example, chimichangas, which can be found in many Mexican restaurants, actually originated in the state of Arizona. Crab Rangoon, a popular “Chinese” dish, was actually invented in San Francisco, and spaghetti and meatballs were never a thing in Italy.

TikTok creator Gabby Donahue posted a video that’s the perfect example of how some ethnic foods get remixed once they become popular in the States. In a video with over 7 million views, her father shows a waiter in Italy a photo of chicken parmesan from Olive Garden so he can order it at the restaurant. The waiter's reaction is an excellent example of someone trying to be polite while he cannot believe what he is seeing.

“My Boston Irish father trying to order a Google image of the Olive Garden chicken parm in Italy,” Donahue wrote in the text overlay.

@gabbydonahuee

@Olive Garden ‘s biggest fan 😭😭😭😭 #italy #cultureshock #chickenparm #olivegarden


When the father showed the picture to the waiter, he seemed a bit confused about the image. “Only in the States,” he said. “It doesn’t exist in Italy.” The father couldn’t believe what he was hearing: “It doesn’t exist in Italy?”

“I don’t know what it is…on the pasta?” the waiter said, trying to make sense of the chicken breast smothered in cheese and sauce. The waiter gave his final verdict while holding his chin: “No. That’s horrible.”

“Horrible? Wow. Look at that. That doesn’t,” the father laughed. “That looks good… but,” the waiter shrugged off the father. “It does look good,” the father continued. “It tastes good. I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna mail you some. I’ll send it to you.”

“Okay? Olive Garden chicken, I’m gonna search,” the waiter said, walking away from the table.


The commenters had a field day analyzing the waiter’s body language. “‘No, that looks good’ while looking completely disgusted was the most Italian reaction ever,” one commenter wrote. “Bro remembered halfway through his disgust that he’s at work,” another added.

It’s not crazy that an American would think that chicken parmesan is an Italian dish; after all, it’s served in most Italian-American restaurants. However, according to Paesana, it was created in America by the Italian diaspora.

“In the Old World, that’s Italy prior to the Italian diaspora—the large-scale emigration of Italians from Italy to America—proteins like chicken were not widely available," according to an article on the site. "As such, the prototypical chicken parmigiana was actually made with breaded, fried slices of eggplant in place of chicken for a dish called melanzane alla Parmigiana."


Even though chicken parmesan didn’t originate in the old country, Pasquale Sciarappa, a popular Italian-born food influencer living in America, has no problem cooking the dish.

"'That’s not Italian!’ I hear this every time I share a dish like Chicken Parmigiana. And you know what? They’re right — it’s not something you’d traditionally find in Italy. But you know what else is true? It’s Italian-American. It was born in immigrant kitchens — from people who left Italy, landed in the U.S., and made do with what they had. They took inspiration from dishes like melanzane alla parmigiana and recreated comfort from memory using what was available,” he wrote.

It’s understandable that an American could go to Italy without knowing that something he’d had in Italian restaurants wasn’t actually from Italy. It’s understandable for an Italian server to balk at a photo of a dish served in an American restaurant that you’d find in a shopping mall.

But we should all agree that one of the wonderful things about American culture is that it's an amalgamation of different cultures stirred around in the same pot, and if that means we get a fresh variation on the burrito, a new way to eat Chinese crab, or a tasty piece of chicken where eggplant used to be, the more the better.

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New study shows the top 36 names most likely to get hired

Would you rather hire Rita or Joanne? Warren or Eric?

Photo credit: Canva

The Bouba-Kiki effect is at it again.

Any parent who’s ever spent hours debating potential baby names can tell you the struggle is very, very real. It can be a mental minefield striking a balance between timeless and unique, authentic but not too hard to pronounce, meaningful but not the source of major embarrassment in years to come—no wonder some people pay upwards of $30K to have someone else do it for them.

Add to that the added dilemma of choosing a name that could make or break your child’s hireability? No pressure!

According to a study from Carleton University in Canada, some names do, in fact, sound more “hireable” than others.

