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Comedians George Carlin, Jim Gaffigan and Joan Rivers

Laughter really is the best medicine, and there are a lot of ways to get your daily dose. You can rewatch an old funny movie that's been proven to get the job done, listen to a hilarious podcast, or goof around with friends. Maybe the most efficient way to really get yourself rolling, though, is to take in some stand-up comedy.

And while it feels like the true heyday of stand-up is over — the days of George Carlin and Richard Pryror — the truth is that stand-up is more popular than ever. That's thanks, in part, to Netflix, which drives millions of viewers to featured comedy acts, who then go on to sell out huge theaters for their shows.

Comedy is powerful, necessary, and relevant. In fact, Oscar Wilde once said, "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

A Reddit user recently posed a great question on the AskReddit subforum: “What is a quote from a comedian you'll never forget?”

The post quickly went viral, receiving over 10,700 responses on the first day. Of the countless comedians mentioned in the thread, Norm Macdonald appears to be the most quotable.

Sadly, Macdonald died of cancer in 2021, but he was famous for his outlandish musings, delivered in a dry, deliberate tone. Macdonald is best known as a stand-up comedian, but he was also memorable on television as a cast member on "Saturday Night Live" from 1993 to 1997 and on his sitcom, “The Norm Show.” Two other deceased funnymen were often quoted in the discussion, Mitch Hedberg and George Carlin.

Hedberg’s comedy was based on short, memorable one-liners filled with absurdity. He passed away in 2005 from a drug overdose. George Carlin is often listed among the greatest stand-up comedians of all time and was a voice of the counterculture in the ‘60s and ‘70s. Later in life, his comedy evolved into a nihilistic criticism of American life that, for many, is still relevant today.

“It's called 'the American Dream' 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it,” Carlin said.

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyGeorge Carlin is considered by many to be the GOATGiphy

Here are 23 of the funniest and most poignant quotes from a comedian shared by users on the AskReddit forum.

1.

"Every time you clog a toilet, you exceeded someone’s expectations." — Unknown

2.

"Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work." — Norm Macdonald

This came from Macdonald's memoir, "Based on a True Story," a must-read for Norm fans. My favorite thing about this line is that it was a sort of random throwaway, almost an afterthought, as he was expressing disdain for a doctor who told a joke and got a big laugh from everyone else in the room.

And that doctor's joke? It was Macdonald's own moth story.

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRIP Norm MacdonaldGiphy

3.

“I’m not an adventurous person. I’ve only ever used one side of a cheese grater.” — James Acaster

4.

“I’ve started cooking with wine. That sounds so fancy, cooking with wine. What I do is I get drunk and I make rice. I tell my friends ‘come over, I’m cooking with wine.’ They come over, I’m drunk, and there’s rice everywhere.” — Kevin Nealon

5.

"What is it like to have four kids? Imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby." — Jim Gaffigan

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyJim Gaffigan, the funniest lazy dad you know.Giphy

6.

"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread." — Mitch Hedberg


7.

“Cocaine is God's way of saying you make too much money." — Robin Williams

8.

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." — Bob Newhart

9.

“People say someone lost their battle with cancer. But if someone dies from cancer, the cancer dies too. I’d call that a draw.” — Norm MacDonald

10.

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States." — Spike Milligan

11.

"When you are on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way." — Richard Pryor

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRichard Pryor: a legend.Giphy

12.

"I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic...in morse code." — Emo Phillips

13.

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx

14.

"I didn't want to be Drunk in Public. I wanted to be drunk in a bar. They THREW me into public." — Ron White

15.

"I know I'm getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!" — Rodney Dangerfield

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRodney Dangerfield don't get no respect.Giphy

16.

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." — George Carlin

17.

"When you got a career there ain't enough time in the world...when you got a job there's too much time." — Chris Rock

18.

"She had enough plastic surgery so that when she crossed her legs, her mouth snapped open." — Joan Rivers

19.

"Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in." — Doug Stanhope

20.

"I'm impulsive, but I'm also quite indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now." - Dylan Moran

21.

“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.” - Mitch Hedberg

22.

"When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful & difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid." - Ricky Gervais


best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRicky Gervais dances in 'The Office'Giphy

23.

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while.

Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, 'Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, 'Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.'

And we … kill those people.

'Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.'

It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride.

And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace." — Bill Hicks

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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A woman looks annoyed over coffee. Two people grab the check.

You know that moment on a date where you feel you're totally vibing? They say something funny, or they get your super obscure joke. There's a sparkle in both of your eyes when one of you says, "No way! Breaking Bad is my favorite show too!" Then the check comes, and what happens next is totally unexpected.

That's what happened when a 29-year-old woman was set up by a mutual friend with a 31-year-old guy. According to a story on Yahoo! Life(via People Magazine), they met for coffee, laughed and bonded, and when the (for some reason) $100 check came, he paused and said, "Is it alright if you pay for this?" Now that wasn't the bad part. She actually claims she had every intention of splitting the check and wasn't too flustered that he asked her to pay.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com, CBC Vancouver

She claims, however, "Right after I paid, he got this huge grin on his face and said, ‘Congratulations, you passed the test! You're not a gold digger.'"

She was not pleased and told him as much. “I told him that I'm not his ex and he has no right to treat me like I'm guilty until proven innocent. I also said he’s not some prize that I need to pass tests for.”

She then told their mutual friend she wasn't interested and blocked him. But, unfortunately, he started making fake accounts and even tried to hit her up on LinkedIn, and from there—things got a bit scary.

She explains, "At first, it was stuff like ‘I just want to explain,’ then ‘You’re not like other girls.' Then it turned into full paragraphs about how I’m ‘punishing’ him for protecting himself and how he’s the one who feels betrayed.'"

She posted this story on the popular subreddit page, r/AITAH (Am I the A-hole), and it went completely viral. And although she deleted her original post, Redditors are not done discussing the topic. Thousands have commented, with tons rolling in every hour—and they have lots of different angles.

First, the stalking aspect. One commenter warns, "The fact that he is stalking you, contacting you through fake phone numbers and changed accounts is a huge red flag. Relationship tests are bad, but when you pass and you decide that the relationship test was also a test of them and they failed, and they don't give up, gives bunny in the pot vibes."

Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction, stalking, movies, relationshipsGlenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction.Giphy Paramount Pictures

Some are concerned by his behavior, and one gives advice to stop "feeding him." "At this point, no response is better. If you respond to a pest, it just feeds the animals. Like a small kid who knows with certain people if they whine enough or throw a big enough tantrum, they will get their way. You don't want him to think it just takes persistence and OP will respond. Hell no! OP should not put any energy or response to his behavior."

More than one person points out the irony that HE was testing HER and suggests she tell him "he failed the stalker test multiple times."

Many agree that she is not, in fact, the a-hole—though not all. One assures her, "Wonderful! It was a great test for you to realize what a POS he really is!! Stay away from him!! You definitely dodged that bullet!!"

A few question why a coffee date cost 100 dollars. "I wanna know what coffee shop y’all went to so I can avoid it because there’s no way in hell coffee and pastries cost $100." (It's later pointed out that the OP stated she was not in the U.S., so perhaps it's not actually in U.S. dollars.)

coffee, pastries, dating, latte, dateCoffee and pastries are displayed on a table. Photo by Vicky Gu on Unsplash

On a more serious note, this person breaks it down all in one place: "The problem is not that he tested her on a date… we constantly test the other person when dating to see if they are suitable long-term partners, women do this to men constantly even after marrying them. What’s good for one is good for the other… moving on since I actually have to preface THAT.

The real issue is two things… 1. He told her about the test afterward instead of noting her passing the test in his mind and moving on… 2. He is now stalking her when she was no longer interested… a major sign of weakness and low emotional health."

