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10 awkward friendships you probably have—we all have a #9.

Not all friendships are meant to last forever.

Comic with stick figures
via Wait But Why and used with permission

The ten types of friends

When you're a kid, or in high school or college, you usually don't have to work too hard on your friendships. Friends just kind of happen.

For a bunch of years, you're in a certain life your parents chose for you, and so are other people, and none of you have that much on your plates, so friendships inevitably form. Then in college, you're in the perfect friend-making environment, one that hits all three ingredients sociologists consider necessary for close friendships to develop: “proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other." More friendships happen.

Maybe they're the right friends, maybe they're not really. But you don't put that much thought into any of it — you're still more of a passive observer.

But once student life ends, the people in your life start to shake themselves into more distinct tiers.

It looks something like this mountain:

Infographic of a mountain

Visual interpretation of where friends fall on the mountain of “You."

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

At the top of your life mountain, in the green zone, you have your Tier 1 friends—the people who feel like brothers and sisters.

These are the people closest to you, the ones you call first when something important happens, the ones you love even when they suck, who make speeches at your wedding, whose best and worst sides you know through and through, and whose relationship with you is eternal; even if you go months or years without hanging out, nothing has changed when you find yourself together again.

Unfortunately, depending on how things went down in your youth, Tier 1 can also contain your worst enemies, the people who can ruin your day with one subtle jab that only they could word so brilliantly hurtfully, the people you feel a burning resentment for, or jealousy of, or competition with. Tier 1 is high stakes.

Below, in the yellow zone, are your Tier 2 friends: your Pretty Good friends.

Pretty Good friends are a much calmer situation than your brothers and sisters on Tier 1. You might be invited to their wedding, but you won't have any responsibilities once you're there. If you live in the same city, you might see them every month or two for dinner and have a great time when you do, but if one of you moves, you might not speak for the next year or two. And if something huge happens in their life, there's a good chance you'll hear it first from someone else.

Toward the bottom of the mountain in the orange zone, you have your Tier 3 friends: your Not Really friends.

You might grab a one-on-one drink with one of them when you move to their city, but then it surprises neither of you when five years pass and drink #2 is still yet to happen. Your relationship tends to exist mostly as part of a bigger group or through the occasional Facebook Like, and it doesn't even really stress you out when you hear that one of them made $5 million last year. You may also try to sleep with one of these people at any given time.

The lowest part of Tier 3 begins to blend indistinguishably into your large group of acquaintances (the pink zone): those people you'd stop and talk to if you saw them on the street or would maybe email for professional purposes but whom you'd never hang out with one-on-one. When you hear that something bad happens to one of these people, you might be sad but not too affected.

Finally, acquaintances gradually blend into the endless world of strangers.

And depending on who you are and how things shook out in those first 25 years, the way your particular mountain looks will vary.

For example, there's Walled-Off Wally:

Comic of a lone person on top of a mountain

Some people keep a barrier up between acquaintances.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

And Phony Phoebe, who tries to be everyone's best friend and ends up with a lot of people mad at her:

Comic of a mountain with a lot of people at the top

The life of the party.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

Even Unabomber Ulysses has a mountain:

Comic of a mostly empty mountain with one person at the top

Hermits exist.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

Whatever your particular mountain looks like, eventually the blur of your youth is behind you, the dust has settled, and there you are living your life.

Then one day, usually around your mid or late 20s, it hits you: It's not that easy to make friends anymore.

Sure, you'll make new friends in the future—at work, through your spouse, through your kids—but you won't get to that Tier 1 brothers level, or even to Tier 2, with very many of them because people who meet as adults don't tend to get through the 100+ long, lazy hangouts needed to reach a bond of that strength. As time goes on, you start to realize that the 20-year frenzy of not-especially-thought-through haphazard friend-making you just did was the critical process of you making most of your lifelong friends.

And since you matched up with most of them A) by circumstance, and B) before you really knew yourself yet, the result is that your Tier 1 and Tier 2 friends—those closest to you—fall in a very scattered way on what I'll call the Does This Friendship Make Sense? Graph:

Graph

The friendship graph.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

So, who are all those close friends in the three non-ideal quadrants?

