Jeff Nobbs is the co-founder and CEO of Zero Acre Farms. Jeff writes about health, nutrition, and sustainability at jeffnobbs.com and @jeffnobbs.
Today, vegetable oils make up 20% of our daily calories and are the most consumed food in the world, after rice and wheat. Put simply, vegetable oils are everywhere, from nearly all packaged foods like chips, crackers, salad dressings, and coffee creamers to most restaurant meals, whether it’s fast food or Michelin-starred.
Oils extracted from crops like sunflower, soybean, palm, and canola were only widely introduced to our diets in the last century and have experienced a meteoric rise in prevalence. In the United States, the consumption of soybean oil alone has grown 1,000-fold since the early 20th century.
In fact, the single greatest change in the human diet since the onset of widespread chronic illness and obesity is our increased consumption of vegetable oils. While diet-related chronic diseases were once rare, 60% of Americans now have a chronic disease such as diabetes or heart disease.
Vegetable oils, which contain high levels of omega-6 fats, have been linked to a laundry list of health issues, including inflammation, obesity, heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and more. Meanwhile, vegetable oils are leading drivers of mass deforestation, biodiversity loss, soil erosion, water consumption, and other environmental problems.
The solution to the massive problem of vegetable oil production and consumption may lie in the ancient culinary art of fermentation. While fermentation has been used for thousands of years to produce foods like cheese, wine, yogurt, and bread, some companies are using fermentation to make healthier oils and fats, with a fraction of the environmental footprint. Cultured Oil from Zero Acre Farms is one such product.
Just as there are microbial communities, like sourdough and wine cultures, which convert sugars into entirely new foods, there are also oil cultures. An oil culture converts sugar into the healthy fats that make up products like Cultured Oil.
While vegetable oils introduced unprecedented levels of omega-6 fats, which have been linked to health issues, companies like Zero Acre Farms are taking cues from what humans evolved to eat.
Thanks to fermentation, companies like Zero Acre Farms can produce environmentally-friendly oils with extremely low amounts of the inflammatory fat omega-6, and high amounts of the healthy fats that humans have eaten for hundreds of thousands of years. Products produced by fermentation, like Cultured Oil, for example, contain higher levels of heart-healthy monounsaturated fats that have always been abundant in our diets and are routinely shown to improve health outcomes in human studies.
The beauty of fermentation is in its ability to displace vegetable oils at scale by delivering products that are better than vegetable oils in every way. That means products that aren’t just healthier or more sustainable but also better for our taste buds, home cooks, chefs, and ultimately our wallets.
The online launch of Cultured Oil, and the use of fermentation as a tool to produce healthier, more sustainable oils and fats, marks an important step towards a healthier world, free from destructive vegetable oils.
In March 2023, after months of preparation and paperwork, Anita Omary arrived in the United States from her native Afghanistan to build a better life. Once she arrived in Connecticut, however, the experience was anything but easy.
“When I first arrived, everything felt so strange—the weather, the environment, the people,” Omary recalled. Omary had not only left behind her extended family and friends in Afghanistan, she left her career managing child protective cases and supporting refugee communities behind as well. Even more challenging, Anita was five months pregnant at the time, and because her husband was unable to obtain a travel visa, she found herself having to navigate a new language, a different culture, and an unfamiliar country entirely on her own.
“I went through a period of deep disappointment and depression, where I wasn’t able to do much for myself,” Omary said.
Then something incredible happened: Omary met a woman who would become her close friend, offering support that would change her experience as a refugee—and ultimately the trajectory of her entire life.
Understanding the journey
Like Anita Omary, tens of thousands of people come to the United States each year seeking safety from war, political violence, religious persecution, and other threats. Yet escaping danger, unfortunately, is only the first challenge. Once here, immigrant and refugee families must deal with the loss of displacement, while at the same time facing language barriers, adapting to a new culture, and sometimes even facing social stigma and anti-immigrant biases.
Welcoming immigrant and refugee neighbors strengthens the nation and benefits everyone—and according to Anita Omary, small, simple acts of human kindness can make the greatest difference in helping them feel safe, valued, and truly at home.
A warm welcome
Dee and Omary's son, Osman
Anita Omary was receiving prenatal checkups at a woman’s health center in West Haven when she met Dee, a nurse.
“She immediately recognized that I was new, and that I was struggling,” Omary said. “From that moment on, she became my support system.”
Dee started checking in on Omary throughout her pregnancy, both inside the clinic and out.
“She would call me and ask am I okay, am I eating, am I healthy,” Omary said. “She helped me with things I didn’t even realize I needed, like getting an air conditioner for my small, hot room.”
