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Wellness

A woman with dementia adored her haircut. Her husband's letter to the stylist is everything.

"Looking back, it was likely dozens of haircuts you gave that day. But one which revitalized a woman's sense of self and her singular beauty."

Image by Michelle Maria from Pixabay, Sara Verkuilen/Instagram

Grab a tissue, folks, because this is one of those stories that has almost too much love and goodness to bear in it.

Sara Verkuilen was working at Hair Cuttery in Round Lake Beach, Illinois last winter when an older couple walked in for a haircut. "I don't think I had ever done their hair before," Verkuilen told Upworthy. "They were walk-ins."

The man and his wife were "just really cute together," she recalled. "He was so sweet with her and obviously very in love."

Little did Verkuilen know how much of an impression her personal service and professional skills would have on both them that day.

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The stylist shared a letter she received recently from the husband, signed only as "a grateful customer." The letter reads:

"Dear Sara,

This is a little bit awkward. But I've waited a really long time to pass this on to you.

My wife and I came in for haircuts shortly before Christmas of last year.

My wife was suffering from dementia, and you treated her as if you'd been working with dementia patients all your life. You let us sit next to each other, and when it came time for her cut you turned her chair towards me so I could watch her expression as you cut her hair.

It turned out even better than I thought it would.

Sadly, she died in March. And that haircut was one of the last, best moments of her life. She felt so pretty. She visited the mirror in her bathroom several times during the day and would come out beaming.

To see her so happy was priceless.

Looking back, it was likely dozens of haircuts you gave that day. But one which revitalized a woman's sense of self and her singular beauty. I hope you always realize the power of your profession.

It's so easy to take things like that for granted.

Sincerely,

A grateful customer"

Verkuilen said she wishes she could contact the man.

She doesn't remember the couple's name and the letter didn't give any personal information, but it meant a great deal to her to receive it. She says she'd been feeling kind of stuck and bored in her career, which she's been in about eight years, and this letter gave her the boost she needed.

"Receiving this letter was a huge reminder why I do what I do," she said. "It's an amazing feeling seeing someone look in the mirror after a transformation and smiling. Seeing how beautiful they feel, how confidence levels change. But it's an extremely difficult career. I get burnt out easily. I hope this letter can restore faith in other stylists that are maybe doubting if this career is right for them. We touch more than hair and I hope all the stylists out there realize how important they are and how what we do can have such an impact on our clients."

She also hopes seeing the letter helps clients understand that stylists don't "just cut hair."

What a beautiful reminder to appreciate people who work in service jobs, the little things that make us happy, the "singular beauty" of our loved ones, and the time we have with them.

This article originally appeared on 7.10.20

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Janitor and cook stayed to care for residents when nursing home shut down and staff left

Maurice Rowland and Miguel Alvarez refused to abandon the residents who got left behind in the "chaotic mass evacuation."

Image by Carola68 The world is colorful...... from Pixabay

When a nursing home shut down, the janitor and cook stayed with the remaining residents.

True

There are certain moments in life that determine your character. This was definitely one of those moments for Maurice Rowland and Miguel Alvarez.

Rowland was working as a cook and Alvarez as a janitor at an assisted living facility when suddenly they found out that the facility was going to close.

The Valley Springs Manor assisted-living facility was shut down by the California Department of Social Service in October of 2013, prompting a "chaotic mass evacuation" of staff and residents. Staff left because they weren't getting paid, but Rowland and Alvarez stuck around. There were around 16 residents left at the home with nowhere to go and nobody to take care of them. Some of them were sick and bedridden and some had dementia.

Rowland and Alvarez, who have been friends since middle school, had a conversation about what they were going to do. They decided they couldn't in good conscience abandon the residents who were left behind, so for the next several days they stayed and cared for them, making sure they were bathed and fed and got their medications—all without pay.

"I just couldn't see myself going home," Rowland said. "Next thing you know they're in the kitchen trying to cook their own food and burn the place down."

Alvarez said he would go home for one hour a day to take a shower and get dressed and then head back to the facility. His wife was upset at first because he missed a planned family trip during that time, so she drove to the center to see what was more important than time with her and their kids. What she found when she arrived left her "heartbroken," she told SF Gate.

