The sakondry bugs of Madagascar are pulling off quite a feat: helping to thwart starvation, relieving biodiversity loss and saving lemurs. All while tasting like delicious bacon.
These small cricket-like insects have long been a well-loved snack for locals. Pro tip: Find the youngest ones (those are said to be the tastiest), give them a quick wash, pinch off the heads then toss them in a pan with some water and salt, and voila … a crispy, crunchy savory morsel.
“They’re quite soft when they’ve been fried … Like a nutty bacon,” Lewis Kramer, a conservation research coordinator, told Metro.co.uk.
“I would happily have a bowl of them with a beer,” he joked. Nutritionally speaking, however, the sakondry are much more than a snack. They might as well be singing Lizzo’s “Juice” ‘cause baby, they’re the whole damn meal.
Insects generally tend to provide a viable protein, fat and mineral source, all while requiring less land, water and feed than meat.These facts are more crucial than ever, as around 1.64 million people in Madagascar are enduring an undeniable food crisis. Horrifically destructive tropical storms and relentless droughts—which the UN directly links to climate change—have led to desperate measures. Metro.co.uk reported that people were forced to eat ash mixed with tamarind and leather from shoes to temporarily stave off hunger.
As a last resort, some villages have taken to hunting forest animals, including the already heavily endangered lemur. With nearly 94% of the species threatened with extinction, this is hardly a sustainable option.
But U.K.-based organization SEED Madagascar aims to address these issues with a novel solution: a bacon bug farm.
Created by anthropologist Dr. Cortni Borgerson, the program helps communities plant and grow the bean plants known to locals as tsidimy (also edible, so win-win). The tsidimy will attract colonies of sakonry after only six to eight weeks. Those colonies can then be harvested about a month later.
Knowing that a love for card playing is part Malagasy culture, Borgerson created a deck of cards to act as a creative user manual the farmers can refer to for best practices and troubleshooting. The deck includes everything from how to care for tsidimy seedlings to how to differentiate between male and female sakondry.
In only one year, these farms have raised more than 90,000 harvest-sized sakondry, which provided the annual protein equivalent of 2,700 eggs. Borgerson told Mongabay News that the program has also saved 25-50 lemurs per community each year.
As delicious and nutritious and sustainable as they are, the sakondry remain quite mysterious. But while research is still being conducted, these little bacon bugs are becoming a part of a well-balanced diet (and ecosystem) for Madagascar.
Now … who’s ready for an S.L.T.? Sakondry, lettuce and tomato sandwich, that is. Or perhaps some eggs with a side of sakondry? A maple sakondry donut, perhaps? The possibilities are endless.
In March 2023, after months of preparation and paperwork, Anita Omary arrived in the United States from her native Afghanistan to build a better life. Once she arrived in Connecticut, however, the experience was anything but easy.
“When I first arrived, everything felt so strange—the weather, the environment, the people,” Omary recalled. Omary had not only left behind her extended family and friends in Afghanistan, she left her career managing child protective cases and supporting refugee communities behind as well. Even more challenging, Anita was five months pregnant at the time, and because her husband was unable to obtain a travel visa, she found herself having to navigate a new language, a different culture, and an unfamiliar country entirely on her own.
“I went through a period of deep disappointment and depression, where I wasn’t able to do much for myself,” Omary said.
Then something incredible happened: Omary met a woman who would become her close friend, offering support that would change her experience as a refugee—and ultimately the trajectory of her entire life.
Understanding the journey
Like Anita Omary, tens of thousands of people come to the United States each year seeking safety from war, political violence, religious persecution, and other threats. Yet escaping danger, unfortunately, is only the first challenge. Once here, immigrant and refugee families must deal with the loss of displacement, while at the same time facing language barriers, adapting to a new culture, and sometimes even facing social stigma and anti-immigrant biases.
Welcoming immigrant and refugee neighbors strengthens the nation and benefits everyone—and according to Anita Omary, small, simple acts of human kindness can make the greatest difference in helping them feel safe, valued, and truly at home.
A warm welcome
Dee and Omary's son, Osman
Anita Omary was receiving prenatal checkups at a woman’s health center in West Haven when she met Dee, a nurse.
“She immediately recognized that I was new, and that I was struggling,” Omary said. “From that moment on, she became my support system.”
Dee started checking in on Omary throughout her pregnancy, both inside the clinic and out.
“She would call me and ask am I okay, am I eating, am I healthy,” Omary said. “She helped me with things I didn’t even realize I needed, like getting an air conditioner for my small, hot room.”
Soon, Dee was helping Omary apply for jobs and taking her on driving lessons every weekend. With her help, Omary landed a job, passed her road test on the first attempt, and even enrolled at the University of New Haven to pursue her master’s degree. Dee and Omary became like family. After Omary’s son, Osman, was born, Dee spent five days in the hospital at her side, bringing her halal food and brushing her hair in the same way Omary’s mother used to. When Omary’s postpartum pain became too great for her to lift Osman’s car seat, Dee accompanied her to his doctor’s appointments and carried the baby for her.
“Her support truly changed my life,” Omary said. “Her motivation, compassion, and support gave me hope. It gave me a sense of stability and confidence. I didn’t feel alone, because of her.”
More than that, the experience gave Omary a new resolve to help other people.
“That experience has deeply shaped the way I give back,” she said. “I want to be that source of encouragement and support for others that my friend was for me.”
Extending the welcome
Omary and Dee at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Vision Awards ceremony at the University of New Haven.
Omary is now flourishing. She currently works as a career development specialist as she continues her Master’s degree. She also, as a member of the Refugee Storytellers Collective, helps advocate for refugee and immigrant families by connecting them with resources—and teaches local communities how to best welcome newcomers.
“Welcoming new families today has many challenges,” Omary said. “One major barrier is access to English classes. Many newcomers, especially those who have just arrived, often put their names on long wait lists and for months there are no available spots.” For women with children, the lack of available childcare makes attending English classes, or working outside the home, especially difficult.
Omary stresses that sometimes small, everyday acts of kindness can make the biggest difference to immigrant and refugee families.
“Welcome is not about big gestures, but about small, consistent acts of care that remind you that you belong,” Omary said. Receiving a compliment on her dress or her son from a stranger in the grocery store was incredibly uplifting during her early days as a newcomer, and Omary remembers how even the smallest gestures of kindness gave her hope that she could thrive and build a new life here.
“I built my new life, but I didn’t do it alone,” Omary said. “Community and kindness were my greatest strengths.”
Are you in? Click here to join the Refugee Advocacy Lab and sign the #WeWillWelcome pledge and complete one small act of welcome in your community. Together, with small, meaningful steps, we can build communities where everyone feels safe.
