upworthy
Add Upworthy to your Google News feed.
Google News Button
More

5 bizarre features of American politics that shock people when they first hear about them.

...including one reason people are staying involved despite it all.

Tuning in to American politics for the first time in 2017 is a lot like drinking from a firehose while fighting a grizzly bear and trying to summarize the plot of "Inception" from memory.  

Photos by: Win McNamee/Getty Images (Paul Ryan), Justin Sullivan/Getty Images (Neil Gorsuch, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren), Zach Gibson/Getty Images (James Comey), Jim Lo Scalzo - Pool/Getty Images (Donald Trump), iStock (Supreme Court).

As breaking news and scandals continue to erupt at an Usain Bolt-ish pace, many Americans are experiencing the early days of the Trump administration as a crash course in what makes our government kind-of-but-honestly-not-exactly work, with emphasis on the "crash."


Granted, even for those of us who have been mainlining C-SPAN for years, the current political climate is more than a little strange. For those just wading into the pool, it's like the water is 150 degrees, there are knives in the water, and oh yeah, it's peanut butter instead of water.

I spoke to four political novices who are getting acquainted with our political system for the first time — a teacher in Boston, a corporate retail worker (also in Boston), a marketing executive in New York, and a former advertising project manager in Detroit. Here are just a few of the surprising things they were shocked to learn are real parts of American politics:

1. If one political party wins enough elections in a state, they can change the maps to make it harder for their opponents to beat them in the next election.

If you've been paying attention to politics for a while, you know this is called gerrymandering, and you know it happens all the time. When a state redraws its districts to shut your party out of power, sure, you might throw up a rage post or two on your old blog, but when your party does it, hey, all's fair in love and war! After all, it is, has been for a long time, and is, for the most part, perfectly legal.

Now... consider gerrymandering as if you were learning about it for the first time.

You'd grab the pointiest pitchfork in grabbing range.

Take Texas. Its state government is completely controlled by Republicans and has been since 2003, which means they get to draw the congressional districts however they damn well please.

As a result, you get districts like Texas' 35th. Note its dispassionately illogical shape:

Imagine believing that congressional districts should make at least vague geographical sense and that your vote is distributed, weighted, and counted the same as anyone's anywhere in America. Then imagine looking at that.

Then, imagine learning that the 35th owes its gunky bottle-brush shape to the fact that it's 63% Latino. Texas Latinos vote pretty heavily for Democrats. If you wanted to dilute the Latino vote, the best way to do that would be to pack them all into one comically skinny but technically geographically contiguous region, creating one safe Democratic seat and a bunch of safe Republican seats around it.

You'd be furious.

In the case of Texas' 35th, the gerrymandering was so blatantly racially motivated that it recently lost a court challenge. But usually, states can get away with if they claim they're doing it for partisan — rather than racial — reasons, which is a bit like saying, "Sure, I punched him in the face, but not because I hate the guy — just because my arm was swinging really fast in his direction and my hand happened to be clenched, so it's not assault."

Boxing isn't fighting! It's just aggressive stretching in close proximity. Photo by skeeze/Pixabay.

If you were new to politics, you might think the system would intervene more often to put a stop to such blatant inequity. After all, this is America and we have checks and balances! Right?

Not exactly. And by "not exactly," I mean right now, you're waking up to the bizarro reality that...

2. There are no "checks and balances" if the people we elect don't want to check or balance each other.

The notion that evil or bad policy is ipso facto checked by our fair and just system is comforting — but hilariously wrong, as nearly all of the political newbies I spoke to reported being horrified to learn.

Of all the supposedly holy features of our government, perhaps none is more vaunted then the tripartite separation of co-equal powers — executive, legislative, and judicial — that you learned about in civics class. They're among the foremost concerns of our Constitution, praised by politicians left and right alike. You watched "Schoolhouse Rock" animations about them in middle school, where they were discussed in weird circus metaphors sung to you in a soothing Joni Mitchell voice. And you were soothed.

You feel good and serene about the nice normal people making the laws that govern your every waking hour. Photo by Central Press/Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

That song today, however, would probably feature singer James Hetfield, probably with bronchitis, and a gang of horny sea lions would be slapping at his throat.

We're all going to die. Photo by Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images.

When, as in 2017, one party controls the executive, legislative, and (probably soon) judiciary, that party can basically go hog-wild with its most ludicrously ideological, borderline unconstitutional ideas — and pretty much no one can stop them.

