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Hey There, Person Who Doesn't Think You're A Feminist. You Probably Actually Are.
A tale of growth and self discovery. Spoiler alert: It ends with ... a feminist!
12.01.13
Internet
Relationship expert tells people to never get married unless you're willing to do 3 things
"If you and your partner (both) are unable or unwilling to do these 3 things consistently forever, you won’t make it."
02.03.23
Relationship expert gives people advice on getting married.
Being in a relationship can be difficult at times. Learning someone else's quirks, boundaries, and deep views on the world can be eye-opening and hard. But usually, the happy chemicals released in our brain when we love someone can cause us to overlook things in order to keep the peace.
Jayson Gaddis, a relationship expert, took to Twitter to rip off people's rose-colored glasses and tell them to forego marriage. Honestly, with the divorce rate in this country being as high as it is, he probably could've stopped his tweet right there. Don't get married, the end. Many people would've probably related and not questioned the bold statement, but thankfully he followed up with three things you must be willing to do before going to the chapel.
Before going into his reasons for why he tells people not to get married, Gaddis explained that he is a person that "LOVEs being married." I mean, it would probably make him a pretty weird relationship expert if he hated relationships, so it's probably a good thing he enjoys being married. Surely his spouse appreciates his stance as well.
So why does he tell unsuspecting people not to get married? "Because a long-term partnership might be one of the hardest paths out there. It will confront everything about you and your partner. Your relationship skills will be tested. And all your unresolved childhood trauma will come to the surface," Gaddis wrote.
Unresolved childhood trauma can become a major problem in relationships because oftentimes our trauma is present in how we react to conflict or relationship strain. According to Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, childhood trauma manifests in relationships in multiple ways including fear of abandonment, being easily irritated, constantly arguing or avoiding conflict at all costs.
\u201cNever, ever get married. Unless you are willing to do these 3 things.\u201d— Jayson Gaddis (@Jayson Gaddis) 1675182104
It's not unwise to tuck that bit of information in your pocket if you're thinking about a long-term relationship, and Gaddis bringing this to the forefront will certainly benefit someone. That's not to say you can't be in a relationship if you have trauma; Gaddis is simply suggesting that you be aware of your traumas and how they may show up in the course of a relationship.
He then went on to get into his actual list of things couples should be willing to do before they get married in order to have a successful marriage.
"Learn. Learn about you, learn about them. Never stop learning about yourself and each other in the context of your relationship," he wrote, which falls right in line with his pre-numbered suggestions.
Now, the second suggestion may have people quickly raising an eyebrow, especially if they don't like conflict. Gaddis suggested embracing "conflict, adversity and challenges" and getting "very very good at repairing it and working it through 100% of the time."
\u201cSomething about long-term partnership invites us to face everything unloved and unprocessed in our psychology, neurobiology, and mammalian wiring. It is, at its core, a spiritual path.\u201d— Jayson Gaddis (@Jayson Gaddis) 1675182104
That's a good one. Conflict resolution is a skill and committing to sharpening it and using it every single time could save some relationships. The third may help preemptively alleviate some unforeseen power struggles and I'm here for it.
"Share leadership and collaborate. Being teammates about everything and sharing the load together is crucial. Be honest about how hard it is to share leadership and get better at it," Gaddis tweeted before elaborating further in the thread.
The author and relationship expert bluntly stated that if both people can't agree to do those three suggestions, then the couple would not survive. Gaddis rounded out the Twitter thread by explaining that unless you're ready to work on yourself and commit to the three things listed, you should stay single.
Ouch. Harsh words, but it's better to come from a behavior and relationship expert than anyone else.
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Pop Culture
How two brothers’ attempts to eliminate food waste resulted in the beloved tater tot
The kids' staple was an afterthought.
02.03.23
Tater Tots, fresh out of the oven.
