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Identity

Interracial and intercultural couples share the biggest things they had to get used to

Love unites people across cultures, creating some unexpected but valuable learning experiences.

Interracial relationships can have unexpected learning opportunities.

Humanity in general has come a long way when it comes to interracial relationships. It used to be that interracial marriage was deemed wrong and even illegal in some U.S. states, but with the world continually shrinking due to transportation and technology advances, we increasingly see more interracial and intercultural relationships more often.

But the broad social embrace of cross-cultural love doesn’t mean it’s challenge-free. Norms, expectations and traditions can vary widely between people from different backgrounds, and sometimes those differences can create some surprising—and sometimes hilarious—misunderstandings. Interracial and intercultural relationships come with some specific challenges, but navigating those challenges successfully can help build unity and understanding between individuals, families and ultimately society.

A Reddit user asked, “Interracial couples of Reddit, what was the biggest difference you had to get used to?” and people shared stories that celebrate the unexpected elements of their partners' racial and cultural realities that they learned to adjust to.


The dishwasher that isn't used to wash dishes

“The dishwasher being used as a drying rack and not to actually wash dishes.”Lucky_Extent8765


“Dude wtf Latina girlfriend just dropped this bomb on me.

‘We don’t trust machines like that’

‘Ok but you just put our clothes in the washing machine and started it though…’”Worldly_Collection27


“Had a Latina friend who I was ‘talking to’ but never actually ended up dating, had her, her friend, and a couple of others over for dinner and her and her friend offered to help with the dishes, they ended up hand washing everything and drying it in the dishwasher. I told them the dishwasher works fine and they were like ‘we don't do that in South American families.’ "– Particular_Fan_3645

The intricacies of hair care

“I’m a white dude married to a black woman. I had no idea about the whole culture of hair upkeep for black women. How much it costs. How much time it takes. How much it’s a connection point for her and other women.

Interestingly, what was a bigger adjustment had nothing to do with race. I’m an only child and she is one of five so obviously the family dynamics are quite different.

Next month we will be married for 24 years so I guess it’s all good.”loudnate0701


“When I met my wife she had short straight hair and had been relaxing/straightening it pretty much her whole life. 6 years ago she decided she wanted to go natural and started to grow it out. She started getting it braided professionally and whenever she’d get new braids I’d basically have an entire weekend day to myself, it would take 8-10 hours. But eventually she wanted to do natural locs and wanted to do them herself. It was a challenge for a while but now her natural hair is down to her shoulders & locked. She washes her hair every 2-3 weeks and when she decides to do that it’s literally a 6 hour process between washing, re-twisting & drying.

But yeah, the time spent when she was getting it braided and the money spent on different products/bonnets was wild to me lol.”Zealousideal-Life868


“My story is how this could've gone awry:

We went on our first date and hit it way off. She had kind of a shorter bob thing going, relaxed/straightened. Super cute. Anyway, I ask her for a second date and she tells me she has a hair appointment that day. I go okay well, so how about after...if it's at noon, surely we can have dinner?

Long story short, I was butthurt thinking she was blowing me off with a cheap excuse because I was entirely unaware of getting her hair done means PTO at work. She, on the other hand, naturally never considered I wouldn't really know about that and was baffled and annoyed when I wrote her a slightly sulky "well it's fine I just thought we...bla bla" message.

We somehow ended up landing on mutual ground and after about a two hour conversation explaining the colossal undertaking that is getting braids laterI felt like a straight jackass 😅.

We're still together and happy and I've named her head scarf Toni.”NosferatuCalled

The social expectations at family gatherings

"An ex was Latina, and while there really weren't any "social" things that were new getting used to her family dynamic took some adjusting because they were very close and involved in each other's lives so it was normal for the weekends inevitable BBQ to be something I was expected to be present for if she was going, because otherwise 16+ people would grill her about me not coming." blahbabooey

"Yes! My husband is Dominican and I’m white and his family NEEDS me at every function, no matter what. Or when his mom calls, I can always hear her asking if I’m close by. And my husband is kinda like that too, he doesn’t wanna do anything without me and I’m more okay with being solo and staying home once in awhile."Both_Dust_8383

"Have ever tried refusing food? Or that one shot of tequila being passed around? How about that “one more dance”? Have you ever forgotten to say good bye to everyone individually at least twice before leaving? Cause it sounds like you’re me lol. Married 20 years to my wife though. It never changes."JnyBlkLabel

"I didn’t eat at my husband's grandma's house once (in the Dominican Republic) cuz there was no ac, it was summer, and I had just broken a rib 5 days before our trip. I was in bad pain and sooooooo hot, I could not eat!!! But did it break abuelas heart??? Absolutely. It was tough."Both_Dust_8383

When no means yes and you're supposed to keep asking

"I was born and raised in the Netherlands (I'm half Italian half Indonesian but did not grow up with those cultures at home except a little). My girlfriend is Persian.