Alvarez told StoryCorps that he'd been abandoned by his parents when he was young and knew how them leaving would make the residents feel. "I didn't want them to go through that," he said.

"If I would have left, I think that would've been on my conscience for a very long time," Rowland added.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

The facility had a history of regulatory violations and inadequate care that led to the shut down, but the transition for the residents who needed to be transferred to other facilities was fumbled by the authorities.

"“The Department fell short of its mission to protect the health and safety of residents in Valley Springs Manor,” the Department of Social Services said in a statement after the fact. “The Division erred in not ensuring, through successful engagement with local partners, that relocation arrangements for all of the residents were complete.”

When one resident started to deteriorate, Rowland and Alvarez called 911, which alerted authorities to the situation the men and residents were in. A proper evacuation of residents then began, relieving the men of the duty they'd taken on to care for people who had no one else.

"Even though they wasn't our family, they were kind of like our family for this short period of time," said Rowland.

According to SF Gate, Rowland and Alvarez were honored for their sacrificial service with an award from the American Veterans Association, a certificate of special recognition from Rep. Eric Swalwell's office a commendation from the California Legislature, and a wave of donations from people who were inspired by their selflessness.

""We didn't expect any of this," Alvarez said. "We've never expected anything from anyone in life."

They may not have expected anything, but their big-heartedness paid off not only in recognition and financial support, but in the satisfaction of putting other people's humanity before themselves.

This story originally appeared on 9.29.16 It has since been updated.

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humanity

Identity

One man turned nursing home design on its head when he created this stunning facility

"What if we design an environment that looks like outside?" he said. "What if I can have a sunrise and sunset inside the building?

92-year-old Norma had a strange and heartbreaking routine.

Every night around 5:30 p.m., she stood up and told the staff at her Ohio nursing home that she needed to leave. When they asked why, she said she needed to go home to take care of her mother. Her mom, of course, had long since passed away.

Behavior like Norma's is quite common for older folks suffering from Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia. Walter, another man in the same assisted living facility, demanded breakfast from the staff every night around 7:30.

Jean Makesh, CEO of Lantern assisted living facilities, says he meets folks with stories like these every day. It's their stories that inspired him to make some changes at Lantern.

"I thought I knew a lot about elderly care. The more and more time I was spending with my clients, that's when I realized, 'Oh my god, I have no clue.'"

Confusion is common in Alzheimer's patients, but Makesh knew there had to be some way to minimize these conflicts.

A big believer in the idea that our environment has an enormous effect on us, he started thinking big — and way outside the box.

"What if we design an environment that looks like outside?" he said. "What if I can have a sunrise and sunset inside the building? What if I'm able to have the moon and stars come out? What if I build a unit that takes residents back to the '30s and '40s?"

And that was just the beginning. He also researched sound therapy. And aromatherapy. And carpet that looked like grass. No idea was off-limits.

What he came up with was a truly unique memory-care facility. And after testing the concept in Lantern's Madison, Ohio, facility, Makesh is opening two new locations this year.

Instead of rooms or units, each resident gets a "home" on a quiet little indoor street reminiscent of the neighborhoods many of them grew up in.

All photos courtesy of Lantern

Instead of a boring panel ceiling, residents look up and see a digital sky, which grows dimmer late in the day to help keep their biological clocks in tune.

Throughout the day, nature sounds and fresh aromas like peppermint or citrus are piped in.

Some studies have shown that this kind of aromatherapy may indeed have some merits for improving cognitive functioning in Alzheimer's patients.

There's even a little "main street" where residents can gather.

For Makesh, this isn't just about making patients comfortable, though. He wants to change how we think about the endgame of severe dementia.

The insides of the rooms aren't too shabby, either.

Makesh said one of the frustrating shortcomings of most nursing facilities is that they create conflicts with unnatural environments and schedules, and they try to solve them by throwing antipsychotic and anti-anxiety medications at patients. In other words, when someone has severe dementia, we often give up on them. From there, they stop getting the engagement their brain needs to thrive.

Of course, we're a long way from a cure for Alzheimer's.

But Makesh's project shows that when we think strategically about altering the environment and focus on helping people relearn essential self-care and hygiene skills, the near-impossible becomes possible.

"In five years, we're going to [be able to] rehabilitate our clients where they can live independently in our environment," he said. "In 10 years, we're going to be able to send them back home."

