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Joy

Comedian humorously nails the reality of modern adult friendships

"Would I turn up at their house unannounced?"

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Getting together as adults can be…tricky.

When you're a kid, friendships just sort of happen. The kids in your neighborhood, school, place of worship, sports or other activities are the pool of kids you pull friends from, and friendship in childhood mostly revolves around sharing common interests and having fun playing together. As you move to the teen years, friendship becomes more about "hanging out" and bonding over emotional things, and then adulthood comes along and throws the whole concept of friendship all out of whack.

As you become entrenched in career and family and full-on-grown-up responsibilities, friendships can be harder to maintain, at least in the way we're used to. Time becomes a trickier commodity to manage, and what friendship looks like changes. That's not good or bad, it just…is.

via GIPHY

Comedian Jake Lambert hit the nail on the head with a bit about various realities of modern adult friendship, pointing to relatable friendship norms such as:

Not really knowing what your friend does for work:

"What's my best friend's job? Something to do with numbers…I once heard them use the phrase 'project manager.'"

"No, I don't know exactly what they do for work, but I do know about every single one of their colleagues, who they hate and who's sleeping with who."

What forms the basis of adult friendship:

"Are we friends because we like the same things? No, we're not children! We're friends because we hate the same things."

The reality of rarely getting together:

"Oh we hang out all the time. What is it now, September? Well the last time I saw them was…I wanna say June? But we talk every day. I mean, not on the phone, on WhatsApp. I mean, not on WhatsApp, but we send each other memes on Instagram. But we message properly as well. Like we'll message to say we need to catch up soon, and then we do catch up, within about two or three months."

Unannounced visits? No thanks. Unannounced phone calls? Also no.

"Would I turn up at their house unannounced? No, not unless I wanted to give them a panic attack and completely ruin their day. I mean, I wouldn't even call them without a text to warn them first. You know, that's real friendship."

via GIPHY

People totally related and added their own friendship realities to the mix in the comments:

"Say what you will but not talking to a person for months and picking up like you never stopped talking when you finally get together is a new level of friendship unlocked 🙌❤️🤣😂"

"Texting to warn them before calling is friendship!!!!!!!!!! It is!!!!!!💯"

"I wouldn’t even call them without a text to warn them first is my love language."

"Also, you have known each other for 10 years and have 3 photos together."

"The shame of how accurate this is 😂😂😂😂😂😂"

Adult friendships may be challenging to maintain fully, but they're still valuable and research shows that we may be missing out on some of their benefits. According to one analysis of data from the U.S. Census Bureau’s "American Time Use Survey" Americans are spending significantly less time with friends—and more time alone—than we did a decade ago. From 2014 to 2019, the time we spent with friends dropped by 37%. Then the pandemic hit, and we all know how that turned our social lives upside down. The most recent data, from 2021, showed even more of a drop in friend time, from a little over 4 hours a week in 2019 to a little less than 3 hours a week in 2021.

Spending time alone doesn't automatically mean feeling lonely—some people genuinely prefer to spend time by themselves—but humans are social creatures in general and research shows we are facing an epidemic of loneliness and isolation. A few reasons might be how increasingly online our lives have become, how anxious and exhausted many of us feel, and the connections that got disrupted during the pandemic. Whatever the reason, a whole lot of people are lonely these days.

via GIPHY

Nurturing friendships in-real-life could be a way to counter that. Focus on quality over quantity. You don't have to have a ton of close friends—focus on the ones you share similar values with and who bring out the best in you. Even if you don't have time to get together often, check in regularly with more than just a meme. Even a simple, "Hey, I'm thinking about you and wondering how you're doing," can go a long way. Scheduling get-togethers on a monthly basis (a first-Saturday-of-the-month set coffee date or something) can make it easier to see one another rather than always trying to coordinate schedules. Long-distance friendships can be trickier, but we do have loads of technology to communicate long-distance and don't underestimate those "We need to plan a get-together" messages. Acknowledging that you miss one another and want to see each other despite the difficulty of actually making it happen means something.

Friendships as adults may have some comical quirks, but they're still important to our well-being and life enrichment. Keep sending those memes and get together when you can. You'll rarely regret making the effort.

You can find more from Jake Lambert on his Instagram page here.