Soon, Dee was helping Omary apply for jobs and taking her on driving lessons every weekend. With her help, Omary landed a job, passed her road test on the first attempt, and even enrolled at the University of New Haven to pursue her master’s degree. Dee and Omary became like family. After Omary’s son, Osman, was born, Dee spent five days in the hospital at her side, bringing her halal food and brushing her hair in the same way Omary’s mother used to. When Omary’s postpartum pain became too great for her to lift Osman’s car seat, Dee accompanied her to his doctor’s appointments and carried the baby for her.
“Her support truly changed my life,” Omary said. “Her motivation, compassion, and support gave me hope. It gave me a sense of stability and confidence. I didn’t feel alone, because of her.”
More than that, the experience gave Omary a new resolve to help other people.
“That experience has deeply shaped the way I give back,” she said. “I want to be that source of encouragement and support for others that my friend was for me.”
Extending the welcome
Omary and Dee at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Vision Awards ceremony at the University of New Haven.
Omary is now flourishing. She currently works as a career development specialist as she continues her Master’s degree. She also, as a member of the Refugee Storytellers Collective, helps advocate for refugee and immigrant families by connecting them with resources—and teaches local communities how to best welcome newcomers.
“Welcoming new families today has many challenges,” Omary said. “One major barrier is access to English classes. Many newcomers, especially those who have just arrived, often put their names on long wait lists and for months there are no available spots.” For women with children, the lack of available childcare makes attending English classes, or working outside the home, especially difficult.
Omary stresses that sometimes small, everyday acts of kindness can make the biggest difference to immigrant and refugee families.
“Welcome is not about big gestures, but about small, consistent acts of care that remind you that you belong,” Omary said. Receiving a compliment on her dress or her son from a stranger in the grocery store was incredibly uplifting during her early days as a newcomer, and Omary remembers how even the smallest gestures of kindness gave her hope that she could thrive and build a new life here.
“I built my new life, but I didn’t do it alone,” Omary said. “Community and kindness were my greatest strengths.”
Are you in? Click here to join the Refugee Advocacy Lab and sign the #WeWillWelcome pledge and complete one small act of welcome in your community. Together, with small, meaningful steps, we can build communities where everyone feels safe.
This article is part of Upworthy’s “The Threads Between U.S.” series that highlights what we have in common thanks to the generous support from the Levi Strauss Foundation, whose grantmaking is committed to creating a culture of belonging.
As workers struggle to land good jobs and employers struggle to find ideal candidates in the ever-changing job market, a new trend is emerging. Many applicants are turning to artificial intelligence to give them an edge—with mixed results at best. Because interviews are one of the most stressful parts of the job search, it’s become common for folks to input questions into ChatGPT to find the “perfect” response. However, a former recruiter warns that this is a bad idea, noting that you end up “sounding so fake” when using it.
Former recruiter turned career coach Madeline Mann showed an example of why ChatGPT shouldn’t be used to answer written interview questions. In a TikTok video, Mann shared a ChatGPT response to the question, “Why did you leave your last role?” ChatGPT replied with the following:
“I decided to move from independent work to a team environment so I can build deeper lifecycle expertise and learn from a strong mission-driven leadership team.”
It is common to use AI to help write your job interview answers, but often they are sounding too verbose and not human. If you are reading your interview answers from a script, you are likely to be rejected in the job interview and not get the job offer. Here is an example of how to sound more normal and like a coworker during a hiring process. Follow for more job interview tips, and job search strategies! #jobsearch#jobsearchtips#jobinterviewtips#jobinterview
Did that sound like something a human would say? Mann argued that ChatGPT used so much professional jargon that it sounded like a robot wrote it (because it did). Mann said that in interviews, it’s best to “sound like a coworker.”
“If you do not already sound like their coworker, they will have trouble picturing you as their coworker, and they won’t give you the job offer,” said Mann.
Mann said that a better response would be a quick and simple: “After freelancing for X years, I really missed being on a team.” She said that a reply like that is sincere, direct, and more like how a person would normally speak to a coworker. She added that if you were to use AI for interview responses, you should edit them down and remove any “bungle” to “talk like a person.”
Upworthy spoke to AI pros, business leaders, and recruiters about using artificial intelligence for job interviews. The majority arrived at the same conclusion: If you choose to use AI, it can be a useful tool for interview preparation. However, it shouldn’t sub in to do the actual interview for you.
“AI can be a useful tool for preparing for an interview,” said Megan Sweeney, public relations director at the American Staffing Association. “However, at the end of the day, the interviewer still needs to know you’re capable of doing the job.”
“If a company requests written interview questions, then using AI as a starting point is fair game in my book,” said Russell Taris, an expert on how managers can best use AI in the workplace. “The key statement, though, is ‘as a starting point.’”
“Candidates should use AI to organize their thoughts and firm up their language, but the examples and experiences need to be their own,” said Taris. “Managers can now tell right away when someone submits a response straight from ChatGPT without any editing. Smart candidates use AI the way you’d use a good friend who happens to be a great editor.”
