Taking time off after having a baby is full of paradoxes. It can be strange, and a little boring and monotonous. It's jarring, especially for a busy career-oriented person, to suddenly be at home all the time doing laundry, dishes, and taking the occasional stroller walk. There's a part of you that gets restless and can't wait for it to be over. And that's why it's weird when dread kicks in the moment you realize your leave is almost up.
For many mothers, it can be hard to let go of that time with your baby — time you never really get back. Or, in some cases, babies.
One new mom of twins recently discussed the complicated emotions she was feeling on her very last day of maternity leave.
Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash
TikTok user Marissa Jeanne couldn't hold back her tears as she held her babies and tried to describe the emotional toll she was facing on the eve of her return to work.
“Today is my last day of maternity leave, and I go back to work tomorrow. And I just feel like I haven't had enough time with them," she began bluntly.
“I know I got longer than a lot of women get with three months, but I just don't feel ready physically and mentally. I feel like there's so much that you think that you are going to do on maternity leave. I think you're going to accomplish so many things and do so many things with your babies. And then here I am at the end and I'm like, ‘I didn't do any of that,' but I feel like I did do a lot of this and that's one of the most important things,” she says of cuddling her sleeping babies.
“I think the hardest part is it's just like such an abrupt change that you're with your babies all the time, and then you pick them up from daycare and you might just get a few hours with them. So that's just such an abrupt change, and it's really hard.”
Moms often get pigeonholed once their babies come into the world. People assure them that their priorities will shift and they'll probably stop caring about their career (a bias sometimes called the 'maternal wall' that causes all kinds of problems when it comes to hindering moms in their work). Marissa perfectly explained how it's possible, and quite common, to want both things at once — even if it's hard.
“I also love my career. I am proud of what I do, but there's always that mom guilt of you're not giving enough time to your kids, but you can't do it all. You can't give 100% to everything. I think that's something important to remember,” she says.
“I just feel so honored to be their mom and to have gotten the past three months with them. So I'm really grateful for that. For all the working moms out there, you're amazing. Yeah, you can't do it all, but you're doing the best that you can for your kids and that's all that matters.”
Watch the whole video from Marissa's TikTok here:
@marissa_jeanneLast day of maternity leave and I am a mess. There’s nothing that prepares you for this day in your postpartum journey. #maternityleave #maternityleaveover #postpartumjourney #pospartum #3monthspostpartum #backtowork #workingmom #workingmoms #workingmomstruggles #twinmom
People in the comments were quick to point out: It doesn't have to be this way.
"Maternity leave in the US is way too short," one user wrote.
"Our instincts want us to say with the babies," said another.
"This breaks my heart! It's so unnatural for a mom to be separated from her tiny babies," added another user.
One person noted that since Marissa had twins, she should technically get double the time off. Hard to argue that one!
Other users were quick to share examples of how parental leave in other countries puts the US to shame.
In Germany, parents can take up to three years of leave without losing their jobs! It's unpaid, but parents may apply for an allowance from the government during that time, even if they had no prior income.
In Romania, parents are entitled to 126 days of leave at 85% of their prior pay.
Maternity leave in the UK can be up to a whopping 52 weeks, with 39 of those weeks being paid (starting at 90% of their average earnings and decreasing after 6 weeks). Canada? 15 weeks of paid leave (at only 55% pay, but still!) and an additional unpaid 35 weeks after that.
When you list it out like that, 3 months of unpaid leave is absolutely pathetic. But as Marissa's reaction points out, it's not just the pay.
First, there's the physical toll. Recovering from giving birth could take 6-8 weeks at a minimum, but probably much, much longer. So we're sending moms back to work when they've just barely gotten back on their feet.
And then, even worse, there's the emotional. When your babies are just a few weeks old, you're still deep in the bonding phase, and it's unimaginably jarring to have to cut it so short and drop them off at daycare so you can go back to work so soon. Plus, about 15% of moms will have postpartum depression, which can last for several years. And a whopping 85% will deal with the "baby blues" — hormonal fluctuations that occur after giving birth for several weeks and cause anxiety, crying, and temporary depression.
Most people would agree that 3 months is just really fast to be separated from brand new babies.
It's just sad that moms who work don't get a choice. If you're not ready to go back in 3 months, there's no guarantee that you could extend your leave and keep your job. Even if your family could handle the financial strain of a longer unpaid leave period, it's just not an option for most people. It makes new parents feel cornered and scared, and frustrated by a system that's setting them up to fail.
Luckily, things are steadily getting a little bit better, with more states adopting paid leave policies and more individual employers getting on board. Let's keep the momentum going, because we've got a long way to go.
Before you click 'send' on anything else, read this comic. It's important.
Everyone seems to be clicking "send" a bit too early nowadays.
We officially live in a world where internet trigger-happy world leaders can send massive populations into a devolved tail spin with erratic tweets, posts, and subsequent responses. These posts can have far-reaching consequences, and in the haste to respond in kind we've forgotten that we've normalized this kind of attitude.
Boulet is a French comic artist who has been writing about this for 15 years.
Originally he started writing an autobiographical series, but when he realized how accessible it was to his readers, he decided to make it fictional. "So it's mostly 'drawn stand up comedy,'" he explains. "I'm the main character, but in the same way comedians are there own character when they are on stage. The purpose is not really to talk about me but about situations of everyday's life everyone can relate to."
In his words, "The comic (below) was an anecdote about a Facebook mistake, I had basically two choices: Use it as a Facebook status to make my friends laugh or try to dramatize the whole process into an internal crisis to make it a story."
Comic by Bouletcorp, where it originally appeared. Used here with permission.
That "internal crisis" is something Boulet is very interested in.
Boulet enjoys using the accessible medium of cartoons as a way to explore complex issues. He loves learning about and studying consciousness and neuroscience. His fans enjoy this.
"There were fun discussions in the comments about how the brain works ... the very idea that we have a parallel process that can interfere, overlap or get in conflict is actually a thing. What I found most intriguing about this story was to literally feel my hand freeze BEFORE I could put an explanation on the WHY it froze."
He also had a great suggestion as to figuring out the motivations behind certain posts. "We should always go on social networks with EEGs on. We would learn a lot."
After what we've seen on social media over the last few years, it's hard to disagree.