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Health

Feel free to turn down invitations, it hurts your friends a lot less than you think

New research is great news for people-pleasers.

via Tima Miroshnichenko/Pexels

New study shows it's ok to say no to an invite if you don't want to go.

There are many reasons why people feel uncomfortable turning down invites to social events. We crave connection, fear missing out on a good time and assume we’re hurting other people’s feelings by saying no. But sometimes, turning someone down is unavoidable, and saying yes to everything can lead to burnout.

There’s also the problem of attending things just because you feel obligated. Then, you wind up having a bad night when you could have stayed home and watched TV or read a book.

A recent study found that 77% of people confessed to accepting an invitation to an event they didn’t want to attend because they were nervous that they’d upset the person who invited them. The good news is that the same study found that people are a lot less bothered when we say no to them than we assume.

So now you can feel less guilty about avoiding social events you don’t want to attend whether it's a family function, work happy hour a birthday party for some kid that your child hardly knows.

A recent study published by the American Psychological Association experimented on over 2,00 participants to find out how people feel after being rejected.

Researchers discovered that when participants imagined refusing a friend's invitation, they often thought it would immediately harm their relationship. They believed their friend might feel upset, disappointed and hesitant to invite them again. Those who envisioned rejecting the invitation were more inclined to think their friend would dwell on the refusal rather than understanding the decision-making process behind it.

However, researchers found that wasn’t the case.

“Across our experiments, we consistently found that invitees overestimate the negative ramifications that arise in the eyes of inviters following an invitation decline,” Julian Givi, PhD, an assistant professor at West Virginia University, told the American Psychological Association. “People tend to exaggerate the degree to which the person who issued the invitation will focus on the act of the invitee declining the invitation as opposed to the thoughts that passed through their head before they declined.”

The researchers performed a similar study with couples and, once again, found that those who turned down the invite thought their partner would be more upset than they actually were.

​“While there have been times when I have felt a little upset with someone who declined an invitation, our research gives us quite a bit of good reason to predict people overestimate the negative ramifications for our relationships,” Givi said.

Givi also says people should feel okay about declining invitations when busy, to avoid psychological burnout.

“Burnout is a real thing, especially around the holidays when we are often invited to too many events,” he said. “Don't be afraid to turn down invitations here and there. But, keep in mind that spending time with others is how relationships develop, so don't decline every invitation.”

This study should be good news to all the people-pleasers out there who often go to social engagements because they don’t they don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. It’s also great news for those who feel a tremendous sense of guilt every time they turn down an invite.


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Joy

People share different thoughts on what makes someone a good friend

The responses show that we prioritize different things in our friendships.

Photo by Sam McNamara on Unsplash

Friendship is an important part of leading a fulfilling life.

According to an October 2023 Pew Research Center report, 61% of adults in the U.S. say that having close friends is an essential part of living a fulfilling life—a far higher percentage than those who say the same about being married (23%), having children (26%) or having a lot of money (24%). The research also found that having more friends is linked to being more satisfied with friendships in general. Approximately 81% of people with five or more close friends share they are "completely" or "very" satisfied with their friendships, while 65% of those with one to four close friends say the same.

But what does being satisfied with friendship even mean? What earns someone the label of "friend"? Or more importantly, what does it mean to be a good friend?

We asked our audience what makes someone a good friend, and the responses were interesting. Naturally, there were some common themes, but people also had some diverse ideas about what's important in a friendship.

Some people shared short, sweet lists of traits that are essential in a friendship:

"Caring, loyal, kind and completely non-judgemental." –Annika B.

"Trustworthy, loyal, supportive, flexible, patient, understanding. Caring." – Jonathan S.

"Kind, helpful, supportive and honest." – Marjorie M.

"Conversation and laughter. Kind and caring." – Kathleen M.

"Unconditional love, laughter, and honesty." – Molly H.

"When you are a better person with them than by yourself. And kindness ❤️" – Gillian N.

"They know how to really listen without judging." – Bernadette C.

two women sitting on a couch laughing

Friends laugh together.

Photo by Surface on Unsplash

Others offered a bit more detail:

"Being able to pick up where you left off even if some time has passed and it feels like no time has passed. Someone who will give you straight advice, but love you even if you don't follow it." – Melissa O.

