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Making friends as an adult is hard. These five tips from an expert can help.

Friendships never stop being important.

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Making friends is hard. But maybe it doens't have to be THAT hard.

Making friends as an adult is definitely not like making friends as a kid.

Remember how easy it was to make a new friend when you were young? Five minutes sharing a slide and suddenly you're bonded for life.

But as we grow older, making friends can become much harder. So hard, in fact, that some people equate having a large group of close friends to a miracle.

Friendships are an important part of life at any age.

Most everyone wants and needs friends, and research shows that friendships can have a huge effect on our physical and mental health. There's not much we can do about friendships that diminish and change as we age — people move, start families and new careers, and shift to new social circles — but it's important to keep forming meaningful, long-lasting connections with people throughout life, whether you're 25 or 80.

It's something that affects us all.

"Making friends is hard for everyone," says Ellen Hendriksen, clinical psychologist and author of "How to Be Yourself," a guide on learning to tame social anxiety. "It's not just you." But knowing you're not alone isn't going to get you the friend circle you want.

Here are five tips to getting into the mindset of making friends — and then going out and doing it.

1. Relax (aka the hardest step).

In college, my abnormal psychology professor told us about a guy who wanted to make friends — five friends (because we all seem have an arbitrary number of pals we think is appropriate). He went to a party and met five people he liked and got their numbers. This guy was so excited that he started calling his new friends immediately, asking them to do things and inviting them for coffee nearly every day.

Of course, his overexcitement became clingy, his new acquaintances suddenly started making excuses, and he ended up being a negative example for a group of undergrads learning about problems in human behavior.

"You can't make friends like a poacher," Hendriksen says. "Focus on being open and curious and thoughtful. Ask questions, listen when others respond, be friendly, and when you slowly inch into the mix, be intentional."

Allow yourself to be in the moment and ask questions that come up naturally. If someone says they're having a hard week at work, ask them about it. If someone tells you they've recently been on a trip, commit to asking something more than just "how was it?" Be interested.

shared interest, making friends, dog park, group involvement

Make friends through shared interests like a dog park.

Photo by Carol Magalhães on Unsplash

2. Repetition is key.

Most articles about how to make friends suggest that people find a hobby, join a group, or volunteer. But Hendriksen says that's not a fail-safe solution.

Ultimately, it's not the activity that matters — although it should be something you enjoy — it's the fact that you're finding a place where other people can get to know you over time. In fact, since more and more research shows that making friends takes longer than previously thought, it's important to give it some time; Hendriksen suggests giving it a season.

You don't have to join an official group or club. Hendriksen once turned an acquaintance into a good friend when the two bonded over their mission to try every Mexican restaurant in Cambridge, Massachusetts. The key is to engage in something that allows you to get to know other people and lets them to get to know you.

"You can go to the same dog park every morning," Hendriksen says. "You can join an Ultimate Frisbee team. You can walk your kids to the bus stop every day and chat with the other parents. Or you can start something with repetition. Have a weekly viewing party for your favorite TV show, start a writer's group, start a new mom's playgroup or a boozy book club."

Really, whatever works for you as long as other people are involved.

3. Disclose, but don’t confess.

Imagine you're meeting someone for the first time. You ask them how they're doing, and they say "fine." There's not much to work with because the other person hasn't disclosed anything. What else is there to say?

Now imagine a different person. You ask them how they're doing and their response is one of sheer distress: "Nothing is going right in my life. Parking was hell, my job kills me, and I'm still not over my ex." I imagine your response to this diatribe wouldn't be particularly positive.

And why should it be? These are things you'd tell to a very close friend, not just someone you've met at your new book club.

This doesn't mean we can never say anything negative — after all, we all have bad days. But your goal is to keep the connection on even footing. Sharing a little bit about yourself is fine, but the goal is to lead to further conversation rather than a deep emotional connection right off the bat.

