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Childless people over 50 are honestly reflecting on whether they made the right decision

Spoiler alert: They’re totally fine with it.

childless couples, kid-free life, regrets of seniors
via Pexels

Childless people over 50 discuss their decision.

People who decide not to have children are often unfairly judged by those who chose a different life path. People with children can be especially judgmental to women who’ve decided to opt out of motherhood.

“You will regret it!” is one of the most common phrases lobbed at those who choose to remain childless. Why do people think they’ll have such awful regrets? Because they often say they’ll wind up “lonely and sad” when they’re older.

They also say that life without children is without purpose and that when the childless get older they’ll have no one to take care of them. One of the most patronizing critiques thrown at childless women is that they will never “feel complete” unless they have a child.

However, a lot of these critiques say more about the person doling them out than the person who decides to remain childless.

Maybe, just maybe, their life is fulfilling enough without having to reproduce. Maybe, just maybe, they can have a life full of purpose without caring for any offspring.

Maybe the question should be: What’s lacking in your life that you need a child to feel complete?


Studies show that some people regret being childless when they get older, but they’re in the minority.

An Australian researcher found that a quarter of child-free women came to regret the decision once they were past child-bearing age and began contemplating old age alone.

People revealed the reasons they’ve decided to be childless in an article by The Upshot. The top answers were the desire for more leisure time, the need to find a partner and the inability to afford child care. A big reason that many women decide not to have children is that motherhood feels like more of a choice these days, instead of a foregone conclusion as it was in previous decades.

Reddit user u/ADreamyNightOwl asked a “serious” question about being childless to the AskReddit subforum and received a lot of honest answers. They asked “People over 50 that chose to be childfree, do you regret your decision? Why or why not?”

The people who responded are overwhelmingly happy with their decision not to have children.

A surprising number said they felt positive about their decision because they thought they’d be a lousy parent. Others said they were happy to have been able to enjoy more free time than their friends and family members who had kids.

Here are some of the best responses to the Askreddit question.

1. Never had any desire.

"I explain it to people like this - you know that feeling you get where you just can't wait to teach your kid how to play baseball? or whatever it is you want to share with them? I don't have that. Its basically a lack of parental instinct. Having children was never something I aspired to. My SO is the same way.

"Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against children. And I get really angry at people who harm them or mistreat them. I just never wanted my own." — IBeTrippin

2. No desire. No regrets.

"Nope. It was never something I wanted. No regrets." — BornaCrone

3. Mixed feelings.

"I have mixed feelings. I don't care much for children and I think it would have been disastrous for us to have them. I was also able to retire at 52. Pretty sure that wouldn't have happened with kids. So yeah, absolutely the right decision.
But I love my family and I do wonder what it would be like to have my own, to teach my child the things I know and not to be without someone who cares about me at the time of my death.

"But again, absolutely the right decision and at 55 I'm very happy NOT to have them. This is reinforced every time I'm exposed to other people's kids." — ProfessorOzone

4. They never visit.

"My wife worked at a nursing home for years. Imagine seeing for years that over 95% of old people never have family visit. Till they die and people want a piece of the pie. This when I learned that the whole 'well who is gonna visit you or take care of you when you're older' line is complete bullshit. We decided to not have kids ever after that. Made great friends and saw the world. No regrets." — joevilla1369

5. It wasn't an option.

"I don't necessarily regret not having them, but I regret the fact that I wasn't in a healthy enough relationship where I felt I COULD have children. I regret not being stronger to leave the abuse earlier, if I had been stronger, I think maybe I could have had the choice at least. So yeah... I have regrets." — MaerakiStudioMe

6. Grandkids are cooler.

"No. I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to marry my husband. He had two sons from his first marriage and a vasectomy. He was worried because I was so young (comparatively, he's 10 years older). I did think it over seriously and concluded that a life with him compared to a life without him but (perhaps!) with a baby I didn't even have yet was what I wanted. It worked out for us, we've been together for 26 years. As a bonus I have 9 grandchildren. All the fun without the work of the raising!" — Zublor

7. I'd be a bad parent.


"Not one bit. I have never believed that I would be a good parent. I have a short temper, and while I don't think I would have been physically abusive, my words and tone of voice would be harsh in a very similar way to my own father. I wasn't happy growing up with that kind parent and I wouldn't want to subject any child to that kind of parenting."
— Videoman7189

8. I'd rather be the cool aunt and uncle.

"No and I found a partner who feels the same. We are the cool aunt and uncle." — laudinum