He knows it's a lofty goal. And whether he'll meet it remains to be seen. But in the meantime, he's proud to own one of the few places that offers something pretty rare in cases of severe dementia: hope.

This article originally appeared on 09.08.16

Identity

Family shares beautifully practical 'sundowning' strategies for loved ones with dementia

The late afternoon and evening hours can be especially challenging for people with dementia and their caregivers.

@iamgertrudejordan/Instagram (via Upworthy/Instagram)

Ty Lewis shares how she helps her mom, Gertrude, through sundowning time.

Anyone who has had a loved one with dementia knows how challenging it can be to care for a loved one whose memory is deteriorating. As they lose grip with their own reality, relationships take on new dimensions, emotions can become complicated, and love and grief walk hand in hand more often.

The good news is that no one is alone in these experiences. Nearly 6 million Americans have Alzheimer’s disease or related dementias, and according to the Alzheimer's Association, 83% of the help provided to these patients comes from family members, friends or other unpaid caregivers. Thankfully, some of those folks are utilizing social media to raise awareness and provide support and education about caring for people with dementia.

People like Ty Lewis.

Lewis‘ mother, Gertrude Jordan, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in 2014, just a year after her own mother passed with dementia. Lewis has spent the years since learning and sharing all she can about caring for people with dementia, becoming an advocate and source of support for caregivers. She is now a Certified Alzheimer's Disease and Dementia Care Trainer and Certified Dementia Practitioner.

In a post on Instagram, Lewis shared some practical tips for managing “sundowning,” a term for the late afternoon and evening hours when many people with dementia have the hardest time.

In the video, Lewis' daughter Giavanni sings a song of praise that is clearly familiar while Lewis calmly and patiently talks to her mother. She doesn’t force it, but Lewis gently draws Gertrude closer to her as she starts to get upset, and we can see her calming down on the second time through the singing. "Music is a strategy," the text overlay reads.

As Lewis herself says, dementia shows up differently in every single person, but these tips might help caregivers who are feeling at a loss for what else to try.

Watch:

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Lewis shared in the caption:

“Sundowning in Dementia typically occurs in the late afternoon and evening. During this time, your LO [loved one] will experience increased confusion, agitation, mood swings, anxiety, and behaviors will increase.

Sundowning is HARD! Here are a few strategies. As always, these strategies may or may not work with your LO. Try different ones to see what works best for you through observation + data collection.

1. Create a daily consistent routine.
2. Minimize environmental triggers (bright lights, strong smells, textures, etc)
3. Stay calm
4. Use music to soothe your LO
5. Create a relaxing environment
6. Avoid OVERstimulation
7. Contact your physician to discuss alternatives like medicine if you cannot control the behaviors.

For more information, visit incaseiforgetconsulting.com.”

The video brought people to tears as they recalled their own difficult moments with their loved ones.

"This was brutally hard with my mom. You all handled that so beautifully. Thank you for sharing. ❤️" — sarahdodge9

"I take care of a woman with dementia. It’s all about heart and the present moment. ❤️ 🥹" — abanomics

"Glad this is being discussed now so people can learn about it, although I wish it was when my great aunt was still alive. Gosh was it hard. I lived with her for a time to help with care, and nighttime was simultaneously heartbreaking and scary. She’d spend most of the night repeating the same path through the rooms, opening and closing doors, agitated and afraid, looking for her late husband, wondering why I was there (& by 'I' I mean my mother which is who she thought I was). Alzheimer’s is a thief that often steals our loved ones before death." — mamalifemagic

People who have worked with dementia patients offered praise and appreciation for the post as well:

"I work in an acute care hospital and unfortunately see dementia patients at their worst. Unfamiliar environment, minimal family interaction, acutely ill, and so on. Sundowning at the hospital can be extra stressful. This is so lovely to see the care and patience in the home. 💜 And of course the music.💜" — lesismore77

"I formerly worked in recreational therapy in skilled nursing homes and was hired specifically for this purpose (distract from sun downing behavior). Music is such a powerful therapeutic tool and a beautiful way to connect with a loved one with dementia. Wonderful video! 👏❤️" – amynjoedecker

"Thank you for this! I have been a nurse for 24 years and have never seen this kind of love with a pt in an active episode of sundowners. It's tortuous for a loved one to care for someone in this condition because they can no longer regulate their emotions. Our culture here in America has to change to beautiful examples just like this. Loving touch, calm touch, calm tone of voice, beautiful heartfelt song bird of a voice...all my love to all 3 of you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️" — corinnawallen

Lewis shares lots of helpful information for caregivers on her website, www.incaseiforgetconsulting.com, and you can follow her on Instagram here. (And if you want to hear more of that angelic voice of Giavanni's, you can follow her on Instagram as well.

