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Studies show non-parents are happier than parents unless 1 of these 3 things are true

"Bundle of joy" might not be the most apt nickname.

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Having kids decreases your quality of life and marital satisfaction, but that doesn't mean you can't be happy.

For decades now there's been one great question looming over society: Does having kids make you happier?

Most studies show that, perhaps surprisingly, people without children tend to be happier, or have more life satisfaction. And when you really think about it, it makes sense why. Being child-free eases your finances and allows you more time to pursue friends, romance, hobbies, travel, adventure, and career aspirations. Having children makes your immediate quality of life and marital satisfaction go down temporarily, or in some cases, permanently. The Surgeon General even recently issued an advisory warning that parental stress is a major public health issue.

But there are three factors that might turn the tide. In the right circumstances, the joy and immense satisfaction of raising children can overcome all the associated stressors and lead to incredible joy and happiness. Other studies from around the globe prove that you might just be a happy parent if:

 parents, parenting, moms, dads, children, kids, family, love, stress, happiness, studies, research When your kids grow up and move out, it's like you've won: That's when the happiness really kicks in.  Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash  

1. Your kids have moved out

A study from Heidelberg University in Germany specifically looked at happiness in people aged 50 and older. What they found makes a lot of sense.

People who have children were happier than those without, but only in the older age group, and only when those grown children no longer lived at home. Drilling down, the research found that when children become a source of "social enjoyment" rather than stress, life satisfaction increases dramatically while symptoms of depression decrease.

You can think of it as finally getting to enjoy the fruits of your hard labor. After spending decades teaching, nurturing, and shaping your children, your twilight years is when you get to really enjoy them as fully-fledged people who enrich your lives. While there's lots of joy and fun and happiness to be found in the younger years, those years are also marred with financial and other stressors which can subdue our overall happiness.

2. You have a lot of money AND good work/life balance


 parents, parenting, moms, dads, children, kids, family, love, stress, happiness, studies, research Parents struggle to make enough money while devoting time to caring for and enjoying their kids.  Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash  

One study out of Bocconi University in Milan, Italy found that "Parents are happier than non-parents ... as long as parents feel they can handle their work pressures to find work/life balance and they have the financial and other resources they need."

Oh, is that all?

Some estimates say it costs roughly $24,000 per year to raise a child, on average. A family with three kids would need to make about $75,000 just to cover the absolute bare minimum food and childcare costs — yowza! The costs are more when they're young (daycare, childcare, diapers, toys) but it never stops being expensive. Parenting is also extremely time-consuming, requiring several hours per day of childcare and extra housework for most families.

The impossible conundrum that many parents find themselves in is somehow having enough money and enough time to do it all. It's easy to see that if you can somehow solve that puzzling equation, yeah, you'd be a heck of a lot happier. Easier said than done!

3. You don't live in the United States

 parents, parenting, moms, dads, children, kids, family, love, stress, happiness, studies, research Parents in Spain, Norway, Sweden, Portugal, and more are enjoying more time off to spend with family.  Photo by Mauro Lima on Unsplash  

In 2016, The Council of Contemporary Families wanted to look into whether parental discontent was a global phenomenon or not. So, they studied parents and non-parents from 22 different countries to see if they could find any differences in life satisfaction.

The report found that parents in countries like Norway, Hungary, Portugal, Finland, Sweden and Spain were shown to be happier than non-parents.

And yet, according to Time Magazine, "Of the 22 countries the researchers studied, America has the biggest happiness differential between parents and the child-free."

The report specifically cites the high cost of childcare for young children and the limited amount of paid leave Americans receive—and not just parental leave, but simple vacation time. Countries like Spain and Portugal mandate anywhere from 22-30 paid leave days per year, while Americans average about 11. That allows for significantly less time to actually enjoy time with your kids, and has a big impact on our happiness, or lack thereof.

Of course, happiness can be measured in a lot of different ways. Is happiness a blissful feeling of freedom and joy? Or is it a deep satisfaction and sense of purpose in your life? Or maybe a combination of the two?

What the overall body of research seems to show is that there are many different paths to happiness, whether you choose to have children or not. Finding joy and satisfaction in your life as a parent might be considered "hard-mode." There are a lot of obstacles working against you, especially in America, but the research is beginning to give us some clues about how we can get there.

This article originally appeared in May.

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Researcher says parents who have strong relationships with their adult children do 7 things

The relationship you form when they're little has ripple effects much later on.

