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Formerly 'awkward' person shares the 5 tricks he learned to become 'engaging' in 30 days

"I decided to treat every convo like an experiment, collect data on what actually makes people light up."

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A man and woman having a good conversation.

Do you get nervous in social situations because you’re not quite sure what to say? Do you dread exchanging hellos and then having an uncomfortable silence follow? Are you impressed by people who walk through social situations with confidence, who never seem to be at a loss for words, and whose company everyone seems to enjoy?

The good news is that if you are someone who feels socially awkward, you can overcome your discomfort by learning some basic communication tips that'll drastically improve your conversations. All it takes is studying the habits social butterflies use to be engaging conversationalists.

conversation, party, drinks, social situation, attention, listening Some friends talking at a party.via Canva/Photos

A Reddit user named Turbulent-Photo, who was admittedly awkward, began using some new conversational techniques, and in only 30 days, they went from being “awkward” to engaging. They shared the new skills they learned in a post on the Social Skills subforum. “I used to panic when someone asked a simple question like 'how's your day?' I’d give a one-word answer, then dip out. Then I decided to treat every convo like an experiment, collect data on what actually makes ppl light up,” they wrote before sharing five conversation hacks that helped them become a better conversationalist.

Note: The conversation tips have been edited for grammar and clarity.

Five conversation hacks to help you go from awkward to engaging

1. Active listening: “Instead of planning my next line, I just focused on their words, body language, tone, and it worked, mirroring their posture or repeating a key phrase (‘you said u love hiking?’), making them feel heard, and they open up.”

This trick is backed by science. Research shows that if you ask someone a question and two follow-up questions, it dramatically increases how likable you are. “We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors wrote. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

conversation, party, drinks, social situation, attention, listening A man and a woman chatting at a party.via Canva/Photos

2. Asking open-ended questions: Ditch ‘Did u have a good weekend?’ Try 'What was the highlight of your weekend?’ Suddenly they share stories, not just yes/no crap, and you got real convo material to build on.”

3. Storytelling: “Once I shared a 10-second tale bout freezing at the coffee shop, then joking with the barista, and people actually laughed. Vulnerability + humor = instant connection feels real.”

4. Body language: “I used to cross arms, look at the floor, classic ‘go away’ vibes. Then I uncrossed my arms, leaned in, kept my chest open, and people mirrored me back. Conversations flow even before I talk.”

Research shows that when someone likes you, they mirror your body language and movements. For example, if you’re seated, and the person likes you, they will mirror your seated posture. If you change your posture and then they adapt, it could be a big clue that someone likes you.

5. Affirmations: “‘That's a great point’ or ‘I hadn't thought of it that way’ cost nothing but boosts rapport big time.”

The interesting part about the five rules the Redditor shared is that most of them don’t involve you being the center of attention or having to wow the room with your amazing stories and anecdotes. It’s just about being a good listener, standing with intentional body language, and asking the right questions. Then, when you do take a moment to speak up, you’ll have an attentive conversation partner hanging on every word. Because you made them feel so comfortable and heard, they're happy to extend you the same courtesy.

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A simple historical fact explains why boomers are more likely to fall for misinformation

There's more to the generational divide than age.

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There's a simple historical reason boomers are more likely to believe misinformation

It never fails, you're sitting there trying to get through a day in the office without freaking out over the office lunch thief when your phone screen lights up. A message from your mother or grandmother appears. There's no context to the message, it's just a link to an article about grocery stores requiring passports to enter. You don't even bother clicking on the story before quickly typing back, "it's fake, mom" then continuing on with your day.

The short response isn't because you're being flippant but because as a Millennial, you've become used to filtering false stories from your boomer relatives. Of course you know your well meaning relatives are intelligent in so many areas but you can't figure out why they don't recognize sketchy websites or obviously made up stories. There's actually a really simple reason that this may be happening, specifically when it comes to the boomer generation.

boomers; Millennials; Gen Z; Gen X; boomer misinformation; misinformation; the fairness doctrine; FCC; fake news; propaganda Exploring the world from home with headphones and a map.Photo credit: Canva

They never had to learn to fact check, thanks to the Mayflower and Fairness Doctrine. Not only did they not need to fact check news sources, they didn't have to critically think about the information that was presented to them when it came from places of authority. This isn't because they were blindly trusting. It's because the information provided by news stations or radio broadcasts no matter how controversial were not allowed to contain any bias or misinformation. They could literally trust everything a newscaster said.

