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In a single week in June 2015, the U.S. Supreme Court stuffed two hot-potato issues with judicial deliciousness.

Not only were the rulings signals of progress, they also stirred the perfect storm for timely, hilarious, musical delight, which you'll be awash with in but a moment.

First, there was King v. Burwell, a ruling that would make or break President Obama's chronically debated health care law. Justice John Roberts delivered the decision.


Photo by Brendan Smialowski/Getty Images.

The court may have spared President Obama a trip to the ER with their decision to uphold the constitutionality of the tax subsidies needed for the Affordable Care Act to work. Ironically, the people who benefit most from the ruling live more in places controlled by politicians who opposed Obamacare.

Then there was Obergefell v. Hodges, the landmark same-sex marriage ruling. Justice Anthony Kennedy read the decision.

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.

LEGAL. Across. The. Entire. Country. The ruling ended a battle for marriage equality that has been righteously waged for 45 years. And in an interesting tie to health care, researchers believe the ruling on same-sex marriage may be a boon to public health.

But the rulings left some folks feeling like burnt toast. Namely, the justices who voted in dissent.

Especially Justice Antonin Scalia. He was so flabbergasted by the outcomes that he could neither contain his opinion nor cogently deliver his opinion. Here are a few of his attempts.

On the Affordable Care Act:

  • "The Court's next bit of interpretive jiggery-pokery involves other parts of the Act that purportedly presuppose the availability of tax credits on both federal and state Exchanges."
  • "Pure applesauce. Imagine that a university sends around a bulletin reminding every professor to take the 'interests of graduate students' into account when setting office hours, but that some professors teach only undergraduates. Would anybody reason that the bulletin implicitly presupposes that every professor has 'graduate students,' so that 'graduate students' must really mean 'graduate or undergraduate students'? Surely not."
  • "We should start calling this law SCOTUScare."

On marriage equality:

  • "Who ever thought that intimacy andspirituality (whatever that means) were freedoms? And ifintimacy is, one would think Freedom of Intimacy isabridged rather than expanded by marriage. Ask thenearest hippie."
  • "Buried beneath the mummeries and straining-to-be-memorable passages of the opinion is a candid and startling assertion."
  • "The Supreme Court of the United States has descended from the disciplined legal reasoning of John Marshall and Joseph Story to the mystical aphorisms of the fortune cookie."

So rock band Coheed and Cambria did the grumpy justice a solid.

They turned his wordy babbling into something more worth your attention with this lovely but still senseless-as-Scalia ballad on Funny or Die:

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We hear you, Justice Scalia. But we still don't get you.

All photos courtesy of Albertsons
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Warning: This video contains NSFW language.