9. Loneliness is underrated.


"54 yrs.old. I've lived the past 30 years alone. Presently my dog and I are chillin' in a nice hotel on a spur of the moment vacation. I'd maybe be a grandfather by now?! I can't imagine what it would be like to have family. I picture a life lived more "normally" sometimes. All sunshine and roses, white picket fence, etc. but I realize real life isn't like that. No I don't regret being childfree or wifefree for that matter. My life can be boring at times but then I look back at all the drama that comes with relationships and think I've dodged a bullet. I spent 20 years trying to find a wife to start a family. Then I realized the clock had run out, so fuck it, all the money I'd saved for my future family would be spent on myself. Hmmmmm...what do I want to buy myself for Christmas?" — Hermits_Truth

10. No diaper changes and no regrets.

"Nope. I never had the urge to change diapers or lose sleep, free time and most of my earnings. Other people's kids are great. Mostly because they are other people's. When people ask 'Who will take care of you when you're old' I tell them that when I'm 75 I will adopt a 40-year-old." — fwubglubbel

11. Zero desire.

"I’m 55 (F) and never wanted children. I just don’t much like them, and 20+ years of motherhood sounded (and still sounds) like a prison sentence. Maternal af when it comes to cats and dogs, but small humans? No chance.

"And I’m very happy to be childless. Cannot imagine my life any other way." — GrowlKitty

12. D.I.N.K.

"Dual income no kids = great lifestyle!" — EggOntheRun

13. Some regrets

"Over 50 and child free. My only regret is that my wife would have been a great mother, and sometimes I feel like I deprived her of that, even though we both agreed we didn’t want kids. Sometimes I wonder if I pushed her into that decision. She works with the elderly every day and sees a lot of lonely folks so it gets to her sometimes. I was always afraid I’d screw up the parenting thing, so I was never really interested in the idea. I’m a loner by nature though." — Johnny-Virgil


This article originally appeared on 02.08.22

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mage from Everyday Feminism, used with permission by creator Alli Kirkham.

There are many different scenarios where consent is necessary.

In 2013, Zerlina Maxwell ignited a firestorm of controversy when she strongly recommended we stop telling women how to not get raped.

Here are her words, from the transcript of her appearance on Sean Hannity's show:

"I don't think that we should be telling women anything. I think we should be telling men not to rape women and start the conversation there with prevention."

So essentially—instead of teaching women how to avoid rape, let's raise boys specifically to not rape.

There was a lot of ire raised from that idea. Maxwell was on the receiving end of a deluge of online harassment and threats because of her ideas. The backlash was egregious, but sadly, it's nothing new. Such reactions are sadly common for outspoken women on the Internet.

People assumed it meant she was labeling all boys as potential rapists or that every man has a rape-monster he carries inside him unless we quell it from the beginning.

But the truth is most of the rapes women experience are perpetrated by people they know and trust. So, fully educating boys during their formative years about what constitutes consent and why it's important to practice explicitly asking for consent could potentially eradicate a large swath of acquaintance rape. It's not a condemnation on their character or gender, but an extra set of tools to help young men approach sex without damaging themselves or anyone else.

screenshot from Hannity show

Zerlina Maxwell is interviewed on "Hannity."

Image from “Hannity."

But what does teaching boys about consent really look like in action?

Well, there's the viral letter I wrote to my teen titled "Son, It's Okay If You Don't Get Laid Tonight" explaining his responsibility in the matter. I wanted to show by example that Maxwell's words weren't about shaming or blaming boys who'd done nothing wrong yet, but about giving them a road map to navigate their sexual encounters ahead.

There are also rape prevention campaigns on many college campuses, aiming to reach young men right at the heart of where acquaintance rape is so prevalent. The 2014 movement, "It's On Us," was backed by The White House and widely welcomed by many young men.

And then there are creative endeavors to find the right metaphors and combination of words to get people to shake off their acceptance of cultural norms and see rape culture clearly.

This is brilliant:

comics that illustrate consent

A comic about different types of consent.

Image from Everyday Feminism, used with permission by creator Alli Kirkham.

There you have it. Seven comparisons that anyone can use to show how simple and logical the idea of consent really is. Consent culture is on its way because more and more people are sharing these ideas and getting people to think critically. How can we not share an idea whose time has come?

This article originally appeared ten years ago.

"Macho Man'" Randy Savage during a 1992 appearance on "The Arsenio Hall Show."

A surprisingly wholesome video clip of the late iconic professional wrestler "Macho Man" Randy Savage went viral in 2022 for the surprisingly vulnerable answer he gave when asked if he ever cries.