This article is part of Upworthy’s “The Threads Between U.S.” series that highlights what we have in common thanks to the generous support from the Levi Strauss Foundation, whose grantmaking is committed to creating a culture of belonging.
Visualize this: your boss suddenly turns to you in a meeting and asks, “What do you think?” Your mind goes blank. You were paying attention, but being put on the spot feels intense. Your heart pounds. You try to respond, unsure of what to say, and then replay the moment in your mind for the next hour.
Luckily, Abrahams has spent his career studying what happens in these high-pressure moments and, more importantly, how we can handle them well. He’s not only an academic; he also coaches some of the world’s top speakers, including executives, Nobel Prize presenters, and TED Talk headliners.
Let’s look at how this six-step system works in real situations.
Mindset: How to stop holding yourself back
The first four steps of Abrahams’ system are about what happens in your mind before you say anything.
Step 1: Calm–Tame your anxiety
Anxiety isn’t a personal weakness; it’s part of being human. Abrahams explains that our fear of speaking in front of others comes from evolution. It’s a reaction that started when our place in a group was important for survival. Knowing this may not stop your sweaty palms, but it can help you see the experience differently.
Still, anxiety feels very real. To help with it, Abrahams tackles both the symptoms and the causes. For the symptoms, he suggests deep belly breathing, making your exhale twice as long as your inhale. He calls this the “rule of lung.” For example, breathe in for three counts and out for six. Try this a few times before an important meeting or when you expect questions. The longer exhale helps your body relax.
Anxiety comes from worrying about what might happen. The best way to fight it is to stay present. Abrahams suggests using tongue twisters, counting backward from 100 by 17s, or greeting people before you speak. These tricks keep you focused on the moment, so there’s less room to worry about what could go wrong.
Step 2: Unlock–Aim for “good enough”
This part often surprises people. Abrahams tells his Stanford MBA students to “strive for mediocrity so that you can achieve greatness.” Most of them are shocked when they hear this.
His reason makes sense. When you try to speak perfectly, part of your mind is talking while another part is judging you. This inner critic uses up your mental energy. Abrahams borrows from improv and says to “dare to be dull.” Lowering the pressure helps you get unstuck. Once you start talking, your confidence and momentum grow.
Step 3: Redefine–See problems as opportunities
For most people, public speaking feels like a test you either pass or fail. Abrahams suggests a new way to look at it: “We have to see these situations as opportunities, not threats.”
Changing your mindset makes a big difference. A question from the audience becomes an occasion to connect. An unexpected follow-up in a meeting is an opportunity to show what you know. Abrahams also cites the “Yes, And” idea from improv, which means accepting what’s happening and building on it instead of fighting it.
Step 4: Listen–Pace, space, grace
Listening well before you respond is one of the most overlooked communication skills. Abrahams uses a framework from his colleague, Collins Dobbs, called “pace, space, grace.”
Listening well before you respond is one of the most overlooked communication skills. Photo credit: Canva
Pace explains the benefits of holding back before answering. Most of us start thinking of our answer before the other person is done talking. Space is about giving yourself a moment, maybe by asking a clarifying question or repeating what you heard before you reply. Grace is about trusting your gut. Sometimes, people don’t need an answer—they need to be acknowledged, supported, or just have a different kind of conversation. Learning to detect this is a valuable skill.
Messaging: Deciding what to say and how to say it
Once you have the right mindset, the next two steps help you figure out what to say.
Step 5: Structure – Organize your thoughts on the fly
This is where Abrahams’ approach gets really useful. He believes that if you know the basic outline of your answer ahead of time, you can focus on incorporating details that matter to you.
To help you speak off the cuff, he suggests a simple three-part structure: “What? So what? Now what?” This method helps you organize your thoughts clearly, even when you’re caught off guard.
First, state your main idea, position, or key information. (What?)
Next, explain why it matters to your audience. (So what?)
Finally, suggest what should happen next or what action to take. (Now what?)
This structure isn’t a script—it’s sort of like a recipe. You bring the ideas, and the framework helps you put them together.
Step 6: Focus – Get to the point
Be explicit and direct about your purpose. Abrahams shares his mother’s advice: “Tell me the time, don’t build me the clock.” In other words, when someone asks a question, they want the answer, not the whole backstory.
To stay on track, Abrahams suggests asking yourself before you speak: What do I want this person to understand? How do I want them to feel? What do I want them to do? This three-part goal—”know, feel, do”—helps you avoid rambling. When you have a clear goal, you get to the point faster.
This means practicing out loud, not just in your head. It also helps to record yourself and watch the video, since there’s often a difference between how we think we sound and how others see us. Ask for honest feedback, not just reassurance.
He recommends building a “communication pantry“—a set of stories, examples, and facts you can use when you need them. The more you have ready, the easier it is to respond on the spot.
Improving one discussion at a time
What’s great about Abrahams’ approach is that you don’t have to pretend to be someone else. Instead, use what you already have—your knowledge, experience, and real desire to connect—so you can rely on those strengths even when you’re under pressure.
Abrahams often says “connection over perfection,” which is a helpful signal of what really matters. The goal of speaking off the cuff isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be present, helpful, and real. When you stop worrying about performing and focus on the person you’re talking to, you actually get better at it.
Start small. Before your next meeting, take three deep breaths. Pick a simple structure, like “what, so what, now what,” and give it a try. Notice what happens. Like any skill, you’ll get better with practice, one discussion at a time.
A significant part of adulthood is realizing that many uncomfortable truths are indeed real, even if we wish they weren’t. At first, these harsh truths may dampen our spirits and make us feel that the world is a bit colder. However, understanding some of life’s hard lessons opens us up to greater possibilities and can help us overcome the obstacles holding us back.
Harsh truths help us realize when relationships aren’t as great as they can be. They also prevent us from having too much faith in people and institutions that will ultimately disappoint us. Knowing dark truths can also help us appreciate the things that are truly beautiful, honest, and good. A Redditor named Rare_Can_5418 asked the AskReddit forum, “What difficult truths, the sooner you accept them, the better your life will be?” and received over 6,500 responses. Many of them were centered around harsh truths about relationships and the fact that even if we do our best in life, we can still end up with the short end of the stick.
The key is to keep going and never let failure get you down.
Here are 15 of the “difficult truths” that made people’s lives a lot better.
1. Stop comparing yourself
“There will always be someone better looking, better educated, younger, more experienced, more intelligent or wealthier than you. Do your best, live without regret, have empathy and kindness, give when you can, expecting nothing in return. Focus on your heart value more than what others have.”