Authenticity is key
“The problem is being authentic,” said Magical Brands CEO Mark Coffie. “Candidates who prepare and deliver scripted, overly polished answers tend to fail when asked questions spontaneously. You can use AI to outline your ideas but speak and answer questions in your own voice. That’s different from reading something generated. Interviews are a testing of judgment, communication, and problem-solving…Technology cannot substitute for that.”
“Using AI to pressure test your answers ahead of time can truly benefit candidates,” said Taris. “Run your ‘Why did you leave your last role?’ answer through it and ask it to poke holes, or practice your ‘greatest weakness’ answer until it’s specific and honest. The best answers I hear in interviews aren’t the most polished; they’re the ones where the candidate clearly thought it through beforehand and can go deeper, if needed. AI is one of the best prep tools available right now, and most candidates aren’t taking advantage of it.”
“Using AI for interview prep is helpful, but you will be the one being evaluated,” concluded Sweeney.
You might be shocked to learn that many people don’t like making small talk. Surprise, right? They either believe it’s beneath them to talk about mundane subjects or don’t see the benefit of discussing the weather, sports, or television with people they hardly know.
However, these folks are missing a very valuable form of interaction that can help them with their love lives, friendships, and careers. They also remove themselves from situations where they can elevate small talk to something more valuable and meaningful.
Jefferson Fisher, a Texas personal injury attorney and communications expert, has become massively popular on Instagram—with nearly 6 million followers—for sharing tips “to help people argue less and talk more.” While promoting his new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, Fisher discussed the number one problem people have while making small talk.
What’s the biggest mistake people make during small talk?
“They unknowingly turn the conversation back to themselves too quickly,” Fisher tells Parade. “It’s a natural impulse—we want to relate, to show we understand. But what often happens is that we hijack the conversation.”
“For example, someone says, ‘I just got back from a trip to Italy,’ and instead of asking about their experience, we jump in with, ‘Oh, I’ve been to Italy several times, it’s great.’ It’s well-meaning, but it can come across as dismissive,” Fisher said. “Instead, focus on them. Ask open-ended questions like, ‘That’s wonderful, what was your favorite part?’ Small talk isn’t about impressing people, it’s about making them feel seen and heard.”
Fisher’s advice echoes that of the great Dale Carnegie, author of the 1936 classicHow to Win Friends and Influence People. In the book, Carnegie says, “To be interesting, be interested.” Carnegie’s advice is counterintuitive because we are taught to believe that being likable means dominating conversations and entertaining the other person. However, Carnegie thinks that people who are generous listeners tend to make a better first impression.
How to be more likable
Researchers at Harvard University found that when you ask someone a question, people will like you more if, after they answer, you ask them two more follow-up questions. So, if you ask, “Where did you go last summer?” And they reply, Italy, you can follow that up with two questions about their favorite city and the restaurant they’ll never forget. Then, you can tell them that you’ve been there, too.
“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study’s authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”
People will take a shine to you after you ask a few questions because it shows that you are listening and interested in what they say. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.
While at first, it may take a little practice to ask follow-up questions instead of turning the conversation to your experiences and opinions, it should take some pressure off the need to be interesting. Now, instead of trying to wow people with your stories, all you have to do is listen to theirs, and they’ll like you all the more for it.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
In the latest season of the popular reality game showThe Traitors, Rob Rausch emerged as the winner and the sole surviving Traitor. One reason he won was because he was able to see through the lies of his fellow competitors. A body language expert explained how Rausch was able to read people and win the entire cash prize.
Vanessa Van Edwards said that Rausch was able to discern who was lying to him and who was telling the truth while showing a clip from the show. In the Traitors clip, Rausch explained his strategy for trying to win the dagger prize through a game that required him to find who had it by asking questions.
Rausch explained that he was able to be a “human lie detector.” He would ask questions that he already knew the answers to and monitor his competitors’ responses. He would then ask whether the person had the dagger, watching how they responded to determine whether they were lying. After observing competitor Natalie Anderson’s responses, Rausch concluded that she was lying and had the dagger.
On TikTok, Van Edwards explained that Rausch was using a technique called “baselining.” Baselining involves making mental notes of a person’s baseline behaviors when they are speaking comfortably and truthfully. If you notice a person displaying atypical behavior when answering a question, it could be a sign that they’re lying, uncomfortable, or conveying a specific nonverbal response.
For example, if a person who doesn’t normally touch others when speaking to them suddenly touches you, that could indicate extra interest. In contrast, if someone who is known for touching people while speaking to them doesn’t touch you, they could be hiding something. In the case of The Traitors, Van Edwards said Rausch interpreted Anderson’s lip purse in response to his question as an indication that she was lying.
