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"80% less stress": Family with newborn reveals how life changed after they left America

"I went to eat with my baby at a restaurant in Spain and my baby started screaming..."

Canva Photos

One family says living abroad with young kids has massively reduced their stress.

Most burnt-out parents I know have at least toyed with the idea of moving far, far away. You can only handle so many news stories of school shootings or eroding child labor laws in the US before you seriously start to think about what life could be like elsewhere.

And it's not even necessarily these drastic issues that are so worrying. It's the day to day: the high cost of childcare and living, the extremely fast pace of American life, and being horribly anxious that taking your kids out in public will bother someone's peace and quiet. It's all a lot, and it's taking a serious toll on American parents' mental health.

Marae and Roger Torrelier hit a tipping point when their five-year-old was getting ready to start school in the US. The two had lived in several different states, including far-away Alaska, but they were finally ready to try a different way of life.

The family of four now live in Malaga, Spain with their older child and a baby. Marae has been documenting the journey on social media and how it differs from their experience living in America.

For starters, they say they're way more comfortable being out and about with their kids in public.

"[In the US] we've encountered venues that even refuse children, whereas in Europe and Asia, children are welcomed almost everywhere," mom told Newsweek.

The family has found their new home in Spain to be far more family- and kid-friendly, not just in the design and policies of the cities, but in the way strangers interact and respond to children.

"Playgrounds have cafés so you can have a coffee, a meal or drink while the kids play. People often interact with our kids with kindness, neighbors know them and ask about them."

I remember visiting Italy with my then-4-year-old and being amazed at how relaxed I felt sitting in a piazza having a glass of wine while she wandered and played in the busy square. It's still one of my top overall memories!

In one viral clip on the family's TikTok, Marae admits "I went to eat with my baby at a restaurant in Spain and my baby started screaming..." You know, baby does as babies do. But what the people around her did surprised the mom.

"The chef came out running to see 'the cute baby' and see if he could make her something to eat. Then he started showing her to the rest of the staff."

In the clip, the smiling chef can be seen playing with the baby before passing her off to another staff member, who is overjoyed to hold the little cutie.

@bravefamilytravel

The sweetest people 😭 #spaintravel #travelwithababy

"We’ve been outside of the US for less than a year and my stress levels have decreased by 80%," she writes in another post on Instagram.

In this clip, the family has popped on over to Italy for a visit, and a sweet old Italian man stops while passing by to smile and wave at the baby.

"When my baby cries I’m not afraid a stranger is gonna come and complain she’s being loud. Instead, they approach to see how they can help. When strangers approach I’m not afraid of what they’ll do but rather excited to see the interaction"

"This is the way it should be. We are social beings. This is the village. ... If you’re looking for a taste of what a child and family friendly society looks like, come to Italy."

There are a lot of things that make many other countries around the world, particularly in Europe, extremely appealing for families.

Kind people, and rude people, exist all over the world. Grumpy folks aren't unique to America. But some parts of the world just have better infrastructure for parents with young kids.

Places like Spain or Italy often have a slower way of life, more built-in time off for workers, better maternity and paternity leave, and childcare that is astronomically more affordable.

(In the United States, putting two or even just one child in full-time daycare so both parents can work costs about as much as a mortgage.)

@bravefamilytravel

we’ve been outside of the US for less than 2 months and my stress levels have decreased by 80%

Viewers and commenters love hearing about the family's journey, and have been quick to share their own stories of living and traveling abroad.

"In Singapore, the sweet Asian ladies took my baby out of my hands, a group of older women circled around her, and couldn’t believe she had blonde hair and blue eyes. It was absolutely such a sweet moment, and you could understand there was no threat."

"We hear a baby cry and we 1) Understand babies cry 2) Hope mum / dad isn't too stressed 3) we've all been there and 4) we remember our little ones"

"In italy we say "it takes a town to grow up a child". It's rare to see people not being kind to kids"

"You should visit Japan once. Babies are rare there because of population decline so they get such a celebrity status kinda love that its heart-rending."

@bravefamilytravel

Best decision ever 😂 says baby Atlas 👏

European countries aren't without their own problems. And believe it or not, there are lots of great communities and villages right here at home in America. You just have to put in a little extra effort to seek them out.

You may not feel comfortable letting your toddler loose in a busy city square here in America. But you can definitely cultivate a close group of family friends who live nearby, maybe even in walking distance.

And you can definitely be that person who offers to hold a crying baby or gives a reassuring smile to a tired parent who's worried they're bothering everyone.

You don't have to move halfway across the world to seek out a different way of life, or make a difference in other people's. But... it sure would be nice if America could make it a little easier sometimes.

As a parent, it's not always easy to know how to react in the moment.

As a parent, it's not always easy to know how to help your kids learn from life experiences. Some lessons they learn naturally and others they learn through parental guidance, but discerning which is which and how those things overlap can be challenging.