Why doesn't confession work? Because it's too much, too soon. The goal of confession can be to foster a sense of kinship, but when that strong emotional connection has new acquaintances wondering whether you're looking for a friend or a therapist, the relationship is already off balance. You can get closer, but give it time first.

"Don't let them see all of the mess right away," Hendriksen says, "but let them see a little peek at the mess. What do you do? How do you spend your time? What do you think about? What are you like? Where are you from? What's your story?"

She notes that disclosing things about yourself may feel weird and even "selfish" at first, but it's just because you’re not used to it. Keep trying.

movies, specific day, concrete timeline, new friends

Suggesting a specific activity is better than 'let's hang out sometime.'

Photo by Simon Ray on Unsplash

4. Don’t fear the follow-through.

All of this meeting new people and sharing interests is leading somewhere, right? You also want to make more lasting connections with some of your new acquaintances.

To do that, you must initiate a plan and then follow through.

Sometimes, you'll be lucky and someone will ask you to do something first. But most people are a little bit terrified about stepping outside their comfort zone. And that means making the plans and following through can be tricky — for everyone.

The key is to be specific. "Do you want to hang out sometime?" seems like a nice, safe question that gets to whether someone wants to spend more time together, but it doesn't work. Even if the person says yes, you have no concrete timeline in place. You've thrown the ball into their court and are now at the whim of their schedule.

"Do you want to go see a movie on Saturday?" for instance, or "do you want to take a hike with me on Sunday?" are both great options to feel out if someone's interested in a specific activity on a specific day. If they say yes, then you're good to go.

If they say no? Well, they might come up with an alternative activity.

5. Allow yourself to be anxious. And then go for it anyway.

We've all been there: Someone invites you to an event, and you get excited, but when the day of the event comes, you'd rather be doing anything else. After all, comfort zones are ... well, comfortable.

Although the urge to cancel may be strong, recognizing that these feelings are normal is the first step to overcoming them.

Your brain, Hendriksen says, comes up with worst-case scenarios — What if you say something foolish? What if the other person is only doing it to be nice? What if you have nothing in common? — to keep you safe. "But really, it's a false alarm."

Remember when you were terrified about that presentation in class or that important meeting you were leading at work? Did it end up going OK, even if it was hard? Then why shouldn't this? After all, if you don't try, you'll never be ready.

Though most of us would rather, as Hendriksen says, cocoon ourselves away and hope that we'll emerge as beautiful social butterflies, the truth is that experience is the only way we can get there. So keep moving forward. You just have to take the first step.

This article originally appeared on 07.05.18

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Mom is completely embarrassed after kindergartner tells the teacher what she does for a living

“So I have to have a conversation with my son about how he tells people what I do for work."

via Canva/Photos

A mom is embarrassed by her child.

One of the great joys and stresses of parenting is that you never know what will come out of your child’s mouth. When you have kids who are young and inquisitive, they can say really inappropriate things to people without knowing that they were being rude or possibly offensive. TikTok influencer Aurora McCausland (@auroramccausland), known for her DIY cleaning tips, recently told a funny story on the platform about how her son believes she makes a living. The problem was that she heard about it from her child's teacher.


@auroramccausland

so this wasn’t on my bingo card 🥲 #momlife #momtok #sahm #sahmlife #funnyvideo #fypシ

 

Mom is embarrassed by her child

“The other day, I went and picked my five year old up from school and when I get to his classroom his teacher pulls me inside and says, ‘Hey, today he wanted to tell us about what Mommy does for work and said that Mommy makes videos in her bedroom but only when I'm [he’s] not at home,” McCausland recalled.

Given her body language while telling the story, McCausland was clearly mortified after hearing what her child said to his teacher. It makes it look like she may be posting videos to adult sites while her child is at work, which most people wouldn’t want their son’s teacher to know about.