As time goes on, most of us tend to have fewer friends in Quadrants 2 through 4 because A) people mature, and B) people have more self-respect and higher standards for what they'll deal with as they get older. But the fact is, friendships made in the formative years often stick, whether they're ideal or not, leaving most of us with a portion of our Tier 1 and Tier 2 friendships that just don't make that much sense. We'll get to the great, Quadrant 1 friendships later in the post, but in order to treat those relationships properly, we need to take a thorough look at the odd ones first.

Here are 10 common ones:

1. The non-question-asking friend

Comic of two people at dinner

Odd moments that happen between friends.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

You'll be having a good day. You'll be having a bad day. You'll be happy at work. You'll quit your job. You'll fall in love. You'll catch your new love cheating on you and murder them both in an act of incredible passion. And it doesn't matter, because none of it will be discussed with The Non-Question-Asking Friend, who never, ever, ever asks you anything about your life. This friend can be explained in one of three ways:

  1. He's extremely self-absorbed and only wants to talk about himself.
  2. He avoids getting close to people and doesn't want to talk about either you or himself or anything personal, just third-party topics.
  3. He thinks you're insufferably self-absorbed and knows if he asks you about your life, you'll talk his ear off about it.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt here, we're left with two possibilities. Possibility #1 isn't fun at all and this person should not be allowed space on Tier 1. The green part of the mountain is sacred territory, and super self-absorbed people shouldn't be permitted to set foot up there. Put him on Tier 2 and just be happy you're not dating him.

Possibility #2 is a pretty dark situation for your friend, but it can actually be fun for you. I have a friend who I've hung out with one-on-one about four times in the last year, and he has no idea Wait But Why exists. I've known him for 14 years and I'm not sure he knows if I have siblings or not. But I actually enjoy the shit out of this friend—sure, there's a limit on how close we'll ever be, but without ever spending time talking about our lives, we actually end up in a lot of fun, interesting conversations.

2. The friend in the group you can't be alone with under any circumstances

Comic of three stick people having a conversation

Why have relationships when there is a phone around?

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

In almost every group of friends, there's one pair who can't ever be alone together. It's not that they dislike each other—they might get along great—it's just that they have no individual friendship with each other whatsoever. This leaves both of them petrified of the lumbering elephant that appears in the room anytime they're alone together. They're way too on top of shit to ever end up in the car alone together if a group is going somewhere in multiple cars, but there are smaller dangers afoot—like being the first two to arrive at a restaurant or being in a group of three when the third member goes to the bathroom.

The thing is, sometimes it's not even that these people couldn't have an individual friendship—it's just that they don't, and neither one has the guts to try to make that leap when things have gone on for so long as is.

3. The non-character-breaking friend you have to be “on" with

Comic of stick people laughing together

Controlled intimacy and distancing through language.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

This is a friend who's terrified of having an earnest interaction, and as such, your friendship with him is always in some kind of skityou always have to be on when you're interacting.

Sometimes the skit is that you both burst out laughing at everything constantly. He can only exist with you in “This is so fucking hilarious, it's too much!" mode, so you have to be in some kind of joke-telling or sarcastic mode yourself at all times or he'll become socially horrified.

Another version of this is the “always and only ironic" friend, who you really bum out if you ever break that social shell and say something earnest. This type of person hates earnest people because someone being earnest dares him to come out from under his ironic safety blanket and let the sun touch his face, and no fucking thanks.

A third example is the “You're great, I'm great, ugh why is everyone else so terrible and not great like us" friend. Of course, she doesn't really think you're perfectly great at all—if she were with someone else, you'd be one of the voodoo dolls on the table to be dissected and scoffed at. The key here is that the two of you must be on a team at all times while interacting. The only comfortable mode for this person is bonding with you by building a little pedestal for you both to stand on while you criticize everyone else. You can either play along and everything will go smoothly, even though you'll both despise yourselves and each other the whole time, or you can commit the ultimate sin and have the integrity to disagree with the friend or defend a non-present party the friend criticizes. Doing this will shatter the fragile team vibe and make the friend recoil and say something quietly like, “Hm ... yeah ... I guess." The friend now respects you for the first time and will also criticize you extra hard next time she's playing her pedestal game with a different friend.