Others discuss how reasonable, healthy people go about money on dates. A comment on the Yahoo! story shares their way of dealing with finances: "My last lady friend and I had a great system for sharing expenses. If I invited her out to eat or a movie, I paid. If she invited me out for dinner, a play or other event, she paid. I did some different maintenance and repair around her house and she home-cooked me a nice meal. She made a standing offer to help me with some of my home improvements, including cleaning up the mess after the work. I've never asked her for a dime of her considerable money and she hasn't offered because I made it clear at the start that I can manage without anyone helping me. It worked for over ten years."

gold, money, golddigging, dating, gold diggerBars of gold are stacked side by side. Photo by Jingming Pan on Unsplash

And one has the perfect quip about how oftentimes, the person who thinks they're the biggest prize isn't quite that: "I’d bet money that he’s one of those men who accuses women of being gold diggers… when he’s got no gold."

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A man helps move boxes. A woman is surprised.

A person's siblings can be a tough crowd. Especially when you're dating their brother or sister. What seems like being "protective" to them might come off as dismissive, demeaning, or downright rude to you. And once you're on their bad side, for whatever reason, it can be hard to prove them wrong.

The Simpsons, sisters, Marge Simpson, peptalk, siblingsA GIF from season 2 of the SimpsonsGiphy

That said, sometimes the sweetest revenge really is the kind that's patient and pure. That was the case for a guy who simply couldn't seem to earn any respect from his girlfriend's sister.

On the subreddit r/pettyrevenge, a Redditor wrote, "My girlfriend’s sister never liked me. Every time we were around family, she’d say stuff like, 'You’re just her boyfriend, not family,' or 'Don’t get too comfortable.' I let it slide for over a year because I didn’t want to start drama. A few months ago, she needed help moving apartments. Nobody else was free, and she asked me. I said sure, showed up early, loaded the truck, even brought her a coffee. She was kinda shocked. When we finished, she just looked at me and said, 'I didn’t think you’d actually show.' I just smiled and said, 'Yeah, I’m just the boyfriend of your sister, remember?' She stared at me for a second and acted like [she felt] guilty.

She’s been way more respectful since."

guy moving boxes, moving day, helping, lifting, serviceA man helps move boxes. www.flickr.com

In just two days, this received over 77,000 upvotes and thousands of comments on Reddit—the consensus being that people actually want nice people to remain, well—nice people. Commenters seemed impressed that he stuck to his guns and didn't resort to her childish and frankly bullying behavior.

The top comment relays, "This is my favorite form of petty revenge. Petty because you can’t help but twist the dagger showing she has been being an a-hole to you, but also still sticking to your morals and being a good dude and helping out."

After a few quote the film Dark Knight Rises (something about a slow knife turning), one person points out that in actuality, this isn't really petty at all. In fact, it's downright inspiring. "I don't even think it's petty, he's constructively helping her see her douchey ways."

Since this is Reddit, even that comment gets some pushback. "It was a little petty, because he could have said nothing and done the same thing, and just let her silently respect that he showed up for her, but def constructive, non-aggressive petty at that."

Pushing back even further on the whole concept of petty: "Do people not know what 'petty' means... 'cause it's not being petty. The man made a point. That's what that's called. And it isn't even in the 'revenge' category ffs—it’s called 'earning trust.'"

The Office, Well Played, Rainn Wilson, Peacock, rivalsDwight admits "well played" on season 5 of The Office.Giphy, NBC, Peacock

Whether technically "petty" or not, many Redditors agree that this man remained a perfect gentleman by doing his best to ignore her petty comments and still managing to come through when she was in a time of need. It was a slow play and seems like it truly worked out. "It’s honestly genius. He made her reflect on herself and feel way worse than she ever would have if he tried arguing with her about it or saying it hurt his feelings. He just proved her wrong with actions and left her to realize she was the jerk."