How baselining can help day-to-day life
Being able to baseline a person’s behavior can be helpful both professionally and personally. Professionals consider it one of the cornerstones of negotiation in business because both sides of a deal are likely withholding information. Much like in a game of poker, business professionals aren’t showing their “full hand” and are looking for “tells” before contracts are signed.
In terms of home life, baselining a family member can be especially helpful when communicating with children. This isn’t in a business negotiation or interrogation sense, though. Noticing a loved one’s common behaviors when speaking and seeing aberrations could indicate that something is wrong. You could approach them privately to ask if anything is making them feel uncomfortable and offer help. This way, you’re spotting their lies not to confront them, but to let them know they’re seen and that you’re someone they can trust.
Here’s something we all know but rarely think about: 75% of the human body is made up of water. Essentially, we’re water balloons with legs, or whatever the heck Flubber was.
But what if you’ve been drinking water, that sweet elixir of life, all wrong? Or, at the very least, ineffectively? Just as every plant has its ideal growing conditions, according to doctors and medical professionals, the temperature of the water we drink matters a lot more than you might think.
Room-temperature, ice-cold and straight from the fridge, slightly warm for no reason at all: when it comes to drinking water, everyone has their own unique methods of getting the job done. But while we continue to chug our preferred water temperatures without question, we might be missing out on some serious health benefits—or even causing ourselves unnecessary discomfort.
Medical experts have discovered that water temperature, when used at the right time, can significantly improve your wellbeing, affecting everything from how we digest our food to how well we perform during workouts. All water hydrates, but the temperature at which you drink it can make all the difference.
Room-temperature water is your digestive system’s best friend
Good morning! Many dieticians and wellness experts recommend drinking room-temperature water (about 68°F) first thing in the morning to gently activate your gastrointestinal tract (It also promotes regular bowel movements, FYI). This gentle approach is often referred to as “Japanese water therapy,” and encourages sipping 4-5 glasses (about ¾-cup each) upon waking then waiting 45 minutes before breakfast. It’s also great for everyday hydration, since room-temperature water is often easier to gulp.
Why it works
“In Chinese medicine we advocate drinking warm water because of its effect on the digestive system,” Dr. Jill Blakeway, a licensed doctor of acupuncture and Chinese medicine, explains. “Drinking cold water can congeal the fats in food and because of that can make the digestive system sluggish.”
Your body absorbs room-temperature water more easily, causing minimal disruption to the digestive system, making it the go-to option for sensitive stomachs.
Ice-cold water is perfect for workouts and hot days
This one is for the athletes and fitness gurus: Cold water (around 41°F from the fridge or 60°F from the tap) is your new best friend. Like a refreshing summer breeze, cold water has a natural way of cooling the body down during or after an exercise. It also gives your metabolism a tiny boost: according to research, your body expends about five calories per ounce of ice while warming the water to body temperature.
Why it works
Studies show that drinking cold water triggers a special reflex that helps you to stop sweating sooner, effectively lowering your core temperature and enhancing overall performance.
“It turns out that sweating stops before fluid can completely be incorporated into the body,” says gastroenterologist Dr. Brian Weiner. “There’s some kind of reflex that acknowledges liquid intake, and studies have shown that it kicks in more at the cold tap water level.”
Hot water (130-160°F) can be incredibly soothing when you’re under the weather. So, if you’re feeling congested or battling a sore throat, a nice mug of hot water might be just what the doctor ordered. A 2008 study found that hot drinks work like a natural remedy, providing quick, lasting relief from runny noses, coughing, sore throats, and fatigue.
Why it works
Like a warm summer rain, hot water creates steam that helps clear sinus congestion, while its pacifying warmth relaxes the gastrointestinal and digestive muscles. In fact, a small study showed that warm water worked wonders for patients recovering from surgery, improving their comfort and digestive health.
Warm or hot water can also literally melt away stress, as long as temperatures are kept comfortably warm: water above 160°F can scald your esophagus or damage your taste buds.
Migraines. Do not drink cold water! Research from 2001 found that the refreshing drink can trigger—or even exacerbate—headaches in those who are already prone to them.
Achalasia. If your esophagus is compromised, cold water can worsen symptoms. Try swapping in warm water instead, which can help soothe and relax the lower esophageal sphincter.
Hot, sweaty days. Surprisingly, despite what old wives’ tales might say, warm water can actually make you feel less thirsty, which registered dietician Vanessa Rissetto warns “can be dangerous on days when your body is losing water through sweating to try to keep cool.”
We all know drinking water is important, but just as a garden thrives with the right care at the right time, you can optimize and customize that all-essential water you drink throughout the day. Whether that’s out of a Stanley tumbler, Owala water bottle, or Yeti flask, is up to you.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
There seem to be two different ways of thinking about who we are attracted to, whether it’s in a romantic or a social relationship. Is it that opposites attract, or do birds of a feather flock together? The evidence overwhelmingly shows that likability has much more to do with what we share with others than with the traits that set us apart.