What these all have in common is the friend has tall walls up, at least toward you, and so she builds a little skit for you two to hang out in to make sure any authentic connection can be avoided. Sometimes that person only does this out of her own social anxiety and can become a great, authentic friend if you can just stomp through the ice. Other times, the person is just hopelessly scared and closed off and there's no hope and you have to get out.

In any case, I can't stand these interactions and am in a full panic the entire time they're happening.

4. The double-obligated friendship

Comic of two men chatting a table with balls and chains around their legs

I think we need a bigger table.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

Think of a friend you get together with from time to time, which usually happens after a long and lackluster email or text exchange during which you just can't find a time that works for both of you — and you're never really happy when these plans are being made and not really psyched when you wake up and it's finally on your schedule for that day.

Maybe you're aware that you don't want to be friends with that person, or maybe you're delusional about it — but what you're most likely not aware of is that they probably don't want to see you either.

There are lopsided situations where one person is far more interested in hanging out than the other (we'll get to those later), but in the case we're talking about here, both parties often think it's a lopsided situation without realizing that the other person actually feels the same way — that's why it takes so long to schedule a time. When someone's excited about something, they figure out how to get it into their schedule; when they're not, they figure out ways to push it farther into the future.

Sometimes you don't think hard enough about it to even realize you don't like being friends with the person, and other times you really like the idea or the aesthetic of being friends with that particular person — being friends with them is part of your Story. But even in cases where you're perfectly lucid about your feelings, since neither of you knows the other feels the same way and neither has the guts to just cut things off or move it down a tier, this friendship usually just continues along for eternity.

5. The half-marriage

Two stick people each holding a half of a heart

An ego boost through controlling the relationship.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

Somewhere in your life, you're probably part of a friendship that would be a marriage if only the other person weren't very, very, extremely not interested in that happening. 1 for 2 on yes votes — just one vote away — so close.

You might be on either side of this — and either way, it's one of the least healthy parts of your life. Fun!

If you're on the if only side of things, probably the right move is to get your fucking shit together? Ya know? This friendship is one long, continuous rejection of you as a human being, and you're just wallowing there in your yearning like a sobbing little seal. Plus, duh, if you gather your self-respect and move on with your life, it'll raise their perception of your value and they might actually become interested in you.

If you're on the Oh yeah, definitely not side of the situation, here's what's happening: There's this suffering human in the world, and you know they're suffering, and you fucking love it, because it gives your little ego a succulent sponge bath every time you hang out with them. You enjoy it so much you probably even lead them on intentionally, don't you — you make sure to keep just enough ambiguity in the situation that their bleeding heart continues to lather your ego from head to toe at your whim.

Both of you — go do something else.

6. The historical friend

Stick person in historical garb beside a regular stick person

We met in kindergarten.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

A Historical Friend is someone you became friends with in the first place because you met when you were little and stayed friends through the years, even though you're a very weird match. Most old friends fall somewhat into this category, but a true Historical Friend is someone you absolutely would not be friends with if you met them today.

You're not especially pleased with who they are, and they feel the same way about you. You're not each other's type one bit. Unfortunately, you're also extremely close friends from when you were four, and you're both just a part of each other's situation forever, sorry.

7. The non-parallel life paths friendship

Two stick people on opposite paths

Looking for love in all the wrong places.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

Throughout childhood and much of young adulthood, most people your age are in the same life stage as you are. But when it comes to advancing into full adulthood, people do so at widely varying paces, which leads to certain friends suddenly having totally different existences from one another.

Anyone within three years of 30 has a bunch of these going on. It's just a weird time for everyone. Some people have become Future 52-year-olds, while others are super into being Previous 21-year-olds. At some point, things will start to meld together again, but being 30-ish is the friendship equivalent of a kid going through an awkward pubescent stage.

There are darker, more permanent Non-Parallel Life Path situations. Like when Person A starts to become a person who rejects material wealth, partially because she genuinely feels that pursuing an artistic path matters more and partially because she needs a defense mechanism against feeling envious of richer people, and Person B's path makes her scoff at people who pursue creative paths, partially because she genuinely thinks expressing yourself is an inherently narcissistic venture and partially because she needs a defense mechanism against feeling regretful that she never pursued her creative dreams — these two will have problems.