The good news is that another teacher was there to clarify the young boy's comments by adding, “I think she makes TikTok videos.” The uncomfortable situation was a great invitation to chat with her son about what she does for a living. “So I have to have a conversation with my son about how he tells people what I do for work,” she finished her video.


 teacher, funny teacher, teacher posing, kindergarten, funny kids A teacher folding her hands.via Canva/Photos

 

The funny video went viral, earning over 1.7 million views on TikTok, and inspired many people to share the times when their children had funny ways of explaining their careers.

"My son told everyone that we were homeless (because we don’t own our home, we rent)," KBR wrote.

"I work in ortho.. my daughter told her teacher I steal people's knees bc she heard me talking to my husband about a knee replacement," Aingeal wrote.

"My son told a teacher we were living in our car over the summer. Camping. We went camping," Kera wrote.

"In kinder, my son thought Red Bull was alcohol and told his teacher I liked to have beer on the way to school," Ashley wrote.



My niece told her teacher her mom and dad work at the wh*re house. They work at the courthouse," Ellis wrote.

"My husband works as a table games dealer at a casino. Kindergartener, 'Daddy's a Dealer!' We now start every school year clearly stating he works at the casino," CMAC

"My son said we lived in a crack house…There’s a tiny chip in the wall from the doorknob," KNWerner wrote.

"My dad is a hospice chaplain and officiates a lot of funerals. My son and nephew were asked by their preschool teacher if their papa was retired or had a job. They told her his job was to kill people," Tiffyd wrote.

"My son said "my dad left me and I'm all alone" to a random person at the zoo. My husband was just at work," Shelby.
"I am now in my 70s. In my gradeschool, during the McCarthy era, I told my teacher my dad was a communist. He was an economist," Crackerbelly wrote.

"In Kindergarten, my daughter told her teacher that mommy drinks and drives all the time. Coffee. From Starbucks," Jessica wrote.

"Well I once told my kindergarden teacher a man climbs over our fence to visit my mom when her husband is not home... It was a handy man who came to fix gates when they were stuck," Annie wrote.

Ultimately, McCausland’s story is a fun reminder of how children see things through their own unique lens and, with total innocence, can say some of the funniest things. It’s also a great warning to parents everywhere: if you aren’t clear with your kids about what you do for a living, you may be setting yourself up for a very embarrassing misunderstanding.

This article originally appeared in March

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Baby shocks and delights crowd by taking magical first steps during WNBA halftime crawl

And the crowd goes wild!

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A baby takes their first steps. A basketball crowd goes wild.

It's a small step for a baby, but a GIANT step for mankind—at least on the Internet. Even though the Minnesota Lynx beat the living heck out of the Vegas Aces, it didn't sully the adorable halftime baby-race show. And now, basketball might never be the same.

From the WNBC Instagram page, they note "some wholesome content for your timeline."

 The Las Vegas Aces baby crawl is already adorable enough as it is. But on this particular day, magic struck. What follows is definitely one for the baby's digital scrapbook. As the parents and friends lined up on opposite sides of the court to encourage their racing baby to crawl as fast as they could, one small infant clad in red leggings, a white top, and a pink bow pulled ahead from the jump. The chyron reads, "We immediately had a front runner."

And just like that, this quick lil tot, out of nowhere, just stood up and started walking instead. "But then," the screen reads. "She started taking her first EVER steps." The crowd understandably goes wild. She, perhaps feeling the exciting momentum of her many new fans, picks up the pace and runs right into the arms of the woman waiting for her. In a supportive (and non-competitive) move, the surrounding mothers, sisters, and friends applaud the baby and give the mom all kinds of smiles and love.

The clip then shows the baby's proud dad (clearly an Aces fan) carrying her in one hand, and her giant inflatable trophy in the other. "Talk to me, Dad," we hear. He responds, "She hadn't been walking. She just randomly decided to stand up in the middle of the thing!" He laughs with more pride as the person filming says, "Proud dad moment. Congratulations, champ!"

 baby, nba, wnba, eating, kids  Cute baby at basketball game.  Giphy NBA 

The comments are hilarious and joyous. A top commenter suggests that perhaps this is a sign of things to come. "Draft speech...My first steps were on a WNBA court. It was destined!" Another agrees, adding, "The fact that she walked the rest of the way, for her first time, in socks, on a basketball court… yea she a hooper in the making FASHO!!!! I would have been a bawling MESS LOL!!"