The 1992 interview with Arsenio Hall began with Hall joking that Savage's middle name is 'Macho,' and asking if he ever cried. If you're not familiar with professional wrestling in the 1980s and early '90s, it was common for the biggest names of the day—Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Ultimate Warrior, Mr. Perfect and, of course, Macho Man—to take on personas that often embodied what we might now call "toxic masculinity." Many of them were after all what they call "heels," in wrestling circles, aka the bad guys.

So, it was pretty surprising to see the downright deep and wholesome response Savage gave to Hall without hesitation.

"It's OK for macho men to show every emotion available," Savage says in the clip. "I've cried a thousand times and I'm gonna cry some more."

This explanation of macho men being able to show all emotions was probably just as relevant then as it is now. The notion that it's not just OK, but completely normal and acceptable for men to cry goes against everything that some masculine norms have told boys from a young age. Not being able to express authentic emotions outside of anger can lead to mental health issues in men.

Watch the full clip below:

"I've soared with the eagles, I've slithered with the snakes and I've been everywhere in between," Savage continued. "Understand this: Nobody likes a quitter. Nobody said life was easy. So, if you get knocked down, take the standing eight count, get back up and fight again!"

As a public figure that boys, teens, and young men looked up to, it was pretty incredible to see Savage appear on national television and dispel the myth that tough guys don't cry and then take it one step further by proudly stating that he himself had cried "a thousand times" was powerful.

While this interview was filmed in the '90s, boys and men today are still fighting against the cultural norm of the hyper-masculine male image that includes bottling up emotions and not asking for help. All men experience a range of emotions, including sadness, because men are people and Macho Man is here to remind everyone it's OK to cry. Even when you're "macho."


This article originally appeared three years ago.

If you want to freak out a Gen Zer, put a period at the end of a text message.

As a Gen X mom of three Gen Z kids in their teens and 20s, there's a lot that I'm willing to concede and even celebrate when it comes to the gap in our generations. I love Gen Z's global consciousness, their openness about mental health, their focus on inclusivity, and their insistence on wearing comfortable shoes with formal wear. But there's one Gen Z feature that I simply cannot abide, and that is the weaponization of basic punctuation.

"It freaks me out when you say 'yes period' in a text," my high schooler told me one day. "It feels so aggressive, like I feel like I'm in trouble or something." I stared at him incredulously as my 20-year-old laughed but then agreed with him. "It does! The period makes it feel like you're mad," she said.

Ah yes, the period, the punctuation mark famous for its aggressive connotation. Far from being a mere generational quirk, this misinterpreting of benign text messages as aggressive or angry could result in serious communication breakdowns. Talking by text is already hard enough, and now we're adding a layer of meaning that older folks don't have a clue about?

text screenshotA Gen X text convo with Gen ZPhoto credit: Annie Reneau

The kids are serious about this, though. According to Gen Zers, pretty much any time someone puts a period at the end of a text, it means they're mad or irritated. At the risk of sounding like a dinosaur, I'd like to point out that reading into periods in texts like this is just silly. It's silly when the young folks do it with each other, but it's extra silly when they do it with adults who didn't grow up with texting and have ingrained grammatical habits that aren't easy to shake. (And frankly, some of us don't want to shake—I'm a former English teacher, for crying out loud.)

In no reasonable world can "Yes." be automatically viewed as aggressive. It's just not. Neither is "Time to get off the computer." Neither is "Got it." Or "OK." or "Sure." I understand that texting conventions have evolved such that end punctuation isn't necessary, but when did we start assigning negative intentions to very basic punctuation? I mean, if I wanted to be aggressive, I'd text, "HEY—time to GET OFF the COMPUTER!" A period should not be read as anything more than a matter-of-fact, neutral-toned statement. We have other tools for conveying tone in writing—capital letters, italics, bold, exclamation points, and now a whole slew of emojis. A period is and has always been neutral. That's literally the entire point of a period.

I'm even willing to give Gen Z an inch on the thumbs-up emoji—they think that's aggressive, too—only because emojis are new and their meanings are up for interpretation. But a period? Not budging. That little dot has been signaling the end of people's thoughts for centuries. Periods can and do sometimes affect tone in subtle ways—"No, I didn't," hits slightly differently than "No. I didn't."—but their basic inclusion at the end of a thought in no way signals aggression or anger, by text or otherwise. Not on Gen X's watch, at least. This is one generational hill I am willing to die on.

