upworthy
Most Shared

The Oscars just took a big step away from #OscarsSoWhite. Here's how big.

Once upon a time, white people took every single nomination in every single acting category at the 2015 Academy Awards.

Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images.

That's 20 acting slots, for anyone counting.

Then, the following year, a funny thing happened.

Every slot, in every acting category: white person. Again.

Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images.

Listen, I'm a white person who has no qualms with white people winning awards. But doesn't two straight years of exclusively white actors snagging nods seem a bit ... much?

Clearly, I wasn't the only one to think so.

In reaction to the Academy's preference for a specific type of actor, the hashtag #OscarsSoWhite — coined by April Reign, managing editor of BroadwayBlack.com — was born, calling attention to the obvious inequities reflected in the nominations.

So you can imagine why the internet was waiting with bated breath for the morning of Jan. 24, 2017 — the day this year's nominations were announced.  

Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Image.

Fortunately, there were some major improvements to celebrate.

Of the 20 acting nominations, seven were given to people of color — the highest number in a decade.

There's at least one non-white person in every category, with Denzel Washington ("Fences") up for Best Actor and Ruth Negga ("Loving") up for Best Actress.

Photo by Vivien Killilea/Getty Images for Palm Springs International Film Festival.

The supporting categories are more diverse, particularly among the actresses, where three of the five slots went to women of color —  Viola Davis (“Fences”), Naomie Harris (“Moonlight”), and Octavia Spencer (“Hidden Figures”). Davis now has three Oscar nominations under her belt, making her the most nominated black actress of all time.

In the best supporting actor category, Mahershala Ali (“Moonlight”) could become the first Muslim ever to win in this category, while Dev Patel ("Lion") is just the third Indian actor ever to be nominated in any acting category.

Aside from acting, other categories aren't so lily-white this year either.

Four of the best picture nominees — "Hidden Figures," "Lion," "Fences," and "Moonlight," which tells the story of a young, black gay man — feature predominantly non-white casts, while four nominations in the documentary feature category — Ava DuVernay (“13th”), Ezra Edelman (“O.J.: Made in America”), Raoul Peck (“I Am Not Your Negro”), and Roger Ross Williams (“Life, Animated”) — went to black artists, The Wrap reported.

What's more, three black writers were nominated in the adapted screenplay category — Barry Jenkins' and Tarell McCraney's "Moonlight," and the late August Wilson's "Fences" — in a category where four of the five nominations went to films with mostly non-white casts.

Filmmaker Barry Jenkins, nominated for "Moonlight." Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images.

Don't get me wrong — plenty of groups remain underrepresented, such as Latinx and Asian artists. As April Reign told the Los Angeles Times, the Oscar nods are much "blacker" — not necessarily a whole lot more diverse — than years past.

Still, this year's nominations do feel like a breath of fresh air.

"This year’s slate of Oscars nominees highlights that, when given the opportunity, films that reflect the diversity of this country will shine," Reign said in a statement, noting she's especially encouraged to see Bradford Young become the first black cinematographer to be nominated for "Arrival," and see films like "Fences," "Lion," "Hidden Figures," and "Moonlight" get the recognition they deserve.

The reason why the Oscars tend to be so white isn't a problem that can be fixed by one year of diverse nominees.

The demographics of the Academy — made up of thousands of industry bigwigs who vote for the winners — is older, very white, and predominantly male. And this shows in which films, and which artists, are nominated.

It certainly doesn't help that even getting the chance to become an Oscar contender is much more difficult for filmmakers and artists from marginalized groups. Hollywood's more hesitant to green-light projects it believes to be more financially risky*, so films and storylines featuring people of color — or LGBTQ characters or women or religious minorities (you get the picture) — get overlooked.

*Important note: Films featuring minorities can and do make money at the box office.

The Academy has a long road ahead in diversifying its membership and better reflecting the world we live in. But it's making progress.

In 2016, after another year of white actors filled every acting slot, the Academy announced major changes in how it will be selecting new voters and managing existing ones, aiming to double "the number of women and diverse members" by 2020.

President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Cheryl Boone Isaacs, who has become a big proponent of diversifying the Oscars. Photo by Mike Windle/Getty Images for LACMA.