Several of the political newcomers I spoke to were particularly shocked at how far executive orders can go and how long they can stay in place, even when they're clearly illegal. Indeed, executive orders have become sort of like the Tom Brady Super Bowl Hail Mary of policymaking — presidents just give it a go and damn it to Wednesday if anyone tries to stop them. Republicans were livid when President Obama signed a series of executive orders protecting undocumented immigrants from deportation. And Democrats are furious now that President Trump has signed orders making it easier to kick them out and build a gigantic wall on the southern border. Congress can pass laws to overrule them. But if they don't want to, they won't, and right now, they clearly don't.

Sometimes, the old constitutional reflex kicks in, as with Trump's two travel bans, which were blocked in the courts. But even that might be a temporary victory. If Neil Gorsuch gets confirmed to the Supreme Court, reinstating its 5-4 conservative majority, things could easily change.

Aw shucks, this nice Colorado dad just thinks the law is the law, and if the law just so happens to line up completely 100% with the favored policy outcomes of Republican party political leaders in 2017, so be it! Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images.

True, the Constitution remains, technically speaking, the supreme law of the land. But a lot of bad stuff is constitutional, as many formerly carefree Americans are learning as they find themselves increasingly glued to the incoming stream of ludicrous news "Clockwork Orange"-style. The Supreme Court decision that led to the Japanese internment camps? Still hasn't been overturned! And even if an executive order or bad piece of legislation is unconstitutional, partisan forces are often enough to persuade enough legislative, executive, and judicial officials to pretend that it's all good, at least for a few weeks, years, or decades.  

Add that to ubiquitous gerrymandering, and you begin to realize with ever-increasing dread that:

3. For politicians, their parties are bae (before all else), including bcs (before common sense) and btbiotap (before the best interests of the American people).

These people are all thinking about biting each others' faces off. Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images.

If you didn't know much about how lawmaking worked, you'd probably assume it went something like this: Members of the two parties argue for a while about some bill or another, then get together, have a few beers, compliment pictures of each others' grandkids, and come up with something that basically lands in the middle of what they want. You know, compromise. It wasn't so long ago that this was the case.

Imagine how political newbies feel when they find out the truth, Bruce-Willis-gripping-his-bloody-gut-at-the-end-of-"The-Sixth-Sense"-style.

Sure, some members will occasionally buck their party leaders for strategic reasons, but for the most part, politicians these days defend their parties to the death — logic, reason, and, uh, you know, what's good for the country and the world be damned. Think about learning that for the first time and realizing that if you prefer, say, progressive policy outcomes, you'd be better off voting for a ferret with a "D" next to their name than a reasonable, well-spoken, moderate Republican doctor-war-hero-astronaut. And vice-versa. It would barely compute. And it should barely compute!

Don't blame me! I voted for Mr. Longfloppy. Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images.

Since both parties are pretty well ferreted up at this point, you get a spectacle like James Comey's March 20 hearing, where the FBI director revealed that aides to the president of the United States and, perhaps, the president himself, are under investigation for potentially colluding with a foreign power to undermine an American election, and Republicans on the panel only wanted to grill him about who leaked this embarrassing revelation to the press. It's as if during the O.J. trial the prosecution had spent its time trying to slam Ron Goldman's parents for making such a big deal out of everything.

If this base-level skullduggery were news to you, you'd probably assume we, the people, could band together, decide on a few things we all agree on, agree to disagree on the rest, and vote these jokers out.

Except then you learn, in perhaps the most heinous twist of twists...

4. There are some politicians who actively make it as hard as possible for people to vote, and they're getting pretty good at it.

Wouldn't be surprised if this woman had to fight a few great whites to get here. Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images.

This may be old news to some of us, but if you're one of the people just learning about voter ID laws for the first time, you'd probably feel like giving the nearest window a good bricking too.

Believe it or not, historically, voting isn't something Americans have been good at. Even in our presidential elections, only a little more than half of us do it. If you were newly engaged in politics, you'd probably assume that most politicians — grateful for the patriotic exercise of franchise that allowed them to serve their country — would want to make it easier.

Instead, you're learning that dozens of elected officials across America are actively trying to make voting harder. "Sure," the thinking apparently goes, "you technically can vote as long as you fill out forms A through Q in a timely fashion, bring the right laminated card, and survive the piranha-stocked moat we dug in front of this elementary school cafeteria."

