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Joy

Making friends as an adult is hard. These five tips from an expert can help.

Friendships never stop being important.

friendship, making friends
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Making friends is hard. But maybe it doens't have to be THAT hard.

Making friends as an adult is definitely not like making friends as a kid.

Remember how easy it was to make a new friend when you were young? Five minutes sharing a slide and suddenly you're bonded for life.

But as we grow older, making friends can become much harder. So hard, in fact, that some people equate having a large group of close friends to a miracle.


Friendships are an important part of life at any age.

Most everyone wants and needs friends, and research shows that friendships can have a huge effect on our physical and mental health. There's not much we can do about friendships that diminish and change as we age — people move, start families and new careers, and shift to new social circles — but it's important to keep forming meaningful, long-lasting connections with people throughout life, whether you're 25 or 80.

It's something that affects us all.

"Making friends is hard for everyone," says Ellen Hendriksen, clinical psychologist and author of "How to Be Yourself," a guide on learning to tame social anxiety. "It's not just you." But knowing you're not alone isn't going to get you the friend circle you want.

Here are five tips to getting into the mindset of making friends — and then going out and doing it.

1. Relax (aka the hardest step).

In college, my abnormal psychology professor told us about a guy who wanted to make friends — five friends (because we all seem have an arbitrary number of pals we think is appropriate). He went to a party and met five people he liked and got their numbers. This guy was so excited that he started calling his new friends immediately, asking them to do things and inviting them for coffee nearly every day.

Of course, his overexcitement became clingy, his new acquaintances suddenly started making excuses, and he ended up being a negative example for a group of undergrads learning about problems in human behavior.

"You can't make friends like a poacher," Hendriksen says. "Focus on being open and curious and thoughtful. Ask questions, listen when others respond, be friendly, and when you slowly inch into the mix, be intentional."

Allow yourself to be in the moment and ask questions that come up naturally. If someone says they're having a hard week at work, ask them about it. If someone tells you they've recently been on a trip, commit to asking something more than just "how was it?" Be interested.

shared interest, making friends, dog park, group involvement

Make friends through shared interests like a dog park.

Photo by Carol Magalhães on Unsplash

2. Repetition is key.

Most articles about how to make friends suggest that people find a hobby, join a group, or volunteer. But Hendriksen says that's not a fail-safe solution.

Ultimately, it's not the activity that matters — although it should be something you enjoy — it's the fact that you're finding a place where other people can get to know you over time. In fact, since more and more research shows that making friends takes longer than previously thought, it's important to give it some time; Hendriksen suggests giving it a season.

You don't have to join an official group or club. Hendriksen once turned an acquaintance into a good friend when the two bonded over their mission to try every Mexican restaurant in Cambridge, Massachusetts. The key is to engage in something that allows you to get to know other people and lets them to get to know you.

"You can go to the same dog park every morning," Hendriksen says. "You can join an Ultimate Frisbee team. You can walk your kids to the bus stop every day and chat with the other parents. Or you can start something with repetition. Have a weekly viewing party for your favorite TV show, start a writer's group, start a new mom's playgroup or a boozy book club."

Really, whatever works for you as long as other people are involved.

3. Disclose, but don’t confess.

Imagine you're meeting someone for the first time. You ask them how they're doing, and they say "fine." There's not much to work with because the other person hasn't disclosed anything. What else is there to say?

Now imagine a different person. You ask them how they're doing and their response is one of sheer distress: "Nothing is going right in my life. Parking was hell, my job kills me, and I'm still not over my ex." I imagine your response to this diatribe wouldn't be particularly positive.

And why should it be? These are things you'd tell to a very close friend, not just someone you've met at your new book club.

This doesn't mean we can never say anything negative — after all, we all have bad days. But your goal is to keep the connection on even footing. Sharing a little bit about yourself is fine, but the goal is to lead to further conversation rather than a deep emotional connection right off the bat.

Why doesn't confession work? Because it's too much, too soon. The goal of confession can be to foster a sense of kinship, but when that strong emotional connection has new acquaintances wondering whether you're looking for a friend or a therapist, the relationship is already off balance. You can get closer, but give it time first.