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Parenting coach urges parents who want a good relationship with their adult children to do these 7 things

My wife and I really love our kids. OK, that sounds obvious. But I guess what I really mean is that we like them. We always joke that we'd be totally OK if our kids lived with us forever, mooching off of our money and food and and hanging out with us forever and forever. Doesn't sound too bad to me!

We're mostly joking, of course. Obviously I want them to flourish in their own lives, find spouses and/or have children if that's what they want, seek success in their careers and have rich friendships and adventures all over the world. So I will probably have to settle for just having a good relationship with them, one that straddles the line between parent and friend just right.

will ferrell, meatloaf, wedding crashers, parenting, moms, motherhood, kids, adult chidlrenI guess there's a downside to your kids living at home forever.Giphy

When your kids are grown, you're not really their buddy or bestie, but you also have to take a step back from your full-time role as protector and teacher. You have to land in the sweet spot in between, and a lot of parents get this wrong, falling too far to one side or the other. Conflict can come from anywhere, from the adult children feeling overly criticized or controlled, to poor boundaries, to disagreements about modern vs old-school parenting/marriage/values.

Navigating these conflicts well is crucial, but the real work is done much, much earlier.

Reem Raouda, a Certified Conscious Parenting Coach and researcher, recently wrote about her observations after working with over 200 different families. She says the foundation for a good parent-adult child relationship begins in the early years.

Parents who are successful in this area do seven things early on when their kids are young. They're actually much harder than they sound.

parenting, motherhood, fatherhood, moms, dads, babies, family, loveA good relationship with your adult children starts here. Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

Let them know their feelings matter

You know the classic "husband mistake" where he wants to fix all his wife's problems instead of just letting her vent? Yeah, parents do that, too. As protectors and teachers, we rush to fix or offer solutions but often fail to acknowledge our kids' feelings. Raouda says making your children feel understood is a key building block to your relationship several years down the road.

Choose connection over control

Fear can be useful if your goal is to make sure your children do all their chores and never misbehave in front of you. But it's not going to serve your relationship into their adult years. A gentler approach based on listening and empathy, and one that deprioritizes obedience, is the better longterm strategy.

"When kids feel emotionally secure, they continue seeking your support well into adulthood," she writes.

Give them a voice in their own life

We try to do this as often as we can, so I know exactly how hard it is. Take summer camps — what I want to do is sign my kids up for the things I think will be good for them and the camps that will work well for my schedule. But they may have totally different ideas. Making space for what they want is time-consuming and annoying (they don't want to go to camp at all, or they want to go to a camp that doesn't exist), but is hugely important in giving them agency.


kids, sports, dads, fatherhood, fathers, children, teens, familyDon't force your son to play football just because you love it.Giphy

Own your mistakes

This is a huge one, but very difficult to do! A lot of parents are too proud to apologize to their own children or they think it undermines them. It's difficult because when you treat another adult badly or say or do something you regret, you know you're going to have to apologize — but children can't hold you accountable in the same way. You have all the power and no one is going to make you say that you're sorry. But it's such an important lesson for them and it helps them see that your relationship isn't just about power.

"Children raised in homes where accountability is the norm don't fear making mistakes. Instead of hiding their struggles, they trust they can come to you without shame," Raouda says.

Make quality time together a daily habit

In one of my favorite articles, The Myth of Quality Time, Frank Bruni argues that it is impossible to create quality time. You can't schedule a big heart-to-heart or map out exactly when and where you and your child will open up to each other and share a moment. These things happen naturally and organically to people who spend a large quantity of time together. Get used to actually spending time together and it will pay off down the road with stronger connection.

Let them be themselves without judgment

We've all heard of the dad who forces his kids to play sports because that's what he wants them to do, or the mom who makes her daughter follow in her gymnastics footsteps. As you can imagine, your children will be much more comfortable around you as adults if you encourage their uniqueness and support them as they follow their own paths.

"When kids grow up feeling accepted," Raouda writes, "they won't have to choose between being themselves and staying close to you.

Protect the relationship over being right


kids, parenting, parents, moms, hug, love, family, relationshipsIt's OK to admit when you're wrong. In fact, it's critical. Photo by Xavier Mouton Photographie on Unsplash

It's hard for adults to admit, but sometimes kids are right! You can probably bulldoze over them when they're young, but you're much better off allowing them to have a somewhat equal voice in your relationship. As Raouda says, "When kids know they can express themselves and still be loved and respected, they grow into adults who trust the relationship rather than fear it."

Other experts have written about this conundrum at length. One of the most counterintuitive pieces of advice is to not center your whole world around your children.