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caregiving

Joy

The restaurant in Japan where getting your order wrong is totally expected and accepted

It's a beautiful example of social inclusion for people with dementia.

Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

At The Restaurant for Mistaken Orders, orders come as placed only 67% of the time.

Imagine you order salmon and green beans at a restaurant and the server brings you steak and potatoes. You'd say something, right? Tell them they got your order wrong? Expect them to fix the mix-up?

Not if you were dining at The Restaurant of Mistaken Orders in Tokyo, Japan, where part of the dining experience is not knowing whether you're going to get what you order. You have about a 1 in 3 chance that you won't, but those odds are in place for the best reason.

The Restaurant of Mistaken Orders employes people with dementia as servers, fully knowing that sometimes they're going to get customers' orders wrong. Customers who eat there know this fact as well. It's all just part of the adventure of dining at a restaurant designed to increase kindness and reduce isolation for people with cognitive impairments.

The pop-up restaurant is a collaboration between creator Shiro Oguni and a group home for people with dementia.

“Like everybody else, my awareness of dementia at first tended towards negative images of people who were ‘radically forgetful’ and ‘aimlessly wandering about,'" Oguni shared with Japan's government website. "But actually, they can cook, clean, do laundry, go shopping and do other ‘normal’ things for themselves."

Oguni was worried at first that people might criticize the concept of the restaurant, as if people with dementia were being treated as a carnival show or being made a laughingstock. But he says that when people see the smiles on the faces of the servers and how much joy and confidence they gain from having a purpose and being viewed as still capable, they are moved.

“The restaurant is not about whether orders are executed incorrectly or not,” noted Oguni. “The important thing is the interaction with people who have dementia.” It's a win-win. The people with dementia aren't as isolated, and 99% of the people who visit The Restaurant of Mistaken Orders leaves feeling happy.

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"Dementia is not what a person is, but just part of who they are," said Oguni. "People are people. The change will not come from them, it must come from society. By cultivating tolerance, almost anything can be solved."

People love the idea of creating a space where people with dementia can work have other people to interact with.

"Kindness, inclusion, and compassion are the hallmarks of making someone feel like a human being despite adversity in their circumstances," shared one commenter on Instagram. "These people are sweet human beings who deserve not to be given up on by society."

"Instead of sticking them in a home and avoiding them, they are including them and giving them the ability to live, a sense of purpose, a reason to smile. I think it's a beautiful concept," wrote another.

"The beauty of a community choosing to meet people where they are instead of forcing them into a mold they no longer fit. Change the mold, change the result. Love this idea," shared another.

Many people pointed to the collectivist mindset in Japan, where societal well-being is more important than individual ambition, as something to aspire to. But even in Japan, The Restaurant of Mistaken Orders is a novel experiment that has proven to be a success.

"The image of ‘Cool Japan’ is recently gathering much enthusiasm, but I think ‘Warm Japan’ is just as important," said Oguni. "I want to promote a Japan that cultivates a warm, comfortable environment, so people will return home with smiles and a glow in their hearts.”

A beautiful goal for any nation to have. Learn more about The Restaurant for Mistaken Orders here.

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inclusion

Health

19 musicals that are not only catchy—they could help with dementia, according to science

Back in 2013, researchers in the U.S. stumbled upon a novel new treatment for dementia patients: listening to show tunes. Seriously.

Photo by Jordhan Madec on Unsplash

A picture taken of the Broadway street sign in New York City.

Back in 2013, researchers in the U.S. stumbled upon a novel new treatment for dementia patients: listening to show tunes. Seriously.

A study of nursing home patients found that residents who sang show tunes — specifically from "Oklahoma!" "The Wizard of Oz," and "The Sound of Music" — demonstrated increased mental performance, according to a report in the New York Daily News:

"Researchers working with elderly residents at an East Coast care home found in a four-month long study ... that people who sang their favorite songs showed a marked improvement compared to those who just listened."