Participants in the study were asked to choose between two job candidates using only their first names, with no other credentials. More specifically, they were asked to select which name was more likely to reflect someone with at least one of these hireable personality traits: honesty-humility, emotionality, extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness (i.e., how organized or hard-working a person is), and openness to experience.

The results? Smooth, melodic names that were sonorant-heavy—think long, round vowels and softer nasal-y consonants like m’s and l’s—tended to win the job offer. Congrats to all the Joannas, Noels, Laurens, and Liams out there!

baby names, most hireable names, most successful names, parents ,success, jobs, work Personally, I prefer the spikey names. Is that just me? media0.giphy.com

Conversely, names containing abrupt voiceless stops (p’s, t’s, and k’s) weren’t so favorable. Sorry, Rita, Eric, Kathy, and Hector.

This study reflects principles of the well-studied “Bouba/Kiki effect,” which shows that humans automatically associate specific images with certain words. Round vowel-heavy words (bouba) seem softer, while short vowel-hard consonant words (kiki) seem more aggressive. So it stands to reason that in this experiment—where people are looking for agreeable, peaceful candidates—those with more bouba-leaning names would win.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Of course, this doesn’t even take into account how socio-demographic cues, such as race and age, can trigger a bias. But it does show how much impact a name really has on how we are seen in the world. “The sound of a name might be one additional source of bias in hiring decisions,” said researchers David Sidhu and Penny Pexman. “When people don’t have much to go on, there really is a lot in a name.”

Without further ado, here are those names…

Names more likely to get a job:

  • Anne
  • Joanna
  • June
  • Lanah
  • Laurel
  • Lauren
  • Lois
  • Luna
  • Mara
  • Marla
  • Megan
  • Mona
  • Myah
  • Noelle
  • Norah
  • Nya
  • Renee
  • Rosanne
  • Abel
  • Allen
  • Lewis
  • Linus
  • Lorne
  • Lou
  • Lyle
  • Miles
  • Milo
  • Morris
  • Moses
  • Nathan
  • Noam
  • Noel
  • Owen
  • Ronin
  • Warren
  • Will

Names are less likely to get a job

  • Rita
  • Erica
  • Etta
  • Patty
  • Christie
  • Katie
  • Kasey
  • Petra
  • Kathy
  • Katia
  • Kate
  • Trista
  • Tracy
  • Pippa
  • Tessa
  • Tia
  • Greta
  • Yvette
  • Eric
  • Hector
  • Chris
  • Curtis
  • Kirk
  • Ted
  • Titus
  • Tucker
  • Tate
  • Terry
  • Pierce
  • Carter
  • Kipp
  • Kurt
  • Jack
  • Victor
  • Garrett
  • Zach

Thankfully, more information is usually available in actual hiring scenarios. Even within the study itself, researchers found that when participants were shown photos or videos of the candidates, the influence of the name decreased exponentially. So while there might be some benefit to having a soft, melodic name, it isn't the ultimate factor in gauging a person's potential.

Every parent wants to give their child the best start possible. So it can be compelling and wise to consider at least how a name might level the playing field for their kid in a world where bias can sneak in from the very first line of a résumé.

But perhaps the real takeaway here isn’t to pressure parents even more. Instead, it’s a reminder to employers to look past names entirely. Tracy or Zach can be just as collaborative, ambitious, and hard-working as Will or Mara.

Maybe if studies like this keep getting attention, that’s the change we’ll see next—a world where every name carries the same promise of possibility.

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Happiness researcher explains how making a 'reverse bucket list' can change your life

Counterintuitive in our culture, but effective.

Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons

Harvard researcher Arthur C. Brooks studies what leads to human happiness.

We live in a society that prizes ambition, celebrating goal-setting, and hustle culture as praiseworthy vehicles on the road to success. We also live in a society that associates successfully getting whatever our hearts desire with happiness. The formula we internalize from an early age is that desire + ambition + goal-setting + doing what it takes = a successful, happy life.