In fact, a 2023 study from the University of Colorado Boulder found that historically, romantic couples tend to share between 82% and 89% of the same personality traits.
“Our findings demonstrate that birds of a feather are indeed more likely to flock together,” said study author Tanya Horwitz, a doctoral candidate in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience and the Institute for Behavioral Genetics, in a press release.
“How can we use the similarity-attraction effect to be more likable? Easy. You want to highlight your similarities. Here’s how to do this in an authentic way,” Van Edwards says in her video before sharing her three-step process:
Step 1: Search for similarities
“When you first meet someone, you should constantly be on the lookout for similarities. Are you both drinking red wine? Do you both know the host from work? Do you both love Thai food? Orient your first few conversational topics to find mutual likes and dislikes.”
Step 2: Capitalize on similarities
“Once you find a similarity, don’t let it pass you by. For example, if they think cilantro tastes like soap—because it does—share in the grossness. Double down on that disgusting little herb by saying, ‘Oh yeah, cilantro is the silent food killer. I’m totally on the same page.’ I’m a big fan of the high five, too. If I hear someone also loves Seinfeld, I’m like, ‘High five.’”
Step 3: Extend similarities
“This means using the similarity as a conversational diving board. If you both love watching soccer, ask if they’ve ever played. If they’re big into hiking, ask for their favorite trail and maybe throw out an option to go hike together. This builds on the similarity-attraction effect and creates rapport.”
It’s also important that when we meet people, we ask them about their likes and dislikes, because one of the quickest tricks to being likable when you meet someone new is to ask plenty of questions. Harvard University performed a study and found that after you ask someone the first question, ask two follow-ups, and they’ll be much more likely to like you. Studies show that the most likable people like others.
Now, for a tongue-twister takeaway from this likability story: We like people who are like us, and we also like people who like us. “So get real on what you love, and then highlight that love in other people,” Van Edwards says at the end of her video.
Building healthy relationships starts with having good social skills. Feeling confident jumping into casual conversations and small talk can take practice—especially for people dealing with social anxiety.
But mastering social skills at work and with friends can help you better engage with people and connect in an authentic way, avoiding feelings of awkwardness and self-consciousness.
To help people struggling with their social skills, self-described “recovering awkward person” and behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards shared her best advice in a YouTube video. Van Edwards describes social skills as the “tools we use to communicate, relate, and build relationships.”
She explains the 14 different types of social skills to help people better understand where their strengths lie and how to capitalize on them to make interactions with others feel natural and effortless.
“I want you to think of social skills differently,” says Van Edwards. “Not all social skills are created equal. There are 14 different ways we can be likable, authentic, and charismatic.”
Skill #1: Linchpin
Van Edwards describes the Linchpin social skill as “the gatherer.”
“You are the social glue,” she says. “What’s really great about you is that typically you are a bridge.”
These are the characteristics of a Linchpin:
I am the glue that holds my social group together.
As a team member, I’m involved in lots of projects, bringing ideas and people together.
I am the only person who talks to everyone in my family.
Skill #2: Conversationalist
Van Edwards describes the Conversationalist social skill as someone with the “gift of gab” who is good at small talk.
These are the characteristics of a Conversationalist:
You have been told you are a great conversationalist.
You are good at both leading and facilitating deep conversations.
You speak articulately and can easily express yourself.
Skill #3: Comedian
Van Edwards notes that the Comedian is great at presenting, leading meetings, being a host, and “making people feel at ease.”
These are the characteristics of a Comedian:
I am funny.
I love to make people laugh.
I can always see the bright side of any situation.
“What we don’t realize is that we are speaking all the time,” says Van Edwards—from giving directions to telling a story.
These are the characteristics of a Speaker:
I can captivate an audience.
I love being on stage or leading a meeting (even on video!).
I love writing speeches, giving toasts, and delivering presentations.
Skill #5: Influencer
Van Edwards says the Influencer social skill is especially helpful in business.
“You have no problem talking about who you are and what you do,” she says, adding that Influencers are good at expressing ideas and getting people to agree with them.
These are the characteristics of an Influencer:
People typically listen to what I have to say.
I can be very persuasive.
I am good at pitching myself.
Skill #6: Listener
Van Edwards notes that this is the social skill she struggles with most, adding that she is highly “neurotic.”
“I’m always so worried there is going to be an awkward silence,” she says. “So the moment there is any kind of break, I try to hop in and make sure people are okay.”
To help with this, she took an eight-day “vow of silence,” which she says helped her become a better Listener.
These are the characteristics of a Listener:
People always come to you to vent, complain, or talk about their problems.
You tend to listen more than you talk.