The current weapon of choice for politicians getting off on taking away Americans' voting rights is the aforementioned voter ID law, which forces voters to bring identification to the voting booth. Many of these laws specifically ban types of IDs likely to be held by poorer, younger, browner folks (like student IDs) while permitting those likely to be held by older, whiter, more conservative folks (like gun licenses), which is obviously a huge coincidence that will be cleared up just as soon as hahahahahaha.

Felon disenfranchisement, which takes away the vote from convicted felons — who just so happen to be disproportionately black and brown — even after they've served their time, is another biggie.

This felon would definitely have her right to vote taken away just as soon as we figure out what she's guilty of. Photo by Rhona Wise/Getty Images.

And then there's the plain old refusal to streamline and improve the voting process that leads to random mishaps like being tripped up by a clerical error or having your registration lost and being forced to cast a provisional ballot, as one of the political newcomers I spoke to reported experiencing when she tried to vote for the first time in 2008.

Add it all up and you can see why someone just starting to engage with politics might be tempted to disengage right away. Yet many are choosing not to. They're choosing to stay involved and engaged, even when things are at their John-Malkovich-in-the-Malkovich-universe-iest.

And for some, that's because...

5. People power still exists, and it's pretty great to see up close.

Democracy, I am told, looks like this. Photo by Andrew Caballero-Reynolds/AFP/Getty Images.

Even if you hadn't been paying much attention to the arcane inner workings of our government, a quick look out the window any time in the last few decades or so would probably lead you to believe that Americans were pretty content to let our elected officials do what they wanted without much taking-to-the-streets. You might even assume that sort of in-your-face activism was a relic of the '60s or earlier, the subject of grainy, black-and-white news footage and CNN baby boomer-bait documentaries, something that our couch-sitting, Arby's-inhaling, Kardashian-watching culture couldn't hope to live up to.

Instead, almost immediately following Donald Trump's Jan. 20 inauguration, we got millions of women and allies marching for their rights in hundreds of cities large and small, thousands descending on airports across the country to show solidarity with refugees and immigrants, and groups organizing across the country to lobby their elected officials to protect their health care. It's like a Woody Guthrie deep cut that was just a little too commie-ish to make it onto your second-grade music class playlist, except it's really happening in 2017.

"The trees are green/And the canyons majestic/Seize the means of production/You have nothing to lose but your chains!" Photo by Al Aumuller/New York World-Telegram and the Sun.

A lot about the way our system works is messed up and has been for a long time. It needs to be reformed up the wazoo, and its wazoo probably won't get so much as a look from the current crop of swamp creatures we've elected. But as the countless Americans just waking up to the reality of our politics are discovering, there's a pretty seriously effective counterweight: us.

Even those of us who are jaded can admit — we're surprised.

Thanks to Abby Huntley, Hannah Eisenberg, Robert Fuhrer, and Mary Kay Gumbel for speaking with me for this piece.

Pets

Dogs really do have favorite people, and here's how they decide who it will be

Sometimes their favorite people don't live in their house.

Dogs really do have favorite people. Here's how they decide

When my sister's dog, Junior, was on this side of the Rainbow Bridge, I was one of his favorite people. This dog would get full body wags every time I came around, and we'd spend most of the day cuddled up with each other. Now my dog, Cocolina, behaves in the same way whenever my sister comes to visit. But what goes into a dog deciding who their favorite person is? Spoiler, it's not always the person they live with.

Like humans, animals have their own personalities. You might rescue a dog thinking it will be the perfect companion, only to have the furry adoptee spend every waking moment following your partner around. You could spend hundreds of dollars on vet checkups, new harnesses, treats, and all the squeaky dog toys you can find, but that still won't be enough to convince a dog to love you. Instead of showering the giver of treats with kisses, they make goo-goo eyes at the pet sitter. It turns out they have their reasons.

dogs; dogs favorite; dog's best friend; pets; people and pets; rescue animals Corgi cuddles spreading joy and smiles!Photo credit: Canva

Since our canine friends can't talk, we have to rely on the experts to explain what the deal is with how dogs pick their favorite human. Carol Erickson, a Pennsylvania SPCA animal advocate, gave a brief interview with CBS News Philadelphia to explain her take on how dogs determine their bestest, most favorite person.

"What it comes down to for all dogs is they decide their very favorite family member by who gives the most consistent, high-quality attention, play, and physical affection: ear rubs, scratches, that sort of thing. Dogs get positive associations from being around people who consistently provide positive experiences, including treats, meals, play that they enjoy, and remember also that early association in those first six months can influence who a dog may like better later on," she tells the outlet.

