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Mental Health

Cole Escola's touching insight about dementia has people moved to tears

"We were meeting in the middle of her memory."

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Cole Escola poses in front of a bright wall.

How many people can say they were a finalist for a Pulitzer Prize for a comedy they wrote? What if the comedy was a re-imagining Mary Todd Lincoln as a resentful manic-pixie dream girl with a drinking problem and dreams of becoming a cabaret star? Cole Escola can. (It's a very small, specific list.)

Cole (who uses they/them pronouns) is the writer and star of the Tony-nominated Broadway hit Oh Mary! and simply never stops pushing boundaries. But as hilarious as they are, they are equally as vulnerable and thoughtful when it comes to sensitive life issues. Always a writer, Cole sees the world through an extremely unique, one-of-a-kind lens and pushes people to think about comedy, tragedy, love, adversity, addiction, death, and everything in between in a way not often seen.

Just this past week, Cole gave a candid interview to Mo Rocca on CBS Sunday Morning. One topic they discussed is how, after a traumatic event with their father at around age five, they moved in with their grandmother. Cole explains, "She had the early stages of Alzheimer's, so she would repeat stories a lot. But I loved them. I loved her stories."

"I realize now that when she would tell these stories, we were meeting in the middle of her memory. She was living out the fantasy of her childhood, and I was also living out my fantasy of being a young girl on a farm in Alberta." When asked if they minded being told the same story, Cole answered, "No. I loved it."

The comment section, just from this clip alone, generated a lighthouse of support. One person writes, "Just when you think you can’t love Cole anymore, they drop something like this that gives you another level of respect for them." Like many, people acknowledge how inspired and moved Cole makes them, whether through laughter or tears. "You’ve made me laugh for years and now you’ve made me cry."

But it's from the standpoint of Cole's love and respect for their grandmother that seems to truly resonate. "So beautiful. Cole is a treasure, and it sounds like their grandmother was too." And as a grandmother themselves, this commenter shares, "Littles love to hear stories over and over. My grandbaby says 'Keep telling me the story, I want to hear it again and again!' So adorable. Glad you were able to find comfort with your gramma."

Using storytelling as a healing device for people with types of dementia and their loved ones and caregivers is popular among many doctors and therapists. It's not just reading and sharing stories with the patients, but letting them share their stories, too. A 2012 NPR: article notes that, "Storytelling is one of the most ancient forms of communication—it's how we learn about the world. It turns out that for people with dementia, storytelling can be therapeutic. It gives people who don't communicate well a chance to communicate. And you don't need any training to run a session."

stories, storytelling, elderly people, dementia, therapyTwo elderly people have a conversation. Photo by Cristina Gottardi on Unsplash

The piece also cites Anne Basting, the founder of a program called TimeSlips, whose aim is to help empower people to use stories to express themselves, no matter their memory ability. "Our bold vision is that creative expression, growth, and meaning is available to us all at every stage of life, wherever we live and whatever our abilities," they share.

Basting explains, "People with dementia start to forget their social role; they might not remember they're a spouse...a parent. They need a social role through which they can express who they are, and the role of storyteller really supplies that."

Cole Escola, even at a very young age, tapped into this empathetic wisdom. They continue to lovingly honor their grandmother by being an incredible storyteller in their own right.

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Joy

Man honors his father's caregiver with emotional speech at his funeral

"Caregivers like him don't get the recognition they deserve."

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Man publicly honors his father's caregiver at his funeral.

Caregiving is often a thankless job. But when author Carlos Whittaker's (@loswhit) father Fermin passed away from dementia, he made sure to publicly honor his caregiver, Bradley, at his funeral.

In an emotional video shared on Instagram, while giving a speech at his father Fermin's funeral, Whittaker called out Bradley to sincerely thank him for the diligent care he provided throughout his father's life. And there was not a dry eye in the church.

"At my father’s funeral, I took a moment to honor someone special—Bradley, his full-time caregiver," he shared in the post's caption. "He stood by my mom and cared for my dad with unwavering dedication. Caregivers like him don’t get the recognition they deserve, and I’m so grateful. Thank you, Bradley, for everything. If you know someone who is a caregiver…Send them a message and thank them today."

The video beings with Whittaker standing behind a pulpit in a church where the funeral is being held. In part of his speech, he acknowledges Bradley for his selfless care of Fermin.

"I want to thank someone that cared for my dad the past year. Bradley, are you in the room? Can you actually stand up if you wouldn't mind?" he says as his voice cracks. "This man right here stood next to my mother and helped care for my father, and I want to say thank you. Caregivers do not get the respect and honor they deserve. And I want to say thank you so much for taking care of my father."

The camera pans to Bradley, who is standing up and wiping away tears as the crowd gives him a round of applause. After the speech, the camera pans back to Whittaker, who is also wiping away tears with a tissue.

In the comment section Bradley himself commented on the video. "It was my pleasure 🙏 I'm forever grateful and honored that I got to care for your father. You all will forever be apart of my journey ❤️," he wrote.

The impactful video resonated deeply with viewers. "As a nurse it means a lot to see caregivers recognized, what an angel on earth he was for your family and I’m sure so many others 🙌🏻🥹," one wrote. Another commented, "My grandma just passed away from dementia last week & her full time caregiver loved her so incredibly well. We are forever thankful." Another viewer added, "So wonderful that Bradley could be there and you could honor him. He clearly loves your parents 💜."

In another touching post, Whittaker honored his dad by sharing a poem he wrote on the day he was to be buried about dealing with his grief. "I hate this. I hate that I don’t get to smell your bald head again. I hate that I don’t get to feel your wink across the room. I hate that I don’t get to hold your hand. But I love—so much—that I got to be your son."