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Research shows we have a tendency to compare ourselves to highly visible and highly skilled people, which makes us feel worse. We wonder why we can’t cook as well as our foodie friend or why we’re not as organized and put-together as our Type A neighbor. No wonder comparisons make us feel like crap!
“You can be sweetest, juiciest peach on the tree. But some people don’t like peaches.”
“In Spanish, there’s a saying: ‘Nadie es moneda de oro para que lo quiera todo el mundo,’ which translates to something like nobody is a gold coin to be liked/wanted by everyone else.”
Worrying too much about making everyone like you is a quick path to becoming a people pleaser, an impossible task that takes a serious toll on your mental health.
3. Things are just things
“They don’t have feelings. They don’t care if you give them away or sell them or throw them out. If a thing is useful, keep it. If not, get rid of it.”
Psychologists refer to perceiving that inanimate objects have feelings as anthropomorphizing. Psych Central says that humans project feelings onto objects to relate to them more deeply. “People generally anthropomorphize to make sense of events and behaviors they experience. Further, attributing emotions, attitudes, mental states, faces, and values to non-human things can help you feel connected to something,” Sarah Barkley writes in a PhD-reviewed article.
“Surprisingly though, the ones that last are not necessarily the best (or even good) ones.”
“Most friendships are based on convenience, I’ve found. Unless two people are willing to put in a lot of effort, time and distance will do more to end a friendship than any disagreement.”
It’s natural and OK to outgrow friendships. If you’ve put in a solid effort and it’s not working the way it used to, being comfortable with letting the relationship go will do wonders for your guilt and stress levels.
5. You may be the bad guy
“You can do your best with someone and still be the villain in their story.”
“One of my current favourite memes is: I don’t care if I’m the villain in your story, you’re the clown in mine.”
The truth is we’re all just people doing our best, even the people who have wronged you.
You might be the villain in someone’s story. Giphy
6. You can’t change people
“You can only help people who actually want it. If they’re not ready to change or put in the effort, there’s not much you can do. Realizing this can save you a lot of frustration and help you focus on people who actually appreciate your help.”
“It’s always tough having those friends who are constantly complaining but doing nothing to address what they are complaining about. But as an adult, you just have to sit there and listen. No point in offering help to someone who isn’t asking for it. Kinda like how it’s really tough to teach someone who isn’t interested in being taught.”
Expecting others to change is bound to lead to disappointment. There’s a saying that goes, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” Hoping and wishing and working to make them somewhere else, more often than not, gets you nowhere.
7. How we judge ourselves and others
“We judge ourselves by our intentions. We judge others by their actions.”
“In psychology, this is called fundamental attribution error.”
The Fundamental Attribution Error is a psychological phenomenon where we assume someone’s actions reflect their personality without considering the situation. It’s like when we blame someone’s driving skills for being in an accident instead of the curvy road.
We judge others differently than how we judge ourselves. Giphy
8. Depending on people
“Once you’re an adult, there really isn’t anyone you can 100% depend on except yourself. There will still be people in your life to lean on, but everyone has their limits in how they can help you.”
Perhaps one of the harshest truths of all, but once you accept it, the path forward becomes extremely clear. It’s up to you to make everything happen, and there’s really no one else to blame if you don’t.
9. Nice doesn’t equal good
“Nice people aren’t always good people.”
“One of my bosses doesn’t greet/make small talk and is known for being quite firm. He’s been the most helpful throughout my most difficult period dealing with tragedy. Some people with that personality type simply get things done when you need them done without the chattering.”
Niceness can even be toxic when it’s not coming from a place of genuine authenticity. Sometimes hard conversations and conflict are necessary, and avoiding them is not healthy.
10. Everything is temporary
“You can suddenly lose anything and anyone at any time…and maybe all at once or in quick succession without so much warning.”
11. Nobody is thinking about you
“In general, people in the real world are oblivious to you. You’re not even a blip on their radar. If you’re insecure about something you wear or how you look, remember: nobody cares.”
Worried about something small like how the sleeves on your shirt fit you? It’s OK if you care, but no one else will. People are far too consumed with their own lives and problems to remember the minutiae of some stranger they saw in passing. Accepting this is incredibly freeing!
Nobody is paying attention to you (and that’s a good thing). Giphy
12. No one is coming to save you
“No one is coming to save you, so you have to do it all yourself.”
“And once you internalize this and do it, your self-esteem will be through the roof.”
13. Nobody knows what they’re doing
“Before i graduated high school I thought, thank god, I finally won’t have to deal with annoying obnoxious kids and I’ll be treated like an adult, I come to find out 95% of adults are worse then the actual kids, nobody knows what they’re actually doing and life is actually a big joke.”
This realization could help cure your Imposter Syndrome. Most people are just making it up as they go along and so you shouldn’t feel ashamed of doing the same.
14. Love is reciprocal
“If a romantic interest is not giving you the same attention/respect you give them, they don’t really care about or want you, and you’re in for a world of hurt if you keep telling yourself otherwise.”
“People who are good for you will make you feel happy, joyful, accepted, cared for, and filled with fun times, despite any differences. People who are not good for you will make you feel anxious, sad, down, slighted, judged, and never check in on you if you’re not okay, and won’t even bother noticing when you’re not okay. Genuine people will never let you suffer in silence or watch you suffer. Stay away from those who make you feel negative emotions and thoughts.”
These are called harsh or hard truths for a reason. It’s human nature to feel self-conscious, feel like an imposter, try to change people, or worry if other people like us. But the more of these you can free yourself from, the better you’ll feel.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
Some people are just naturally good at reading others. They pick up on subtle cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions that go over other people’s heads. They are adept at seeing past other people’s words and cuing into the energy or emotions behind them.
People who are great at reading others have a significant advantage in being creative, building relationships, and building teams. But where does it come from? Why does it seem like some people have an extra social muscle that others just don’t?
Some posit that people who are adept at reading others often come from backgrounds where they grew up with chaotic parents or family members. To preserve themselves, they become keen observers of subtle clues to protect themselves against abusive outbursts.
This makes them excellent students of tone of voice, body language, and emotional states so that they can defend themselves.
To those who aren’t brilliant at reading others, these people’s skills seem mysterious at best. So, a Reddit user posed a question to the AskReddit forum to see what other people have noticed about people who are great at reading others. “What’s a sign that someone is dangerously good at reading people?” they asked. They received over 1,300 replies, and we compiled the best.
Here are 13 signs that someone is “dangerously good” at reading people.
1. You immediately overshare
“You feel comfortable talking to them and you find yourself sharing things with them you don’t typically share.”
2. They’re hard to read
“They themselves are typically hard to read.”