That type of fair and unbiased news reporting was the result of an FCC ruling called the Mayflower Decision (also known as the Mayflower Doctrine) that preceded the Fairness Doctrine. In 1938 a former Yankee's employee Lawrence J. Flynn accused two radio stations of airing one-sided political views, editorials and attacks against politicians the owner of the network didn't like.

boomers; Millennials; Gen Z; Gen X; boomer misinformation; misinformation; the fairness doctrine; FCC; fake news; propaganda Nostalgic tunes: a moment with the radio.Photo credit: Canva

According to the 1948 Columbia Law Review, due to this kerfuffle, the FCC announced a rule in 1941 that "the radio broadcaster and his station should be allowed neither to editorialize nor take a stand on any controversial matter. This policy appeared as a concomitant to the previously announced position of the Commission that whenever controversial issues were presented they were to be treated impartially and objectively."

In 1949, three years after the first boomers were born, The Fairness Doctrine was passed building from the FCC's guidance on the Mayflower Doctrine. This legislation was meant to break up the monopoly of audience control by ABC, NBC, and CBS with concerns that the news stations could promote extreme bias. It required news outlets, which included radio stations, to provide equal airtime to opposing views. The information needed to be factual in nature without editorializing.

boomers; Millennials; Gen Z; Gen X; boomer misinformation; misinformation; the fairness doctrine; FCC; fake news; propaganda Retro TV broadcast with a vintage vibe.Photo credit: Canva

Doesn't that sound lovely? In a world where every other headline is written to scare the bejesus out of you and news pieces feel more editorialized than factual, having policy in place to tamper it would probably be beneficial. So what happened? Boomers spent all of their childhood, teen years and early adult years never having to question the factuality rating of their news. Then after more than 40 years of television and radio stations having guardrails in place, Ronald Reagan's administration started rolling it back.

According to the Reagan Library FCC Chairman, Mark S. Fowler who was on Reagan's presidential campaign staff, released a report saying, "the doctrine hurt the public interest and violated free speech rights guaranteed by the First Amendment." By 1987 the doctrine was completely repealed despite the objections from Congress. In an attempt to maintain the law, Congress attempted to codify it with the Fairness in Broadcasting Act of 1987. The bill passed the House and the Senate but Reagan vetoed it and according to the Reagan Library, there were not enough votes to overturn the veto.

boomers; Millennials; Gen Z; Gen X; boomer misinformation; misinformation; the fairness doctrine; FCC; fake news; propaganda President Ronald Reagan sitting with Margaret ThatcherHyper-realistic illustration by: Levan Ramishvili/Flickr

Essentially, from 1941 to 1987, boomers could wholeheartedly trust any news outlet no matter where the news was coming from. By 1988, America had it's first sensationalized news radio show with Rush Limbaugh where wild claims began to fly with no one there to stop it. The removal of the Fairness Doctrine with nothing to replace it left an entire generation at risk of easily falling for misinformation, propaganda and scams.

By this point boomers are parents and Gen X and elder Millennials were in school or heading to school soon. We didn't have any sort of legislation or policy to force news sources to be factual. From the time we reached junior high school, fact checking was part of every day life and we often had to have multiple sources to back up one claim. When the internet became commonplace, we were promptly informed that Wikipedia was not a valid source and learned how to spot suspicious websites. Millennials especially were taught to be skeptical of everything we read online or heard on the news if we couldn't verify it with other sources.

boomers; Millennials; Gen Z; Gen X; boomer misinformation; misinformation; the fairness doctrine; FCC; fake news; propaganda Couple enjoying a cozy TV evening at home.Photo credit: Canva

In addition to learning to identify malicious websites, we were also taught how to spot obvious spin and sensationalism. These are all skills learned during important developmental years. They're even more important skills to have with the meteoric rise in misinformation, propaganda and sensationalism.

These just aren't skills that boomers were taught and by the time they needed them they were deep in the realities of parenthood. Many of them may not have even known there was a shift in policy around factuality in news simply trusting the guy behind the news desk to tell them the truth. While age may be the obvious gap between boomers and Millennials, one generation grew up in a world where news anchors provided facts with no spin. The other grew up with spin everywhere, learning to trust nothing without fact checking.

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Conflict experts share the 1 phrase to stop an argument before things get out of control

Here's how to stop it before it starts.

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A woman skillfully stops an argument.

Has getting into a heated argument with your significant other, a coworker, or a child ever solved anything? Probably not. Heated arguments often lead people down the dark path of personal attacks, animosity, and getting so riled up that they stop making sense altogether. However, conflict is a natural and healthy part of our daily lives, so it can be very productive when we know how to have productive disagreements.

"If no one ever argues, you’re not likely to give up on old ways of doing things, let alone try new ones. Disagreement is the antidote to groupthink,” organizational psychologist Adam Grant said, according to Psychology Today. “We’re at our most imaginative when we’re out of sync." So the big question is, how do we prevent heated arguments from happening and steer them to more productive territory instead?

conflict, arguments, disagreements, conflict management, psychology, Coworkers having an argument.via Canva/Photos

How to stop an argument from happening

A group of researchers at the University of Wisconsin found that it’s essential for people to create a safe environment for discussion, and the key to doing so is to ask open-ended questions that lead to points of agreement. Specifically, the researchers say to use “I” statements, such as “I feel frustrated” or “I feel concerned,” when expressing yourself during the disagreement. However, the most effective phrase is one that clearly directs the discussion toward agreement.