"Don't let them see all of the mess right away," Hendriksen says, "but let them see a little peek at the mess. What do you do? How do you spend your time? What do you think about? What are you like? Where are you from? What's your story?"

She notes that disclosing things about yourself may feel weird and even "selfish" at first, but it's just because you’re not used to it. Keep trying.

movies, specific day, concrete timeline, new friends

Suggesting a specific activity is better than 'let's hang out sometime.'

Photo by Simon Ray on Unsplash

4. Don’t fear the follow-through.

All of this meeting new people and sharing interests is leading somewhere, right? You also want to make more lasting connections with some of your new acquaintances.

To do that, you must initiate a plan and then follow through.

Sometimes, you'll be lucky and someone will ask you to do something first. But most people are a little bit terrified about stepping outside their comfort zone. And that means making the plans and following through can be tricky — for everyone.

The key is to be specific. "Do you want to hang out sometime?" seems like a nice, safe question that gets to whether someone wants to spend more time together, but it doesn't work. Even if the person says yes, you have no concrete timeline in place. You've thrown the ball into their court and are now at the whim of their schedule.

"Do you want to go see a movie on Saturday?" for instance, or "do you want to take a hike with me on Sunday?" are both great options to feel out if someone's interested in a specific activity on a specific day. If they say yes, then you're good to go.

If they say no? Well, they might come up with an alternative activity.

5. Allow yourself to be anxious. And then go for it anyway.

We've all been there: Someone invites you to an event, and you get excited, but when the day of the event comes, you'd rather be doing anything else. After all, comfort zones are ... well, comfortable.

Although the urge to cancel may be strong, recognizing that these feelings are normal is the first step to overcoming them.

Your brain, Hendriksen says, comes up with worst-case scenarios — What if you say something foolish? What if the other person is only doing it to be nice? What if you have nothing in common? — to keep you safe. "But really, it's a false alarm."

Remember when you were terrified about that presentation in class or that important meeting you were leading at work? Did it end up going OK, even if it was hard? Then why shouldn't this? After all, if you don't try, you'll never be ready.

Though most of us would rather, as Hendriksen says, cocoon ourselves away and hope that we'll emerge as beautiful social butterflies, the truth is that experience is the only way we can get there. So keep moving forward. You just have to take the first step.

This article originally appeared on 07.05.18

Mel Robbins making a TED Talk.

Towards the end of The Beatles’ illustrious but brief career, Paul McCartney wrote “Let it Be,” a song about finding peace by letting events take their natural course. It was a sentiment that seemed to mirror the feeling of resignation the band had with its imminent demise.

The bittersweet song has had an appeal that has lasted generations, and that may be because it reflects an essential psychological concept: the locus of control. “It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control,” Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, told The Huffington Post. “We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”

This idea of giving up control (or the illusion of it) when it does us no good was perfectly distilled into two words that everyone can understand: "Let Them." This is officially known as the “Let Them” theory. Podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins explained this theory perfectly in a vial Instagram video posted in May 2023.

“I just heard about this thing called the ‘Let Them Theory,’ I freaking love this,” Robbins starts the video.

“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.” Robbins says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”

“If they’re not showing up how you want them to show up, do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next,” she continued.

The phrase is a great one to keep in your mental health tool kit because it’s a reminder that, for the most part, we can’t control other people. And if we can, is it worth wasting the emotional energy? Especially when we can allow people to behave as they wish and then we can react to them however we choose?

@melrobbins

Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the #melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode

How you respond to their behavior can significantly impact how they treat you in the future.

It’s also incredibly freeing to relieve yourself of the responsibility of changing people or feeling responsible for their actions. As the old Polish proverb goes, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

“Yes! It’s much like a concept propelled by the book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k.’ Save your energy and set your boundaries accordingly. It’s realizing that we only have “control” over ourselves and it’s so freeing,” one viewer wrote.

“Let It Be” brought Paul McCartney solace as he dealt with losing his band in a very public breakup. The same state of mind can help all of us, whether it’s dealing with parents living in the past, friends who change and you don’t feel like you know them anymore, or someone who cuts you off in traffic because they’re in a huge rush to go who knows where.