Although 2017 promises to be a more diverse Oscars than the previous two, one year doesn't make up for decades of underrepresentation, as Reign noted. It's important Hollywood recognizes that.

"Films that reflect the nuance and complexity of all theatergoers have been incredibly successful this year, both critically and financially," she said. "It is incumbent upon Hollywood to ensure that more stories like these are told."

Badge
Women's Peace & Humanitarian Fund
WPHF
Identity

How one woman is breaking barriers to amplify women's voices in peace building across Southern Africa

True

Vimbai Kapurura is the Executive Director of Women Unlimited, a grassroots women’s rights organization working to promote the rights and leadership of women, girls, and marginalized groups in Eswatini and southern Africa. With support from the Rapid Response Window of the United Nations Women’s Peace and Humanitarian Fund (WPHF), she’s advocating to have more female voices in national peace building spaces to ensure women’s rights and demands are included.

“Women are peacebuilders. We are peacemakers. We have a critical role to play in crisis situations and we are very much better placed to play a peacebuilding role in any country.”

In the face of the growing political turmoil in Eswatini, where calls for the establishment of a national dialogue remain seemingly unanswered, Vimbai and her organization are stepping up, raising their voice and bringing forward innovative solutions to promote peace and stability across the country. WPHF is supporting them to amplify women’s voices and mainstream gender perspectives into relevant decision-making mechanisms.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

“We are the cradle of life. We are changemakers, movers, shakers of any area of development. We want to be engaged and involved in any area of the value chain, the complete value chain. We want to be there.”

As part of its project with WPHF, Women Unlimited – with technical support from Cordaid, one of the INGO partners of the RRW – has trained several local women-led civil society organizations in conflict resolution, conflict prevention and mediation processes, as well as carried out educational and awareness raising campaigns on the value of women’s participation in peace processes, targeting both women and men across the country.

“WPHF has really helped us a lot. Not only has the funding allowed us to engage more women in peacebuilding processes, but it’s also supported us to underscore the need for female leadership in these spaces, where we’re often left aside.”

In Eswatini, where women and girls face deep-rooted patriarchy from a very young age, undermining their confidence, autonomy and leadership, Vimbai has become an outspoken advocate for women’s equal representation in decision-making roles at all levels, from community-level and regional committees to national and global peace building spaces.

“If you gather many women toward on common goal, you are guaranteed that that goal is going to be achieved. Let us come together and be the change we want to see. No one will do it for us. But together, we can.”

A tireless leader and activist who’s influenced the lives of many women and girls in Eswatini, Vimbai is a firm believer in women’s capacity, tenacity, and adaptability to lead and drive transformative change in their communities. When she thinks about peace, she dreams about women coming together, taking up space, and walking side by side for a more peaceful and gender-equal world in which harmful stereotypes and cultural practices are left behind.

Follow, engage, and amplify the work of Vimbai's organization!

Joy

Man uses the shoe aisle to explain a troubling economic trend in middle-class American life

"The thing is, most people don’t want longevity anymore. They want new."

via Canva/Photos

Remember things being built to last?

It’s been proven that over the past few years, Americans have been dealing with shrinkflation, where food companies reduce the sizes of their products while the price remains the same at the grocery store. You see this in fast food restaurants when you pick up a burger and feel like your hand has grown a few inches, and at the supermarket when you buy a box of cookies, it weighs less than it did a few weeks ago. Companies use this strategy when they think you’ll be less likely to notice a dip in quantity than a hike in the price.

Another big trend in retail is fast fashion. People are buying cheaper garments made from low-quality materials. These products last about as long as the trend, so people throw them away and buy the next hot thing. This can be a real problem because fast fashion harms the environment and leads to exploitative labor practices.

A TikToker named Tom (@SideMoneyTom), popular for making videos about consumer products, recently went viral for a video where he called out shoe manufacturers for dropping their quality while keeping prices high. “So many of you guys want to shoot the messenger, but look, it's not my fault shoes are made out of Styrofoam and oil now,” Tom says in a TikTok with over 528,000 views. “It's literally every shoe you look at now. It's not even just the cheap ones. I can find hundred dollar plus pairs of shoes all day long with glue squeezing out of their Styrofoam cracks.”