Rover backs up Erickson's claim that the first six months are crucial in determining who will become the dog's favorite person later in life. The website says, "Many dogs bond hardest to whoever cares for them during their key socialization period, which occurs between birth and six months." However, they later note that dogs can still be socialized appropriately even as adults.

The dog-sitting website also explains that it's not uncommon for people who are not the dog's primary caregiver to be their favorite person. Pointing out that physical affection is vital to dogs, if the mailman gives out head scratches daily but the owner doesn't, the mailman may become the dog's favorite person. While physical affection and treats go a long way for some pooches, those aren't the only things that get puppy eyes melting with love.

dogs; dogs favorite; dog's best friend; pets; people and pets; rescue animals Joyful moments with furry friends! 🐶❤️Photo credit: Canva

"While positive experiences play a big role, a dog’s favorite person isn’t always just the one holding the treat bag. Dogs also respond to emotional connection, tone of voice, and even body language. Their preferences are shaped by a mix of familiarity, trust, and how well a person understands their needs," explains Elle Vet Sciences. They later add, "Dogs also take emotional cues from us. If a person is stressed, loud, or inconsistent, a dog may be less likely to form a deep bond with them. On the other hand, someone who offers reassurance and stability often earns the title of 'favorite' without even realizing it."

In short, if you want to be your dog's bestie, being consistent with affection, actions, and even training and grooming will get you there a lot faster than treats alone. Dogs aren't trying to be persnickety; just like humans, they enjoy being around people who show them that they enjoy their company—and maybe some treats.

People with dementia can roam freely in a dementia village.

There are a lot of extremely challenging things about getting older, but one stands about the rest. Living with dementia is not easy, nor is living with someone living with dementia. No matter how much caregivers may want to keep a loved one with dementia in their home, it's not always feasible. But moving them into a traditional care facility isn't always ideal, either.

That's where a "dementia village" comes in as an alternative. Instead of trying to fit a person with dementia into a living situation that either isn't designed for them or is overly focused on their limitations, a dementia village is an environment designed specifically to help people with severe dementia feel safe and free and live as normal a life as possible.

dementia, dementia care, alzheimer's disease, dementia village, memory care People with dementia tend to remember distant memories and forget recent ones.Photo credit: Canva

The Hogeweyk was the world's first dementia village, founded in 2009. Since then, the idea has been replicated in dozens of locations all over the world. The concept is quite simple: A full, self-contained neighborhood where people with dementia can walk around freely without fear of getting lost, where everyone from shopkeepers to restaurant servers to salon workers are trained in dementia care, and where people who are losing their memory to dementia diseases are treated as people who still have aspirations.

Eloy van Hal, one of the founders of the Hogeweyk, explained to Vox how the guiding principle of the village is "normalcy." Traditional nursing homes keep all residents under one roof, and they are subject to do whatever program the institution provides for them. In the Hogeweyk, people live in small groups of six or seven in apartments with furnishings like they'd have at home. Distinct landmarks in the public space help residents know where they are, and putting a theater, grocery store, barber shop, etc. in separate buildings encourage movement through the neighborhood.

"It's about choice, choice, choice, where you want to be during the whole day and with whom," said van Hal. The idea is to balance safe design with controlled risk, allowing for as much of a normal life as possible.

- YouTube youtu.be

The one downside to the village concept, of course, is cost. Without adequate funding assistance from governments, living in a dementia village can be prohibitively expensive.

Does it really make a difference for residents, though? Has it been proven that outcomes are better than traditional care models? With dozens of villages now being used around the world, research is ongoing but the data from the Hogeweyk is promising. People in the comments of Vox's by Design video shared how such facilities have been life-changing for their loved ones and how traditional care doesn't always meet the needs of people with dementia.

"My grandmother had dementia and when her caretaker who was my grandfather (her husband) passed unexpectedly we had to scramble to get her into a memory care facility in the US. The first place she was in temporarily was so sad, I could see her spirit drain but after about a year we were able to get her into a "village" and the quality of life difference is nothing short of ASTOUNDING! She could function in a way that was familiar and comfortable to her and not be in a foreign hospital setting. The abrupt change from a home where they are familiar, to a clinical setting must be very disorienting and upsetting to these people. That side of my family had mental health issues and memory loss starts early, so I know it will happen to me to some extent and I only hope I can have people take care of me as well as in this Hogeweyk."