The moment someone gets on your nerves and you feel a jolt of anxiety run up your back, take a big breath and say, “Let them.”

let them theory, let it be, paul mccartney, the beatles, exhalethe beatles wave GIFGiphy

This article originally appeared last year.

Parenting

Young parents in college share realities of raising their baby with 'village' of student friends

"POV: having a baby in college means your friends get a free, hands-on parenting course."

mindyour/Reddit/

Keali'i and Riho Maruyama raised their daughter Hinami with the help of their college friends.

The saying "it takes a village" has never been more true than for young married couple Keali'i and Riho Maruyama (@rihomaruyama). The couple married during their freshman year of college.

During her senior year of college in Utah, Riho became pregnant with their daughter Hinami—news that was "a total shock." However, their fellow college friends and students rallied around them to help raise her after she was born in spring 2023.

Riho documents their journey as young parents managing parenthood with higher education goals in a series of sweet videos. "POV: having a baby in college means your friends get a free, hands-on parenting crash course," she captioned the video.

@rihomaruyama

Their future wives can thank us later 😅🥰 #babytok #collegeparents #firsttimemom #firsttimedad #d1athletes #babiesoftiktok #parenting #wasian #fyp #teamwork #futurehusband #collegelife #iykyk #raisedby

In an interview with Business Insider, Riho shared, "I felt like there was this stigma that once you have a baby, your life would be over, and you can't do all that you love anymore."

The couple indeed faced many challenges as they balanced playing collegiate rugby, finishing their studies, and working part-time. "With only a year left, I was so close to finishing. Work was a necessity. We needed the money, so quitting wasn't an option," she added. So, the couple's friends stepped up. "Soon after her birth, our group chat became a day care forum to talk about who could take care of Hinami, with different people volunteering to have her when my husband and I weren't around."

@rihomaruyama

Anything but ordinary🥹💗 #ourvillage #family #friends #utah #collegekids #babygirl #toddlerlife #newparents #fyp #bestlife #hawaii #byu #uvu #ordinarygirl

The experience not only changed the couple, but deeply impacted their friends as well. "Raising her around people who don't have children has allowed me to become a first-time mom without fear of judgment. We are all learning what it means to take care of a baby together," she shared.

They credit their supportive friends for making it all possible: "I wouldn't have been able to raise Hinami without this village of friends around us. It's been a game changer. Because of them, life didn't have to stop. I could be a mom, an athlete, a student, and an employee, even with a newborn," she said.

Hinami recently turned two years old, and it was a milestone that meant so much. "We were two college kids who had no idea what we were doing—just trying to figure life out while figuring out how to raise a baby. We didn’t have much… she didn’t have the cutest nursery, most of her clothes were gifted or thrifted, and our resources were limited," Riho shared in an emotional Instagram post from her birthday party.

Their friends gathered to celebrate her birthday, and Riho shouted them out for their support over the years. "BUT looking back at the past 2 years… she’s been able to experience a special type of childhood—one full of adventure, sports games, rugby practices, study halls, concerts, and gym sessions. But the real gift? All her aunties and uncles who’ve loved her like their own. We’re beyond grateful for you guys!!"

Viewers on social media could not be more supportive of the village. "What a loved baby," one wrote.

Another said, "It’s beautiful. It takes a village to raise a child, and I think you’re blessed you have such a supportive one."

"She’s gonna have the best memories with all the aunties and uncles. 🥰" one predicted (and they're probably right).

The Gardiner Brothers stepping in time to Beyoncé's "Texas Hold 'Em."

In early February 2024, Beyoncé rocked the music world by releasing a surprise new album of country tunes. The album, Renaissance: Act II, includes a song called "Texas Hold 'Em," which shot up the country charts—with a few bumps along the way—and landed Queen Bey at the No.1 spot.

As the first Black female artist to have a song hit No. 1 on Billboard's country music charts, Beyoncé once again proved her popularity, versatility, and ability to break barriers without missing a beat. In one fell swoop, she got people who had zero interest in country music to give it a second look, forced country music fans to broaden their own ideas about what country music looks like, prompted conversations about bending and blending musical genres and styles, and gave the Internet a crash course on the Black roots of country music.