Oh Yeah Mic Drop GIF by Taylor BisciottiGiphy

These unwritten rules of texting seem to have been concocted by Gen Z, but when? And how? Who decides these things? Is there a group of super powerful and influential young adults who put out a bat signal at some point saying that periods are symbols of aggression? If the young folks want to play the reading-into-basic-punctuation game amongst themselves, making communication much more complicated for themselves, have at it. But please don't ascribe intent to us old fogies who've had "declarative statements end in periods" ingrained in us since elementary school.

Texting wasn't always like this. When texting first became a thing, using periods in them was pretty normal. As more and more people started dropping them (and capitalization—another deep English teacher wound), I held firm to their usage, mostly out of habit and feeling like my texts were incomplete without them. As my kids got old enough to text and informed me that periods are viewed by their age group as aggressive, I reconsidered. Should I stop using them, giving in to the tyranny of Gen Z's overthinking? Should I keep using them, embracing the fact that I'm old and set in my ways?

Ultimately, I landed on sometimes using periods in texts and sometimes not—a compromise between my own rigid grammar rules and Gen Z's seemingly senseless texting rules. Except only using them sometimes just confuses my kids even more, which is hilarious. Is Mom mad? Is she not? My daughter said she just has to remind herself who is texting, knowing that I—and most of my generation—simply don't use periods aggressively.

Nope. Not happening. Not ever. Period.

"Dee" the delivery guy stoked to get some Doritos.

Sometimes the smallest gesture can change someone’s day for the better, especially when that act of kindness lets them know their work is appreciated. During the pandemic, delivery drivers have done a fantastic job keeping people healthy, so Toni Hillison Barnett told KKCO News 11 that she and her husband started a tradition of leaving snacks for their drivers on the front porch around 2020.

The Barnetts, who live in Louisville, Kentucky, can see the drivers' reactions by recording them on their doorbell cameras. “I live for reactions like this to our snack cart! Thx to all of the delivery drivers out there! We appreciate you!” Toni wrote on an Instagram post.

Recently, one of the Barnetts’ delivery guys, a joyous fellow that we believe is known as Dee, went viral on TikTok because of his positive reaction to receiving some snacks during his deliveries. The snacks are tasty, no doubt. But it’s also wonderful to feel appreciated. After Toni posted the video, it received more than 100,000 views.

“Oh my God, you guys are the best, I gotta take a snapshot of this,” Dee can be heard saying in the video. “Oh, Capri Suns are my favorite. Yes!”

@toniraebarnett

Snacks for our delivery drivers. This reaction might be one of the best! #snackcart #fyp #ups #nestcam #christmas #delivery #foryou

“Seeing a grown man get so excited about Capri Sun is extra wholesome," abigailbaet wrote on the TikTok post.

A fellow delivery driver explained the reason why he probably appreciated the gift so much: "I'm a delivery driver and so far had one house to do this … it was the best. Half the time we don't have time for a break and work 10+ hours," Michelle Mumpower wrote.

Dee returned for another delivery and found more snacks waiting for him. The follow-up video received more than 400,000 views.

“Thank you! Oh yes, no way, we’re back again with the Capri Sun,” he continued. “I think this is where I went viral, isn’t it? You guys are awesome. Thank you. Doritos … Thank you, have a great day. Thank you for making me go viral.”

@toniraebarnett

Replying to @itskatiepatton Dee is back again and we had the @caprisun waiting! TY tiktok for making this awesome @ups driver go viral!! The world needs more of his energy & attitude! 🤍 #snackcart #ups #caprisun #wholesome #fyp #foryoupage #christmas

The driver may have found out that the video was popular after a friend told him she saw it on the platform. “That’s my friend Dee!!!! He’s the best,” Katie wrote.

“Oh I'm so glad you commented! I was hoping someone would claim him! What an awesome vibe he has!! Tell him I'll keep the @Caprisun stocked!” Toni responded.

According to NBC News 11, the family has been giving out snacks to delivery drivers for the past three years as a thank-you for all of the hard work they’ve done since the beginning of the pandemic.

It’s touching to see a kind gesture of appreciation be accepted with such glee. It’s also wonderful that the videos have been seen by so many people, because they’re a wonderful reminder for all of us to show our appreciation to the people that are the backbone of our communities. As the Barnetts have shown us, sometimes a small gesture can make a big difference. Oh yeah, and be sure to stock some Capri Suns while you’re at it, just in case Dee is working in your neighborhood.


This article originally appeared three years ago.