“Or better yet people think they are reading you and know you but all they know is what you want them to think they know.”
“Observe the person. It helps if you’re naturally empathetic. You can tell when they’re being sincere or when there’s motivation. You can hear it in their voice when they’re nervous, jealous, or uncomfortable. You can see it in their face. You can feel when their energy pauses, dips, or spikes. The key is to be neutral yourself. If you’re not invested in the outcome of the interaction at all, you can read others better.”
“My mom is the one who tipped me off to this. She said it was the key to learning about our lives when we were preteens and teens. She said she was careful not to ever react in big ways to anything we said, especially if it was negative, because if she did we would be more likely to stop providing info. If she acted neutral, we’d keep talking.”
4. They had unpredictable parents
“Some people who grew up with unpredictable parents become hyper-observant of micro-expressions. When coupled with empathy and a good memory, they can ask good questions at the right time, or pick up on unspoken emotions (or intentions/danger). This can be a blessing and a curse.”
“This is exactly how I got good at reading people. If I found myself unable to predict what my father was going to do next, there’s a good chance bad things happen to me. It’s born out of necessity.”
5. They know you before you open your mouth
“They clock your mood or thoughts before you’ve even said anything. They would ask really specific questions. Not nosy, just oddly on point. Also, watch how fast they adjust. You’re all fired up, and they’re calm and grounding.”
6. They’re accurate
“When they say something about you that you’ve never told anyone, but it’s scarily accurate… like ?? How do you know that, that’s when you know they’re built different.”
“People who are highly intuitive, very observant and understands people dynamics usually at the expense of knowing themselves well at times.”
“OH MY GOD. This. This this this. This is exactly my wife who is by far the best people person I’ve ever seen…and she’s terrible at understanding herself or solving her own problems.”
8. They understand receptivity
“Children and animals like and trust them. They are constantly aware of the receptivity levels of others.”
“When they ask lots of questions to people, especially when they’re based off observations.
You usually don’t ___ and i see now you’re ___, is everything alright?
Since you’ve been dating your partner, I’ve noticed _____. What’s up?
I’ve noticed when you feel like ____ you usually do _____, and you’ve been doing ____ lots recently, how come?
NEVER in a way which sounds or is judgemental, is always evidence based, and as a result people are often willing to open up and elaborate more without fear of being judged. My friends do this and I try so hard to learn from them.”
10. They don’t show it
“One of the biggest signs that someone is exceptionally skilled at reading people is that they don’t show it. People who are truly skilled observers mask their awareness and let others underestimate them while they quietly collect insight. They downplay their intuition and pretend to guess poorly. Also, they ask or say things that are psychologically strategic.”
11. You don’t know them, but they know you
“You feel super close to them, very comfortable sharing anything with them and consider them a close friend. In retrospect, you realize you know next to nothing about them beyond the surface.”
12. They can make friends with anyone
“I had a friend who was insanely good at reading people. He once told me ‘if I want you to be my friend, you will.’ I believed it too. He could be friends with anyone.”
“That’s kinda creepy ngl, smacks of the Machiavellian type more than the empathetic type.”
Sometimes, it feels like everyone we cross paths with is in their own little world—always in a hurry, always glued to a device. It can feel almost impossible to strike up a conversation with a stranger, even if you have no ulterior motive (like flirting).
Conversational anxiety, or, more broadly, social anxiety, affects about 12-14% of adults and is far more common among young people. These disorders often involve negative thought patterns like “I’m bad at meeting people” or “People dislike chatting with me.” Those thoughts undoubtedly make it harder.
But even people without social anxiety may want to talk to strangers. They simply do not have a good strategy for doing so.
Dating coach Adele Bloch recently took to social media to share a tried-and-true blueprint for striking up harmless, low-stakes conversations with strangers. The key is choosing the where and the how.
Bloch helps her clients find love and relationships, but she also takes on the challenge of helping people connect platonically in a disconnected world. In a recent post on X, she lays out her roadmap for “the art of talking to strangers in public.”
For starters, Bloch explains, the where is critical. People usually aren’t in a chatting mood when they’re engaged in a task or on their way somewhere. That’s why talking to people at the gym can be tricky; you risk coming off as rude by interrupting someone in the middle of something.
“Do it in places where people generally linger,” she suggests. Places like standing in line at a coffee shop or after a group workout class, when people take a few minutes to gather their things before leaving.
The next piece is the tough one: what to say.
“My favorite intro lines are almost as though you’re letting them into your inner monologue,” she writes. Nothing too clever or scripted, less a conversation starter and more like thinking out loud in their general direction. She suggests asking them to help you make a decision on the menu, or even just making a casual observation. A non-physical compliment can work, too.
From there, you’re off and running, she says. In the full post, however, Bloch offers a few more tips on what to do next.
the art of talking to strangers in public:
– do it in places where people generally linger. this can be in line, at coffee shops, after a yoga class, etc. there needs to be an element of slowness so you can easily strike up a convo – wouldn't recommend starting with 'hi' – that… https://t.co/uxywglz46W
The post received over half a million views on X and thousands of likes and comments. Bloch had clearly struck a nerve around a common problem many people share.
Commenters had a lot of thoughts about what impromptu conversations with strangers have meant to them:
“The stakes are so low but the potential for spontaneous great conversation is so high! can’t think of many situations where i regretted taking the initiative”
“I started doing this, significantly helped me get out of my social isolation. Moved to a city and knew nobody Now I have events and hangouts to go to!!”
“Small spontaneous conversations are underrated because they slowly rebuild a sense of community we didn’t even realize we were missing”
Research is clear on the benefits of pleasant human interactions. Yes, even for introverts.
“A growing body of research has found that talking with strangers can contribute to our well-being,” writes Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in the psychology of kindness at the University of Sussex.
Sandstrom references a study carried out on commuters in Chicago who were asked to talk to someone on their regular train ride. Overwhelmingly, participants who chatted with a stranger were in a better mood afterward. These small micro-connections make us happier and help us feel less alone. We also learn new things about the world by talking to unexpected people.
However, many people are naturally resistant to talking to folks they don’t know. Those same Chicago commuters, before the experiment, predicted they’d feel uncomfortable striking up conversations and would prefer to sit in silence.
Sandstrom writes that these barriers are driven by fear:
“There are endless things to worry about: What if I don’t like my conversation partner? More importantly, what if they don’t like me, or what if I’m bothering them? What if we run out of things to say? What if I want to end the conversation, but can’t figure out how to?”
Maybe not all, but most of these fears end up being unfounded. That’s the true beauty of Bloch’s viral post.