But as Harvard University happiness researcher Arthur C. Brooks has found, in his studies as well as his own experience, that happiness doesn't follow that formula. "It took me too long to figure this one out," Brooks told podcast host Tim Ferris, explaining why he uses a "reverse bucket list" to live a happier life.

bucket list, wants, desires, goals, detachment Many people make bucket lists of things they want in life. Giphy

Brooks shared that on his birthday, he would always make a list of his desires, ambitions, and things he wanted to accomplish—a bucket list. But when he was 50, he found his bucket list from when he was 40 and had an epiphany: "I looked at that list from when I was 40, and I'd checked everything off that list. And I was less happy at 50 than I was at 40."

As a social scientist, he recognized that he was doing something wrong and analyzed it.

"This is a neurophysiological problem and a psychological problem all rolled into one handy package," he said. "I was making the mistake of thinking that my satisfaction would come from having more. And the truth of the matter is that lasting and stable satisfaction, which doesn't wear off in a minute, comes when you understand that your satisfaction is your haves divided by your wants…You can increase your satisfaction temporarily and inefficiently by having more, or permanently and securely by wanting less."

Brooks concluded that he needed a "reverse bucket list" that would help him "consciously detach" from his worldly wants and desires by simply writing them down and crossing them off.

"I know that these things are going to occur to me as natural goals," Brooks said, citing human evolutionary psychology. "But I do not want to be owned by them. I want to manage them." He discussed moving those desires from the instinctual limbic system to the conscious pre-frontal cortex by examining each one and saying, "Maybe I get it, maybe I don't," but crossing them off as attachments. "And I'm free…it works," he said.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"When I write them down, I acknowledge that I have the desire," he explained on X. "When I cross them out, I acknowledge that I will not be attached to this goal."

The idea that attachment itself causes unhappiness is a concept found in many spiritual traditions, but it is most closely associated with Buddhism. Mike Brooks, PhD, explains that humans need healthy attachments, such as an attachment to staying alive and attachments to loved ones, to avoid suffering. But many things to which we are attached are not necessarily healthy, either by degree (over-attachment) or by nature (being attached to things that are impermanent).

"We should strive for flexibility in our attachments because the objects of our attachment are inherently in flux," Brooks writes in Psychology Today. "In this way, we suffer unnecessarily when we don't accept their impermanent nature."

What Arthur C. Brooks suggests that we strive to detach ourselves from our wants and desires because the simplest way to solve the 'haves/wants = happiness' formula is to reduce the denominator. The reverse bucket list, in which you cross off desires before you fulfill them, can help free you from attachment and lead to a happier overall existence.

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Parenting

People applaud man for calling out his sister over jaw-droppingly bad baby name choice

He called the name "completely unacceptable."

via Canva/Photos

A brother and sister in a disagreement.

Like it or not, the name your parents choose for you can significantly impact your life, whether it’s how you’re treated in school by peers, your professional prospects, or how well you do in the dating arena. A name is nothing to joke about. That’s why an uncle-to-be is mad at his sister. He thinks she isn’t taking naming her unborn daughter seriously and fears it will have dire consequences for the girl in the future.

What started as a funny joke between the brother (a biology student) and his sister (a nurse) has become a bone of contention between the siblings. It all started when the brother sent his sister a humorous list of potential names for his niece based on medical terms.

“I knew she was struggling, so in addition to the $900 wooden crib on her list that I got for her, I gave her a list of (obviously) joke baby names. We have a really close relationship, and it was in line with both our senses of humor,” the brother wrote on Reddit's AITA forum.

“She's a nurse, and I'm a biology student, so all the names were medications, infections, unpleasant animals, etc., that all sound like lovely girls' names out of context,” he continued. “Some of them were a little bit obscure, sure, but I included some obvious ones like ‘Viagra’ and ‘Hernia’ for good measure.

baby, newborn, baby name, baby crib, sleeping baby, birth A newborn baby sleeping. via Canva/Photos

The problem was that the sister liked one of the names and plans on giving it to her daughter.

