There's nothing more beautiful than being your truest, most authentic self. For Tamara Dodds, getting there was a long journey.
While she was assigned "male" at birth, Tamara knew early on that she just didn't fit in.
"I've always struggled with the idea that I had a feminine side," she says.
"I think it was grade seven when I finally decided that I was going to try putting lipstick on," she says. "So I did and I nearly cried because I loved it."
Since she didn't feel like she could express who she truly was yet, Tamara says she closed herself off from others. She hunched. She didn't talk to people. She forced herself into a stereotypical gender role that wasn't right for her.
Tamara Dodds. All photos via Maybelline.
This went on for 25 years.
"I did a photo shoot with a friend and I realized that the biggest difference is that I was smiling as a girl and as a guy I was just kind of forcing it." Tamara says. "I was never really happy."
Not being able to be open about who she was for over two decades took its toll on Tamara. And, unfortunately her experience is far from unique.
Despite the progress the transgender community has made in the past several decades, coming out is still an incredibly difficult proposition. According to recent research, trans people in America face a disproportionate amount of violence and discrimination. Staying silent about one's gender identity, however, also comes with the risk of many negative outcomes, including emotional distress and self-harm.
For many, this means a choice of hiding who they are or risking backlash from those who don't understand.
"There is a stigma on being trans," Tamara says. "There is absolutely a fear associated with coming out. "You're worried about losing people that you care about."
"It makes me sad she was in such pain," says Monica Prata, the gender consultant who worked with Tamara on refining her femininity.
"The number of trans people who contemplate suicide is incredibly high. It's a byproduct of feeling like you're not accepted for you are. You can't share who you are with the world."
However, when Tamara made the choice to live out loud, she discovered something important: She felt truly beautiful.
Society's standards of beauty are incredibly narrow. Turn on a television, pick up a magazine, and you'll see the same types of faces and bodies staring back at you. So what do you do when you feel like yours doesn't fit?
For Tamara, coming out allowed her to discover who she is inside, and that person is radiant. Part of that was figuring out what makeup and attire helped her be as feminine on the outside as she felt on the inside.
"I started to realize that as a woman I was coming out of my shell and I was communicating with people," she says. "Isn't that how life is supposed to be lived?"
"I wanted to stop hiding."
"It's not putting on a dress or putting on heels that make you a woman, it's how you feel wearing those things that makes you who you are," Tamara says. "I am a woman. There is no doubt about that. I've always been one. It's that I needed to unlock it. "
"You have an image in your head of what you want to look like...to meet that expectation is incredibly emotional because you never actually expect to meet the expectation."
Tamara is standing up for what's truly important. And she's helping others find their true selves, too.
She's not just being true to herself by being open about who she is. She's making a statement that transcends society's idea of what a woman "should" be, because being a woman isn't about what you wear or how you fix your hair. It's about strength, courage, and the knowledge that no matter who you are, you deserve to be treated with kindness, love, and respect.
"Being a woman to me is being unafraid of what people think, unafraid of how people will treat you," Tamara says. Every trans person deserves to be loved because we're all in this together."
"I hope that anybody struggling with what I struggled with just decides to be yourself," she adds. "And never give up on your dreams because they're possible. They're absolutely possible."
"I'm here right now. I didn't think that was gonna happen. But it did."
To learn more about Tamara's story, check out the video below:
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.