They may still like each other, but they can't be as close as they used to be — each of their lives is a bit of a middle finger at the other's choices, and that's jst awkward for everyone. It's not always that bad — but to survive an Off-Line Life Situation, friends need to be really different people who don't at all want the same things out of life.

8. The frenemy

One stick person offers another stick person poison pretending it's safe

This is awful. Taste it.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

The Frenemy roots very hard against you. And I'm not talking about the friends that will feel a little twinge of pleasure when they hear your big break didn't pan out after all or that your relationship is in bad shape. I'm not even talking about someone who secretly roots against you when they're not doing so well at some area of life and it hurts them to see you do better. Those are bad emotions, but they can exist in people who are still good friends.

I'm talking about a real Frenemy — someone who really wants bad things for you. Because you're you.

You and the Frenemy usually go way back, have a very deep friendship, and the trouble probably started a long time ago. There's a lot of complex psychology going on in these situations that I don't fully understand, but my hunch is that a Frenemy's resentment is rooted in his own pain, or his own shortcomings, or his own regret — and for some reason, your existence stings them in these places hard.

A little less dark but no less harmful is a bully situation where a friend sees some weakness or vulnerability in you and she enjoys prodding you there either for sadistic reasons or to prop herself up.

A Frenemy knows how to hurt you better than anyone because you're deeply similar in some way and she knows how you're wired. She'll do whatever she can to bring you down any chance she gets, often in such a subtle way it's hard to see that it's happening.

Whatever the reason, if you have a Frenemy in your life, kick her toxic ass off your mountain, or at least kick her down the mountain — just get her off of Tier 1. A Frenemy has about a 10th of the power to hurt you from Tier 2 as she does from Tier 1.

9. The Facebook celebrity friend

Comic of a computer with photo grid

What’s happening on social media?

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

This person isn't a celebrity to anyone other than you, you creep. You know exactly who I'm talking about — there are a small handful of people whose Facebook page you're uncomfortably well-acquainted with, and those people have no idea that this is happening. On the plus side, there are people out there you haven't spoken to in seven years who know all about the new thing you're trying with your hair, since it goes both ways.

This is a rare Tier 3 friend, or even an acquaintance, who qualifies as an odd friendship because you found a way to make it unhealthy even though you're not actually friends. Well done.

10. The lopsided friendship

Two stick women discussing dinner

Can I make all the decisions... that was rhetorical.

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

There are a lot of ways a friendship can be lopsided: Someone can be higher on their friend's mountain than vice versa. Someone can want to spend more time with a friend than vice versa. One member can consistently do 90% of the listening and only 10% of the talking, and in situations where most of the talking is about life problems, what's happening is a one-sided therapy situation, with a badly off-balance give-and-take ratio, and that's not much of a friendship—it's someone using someone else.

And then there's the lopsided power friendship. Of course, this is a hideous quality in many not-great couples, but it's also a prominent feature of plenty of friendships.

A near 50/50 friendship is ideal, but anything out to 65/35 is fine and can often be attributed to two different styles of personality. It's when the number gap gets even wider that something less healthy is going on—something that doesn't reflect very well on either party.

There are some obvious ways to assess the nature of a friendship's power dynamic: Does one person cut in and interrupt the other person while they're talking far more than the other way around? Is one person's opinion or preference just kind of understood to carry more weight than the other's? Is one person allowed to be more of a dick to the other than vice versa?

Another interesting litmus test is what I call the “mood determiner test." This comes into play when two friends get together but they're in very different moods — the idea is, whose mood “wins" and determines the mood of the hangout. If Person A is in a bad mood, Person B is in a good mood, and Person B reacts by being timid and respectful of Person A's mood, leaving the vibe down there until Person A snaps out of it on her own — but when the moods are reversed, Person B quickly disregards her own bad mood and acts more cheerful to match Person A's happy mood — and this is how it always goes — then Person A is in a serious power position.

But hey, not all friendships are grim.

In the Does This Friendship Make Sense graph above, the friendships we just discussed are all in Quadrants 2, 3, or 4 — i.e., they're all a bit unenjoyable, unhealthy, or both. That's why this has been depressing. On the bright side, there's also Quadrant 1—all the friendships that do make sense.

