5 lessons I learned after 5 friends under 30 died in 5 years.
A good chunk of my mid-20s revolved around funerals.
That's not how I usually like to start conversations, but it's the reality I live with. In under five years, I lost five friends around my own age to suicide, cancer, diabetes, heart failure, and addiction.
It was rough. It was always unexpected (except for the cancer). It reached a point where my boss at the time accused me of using the "funeral excuse" as a lie for skipping work, which was really not a fun conversation to have.
But after suffering through so much grief in quick succession, I learned a thing or two (or five) that might come in handy if this happens to you.
1. Death never ends.
Maybe it's because I was going through a breakup around the same time that Mike lost his life to suicide, but I was definitely expecting there to be some kind of "getting over it" moment — like when someone breaks your heart and you're consumed by that sadness and your friend who's been through a serious breakup pulls you aside and says: "Hey man, you'll get over it. Maybe not today, but someday. You'll be OK."
Except ... that doesn't happen. When people die, they're gone for good. And that's really hard to fully grasp until you're there yourself. There is hope, of course. You learn to live with whatever scars are left behind. But you never quite "get over it," and that's OK.
Me and Mike in... 1998?
2. Every death is the same.
My favorite funeral memory — because yes, it reached a point where I could have a "favorite" — was at my friend Layne's wake. In the far corner of the parlor, there was a video tribute playing on the wall, crossfading through images of her life. Every three photos, there was a brief palate-cleansing interlude of stock footage of a babbling brook — with the watermark still imposed on the video — and the whole thing was set to a terrible plunking MIDI version of "My Heart Will Go On."
To be clear: It was awful. But also oddly fitting.
Me, Layne, and our roommate Paul at our college apartment in 2006.
One by one, my friends and I made our way to the corner to watch this video, standing in stunned silence as the painfully corny montage flashed by. And then, as if on cue, all six of us erupted into laughter. Her father yelled from near the casket: "You guys watching that stupid video? She'd $%in' hate it. It's great." He wiped the tears from his eyes and laughed along with us.
I don't know. Maybe you had to be there.
The point is there are a lot of cliche aspects to the mourning process. Lots of repeated lines like "s/he would have liked this," accompanied by synth-string covers of sentimental pop songs and collectible trading cards adorned with Bible verses and airbrushed photos of the recently deceased. Sometimes these platitudes sound hollow and generic — which, maybe they are. But they also offer comfort. And in the moment, that's what you really need, corny or not.
3. Every death is different.
This is why the mourning rituals above can get so frustrating. Everyone is unique, and we all want to mark the passing of our loved ones in a way that resonates with whatever made them special. But even when you think you know what's coming — when you've memorized that funeral script and finally begin to understand your own bereavement — death will still surprise you.
My wife and I included our departed friends at our wedding. Photo by Bethany and Dan, used with permission.
By the time my wife's best friend, Crystal, died in 2012, I had been through the grieving process so many times that I almost felt like an experienced veteran, specially equipped to help her through her sorrow. But my wife and I have polar opposite ways of dealing with things. I would try to cheer her up in my way, and she would tell me that I didn't understand — which made me even more upset because at that point, I had already lost Mike, and Matt, and Layne.
But I hadn't lost Crystal before. And her death was different because every death is different. And so is everyone's own way of mourning.
4. It doesn't get easier. But it does change.
If mourning never really ends, and if every death is unique, then it stands to reason that every awful experience will be different. Maybe over time you'll learn to deal with it differently — but even when you think you know what to expect, tragedy always finds new ways to surprise you.
For example, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" is kind of a trigger song for me. I used to just think it was a terrible song, but it was also Layne's favorite song — and the first thing I heard after I got the call about her death. For a while, the sound of those opening piano chords would immediately reduce me to a sobbing lump of flesh on the floor. Eventually, I learned to contain myself long enough to slip out of the room for the duration of the song.
But after my friend Scotty passed away, a group of us shared all the mixtapes he'd made us over the years. I listen to those things constantly because they're really good. Though they remind me of Scotty, the music never makes me sad.