You are very good at being fully present with people and giving them your full attention.
Skill #7: Magnet
“Very few people have this social skill. They’re just attractors,” says Van Edwards. “The moment they walk into a room, people are just drawn to them.”
These are the characteristics of a Magnet:
People usually like you.
You are charismatic and authentic.
People find you approachable and warm.
Skill #8: Storyteller
Van Edwards says that people who are good at storytelling can leverage this skill into toasts, presentations, and speeches.
These are the characteristics of a Storyteller:
I always have a story to share.
I save and remember good stories.
People always ask me to give toasts or introduce people.
Skill #9: Nurturer
“When you are a Nurturer, you cannot help it,” says Van Edwards. “You want to nurture everyone and everything. You’re always worried about others more than yourself.”
She adds that the danger of this includes “having trouble saying no. You probably have trouble setting boundaries. And you might have difficult or toxic people in your life that you have trouble getting rid of.”
These are the characteristics of a Storyteller:
You love taking care of people.
You tend to be a people-pleaser and have trouble saying “no.”
You are very empathetic and compassionate.
Skill #10: Decoder
“Decoders are sleuths,” says Van Edwards. “You’re super perceptive. You’re typically good at reading between the lines.”
These are the characteristics of a Decoder:
I am very perceptive.
I can usually tell what people are thinking and feeling.
“Leaders typically are good at influencing, but they’re even better at seeing an entire team or family or group and taking the pulse of [it] and trying to guide to one direction,” says Van Edwards.
These are the characteristics of a Leader:
I like to empower others.
People often come to me for guidance.
I am better at giving directions than following them.
Skill #12: Connector
“Connectors are good at knowing who should know who, and are very good at building a very robust network that you can rely on,” says Van Edwards.
These are the characteristics of a Connector:
I spend a lot of time and effort networking with others.
I am good at building relationships with influential people.
I have developed a large network of colleagues and associates whom I can call on for support when I really need to get things done.
Skill #13: Dreambuilder
“Dreambuilders are often cheerleader types, so they’re really positive and really optimistic,” says Van Edwards. “You’re really good at encouraging and appreciating people.”
These are the characteristics of a Dreambuilder:
You are great at solving people’s problems.
You love to encourage people.
You are known as a fixer.
Skill #14: Chameleon
“If you are a Chameleon, you are great at adapting yourself,” says Van Edwards. “You’re probably the person who has a little bit of everything [social skills].”
Visualize this: your boss suddenly turns to you in a meeting and asks, “What do you think?” Your mind goes blank. You were paying attention, but being put on the spot feels intense. Your heart pounds. You try to respond, unsure of what to say, and then replay the moment in your mind for the next hour.
Luckily, Abrahams has spent his career studying what happens in these high-pressure moments and, more importantly, how we can handle them well. He’s not only an academic; he also coaches some of the world’s top speakers, including executives, Nobel Prize presenters, and TED Talk headliners.
Let’s look at how this six-step system works in real situations.
Mindset: How to stop holding yourself back
The first four steps of Abrahams’ system are about what happens in your mind before you say anything.
Step 1: Calm–Tame your anxiety
Anxiety isn’t a personal weakness; it’s part of being human. Abrahams explains that our fear of speaking in front of others comes from evolution. It’s a reaction that started when our place in a group was important for survival. Knowing this may not stop your sweaty palms, but it can help you see the experience differently.
Still, anxiety feels very real. To help with it, Abrahams tackles both the symptoms and the causes. For the symptoms, he suggests deep belly breathing, making your exhale twice as long as your inhale. He calls this the “rule of lung.” For example, breathe in for three counts and out for six. Try this a few times before an important meeting or when you expect questions. The longer exhale helps your body relax.
Anxiety comes from worrying about what might happen. The best way to fight it is to stay present. Abrahams suggests using tongue twisters, counting backward from 100 by 17s, or greeting people before you speak. These tricks keep you focused on the moment, so there’s less room to worry about what could go wrong.
Step 2: Unlock–Aim for “good enough”
This part often surprises people. Abrahams tells his Stanford MBA students to “strive for mediocrity so that you can achieve greatness.” Most of them are shocked when they hear this.
His reason makes sense. When you try to speak perfectly, part of your mind is talking while another part is judging you. This inner critic uses up your mental energy. Abrahams borrows from improv and says to “dare to be dull.” Lowering the pressure helps you get unstuck. Once you start talking, your confidence and momentum grow.
Step 3: Redefine–See problems as opportunities
For most people, public speaking feels like a test you either pass or fail. Abrahams suggests a new way to look at it: “We have to see these situations as opportunities, not threats.”
Changing your mindset makes a big difference. A question from the audience becomes an occasion to connect. An unexpected follow-up in a meeting is an opportunity to show what you know. Abrahams also cites the “Yes, And” idea from improv, which means accepting what’s happening and building on it instead of fighting it.
