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Billions of pounds of cheese are about to go to waste. Clearly America needs your help.

Why we need to end the current cheese surplus for the sake of America's economic future.

Stop the presses. We need to eat cheese. Like, all of it. Now.

In case you haven't heard, America is in the middle of a pretty major cheese surplus.

American cheese inventories (not to be confused with "American Cheese") have reached a 30-year high, with more than 1 billion pounds of the stuff sitting uneaten on shelves across the country. Put another way: That's a lot of freaking cheese.


Clearly it is our shared duty as responsible U.S. citizens to step up our cheese consumption for the sake of this great nation we call home.

Make America grate again. GIF from Mike Bekos/Vimeo.

You're probably wondering how something as wonderful as cheese could have excess — especially since you're already eating around 34 pounds per year all by yourself. (Don't worry. So are the rest of us.)

Let's start here: cheese consumption in America has been on the rise for years. Meanwhile, global dairy production is alsoskyrocketing.

So if there's high demand and plentiful supplies, why did the price of cheddar just hit a five-year low?

GIF from Channel Cheese/YouTube. Yes, that's a real thing.

It turns out that since cheese takes a while to make — thanks to the aging process that makes it so delicious — the cheese industry has to try to predict demand for the future, years ahead of time, in hopes that the prices all balance out in the end.

But there was one thing they couldn't anticipate.

GIF from "Ratatouille."

You see, all that cheese we're munching on? More than half of it is locally sourced, while another major chunk is shipping in from overseas.

Thanks in part to the lousy value of the euro (and the aforementioned milk abundance), European cheeses are cheaper than ever — so we're buying a whole lot more. After all, why would someone buy a familiar domestic brand like Kraft when they can buy a fancy French thing?

And those who don't want to splurge on the surprisingly affordable foreign options? They're showing a surprisingly serious preference for sustainable local options.

This is all great for the cheese consumer and the local economy. But not so much for the large U.S. cheese-makers.

Which is why they're now saddled with warehouses full of curds they produced based on previously predicted market trends.

Sorry, Velveeta. GIF from Attmay/YouTube.

So for the sake of delicious string cheese, we all need to step up our game.

I know it might be challenging to do — if for no other reason than that I am definitely one of those self-centered jerks who prefers their cheese (and everything else) to be as locally-sourced as possible — much to the chagrin of those major manufacturers who bear that great burden of abundant cheesery.

But even if you don't feel bad for Big Cheese, just think of all the food that's going to waste. For that reason, I implore you to secede to the depravity of your selfless, cheese-eating impulses and eat it to your heart's content.

GIF from "Wallace and Gromit."

Feel free to buy up that cheese in every form you can find it! Add it to your toast, and your eggs, and your smoothies! Everything!

Douse your dinner in delightful dairy delicacies! Let that lovely Lünenberg linger lightly on your lips as you lap up your lunch! Boost your breakfast with blobs of blue cheese!

Make the mozzarella mingle with your sides of meat or taint your tofu with a tantalizing taleggio!

Paint your pasta with provolone and carelessly cover your cereal in cheddar!

Feed on feta as your fork fumbles with those flavorful figs!

Glob your gluten-free grains with gouda!

Have a happy heaping of havarti!

You get the idea.

GIF from "Cinderella."

Do it for the economy. Do it for your country. Or just do it for the taste. Because cheese is delicious.

Joy

1991 blooper clip of Robin Williams and Elmo is a wholesome nugget of comedic genius

Robin Williams is still bringing smiles to faces after all these years.

Robin Williams and Elmo (Kevin Clash) bloopers.

The late Robin Williams could make picking out socks funny, so pairing him with the fuzzy red monster Elmo was bound to be pure wholesome gold. Honestly, how the puppeteer, Kevin Clash, didn’t completely break character and bust out laughing is a miracle. In this short outtake clip, you get to see Williams crack a few jokes in his signature style while Elmo tries desperately to keep it together.

Williams has been a household name since what seems like the beginning of time, and before his death in 2014, he would make frequent appearances on "Sesame Street." The late actor played so many roles that if you were ask 10 different people what their favorite was, you’d likely get 10 different answers. But for the kids who spent their childhoods watching PBS, they got to see him being silly with his favorite monsters and a giant yellow canary. At least I think Big Bird is a canary.

When he stopped by "Sesame Street" for the special “Big Bird's Birthday or Let Me Eat Cake” in 1991, he was there to show Elmo all of the wonderful things you could do with a stick. Williams turns the stick into a hockey stick and a baton before losing his composure and walking off camera. The entire time, Elmo looks enthralled … if puppets can look enthralled. He’s definitely paying attention before slumping over at the realization that Williams goofed a line. But the actor comes back to continue the scene before Elmo slinks down inside his box after getting Williams’ name wrong, which causes his human co-star to take his stick and leave.

The little blooper reel is so cute and pure that it makes you feel good for a few minutes. For an additional boost of serotonin, check out this other (perfectly executed) clip about conflict that Williams did with the two-headed monster. He certainly had a way of engaging his audience, so it makes sense that even after all of these years, he's still greatly missed.

This article originally appeared on 08.21.18


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