“You’ll start to realize that people are EXCITED to talk to you! Strangers aren’t as scary as they seem!” she writes. “And you’ll start living a life thats more open and fun!”
You’re having a great week. No mishaps, no drama, no unexpected bills. “I’m on top of the world!” you shout out loud. Then, suddenly, your hand shoots out to the nearest wooden surface. Your knuckles rap on it a few times, and you didn’t even think about it. What was that?
Sixty percent of Americans “knock on wood,” according to a 2015 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll. Most do it almost automatically. But where does the habit come from?
It’s compulsory. Many don’t think before they knock on wood. Photo credit: Canva
It seems like everyone has a different answer. Ask a group of people, and you’ll get a mix of shrugs, half-remembered myths, and a few confident answers based on a big pile of nothing.
The honest truth: nobody knows for sure. What we do have, however, are a few compelling theories, a paper trail leading back to the 19th century, and fascinating science that explains why we keep doing it—even when we don’t believe in it.
“Knock on wood” or “Touch wood?” Depends on where you live
In the United States, we knock. In the United Kingdom, they touch. Both phrases describe rapping knuckles on wood after saying something hopeful—and they mean the same thing: don’t tempt fate.
Ever heard someone in Britain say “Touch wood!” after hoping for good luck? It’s the UK equivalent of “knock on wood” in other countries. People say it (and sometimes literally touch a wooden object) to avoid jinxing something they want to happen. For example: “The weather’s been perfect all week, touch wood it stays like this for the weekend.” “I’ve never had a speeding ticket, touch wood.” It’s one of those little British superstitions you’ll hear everywhere, from pubs to workplaces. #Johnsenglishpage#learnenglish#learnenglishwithus#englishtutor#englishlessons#englishtips#naturalenglish#englishlanguage#englishlearning#studiareinglese
What do all these diverse customs have in common, and what do they reveal about human nature?
The ancient tree spirit theory (and why scholars don’t like it)
The most romantic explanation traces the phrase “knock on wood” back to pre-Christian pagan traditions. This theory suggests that ancient Celtic and Indo-European cultures believed trees were inhabited by spirits or minor gods, especially oak, ash, and hazel. Knocking on a tree trunk could awaken those spirits to ask for protection, show gratitude for good luck, or drive away malevolent forces lurking in the woods.
It’s a beautiful story. Sacred groves existed across ancient Europe, serving as meeting places between people and the divine. The Druids worshipped the oak. The Scandinavians based their entire cosmology on the ash tree, Yggdrasil. The Germanic Norns—three fate-weaving goddesses—directed destiny through the World Tree itself.
But there’s a problem. As folklorists Jacqueline Simpson and Steve Roud note in A Dictionary of English Folklore, there’s no direct evidence linking these ancient traditions to the modern “knock on wood” superstition. More than a thousand years passed between Europe’s Christianization and the first recorded mention of touching wood. This long interval suggests the practice wasn’t passed down continuously.
🌿 D R Y A D S 🌿 We have all knocked on wood to ward off bad luck, or to prevent something we said from becoming true. But where does this superstition come from? Well the most widely accepted explanation dates back to ancient pagan cultures such as the Celts, who believed that tree spirits known as Dryads resided in trees. A Dryad is a tree spirit, an elf-like tree entity whose life force was connected to the tree. The Celtic people revered trees, and saw them as powerful living beings who played a large role in Celtic culture. Each tree has its own magic, wisdom and sacred meaning. ✨ It was thought that knocking on wood was a way to rouse the tree spirit and ask it for protection, to ward off bad luck, or to show gratitude for good luck. Druids, witches and wise women carried small carved pieces of certain trees around with them which are said to host a resident Dryad, creating a moveable protection token. These would have been in the shapes of wands or staffs. Ordinary folk also would have also carried these, however they might not have been carved for the same ritualistic purpose, but for straightforward protection. 🌿 To create your own talisman you must first go to a sacred space such as an old grove, leyline, sacred spring or site, and find a tree just as the setting or rising sun strikes light upon its trunk. 🌿 From there connect with the tree, ask it for its protection and inform the Dryad of your intentions, as arrogantly cutting off a branch without first asking will anger the spirit. 🌿 From there you can transform your piece of Livewood into a wand, staff, or Ogham stave. You can add pieces on to it such as precious gems, stones, feathers, leather etc. If you have followed the ritual correctly you will end up with a powerful protection token which can be used in meditations, divinations and rituals. . . . . #Dryads#treespirits#treewisdom#treelore#celticfolklore#celtictraditions#celticotherworld#celticgods#celticgoddesses#celticmythology#paganism#paganculture#paganworship#natureworship#pagantraditions#naturegods#naturegoddess#sacredspace#sacredearth#sacredplace
The earliest known written reference to “touch wood” as a superstitious practice appears in Ballads in the Cumberland Dialect, published in 1805 by R. Anderson. Folklorists connect it to a game called “Tiggy Touchwood,” a form of tag in which players were safe from being caught as long as they touched something wooden, such as a door, a fence, or a tree. Touching wood meant you were protected.
“Given that the game was concerned with ‘protection,’ and was well known to adults and children, it is almost certainly the origin of our superstitious practice of saying, ‘touch wood.’ The claim that it goes back to tree spirits is complete nonsense.”
Religious and historical theories
Although the game theory has the strongest evidence, it’s worth knowing the other stories in circulation.
Could the reason why we “knock on wood” come from religious backgrounds? Photo credit: Canva
The Christian Cross Theory suggests that knocking on wood invokes the protective power of Christ’s crucifixion. While religious relics like the True Cross were cherished for their supposed protective powers, this theory mainly explains how the custom may have been reinterpreted through a Christian lens rather than its original genesis. Scholars point to the lack of medieval records linking this idea to superstition, suggesting it is likely a later adaptation tied to seeking divine protection.
The Jewish Persecution Theory, another proposed origin, links wood-knocking to coded signals allegedly used by Jewish communities to signal safe passage during the Spanish Inquisition. While this theory points to another possible protective motivation for the ritual, it’s difficult to verify and appears less frequently in academic literature. Its inclusion illustrates the wide range of narratives people have constructed to make sense of the custom.
The Miners and Sailors Theory points to a more practical foundation: knocking on wooden beams to test their stability, which by extension may have led to a superstition about safety. Similarly, sailors knocked on deck wood for good fortune at sea. Together, these theories suggest how everyday safety rituals could evolve into superstition—even when direct documentation is limited.
Why our brains keep doing it anyway
This is where the science gets truly fascinating. Even people who recognize the habit as irrational still engage in it. And there’s a solid reason why—one that has nothing to do with tree spirits or sacred crosses.