In the Netherlands, or at least in my experience, when people say no to something, then they mean no. While apparently for persians it's seen as polite to decline at least the first offer, often also the second even if you actually really want.

So for example, If she would offer me a cookie and i'd say no, She would ask another 3 times before letting it go, which was cute but also annoying. Meanwhile when i offer her a cookie and she says no. I just quit asking and then she gets a little mad that i didn't ask her a couple of times more.

It's not like the biggest difference or anything but it's a cute, and in the beginning, a very confusing difference."LokMatrona

"Haha, we have the same thing in Ireland - if you’re offered food, drink, etc, you’re expected to say no the first couple of times. My mother in law thought her English nieces and nephews were ‘a bit forward’ because if she’s offer them a cup of tea they’d say ‘Yes please, that would be lovely.’" MichaSound

"My wife is Persian and I’m English. The craziest thing she told me is if you’re a guest in your host’s house and you compliment some object in their house, the rules of hospitality require them to offer it to you. So you may say, 'Wow I love that mirror!' and they will say 'Please, have it!' You will of course refuse, but they will vehemently insist that you take it. This back-and-forth can go on for some time (despite the ironic truth that you absolutely do not want to take it, and they absolutely do not want to give it to you)." th1sishappening

Learning about one another's popular culture

"My partner is from California, I'm from Singapore. I think the biggest difference is popular culture --- everything from your childhood tv shows, the iconic music of your teens, even your education system, is going to be different. You cannot expect your partner to know what Mr. Rogers is/have watched XYZ cartoon. All assumptions have to be thrown out of the window.

I think it's a good thing tbh, you start from zero. It makes you completely aware of how vast the world around you is, and I keep learning new things everyday. Just yesterday I learned that in California, there's a mascot called Smokey Bear that taught kids about forest fires. In turn, I told her about Singa the Courtesy Lion, which is a mascot to teach people courtesy/good manners. We had an entire discussion about mascots and teaching populations, and it was so fascinating. This happens so much that sometimes we can't stop talking to each other lol"kafetheresu

"Bit of that with my wife. She was born in China but moved to Canada from age 9 to 19, then back to China again. So there's some overlap for that middle period, but that early childhood stuff is very different. Was fun though when she met my brother's girlfriend from Ukraine and they bonded over having both watched the same old Soviet cartoons as kids."Cinquedea19

"I’m from Texas and my wife is from Nigeria. We also have this dynamic!! It’s pretty beautiful to learn about a whole other culture/way of life. One challenge is our families are across the world from each other."PositionLogical2342

Joy

X-rayed couples prove that love truly is blind

Love is blind, and it only takes a few creepy skeletons to prove it.

Photo from Ad Council/YouTube.

An audience watches an X-ray screen showing skeletons in love.

In this video from the Ad Council, they brilliantly use an X-ray screen to show couples as skeletons in love, but it's when they reveal the true identities of the people that they really pull at the old heartstrings.

Apparently love really is blind, and it only takes a few creepy bone people to prove it.


Watch the video below:

This article originally appeared on 03.04.15

Image from YouTube video.

This is Ernestine Johnson.

Sometimes what people may consider to be a compliment is actually horribly offensive.

This is one of those times.


An incredible woman has the perfect response for someone who says, "You speak so well ... for a black girl."

black, inequality, offensive language

How would he react?

assets.rebelmouse.io

black in America, Arsenio Hall, artist

Ernestine claims to be an average black girl.

assets.rebelmouse.io

But that's not all. Ernestine Johnson is just getting warmed up. She has plenty more to say about what speaking, looking, and acting like an average black girl really means.

And nope, this isn't another lesson in political correctness; it's more about common sense.

She clearly explains it all 42 seconds in the video below:

Oh, and my favorite quote that I'm taking and framing?

This one.