@sidemoneytom

Replying to @Oscar Magaña shoes are done #fyp #shoes #foryou

Tom notes that recently, shoes have been made with foam soles instead of rubber. Both have pros and cons. Foam is a little more comfortable, but rubber lasts a lot longer. Rubber shoes keep shape and support over time and are much more durable. Conversely, foam shoes compress over time, losing their support and comfort. When companies sell cheaper shoes that wear out more quickly, they make much more money because you must keep replacing them.

In the video, Tom adds that many companies that used to have shoes made with rubber heels, such as Carhartt and Timberland, have switched to foam. This is an interesting choice for brands that pride themselves on selling durable products.

Cora Harrington, a writer and lingerie expert, says that companies aren't entirely to blame. Americans don’t want to pay higher prices. “People don’t exactly want to pay more for all that stuff,” Harrington told Vox. "So what has to happen if everything is more expensive and the customers still want to pay the same price, something has to be cut and that’s often going to be the quality of the garment.”

“There is an entire generation of consumers at this point that doesn’t actually know what high-quality clothing feels like and looks like,” Harrington continues. “It gets easier, I think, for consumers to just not know any better.”

@sidemoneytom

Replying to @donkles #shoes #fyp #sketchers #nike

Many commenters have noticed the decline in shoe quality and praised Tom for pointing it out. "I am so happy I’m not the only one who is baffled by shoes being made of styrofoam and then being upcharged for them," one commenter wrote. "When shoes started being named some version of 'Air Light Cloud float,' my thought was it was because they went from quality rubber to cheap foam and less materials,” another commenter added.

Tom believes the decline in shoe quality is an example of a more significant trend affecting American consumers' products: quality is decreasing while prices remain the same. “The quality of everything is going to hell, and the prices are going up," Tom concludes his video. "The problem is, so many of us have just become used to it that we keep buying it, and we basically allow them to dumb down the quality of everything. Everything in our lives. These shoes are just the tip of the iceberg. Start thinking about it in your life. What are you gonna allow to be garbage quality?

From Your Site Articles
economics
Badge
O Organics
O Organics
Popular

Dad's heartfelt lunch message shows how simple, everyday acts can change lives

You can make a huge difference by using O Organics.

via Meg Sullivan (used with permission) and Canva/Photos

A volunteer hands out food in a food bank and Meg Sullivan shares her dad's kind gesture.

When we consider people who have had a positive impact on the world, we often think of those who have made grand gestures to improve the lives of others, such as Martin Luther King, Jr., Greta Thunberg, or Mahatma Gandhi. Unfortunately, that type of effort is out of reach for the average person.

However, O Organics would like to remind everyone that they can positively impact the world through small, consistent acts of kindness that add up over time. Much like how a small creek can create a valley over the years, we can change lives through small, consistent acts of kindness.

O Organics is dedicated to the well-being of all by nourishing people everywhere with delicious organic foods grown by producers who meet USDA-certified organic farming standards.

Upworthy's Instagram page recently posted a touching example of everyday kindness. Meg Sullivan shared how her father, Tom, peeled oranges for her lunch just about every day from kindergarten through high school. But on the final day of her senior year of high school, he sent his 17-year-old daughter unpeeled oranges with a touching note about how she’d have to start peeling them for herself.



“It’s Time Baby Girl,” he wrote on a wikiHow printout on how to peel an orange with a drawing of himself crying. For the father, this daily ritual was about more than just making lunch; it was about showing that he cared by going the extra mile. “I could have put money on her lunch account,” Tom told Today.com. “But it’s one of those little things I thought was important, that she knows somebody’s taking the time to take care of her.”

The small, daily gesture taught Megan an essential lesson in kindness.

The post reminded people how their fathers’ small acts of kindness meant so much to them. “My dad peeled my oranges until I graduated high school, too. Now, I peel my daughter’s oranges and will for the next 7 plus years,” Katie wrote in the comments. “Love this. My dad peeled mine, too. When I moved out, he gave me an orange peeler gadget,” Mary added.

o organics, albertson's giving backO Organics has a wide array of foods and flavors covering almost everything on your shopping list.via Albertson's

Did you know that every time you go to the supermarket, you can also change the world through small gestures? O Organics not only allows you to feed your family delicious and nutritious organic food, but each purchase also gives back to help people and communities facing food insecurity.