Jane Risen, a behavioral science professor at the University of Chicago, has spent years exploring this very contradiction. In a 2016 article in Psychological Review, she found that individuals can recognize a belief as irrational in real time yet still choose not to challenge it—a phenomenon she terms “acquiescence.” As she explained:
“We see people maintaining these beliefs that they themselves acknowledge are irrational. They’ll say, ‘I know it’s crazy, but I’m going to do this.’ We have [these beliefs] because they’re the output of pretty basic cognitive processes.”
Two systems drive human thinking. The fast, intuitive one makes judgments before the slower, more deliberate system can catch up. As Risen explained, “Detecting an error in your intuitive belief doesn’t necessarily lead you to correcting it. It seems that some intuitions are just very difficult to shake.”
But that’s not all. Researchers at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business published a 2013 study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology finding that the physical motion of knocking on wood is just as important as the saying itself.
There are psychological aspects to why we knock on wood. Photo credit: Canva
Here’s what the study found: participants who knocked downward—pushing force away from themselves—felt a bad outcome was less likely than those who knocked upward or simply held an object. The study suggests this outward physical motion creates a feeling of pushing bad luck away. Rituals like spitting or throwing salt may work the same way.
There’s an emotional payoff, too. “These beliefs and behaviors actually do end up regulating your emotions,” Risen told Discover magazine. “When you knock on wood, you may worry about this less.”
Jacqueline Woolley, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin, found that superstitious beliefs are most prevalent around ages five and six, before skepticism begins to develop. Meanwhile, Nadia Brashier, a researcher at Harvard University, observed that adults around age 70 tend to be less superstitious than those around age 19, as accumulated life experience typically reshapes the brain’s understanding of cause and effect.
The meaning behind the knock
Here’s what the research and folklore actually agree on: the phrase “knock on wood” is almost certainly not thousands of years old. Its documented history dates back to the 19th century, likely rooted in a children’s game of tag. The pagan, Christian, and persecution theories make for interesting stories, but none have the same weight of supporting evidence.
What holds up the tradition is psychology. Whether the gesture started with a game of Tiggy Touchwood, a fragment of the True Cross, or a coded knock on a synagogue door, it endures today because of how the human brain functions. We’re wired to seek some control over what we cannot control. A small physical act—touching something solid, directing force away from the body—provides that sense of comfort, even if only for a moment.
The next time your hand reaches for the nearest table after saying something hopeful, you don’t need to feel embarrassed. You’re doing something humans have practiced across cultures for at least two centuries, probably longer. Call it a habit, call it superstition, call it a small act of hope. Whatever you call it, the impulse remains the same: to hold on, just for a moment, to the good things in front of you.
Have you ever gone down an Internet rabbit hole? You start researching one thing, then two hours later, find yourself reading about something entirely different? For example, you could have begun with quantum physics only to somehow find yourself engrossed in an e-book about medieval falconry.
Philosopher Perry Zurn and neuroscientist Dani S. Bassett found that people have different approaches to information seeking. Their research shows that these patterns aren’t random, but represent distinct styles of curiosity. This is how we build knowledge, connect ideas, and experience the world.
After analyzing the browsing habits of nearly 500,000 Wikipedia users across 50 countries, Zurn and Bassett identified three archetypal curiosity styles: the Hunter, the Busybody, and the Dancer.
Identifying the curiosity style that suits you best can foster mental flexibility—the type associated with greater happiness and resilience.
Curiosity research through the years
Curiosity has fascinated psychologists for decades. In the 1960s, pioneering researcher Daniel Berlyne drew a crucial distinction between two types of curiosity: Perceptual and Epistemic.
Perceptual curiosity drives us to explore new stimuli. It’s the impulse that compels a child to reach for a shiny object or an adult to pause at the sight of an unusual cloud formation.
A woman looking at the clouds in the sky. Photo credit: Canva
On the other hand, Epistemic curiosity propels us to gain knowledge and understanding. For example, a person might take photos of strange clouds, then identify them in an article about the “ten basic cloud classifications.” In this way, we seek information that moves beyond immediate sensory experiences to build a deeper comprehension.
In 2020, psychologist Todd Kashdan expanded our scientific understanding of curiosity through a five-dimensional study that examined its impact on emotional well-being.
His research revealed that joyous exploration—the pleasurable experience of discovering something new—consistently correlates with positive mental health outcomes. Meanwhile, deprivation sensitivity (which stems from an anxious drive to fill gaps in knowledge) carries a complicated emotional tenor, mixing tension and discomfort with the satisfaction of uncovering the truth.
These frameworks, put forward by Berlyne and Kashdan, set the stage for Zurn and Bassett’s groundbreaking research on curiosity styles.
Meet the styles
The Hunter: focused and goal-driven
Motivated by a specific mission, Hunters find answers by following a targeted path. Think of them as detectives on a case. When they set out on the quest for information, they stay on the trail. They do not wander. Paying close attention to related topics, they methodically build a tight, constrained network of knowledge.
The Hunter searches for answers rationally and methodically. Photo credit: Canva
For the Hunter, finding the correct answer isn’t pleasurable—it’s a relief.
Imagine a Hunter wants to understand how photosynthesis works. Their curiosity becomes a focused exposition. They read articles, check books out from the library, watch YouTube videos, and listen to podcasts until they’ve finally satisfied their desire to learn. They solve the puzzle.
This laser-focused approach to learning is why you’ll commonly find Hunters in STEM fields—science, technology, engineering, and math. These disciplines value precision, logic, and systematic understanding, which come naturally to them.
The Busybody: curious about everything
Busybodies are curious explorers who trace zigzagging routes through a wide range of unrelated topics. They’re the quintessential “rabbit hole” adventurers. They gather scattered bits of information across diverse subjects. For the Busybody, learning does not require a fixed plan or a desired conclusion.
Busybodies love to jump from topic to topic. Photo credit: Canva
A Busybody might begin by reading about the French Revolution. Flipping through the pages, something captures their attention—a detail, a name, an illustration—then they find themselves deep-diving into Japanese tea ceremonies, exploring the nuances of Persian poetry, or delving into the rich history of chocolate. All in one sitting.
The Dancer’s mind does not walk from one idea to the next. It pirouettes. Dancers are the creative synthesizers who take imaginative leaps between seemingly unrelated ideas. They combine existing concepts in new, exciting ways.
Dancers are true creatives who break established norms. Photo credit: Canva
Think of someone who applies philosophy paradigms to their astronomy thesis, or an artist who champions the parallels between musical composition and architectural design. Dancers don’t passively collect information like stamps in a book. They actively transform it.