For all the effort that we want and need to pour into our relationships with out kids, it's ironically incredibly important that we have other things going on. After all, if we don't show them what a full life is supposed to look like, how are they supposed to create one?

Psychologist Henry Cloud writes: "A child needs to internalize a model of someone who has a life of her own. The parent whose life is centered around her children is influencing them to think that life is about either becoming a parent or being forever served by a parent. Let your child know you have interests and relationships that don’t involve her. Take trips without her. Show her that you take active responsibility in meeting your own needs and solving your own problems."

Unless, of course, you really do want them living at home and mooching off of you forever. But let's be real, that's probably not as great as it sounds.


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A 7-year-old asked to do more chores for the most adorable and heartbreaking reason

Dad figured "he wanted more Lego or something." Dad was wrong.

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Kids will act out in interesting ways when they want more attention.

Humans rarely say exactly what they mean or feel. With kids it's even moreso. They don't have the words and wisdom and experience to express the complicated emotions they might be feeling. So they reach out, or sometimes act out, in other ways.

Getting in trouble at school, not eating enough, throwing tantrums. Those are the tried-and-true classics. But sometimes kids show other, more unusual signs that they want or need something.

That might be what happened to one dad, who said his 7-year-old son recently came to him with a strange request: He wanted to do more chores.


kids, chores, cleaning, household, hygiene, parenting, dads, fatherhoodWhat kid would sign up for more chores?!Canva Photos

Yes, that's right, more chores. What kind of kid asks for more chores? The dad took his story to social media in a post on r/Daddit:

"I work a lot, and don't see my 3 kids that much during the week. I usually take them on fun amazing adventures on weekends in order to make up for it.

"Today my son said he wanted to do [chores[ to earn some money. I figured he wanted more Lego or something. He was talking to me more and he said he wanted to give me all the money he earns so I don't have to go to work anymore.

"It's really cute and heart melting, and also makes me feel like I'm a bad dad because him and his sisters don't get to spend enough time with me. Also I'm having trouble making him realize that all the money he gets from 'chores' comes out of what I make at work, so no matter how hard he works it would just make me go back to where I was beforehand."

It's so innocent and hilarious that the kid doesn't realize when he gets paid for doing chores, it comes from his dad's wallet, thus defeating the entire purpose. But it's a beautiful sentiment and the kind of thing that wrecks parents emotionally, both positively and negatively.

Fellow dads had a mixed, but emotional, response.

parenting, dads, fatherhood, men, mens health, mental health, kidsHow it feels to be a working parentGiphy

Some urged the original poster that his son was crying out for more attention, and that he'd regret not heeding the call:

"Id rather live just getting by and spending a ton of time with my toddlers, than working 60+ hours a week and never seeing them. Time is fleeting ... Take those 10 years and work a little less, come home early a couple days a week. Use your PTO. you'll regret missing their childhood."

"Obligatory Daddit-PSA: 'The only people who will remember you worked late are your children'"

"Here’s some tough love for you ... I don’t know your financial situation or occupation or even how many hours you work. Your kiddos basically throwing out a plead to spend more time with him, and probably the other 2 as well."

"Your son misses you. Hang out with him and your other kids, even if you're all doing chores together."

Others offered a supportive pat on the back for working hard to provide:

"That’s a punch in the gut. You’re not a bad dad just because you are working. (Unless you’re not spending time with them when you’re not working). Make sure he knows you love him and be grateful for his wanting to give you a gift. Then make some special time for him and try to give him regular, predictable amounts of your time."

"OP: You’re doing great - this means your kids want to spend time with you. My oldest had a sentiment like this after my wife was forced to stop working - she wanted to help."

"Hot take - but I think you’re killing it. He’ll see this very differently when he’s older, retrospectively. You’re doing what dads gotta do sometimes and getting bread. He’ll respect you for it."

There's a running theme of frustration among modern dads. We're trying to fill multiple roles, both the classic provider/protector role that our fathers and grandfathers played, but also a more nurturing and involved role in our children's lives.


fatherhood, men, dads, parenting, parenthood, children, kids, familyUnfortunately, modern fatherhood isn't all frolicking on the beach Photo by lauren lulu taylor on Unsplash

Dads are spending more time with their kids than ever, not content to sit on the sidelines for doctor's visits and playdates and day-to-day care. They're also working more than ever. Yes, technically working hours have been on a downward trend since the industrial revolution, but the data fails to account for lengthy commutes and the "always on" nature of many modern jobs. I don't know many parents who don't frequently catch up on work at night or respond to emails during family dinner time.

You don't have to have a Phd to see that the math doesn't math — there just aren't enough hours in the day to do it all.

