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A letter to my able-bodied partner.

Dear able-bodied partner,

At your predecessor’s apartment, I always took my shoes off as soon as I walked in. It wasn’t a house rule, but an effort to speed things along. My orthotics make shoe removal a complex procedure involving clasps, straps, and — much less sexy — a foam pad that looks like a Pringle. (If you don’t flinch at the Pringle, you’re a keeper.) It’s a clumsy detour to take once you’re making out so, as usual, I thought ahead.

That’s a habit cerebral palsy forced me to form.

The ultimate mood-setter. Photo via iStock.

One night, I forgot until we were already in her room. She waited on the bed while I sat on the floor to unlace my sneakers, and I’d just pulled the left Pringle free when I heard, "Um … do you need help?"

We need to talk about that question, and all the ones like it that I imagine you have.

What if you say the wrong thing? Do you acknowledge my disability right away or not at all? Should you just ask? Is that weird? How much are you responsible for? And where is it OK to touch me? Should you even want to? What does it mean if you do? Or if you don’t?

Do you need help? Thought so.

There are expectations for couples like us. Namely, that I will be grateful, that you will protect me, and — most importantly — that we will "overcome disability" together because that is what love looks like. No one says as much outright, but they reinforce it in smaller, sneakier ways. I can guarantee, for example, that you will earn praise for being with me. The truly bold (usually strangers or well-meaning relatives) will actually tell you how "nice" it is that you’re dating "someone like her." But more often, your friend will get too honest one night, admit "I don’t know if I could do that," and then ask you "what it’s like."

Someone will admit, "I don't know if I could do that." Photo via iStock.

Your panicked questions, the constant pressure, and those backhanded compliments all imply that my disability is a problem I need you to solve. That’s kind of the only language we have for when able-bodied and disabled people get together. And I, for one, am pretty bored of it. So let me offer an alternative:

I don’t need you to save me. I need you to see me.

Notice what I did not say just now. I didn’t ask you to "see me, not my disability" or to "see past cerebral palsy."

Lots of people are on the "see past" bandwagon, and I understand why. Being disabled can feel like not even having a shot at independence, connection, or being taken seriously, so of course there’s an impulse to distance yourself. That’s what happens when the world caters to somebody else. But personally, I don’t want you to separate cerebral palsy from who I am. Because (you ready for this?) it is who I am. I don’t even know how it’s possible to "see past" something so fully baked into my experience. Instead, I need you to work a little harder and understand disability as part of my value rather than a caveat on it.

What does that look like? The best answer I have is that it looks like letting go. Instead of putting my disability in a vice grip, accept that it takes up space. Don’t try to defeat it; that is neither possible nor your job. Reconsider the assumption that I don’t want it and that you shouldn’t either. Because if you want me, you want it, too. There is no me without it. The fact is that vilifying cerebral palsy doesn’t make it count less. So acknowledge that it matters, and that’s not a bad thing.

Instead of putting my disability in a vice grip, accept that it takes up space. Don’t try to defeat it.

On a practical level: Maybe don’t ask if I need help with something I’ve been doing without you for 27 years. Trust that if I want help, I will say so. I’ll tell you right now: You will need to carry the drinks to our table, offer your arm when the stairs have no railing, and hold my hand through at least one major medical event. If you want to be the hero, there’s how. Otherwise, though, back off and listen. Give my body the room and time it needs. (It’s been through some things.) Find a better compliment than "you’re not like most disabled people." When you tell your friends, resist the urge to clarify that I can walk. And most of all (this is the hard one), let me fail.

No one likes to see disabled people struggle. I think it’s just too much, like watching a turtle get stuck on its back.

But when you respect someone, you let them make mistakes in front of you.

Photo via iStock.

You let them try things you’re not sure will work — or that you’re sure won’t. You let them drop the defenses, screw up, and speak honestly. And that, more than any kind of help, is what I need from you.

That, to me, is what love looks like. Respect.

I don’t want to take my shoes off first thing anymore. I don’t want to apologize for my body or downplay its uniqueness. I don’t want to worry about whether or not you are afraid. I want to be all of myself. And I don’t want you to "love me anyway."

I want you to love me because.

Mental Health

Motivation expert explains how two simple words can free you from taking things personally

You don't need to take responsibility for everything and everyone.

via TEDx SF/Flickr and TEDx SF/Flickr

Mel Robbins making a TED Talk.

Towards the end of The Beatles’ illustrious but brief career, Paul McCartney wrote “Let it Be,” a song about finding peace by letting events take their natural course. It was a sentiment that seemed to mirror the feeling of resignation the band had with its imminent demise.