And she inspired the Gardiner Brothers to add yet another element to the mix—Irish step dance.

In a TikTok that's been viewed over 42 million times, the Gardiner Brothers don cowboy hats while they step in time to "Texas Hold 'Em," much to the delight of viewers everywhere.

Watch:

@gardinerbrothers

Beyoncé 🤝 Irish dancing #beyonce #countrymusic

Michael and Matthew Gardiner are professional Irish-American step dancers and choreographers who have gained international fame with their award-winning performances. They've also built a following of millions on social media with videos like this one, where they dance to popular songs, usually in an outdoor environment.

The melding of Irish dance with country music sung by a Black American female artist may seem unlikely, but it could be viewed merely as country music coming back to its roots. As mentioned, country music has roots in Black culture and tradition. One major staple of the country music genre, the banjo, was created by enslaved Africans and their descendants during the colonial era, according to The Smithsonian. The genre also has deep roots in the ballad tradition of the Irish, English and Scottish settlers in the Appalachian region of the U.S. Despite modern country music's struggle to break free from "music for white people" stereotypes, it's much more diverse than many realize or care to admit, and Queen Bey is simply following tradition.

banjo, country music, country, roots, genreMan playing banjo.Canva Photos

People are loving the blending of genres and culture that the TikTok exemplifies.

"Never thought I’d see Irish step dancing while Beyoncé sings country," wrote on commenter. "My life is complete. ♥️"

"So happy Beyoncé dropped this song and exposed my timeline to diversified talent 👏🏽👏🏽," wrote another.

"Beyoncé brought the world together with this song 😭," offered another person.

"Ayeeee Irish Dancing has entered the BeyHive chatroom… WELCOME!! 🔥🔥🔥" exclaimed another.

"I don’t think I can explain how many of my interests are intersecting here," wrote one commenter, reflecting what several others shared as well.

The Beyoncé/Gardiner Brothers combo and the reactions to it are a good reminder that none of us fit into one box of interest or identity. We're all an eclectic mix of tastes and styles, so we can almost always find a way to connect with others over something we enjoy. What better way to be reminded of that fact than through an unexpected mashup that blends the magic of music with the delight of dance? Truly, the arts are a powerful uniting force we should utilize more often.

And for an extra bit of fun, the Gardiner Brothers also shared their bloopers from filming the video. Turns out stepping in the rain isn't as easy as they make it look.

@gardinerbrothers

Beyoncé Bloopers #texasholdem #gardinerbrothers

This article originally appeared last year.

Family

Moms share 6 reasons why their ‘absent boomer’ parents won’t make time for their grandkids

"Why do they complain about not seeing the baby when they don't make any effort?"

A stressed, tired mom and her boomer parents.

There is a lot of discussion in online parent groups these days about how Gen Xers and millennials with baby boomer parents aren’t getting any support from them with their grandchildren. Sure, they will send a Christmas present or upload a photo to Facebook saying how much they love their grandkids. But even though they are retired, they just can’t make time for their grandchildren. Maybe it’s all the travelling they do, or they have a doctor’s appointment in a month, so they can’t be by.

Although it’s wrong to paint an entire generation with the same brush, it’s hard to ignore that baby boomers aren’t as interested in being grandparents as their silent generation parents, who seemed to have a different commitment to family. Baby boomers are more likely to be well off than their parents were, so they have more lifestyle options that take them away from family commitments.

A lot of folks aren’t shocked that baby boomers aren’t that into being grandparents; they weren’t that into being parents, so why should we think otherwise? The “Me generation” cohort started the massive upswing in divorces, was the first to embrace double-income households, and raised the least supervised generation in American history.

baby boomer, old guy on board, water sports, water skiing, boomerA baby boomer water skiing.via Canva/Photos

A group of parents who have absentee baby boomer parents tried to get to the bottom of why baby boomers aren’t that into being grandparents, and they came up with six reasons why they just aren’t around.