Unsplash

Taking time off after having a baby is full of paradoxes. It can be strange, and a little boring and monotonous. It's jarring, especially for a busy career-oriented person, to suddenly be at home all the time doing laundry, dishes, and taking the occasional stroller walk. There's a part of you that gets restless and can't wait for it to be over. And that's why it's weird when dread kicks in the moment you realize your leave is almost up.

For many mothers, it can be hard to let go of that time with your baby — time you never really get back. Or, in some cases, babies.

One new mom of twins recently discussed the complicated emotions she was feeling on her very last day of maternity leave.


person's hand holding baby feet Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

TikTok user Marissa Jeanne couldn't hold back her tears as she held her babies and tried to describe the emotional toll she was facing on the eve of her return to work.

“Today is my last day of maternity leave, and I go back to work tomorrow. And I just feel like I haven't had enough time with them," she began bluntly.

“I know I got longer than a lot of women get with three months, but I just don't feel ready physically and mentally. I feel like there's so much that you think that you are going to do on maternity leave. I think you're going to accomplish so many things and do so many things with your babies. And then here I am at the end and I'm like, ‘I didn't do any of that,' but I feel like I did do a lot of this and that's one of the most important things,” she says of cuddling her sleeping babies.

“I think the hardest part is it's just like such an abrupt change that you're with your babies all the time, and then you pick them up from daycare and you might just get a few hours with them. So that's just such an abrupt change, and it's really hard.”

Moms often get pigeonholed once their babies come into the world. People assure them that their priorities will shift and they'll probably stop caring about their career (a bias sometimes called the 'maternal wall' that causes all kinds of problems when it comes to hindering moms in their work). Marissa perfectly explained how it's possible, and quite common, to want both things at once — even if it's hard.

“I also love my career. I am proud of what I do, but there's always that mom guilt of you're not giving enough time to your kids, but you can't do it all. You can't give 100% to everything. I think that's something important to remember,” she says.

“I just feel so honored to be their mom and to have gotten the past three months with them. So I'm really grateful for that. For all the working moms out there, you're amazing. Yeah, you can't do it all, but you're doing the best that you can for your kids and that's all that matters.”

Watch the whole video from Marissa's TikTok here:

@marissa_jeanne

Last day of maternity leave and I am a mess. There’s nothing that prepares you for this day in your postpartum journey. #maternityleave #maternityleaveover #postpartumjourney #pospartum #3monthspostpartum #backtowork #workingmom #workingmoms #workingmomstruggles #twinmom

People in the comments were quick to point out: It doesn't have to be this way.

"Maternity leave in the US is way too short," one user wrote.

"Our instincts want us to say with the babies," said another.

"This breaks my heart! It's so unnatural for a mom to be separated from her tiny babies," added another user.

One person noted that since Marissa had twins, she should technically get double the time off. Hard to argue that one!

Other users were quick to share examples of how parental leave in other countries puts the US to shame.

In Germany, parents can take up to three years of leave without losing their jobs! It's unpaid, but parents may apply for an allowance from the government during that time, even if they had no prior income.

In Romania, parents are entitled to 126 days of leave at 85% of their prior pay.

Maternity leave in the UK can be up to a whopping 52 weeks, with 39 of those weeks being paid (starting at 90% of their average earnings and decreasing after 6 weeks). Canada? 15 weeks of paid leave (at only 55% pay, but still!) and an additional unpaid 35 weeks after that.

When you list it out like that, 3 months of unpaid leave is absolutely pathetic. But as Marissa's reaction points out, it's not just the pay.

First, there's the physical toll. Recovering from giving birth could take 6-8 weeks at a minimum, but probably much, much longer. So we're sending moms back to work when they've just barely gotten back on their feet.

And then, even worse, there's the emotional. When your babies are just a few weeks old, you're still deep in the bonding phase, and it's unimaginably jarring to have to cut it so short and drop them off at daycare so you can go back to work so soon. Plus, about 15% of moms will have postpartum depression, which can last for several years. And a whopping 85% will deal with the "baby blues" — hormonal fluctuations that occur after giving birth for several weeks and cause anxiety, crying, and temporary depression.

Most people would agree that 3 months is just really fast to be separated from brand new babies.

It's just sad that moms who work don't get a choice. If you're not ready to go back in 3 months, there's no guarantee that you could extend your leave and keep your job. Even if your family could handle the financial strain of a longer unpaid leave period, it's just not an option for most people. It makes new parents feel cornered and scared, and frustrated by a system that's setting them up to fail.

Luckily, things are steadily getting a little bit better, with more states adopting paid leave policies and more individual employers getting on board. Let's keep the momentum going, because we've got a long way to go.