Reddit has already exploded. In the subreddit r/NBA, someone jokingly posts, "Baby blatantly cheats by taking her first ever steps to win the Las Vegas Aces baby crawl race."

This is followed by over a thousand comments in 24 hours. One shouts, "REF DO SOMETHING." Others continue with that joke. "This is why I quit baby crawl racing, too many sweats."

This Redditor takes it up a notch, by mock-alerting sports analyst Stephen A. Smith. "Steven A. Smith: Let me tell you something right now! I’m sick and tired of these so-called “experts” in the baby community trying to tell me that these little ones, these adorable, chubby-cheeked miracles, THEY’VE ALREADY BEEN ABLE TO WALK BEFORE WE SEE IT ON CAMERA? I mean, have you lost your mind!?

Listen, this baby is a personal friend of mine! I’ve watched this baby, folks! I’ve seen the struggle, the wobbly knees, the carpet burn, the sheer DETERMINATION! Don’t come in my face, on national television, and try to throw shade on this achievement. When a baby takes its first steps, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS! THE. FIRST. STEPS."

 baby, baby walking, first steps, trying, kids A baby makes a great attempt at walking.  Giphy GIF by TLC 

Despite all the funny memes and jokes, many seemed moved by this moment. "I was thinking how so many parents don’t get the chance to actually film the first walk and this being it is pretty momentous. Now imagine being the kid’s younger sibling and having to live up to this lol."

  - Baby takes first steps during a basketball halftime show.  www.youtube.com, The Today Show 

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A man found a strange egg and incubated it. 28 days later, it hatched and changed his life.

It's a love story straight out of a Pixar movie.

Courtesy of Riyadh Khalaf/Instagram (used with permission)
When Riyadh found an egg, he had no idea how much it would change his life.

When we come across something that's wrong or amiss, we often have a choice. Leave it for someone else to deal with, or do the right thing. Taking action is hard, but it's a risk that can have absolutely beautiful results.

The story of Riyadh and Spike starts like the opening to a children's book: "One day, a man was walking along and spotted a lone egg where an egg should not have been…" And between that beginning and the story's mostly sweet ending is a beautiful journey of curiosity, care, and connection that has captivated people all over the world.

Irish author, broadcaster, and activist Riyadh Khalaf was out walking in Devon, England, when he came upon an egg.

"We just found what we think is a duck egg," Riyadh says in a video showing the milky white egg sitting in a pile of dirt. "Just sitting here on its own. No nest. No other eggs."

 duck egg on the ground, duck egg in incubator, duckling just hatched, humanity, kindness, ducks, animals, wildlife, conservation What would you do if you found a lone egg on the ground?  Photo by Alexander Andrews on Unsplash  

Thinking there was no way it was going to survive on its own, Riyadh put the egg in a paper cup cushioned with a napkin and took it home to London, which entailed two car rides, a hotel stay, a train ride, a tube ride, and a bus ride. He said he used to breed chickens and pigeons, so he had some experience with birds. Knowing the egg could survive for a while in a dormant state, he ordered an incubator on Amazon. An incubator keeps eggs at a particular temperature and humidity range in order to allow them to continue growing. They mimic the warmth the egg receives from the mother birding sitting on it in the nest. Without that warmth, the fetus inside the egg will die.

With the egg tucked safely inside the warm incubator, te journey to see if the egg was viable began.

 
 

Even though it was "just an egg," Riyadh quickly became attached, and once it showed signs of life he took on the role of "duck dad."

Every day, the egg showed a drastic change in development. The incubator was working, and Riyadh's giddy joy at each new discovery—movement, a discernible eye, a beak outline—was palpable. He devoured information on ducks to learn as much as he could about the baby he was (hopefully) about to hatch and care for.