1. They weren't around when raising their own kids

"I’ve seen this question asked before, and it seems like answers boiled down to them not being particularly present parents themselves. Meaning, they often relied on their own parents to watch their kids, and this behavior carried on into their grandparenthood. They want the status of being grandparents without the heavy lifting."

"They’re just extremely selfish and were literally the ones that let us be latchkey kids, so they really didn’t parent either… I don't know why I expected anything different once they turned 60."

2. Self-absorption

The reasons are pretty varied, but come down to a level of self-absorption inherent in that generation. They are, and we’re driven by their wants, needs, and glory/success. My mom was an older mom, having establishing a very driven career. She was INCREDIBLY hands-on and present, honestly a fantastic mom, and we always joked about her needing grandbabies. Well, I finally gave them to her, and she’s just… not there. She lives half the country away from me, and there was the pandemic, of course, but it’s just been very noticeable and very odd. She sends gifts, she talks about how much she wants to see them, but just doesn’t. She hasn’t seen my second since she was born 7 months ago. ... She wants to focus on her now. Coming out to see the kids, being out of her comfort zone, not being in charge, not getting anything tangible from it, doesn’t meet a want that she’s not already meeting by sending gifts and delighting over pictures.


baby boomers, boomer couple, couple 70s, middle-aged people, grandparentsA baby boomer couple. via Canva/Photos

3. They are spoiled

"So I think it’s because they were an extremely spoiled generation that was emotionally stunted. So the boomers parents lived through the Great Depression. A lot of them had childhoods filled with poverty hardship, and very few childhood joys. So when they had their kids, they tried to give them a lot materially. This continued into their adulthoods when A LOT of us were pretty much raised by our grandparents. A lot of boomer were kind of absentee parents who either left us with family all the time or left us alone. Plus, their generation had very little access to mental health, and Vietnam was very traumatic (even for those who didn’t get drafted)."

4. Affluence

"They’re the last generation with a solid middle-class life with one breadwinner and can afford to retire. They DGAF about anything!"

affluence, money, wine, baby boomers, dinner, outdoor diningAn older couple eating outside.via Canva/Photos

5. Zero interest in paying it forward

"I think the part that's really hard to grasp is how much help many boomer parents had with their kids. ...I spent entire summers with my grandparents and remember them even coming to eat lunch with me at school. My child never recognizes my MIL at family gatherings. She has to be reintroduced each time. It's bizarre and beyond sad."

"When I realized how bullsh*t it was, especially since 75% of the time I was with grandparents, extended family, etc, it made me so mad. Like I was ALWAYS at someone’s house over the weekends and all summer vacation, my parents had so much help and ‘me time’, it’s ridiculous how little they help. Maybe that is the problem, they had TOO MUCH help."

6. The world revolved around them

"Baby boomers are named after the baby boom. As in - there are a LOT of them. When there is a big demographic, the world takes notice. Advertisers, planners, and politicians all jockey and cater. For most of their life, Boomers have had the world revolve around them a bit more than people of other generations."

Education & Information

6 foods that are so much cheaper to grow than to buy it's not even funny

Gardening isn't always easy, but it's definitely worth it for these crops.

Certain fruits and vegetables are particularly cost-effective to grow yourself.

Some people are born with a green thumb and love the idea of having a garden full of all kinds of produce. Others of us struggle to keep basic houseplants alive and feel overwhelmed by the idea of trying to grow our own food. Anyone who's tried to grow a garden knows it's not as simple as just throwing some seeds in the dirt and waiting, and if you don't really enjoy it, gardening can feel like it isn't really worth the time or effort.