Through contributions from customers like you, O Organics donates up to 28 million meals annually. The company’s contribution is essential when, according to the USDA, 47.4 million Americans live in food-insecure households.

O Organics has a wide array of foods and flavors covering almost everything on your shopping list. “Over the years, we have made organic foods more accessible by expanding O Organics to every aisle across our stores, making it possible for health and budget-conscious families to incorporate organic food into every meal,” Jennifer Saenz, EVP and Chief Merchandising Officer at Albertsons, one of many stores where you can find O Organics products, said in a statement.

O Organics now offers over 1500 items, from dairy products such as eggs and milk to packaged meats and breakfast staples such as cereal bars, granola and oatmeal. You can also enjoy affordable organic produce with O Organics’ fresh salads and fruit.

Everybody wants to make the world a better place. With O Organics, you can feed your family healthy, organic food every time you go to the market while paying it forward by contributing to the company’s efforts to end food insecurity nationwide. That’s a small, daily gesture that can amount to incredible change.

From Your Site Articles
o organics
Joy

Harvard expert's 5-3-1 rule is the key to a healthy social life

How much time should you spend with your friends?

via Canva/Photos

Some long-time friends on vacation.

In a world where we must keep busy to survive, it can be easy to neglect our social lives. This becomes even harder as we age and our friends have families and more responsibilities. Once you hit your 30s, the friends you saw every few days can quickly become people you only see a few times a year.

Friendships need to be nurtured to keep moving forward. If not, one day, our closest friends will begin to feel like strangers. Sadly, this is a common occurrence, and studies show that as people age, their circle of friends becomes smaller and smaller. This is one of the many factors contributing to what's known as the "loneliness epidemic." Studies show that one in three Americans report feeling lonely regularly, and one in four has no social and emotional support at all.

Further, in a world with Netflix, video games, and social media, it can be easy to be entertained without making plans, leaving the house, or spending time with anyone. But that shortcut could lead to waking up one day with very few people in your life. We know we need to get out there and be social, but what’s the correct amount of time we should spend hanging out?

gym friends, friends, selfiesFriends spending time at the gym. via Canva/Photos

Kasley Killam, a Harvard-trained social scientist and author of "The Art and Science of Connection," has made it easy with her simple 5-3-1 rule, a guideline for evaluating social health. "We need to be intentional about connection, just like we are with exercise and eating healthy foods," Killam told Business Insider.

What is the 5-3-1 rule?

(5) Spend time with FIVE different people a week

A 2022 Harvard Business School study found that the more “diverse” the group we socialize with, the happier we will be. That means we shouldn’t just spend time with our close friends and family members but grab a coffee with a friend from the gym or spend some time with an old friend you haven’t seen in years. As the song goes, “Make new friends but keep the old one is silver and the other’s gold.”

(3) Nurture at least THREE close relationships

Focus on nurturing three friendships every day, whether you text them or make plans to see each other. These are the people at the top of your phone list or who would be your emergency contacts.

(1) Have ONE quality hour of social connection a day

Make time every day to socialize with someone, whether by hopping on a phone call with a family member or going on a walk with a neighbor. "That doesn't have to be all at once," Killam said. " It could be 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there." The important rule Killam says is that the interaction has to be “meaningful.”

friends, photos, selfiesFriends spending time at the Redondo Beach pier. via Canva/Photos

Socializing is great for our happiness but can also help us live longer. A study of senior citizens found that the more people socialized, the longer they lived. Those who lived the longest took time to socialize with someone once a day.

Living by the 5-3-1 isn’t just for older people who need to get back into socializing. It’s great for younger people because it can strengthen their relationships and their mental health at the same time. You may be busy these days, but at the end of your life, you probably won’t remember that long day you spent at the office or a random Thursday stuck in traffic. But you will remember that walk you took with your friend when you needed someone to talk to or that night you stayed a little late at your bestie's house making vacation plans.