"See, the average black girl that I know, the average black girl that I know were Egyptian queens like Hatshepsut and Nitocris who were ruling dynasties and whole armies of men, excuse me while I set fire to this poem on my pen because I am tired. Tired of the stereotypes black girls have fallen into because of American mentality. Oh, but not half as tired as Ella Baker, Diane Nash, Septima Poinsette-Clark. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, Miss Fannie Lou Hamer, Daisy Bates, Anna Arnold Hedgeman, and Dorothy Height are far more tired than I am." — Ernestine Johnson


This article originally appeared on 01.28.15

Joy

Mom wanted her son to see toys that looked like him. Fisher-Price delivered.

"If you ever decided to design a Little Person with brown skin and red hair, please let us know."

Courtesy of Niki Coffman

Fisher-Price creates new toy to look like a young customer.

When kids look around at television shows or toys on the shelves, they instinctively look to see if there's someone that looks like them. It's a natural desire to want to see yourself represented in different areas of life, and for kids, play is life. Mom Niki Coffman knew that, so she decided to go out on a limb and write to Fisher-Price to gently hint at a favor.

Coffman has a 5-year-old son named Archer, whom she adopted as an infant. The mom explained to Today.com that her family is white and her son goes to a predominantly white school, so there was very little representation of Black people, let alone Black people with red hair, like Archer.

"The thing is, if you feel like, 'you should just be grateful to have a toy,' it's probably because your toys did look like you. It's probably because my princesses did look like me, and once you know someone it matters to who doesn't have that, how could it not matter to you?" Coffman told Upworthy. "Archer identifies with all the toys with brown skin, but to have something that looks like him so that he sees himself in the world, it's not just about a toy. It's really about the rest of the world seeing you, too."

So Coffman went on a mission to make sure her son felt represented in the world around him, even going as far as asking for donations of diverse books and dolls to be sent to the school.


The Coffman Family

Courtesy of Niki Coffman

Coffman explained to Upworthy that they knew going into the adoption that they would have to do everything they could to make sure Archer felt represented in a white household. They stay in close contact with Archer's first mom and his younger sister, and Coffman emphasizes that while the pre-schooler is living with her, she doesn't think "its better than if he got to be with her [his first mom]."

The family has hard conversations about how unfair it is for Archer not to have been able to live with his first mom. But, Coffman doesn't shy away from acknowledging his emotions and tackling the disparity of diversity in her community for her son. In fact, the mom told Upworthy that she first began writing letters to companies when Archer was just a year old, and while most don't respond at all, some have told her they're going to work to do better.

Framable letter from Fisher-Price

Courtesy of Niki Coffman

But after seeing how inclusive Fisher-Price Little People are, Coffman decided to write the company a thank you letter. She explained the family's predicament and her love for how diverse the Little People collection was.

"It hasn't always been the easiest thing to find toys & books that reflect the incredible diversity of the world we live in," Coffman wrote. "But man, oh, man do your current Little People offerings deliver on that diversity. We were so thrilled to find Black firefighters and doctors, girls with braids & and teacher with locs."

The mom continued her letter by explaining how important it was for non-white kids to see themselves represented. As her praise of the company's diverse dolls continued, she threw in a tiny request.

"'If you ever decided to design a Little Person with brown skin and red hair, please let us know,'" Coffman told Today.com about her P.S. at the end of her letter.

To the mom's surprise, she received a reply from Gary Weber, the Vice President of Design at Fisher-Price. He told Coffman that he shared the story with everyone that works on Little People.

"You and Archer have inspired us! We know that when kids play with Little People they are playing out scenarios they see in the world around them, and feeling like they are a part of that world is critical," Weber wrote.

Archer holding Little People "Archer"

Courtesy of Niki Coffman

The VP ended the letter by asking for the family's address, and shortly thereafter, a surprise for Archer arrived on their doorstep. Little People that looked just like the red-headed 5-year-old wearing a perfect replica of one of Archer's outfits. The gift even came with a colorful letter with a picture of the boy inside that was signed by the entire Little People team.

"I immediately burst into tears," Coffman told Upworthy. "He has shown every single person we know. He carries it in his pocket, his little person, so he can show everyone that it looks just like him."

"By having a toy that looked like him, he was really seen and that's what was so moving about this gesture from Fisher-Price is that they really saw him," she continued.

"There’s truly so much goodness in the world, and Gary, Dafna, and their entire team are that goodness personified," the mom wrote on Facebook.

Maybe one day those dolls will make their way into stores so other kids can have their very own Archer figurine.