Step 4: Listen–Pace, space, grace
Listening well before you respond is one of the most overlooked communication skills. Abrahams uses a framework from his colleague, Collins Dobbs, called “pace, space, grace.”
Listening well before you respond is one of the most overlooked communication skills. Photo credit: Canva
Pace explains the benefits of holding back before answering. Most of us start thinking of our answer before the other person is done talking. Space is about giving yourself a moment, maybe by asking a clarifying question or repeating what you heard before you reply. Grace is about trusting your gut. Sometimes, people don’t need an answer—they need to be acknowledged, supported, or just have a different kind of conversation. Learning to detect this is a valuable skill.
Messaging: Deciding what to say and how to say it
Once you have the right mindset, the next two steps help you figure out what to say.
Step 5: Structure – Organize your thoughts on the fly
This is where Abrahams’ approach gets really useful. He believes that if you know the basic outline of your answer ahead of time, you can focus on incorporating details that matter to you.
To help you speak off the cuff, he suggests a simple three-part structure: “What? So what? Now what?” This method helps you organize your thoughts clearly, even when you’re caught off guard.
First, state your main idea, position, or key information. (What?)
Next, explain why it matters to your audience. (So what?)
Finally, suggest what should happen next or what action to take. (Now what?)
This structure isn’t a script—it’s sort of like a recipe. You bring the ideas, and the framework helps you put them together.
Step 6: Focus – Get to the point
Be explicit and direct about your purpose. Abrahams shares his mother’s advice: “Tell me the time, don’t build me the clock.” In other words, when someone asks a question, they want the answer, not the whole backstory.
To stay on track, Abrahams suggests asking yourself before you speak: What do I want this person to understand? How do I want them to feel? What do I want them to do? This three-part goal—”know, feel, do”—helps you avoid rambling. When you have a clear goal, you get to the point faster.
This means practicing out loud, not just in your head. It also helps to record yourself and watch the video, since there’s often a difference between how we think we sound and how others see us. Ask for honest feedback, not just reassurance.
He recommends building a “communication pantry“—a set of stories, examples, and facts you can use when you need them. The more you have ready, the easier it is to respond on the spot.
Improving one discussion at a time
What’s great about Abrahams’ approach is that you don’t have to pretend to be someone else. Instead, use what you already have—your knowledge, experience, and real desire to connect—so you can rely on those strengths even when you’re under pressure.
Abrahams often says “connection over perfection,” which is a helpful signal of what really matters. The goal of speaking off the cuff isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be present, helpful, and real. When you stop worrying about performing and focus on the person you’re talking to, you actually get better at it.
Start small. Before your next meeting, take three deep breaths. Pick a simple structure, like “what, so what, now what,” and give it a try. Notice what happens. Like any skill, you’ll get better with practice, one discussion at a time.
A significant part of adulthood is realizing that many uncomfortable truths are indeed real, even if we wish they weren’t. At first, these harsh truths may dampen our spirits and make us feel that the world is a bit colder. However, understanding some of life’s hard lessons opens us up to greater possibilities and can help us overcome the obstacles holding us back.
Harsh truths help us realize when relationships aren’t as great as they can be. They also prevent us from having too much faith in people and institutions that will ultimately disappoint us. Knowing dark truths can also help us appreciate the things that are truly beautiful, honest, and good. A Redditor named Rare_Can_5418 asked the AskReddit forum, “What difficult truths, the sooner you accept them, the better your life will be?” and received over 6,500 responses. Many of them were centered around harsh truths about relationships and the fact that even if we do our best in life, we can still end up with the short end of the stick.
The key is to keep going and never let failure get you down.
Here are 15 of the “difficult truths” that made people’s lives a lot better.
1. Stop comparing yourself
“There will always be someone better looking, better educated, younger, more experienced, more intelligent or wealthier than you. Do your best, live without regret, have empathy and kindness, give when you can, expecting nothing in return. Focus on your heart value more than what others have.”
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Research shows we have a tendency to compare ourselves to highly visible and highly skilled people, which makes us feel worse. We wonder why we can’t cook as well as our foodie friend or why we’re not as organized and put-together as our Type A neighbor. No wonder comparisons make us feel like crap!
“You can be sweetest, juiciest peach on the tree. But some people don’t like peaches.”
“In Spanish, there’s a saying: ‘Nadie es moneda de oro para que lo quiera todo el mundo,’ which translates to something like nobody is a gold coin to be liked/wanted by everyone else.”
Worrying too much about making everyone like you is a quick path to becoming a people pleaser, an impossible task that takes a serious toll on your mental health.
3. Things are just things
“They don’t have feelings. They don’t care if you give them away or sell them or throw them out. If a thing is useful, keep it. If not, get rid of it.”