Scotty, grinning on the left.
Even after you've reached the point where you're not actively aware of the glaring lack of that person in your life, you'll probably find that their absence still lingers in unexpected ways. You'll also probably react to their absences in many weird, unexpected ways — and that's OK, too.
5. We need to talk about it.
I struggled a lot while processing all of these emotions when they were still fresh because I didn't know how to talk about them. I couldn't go on a date and say: "Oh yeah, my friend just died. Let me tell you about it." I definitely tried to bring up that hilariously awful tribute video one time at a party, and I got lots of weird, pitying looks and awkward pats on the shoulder.
I wasn't looking for pity, though. I just didn't want to feel alone. And that's why I'm talking about it with you right now.
I keep collectible cards from each of their funerals above my music workstation.
Naturally, I hope you don't have to deal with any horrible losses in your life. But if it happens, know that you should never feel alone.
Death is a part of all of our lives. It sucks, it's terrible, it's awful, and I hate it, but it's true. We can't stop it, we can't cure it, we can't utterly abolish it. All we can do is talk about it.
I always have Mike, Matt, Crystal, Layne, and Scotty in my thoughts, even if it's not a fully conscious action every day. Their memories are a bittersweet inspiration for me to go above and beyond in everything I do. They're no longer around to leave their own marks on the world, so I take it upon myself to make that impact for them — which is sometimes just as simple as singing a little louder whenever and wherever I can.
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- A woman accepted a new job, then her mom died. Her new boss's response left her in tears. - Upworthy ›
- A trait in kids that can predict their parents' longevity - Upworthy ›
Millennial mom struggles to organize her son's room.Image via Canva/fotostorm
Boomer grandparents have a video call with grandkids.Image via Canva/Tima Miroshnichenko
Information from the NICABM website regarding the "Window of Tolerance."Photo Credit: The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine 
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Gen Xers and Millennials share 17 of the strangest things their Baby Boomer parents do
"My mom writes her emails in MS Word, then attaches the Word document to the email."
A Baby Boomer couple.
Generational fights have raged since the dawn of time, and a recent spat between Millennials and Baby Boomers is no exception. Baby Boomers, who raised Millennials, accuse the younger generation of being entitled and irresponsible with money. At the same time, Millennials accuse Boomers of having it easier economically while making it harder for those who came after them.
Where is Gen X in the battle? Probably off in the corner somewhere, saying, "Whatever." Aside from the generational sniping, there are some things the older generation does that are just plain baffling to younger people. Whether it's outdated worldviews, a refusal to adapt to modern technology, or a lack of self-awareness, Baby Boomers can do some strange things.
To help the younger folks get over their frustrations with parents from the "Me Generation," a Redditor asked: "What is the most Boomer thing your parents still do?" The stories were pretty funny and relatable, showing that almost everyone with parents over 60 is dealing with the same thing.
Here are 17 of the "strangest" things people's Baby Boomer parents do:
1. Phones on full blast
"Play iPhone slot machine games at full volume in the doctor’s office."
"My dad pretty much exclusively has his phone on speaker, and just walks around in public talking with it at max volume (and talking really loud himself). I’m like 'Dad, the entire supermarket doesn’t want to listen to you, and Uncle Jim complains about how often you have to pee.'"
2. Still using checkbooks
"My mom balances her checkbook every week. They still have a landline."
"And she probably has way more money than you will until she dies!"
3. Email issues
"My mom writes her emails in MS Word, then attaches the Word document to the email."
"Like the email is just the virtual envelope for the digital letter."
4. Restaurant jokes
"All those little restaurant comments.
'Wow, they'll let anyone in here!' when seeing a friend at said restaurant.
'Thanks for having us, not everyone will' to the waiter at the end of the meal.
'As you can see, it was terrible' when the staff takes away the clearly entirely eaten plate.