The bittersweet song has had an appeal that has lasted generations, and that may be because it reflects an essential psychological concept: the locus of control. “It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control,” Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, told The Huffington Post. “We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”

This idea of giving up control (or the illusion of it) when it does us no good was perfectly distilled into two words that everyone can understand: "Let Them." This is officially known as the “Let Them” theory. Podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins explained this theory perfectly in a vial Instagram video posted in May 2023.

“I just heard about this thing called the ‘Let Them Theory,’ I freaking love this,” Robbins starts the video.

“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.” Robbins says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”

“If they’re not showing up how you want them to show up, do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next,” she continued.

The phrase is a great one to keep in your mental health tool kit because it’s a reminder that, for the most part, we can’t control other people. And if we can, is it worth wasting the emotional energy? Especially when we can allow people to behave as they wish and then we can react to them however we choose?

@melrobbins

Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the #melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode

How you respond to their behavior can significantly impact how they treat you in the future.

It’s also incredibly freeing to relieve yourself of the responsibility of changing people or feeling responsible for their actions. As the old Polish proverb goes, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

“Yes! It’s much like a concept propelled by the book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k.’ Save your energy and set your boundaries accordingly. It’s realizing that we only have “control” over ourselves and it’s so freeing,” one viewer wrote.

“Let It Be” brought Paul McCartney solace as he dealt with losing his band in a very public breakup. The same state of mind can help all of us, whether it’s dealing with parents living in the past, friends who change and you don’t feel like you know them anymore, or someone who cuts you off in traffic because they’re in a huge rush to go who knows where.

The moment someone gets on your nerves and you feel a jolt of anxiety run up your back, take a big breath and say, “Let them.”

let them theory, let it be, paul mccartney, the beatles, exhalethe beatles wave GIFGiphy

This article originally appeared last year.

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Parenting

Young parents in college share realities of raising their baby with 'village' of student friends

"POV: having a baby in college means your friends get a free, hands-on parenting course."

mindyour/Reddit/

Keali'i and Riho Maruyama raised their daughter Hinami with the help of their college friends.

The saying "it takes a village" has never been more true than for young married couple Keali'i and Riho Maruyama (@rihomaruyama). The couple married during their freshman year of college.

During her senior year of college in Utah, Riho became pregnant with their daughter Hinami—news that was "a total shock." However, their fellow college friends and students rallied around them to help raise her after she was born in spring 2023.

Riho documents their journey as young parents managing parenthood with higher education goals in a series of sweet videos. "POV: having a baby in college means your friends get a free, hands-on parenting crash course," she captioned the video.

@rihomaruyama

Their future wives can thank us later 😅🥰 #babytok #collegeparents #firsttimemom #firsttimedad #d1athletes #babiesoftiktok #parenting #wasian #fyp #teamwork #futurehusband #collegelife #iykyk #raisedby

In an interview with Business Insider, Riho shared, "I felt like there was this stigma that once you have a baby, your life would be over, and you can't do all that you love anymore."

The couple indeed faced many challenges as they balanced playing collegiate rugby, finishing their studies, and working part-time. "With only a year left, I was so close to finishing. Work was a necessity. We needed the money, so quitting wasn't an option," she added. So, the couple's friends stepped up. "Soon after her birth, our group chat became a day care forum to talk about who could take care of Hinami, with different people volunteering to have her when my husband and I weren't around."

@rihomaruyama

Anything but ordinary🥹💗 #ourvillage #family #friends #utah #collegekids #babygirl #toddlerlife #newparents #fyp #bestlife #hawaii #byu #uvu #ordinarygirl

The experience not only changed the couple, but deeply impacted their friends as well. "Raising her around people who don't have children has allowed me to become a first-time mom without fear of judgment. We are all learning what it means to take care of a baby together," she shared.

They credit their supportive friends for making it all possible: "I wouldn't have been able to raise Hinami without this village of friends around us. It's been a game changer. Because of them, life didn't have to stop. I could be a mom, an athlete, a student, and an employee, even with a newborn," she said.

Hinami recently turned two years old, and it was a milestone that meant so much. "We were two college kids who had no idea what we were doing—just trying to figure life out while figuring out how to raise a baby. We didn’t have much… she didn’t have the cutest nursery, most of her clothes were gifted or thrifted, and our resources were limited," Riho shared in an emotional Instagram post from her birthday party.