From Your Site Articles
friendship
Parenting

Dad invited 24 kids to a birthday party. 0 RVSPd. Then they all showed up and trashed the place.

Parents are giving brilliant tips for tweaking invites so these catastrophes don't happen.

Unsplash & Canva Photos

This party was tragically a perfect storm of everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Kids birthday party culture is definitely having a moment in the public discourse. For one thing, parties have become outrageously expensive. Renting a lane at the bowling alley and getting some pizza for a dozen kids used to be the cheap party. Now that same experience will probably run $500 or more. If you tack on custom desserts (and not a Costco sheet cake), goodie bags, and a premium venue like a trampoline park or arcade, you could be looking at a bill of close to $1000! That's madness!

RSVP etiquette is in crisis, too. Social media is rife with stories of no one RSVPing, RSVPers no-showing on the day, and others sorts of rude or bizarre behavior from parents that turns parties sour and, sadly, ruin kids' birthdays.

One dad's recent story of a birthday party gone horribly wrong, though, definitely takes the cake.


toddler in a pink dress eating cakePlanning a kid's birthday means expecting the unexpected. Giphy

"My son's birthday was recently and we decided to throw him a party at a local place that was kid focused and amazing," the dad writes in a Reddit post. Due to classroom rules and wanting to pass the invitations out through school, the family invited all 24 kids from their child's class.

"Not a single parent RSVP'ed. Not a single one. My name, my phone number, AND my spouse's phone number was on the card. I'm literally staring at one ... that I handwrote and this was included on the invite. I handwrote every card so I know for a fact what was on there," he says.

Not wanting to cancel the birthday party (and traumatize his son), the dad began inviting kids from other branches of his network. Friends' kids, coworkers kids. Basically anyone with a warm body so that they could throw a proper party. In the end, the family planned and paid for 15 kids to attend the party, including a resounding zero from class.

And then everything went haywire.

"Party was yesterday night. ... We get there, get settled in, and start seeing kids come in. A few of his classmates began showing up. I was fine with that and was excited kids started showing up for him. And then more kids started showing up. One family brought 7 kids total; 3 teens, 2 slightly older kids, a girl from his classmates, and their cousin. Another family brought their son AND one of his friends because 'they didn't know if their son would know anyone there so we wanted to make sure he had a friend to play with'. So many of them brought siblings."

The numbers quickly got way, way out of hand. Organizers at the venue told the dad he was going to have to pay for all the extra kids that showed up. So the OP unfortunately had to tell anyone who brought uninvited kids, or failed to RSVP, that they would have to pay their own way for all the crafts and activities available at the venue.

A few families apologized and ponied up, but... "I had multiple parents tell me that they didn't know they couldn't bring their other kids and promised to pay before they left. Some asked for my Cashapp/Venmo/Zelle so they could reimburse me later since they couldn't afford it right now. Some just left, a few taking their presents with them."

With so many kids running amok, the party took an unfortunate turn. Kids started being mean to an animal that was brought out for entertainment and its handlers had to put it away. Trash went flying everywhere. Kids climbed on tables and got kicked out. It was pandemonium.


gif of woman jumping on a table and it collapsing beneath herKids at the party climbed on and broke furnitureGiphy

In the end, dad had to pay an extra cleaning fee, pay for damage done to the venue, and pay for all the extra kids who showed up whose parents left before chipping in. Worse yet, his son was devastated at how the party turned out.

"I was in tears. My son is really upset that there were so many mean kids. He said this was the worst party ever and asked to not have a party for next year."

The obvious question coming out of this story: Why are people so awful?!

Stories like this one sadly aren't rare. The cynical take is that parents are ruder and more self-absorbed than ever, that our socially disconnected society has diluted our sense of community and obligation to be kind to each other.

The slightly more optimistic and probably more accurate take is that today's parents are completely overwhelmed and have their hands full coordinating handfuls of events that are months away, responding to dozens of daily emails from school and teachers and daycares, being engaged and hands-on in every aspects of their kids lives, etc. So RSVPs sometimes slip to the bottom of the list and get forgotten. The behavior in this dad's story is appalling, but probably not intentionally malicious.