A similar study in Finland, cited in The Guardian, demonstrated that singing not only helped dementia patients feel better and focus, but actually improved certain types of memory as well.

Even better? There are tons of classic show tunes specifically about remembering.

Here are 23 tunes every Broadway fan needs to memorize for the day when it's not so easy to remember. It'll help to start brushing up now.

1. The one about remembering the good old days.

"Those Were the Good Old Days," "Damn Yankees"

If you're the devil in "Damn Yankees," that means the Great Depression, the Black Plague years, and when Jack the Ripper was running around. Good times!

2. The one about remembering a parade that probably never happened.

Any playlist of show tunes about memory has to include this standard from "The Music Man," in which Professor Harold Hill remembers the best day of his life, when "Gilmore, Liberati, Pat Conway, The Great Creatore, W.C. Handy, and John Phillip Sousa all came to town."

Whether or not any of it actually happened is ... up for debate, to put it mildly.

3. The one about remembering a really fun trip you took to a medium-sized Midwestern city.

"Kansas City," "Oklahoma"

"Oklahoma's" Will Parker is so psyched about his Kansas City vacation he can't help bragging about it to all the other cowboys. And why not? It's a neat city! Have you been to Joe's Kansas City Barbecue? Neither has Will Parker, since he was there in 1906, but you should totally go.

4. The one about remembering how fun it was to murder that guy that one time...

"Cell Block Tango," "Chicago"

...while glancing nervously over your shoulder to make sure Queen Latifah isn't around.

5. The one about remembering the questionable choices it's too late to go back in time and not make.

"Where Did We Go Right?" from "The Producers"

Looking back doesn't always go well for characters in musicals. It definitely doesn't for "The Producers'" Bialystock and Bloom, as they tear around their office wondering how their incompetently directed, poorly acted, aggressively pro-Hitler musical wound up becoming a massive hit despite their every attempt to make it fail.

6. The one about remembering the little things.

"I Remember/Stranger Than You Dreamt It," "Phantom of the Opera"

Perhaps the greatest testament to how emotionally transporting "Phantom of the Opera" is: Christine, removing the phantom's mask for the first time, can just straight-up claim to remember mist— like, one mist in particular — and no one calls her on it ever.

7. The one about remembering the worst day of your life.

"The Barber and his Wife," "Sweeney Todd"

No character in musical theater is more nostalgic than Sweeney Todd, who, just moments after we meet him, croons this delightful ditty reminiscing about the time he was framed for a crime he didn't commit and banished from England so that an evil judge could rape his wife who subsequently poisoned herself.

A tune you can hum!

8. The one about remembering things differently than everyone else around you.

"Satisfied," "Hamilton"

Not sure if you've heard, but "Hamilton" is good, you guys.

After Alex and Eliza Schuyler meet and fall in love in "Helpless," Angelica Schuyler basically goes "Wicked" on her sister's song, recalling how agonizing it was watching her sister and the man who she herself is super into get together. But she sucks it up and buries it! Older siblings are the best.

9. The one about remembering that cute girl you just met like five seconds ago.

"Maria," "West Side Story"

A classic from "West Side Story." Sure, it's about remembering a meet-cute that literally just happened — Tony and Maria's orchestral-swell-assisted gaze across a crowded gym — but Tony is super jazzed about it, so it makes the list.

Gosh, I sure hope those crazy kids work out!

10. The one about remembering all the worst things from when you were a kid, and one kind-of-OK thing.

"At the Ballet," "A Chorus Line"

The ballet isn't that great, but it's better than devastating childhood trauma. Score one for the ballet! Thanks, "A Chorus Line!"

11. The one about remembering old hobbies.

"Dentist!" from "Little Shop of Horrors"

"Little Shop of Horrors'" Orin Scrivello, DDS, is just misunderstood. I mean, who among us didn't "shoot puppies," "poison guppies," or "take a pussycat and bash in its head" now and again as a kid? The '50s were a simpler time!

12. The one about remembering watching a dude die on the battlefield and feeling feelings about it.

"Momma Look Sharp," "1776"

47 years before "Hamilton" brought us the swaggery, ass-kicking side of the Revolutionary War, "1776" tore our guts out with this song, in which a courier to the Continental Congress recalls watching a mother comfort a young soldier as he dies at the battles of Lexington and Concord.