Kids don't come with instruction manuals, of course, but sometimes we see examples of great parenting we can point to and say, "AHA! That's how it's done."

good mom, good parentingIt's always good to see examples of stellar parenting.Giphy GIF by ABC Network

One such example comes from a dad named Robert. In 2022, he was teaching his 5-year-old daughter Aubrin to skateboard and set up a mini half pipe for her to learn on. In a video on Instagram, Robert shared an exchange he had with Aubrin after she crashed hard on the ramp during a lesson.

It's a sweet video that doubles as a masterclass in effective parenting. Robert communicates with a perfect blend of empathy, encouragement, and empowerment, which gives his daughter exactly what she needs to tackle her fears and persevere in what she wants to do.

Watch:

Even his initial question after she fell—"Did it scare you or did it hurt you?"—is helpful for making her more aware of what she's actually feeling as well as knowing how best to help her.

Seeing this gentle parenting scenario play out is just so heartwarming. (And if Aubrin's voice sounds familiar, you may have seen the viral "stuck-asaurus" video in which she offered delightfully colorful commentary while snowboarding in a dinosaur suit.)

Robert explained his thinking behind the way he responded to Aubrin's fall:

"Trying something new can be scary but re-trying something after slamming can be terrifying.

I had to re-gain her trust and she needed to re-establish her confidence after this slam and it was a tough but beautiful rollercoaster experience.

skateboarding girl, skateboard dadPractice makes perfect.Giphy

This is one of the biggest psychological battles we face as humans, because once that negative experience has made its home in our brain it’s very hard to get it out.

I know from intense personal experience that a bad fall can have long lasting [psychological] effects and truly believe, that when possible, it’s best to get back up and try it again with the goal being to end the session with a positive experience; to not have that negative memory ruminating in your head until the next time you return to try.

I’ve been asked a lot 'How do you know what to say in these moments?' and the truth is I absolutely don’t know what to say.

Seeing her slam sucks the air out of my lungs and my heart drops but I just try to stay calm and redirect with some questions or comments while surveying the situation. A parent's emotions (depending on how you instinctively react) will oftentimes influence the child’s emotional response and it’s my goal to remove my influence and allow her to just be, to feel, to hurt at her pace and it allows me to get a better reading of how she’s truly feeling in these pivotal moments.

dad on skateboard, kids skating, parentingParents often set the tone for how kids react.Photo credit: Canva

Ultimately I just respond from the heart. If you calmly lead with empathy and support without applying pressure you’ll do just fine."

Beautiful insight and advice. Unfortunately, many parents are raising kids while working through wounds from their own childhoods, and when you're battling parental instincts that aren't particularly healthy or helpful, having it all laid out like this is really valuable. Commenters on Instagram and Reddit have expressed how much they appreciate seeing supportive parenting in action.

"I actually got emotional watching this..." wrote one person. "I am learning so much from your posts!!! As someone whose parents led from a place of fear a lot of the time, this is showing me so much possibility of what the opposite can look like. Thank you for being so open, we are all made the better from it."

courage, parental encouragementEncouragement is part of how kids gain courage.Giphy Schitts Creek GIF by CBC

"I wish I had a dad like you growing up. She’s so lucky," wrote another.

"Made me smile and also as a grown ass man, gave me watery eyes - as someone that never had this kind of treatment growing up and kind of needed it - this is the kind of dad I will be if I ever meet someone and have kids," shared another.

Whether we were raised by gentle, supportive parents or the opposite, we can all recognize effective parenting when we see it. Thank you, Robert, for sharing such a stellar example we can all watch and learn from.

You can follow Robert and Aubrin's ongoing family adventures on Instagram (@chasing.sage).

This article originally appeared three years ago.

Parenting

Millennial dad of 3 unloads on boomer parents over their unreasonable holiday plans

"Yeah, not this time," he said. "I think for the holidays I'm just gonna stay in and relax."

via Canva/Photos
A Millennial dad has had it with his boomer dad's expectations.

The holidays are supposed to be a time for enjoying special moments with family, but often they become a source of stress. Traveling, navigating familial relationships and tensions, talking politics at the dinner table, and handling the all-encompassing issue of "presents" can wear down even the most patient and even-keeled person. It can be especially challenging for parents with young kids who are expected to travel long distances in the name of "family togetherness."

A TikTok video posted by @carrerasfam is going viral, with over 300,000 views, because so many millennial parents can relate to the frustration of grandparents having unrealistic expectations related to visiting with the kids.

In the satirical video, a husband stages a conversation with his "practically retired" baby boomer dad, in which he explains politely but firmly that he’s not taking his 3 young kids on a 400-mile drive to their house for the holidays.

Carerras Fam is a popular TikTok page about “all things postpartum and mamahood.” Together, the mom and dad share funny skits and slices of their life with three little ones.