In the end, it's staying ethically true to one's self and hoping to bring the other person around by just… ya know… being nice. As this commenter put it, "Yep. Be the better person. For you, not for them."

Canva, Wikipedia

A man shows off his dapper vest. Theo Von performs stand up.

Theodor Capitani von Kurnatowski III has come a long way from Louisiana, where he emancipated himself from his parents at just 14. While shedding parental supervision, he also shed most of his name, so you might only know him as Theo Von.

Just five years later, Theo became a cast member on MTV's Road Rules and subsequently appeared on four seasons of MTV's The Challenge. If you watched those shows, you'll know Theo never shies away from a funny quip, a weird take, something controversial bordering on dumb, or just plain awkward absurdity.

Theo Von,  comedian, fashion, UFC, gifTheo Von turns aroundGiphy Sport GIF by UFC

But through his now many years as a stand-up comic, content creator, and podcaster, he always asks interesting questions of his guests… and of himself. In an article for NOLA, he claimed his evolution of thought was born from having had the "frame of reference of a poor person."

Just recently, he took a stand on an extremely controversial topic: vests. That's right...that clothing item that used to be reserved only for tuxedo purposes or Diane Keaton. Brace yourselves: Theo is PRO-VESTS.

He breaks it down on his podcast. "Now I love a vest," he exclaims. "A vest is the only piece of clothing that you can look sharp and catch a football at the same time. Comfortably, okay?" He pauses for a split second as if to say, let THAT sink in. "If you wanna hug somebody and feel a little bit more of the hug than usual—THAT'S a vest."

He continues, "If you've been drinking all day or doing drugs or whatever and you don't know if you're supposed to go to a wedding or a rave, hmm, what am I gonna wear? A snorkel? No! A vest. And that's just a snorkel for your torso, baby. That f-ing vest."

Need more proof that a vest is the best? "If you're not sure if you're gonna be doing magic later on tonight," he says as he mimes doing magic, "Vest."

magic, magician, vest, clothing, theo vonKrendl magician doing a card trick in Virginia. www.flickr.com

"The crazy thing about vests is… they remember your body shape. Not a lot of different pieces of clothing remember your body like a vest does."

He compares it to protection during intimate moments, claiming that a vest remembers your contours. "A vest knows if you're a man or a woman. A vest knows. You want to have a gender reveal party? Tie a vest up around that womb. A vest knows. A vest knows a lot more than we think it does."

Theo himself dares his Instagram followers to "name a better clothing." After many puns, including what good "inVESTment" vests are, no one in the nearly 1,500 comments can beat it.

Interestingly, Reddit has claimed the "vest" has made a comeback, as recently as last year. On the subreddit r/femalefashion advice, one person asks, "I want to buy a vest, but I really don't know if it's just for now. I know vests have come and gone through the years, but I just recently started getting into fashion."

This shockingly receives over 100 comments, with one responding, "Oh, it’s definitely trendy. It’s a big part of the 20-year fashion cycle — right now the early 00s are trendy again. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn't enjoy the trend! There’s no such thing as timeless fashion, and you should wear things that you like."

vest, dancing, clothing, cheesy, christmasA woman dances wearing a Christmas vest.Giphy

Another Redditor offers this wise cautionary advice: "Vests can be a hard piece to pull off. The popular ones right now are an easy entry point, which is cool for folks wanting to experiment with their style. But I only see these types of vests being classic staples for a small amount of folk. So the vests everyone is wearing are trends, but not the article of clothing itself."

And this person really opposes the idea: "Girl, trendy. They were hot in the mid-late 90s and we wore them then for a few years and then haven’t seen them since. You’ll wear it a few times before the trend evolves (brocade floral vests instead of oatmeal blah linen vests?) and then after that it will be gone completely for another 20–30 years. Timeless is a myth."

Theo would probably answer that with, "You know what's not a myth? Vests."