For what it's worth, moms are facing a similar but even more extreme struggle. It's why parents are in big trouble according to the Surgeon General. Unfortunately, there's no easy answer. Dads like the original poster of this thread need to earn money and hold onto benefits like healthcare for their families. But their kids need them, too. For now, we're all just doing our best to try to do it all.

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Man reveals 'hack' to raising good men: give them the same values and rules as your daughters

Turning boys into upstanding men really could be this simple.

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Man makes argument to raise sons and daughters the same.

It's a universal consensus that raising kids is difficult no matter what corner of the globe you reside. It's partly difficult because they literally just got here and are learning how to human as they go, and partly because the reality is that you're raising these children to become adults. Preferably good, kind, ethical, functional adults. So, even if you have the easiest child in the world, there's still a lot of pressure to do a good job.

When you factor in a child's gender, parenting can get even trickier given society's influence on gender roles, "norms," and expectations. These things can unintentionally influence how parents interact with their children, and one man is calling out the hypocrisy by sharing how to raise boys to be good men. Mark, who goes by @Scarefacemark on social media, revealed his controversial opinion on how parents should raise their boys.

Often boys are permitted much more leeway while growing up than their girl counterparts. They tend to have fewer rules, or the rules are less strictly enforced. Girls are also given much more responsibility and an earlier age. For example, a boy may only be expected to clean his room and take out the trash while a girl may be expected to clean her room, clean the kitchen, help cook meals, clean the shared bathroom, etc.

parents, father and son, dad, boys, childhoodYou might say boys get to feel like kids for longer. Giphy

Mark makes the argument that if parents start raising their sons like they raise their daughters it would result in their sons growing up to be good men.

"I have an opinion that y'all might disagree with," Mark starts. "I feel like people need to raise their sons the same way they raise their daughters. I'm not talking about the sassy way. I'm talking about with the stuff y'all let them do. With the curfews right, a boy might have a later curfew than the girl or you might let your son bring a girlfriend over but you won't let your daughter bring her boyfriend over. You might tell your son to wear a condom but you tell your daughter don't sleep around at all when all in all you shouldn't tell your son to be sleeping [around] as well."

Mark says that this is something he notices more with fathers. While he does praise the way fathers raise their children, he shares that this is an area where there should be a change. He further explains, saying, "It's basically like you're telling your son that he can be an undisciplined kind of dude, meanwhile your daughter has to be the only disciplined one." He ends by hypothesizing that this the reason there are so many hypersexual young men out there.

 
 @scarfacemark ♬ original sound - Scarfacemark 
 
 

This message resonated with a lot of people. One woman, who goes by @Frankieaab stitched Mark's video to add her own thoughts on the issues raising boys differently than girls can lead to as they become adults. One thing she dives deeper into is her observation of the results of teaching girls to be chaste while encouraging (or excusing) boys' promiscuity and how it would change if they were raised like girls.

@frankieaab

Let’s stop with boys with the boys @Scarfacemark #greenscreenvideo #doublestandards #raisinglittleboys

"No one teaches little boys to have respect for their bodies and that's why so many men and young boys don't realize a lot of them have also been sexually assaulted," Frankie says before expanding on having heard men cheer on teen boys for much older women attracted to them. "So, if we gives the same rules and regulations to little boys and teach little boys that their bodies are also sacred, that their bodies should also be treated as a temple, so now you won't have little boys pressuring little girls into doing things that you told those little girls that they should not be doing."

hug, parent, boys and girls, boy, girls, raising kidsseason 1 hug GIF by NBCGiphy

Other people also agree with Mark's theory in the comments, with one person sharing, "People say it’s harder to raise girls, but that’s only because they’re actually raising them."

Another writes, "People let their son turn into the EXACT man they wouldn’t want their daughter to be with."

Someone else chimes in, "Giving sons more freedom than daughters is gone make them harbor resentment and go crazy when they get that freedom in retaliation to their fathers."

child, parent, play, dad, boys, girls, raising kidsFail Fathers Day GIF by America's Funniest Home VideosGiphy

"That parenting always will create rebellious daughters due to seeing how the sons can live a care free life," one person points out.

Many women in Mark's comment section point out that moms are just as guilty as dads for having different rules depending on the gender of their child. If children were raised with the same rules and expectations regardless of gender, would that impact societies expectations of women and men? Would it impact the equity in division of household labor for married couples or the expected mental load of moms? It's certainly something to consider, and based off of the comments and video responses, it's something that has been on the minds of parents currently raising children for some time now.

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