"I've worked in a nursing home through high school and college. While I can't say it was the worst place for dementia patients, it certainly did not work well for all of them. One patient once tried to wedge herself through the door begging to go outside with me and I even had patients confide in me that they hated being institutionalized, they missed being able to live a normal life, being part of a real community, and being able to come and go as they pleased. This concept is probably the closest thing possible to a normal life a dementia patient could ever have."

dementia, dementia care, alzheimer's disease, dementia village, memory care All the workers in a dementia village are trained in memory care.Photo credit: Canva

"A relative of mine used to get aggressive, violent and angry when she would encounter a locked door in the institution she was in. She couldn't understand why there would be a locked room in what she understood to be 'her home', this would take a lot of calming down and management, only for her to discover another locked door, and kick off again. I love these village based models as they allow autonomy for residents, and have an individual experience. Just because someone has a brain disease doesn't mean they aren't entitled to the very best care. I hope the govt spends far more on these establishments in the future."

"As he said at the end, people with dementia are still people—even if there is proven to be no benefits to this model over a care home, I would much prefer to have dignity in my final days than live in a clinical trap. Love all the incredible ideas the Netherlands come up with."

Dementia care is something Americans are going to have to look at closely. According to The Alzheimer's Association, the number of people living with Alzheimer's is set to nearly double from seven million to 13 million by the year 2050. As more of our elders require full-time care, the more we'll have to consider prioritizing putting resources into things like dementia villages.

Everyone deserves safety and a good quality of life. The Hogeweyk is a great example of what it looks like to view people with dementia as people first and to care for them accordingly.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.

Credit: Canva

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

conversation, friends, small talk, chatting Two women chatting in front of a fire. Credit: Atlantic Ambience/Pexels

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement:

"It reminds me of…”

A Redditor recently shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun:

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


- YouTube www.youtube.com

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologuing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

conversation, small talk, chatting, cafe Two guys chat at a cafe. Credit: Helena Lopes/Pexels

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.


Family

Neuroscientist breaks down why 'normal tween girl drama' deserves a lot more compassion

“Most parents do not realize that between the ages of 8 and 12, your daughter's brain is rewiring itself while her confidence forms."

The science behind why they need more empathy.

If you’ve ever raised tween girls, been a tween girl yourself, or watched any shows with tweens in them, you’ll be all too familiar with tween girl drama. The eye rolling, the aloofness, the cattiness, the meltdowns…you get the idea.

But what if this newfound attitude isn’t just preteen girls being difficult, but a symptom of chronic dysregulation?

That was the insight recently given by Dr. Chelsey Hauge Zavaleta, who argued that most parents don’t understand that between the ages of 8 and 12, their daughter's brain is “rewiring itself while her confidence forms.”

And because of that, Zavaleta explained, her “nervous system is stuck in a constant state of overwhelm.”

“She will be unable to cooperate, not that she won't, not that she's being bratty, refusing, defiant, rude, she cannot cooperate. Her nervous system is too overwhelmed, and your task is to help her bring it down.”

Zavaleta then listed the five typical “tween drama” behaviors that, when constant and persistent, could be signs of an overworked nervous system.

1. She can't do basic routines that she has always done before.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just laziness. Photo credit: Canva

While it might be irksome for parents to now give reminder after reminder for something they know their daughter knows about, Dr. Zavaleta kindly offered the reminder that, “This isn't defiance. She's too dysregulated to access her thinking brain.”

2. She makes nasty comments during family time.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just sibling rivalry. Photo credit: Canva

This doesn’t come from meanness so much as deep insecurity.

“She's sitting there in your family, feeling judged and alone. The attention feels overwhelming when her nervous system is already maxed out,” said Zavaleta.

3. She doesn't care about stuff she used to care about.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just depression.Photo credit: Canva

Contrary to what it looks like, she actually cares so much that it is unbearable. To cope, she willfully disconnects.

“She cares so much, it hurts, but caring feels dangerous right now. Disconnection is protection when everything feels too intense.”

4. She is constantly picking fights with her siblings.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just an attitude. Photo credit: Canva

“She's looking for connection, but she only knows how to get attention through conflict. Her nervous system is seeking regulation through the friction created by drama,” Zavaleta explained.

5. She cries over “nothing.”

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just a meltdown. Photo credit: Canva

“Spilled milk becomes a huge meltdown,” said Zavaleta, painting a picture.

Thing is, “when your system is already flooded, the smallest thing is gonna tip you right over,” she added.

“Those tears aren't about the milk, they're about everything else.”