The best way to stop an argument is with the phrase: “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on.”

conflict, arguments, disagreements, conflict management, psychology, Coworkers come to an agreement.via Canva/Photos

There are 3 big reasons why the phrase is so effective at stopping arguments from happening. First, the phrase immediately changes the mindset of both people from the areas where they disagree to one of agreement. We are no longer arguing about why we like or don’t like pineapple on pizza. Instead, we’re not focusing on the toppings we enjoy, such as pepperoni or black olives. The person we disagree with is no longer an enemy but a collaborator.

Another big reason “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on” is such an effective phrase because it extinguishes the other person’s anger. When we search for a way to agree, we suddenly become an unappealing target for the other person’s rage.

Finally, this phase makes you the good guy in the disagreement because you are looking for a positive solution. You’ve just taken a right turn onto the high road and have become the rational party in the conversation. This tactic is especially effective when a third party, such as a boss or sibling, is involved in the disagreement and wants to see who is acting in good faith. This will encourage the person you’re having a dispute with to be more cooperative to save face.

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The key is to be genuine about seeking agreement and maintain a sincere tone when presenting your approach. Once the potential fight has been quelled, you can work together to reach the best possible agreement.

Using "I" statements also helps because we're avoiding using "you" statements. "Anyone who’s ever been in conflict with someone knows that hearing a you-statement is hearing yourself be blamed for something, identified as the problem. 'You never listen to me,' 'You’re always late,' 'Why are you so stubborn?' And even if you don’t know consciously that you're being blamed, your reflexive reaction of defensiveness tells you that you know it when you hear it," Gregg Levoy, author of "Vital Signs: The Nature and Nurture of Passion," writes in Psychology Today.

Learning how to prevent heated arguments can strengthen the relationship with the person you disagree with. Resolving a conflict together makes their relationship stronger and more enduring. So, a conflict can be a gift that you can use to skillfully bring yourself closer to someone. The key is to focus on the areas of agreement and to be sincere so you can resolve the issue together without leaving any lingering resentment.

This article originally appeared in January.

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Simple '30-second rule' can help you win every conversation, even if you're a little awkward

You only have to remember one thing.

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A man and two women having a fun conversation.

There’s no one alive who doesn’t feel some anxiety about making small talk with other people. The difference is that some confront their fears because they know the incredible benefits that it can mean for their social life, romantic prospects, and careers, while some shy away and miss out on many opportunities.

Many people who avoid small talk believe those who excel at it are naturally charismatic or have been blessed with the “gift of gab.” However, many great conversationalists honed their skills and have a set of rules, techniques, and strategies they use when speaking to people, just like how people who do improvisational comedy or acting have a set of rules to follow to put everyone on the same page. Confident, sociable people may make engaging with others look effortless, but that’s because they have a strategy.

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What is the 30-second rule?

New York Times bestselling author and founder of the Maxwell Institute, John C. Maxwell, had a rule whenever he started a conversation: “Within the first 30 seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging to a person.” This can work in any social or professional situation, for example:

At work:

“Wendy, I heard you did great on yesterday’s conference call.”

“Frank, I hear the clients really love working with you.”

At a party:

“Mohammed, I really loved those pictures you posted on Instagram on your trip to Mexico.”

“Sang, are we going to get some of your incredible barbecue today?”

On a date:

“Thanks for choosing such a great restaurant, it has such a nice ambiance.”

“I really like the way your necklace brings out your eyes.”

date, conversation, laughs, jokes, salads, dinner, restaurant, cafe A man and woman joking on a date.via Canva/Photos

Whether you are complimenting, relaying positive information about the person, or encouraging them, the key is to pump them up and make them feel good about themselves. The 30-second rule fits nicely into Maxwell’s overall view of relationships: “Those who add to us, draw us to them. Those who subtract, cause us to withdraw,” he said.

The key to giving the other person encouragement is to do so genuinely. If you aren’t genuine with your compliments or words of encouragement, your words can have the opposite effect and make the other person feel like you are being condescending.

How does encouragement make people feel?

encouragement, poeple in blue shirts, luaghs, my bad, smiles, supportive people A man making a joke with other people in blue shirts.via Canva/Photos

Studies have shown that when people hear words of encouragement, they feel good and have a burst of energy. Psychologist Henry H. Goddard studied tired children and found that they had a burst of energy when he said something encouraging to them. But when he said something negative, they became even more tired.

Ultimately, a direct connection exists between being likeable and being genuinely interested in other people. William King said, “A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”

Every time you start a new conversation with someone, take the opportunity to share some words of encouragement with the other person, and you’ll be on your way to being seen as a brilliant conversationalist.

This article originally appeared in May.

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