Finally, 28 days later, the shell of the egg began to crack. The baby was coming!

"I could see this very clear outline of the most gorgeous little round bill," Riyadh said—confirmation that it was, indeed, a duck as he had suspected. But duckling hatching is a process, and one they have to do it on their own. Ducklings instinctively know to turn the egg as it hatches so that the umbilical cord detaches, and the whole process can take up to 48 hours. Riyadh watched and monitored until he finally fell asleep, but at 4:51am, 29 hours after the egg had started to hatch, he awakened to the sound of tweets.

"There was just this little wet alien staring back at me," he said. "It was love at first sight."

Riyadh named his rescue duckling Spike. Once Spike was ready to leave the incubator, he moved into "Duckingham Palace," a setup with all of the things he would need to grow into a healthy, self-sufficient duck—including things that contribute to his mental health. (Apparently ducklings can die from poor mental health, which can happen when they don't have other ducks to interact with—who knew?)

"My son shall not only survive, but he shall thrive!" declared the proud papa.

Riyadh knew it would be impossible for Spike to not imprint on him somewhat, but he didn't want him to see him as his mother. Riyadh set up mirrors so that Spike could see another duckling (even though it was just himself) and used a surrogate stuffed duck to teach him how to do things like eat food with his beak.

He used a duck whistle and hid his face from Spike while feeding him, and he played duck sounds on his computer to accustom Spike to the sounds of his species. He knew that Spike could not stay and live with him forever, so he'd need to learn how to become a normal, every day duck.

"It's just such a fulfilling process to watch a small being learn," said Riyadh.

As Spike grew, Riyadh took him to the park to get him accustomed to the outdoors and gave him opportunities to swim in a small bath. He learned to forage and do all the things a duck needs to do. Throughout, Riyadh made sure that Spike was getting the proper balanced nutrition he needed as well.

In the wild, most ducks eat plants, small insects, seeds, grains, and fruits. Some species of ducks will even eat small fish. Contrary to popular belief, bread is not good for ducks. It's not inherently harmful, but it's basically candy to them — it has little to none of the nutrients their bodies need. So if they fill up on bread, they may eat less of the foods they really need. Riyadh had a lot to learn!

Check this out:

After 89 days, the day finally came for Spike to leave Riyadh's care and be integrated into a community of his kind "to learn how to properly be a duck."

A rehabilitation center welcomed him in and he joined a flock in an open-air facility where he would be able to choose whether to stay or to leave once he became accustomed to flying. Within a few weeks of being at the rehabilitation center, his signature mallard colors developed, marking his transition from adolescence. Spike has been thriving with his flock, and Riyadh was even able to share video of his first flight.

This is the where "And they all lived happily ever after" would be a fitting end to the story, but unfortunately, Spike and his fowl friends are living in trying times. The rehabilitation center was notified by the U.K. government in December of 2024 that the duck flock needed to be kept indoors for the time being to protect them from a bird flu outbreak and keep it from spreading.

Building an entire building for a flock of ducks is not a simple or cheap task, so Riyadh called on his community of "daunties" and "duncles" who had been following Spike's story to help with a fundraiser to build a "Duckingham Palace" for the whole flock. Riyadh's followers quickly raised over £11,000, which made a huge difference for the center's owners to be able to protect Spike and his friends.

All in all, Riyadh and Spike's story is a testament to what can happen when people genuinely care. If Riyadh had left that egg where it was, it may not have made it. If Spike hadn't survived and been moved to the rehab center, the ducks there would be in greater danger of the bird flu due to the costs of building an indoor shelter for them. Despite the ongoing bird flu threat, the story really does have a happy ending.

In an update from June 2025, Riyadh shares that Spike is currently living with Leanne Clarke, who built a rescue shelter called "The Quack Shack" in her home. Riyadh's story and fundraising made much of the construction possible. Spike is starting to remember Riyadh less and less, which is bittersweet, but means that Spike is thriving in his new safe, domesticated life.