It’s hard to imagine growing up in America without Tater Tots. They are one of the most popular kiddie foods, right up there with chicken nuggets, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and macaroni and cheese. The funny thing is the only reason Tater Tots exist is that their creators needed something to do with leftover food waste.
The Tater Tot is the brainchild of two Mormon brothers, F. Nephi and Golden Grigg, who started a factory on the Oregon-Idaho border that they appropriately named Ore-Ida. The brothers started the factory in 1951 after being convinced that frozen foods were the next big thing.
According to Eater, between 1945 and 1946, Americans bought 800 million pounds of frozen food.
The brothers soon became the country's top producers of frozen corn, but their cash cow was frozen french fries. The problem with french fries was that separating the part of the potato used for the fry from the rest of the scraps took a lot of work. But that was fixed after a door-to-door salesman sold them on using a prune sorter.
Ore-Ida founder Nephi Grigg.
via Mormon Wiki
Not wanting to waste all the leftover potatoes, the brothers fed the scraps to their cattle but had to stop when all the starch made the livestock too big. The brothers decided they could try to sell the potato scraps by pressing them into a new shape.
To make their new culinary creation, they chopped the potatoes into bits, extruded them into logs, blanched them and coated them in oil so they wouldn’t stick in the bag. The brothers held a contest among their employees and friends to create a name. The winning name, Tater Tots, was the idea of Clora Lay Orton, who took the slang name for potatoes and added an alliterative term referring to their size, and a staple of the American diet was born.
An Ore-Ida Tater Tots truck.
Tater Tots arrived in supermarkets in 1956, but they weren’t very popular initially because customers assumed they were worthless because of the low price. After Ore-Ida raised the price, the perceived value of the Tot rose and they were a hit. Initially, the brothers thought that people would fry Tater Tots in oil, but soon learned that they tasted just as good coming out of the oven.
Ore-Ida trademarked the name Tater Tots, so other companies sell them under another name, such as Tater Treats and Tater Puffs.
By 1964, Ore-Ida was making $31 million annually, but after complaints of nepotism within the company, the Grigg brothers sold it to Heinz for $30 million the following year.
These days, Tater Tots aren’t just for kids. They’ve become a popular dish in upscale restaurants, whether fancied up as Duck Poutine Tots at Sandpiper at Hard Rock Hotel & Casino Atlantic City, Tuna & Tots at Cabra in Los Angeles, or as Kaluga Caviar and Tots at Ernest in San Francisco.
The Tater Tot was once an afterthought but has grown to be a food staple in the U.S. If there’s a lesson in the story, it goes to show that what some people may see as meaningless waste, others may see as an opportunity.
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Pop Culture
10 years ago, a 'Stairway to Heaven' performance brought Led Zeppelin's surviving members to tears
Heart, John Bonham's son and a full choir came together for the epic tribute.
02.03.23
Led Zeppelin got to see their iconic hit performed for them.
When Billboard and Rolling Stone pull together their "Best Songs of All Time" lists, there are some tunes you know for sure will be included. Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" is most definitely one of them.
It has everything—the beauty of a ballad, the grunginess of a rock song, the simple solo voice, and the band in full force. "Stairway to Heaven" takes us on a musical journey, and even people who aren't necessarily giant Led Zeppelin or classic rock fans can't help but nod or sing along to it.
Of course, it's also been so ubiquitous (or overplayed, as some would claim) to become a meme among musicians. Signs saying "No Stairway to Heaven" in guitar stores point to how sick of the song many guitarists get, and when Oregon radio station KBOO told listeners they would never play the song again if someone pledged $10,000, Led Zepelin singer Robert Plant himself called in and gave the donation.
Musicians can often tire of performing their songs over and over again, but it's a different story when someone else puts their spin on it. And at a Led Zeppelin tribute concert at the Kennedy Center on Dec. 2, 2012, rock legends Heart and the son of John Bonham, Led Zeppelin's original drummer who passed away in 1980 at age 32, performed a rendition of "Stairway to Heaven" that brought the surviving members of the band to their feet—and to tears.