Hercules Mulligan does the guest rap. (Just kidding. There is no guest rap. It's just gorgeously somber for a while and then over.)

13. The one about remembering the best four years of your life.

"I Wish I Could Go Back to College," "Avenue Q"

Of course the sad-sack puppet man- and woman-children of "Avenue Q" want to go back to college! Who among us doesn't long for the days of term papers, humiliating romantic encounters, and crushing, debilitating debt? And meal-plan ice cream, too!

14. The one about remembering some A-plus advice from your best friend.

"Cabaret," "Cabaret"

Ladies and gentlemen, Sally Bowles from "Cabaret" is no fool! No matter how many lovers leave, or how much her career nosedives, or how nutty local politics get, she always remembers this important life lesson she learned from her good friend Elsie.

If only you had such a great, wise friend, maybe your outlook would be as good as Sally's. You could be so lucky!

15. The one about remembering last Christmas.

"Halloween," "Rent"

When it comes to the science of memory and cognition, "Rent" asks the big questions:

"Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memories? When single frames from one magic night forever flicker in close-up on the 3-D Imax of my mind?"

Poetic? Pathetic? We report, you decide.

16. The one about remembering everything and realizing how terrible it all was.

"Rose's Turn," "Gypsy"

Ah, yes. "Rose's Turn." The 11 o'clock number to end all 11 o'clock numbers in "Gypsy," the most musical of all musicals. Truly, there aren't many things more enjoyable than listening to Mama Rose replay the events of the last decade and change inside her own brain in a slow-motion nervous breakdown as the notion that her entire life has been completely worthless gradually dawns on her with ever-increasing dread.

Did I mention how fun musicals are?

Trivia time! You know that thing in music where trumpets go, "Ya da da da daaaa DA. Da DA da DA!" You know that thing? This is the song that thing comes from.

17. The one about remembering the first time you knew what you wanted to be when you grew up.

"Ring of Keys," "Fun Home"

There's nothing better than a song that makes you want to shout: "I am so glad I'm watching a musical instead of a basketball game right now." This moment in "Fun Home," where Alison recalls seeing a delivery woman — the first person who looked like the woman she felt like — is really, really one of them.

"This is a song of identification that is a turning moment, when you think you’re an alien and you hear someone else say, 'Oh, me too,'" composer Jeanine Tesori told Variety. "It’s a gamechanger for Alison. And that’s just Musical Theater 101."

...And the entire audience bursts into happy tears forever.

18. The one about remembering a nice dream you dreamed.

"I Dreamed a Dream," "Les Misérables"

When your life isn't going so great, it's good to remember the positive! Things didn't exactly go super well for Fantine in "Les Mis." But, hey, she had a pretty good dream once!

19. The one about remembering your single greatest regret and vowing to never remember it again.

"Turn It Off," "The Book of Mormon"

What's the ticket to living as fun-loving and guilelessly as the Mormon elders in "The Book of Mormon?" Don't just bury those traumatic, scary, impure memories — CRUSH THEM, OK?!

20. The one about remembering a really successful first date.

"Sarah Brown Eyes," "Ragtime"

Ah, young love. Even in "Ragtime," a musical that features racism, state violence, attempted child murder, and terrorism, at least we have this song, in which Coalhouse Walker Jr. recalls how he got his beloved Sarah to fall truly, madly, deeply in love with him with his peerless piano skills? So romantic.

Gosh, I sure hope those crazy kids work out!

21. The one about remembering a scary dream.

"Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat," "Guys and Dolls"

With, perhaps, only a smidge more credibility than grifter-from-another-mother Professor Harold Hill, "Guys and Dolls'" third-most-degenerate gambler Nicely-Nicely Johnson recalls a terrifying dream where he had to convince a group of skeptical evangelical crusaders that he's decided to give up the dice once and for all.

Side note: People in musicals are unbelievably good at remembering dreams. This is, like, full detail. I'd be like, "Um, I was at the Statue of Liberty, and you were there? I think? It wasn't really you, it was like a combination of you and my dad. And we were in prison. But at the Statue of Liberty."