Their friends gathered to celebrate her birthday, and Riho shouted them out for their support over the years. "BUT looking back at the past 2 years… she’s been able to experience a special type of childhood—one full of adventure, sports games, rugby practices, study halls, concerts, and gym sessions. But the real gift? All her aunties and uncles who’ve loved her like their own. We’re beyond grateful for you guys!!"

Viewers on social media could not be more supportive of the village. "What a loved baby," one wrote.

Another said, "It’s beautiful. It takes a village to raise a child, and I think you’re blessed you have such a supportive one."

"She’s gonna have the best memories with all the aunties and uncles. 🥰" one predicted (and they're probably right).

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Pop Culture

Two brothers Irish step dancing to Beyoncé's country hit 'Texas Hold 'Em' is pure delight

The Gardiner Brothers and Queen Bey proving that music can unite us all.

Gardiner Brothers/TikTok (with permission)

The Gardiner Brothers stepping in time to Beyoncé's "Texas Hold 'Em."

In early February 2024, Beyoncé rocked the music world by releasing a surprise new album of country tunes. The album, Renaissance: Act II, includes a song called "Texas Hold 'Em," which shot up the country charts—with a few bumps along the way—and landed Queen Bey at the No.1 spot.

As the first Black female artist to have a song hit No. 1 on Billboard's country music charts, Beyoncé once again proved her popularity, versatility, and ability to break barriers without missing a beat. In one fell swoop, she got people who had zero interest in country music to give it a second look, forced country music fans to broaden their own ideas about what country music looks like, prompted conversations about bending and blending musical genres and styles, and gave the Internet a crash course on the Black roots of country music.

And she inspired the Gardiner Brothers to add yet another element to the mix—Irish step dance.

In a TikTok that's been viewed over 42 million times, the Gardiner Brothers don cowboy hats while they step in time to "Texas Hold 'Em," much to the delight of viewers everywhere.

Watch:

@gardinerbrothers

Beyoncé 🤝 Irish dancing #beyonce #countrymusic

Michael and Matthew Gardiner are professional Irish-American step dancers and choreographers who have gained international fame with their award-winning performances. They've also built a following of millions on social media with videos like this one, where they dance to popular songs, usually in an outdoor environment.

The melding of Irish dance with country music sung by a Black American female artist may seem unlikely, but it could be viewed merely as country music coming back to its roots. As mentioned, country music has roots in Black culture and tradition. One major staple of the country music genre, the banjo, was created by enslaved Africans and their descendants during the colonial era, according to The Smithsonian. The genre also has deep roots in the ballad tradition of the Irish, English and Scottish settlers in the Appalachian region of the U.S. Despite modern country music's struggle to break free from "music for white people" stereotypes, it's much more diverse than many realize or care to admit, and Queen Bey is simply following tradition.

banjo, country music, country, roots, genreMan playing banjo.Canva Photos

People are loving the blending of genres and culture that the TikTok exemplifies.

"Never thought I’d see Irish step dancing while Beyoncé sings country," wrote on commenter. "My life is complete. ♥️"

"So happy Beyoncé dropped this song and exposed my timeline to diversified talent 👏🏽👏🏽," wrote another.

"Beyoncé brought the world together with this song 😭," offered another person.

"Ayeeee Irish Dancing has entered the BeyHive chatroom… WELCOME!! 🔥🔥🔥" exclaimed another.

"I don’t think I can explain how many of my interests are intersecting here," wrote one commenter, reflecting what several others shared as well.

The Beyoncé/Gardiner Brothers combo and the reactions to it are a good reminder that none of us fit into one box of interest or identity. We're all an eclectic mix of tastes and styles, so we can almost always find a way to connect with others over something we enjoy. What better way to be reminded of that fact than through an unexpected mashup that blends the magic of music with the delight of dance? Truly, the arts are a powerful uniting force we should utilize more often.

And for an extra bit of fun, the Gardiner Brothers also shared their bloopers from filming the video. Turns out stepping in the rain isn't as easy as they make it look.

@gardinerbrothers

Beyoncé Bloopers #texasholdem #gardinerbrothers

This article originally appeared last year.

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Family

Moms share 6 reasons why their ‘absent boomer’ parents won’t make time for their grandkids

"Why do they complain about not seeing the baby when they don't make any effort?"

via Canva/Photos

A stressed, tired mom and her boomer parents.

There is a lot of discussion in online parent groups these days about how Gen Xers and millennials with baby boomer parents aren’t getting any support from them with their grandchildren. Sure, they will send a Christmas present or upload a photo to Facebook saying how much they love their grandkids. But even though they are retired, they just can’t make time for their grandchildren. Maybe it’s all the travelling they do, or they have a doctor’s appointment in a month, so they can’t be by.