It helps that Heart's Ann Wilson had been a huge fan of the song since she was 19 and that her voice has a similar quality to Plant's. But what makes this performance so epic is the contrast between its simple beginnings and huge, full climax with an orchestra and full choir wearing bowler hats (a touching shout out to Bonham, who famously wore one) behind the band.
It's quite a ride to see the audience grow more and more excited as the song builds and to see Robert Plant, Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones clearly awed at their own music being performed with such excellence. As one commenter quipped, "I think this is the first time Led Zeppelin was feeling what people felt listening to them all their lives."
It's definitely worth a watch. Enjoy:
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Family
Developmental scientist shared her 'anti-parenting advice' and parents are relieved
In a viral Twitter thread, Dorsa Amir addresses the "extreme pressure put on parents in the West."
02.03.23
Parents, maybe give yourselves a break
For every grain of sand on all the world’s beaches, for every star in the known universe…there is a piece well intentioned, but possibly stress-inducing parenting advice.
Whether it’s the astounding amount of hidden dangers that parents might be unwittingly exposing their child to, or the myriad ways they might be missing on maximizing every moment of interaction, the internet is teeming with so much information that it can be impossible for parents to feel like they’re doing enough to protect and nurture their kids.
However, developmental scientist and mom Dorsa Amir has a bit of “anti-parenting advice” that help parents worry a little less about how they’re measuring up.
First and foremost—not everything has to be a learning opportunity. Honestly, this wisdom also applies to adults who feel the need to be consistently productive…raises hand while doing taxes and listening to a podcast on personal development…“Not everything has to be ‘educational.’” wrote Amir. “It's truly completely okay (& indeed, good) for kids to play for the sake of play. They don't have to be learning the alphabet or animal noises. They can just do whatever silly thing they want to do. They are ALWAYS learning!.”
Amir also encouraged parents to remove the pressure to be constant teachers, offering the reminder that “direct instruction” is actually quite rare, and that kids are “extremely good” at learning through observation.
First: not everything has to be "educational". It's truly completely okay (& indeed, good) for kids to play for the sake of play. They don't have to be learning the alphabet or animal noises. They can just do whatever silly thing they want to do. They are ALWAYS learning! 2/
— Dorsa Amir (@DorsaAmir) January 16, 2023
This hands-off approach can be good for parents who also might feel they should provide neverending entertainment. According to Amir, “kids should be allowed to experience boredom.”
“It's part of the human experience & it's okay if they're bored. You do not have to feel obligated to constantly entertain them or provide new activities for them. They should be allowed to generate their own activities & ideas,” she wrote.
Similarly, Amir stated that kids should experience arguments, disagreements, negative emotions and general conflict. Instead of “getting involved” to prevent these uncomfortable situations from happening, she suggests letting kids practice resolving and processing on their own.
More generally, negative emotions are not bad & it's good for kids to experience what they feel like & learn how to process them. A childhood that's entirely carefree & completely devoid of emotional challenges is NOT the goal. It's good to experience all of life's nuances. 7/
— Dorsa Amir (@DorsaAmir) January 16, 2023
Amir then gave full on permission to simply be the “boring” parent. Not the “zany cartoonish friend.” Not the supplier of “600 toys.” Not someone whose schedule “revolves 100% around your child’s preferences.” In fact, she noted that kids actually enjoy “mimicking” adults, so it’s completely okay to have them do household chores, play with “adult-utilized” objects instead of dolls or action figures and do “adult-centered” activities like grocery shopping.
Ultimately, Amir’s goal was not to bash any particular way of parenting, but rather to encourage parents—especially confused first time parents—to give themselves a break. “There are a million different ways to be human and they’re all valid,” she wrote.