Still, social media users were furious on behalf of the child and his parents in the story.

"This is unacceptable behavior," wrote one commenter.

"People suck and kids parties bring out the worst in people!" added another.

Whatever the cause, there are a few ways you can protect yourself and your kids from birthday party catastrophes like this one.

Don't include the specific location on the invite. The best way to stop people who didn't RSVP from showing up unannounced is to stay vague about the party venue. Just put the day and time on the invitation so people can save the date, but make them text or call before you tell them where the party will be held. That way, you can secure a commitment beforehand.

Specify whether siblings are welcome. Unfortunately, some parents have been known to use other kids birthday parties as informal daycares, dropping all of their kids off at once and taking themselves a nice break! It's not all conniving, though. It is legitimately a lot easier on some families to bring everyone along to a party rather than dividing and conquering to entertain siblings who weren't invited. Just be clear on the invite or in RSVP discussions about who's allowed to come and whether parents are expected to stay (or if it's a "drop off party").

Understand classroom rules. A lot of schools now require that, if birthday party invitations get handed out in class, that everyone is invited. That rules comes from a great place of not wanting anyone to feel left out, but it also causes a lot of problems. The inclusivity is a positive but it also means you end up inviting a lot of kids and parents you don't know very well or at all. If you're up for this logistical challenge, go for it! But if not, consider a smaller party with just your child's good friends—and invite them privately outside of school.

Finally, for anyone on the receiving end of a birthday party invitation, don't be a jerk! RSVPing either way is a much appreciated gesture. On the chance that you do forget to RSVP (it happens), don't show up unannounced. It may not seem like a big deal, but when a couple dozen sets of parents all have the same thought, this dad's viral story shows exactly what can go wrong.

From Your Site Articles
birthday party
Family

'He was raised right'—Tween boy offers masterclass apology after hitting neighbor's truck

This is how you take accountability, no matter what age you are.

Photo credit: Canva

A great lesson for kids and adults alike.

Many folks feel that kids today don’t have good manners. Or at the very least, it’s not the “please and thank you” filled politeness that was instilled in older generations as kids. And you can largely attribute this change in society to things like technology causing less face-to-face interactions and casual comfort taking precedence over formality—things which affect what parents teach, or don’t teach, their children.

Still, every so often there’s a kiddo whose behavior is so exemplary we find ourselves a little more hopeful for humanity. This super sweet apology, caught on tape and shared by Alondra Hernandaz, is one of those times.

Apparently, a young boy was playing soccer with his friends (kids playing outside?! A miracle!) when their ball hit part of a truck parked outside Hernandez's house, causing the alarm to go off. The boy explained all this to the doorbell camera, not actually knowing if anyone would see it. Nonetheless, he “wanted to apologize" in case the alarm disrupted others.

Watch:

@aloooh69 We ain’t even mad.🙌🏽👏🏽 #fyp #camera #neighbors #kidsoftiktok ♬ original sound - Alondra Hernandez

Unsurprisingly, Hernandez wrote “we ain’t even mad” in her video’s caption.

It wasn’t long before this wholesome apology began making the rounds on social media, where folks unanimously agreed that this young man was "raised right.” The sheer fact that no one prompted him to go up and apologize, and that he intentionally chose to do so even though no one would have ever known about the incident spoke volumes to this kid’s character.

As one person on Reddit noted, “Just the courage to go and apologize right away is awesome. I know I would have pondered 10 times before doing that as a kid.”

Another on TikTok remarked, “He knows the importance of integrity. Well done young man. Kudos to your parents.”

Parents today might not want to force formalities onto their kids, especially not in the same self-compromising way they had to endure during their own upbringing. But as this story shows, there’s something to be said about how true, authentic politeness inspires kindness, respect and empathy, which is something our world desperately needs. While this young boy may be one of those anomalies who was simply born with a sense of etiquette, he likely learned these skills over time.