Thank to Riyadh for sharing Spike's journey with us. (You can follow Riyadh on Instagram here.)

This article originally appeared in January. It has been updated.

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What enjoying solitude says about your personality (and it's not that you hate people)

Beyond just introversion or extroversion, a study explains why some people like their own company more than others.

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Some people love being alone. Others try to avoid it.

I've always loved being alone. As a kid, I would happily spend hours alone immersed in my own imaginary worlds, and as an adult, I greatly enjoy my own company. Spending time by myself has always been a positive experience for me, and I crave it when I don't get to be alone for too long. Being alone never feels lonely to me.

But I also love people. I have lots of friends and a positive view of humanity in general. Loving people and loving solitude coexist in my psyche with zero conflict, and it's never made sense to me when people associate wanting to be alone with not liking being around people. I am a social creature who benefits from community, but I also enjoy solitude.

 being alone, me time, solitude, introspection, awe There's a freedom in being alone.Photo credit: Canva

I'm not alone (pun intended) in this. When we asked our Upworthy audience to name something they enjoy that others don't understand, the most common answer was overwhelmingly "solitude." Some enjoy solitude, but others find being alone undesirable and something to avoid. Introversion and extroversion have long been used to explain the difference between people who crave solitude and people who don't, but one study offers a different explanation: the rarely-talked-about emotion of awe.

A study from Peking University found that people who experience awe tend to view solitude in a more positive light than those who don't. Participants, which included both Chinese and American subjects, were shown awe-inspiring photos or videos (like the Milky Way or other natural wonders) vs. neutral (such as an empty street) or amusing ones (funny animal videos). Other subjects were asked to imagine times they'd felt awe or happiness in the past. Then they were all asked to report on how alone or lonely they felt and how they felt about being alone.

 being alone, me time, solitude, introspection, awe Being alone doesn't mean being lonely.Photo credit: Canva

In each case, people who had been prompted to experience awe tended to report feeling alone but not lonely. They also expressed a more positive view of solitude and feeling more drawn to being alone than to being around others.

So it appears that people who experience awe on a regular basis or who tap into that emotion more readily might just be the folks to naturally enjoy solitude. But what is it about awe that makes solitude more attractive?

The study authors point to the self-transcendent nature of awe negating the feeling of loneliness and giving rise to the freedom to contemplate "universal spiritual questions," writing:

"Awe typically arises when people encounter something physically or mentally vast (e.g., the universe or profound wisdom) and feel a need to change their mental structure to accommodate the experience. Awe experiences are self-transcendental, allowing people to transcend their current frames of reference and feel connected to a greater entity. As a self-transcendental emotion, awe may evoke feeling alone but not lonely, breaking the misconception that solitude leads to loneliness. In the presence of a grand entity, people can free themselves from their daily triviality and might feel only themselves speaking to the grand entity and therefore feel alone. However, this feeling alone does not come with loneliness, because self-transcendence provides a deep sense of connectedness—usually with an entity larger than people themselves, such as culture, humanity, or all of existence.

 being alone, me time, solitude, introspection, awe Does enjoying solitude mean you're more in touch with your sense of awe?Photo credit: Canva

"In addition to helping differentiate solitude from loneliness, awe may foster positive attitudes toward solitude through self-transcendence. By transcending day-to-day concerns, awe may motivate people to reflect on the meaning of and find answers to universal spiritual questions as well as pursue their true selves. Solitude is an ideal state for contemplating profound questions because it frees people from social constraints and provides freedom to reflect. Thus, awe-evoked self-transcendence might make people appreciate time alone. Supporting this notion, elder people who experienced gerotranscendence (encompassing self-transcendence and cosmic transcendence) were content to spend time alone in quiet contemplation and reported less interest in supercial social interaction. Near-death transcendent experiences also increased appreciation of and need for solitude. In light of these findings, it is plausible that awe may lead people to find solitude enjoyable and be eager to spend time alone due to the rewarding aspects of self-transcendental states."