The Wikipedia study
To explore modern curiosity styles, Zurn and Bassett teamed up with communications scientist David Lydon-Staley. Their first study tracked 149 participants in Philadelphia who browsed Wikipedia for 15 minutes daily over three weeks.
Next, they expanded their research. The team analyzed the browsing patterns of nearly half a million users of the Wikipedia mobile app across 50 countries and 14 languages. For each person, they mapped a “knowledge network” to see which articles they visited and how the topics related to one another.
A graph breaking down the data from the Wikipedia research study. Photo credit: Amanda Montañez
The patterns were clear as three groups emerged. In one, readers formed right clusters of closely related articles. Others built expansive networks covering a wide range of topics. A third group made creative leaps, linking distant knowledge in unexpected ways.
Respectively, these groups formed the basis for Zurn and Bassett’s curiosity archetypes: Hunters, Busybodies, and Dancers.
Curiosity and mental health: the Hunter’s paradox
The study revealed a surprising link between curiosity styles and mental health. Participants who browsed Wikipedia in a focused, goal-oriented manner—the Hunters—reported higher levels of depression and anxiety compared to those who browsed more freely.
This finding is consistent with Kashdan’s research on deprivation curiosity. To assuage the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing, the search itself can become stressful. The relief from finding the answer doesn’t bring joy. It just eases the tension.
Conversely, the exploratory nature associated with the other two curiosity styles—the Dancer and the Busybody—can have a protective effect. With these styles, curiosity stems from genuine interest and a sense of wonder, allowing them to engage in a discovery process that feels positive, open, and less pressured.
By focusing less on outcomes and more on the process, we may find ourselves embracing the possibility of unexpected results.
How to cultivate your curiosity
Your curiosity style isn’t set in stone. Zurn explains that curiosity is a practice. We can learn to strengthen different styles, as we see fit.
For Hunters looking to expand their horizons, set aside time for aimless exploration. While researching your next project, allow yourself to click on an unexpected link—even just one. No matter how trivial or off-topic it may look, see where it takes you.
For the curious but scattered Busybodies, experiment with the “three-click” rule. When you start reading something interesting, commit to exploring at least three related articles before moving on to a new topic. This will build a deeper understanding of specific areas.
For aspiring Dancers, search for connections between incongruent fields. Ask yourself, “How is this similar to something unrelated that I know?” Push past the obvious answers. Allow space for weird, strange, and offbeat ties and relationships to come forward. You could start with “Connections,” a game by The New York Times.
A screenshot from The New York Times game “Connections.”
Remember, all three styles of curiosity serve different purposes. As Bassett emphasizes, each plays an important role. Hunters are society’s experts, people who have mastered a domain and can solve hyper-specific problems. Busybodies fuel the engines of serendipity, amassing a wide range of knowledge that can lead to unexpected insights and creative reframing. Dancers are our original thinkers and innovators, breaking patterns and discovering new, unexplored intellectual terrain.
With great mental flexibility, one can use all three styles and switch between them as needed.
Your curiosity matters
Understanding your curiosity style is more than an intellectual exercise. It’s deeply personal. The way you seek and connect information shapes how you learn. It impacts your mental health. Curiosity lies at the foundation of making connections: between ideas, people, and the inner and outer worlds we’re always trying to make sense of.
The next time you find yourself deep in a rabbit hole, reflect on the path you took to get there. Are you searching for clear answers? Collecting ideas as they pique your interest? Or are you exploring the connections between nonlinear subjects?
Codie Sanchez—an investor, entrepreneur, business strategist, and former journalist—knows a thing or two about winning at conversation. From spending time on Wall Street to helping everyday people build unconventional wealth, she’s learned at least this: “You can be the smartest person in the room and still lose it entirely because of the way you speak.”
She explains in a YouTube video that when it comes to first impressions, everyone is “immediately” graded on the “warmth and competency” of what they’re saying, with the latter being especially crucial in business settings.
And over the years, she noticed that many intelligent people with great ideas get overlooked because of “how that intelligence is delivered.” It often comes down to one of the seven self-sabotage patterns below. (The good news: these are all easy fixes.)
The 7 speaking patterns that sabotage us from being heard
1. Excessive hedging
Hedging in linguistics is the use of cautious, tentative, or vague language. Sanchez uses examples like “but,” “I don’t know,” “maybe,” “could be,” and “I’m not sure.”
While hedging can sometimes be “strategic,” most of us do it to remain polite or to avoid coming across like a “sycophant.”
Knowing the difference between strategic hedging and insecure hedging comes down to whether you’re adding “nuance for clarity” or “padding your statement to avoid social risk.”
2. Overexplaining
“Smart people hate being misunderstood,” says Sanchez, which can lead them to pile on information. Ideas that come across as overly complicated ring less “truthful and more intelligent.” Not only that, it can convey the message that you think “your audience is slow” or that “your idea can’t stand on its own.”
Conversely, simple, easy-to-understand ideas—those with “high processing fluency”—automatically look smarter.
3. Talking too fast
When our nervous system is firing, it’s natural for our pitch and speaking speed to increase. This is unconsciously interpreted as “uncertainty.”
To offset this, Sanchez recommends identifying your most important sentence, aka a “key line,” then taking a breath before it and slowing it down by 20%.
Two people have an animated conversation. Photo credit: Canva
4. Focusing on specs, rather than story
“People remember the story change, not the feature list,” says Sanchez.
While this might at first sound like encouragement to use lots of emotional, flowery words to set the scene, Sanchez instead encourages “ruthless simplicity.”
She then points to Steve Jobs, whose Apple presentations used very few slides and stripped-down language to show how his vision of the future addressed society’s current problems. Needless to say, it worked.
Sanchez says that while it’s “tempting to play it cool, you should be a show-off,” adding, “People who win in life are not the ones in the shadows.”
She also points out that plenty of political figures and business moguls are successful almost exclusively because of their showmanship. However, that doesn’t mean piling on information to prove you know what you’re talking about. Instead, make your point with such simplicity that it makes “everyone else feel smart.”
“Go big and show, but default to the show being simple,” she explains. “Clarity beats cleverness every time.”
6. Not rehearsing
Just as elite athletes and artists dedicate intentional time to their craft, great speakers also invest hours in “deliberate practice.” This includes cutting unnecessary words, practicing pauses, and, perhaps most importantly, saying things out loud.
Sanchez warns that a lack of purposeful practice can lead to rambling, running out of time, panicking, and second-guessing ourselves.
7. Constant self-deprecation
This can be common among high performers as a way to seem “humble.” And to a certain extent, it works. But according to Sanchez, overusing it, especially with people who don’t know you well, can read as “insecurity disguised as humor.”