The husband opens the conversation with his dad by explaining all the inconveniences of taking 3 young kids on a long road trip. “I know you want us to drive down for the holidays, but it's kinda ridiculous that you want me to pack my 3 kids with their portable beds with my clothes, their clothes, the formula, everything that goes on with raising 3 kids and having them feel comfortable. Drive down for over four hours just so that we could spend some time in your house?” the husband says while absurdist music plays in the background.


@carrerasfam

Sorry it’s just so much work. But you’re welcome to visit us #millennial #millennials #parents #parenting #parentsontiktok #boomers #millennials

It’s obviously inconvenient for the couple to pack up their kids and drive 4 hours, but it’s also unsafe because the house is not baby-proof. "I'm gonna have to run around, make sure that they don't break any of your stuff, and which you will 'take care of them,'” the husband continues using sarcastic air quotes. Most parents eventually realize that visiting with the kids does not equate to getting help with them — no, it means chasing them around frantically yourself until it's time to leave.

The dad brings up another great point: His parents are in good health, so why don’t they drive to their house? “You could visit. You don't have little kids,” the dad continues. “You don't have anything going on.

"Why is it that every time I have to make the effort for you, yet you can't do the most basic thing for me?”

millennials, baby boomers, parenting, dads, moms, babysitting, grandparents, parenting tips, family, love, kidsAll parents feel like this when it comes to spending time with the grands.Giphy

It’s clear from the phone call the dad understands that traveling with the kids and staying in a house that isn’t correctly set up for young kids will make the holiday a struggle. Instead of making memories, they’ll most likely be running around bent over trying to save their kids from breaking something or hanging out at Target buying electrical socket plugs and a bottle brush because they left theirs at home. What's especially frustrating is the pressure and expectations. Parents are often guilted for not wanting to pack up the the kids and travel, even though it's not hard to see why they hate it so much.

The video struck a chord with many millennial parents. Nearly 500,000 people watched the clip with hundreds and hundreds pouring in to vent their own similar frustrations.


@carrerasfam

Something needs to change #parenting #parents

“First holiday with a kid… parents are confused why I won’t drive 9 hours with a 3mnth old for Christmas,” too_many_catz writes.

“The ‘not baby proofed’ part hit my soullllllll. It’s so stressful having to chase your kids around and ask to close doors, move pictures, block stairs, etc. And nobody takes you seriously!" OhHeyItsIndy added.

It’s also expensive for young families to travel. “Add to it they want us to spend money on gas, airfare, etc. when we live paycheck to paycheck and rent while they own homes and live comfortably off a pension,” another user wrote.

"My mom asked me to drive 13 hours with our 2 month old…she doesn’t work and has flight points," one mom added.

This one hit hard: “They always act like you're asking the world of them, yet they will willingly go on any other vacation that they choose,” Mackenzie Byrne wrote.

"They can never make the trip for us but they can make them trips to Europe and cruises to the Caribbean," another user noted.

TX Travel Chick may have hit the nail on the head with her explanation for why boomer parents expect their children to road trip it to their house for the holidays. “Because we are used to following their orders!!! REVOLT,” she wrote.

millennials, baby boomers, parenting, dads, moms, babysitting, grandparents, parenting tips, family, love, kidsSee ya next year, grandpaGiphy

Ultimately, it would be interesting to learn why boomer parents want to inconvenience their kids when it would be much easier for them to take a trip to see them, especially if they can afford a hotel. One wonders if they are being entitled or if they’ve forgotten how hard it is to travel with young kids. In some cases, it's a little more complicated — many baby boomer grandparents are still working and have less time and resources than previous generations did to help with the kids.

"Yeah, not this time," the dad sums up in the video. "I think for the holidays I'm just gonna stay in and relax."

It's a hilarious and relatable video, but ultimately, it's a skit. The power of boomer-grandparent guilt remains undefeated in many households, so the smart money says the Carreras family sucked it up and traveled for the holidays despite their annoyance. Here's hoping that together, we can eventually break the generational curse when our kids become parents one day.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

Canva Photos

Is sitting on the bench at the playground "lazy parenting"?

I've been both parents in this situation: I've been the dad climbing up the playground with my kids, chasing them, making up silly games. And then I've also been the dad who just wants to sit on the bench and rest for a few minutes, and who groans when my 4-year-old decides she wants to take on the monkey bars and needs my help.

The former makes you feel like a million bucks, but is utterly exhausting. The latter comes with a ton of guilt. Where does the guilt come from? Why is there so much pressure to always be "on"? I have no idea, but it's suffocating. And some parents have had enough.

