Four times, Brian typed out an honest response to send to his guy friends in their group text message. But he didn't share a single one of them. All four times, Brian — the fictional main character in a new PSA from the It's On Us campaign — caved before hitting send.
Brian's friends' convo began like many do after a night out drinking: reminiscing about what happened hours earlier.
"Morning," Dave began. "Everyone still with us?"
"Not sure Mike's girl is," Ed replied.
"Lol," Mike piped in. "Drunkest. Sex. Ever."
Brian decided to be frank. "Dude," he typed. "Hooking up with that girl was messed up." But then he thought twice, and deleted it. Instead, he typed out, "That was sexual assault or whatever."
He deleted that message too.
GIF via It's On Us/YouTube.
The disturbing conversation continued.
A pic was shared mocking one of the women Brian's friend slept with.
"Chick was trashed," Dave remarked.
"Ugh," Brian wrote, increasingly frustrated. "You guys are part of the problem." Again, he decided against sending it. He sent nothing instead.
"Who even was that?" Ed replied a moment later.
"That's the girl you raped," Brian wrote candidly — before deleting it again.
GIF via It's On Us/YouTube.
After all that, Brian went with a grimacing face emoji. The group laughed off the emoji, and quickly moved on to breakfast plans — as if the rapes never even happened.
It's scary to think Brian's friends dismissed the fact that Ed and Mike had assaulted women the night before. It's even scarier to think how often a conversation like that actually happens.
Maybe Dave and Carl were sitting alone debating if they should say something about the assaults too, like Brian had been doing. But neither of them did. Through their choice to stay quiet, every bystander encouraged the behavior.
But, research shows friends actually can make a big difference when they speak up about sexual assault. In 2014, NPR reported that evidence suggests a man is more likely to commit acts of sexual violence when he has friends who dismiss (or even encourage) it. The opposite is also true.
Peer pressure — for better or worse — makes a big difference.
"One of the things that matters most to boys and emerging adult men is the opinion of other men," John Foubert, a researcher at Oklahoma State University, explained to NPR.
That's an important distinction between other botched, victim-blaming efforts to curb sexual violence and the It's On Us campaign.
As its name suggests, It's On Us focuses on men.
We shouldn't be telling women to avoid short skirts and liquor in order to not get raped. We should be telling men and boys not to be rapists.
"Guys, if you know someone who's had sex with a girl who didn't or couldn't consent, it's on you to confront him," former Vice President Joe Biden, a leading voice of the campaign, said in the PSA's closing. "Fear is no excuse. You can help put an end to sexual assault."
Watch the PSA by It's On Us below:
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.