“Malassezia. The baby's name is Malassezia. One of the names on my joke list. Outside of the immediate issues (nearly impossible to pronounce on the first try, the ‘ass’ smack dab it the middle of it, the first syllable being mal-, literally meaning bad or evil), it's also the name of a very common fungal infection,” he wrote. “One that my sister and I are both genetically predisposed to. One that we've both had multiple times throughout our lives. Her daughter will almost certainly catch it at some time!” The brother told his sister that the name is “completely unacceptable.”

What is Malassezia?

According to the Cleveland Clinic, Malassezia occurs when “yeast that occurs as part of your skin’s natural flora multiplies and infects the hair follicles,” the website reads. “The condition causes itchy pimples to form on your face, scalp and upper body. Healthcare providers treat this fungal infection with topical and systemic antifungal medications.”

The mother completely understands the downside of the name but insists that “it's so obscure that no one will ever think twice about it.” She simply likes the sound of the name. Unsure of what to do, the brother posted the story on Reddit to see if he was in the wrong.

birth certificate, baby name, baby footprint, baby hospital, doctor A doctor taking the baby's footprint. via Canva/Photos

The vast majority of the commenters thought he was totally right to demand the baby’s name be changed.

"I share your frustration, and you're looking out for your niece. While your sis is right that it's her parental right, you're not stepping out of line -- you're family and you're cautioning her,” one commenter wrote. "Tell [the father] so he can veto it,” another commenter added. “Also, how is your sister not thinking about the embarrassment that is going to come with this name? The doctors at every baby appointment will know. I wouldn't be surprised if doctors and nurses giggle when they see her chart. And when she's in school, kids will likely find out what her name means and bully her. Tell your sister to think about her daughter's future. She's thinking too much about her feelings and not thinking about her daughter who would have to live with that name."

One commenter broke the name into chunks and found it has multiple meanings. “Mal = bad + ass = bad ass. So we have the nickname. Now Ezia - Hebrew for elegance? e-Zia as in electronic aunt (Italian?) or electric cottage/home/campervan (Pueblo?),” they wrote.

The only people who thought the brother was wrong were those who believed his sister was pulling a fast one on him. “You gave a joke name list and seem unable to tell she's joking back,” they wrote.

joke, siblings, gotcha, gif, family Understand Schitts Creek GIF by CBC Giphy

Ultimately, just about everyone agrees that the brother was right to speak up. Names matter, and kids have to live with them their entire lives. Hopefully, his sister takes the hint before her daughter has a name better suited to a microscope slide than a birth certificate.

This article originally appeared in May. It has been updated.

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Toddler impressively drums and sings 'Pocketful of Sunshine' with surgical precision

"Can’t poop in the potty but can perfectly replicate a song 😭"

Representative photo credit: Canva

Toddlers drumming are cute. Toddlers who can actually play drums are something else.

People can learn most things if they really put their minds to it, but there's no question some humans are born with innate abilities that defy expectations and explanation. We call those people prodigies, and while toddlerhood might be too early to definitively use that label, a tiny tot with a stick, a shovel, and a song in his heart has people tossing around the term. When you see the video of little Remi performing Natasha Bedingfield's "Pocketful of Sunshine," you'll see why.

Toddlers often "sing" along to songs, but rarely do they sing with anything close to perfect pitch and even more rarely do they keep perfect time. Not only does Remi do both, but he keeps separate rhythms with each hand—plastic sandbox shovel in one, stick in the other—all while singing gibberish lyrics to the identifiable tune.

Watch:

@rockinremi

can't blame him, it stays in your head once you hear it. 🤣☀️ also how fitting of a song for someone who is always so happy & a ray of sunshine 🥰 @Natasha Bedingfield #pocketfullofsunshine #toddlerdrummer #toddlersings #musicaltoddler #heartwarrior #chdawareness #sweetboy #toddlermom #fyp #foryoupage #proudmama

Not a discernible word uttered, yet so very impressive. People had thoughts:

"He’s singing in Simlish lmao so cute 😭 also more talent than me"

"The gibberish in perfect melody is killing meeee I love smart babies 😭"

"Mee me may mayyyyy!"