Psychologists refer to perceiving that inanimate objects have feelings as anthropomorphizing. Psych Central says that humans project feelings onto objects to relate to them more deeply. “People generally anthropomorphize to make sense of events and behaviors they experience. Further, attributing emotions, attitudes, mental states, faces, and values to non-human things can help you feel connected to something,” Sarah Barkley writes in a PhD-reviewed article.
“Surprisingly though, the ones that last are not necessarily the best (or even good) ones.”
“Most friendships are based on convenience, I’ve found. Unless two people are willing to put in a lot of effort, time and distance will do more to end a friendship than any disagreement.”
It’s natural and OK to outgrow friendships. If you’ve put in a solid effort and it’s not working the way it used to, being comfortable with letting the relationship go will do wonders for your guilt and stress levels.
5. You may be the bad guy
“You can do your best with someone and still be the villain in their story.”
“One of my current favourite memes is: I don’t care if I’m the villain in your story, you’re the clown in mine.”
The truth is we’re all just people doing our best, even the people who have wronged you.
You might be the villain in someone’s story. Giphy
6. You can’t change people
“You can only help people who actually want it. If they’re not ready to change or put in the effort, there’s not much you can do. Realizing this can save you a lot of frustration and help you focus on people who actually appreciate your help.”
“It’s always tough having those friends who are constantly complaining but doing nothing to address what they are complaining about. But as an adult, you just have to sit there and listen. No point in offering help to someone who isn’t asking for it. Kinda like how it’s really tough to teach someone who isn’t interested in being taught.”
Expecting others to change is bound to lead to disappointment. There’s a saying that goes, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” Hoping and wishing and working to make them somewhere else, more often than not, gets you nowhere.
7. How we judge ourselves and others
“We judge ourselves by our intentions. We judge others by their actions.”
“In psychology, this is called fundamental attribution error.”
The Fundamental Attribution Error is a psychological phenomenon where we assume someone’s actions reflect their personality without considering the situation. It’s like when we blame someone’s driving skills for being in an accident instead of the curvy road.
We judge others differently than how we judge ourselves. Giphy
8. Depending on people
“Once you’re an adult, there really isn’t anyone you can 100% depend on except yourself. There will still be people in your life to lean on, but everyone has their limits in how they can help you.”
Perhaps one of the harshest truths of all, but once you accept it, the path forward becomes extremely clear. It’s up to you to make everything happen, and there’s really no one else to blame if you don’t.
9. Nice doesn’t equal good
“Nice people aren’t always good people.”
“One of my bosses doesn’t greet/make small talk and is known for being quite firm. He’s been the most helpful throughout my most difficult period dealing with tragedy. Some people with that personality type simply get things done when you need them done without the chattering.”
Niceness can even be toxic when it’s not coming from a place of genuine authenticity. Sometimes hard conversations and conflict are necessary, and avoiding them is not healthy.
10. Everything is temporary
“You can suddenly lose anything and anyone at any time…and maybe all at once or in quick succession without so much warning.”
11. Nobody is thinking about you
“In general, people in the real world are oblivious to you. You’re not even a blip on their radar. If you’re insecure about something you wear or how you look, remember: nobody cares.”
Worried about something small like how the sleeves on your shirt fit you? It’s OK if you care, but no one else will. People are far too consumed with their own lives and problems to remember the minutiae of some stranger they saw in passing. Accepting this is incredibly freeing!
Nobody is paying attention to you (and that’s a good thing). Giphy
12. No one is coming to save you
“No one is coming to save you, so you have to do it all yourself.”
“And once you internalize this and do it, your self-esteem will be through the roof.”
13. Nobody knows what they’re doing
“Before i graduated high school I thought, thank god, I finally won’t have to deal with annoying obnoxious kids and I’ll be treated like an adult, I come to find out 95% of adults are worse then the actual kids, nobody knows what they’re actually doing and life is actually a big joke.”
This realization could help cure your Imposter Syndrome. Most people are just making it up as they go along and so you shouldn’t feel ashamed of doing the same.
14. Love is reciprocal
“If a romantic interest is not giving you the same attention/respect you give them, they don’t really care about or want you, and you’re in for a world of hurt if you keep telling yourself otherwise.”
“People who are good for you will make you feel happy, joyful, accepted, cared for, and filled with fun times, despite any differences. People who are not good for you will make you feel anxious, sad, down, slighted, judged, and never check in on you if you’re not okay, and won’t even bother noticing when you’re not okay. Genuine people will never let you suffer in silence or watch you suffer. Stay away from those who make you feel negative emotions and thoughts.”
These are called harsh or hard truths for a reason. It’s human nature to feel self-conscious, feel like an imposter, try to change people, or worry if other people like us. But the more of these you can free yourself from, the better you’ll feel.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