"Someone you can talk honestly with, belly laugh with, but also just sit in silence with…knowing they just get you." – Lori T.

"Someone non judgemental who loves you even when you’ve struggled to love yourself. Someone who loves you unconditionally despite your flaws." – Sue H.

two people hugging

Friends comfort one another.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

"Kind, supportive, dependable, wants to spend time together, someone you can laugh and cry with. There on your important days, and in your time of need. And you have to be all those things for them in return." – Della D.

"They get you, allow you to be who you are, laugh with you, cry with you, no matter time or distance - you just pick up where you left off, they back you up - even when you’re not there to defend yourself." – Zan M.

"Honesty, kindness, understanding, ability to disagree without anger, trust, willing to tell each other hard truth with love, forgiveness." – Deborah H.

"They fill a need you have. There are many different kinds of friends. Childhood friends ,School friends, work friends, church friends etc...they all play a special role in your life." – Elizabeth B.

two women with their hands over each other's eyes

Friends don't judge.

Photo by Sam McNamara on Unsplash

And finally, some people offered specific details and personal anecdotes about their friendships:

"Sharing common interest and really caring about each other. listening is very important not just speaking to each other. My best friend of 60 years passed away a couple of years ago and I cannot tell you how much I miss her and her nonjudgmental friendship." – Carole J.

"Someone who supports you publicly and tells you hard truths privately, who cheerleads your successes and empathises your lows, who trusts you and you them. Who loves you flaws and all - but all of this you reciprocate in being a good friend. Time flies together and even after months apart you pick up like it was yesterday. Who you want to tell your big news too and your bad news too first." – Elsa P.

"Has great sense of humour, shared interests & values, compassionate, empathic, kind, doesn’t try to 'fix' me, doesn’t minimize my lived experiences as 'not so bad,' able to listen without judgment, and allows me to be there for them." – Linda H.

three older people walking arm in arm

Friends are there through thick and thin.

Photo by Philippe Leone on Unsplash

"I don’t know, sometimes they just love you, even when you don’t want them too. You have to acknowledge them, they don’t ask for anything just want to be with you. I have a 30 yr friendship because she didn’t give up on me. I came to realize she was more forgiving and accepted me for just me. She’s not too kind, sometimes selfish but she’s there, when you get older you also accept and understand no one is perfect and if you get mad at everyone you might wind up without friends we start dying off or in old age homes. We are who we are, just love each other flaws and all. Annoying things find a way to keep friendship, not awful bad things. You guys know what I mean." – Ney C.

"Someone who knows they can call you at 2 AM, and you can do the same. Someone you house and dog sit for, whose dogs come to greet you when they hear the garage door open and who happily sit on you. Someone that refused to let you pay for Lyft to get to chemotherapy appointments, but took you each time, checked on you afterwards, brought food knowing that you didn’t feel like cooking, visited to talk about all kinds of things, and just was there for you when you were feeling the considerable side effects of chemotherapy." – Yaca A.

We all need people in our lives we can depend on, share our joys and sorrows with, and support in return. And if we have a hard time making friends, we can always rely on the wisdom of preschoolers to remind us of the basic building blocks of friendship.

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Joy

People share the 16 signs that scream ‘your friend is in a bad marriage’

Here are the big red flags to look out for.

via Cottonbro studio/Pexels

A couple having a hard time with a therapist.

When you’re single, your best friend is often your wingman or wingwoman when you go out looking for a partner. They’re great at giving an honest take on whether someone is right for you or not.

They can also be an important sounding board for determining whether you’re in a healthy relationship. They know you and your spouse, so they can see it when things aren’t going right. Whether they are comfortable telling you or if you really want to know their honest opinion is another story.

A Reddit user named Anita recently asked the AskReddit online forum about the obvious signs that a friend is in a bad relationship or headed for a divorce. “What are some signs that your married friend doesn’t have a good marriage?” Anita asked, and the question received nearly 2,000 responses in just 3 days.

Evidently, there are a lot of dead giveaways that people in bad relationships broadcast out to the world.

​The major takeaway is people know their friends are stuck in a bad relationship or headed toward the end when the couple openly makes snide comments in front of each other at social engagements. Another big red flag is when one partner goes out of their way to avoid the other by working later, surrounding themselves with friends, or sleeping on the couch.