"Forget about the singing, he’s playing two different rhythms with each hand. Mind blown seriously."

"Holding down a beat and singing at that age is insane!!!!!"

"I am literally astonished. memorizing melody, singing it back with the correct notes on key?! While drumming??? Literal prodigy in the making."

"When they say some people are just born with it- this is what that looks like. Absolutely amazing."

"Can’t poop in the potty but can perfectly replicate a song 😭"

"It’s actually so hard to sing and drum."

"I think he's a prodigy. Very impressive!"

Even trained musicians weighed in on this little pocketful of sunshine's talents.

"I am a highly trained musician. He is…a natural percussionist. He also sings incredibly well for his age. This kid has music pouring out of him. He can pattern phrases and complicated rhythms."

"I’ve been drumming for 26 years. Dude is a natural and has exquisite dynamic control. And he can sing on top? Brilliant! ✨"

"Vocal coach here—he can even hear vocal dynamics (the volume increases and decreases in his singing) and is able to actively apply them WHILE keeping a complicated rhythm for his age...you guys might have a prodigy. Mozart at 7 years old left Handel's messiah and was able to rewrite it all FROM MEMORY. your son is remembering the beat, Melody and dynamics...you guys might want to get him a coach!!"

"I'm a music teacher, and his natural ability to figure out the beat and keep it, is something I struggle teaching kids who have been playing for years. little prodigy in the making friends, get him into lessons!!"

Many people suggested getting him a drum set and a coach. The drum set is already taken care of—Santa brought him one for Christmas—and he plays it a lot.

@rockinremi

late night jam sesh before bedtime 🤘🏼 🥁 🎶 #toddlerdrummer #toddlersings #musicaltoddler #heartwarrior #chdawareness #drummer #chdwarrior #proudmama #musickid #toddlermom #heartmom

Remi's mom Jessica writes in a comment that Remi started showing signs that he loved drumming and was able to carry a beat at around age 2 1/2. (In the drumset video above, he's 3 years and 4 months.)

Jessica also shares that Remi has a special affinity for Elvis Presley. He even told her, "Mama, Remi the real Elvis!" He may very well be.

@rockinremi

Replying to @Jessica Steinert @Elvis Official has gotten this boy through major things in his life, like his open heart surgery. He literally calls himself Elvis ⚡️❤️‍🩹 #toddlerdrummer #toddlersings #musicaltoddler #heartwarrior #chdawareness #toddlermom #fyp #foryoupage #musickid #proudmom #elvispresley

Musical prodigies usually arise from some combination of nature and nurture, possessing an inherent musical capacity and being raised in an environment that feeds that ability. Some have tried to argue that anyone can become a "prodigy" with enough early exposure and systematic practice, but that doesn't really explain kids like Remi. You can't teach the average two or three-year-old to drum with both hands playing different beats while keeping steady time, and while singing in tune with inflections—at least not without a ton of work.

When an ability appears without much effort, that sure seems to be an indicator of innate talent. Any talent has to be nurtured and practice is necessary, of course, but there are lots of kids who start music lessons and practice at a young age who don't become Mozarts by age seven.

One 2020 study found that what differentiated musical prodigies from other young musicians was a propensity to report "flow" during practice, the intensity of their practice before adolescence, and the source of their motivation when they began to play.

Perhaps it's just a matter of all the elements coming together—innate capacity, internal motivation, intense practice, and some intangible thing that makes the musical magic happen. Whatever it is, since the original video went viral, Remi has gotten older, and even better.

@rockinremi

🎶 Spooky, scary, Remington 🎶 Like I said, he puts the "jam" in pajamas 🤪🎃 happy October! Remi has been so excited for Halloween season to be here!! 👻 #heartwarrior #fyp #foryou #drummer #halloweenmusic

Wherever musical prodigy comes from, it's sure fun to see it emerging in such a tiny little human. Can't wait to see what Remi's future holds.

You can follow Remi's musical adventures on TikTok.

This article originally appeared in June. It has been updated.

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