It was another impactful post for his followers. "I know these feelings. I weep as I read your words. They are a reminder that my dad is more alive than ever," one commented. And another shared, "I know these words are your heart, but they said so much of what is in mine, too. Thank you. Praying for you and your family."

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Wellness

A woman with dementia adored her haircut. Her husband's letter to the stylist is everything.

"Looking back, it was likely dozens of haircuts you gave that day. But one which revitalized a woman's sense of self and her singular beauty."

Image by Michelle Maria from Pixabay, Sara Verkuilen/Instagram

Grab a tissue, folks, because this is one of those stories that has almost too much love and goodness to bear in it.

Sara Verkuilen was working at Hair Cuttery in Round Lake Beach, Illinois last winter when an older couple walked in for a haircut. "I don't think I had ever done their hair before," Verkuilen told Upworthy. "They were walk-ins."

The man and his wife were "just really cute together," she recalled. "He was so sweet with her and obviously very in love."

Little did Verkuilen know how much of an impression her personal service and professional skills would have on both them that day.

The stylist shared a letter she received recently from the husband, signed only as "a grateful customer." The letter reads:

"Dear Sara,

This is a little bit awkward. But I've waited a really long time to pass this on to you.

My wife and I came in for haircuts shortly before Christmas of last year.

My wife was suffering from dementia, and you treated her as if you'd been working with dementia patients all your life. You let us sit next to each other, and when it came time for her cut you turned her chair towards me so I could watch her expression as you cut her hair.

It turned out even better than I thought it would.

Sadly, she died in March. And that haircut was one of the last, best moments of her life. She felt so pretty. She visited the mirror in her bathroom several times during the day and would come out beaming.

To see her so happy was priceless.

Looking back, it was likely dozens of haircuts you gave that day. But one which revitalized a woman's sense of self and her singular beauty. I hope you always realize the power of your profession.

It's so easy to take things like that for granted.

Sincerely,

A grateful customer"

Verkuilen said she wishes she could contact the man.

She doesn't remember the couple's name and the letter didn't give any personal information, but it meant a great deal to her to receive it. She says she'd been feeling kind of stuck and bored in her career, which she's been in about eight years, and this letter gave her the boost she needed.

"Receiving this letter was a huge reminder why I do what I do," she said. "It's an amazing feeling seeing someone look in the mirror after a transformation and smiling. Seeing how beautiful they feel, how confidence levels change. But it's an extremely difficult career. I get burnt out easily. I hope this letter can restore faith in other stylists that are maybe doubting if this career is right for them. We touch more than hair and I hope all the stylists out there realize how important they are and how what we do can have such an impact on our clients."

She also hopes seeing the letter helps clients understand that stylists don't "just cut hair."

What a beautiful reminder to appreciate people who work in service jobs, the little things that make us happy, the "singular beauty" of our loved ones, and the time we have with them.


This article originally appeared five years ago.

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Mental Health

Psychologist shares beautiful advice for talking to people with dementia

"This isn't 'playing along to pacify the old guy,' this is an opportunity..."

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Dr. David McPhee offers advice for talking to someone living in a different time in their head.

Few things are more difficult than watching a loved one's grip on reality slipping away. Dementia can be brutal for families and caregivers, and knowing how to handle the various stages can be tricky to figure out.

The Alzheimer's Association offers tips for communicating in the early, middle and late stages of the disease, as dementia manifests differently as the disease progresses. The Family Caregiver Alliance also offers advice for talking to someone with various forms and phases of dementia. Some communication tips deal with confusion, agitation and other challenging behaviors that can come along with losing one's memory, and those tips are incredibly important. But what about when the person is seemingly living in a different time, immersed in their memories of the past, unaware of what has happened since then?

Psychologist David McPhee shared some advice with a person on Quora who asked, "How do I answer my dad with dementia when he talks about his mom and dad being alive? Do I go along with it or tell him they have passed away?"

McPhee wrote:

"Enter into his reality and enjoy it. He doesn't need to be 'oriented.' Thank God the days are gone when people with advanced dementia were tortured by huge calendars and reminder signs and loved ones were urged to 'orient' them to some boring current 'reality.'

If dad spends most of his time in 1959, sit with him. Ask questions he didn't have time for before. Ask about people long dead, but alive to him, learn, celebrate your heritage. His parents are alive to him. Learn more about your grandparents. If he tells the same story over and over, appreciate it as if it's music, and you keep coming back to the beautiful refrain.

This isn't 'playing along to pacify the old guy,' this is an opportunity to communicate and treasure memories real but out of time."

People on Quora loved the thoughtful, compassionate advice. Many people shared that they had taken this approach with their relatives with good results, and people who work with dementia patients confirmed it also. Some said that "orienting" to present reality may be helpful for people in the early stages of dementia, but not necessarily in the middle or later stages.

Of course, caregivers know that dementia means more than simply living in another time period in your head, and that talking with a person with dementia might require different skills and approaches on different days. But this advice to learn about a loved one's past may come in handy for family members who feel sad or hurt that they aren't being remembered in the present. It may help to see it as an opportunity to time travel with the person rather than a loss. When a person is deep in their long-term memory, you may be surprised and delighted by what you can discover.

People with dementia don't need to be brought back to the present if it's just going to confuse or irritate them. If they are in a safe place and are being watched over so they don't wander or do something dangerous, let them be. Join them in their past world and get to know them in a way you may not have had the opportunity to otherwise.

Solid advice, Dr. McPhee. Thank you for sharing it publicly.


This article originally appeared four years ago.

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