No friendship is perfect, but those in Quadrant 1 are doing what friendships are supposed to do: They're making the lives of both parties better. And when a friendship is both in Quadrant 1 of the graph and on Tier 1 of your mountain, that friendship is a rock in your life.

Rock friendships don't just make us happy — they're the thing (along with rock family and romantic relationships) that makes us happy.

Investing serious time and energy into those is a no-brainer long-term life strategy. But in the case of most people over 25—at least in New York— I think A) not enough time is carved out as dedicated friend time, and B) the time that is carved out is spread too thin, and too evenly, among the Tier 1 and Tier 2 friendships in all four quadrants. I'm definitely guilty of this myself.

There's something I call the Perpetual Catch-Up Trap. When you haven't seen a good friend in a long time, the first order of business is a big catch-up — you want to know what's going on in their career, with their girlfriend, with their family, etc., and they want to catch up on your life. In theory, once this happens, you can go back to just hanging out, shooting the shit, and actually being in the friendship. The problem is, when you don't make enough time for good friends, seeing them only for a meal and not that often — you end up spending each get-together catching up, and you never actually get to just enjoy the friendship or get far past the surface. That's the Perpetual Catch-Up Trap, and I find myself falling into it with way too many of the rocks in my life.

There are two orders of business right now:

First, think about your friendships, figure out which ones aren't in Quadrant 1, and demote them down the mountain. I'm not suggesting you stop being friends with those people—you still love them and feel loyal to them, and old friends are critical to hold onto—but if the friendships aren't that healthy or enjoyable, they don't really deserve to be in your Tier 1, and you probably shouldn't be in theirs. Most importantly, doing this clears up time to...

Second, dedicate even more time to the Quadrant 1, Tier 1 rocks in your life. If you're in your mid-20s or older, your current rocks are probably the only ones you'll ever have. Your rock friendships don't warrant two times the time you give to your other friends—they warrant five or 10 times!

Your rocks deserve serious, dedicated time so you can stay close. So go make plans with them.


This article was written by Tim Urban and originally published on Wait But Why. It originally appeared here nine years ago.

Pets

Dogs really do have favorite people, and here's how they decide who it will be

Sometimes their favorite people don't live in their house.

Dogs really do have favorite people. Here's how they decide

When my sister's dog, Junior, was on this side of the Rainbow Bridge, I was one of his favorite people. This dog would get full body wags every time I came around, and we'd spend most of the day cuddled up with each other. Now my dog, Cocolina, behaves in the same way whenever my sister comes to visit. But what goes into a dog deciding who their favorite person is? Spoiler, it's not always the person they live with.

Like humans, animals have their own personalities. You might rescue a dog thinking it will be the perfect companion, only to have the furry adoptee spend every waking moment following your partner around. You could spend hundreds of dollars on vet checkups, new harnesses, treats, and all the squeaky dog toys you can find, but that still won't be enough to convince a dog to love you. Instead of showering the giver of treats with kisses, they make goo-goo eyes at the pet sitter. It turns out they have their reasons.


dogs; dogs favorite; dog's best friend; pets; people and pets; rescue animals Corgi cuddles spreading joy and smiles!Photo credit: Canva

Since our canine friends can't talk, we have to rely on the experts to explain what the deal is with how dogs pick their favorite human. Carol Erickson, a Pennsylvania SPCA animal advocate, gave a brief interview with CBS News Philadelphia to explain her take on how dogs determine their bestest, most favorite person.

"What it comes down to for all dogs is they decide their very favorite family member by who gives the most consistent, high-quality attention, play, and physical affection: ear rubs, scratches, that sort of thing. Dogs get positive associations from being around people who consistently provide positive experiences, including treats, meals, play that they enjoy, and remember also that early association in those first six months can influence who a dog may like better later on," she tells the outlet.

Rover backs up Erickson's claim that the first six months are crucial in determining who will become the dog's favorite person later in life. The website says, "Many dogs bond hardest to whoever cares for them during their key socialization period, which occurs between birth and six months." However, they later note that dogs can still be socialized appropriately even as adults.