Although it’s wrong to paint an entire generation with the same brush, it’s hard to ignore that baby boomers aren’t as interested in being grandparents as their silent generation parents, who seemed to have a different commitment to family. Baby boomers are more likely to be well off than their parents were, so they have more lifestyle options that take them away from family commitments.

A lot of folks aren’t shocked that baby boomers aren’t that into being grandparents; they weren’t that into being parents, so why should we think otherwise? The “Me generation” cohort started the massive upswing in divorces, was the first to embrace double-income households, and raised the least supervised generation in American history.

baby boomer, old guy on board, water sports, water skiing, boomerA baby boomer water skiing.via Canva/Photos

A group of parents who have absentee baby boomer parents tried to get to the bottom of why baby boomers aren’t that into being grandparents, and they came up with six reasons why they just aren’t around.

1. They weren't around when raising their own kids

"I’ve seen this question asked before, and it seems like answers boiled down to them not being particularly present parents themselves. Meaning, they often relied on their own parents to watch their kids, and this behavior carried on into their grandparenthood. They want the status of being grandparents without the heavy lifting."

"They’re just extremely selfish and were literally the ones that let us be latchkey kids, so they really didn’t parent either… I don't know why I expected anything different once they turned 60."

2. Self-absorption

The reasons are pretty varied, but come down to a level of self-absorption inherent in that generation. They are, and we’re driven by their wants, needs, and glory/success. My mom was an older mom, having establishing a very driven career. She was INCREDIBLY hands-on and present, honestly a fantastic mom, and we always joked about her needing grandbabies. Well, I finally gave them to her, and she’s just… not there. She lives half the country away from me, and there was the pandemic, of course, but it’s just been very noticeable and very odd. She sends gifts, she talks about how much she wants to see them, but just doesn’t. She hasn’t seen my second since she was born 7 months ago. ... She wants to focus on her now. Coming out to see the kids, being out of her comfort zone, not being in charge, not getting anything tangible from it, doesn’t meet a want that she’s not already meeting by sending gifts and delighting over pictures.


baby boomers, boomer couple, couple 70s, middle-aged people, grandparentsA baby boomer couple. via Canva/Photos

3. They are spoiled

"So I think it’s because they were an extremely spoiled generation that was emotionally stunted. So the boomers parents lived through the Great Depression. A lot of them had childhoods filled with poverty hardship, and very few childhood joys. So when they had their kids, they tried to give them a lot materially. This continued into their adulthoods when A LOT of us were pretty much raised by our grandparents. A lot of boomer were kind of absentee parents who either left us with family all the time or left us alone. Plus, their generation had very little access to mental health, and Vietnam was very traumatic (even for those who didn’t get drafted)."

4. Affluence

"They’re the last generation with a solid middle-class life with one breadwinner and can afford to retire. They DGAF about anything!"

affluence, money, wine, baby boomers, dinner, outdoor diningAn older couple eating outside.via Canva/Photos

5. Zero interest in paying it forward

"I think the part that's really hard to grasp is how much help many boomer parents had with their kids. ...I spent entire summers with my grandparents and remember them even coming to eat lunch with me at school. My child never recognizes my MIL at family gatherings. She has to be reintroduced each time. It's bizarre and beyond sad."

"When I realized how bullsh*t it was, especially since 75% of the time I was with grandparents, extended family, etc, it made me so mad. Like I was ALWAYS at someone’s house over the weekends and all summer vacation, my parents had so much help and ‘me time’, it’s ridiculous how little they help. Maybe that is the problem, they had TOO MUCH help."

6. The world revolved around them

"Baby boomers are named after the baby boom. As in - there are a LOT of them. When there is a big demographic, the world takes notice. Advertisers, planners, and politicians all jockey and cater. For most of their life, Boomers have had the world revolve around them a bit more than people of other generations."

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Education & Information

6 foods that are so much cheaper to grow than to buy it's not even funny

Gardening isn't always easy, but it's definitely worth it for these crops.

Photo credit: Canva

Certain fruits and vegetables are particularly cost-effective to grow yourself.

Some people are born with a green thumb and love the idea of having a garden full of all kinds of produce. Others of us struggle to keep basic houseplants alive and feel overwhelmed by the idea of trying to grow our own food. Anyone who's tried to grow a garden knows it's not as simple as just throwing some seeds in the dirt and waiting, and if you don't really enjoy it, gardening can feel like it isn't really worth the time or effort.