The pattern behind all these traps: fear
A man holds paper over his head. Photo credit: Canva
Whether it’s fear of rejection, being wrong, being judged, or not being liked, smart people tend to perceive these risks more acutely because they’re better able to recognize complexity.
It goes to show that “winning the room,” as Sanchez puts it, isn’t about knowing the most, but about “managing the perception” of others. We achieve this not by “predefending against every possible criticism,” nor by putting on “fake alpha energy,” but by communicating clearly and letting our ideas stand.
Before important conversations, Sanchez says to run through this checklist:
Am I hedging unnecessarily?
Am I overexplaining?
Am I rushing?
Am I overcomplicating?
Am I landing statements confidently?
Am I comfortable with silence?
While awareness of these things alone can improve your perceived competence “by 15–30%,” Sanchez notes that fixing one element each day and running through the talk out loud “can take you the rest of the way.”
And if this still feels too convoluted, focus on the “3 S’s Rule”: shorter, slower, stronger.
Focusing on speaking more slowly, using fewer filler words, and increasing conviction is more than enough to project authority and command a room. Again, practice incorporating just one of these elements each day.
You can find even more helpful tips like this by following the BigDeal by Codie Sanchez podcast on YouTube.
Are you ever in social situations where the conversation drags and you’re not sure what to do about it? Is it that the other person isn’t engaging, or is it that you’re not interesting? Social anxiety might have you questioning everything in these moments, but what if there were skills you could learn to make conversations more fun for everyone involved, including you?
Charisma on Commandshared a video on YouTube outlining five mistakes people make in conversations that make them seem boring, and five things to do instead that make them more fun to talk to.
The video offers specific examples from celebrity interviews for each of these mistakes and fixes, but here’s the gist:
Mistake #1: Energy ducking
“Energy ducking is when you come into a conversation with low enthusiasm to avoid standing out,” the video states. “The problem is when you make your main focus not standing out, you avoid making a negative or positive impression.”
In other words, you’re bringing nothing fun to the conversation, and most people want to have fun when they talk to others.
Be the first to add playfulness to the conversation. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #1: Be playful
It’s not like you need a super interesting life or amazing stories to make a conversation engaging. You just need to bring a sense of playfulness to it.
“By far the easiest way to initiate playfulness in your life is after you’ve been asked a question,” the video says. “To do so, just answer with an absurd, non-literal answer.”
That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually answer the person’s question.
“It’s just about setting a fun, playful tone first,” the video points out. “Another perk of being playful is it’s very likely that the other person will match you and be playful as well.”
Mistake #2: Assuming interest
If you’ve ever been in a conversation where someone talks on and on about something you have no interest in, you know the urge to escape. Don’t assume people will share your interests or enjoy your out-of-context stories.
Create interest in a story before telling it. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #2: Create interest with a “story gap”
“A story gap is when you build interest in a story by hinting at how it ends without spoiling the punchline,” the video states.
One example the video shares is when comedian Kevin Hart was asked about his relationship with basketball legend Michael Jordan. He responded, “I’ve run into Mike a couple of times. Mike still might be mad at me. True story.”
Now we know something happened between Kevin and Mike that ticked Mike off, but we don’t know what. That piques our interest in hearing the story, because we know enough about the ending to want the details.
Mistake #3: Giving bland, short answers
“If you regularly find conversation stalls after you’ve been asked a question, you may be giving bland one- to five-word answers,” the video states. “A bland answer doesn’t set the other person up with anything to say back…short answers put the conversational pressure on the other person. Now they have to carry the conversation or else let it fall into awkward silence.”
Expanding on simple answers makes for better conversation. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #3: Share enough to make the conversation easy for the other person
This doesn’t mean you should ramble on and on in your answers. Rather than answering in the briefest way possible, add a little detail.
For example, let’s say someone asks where you’re from. You might say, “Chicago,” or even, “I grew up in Chicago.” But that doesn’t give much. You could instead say, “I grew up on the north side of Chicago in an area called Rogers Park. It was an interesting place, because Rogers Park is on the lower end of the socioeconomic spectrum, but just north of it are very wealthy suburbs. That made it a pretty interesting place to grow up.”
An answer like that gives the person a lot to respond to.
Mistake #4: Asking the same boring, default questions
Asking questions is a great way to engage in conversation, but not all questions are created equal. “Where are you from?” is fine, but most people have been asked that a million times.
asking good questions is fun. answering good questions is fun. when both people are having fun, the conversation gets very good. we all enjoy being prompted. you can penetrate to someone’s deepest essence by asking attentive questions, by tugging loose threads they reveal to you.
Trick #4: Ask something that the other person will be excited to answer
It takes more thought to come up with interesting questions, so watching people who are masters at it can help. Examples from the video come largely from Sean Evans, the host of Hot Ones. While his celebrity guests eat wings with increasingly spicy hot sauce, he asks questions about their lives and careers.
“He specifically focuses on asking questions about his guests’ passions or that let them reflect on things they’re proud of,” the video points out. “He also avoids the questions they’ve likely been asked a hundred times in interviews before. And you can see the reactions it gets him.”
A helpful tip for this trick, especially if you don’t know much about the person, is to ask hypothetical questions: “If you had to give away a million dollars tomorrow, who would you give it to?” or “If you had total power over the Internet, what’s the first thing you’d change about it?”
Mistake #5: Being a passive listener
Passive listeners listen but don’t react. That can make a conversation feel really boring, even when you aren’t saying anything. People want to feel that the other person is an active participant in the conversation, even when they’re not talking.
Mirroring is one of my favorite nonverbal cues, it’s a great way to build instant connection. Try subtle mirrors to show warmth and understanding next time you’re in conversation! @MasterClass#MasterClasspic.twitter.com/eXHkEFFHzE
There are actually two tricks to fix the passive listening problem. One is to mirror the person speaking by reflecting their behavior or repeating something they said. For instance, if they’re nodding while telling a story, you can nod along. If they tell you they dropped their phone in a snowbank, you might respond, “In a snowbank? No!”
Laughter can also be a great way to show interest and bring fun into a conversation. Get comfortable laughing when you genuinely find something funny.
“It’s important to note here the goal is not to fake laugh,” the video states. “Instead, you want to cultivate the ability to laugh freely whenever you do find something funny, rather than censor your laughter like most people do, limiting it to a quick chuckle or even just an exhale.”
Conversation skills come as second nature to some people while others have to consciously hone them. The good news is you don’t have to implement all of these tricks in every conversation. Try focusing on one or two that feel most doable for you and see if they help make conversing a more enjoyable experience.