Parents can use several strategies to teach children how to use manners—like positive reinforcement, instilling good tech practices, finding ways to incorporate manners into everyday routines—but none compare with setting the example themselves. We know that children learn by observing adults, so in addition to reminding a kid to say "please and thank you,” use those words yourself. Even personalize it (“thank you, this sandwich was so delicious, it hit the spot!”) so that they can see a little detail goes a long way. And of course, demonstrate polite language and respectful behavior even when the rest of the world does not. It isn't always easy to do, but nevertheless, it's very important for raising the next generation of good humans.

kids
Parenting

A dad realized his son treats Mom very differently when they're alone and it blew his mind

The moms have been trying to tell us!

Unsplash

A lot of dads are not aware of this.

It's hard out here being a dad. No one would argue that. But studies show dads are actually happier, less tired, and less stressed out than one very special group of people: Moms. It might sound obvious since we know the majority of childcare still tends to fall on women, but the differences between moms and dads hold up even when accounting for total time spent taking care of the kids. So what gives? At the risk of having rotten tomatoes hurled at my head, is it possible that dads are just way more chill and better at handling the stress?

Absolutely not! But it does leave a bit of a mystery. Why are dads faring better even when they spend lots of time taking care of the children? One explanation is that dads often get the easy stuff, like recreation and play, while moms tend to get stuck with more rigorous tasks like logistics, cleaning, cooking, and bathing. But that doesn't explain everything.

One dad recently had an epiphany about exactly why he finds taking care of the kids less taxing than his wife does.

A dad who posts online as @workharddadhard never found solo parenting his son to be all that challenging. He says in a now viral TikTok video that his son would usually just play quietly by himself, ask for things nicely if he needed something, and generally be pretty independent. What he never understood was why solo parenting seemed to leave his wife drained, exhausted, and desperate for help.

"For the longest time I wondered why my wife was always like 'Please, like as soon as you can, get home from work, like whenever you're done please just come home, I could really use your help here. ... It's been a long day.'"

What was she doing differently that made parenting so much harder? One day he got the chance to observe exactly what his wife had been talking about this whole time. He happened to be home during the day while Mom was in charge and saw "our son just do things that he never ever did with me and it was crazy."

"Our kid acts completely different around his mom," he said, adding that the epiphany "blew his mind."

Watch the whole video here:

@workharddadhard

When I was home, our son would play by himself, ask for things nicely, but then when it was just mom, things changed…

Commenters chimed in by the thousands to confirm: Kids are often needier and more poorly behaved for mom. And more dads need to get the memo.

This dad wasn't the only parent whose kid does a Jekyll and Hyde act depending on which parent they're with. He also wasn't the only dad who had no idea this was even a thing, at least until recently:

"A lot of dads are not aware of this."

"Coming from a mom, it's so unfair. and dads often don't see it so they don't get why we're stressed and overwhelmed at the end of the day"

"More dads need to understand this. this is why they judge moms for being exhausted and wonder why 'nothing' gets done around the house. or why they need a break."

"Thanks for acknowledging. My kids ask me for things 1000x a day and when my husband is alone with them, they don’t need anything, never hungry and play by themselves"

"My children are insanely needy for me, but wildly independent problem solvers with my husband"


gif of man having a breakdownSome kids are like Jekyll and Hyde depending on which parent they're withGiphy

Some parents offered the theory that kids were more likely to act out because they felt safer with mom:

"Kids act out the most whoever they are most comfortable with. They know their feelings and big emotions are safe," one commenter wrote.

The research backs this up. It's the same mechanism at work that causes your kids to behave perfectly at school but raise hell at home. The more comfortable and securely attached they are to you, the more likely they are to be vulnerable and let out their big feelings (and true nature). They may feel more empowered to ask you for or demand help, or generally misbehave. When Mom is the primary caregiver, which is usually the case, it's natural that kids will feel even a little bit safer with her than Dad. That means she gets the short end of the stick when it comes to clinginess and bad behavior.

There are two takeaways here for parents. First, if your kid is well-behaved for everyone including your partner, but a terror for you, it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong! In fact, though it may be little comfort, it probably just means that they feel the safest and most connected to you. Second, remember that your partner isn't being dramatic if they're feeling burnt out by the kid but you're not. Believe them, support them, and for God's sake, be there to give them a break.

From Your Site Articles
parenting
Trending Stories