When put through this lens, it’s easy to see how “these are not behavior problems to be fixed with consequences,” as Zavaleta put it. Rather, they're “regulation problems” that need co-regulation support from the parents. After all, at this age kids are still hardwired to their parents' nervous systems, making it all the more imperative for parents to model healthy regulation practices.

“When you stay calm and grounded, she can access that state as well. When you are also dysregulated because parenting a dysregulated tween is hard, you're both stuck in survival mode.”

@drchelsey_parenting Join me for my LIVE webinar DECODING TWEEN GIRLS Comment TWEENGIRL for the registration link- and clear your calendars- being there live is the best thing!
♬ original sound - Dr. Chelsey HaugeZavaleta, PhD

Bottom line: when you think about all the inner “construction” going on, in addition to external factors—more and more school responsibilities, increasingly complicated friendships, a transforming body, etc.—there’s no doubt that young girls didn’t suddenly become ornery for no reason.

When parents feel that a boundary needs to be made, child counselor Katie Lear suggests offering a chance for “do-overs” when they catch an attitude. This helps preteens become more aware and gives them another opportunity to communicate calmly. Alternatively, parents can offer “natural consequences” that help preteens better understand cause and effect. She uses the example of not being available to drive her to a friend if you’re spending time doing the chores she fails to do.

None of this makes parenting during the tween phase any easier, per se. However, it does hopefully provide insight and tools that can elicit compassion, strengthen relationships, and offer an opportunity for both parents and children to emerge from a notoriously tumultuous chapter a little more grounded.

What do you do when your kid is being the bully?

Many of us may assume that kids who bully other kids don't have parents teaching them right from wrong, but that's not always true. While a dysfunctional home or lack of parental guidance can lead to bad behavior, even kids from solid families with attentive, conscientious parents can have lapses in judgment. Good kids can fall to peer pressure or "try on" certain behaviors that go against what their parents teach them.

Case in point: a parent who posted a message to a local message board explaining how they handled seeing their kids bullying another kid.

facebook, post, bullies, kids, parenting A parent shared this message on a local Facebook group.Via MothersMiIk/Reddit

The message was addressed to the parents of a junior high school student who might have come home "very distraught." She explained that he seemed to have some sort of hearing device and described where he was walking with his class.

"Just know that I am so sorry and that I see you," she wrote. "I witnessed my kids picking on your kid. I could see how angry he was. I stepped out of my vehicle as soon as I realized what was going on, and I intervened and I had his back. I have talked to my children. It won't happen again. Please tell your kiddo that we are so sorry, and expect an apology from my junior high-aged child tomorrow at school. We are not raising bullies here."

The screenshot shared on Reddit received praise from other parents in the comments:

"And that's the way you do it!! Good on you for teaching your child what is acceptable and what is not."

"Wish more parents were like this instead of making excuses or pretending their kids are angels. Takes guts to step up when you see your own child being awful."

good job, parents, mom, dad, parenting parenting moms GIF by Cat & Nat Giphy

"It’s rare but beautiful when parenting looks like accountability in real time."

"Parenting done right."

"Wife and I have told both our kids that if they are being bullied, then they have carte blanche to defend themselves, regardless of how the school wishes to punish them. However, if we learn THEY are being the bullies, then whatever punishment the school provides will be NOTHING on what they get at here at home."

"I’m so glad there’s parents like this. My 2 year old is deaf with a hearing device and facial differences caused by his genetic syndrome. I dread him going to school and getting bullied but this gives me hope that there is still good parents raising kids out there!"

parenting, raising good kids, bullies, bullying, kindness Strive to raise kind kids. Photo credit: Canva

There are several steps parents can take to prevent their children from becoming bullies, including teaching them the importance of kindness, fostering empathy, and modeling respectful treatment of others. However, proactive parenting doesn't always take hold, so parents must also be prepared for what to do if their child behaves in a manner that contradicts the way they've been taught.

Considering the fact that this parent didn't know who the picked-on kid or his parents were, this message being put out in a community forum was perfect. It included many great elements on how to handle this kind of situation: The parent took immediate action when they noticed what was happening. They supported the child who was being picked on. They acknowledged the emotion the child was feeling and recognized that the child's parents would be upset, too. They didn't defend their children, but explained what they were doing about what had happened and how they were ensuring it wouldn't happen again. And they apologized and ensured that appropriate in-person apologies would also take place.

Parenting isn't easy, and our kids can surprise us in both delightful and disturbing ways. It takes years of proactive and reactive effort to mold small humans into conscientious, contributing adults. None of us do it all perfectly, which is why it's nice to see a good, solid parenting example we can all learn something from.