However, there are some fruits and vegetables that are worth trying to grow, even with some initial cost and time investment, simply because growing them is so much cheaper than buying them. That's not automatically true of all produce, but for these six foods, if you succeed in nurturing them to harvest, you can save a bundle vs. buying them at the supermarket. (Yes, even when they're on sale.)

vegetable garden, grow your own food, plant a garden, save money, produceGrowing your own food can save money, especially with certain crops.Photo credit: Canva

Tomatoes

There's nothing like a fresh tomato right off the vine, first of all, so that's a reason to grow your own tomatoes all by itself. But tomatoes are fairly easy to tend and cost approximately six times less to grow than to buy by some estimates. And that's even if you include some initial cost for soil, a pot, and a starter plant. If you already had a garden plot and grew from seed, it would cost you even less.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Tomatoes can be frozen or canned to make a large harvest last longer than the growing season and then used in sauces and soups. Baby or cherry tomatoes can be frozen whole and roasted in the oven straight from the freezer.

Zucchini and other summer squash

Have you ever had a friend with a zucchini plant who tried to give you zucchini every time you turn around in the summer? Once these famously prolific plants start poppin', they don't stop.

You can grow zucchini in a bed or in a pot. You can also grow it vertically, like this:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Zucchini's cousin, yellow squash, is similar. Before you know it, you've got squash coming out your ears. You can give it away, but you don't have to. You can slice it up and freeze it for soups or stir fries after the harvest comes to a close.

Peppers

If you buy bell peppers, you know they can be on the spendy side, especially if you buy organic ones. Growing your own can save a pretty penny, though, especially once you get a garden plot or container established for them.

One gardener demonstrated how a successful crop of pepper plants in his raised bed can save approximately $320 a year, and that's including initial startup costs. Savings would be even greater in subsequent years since most of those costs aren't recurring.

@geekygreenhouse

How much money can you save by growing your own bell peppers? #gardening101 #gardeningtips

Peppers can be frozen fresh to be used in cooked dishes later. (Are we getting the hint that a large freezer is a necessity when you have a garden?) And the grow-your-own savings goes for all kinds of peppers, not just sweet bells. Poblanos, jalapenos, serranos, chili peppers—you can have a whole array of pepper plants right at your fingertips.

Lettuce

Salad lovers, rejoice, because growing your own leafy greens can be a big boon for your diet and your pocketbook. Romaine lettuce in particular is a fast-growing green that replenishes in just a week or two, so if you have a few of these babies planted you'll be eating fresh salads on the regular through the spring and summer (and into fall as long as the weather holds).

Lettuce is a comparatively easy crop to grow, so don't be intimidated if you've never done it.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

To harvest lettuce, you can cut off the largest, most mature leaves to eat, leaving the interior of the plant alone so it will keep on growing. Another method is to slice the whole lettuce plant straight across, as long as you leave the "crown" in the center so it can keep regrowing.

With lettuce, unfortunately, you don't get the ability to freeze for later, but having fresh salads for many months of the year makes up for it.

Cucumbers

If you enjoy the fresh, crisp crunch of a cucumber, growing your own is where it's at. While how much you can save will vary depending on where you live, where you shop, and how successful. your crop is, a cucumber patch can yield a ton of cucumbers, especially if you learn some tricks specific to cucumber growing.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

One of those "tricks" is to regularly harvest your cucumbers. The more you pick, the more the plant will produce—nifty, eh?

Another tip is to keep them watered well. Cucumbers are largely water, so they do require a lot of water to grow. Just don't get the leaves wet—keep the watering at the base of the plant.

Fresh Herbs

This might be the most cost savings you'll see in a garden, especially if you use a lot of fresh herbs (which you should—they're so good!). Have you ever bought fresh herbs in those little plastic clamshells at the store? They're usually $2 to $3 each for just a handful of leaves or sprigs, and they don't stay fresh for long. An herb garden can save you tons and provide a nonstop source of fresh flavorings.

Basil, oregano, rosemary, and mint are particularly easy to grow and you can even grow them in your kitchen.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

But a full-fledged herb garden is even more fun. Cilantro, parsley, holy basil, chives, dill, thyme—there are so many herbs you can grow yourself. In fact, you may find yourself using more herbs if you grow them since you won't have to spend money on them at the store and they need to be harvested in order to keep growing. Aromatic, healthy, delicious, and cheap—win, win, win, win.

And you can dry or freeze excess herbs to use for cooking later as well. So much winning.

Growing your own food isn't always easy, but learning how to garden crops that can save you big money is definitely worth the time and energy investment to try.