The dog-sitting website also explains that it's not uncommon for people who are not the dog's primary caregiver to be their favorite person. Pointing out that physical affection is vital to dogs, if the mailman gives out head scratches daily but the owner doesn't, the mailman may become the dog's favorite person. While physical affection and treats go a long way for some pooches, those aren't the only things that get puppy eyes melting with love.

dogs; dogs favorite; dog's best friend; pets; people and pets; rescue animals Joyful moments with furry friends! 🐶❤️Photo credit: Canva

"While positive experiences play a big role, a dog’s favorite person isn’t always just the one holding the treat bag. Dogs also respond to emotional connection, tone of voice, and even body language. Their preferences are shaped by a mix of familiarity, trust, and how well a person understands their needs," explains Elle Vet Sciences. They later add, "Dogs also take emotional cues from us. If a person is stressed, loud, or inconsistent, a dog may be less likely to form a deep bond with them. On the other hand, someone who offers reassurance and stability often earns the title of 'favorite' without even realizing it."

In short, if you want to be your dog's bestie, being consistent with affection, actions, and even training and grooming will get you there a lot faster than treats alone. Dogs aren't trying to be persnickety; just like humans, they enjoy being around people who show them that they enjoy their company—and maybe some treats.

Images via Canva/martin-dm, Daniel Torobekov

Dolphin parenting is a firm yet flexible parenting style.

People are choosing a number of different parenting styles to raise their kids today. From gentle parenting to FAFO parenting, there are seemingly endless options to choose from.

One parenting style that is geared to instill creativity and independence in kids is called "dolphin parenting." Coined by Harvard-trained psychiatrist Dr. Shimi Kang, the term describes parents who have a more authoritative parenting style.


"Like the body of the dolphin, these parents are firm yet flexible," she writes in Psychology Today. "Dolphin parents have rules and expectations but also value creativity and independence. They are collaborative and use guiding and role modeling to raise their kids."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Dolphin parents are "adaptable, community-minded and valuing play, a sense of social connection, and the daily tasks of downtime, routine, regular sleep, exercise," says Kang, the author of The Dolphin Parent: A Guide to Raising Healthy, Happy, and Self-Motivated Kids.

She adds that this parenting style benefits kids long into their young adulthood. "When we parent that way, when we bring in that collaborative guiding, firm and flexible dolphin approach, we see young people with better physical/mental health, better self-motivation, better sense of creativity, innovation and problem solving," she says.

As a mother of three, Kang shares that she was raised by a "Dolphin Mom" and became one herself. "She had rules and expectations, including expecting us to do well in academics and be disciplined. But she also valued our autonomy, individual passions and independent choices," she explains in TIME.

According to Kang, there are six pillars of Dolphin Moms:

- Are balanced and collaborative
- Do not overschedule
- Do not over instruct
- Do not over protect
- Create a pod of support
- Adapt

There are two other styles of parenting that Kang has identified: tiger parenting (authoritarian parenting) and jellyfish parenting (permissive parenting). Dolphin parenting falls between these two.

Dolphin parenting's authoritative focus does not shut kids down, though. "With authoritative parenting, the doors of communications are open on either side, giving kids the space to make mistakes and express themselves in a respectful manner," Kang writes in Psychology Today.

dolphin, dolphin parent, dolphin parenting, parenting, parenting style A mother helps her daughter with the computer. Credit: August de Richelieu/Pexels

Kang cites research from the Harvard-based Grant Study of Adult Development to support dolphin parenting.

"It showed that the ability to adapt creatively and 'make lemonade out of lemons' was a key determinant of success," she explains in a post on her website. "In addition, individuals who displayed altruism and a sense of humor during conflict and stress were more likely to be in the top quarter of the 'happy-well' group, and those who scored highest on measurements of 'warm relationships' in childhood earned an average of $141,000 a year more at their peak salaries (usually between ages 55 and 60) than those who scored lowest."

Kang also notes that "other important predictors of being 'happy-well' were important lifestyle factors such as not smoking, little use of alcohol, regular exercise, and maintenance of normal weight."

Simply put, dolphin parenting is another parenting style that just might be the best for raising kids to be healthy, happy, and independent.