Essentially, awe helps us step outside of ourselves and connect with the larger reality of our existence. While sometimes those big questions can feel overwhelming or even scary to ponder alone, when we put ourselves in a state of awe, those reflections become more enjoyable.

 being alone, me time, solitude, introspection, awe Some of us genuinely enjoy our own company.Photo credit: Canva

“By helping people connect with themselves and the grandness of existence, awe can help people view solitude more positively,” says study coauthor Yige Yin of Peking University. “In this way, it may also help prevent loneliness by encouraging people to enjoy their time alone.”

Like anything else, tapping into our sense of awe probably comes more naturally to some people than to others. But the study authors say that partaking in activities that inspire awe on a daily basis may help people enjoy time alone more and improve well-being.

“Solitude can be interesting and valuable,” Yin says. “When you can just enjoy a peaceful time alone to speak to yourself and connect yourself to the greater world, it can be as important as time spent with others. It might be worth embracing rather than avoiding.”

That's a pretty awesome conclusion, if you ask me.

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Emotional intelligence expert shares the best way to keep your cool after negative feedback

"Learn the 1 sentence that'll make you better at everything."

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A depressed office worker.

It’s your yearly review time with your boss, and although you know you’ve done a good job over the past year, the boss gives you a good old’ fashioned compliment sandwich. She starts with a compliment, then hits you with some pointed criticism, and then ends with another positive message. But all you can think about is the negative feedback you received in the middle.

After receiving the negative feedback, you feel a bit queasy and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You’re dealing with a rush of emotions, but you have to respond. What do you say? Justin Bariso, author of EQ Applied :The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence and a thought leader on the subjects of leadership, management, and emotional intelligence, says that before you say something you’re going to regret, ask for some time to give a response.

How to respond to negative feedback and criticism

“Whenever you receive negative feedback, and you’re tempted to say something you’re likely to regret, say this instead: Thanks for expressing your thoughts...Please give me a day or so to process this, and I’ll respond,” Bariso writes on Twitter.

 


 

Why is it so important to wait before responding to negative feedback that may have been emotionally painful? “Your first emotion is your emotional reaction. It comes from the amygdala, the little almond-shaped part of your brain that jumps into action when you feel attacked. But once time has passed, the amygdala calms down…and you start thinking more rationally,” Bariso writes.

“Just giving yourself a day to process the feedback helps you to see it much differently. Instead of seeing it as hurtful, you can now see it as helpful,” he continues. “So…The next time you get critical feedback, take a step back, and be a diamond cutter. You'll transform that feedback into something valuable—and that'll make you better at...Just about everything.”

 work, office, sad employee, boss, criticism, upset worker, employees An employee getting yelled at with a bullhorn. via Canva/Photos

Bariso says his wait-a-day approach works for “just about everything” because we have to deal with negative feedback in almost every facet of our lives, whether it’s work, relationships, or hobbies. It’s reassuring to know that in nearly all cases, we have the option to delay responding to unexpected negative feedback.

Bariso believes that in these emotionally heightened moments, it’s better to respond than to react.


The reason why, in an emotionally charged situation, our initial reaction may not be appropriate is that, according to Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC, we all have a hard-wired impulse to react quickly to anything that feels like a threat. “Thinking takes time, and when a bear is charging at you, you don’t have time to ponder how the bear might be feeling or why exactly you feel so afraid,” Bobby writes at Growing Self. “You just leap to your feet and run to safety, thanks to the finely-tuned threat sensors that are baked into the machinery of your brain.”

Next time you feel your heart racing and your blood pressure rising because you’ve been criticized, whether fairly or unfairly, just realize that it’s best to respond when your body doesn’t think it is being chased by a wild animal. Then you can reply to your critics in an honest, strategic, and thoughtful way. Because a thoughtful, strategic reaction to criticism shows emotional intelligence, which is one of the most highly sought-after traits in any type of relationship.

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