One mom is taking a stand against the judgment and internalized-guilt. She says it's more than fine to sit on the side and let your kids play independently.


moms, motherhood, parenting, mom shame, mom guilt, dads, fatherhood, kids, playground, play, independenceSome parents get accused of "not supervising" their kids when they're literally sitting 10 feet away. Photo by Oakville Dude on Unsplash

Amanda, a mom of three, recently posted a video on Instagram: "I saw a reel that said, 'parents at the park should get off the bench and play with their kids...' NO" the caption read.

"God forbid we ... let the playground be for kids ... a space where they get to experience some freedom, explore, interact and engage with other children without their parent breathing down their neck," she writes in the post.

Amanda adds that the advice to "get off the bench" came from a parenting influencer she usually really likes and who has helped her come up with new ideas to connect with her kids. But it shows how deeply-ingrained the pressure really is when even the "good" parenting experts are anti-rest and pro-hyper-involvement.

"I’m just highlighting here that ITS OKAY if you don’t want to be the adult scaling the playground!!" Amanda says. "Didn’t think this was a controversial take but I’ve said it before on here and have been called lazy."


Surprisingly, users were split on Amanda's "hot take," and were pretty heated about it themselves. Over 1.2 million people watched the video and thousands chimed in with their thoughts on the matter.

Many agreed that it was ridiculous to hold parents to the always-on standard.

"That was definitely said by a non parent who probably got ten hours of sleep. The audacity"

"Those of us who are SAHMs go ri the playground for a mother freakin BREAK"

"I tell my kids all the time: 'Go play with your brothers, that’s why I made more than 1 of you' I’m here to sip my coffee and talk to my friends"

"solo mother to toddler triplets here. It has taken me 3 1/2 years to get to the point I can actually sit down at the park. I’d love someone to say that to my face while I take the ONLY 5 minute break I get in my day"

"This! There is an over correction in the parenting these days. This gen of parents wants so barely to not be the absentee parents of yesteryear that they over parent and are over involved"

Some parents had safety concerns about not being "right there" in case something were to happen.

"I hear you but sometimes my toddler wants to play on the bigger structure and I just stand below making sure he doesn't jump off the high platforms"

"I wish, my anxiety is too bad 😂 I’m working on it."

"Maybe when they stop making playgrounds with random drop offs I can be chill enough to sit down."

"Parents need to get off their phones. I'm tired of having to tell someone else's kid to stop throwing sand cuz their mommy cares more about their phone than their kid."

(Whether being on your phone while your kid plays within eye-and-ear-shot is inherently bad is another discussion we need to have.)

A few commenters brought up an even greater point: It's about more than just mom and dad getting a break. It's about giving kids an opportunity to practice independence.

"As a mom of two, I’ve learned there’s so much value in giving kids space to play, explore, and even figure things out without us constantly hovering. It doesn’t mean we’re lazy, it means we trust their independence and know our own nervous systems matter too. We need more conversations like this"

"Let them be bored. Let them get creative. Let them make new friends. Their parent is not their court jester. The playground is meant for children to play, not the parents."

In fact, a key element of the popular and scientifically-validated Montessori method is that children should never be interrupted when playing or focusing on an activity.

"When children are engaged in interesting activities, they are simultaneously practicing their ability to remain engaged, to attend to other activities and to manage multiple stimuli without losing the capacity to concentrate on one. For parents, supporting children’s developing concentration means, first, giving them the opportunity to concentrate without interruption," writes Raintree Montessori.

Many well-regarded educational philosophies center on child-led learning, independence, and allowing children room to flex their creativity and play the way they want. Kids without an opportunity to learn and practice independence early have been shown to have worse outcomes later in life.

Why do millennial parents feel so much pressure to be hyper-involved?


moms, motherhood, parenting, mom shame, mom guilt, dads, fatherhood, kids, playground, play, independenceIt's hard for parents to let go, but kids need chances to practice doing things on their own. Photo by Myles Tan on Unsplash

Gen X and certainly Boomer parents did not feel the same way. Many of them were and are more than content to let their kids run free without nearly as much supervision — for better or worse.

Maybe we've just seen too many influencers wagging their fingers at us, having grown up on social media. We've seen too many news stories about kidnapping and other bad actors stalking public parks. We've seen the horrible injuries and accidents amplified by social algorithms that feed on fear and anger. And so we "helicopter." Not to be controlling, but to be protective.

Bit by bit, though, the public conversation is changing. Parents are being encouraged more and more to let go, just a little bit.

It's such a fine line, though. Many parents hover over their kids on the playground precisely because of potential dangers, bullying, or negative interactions with other kids. And who wouldn't do anything in the world to protect their child?! But it's also more than OK for a parent to consider that a crucial part of the independence lesson. Sometimes it's good for kids to work out conflicts on their own! It's even good for them to push their limits too far and fall down!

Ultimately, you don't have to be a "play" parent or a "bench" parent. You can choose for yourself based on your child, what he or she needs, and what the situation calls for. In the end, there should be a lack of judgment whatever you choose.