'You're going to have me floating away in a minute' when more water is put into their glass"
5. Always have to mention race
"Constantly mentioning the race or ethnicity of everyone she mentions. Never with any negative connotation or comment, but usually, there is no reason for it to be relevant to the conversation."
"My Jewish mother will always whisper the word 'black' in case anyone hears her: 'So the nice black man at the hardware store helped me find the right garden hose.'"
6. Googling their Google
"Typing Google on Google before they Google the thing they’re looking for."
"In the Google search bar, they type Google? Lol."
7. Getting a job is a cinch
"Believing you can walk into a business and hand in a resume. If you have a college degree in any field, they'll hire you."
"Just physically hand over your resume to HR or the hiring manager. You'll make a mark and get hired!! Call the office and ask to speak to HR/Hiring Manager."
Any Millennial who argued with their Boomer parents about how hard it is to land a good job should feel vindicated by a 2022 study, which found that most older Millennials didn't secure good jobs until their early 30s, while most Boomers did so in their 20s. "To secure a good job, young adults need to acquire more education and high-quality work experience than was necessary for previous generations," the researchers wrote.
8. Why are they together?
"Stay married forever while they behave like neither one of them can stand each other."
"I'm on the other side of that. After my mom passed, my dad now acts like their marriage was picture perfect and they were the love of each other's lives, even though they couldn't stand each other for at the very least 40 of the 54 years they were married."
9. Collectables or hoarding?
"Think their 'collectibles' are truly valuable."
"My mom insists her Hummels are going to put my kids through college!"
"Mine are the Thomas Kincade paintings. She has a Victorian glass piece that might actually be worth something, but those damn paintings are the real investment."
10. Can you grab the mail?
"Ask me to bring in the mail when they go away for more than 24 hours."
"My parents think everybody is standing at the door waiting for the mailman every day, and don’t believe me when I tell them that some people go days without checking their mail. They think everybody is waiting for the mailman every day because 'somebody might send them a check.' Like, really?"
11. Zero responsibility
"'Well, I guess I was just a bad father.' Yeah. That attitude of anti-responsibility is exactly why 3 out of 4 of your children don't talk to you."
"Ha! Have the same dad, do we?"
12. Comment on people's appearance
"Comment on EVERYBODY’s body/appearance/weight. The first thing my dad does after not seeing me for a year is poke me in the gut and tell me how fat I am."
13. Boomer panic is real
"Literally throwing their hands up in a panic when they don't understand something. Where did they learn that?"
"Or just saying 'well, I don't know', especially when that comes right after you explaining it and showing them how to do something, with them nodding along and asking relevant questions all the way through."
In a video by YourTango, editor Brian Sundholm tried to explain Boomer panic in an empathetic way: "Most of us nowadays know the importance of recognizing and feeling our emotions." Sundholm then quoted therapist Mitzi Bachman, who explained that when people struggle to express their emotions, it can result in an "unhinged" reaction.
14. Annoying Facebook posts
"Post nonsensical rants on Facebook for other boomers to like, share, and comment. Often these rants are political, but not always. Basically cringe-fest."
"Most people won't do it, but share this post if you believe in god and freedom."
"I do NOT give Facebook permission to use my photos and personal information!"
15. Dinner pushers
"While we're eating breakfast. What do you want to do for supper?"
"Can't we enjoy this meal without worrying about the next?"
16. They print everything
"My boomer in-laws print EVERYTHING! The number of times I have said, 'quit wasting ink, email it to me, or text me the link. Or just text me the schedule, don't print it out.' GPS on their phones? Nope...print a map."
"Boomers and their paper man. My dad has finally started using the internet, but he still prints everything he likes. Like he'll see a boat listing on Craigslist and print the entire page, including a massive color photo of it, and he's definitely not going to be buying it either. He's got a stack of papers that is the internet that sits by his recliner. He just sits there with Fox News on (though it's usually muted for some reason, that's a plus) and looks at his papers."
17. Flirting with servers
"My dad is 77 still flirts with the young waitresses. It's f**king weird for everyone."
"He thinks he is in cute old man territory, but he is not."