Credit: Canva

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.


conversation, friends, small talk, chatting Two women chatting in front of a fire. Credit: Atlantic Ambience/Pexels

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement:

"It reminds me of…”

A Redditor recently shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun:

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


- YouTube www.youtube.com

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologuing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

conversation, small talk, chatting, cafe Two guys chat at a cafe. Credit: Helena Lopes/Pexels

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.


Pets

Veterinarian shares 7 signs a cat loves you, even if it seems like they couldn't care less

What looks like aloof behavior in cats is often a sign of love.

Cats don't always show their affection in the way we expect.

One of the reasons so many people love dogs is that they usually make their bond with their favorite humans quite clear. Dogs wear their loyalty and affinity on their sleeve, whereas cats are a bit more...aloof.

Sure, some cats are affectionate little cuddle bugs, but many cats seem as if they couldn't care less about anyone, and even the snuggly ones can't be coaxed into affection if they're not into it at the moment. That doesn't mean they aren't feeling or expressing love, though. Some of the behaviors that make cats appear bored or disinterested are actually signs that they like you.


Dr. Sarah Wooten, a small animal veterinarian, shared a list of 7 signs that a cat loves you with Cats.com, and it might make cat owners feel better about their feline friendships.

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1. Slow Blinking

When a cat sits across from you and stares at you with sleepy-looking eyes, blinking slowly, it might seem like they're bored or tired. But those slow blinks are actually how they communicate peace and connection. "If you're seeing that with your cat, they love you," says Dr. Wooten.

2. Lap Sitting

One of our cats loves to sit in our laps, but only with her head facing away from us, which feels a bit impersonal. We'll take it, though, since sitting in our laps is apparently a sign of love.

"Not all cats love a large amount of body contact, petting, and things like that with humans," says Dr. Wooten. "Remember every cat is individual…but if your cat is a touchy-feely cat and loves to be touched by humans, then sitting in your lap for an extended period of time is definitely a sign that your cat loves and trusts you."

cats, pets, signs a cat loves you, kitties, animal behavior Cat sitting in a woman's lapPhoto credit: Canva

3. Present Dropping

If you've never had a cat bring you a dead mouse or the head of a bird or some other disgusting offering, consider yourself lucky. However, if you have, you should also consider yourself lucky, as it means your cat loves you. "Even though to us humans it seems pretty unsavory, to your cat it is a sign of love and dedication," says Wooten. Of course, it's not always dead animals—sometimes cats might bring you inanimate objects they've collected (which makes you doubly lucky).

4. Kneading Biscuits

The rhythmic kneading cats do on blankets, pillows, or their humans is a behavior that mimics what they did while nursing as kittens. "It's just a leftover instinctual thing that they do when they feel super happy and super connected," says Wooten. "So if your cat makes biscuits when they're near you, that is a sign of love and connection."

cats, pets, signs a cat loves you, kitties, animal behavior Cat making biscuitsPhoto credit: Canva

5. Purring

This one might seem like a no-brainer, but purring doesn't always mean affection. Cats purr for many reasons, including happiness or contentment, but also for pain or sickness.

"But if your cat's just hanging out at home and they're near you, and suddenly you hear the motor go on, that's a pretty good sign that they love you," says Wooten.

6. Rubbing or "Bunting"

If a cat comes up and rubs its face or body on you, that's a sign of love and connection. It's called bunting, and essentially, it's how the cat marks you as "theirs."

"Cats have scent markers in their paws, they have them on their face…and they also have them on the base of their tail," says Wooten. "So what cats will often do is they will rub their paws or their face or their tail on the people that they love and consider to be their property."

cats, pets, signs a cat loves you, kitties, animal behavior Who knew yawning and stretching could be a sign of love?Photo credit: Canva

7. Yawning and Stretching

Much like slow blinking, yawning, and stretching may easily be mistaken for sleepiness, but there's often more to it than that. It's a sign that they are comfy around you. "Especially if they're sleeping, if they see you [and] suddenly they get up, maybe they meow at you and then they yawn and they stretch, they get everything all good and feeling good, and then they come hang out with you, it's a sign of love," says Wooten. "That's a sign that they're very comfortable and that they're very happy to see you."