Please give yourself some patience & grace, especially if you're a first-time parent. Even with a literal PhD & over a decade of research experience on these topics, I still struggle to not let the pressure get to me. It's a LOT. So, I hope this has helped, just a tiny bit. 15/15
— Dorsa Amir (@DorsaAmir) January 16, 2023
This anti-advice clearly struck a chord with parents who have indeed felt pressure.
“Loved this thread, thank you. I spend a lot of time worrying I’m a bad parent - are my kids spoilt? Are they sad? Am I overprotective? Is letting them walk alone to school dangerous? Have they eaten enough? Have they eaten too much Etc etc..,” wrote one person.
Another added: “Thanks for this!! The pressure in the US to be my toddler's entertainment 24/7 and to buy the best organic and educational everything marketed by influencers is absolutely bonkers.”
“Incredible thread. Those of us on the fence on becoming parents get overwhelmed with the frankly absurd expectations that modern parenting appears to require.…a post like this gives me hope!” commented one person, noting how intimidating these societal expectations could be for those who are still figuring out whether or not they want to start a family.
As Amir said—at the end of the day, we’re all human. Part of being human means making mistakes and allowing for imperfection. That goes for parents too.
You can check out the full thread here.
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Health
Eye-opening video shows why being a dangerous driver is a tell-tale sign of narcissism
It's a red flag you can spot early in a relationship.
02.03.23
A guy with road rage screaming out of his car.
A psychologist who’s an expert in narcissism has released a telling video that reveals one of the red flags of the disorder, being an erratic driver.
"Most people, when they tell the story backwards of a narcissistic relationship, are able to see the red flags very clearly,” Dr. Ramani said in her video. “However, seeing them forwards isn't hard. But if you see them too late, it means you've already been through the narcissistic relationship, you're devastated and have likely wasted a lot of time."
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University and author of several books, including “Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist.”
Dr. Ramani is exposing these red flags because narcissists are challenging romantic partners, coworkers and friends because they have difficulty empathizing with other people’s feelings.
She describes dangerous drivers as those who weave through traffic, cut people off and aggressively flash their lights and honk their horns. They are “road-ragers” with “short fuses” who try to drive people off the road.
In the video, the psychologist explains that dangerous driving “encompasses everything that is narcissism.” Dangerous drivers lack empathy for other people's safety and are entitled, arrogant, impatient and validation-seeking.
"One word of advice: Do not ever engage with these drivers," she said. "When dysregulated, it's a very dangerous personality style."
Disclaimer:This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for clinical care.
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Joy
Man hailed 'Highway Hero' for running across four lanes of traffic to help an unconscious driver
Talk about acting quickly!
02.03.23
www.youtube.com
Man hailed 'Highway Hero' for running across four lanes of traffic
Holy cow, Bat Man! You're always supposed to be aware of other vehicles when you're driving but what do you do when you notice someone has lost consciousness while speeding down the highway?
It's a scenario that no one wants to see play out, but for Adolfo Molina, the scenario became reality and he didn't hesitate to spring into action. Molina was driving down the highway when he spotted a woman in a blue car who lost consciousness as her car careened down the shoulder of the highway. The concerned driver quickly pulled over in order to attempt to rescue the woman.
But there was a problem, he had to cross four lanes of traffic on the highway just to make it to the woman's still moving car. That obstacle didn't stop him. Molina sprinted across the highway, crossing right in front of a black pick up truck before running at full speed to attempt to open the woman's door and stop her car.
"I realized that the woman was unconscious and dizzy, colliding with the wall, with the window," Molina told NBC, "it was something like God protected me in that moment." The fact that he made it across four lanes of traffic and continued to run next to a speeding car without getting himself hurt is a miracle in itself. But the true feat was that with the assistance of another driver, Molina was able to get the car stopped.
The hero told NBC that he hopes to meet the woman he helped save one day. Molina was honored by his mayor and the Dominican Consulate in Boston for his heroic actions.
Watch the heart pounding video below:
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