22. The one about remembering how it used to be when you were young and full of hope instead of old and bitter and jaded.

"Our Time," "Merrily We Roll Along"

The closing number of "Merrily We Roll Along" is actually the first chronologically, since the musical goes backward. It's the play's happiest moment — Frank, Charley, and Mary on a roof watching Sputnik go by, giddily talking about how thrilling, perfect, and successful their futures are going to be. It's so hopeful! But so sad, 'cause you already know all the achingly bittersweet stuff that's going to happen.

Ach! So poignant! I'm dead from poignant.

23. The one about remembering.

"Memory," "Cats"

"Cats." The OG.

All right team, what did I miss?

This article originally appeared on 02.26.16

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Family

Woman shares a heart-wrenchingly beautiful exchange with her dad who has dementia

The love is there, even if he doesn't remember why.

Photo by Tara Winstead/Pexels

It's helpful to see examples of loving a family member through dementia.

Any family who has had a loved one suffer from dementia knows how incredibly difficult it can be. The CDC estimates that 5.8 million people in the United States have Alzheimer's disease and related dementias, which means many millions more are serving as caregivers for family members with dementia.

Alzheimer's is the most common cause of dementia, but there are others. For instance, alcohol abuse can cause dementia, which is what happened to the father of a woman named Bailey who has been sharing their mutual journey on TikTok.

Bailey's dad, Scott, was diagnosed with Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome (caused by vitamin B1 deficiency due to alcohol abuse) earlier this year, and he has been living with Bailey for the past six months. In her videos, Bailey gives glimpses of daily life with her dad and the ups and downs of helping him manage a life with missing memories.

One thing Bailey's videos show is that dementia is not a one-size-fits-all condition. As with most people with dementia, Scott has good days and bad days, but his ability to communicate what he's feeling even when he's confused is quite incredible.

Not being remembered by your own parent, however, isn't easy. And figuring out how to communicate with a loved one who doesn't know who you are without scaring or confusing them further is a huge challenge. But Bailey shared an exchange with her father that beautifully illustrates how their emotional connection is still there, even if he doesn't remember why.

In the video, Scott tells Bailey that her calling him "Dad" freaks him out. He says he has feelings for her and knows that she is important to him, but that he doesn't think he's her dad. He also says he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. She explains how she feels about him and offers to call him Scott if he prefers, and the whole interaction is just beautiful.

Watch:

@baileyrosek
Some days are easier than others.. i miss you dad, but i love you very much, Scott. #dementiaawareness #wernickesencephalopathy #caregiversoftiktok #parentofmyparents

"Some days are easier than others," Bailey wrote in the caption. "I miss you dad, but I love you very much, Scott."

Seeing Bailey's family navigate the hard parts as well as the healing that has come from Scott's illness is truly eye-opening. Those who are going through a similar journey might find inspiration in how they communicate with one another and those who haven't seen much dementia firsthand can learn what it might look like.

Of course, each person's experience is unique and you can't always apply what works for one person to another, but there's a lot all of us can learn from witnessing others handle something so difficult with grace and patience and love.

@baileyrosek
I love you dad. If you haven’t yet, go hug your parents/loved ones today. #dementiaawareness #youarenotalone #ilovemyparents #fyp #fatherdaughterlove

Bailey's family has experienced a change in Scott's behavior that has actually been positive in some ways. She has said he has become more pleasant to be around, and some of her videos showing his emotional accessibility and willingness to apologize for hurtful things he'd done are so moving.

@baileyrosek
People change and we believe in second chances. As sad as this has been, it’s a second chance for all of us 🤍#caregiversoftiktok #foryoupage #wernickekorsakoffawareness #tbisurvivor #parentofmyparents #ilovemyfamily

And Bailey's way of entering his world, helping him figure out what's real when he's open to it and going along with where and who he thinks he is when correcting him would just cause more confusion is a masterclass in communicating with someone with dementia. It can't be easy, but she excels at it.

@baileyrosek
Replying to @hiddenstyle4 we have happy convos all the time! :) #caregiversoftiktok #dementiaawareness #wernickesencephalopathy #wetbrain #parentofmyparents

Thanks to Bailey for being vulnerable enough to share her family's experiences so the world can see examples of patiently loving someone through dementia, and so those who are going through something similar know they are not alone.

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