Here are 16 of the most prominent signs that scream “your married friend doesn’t have a good marriage.”

1.

"When my husband died, some friends admitted that they were a little jealous." — EmmyMcD

2.

"Never wants to go home, doesn’t like bringing their spouse as plus one, speaking poorly of spouse, future plans sound more 'I' than 'We,' and lack of excitement around the holidays." — Peaceatthebeach

3.

"An occasional joke at their expense is one thing. My wife and I do it, but you could really insert anyone's name in the joke. But when they criticize their SO for the same, personal thing nonstop, it starts to get telling. Like constantly telling everyone your wife is a shitty cook." — CaptainAwesome06

4.

"They continually complain about their spouse in front of others. Or disparage them." — Mahaloth

5.

"When they advise their single friends to stay single." — Deneenxo

6.

"Ummm, his wife came into the office one day and he introduced her to me as 'his future ex-wife' with a sly smile. Yeah, they're divorced now." — HibouWho

7.

"Look at their face when they get a cell phone call and see that it's from their spouse. Tells you everything." — No-Conclusion8653

8.

"Just... bickering. Passive-aggressive little digs and being generally annoyed with one another. It is WEIRD to me that so many couples I know just kinda pick at each other constantly. They just don't seem to enjoy each other's company at all." — Lizard Possum

9.

"I promise, when you learn this, you’ll see it everywhere and you’ll realize how f**ked up most people in relationships are. Contempt. The one thing to look for in bad relationships is contempt. This comes from Malcom Gladwell’s 'Blink,' where he talks about Dr. John Gottman’s work on relationships and marriage. I’m not going to say much on these two gentlemen’s qualifications, as I can’t really speak to them, but I can tell you that the takeaway has impacted my perspective and experience profoundly.

Gottman came to believe there are 4 horsemen of the apocalypse when it comes to marriage: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt—and contempt is the most powerful one. Contempt means more than just being annoyed with someone. It’s deeper than disrespect. It is complete disregard to the level of disgust for the other's attempt to be. Contempt means you feel yourself superior to your partner and feel no obligation to care about them. You’ll see it in these examples: a wife who won’t let her husband care for the children. A husband who insults his wife’s housework while redoing it. An eye roll behind their back. Passive aggression. Sarcasm. Jokes at their expense. Gottman’s research indicates that contempt can predict divorce with about 90% accuracy. This jibes with my experience." — PAdogooder

10.

"When one of them is out and their spouse does not stop calling them." — BansheeShriek

11.

"They flirt a lot. A lot of unhappily married people I know are quick to flirt with anyone who seems interested because they want to feel that spark again." — FlatulentDwarf

12.

"When their identity is the 'person who is mean to their spouse.' I was at a party this weekend and there was a woman who just bad-mouthed her husband and talked about how nice it was to be away from him and the kids for the night. That’s like her shtick…she talks about how her kids and husband are shitty. It’s such a gross personality, and it’s relatively common. It shouldn’t be common at all." — SpacemanPete

13.

"If they're plastering social media with how HAPPY they are, and they're SO IN LOVE, and THEY'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, that's a sure sign that things are in the process of going sideways." — wildlowerwolves

14.

"I’ve known two different couples that off and on fought a lot around me at certain points, which isn’t obviously a great sign. The fighting stopped, but what I realized after a while that may be worse is that they didn’t interact at all unless absolutely necessary. I’m mostly oblivious, so it took my wife pointing it out to notice that both of these couples never really talk to each other besides mandatory stuff like plans or the kids. No casual conversations, no eye contact, no touching each other; literally no interaction that’s not necessary for the family to function. I suppose it’s better than fighting in public, but it’s kind of weird once you notice it." — Non_Clever_User_Name

15.

"He games all day and the boys are always over. She sits in the bedroom and is on her phone all day. Because they are both so glued to the screens. I was the one that saw their daughter take her first steps (didn't even realize it until my buddy saw his daughter standing next to him and went nuts). But hey they have been together now almost for 10 years and still haven't broken up, but at the same time I wouldn't call that living." — RootlessForest

16.

"When they don’t care what the other person is doing or where they are. Basically, two people who live separate lives and live like roommates." — LucyInTheSky

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