However, there are some fruits and vegetables that are worth trying to grow, even with some initial cost and time investment, simply because growing them is so much cheaper than buying them. That's not automatically true of all produce, but for these six foods, if you succeed in nurturing them to harvest, you can save a bundle vs. buying them at the supermarket. (Yes, even when they're on sale.)

vegetable garden, grow your own food, plant a garden, save money, produceGrowing your own food can save money, especially with certain crops.Photo credit: Canva

Tomatoes

There's nothing like a fresh tomato right off the vine, first of all, so that's a reason to grow your own tomatoes all by itself. But tomatoes are fairly easy to tend and cost approximately six times less to grow than to buy by some estimates. And that's even if you include some initial cost for soil, a pot, and a starter plant. If you already had a garden plot and grew from seed, it would cost you even less.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Tomatoes can be frozen or canned to make a large harvest last longer than the growing season and then used in sauces and soups. Baby or cherry tomatoes can be frozen whole and roasted in the oven straight from the freezer.

Zucchini and other summer squash

Have you ever had a friend with a zucchini plant who tried to give you zucchini every time you turn around in the summer? Once these famously prolific plants start poppin', they don't stop.

You can grow zucchini in a bed or in a pot. You can also grow it vertically, like this:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Zucchini's cousin, yellow squash, is similar. Before you know it, you've got squash coming out your ears. You can give it away, but you don't have to. You can slice it up and freeze it for soups or stir fries after the harvest comes to a close.

Peppers

If you buy bell peppers, you know they can be on the spendy side, especially if you buy organic ones. Growing your own can save a pretty penny, though, especially once you get a garden plot or container established for them.

One gardener demonstrated how a successful crop of pepper plants in his raised bed can save approximately $320 a year, and that's including initial startup costs. Savings would be even greater in subsequent years since most of those costs aren't recurring.

@geekygreenhouse

How much money can you save by growing your own bell peppers? #gardening101 #gardeningtips

Peppers can be frozen fresh to be used in cooked dishes later. (Are we getting the hint that a large freezer is a necessity when you have a garden?) And the grow-your-own savings goes for all kinds of peppers, not just sweet bells. Poblanos, jalapenos, serranos, chili peppers—you can have a whole array of pepper plants right at your fingertips.

Lettuce

Salad lovers, rejoice, because growing your own leafy greens can be a big boon for your diet and your pocketbook. Romaine lettuce in particular is a fast-growing green that replenishes in just a week or two, so if you have a few of these babies planted you'll be eating fresh salads on the regular through the spring and summer (and into fall as long as the weather holds).

Lettuce is a comparatively easy crop to grow, so don't be intimidated if you've never done it.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

To harvest lettuce, you can cut off the largest, most mature leaves to eat, leaving the interior of the plant alone so it will keep on growing. Another method is to slice the whole lettuce plant straight across, as long as you leave the "crown" in the center so it can keep regrowing.

With lettuce, unfortunately, you don't get the ability to freeze for later, but having fresh salads for many months of the year makes up for it.

Cucumbers

If you enjoy the fresh, crisp crunch of a cucumber, growing your own is where it's at. While how much you can save will vary depending on where you live, where you shop, and how successful. your crop is, a cucumber patch can yield a ton of cucumbers, especially if you learn some tricks specific to cucumber growing.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

One of those "tricks" is to regularly harvest your cucumbers. The more you pick, the more the plant will produce—nifty, eh?

Another tip is to keep them watered well. Cucumbers are largely water, so they do require a lot of water to grow. Just don't get the leaves wet—keep the watering at the base of the plant.

Fresh Herbs

This might be the most cost savings you'll see in a garden, especially if you use a lot of fresh herbs (which you should—they're so good!). Have you ever bought fresh herbs in those little plastic clamshells at the store? They're usually $2 to $3 each for just a handful of leaves or sprigs, and they don't stay fresh for long. An herb garden can save you tons and provide a nonstop source of fresh flavorings.

Basil, oregano, rosemary, and mint are particularly easy to grow and you can even grow them in your kitchen.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

But a full-fledged herb garden is even more fun. Cilantro, parsley, holy basil, chives, dill, thyme—there are so many herbs you can grow yourself. In fact, you may find yourself using more herbs if you grow them since you won't have to spend money on them at the store and they need to be harvested in order to keep growing. Aromatic, healthy, delicious, and cheap—win, win, win, win.

And you can dry or freeze excess herbs to use for cooking later as well. So much winning.

Growing your own food isn't always easy, but learning how to garden crops that can save you big money is definitely worth the time and energy investment to try.

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