Cats may appear to be standoffish or only affectionate when they feel like it, but it could be that they are showing you they love you in ways that you might not recognize. Cats can be a lot harder to read than dogs, but they really do love us—just not always in the ways we expect.

Photo Credit: Canva

A person rushes through the airport. A man looks at a clock.

English writer and theologian William Penn once famously said, "Time is what we want most, but what we use worst." Most likely, he meant that most of us squander the time given to us, as though it’s an endless resource. But, for the sake of this topic, let's also apply it to those of us who simply can't manage time properly.

We all have those friends who are shockingly, chronically late to everything—and those who are always early. (I'm the latter, and it seems to be equally annoying to the people in my life.) The question is why are we this way and how can we learn to co-exist? There are many reasons that contribute to how we manage time, and they of course depend on a variety of individualized factors, but one theory floating around is actually how full or empty we see the proverbial cup.


From an article posted on University of Southern California's School of Psychology site, it all comes down to our bias toward optimism or pessimism. For the late arrivers, it's called the planning fallacy. "Psychologist Daniel Kahneman and colleague Amos Tversky introduced the concept in 1979, defining it as 'the tendency to underestimate the amount of time needed to complete a future task, due in part to the reliance on overly optimistic performance scenarios.'"

In other words, they might feel it will all "flow" as it's supposed to, so there's no need to plan ahead. "Psychologists call this mindset 'optimism bias.' While being optimistic has its benefits, such as an improved state of well-being, getting caught in the constant cycle of optimism bias can cause issues at work that impact productivity."

In a piece for The Decision Lab, author Kira Warje,further explains, "Whether it's building a house, launching a product, or studying for an exam, people tend to create overly optimistic timelines and budgets. This happens because we focus too much on the best-case scenario and ignore relevant historical data or potential setbacks."

She also explains the notion that an outsider would estimate time differently, writing, "Interestingly, the planning fallacy only affects estimations about one’s own task completion times. Outside observers tend to lean in the opposite direction, overestimating the time needed to complete a task."

As for the early-arrivers, we perhaps overestimate the amount of time something will take. Often this is driven by anxiety in general, but to couch it in similar terms, this would be a pessimism bias.

In her article for VegOut Magazine, culinary writer and chef Maya Flores she shares eight traits that people who often arrive early share. One is "They have a physical discomfort with rushing." This, at least for me, is so true. And although early-arrivers often tend to pessimistically assess a situation, we are actively trying to avoid feeling the discomfort that comes with rushing.

rushing, planning, being late, anxiety, travel A person drives frantically. Giphy GIF by HRejterzy

Another trait Flores shares is, "They have a complex relationship with control." This doesn't imply they're "control freaks." Flores writes, "They've identified what's actually within their power (when they leave, how they prepare) and released the rest. That need for control over their own state—their calmness, their preparation, their transition time—remains non-negotiable."

And if one digs even further, there may be deep-seated reasons for it. "Many early arrivers have a story: the time they were devastatingly late for something important, a chaotic childhood where nothing started on time, or a formative experience of keeping someone important waiting. They're not necessarily traumatized, but they've decided: never again."

In the Reddit post "Is anybody else chronically, pathologically EARLY?" there are well over 400 comments, many of whom back up the theory that this began in our formative years. One commenter writes, "My mom was 10 minutes late for everything my entire life, and I’ve been mortified by it for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t a crazy amount of time, but it was for things you just can’t be late to, weddings, doctor’s appointment, jury duty, that kinda thing. I’m always early because of her haha."

clock, time management, being late, being early, planning fallacy A clock does its thing. Giphy GIF by MOODMAN

Another shares, "Same here. I spent so much time experiencing consequences for other people’s lateness or waiting endlessly to be picked up as if the person responsible didn’t know what time things ended, so I have just chosen the opposite. I’m rarely dramatically early, but I can’t be late to things that have a firm start time."

Then there are those who have mastered the art of being "exactly on time." In an article for The Expert Editor, author Lachlan Brown, discusses these folks, who retain traits from both groups. "They possess a heightened sense of responsibility" and "they value structure and routine." If one has these characteristics, without the anxiety that often comes with them (at least for us early birds), they can land somewhere in the coveted middle.