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People are sharing their favorite quote from a comedian. Here are 20 of the best.

There are some killer one-liners in here.

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald
via Bonnie/Wikimedia Commons, Alan Gastelum/Wikimedia Commons, Underbelly Limited/Wikimedia Commons

Comedians George Carlin, Jim Gaffigan and Joan Rivers

Reddit user cutecutejames posted a great question on the AskReddit subforum: “What is a quote from a comedian you'll never forget?” The post quickly went viral, receiving over 10,700 responses on the first day. Of the countless comedians mentioned in the thread, Norm Macdonald appears to be the most quotable.

Sadly, Macdonald died of cancer in 2021, but he was famous for his outlandish musings, delivered in a dry, deliberate tone. Macdonald is best known as a stand-up comedian, but he was also memorable on television as a cast member on "Saturday Night Live" from 1993 to 1997 and on his sitcom, “The Norm Show.” Two other deceased funnymen were often quoted in the discussion, Mitch Hedberg and George Carlin.

Hedberg’s comedy was based on short, memorable one-liners filled with absurdity. He passed away in 2005 from a drug overdose. George Carlin is often listed among the greatest stand-up comedians of all time and was a voice of the counterculture in the ‘60s and ‘70s. Later in life, his comedy evolved into a nihilistic criticism of American life that, for many, is still relevant today.

“It's called 'the American Dream' 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it,” Carlin said.

Here are 21 of the funniest and most poignant quotes from a comedian shared on the AskReddit forum.

1.

Jabazaba wrote:

"Every time you clog a toilet, you exceeded someone’s expectations." — Unknown

2.

ShofarD**kSwordFight wrote:

"Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work." — Norm Macdonald

This came from Macdonald's memoir, "Based on a True Story," a must-read for Norm fans. My favorite thing about this line is that it was a sort of random throwaway, almost an afterthought, as he was expressing disdain for a doctor who told a joke and got a big laugh from everyone else in the room.

And that doctor's joke? It was Macdonald's own moth story.

3.

NotoriousREV wrote:

“I’m not an adventurous person. I’ve only ever used one side of a cheese grater.” — James Acaster

4.

TheZMage wrote:

“I’ve started cooking with wine. That sounds so fancy, cooking with wine. What I do is I get drunk and I make rice. I tell my friends ‘come over, I’m cooking with wine.’ They come over, I’m drunk, and there’s rice everywhere.” — Kevin Nealon

5.

Biggoofydoofus wrote:

"What is it like to have four kids? Imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby." — Jim Gaffigan

6.

Mysterious-Judge-333 wrote:

"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread." — Mitch Hedberg

7.

SalveBrutus wrote:

“Cocaine is God's way of saying you make too much money." — Robin Williams

8.

NecroeJoe wrote:

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." — Bob Newhart

9.

KingNewbie wrote:

“People say someone lost their battle with cancer. But if someone dies from cancer, the cancer dies too. I’d call that a draw.” — Norm MacDonald

10.

ElvishMystical wrote:

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States." — Spike Milligan

11.

Active Oppressor wrote:

"When you are on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way." — Richard Pryor

12.

Buttflakes27 wrote:

"I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic...in morse code." — Emo Phillips

13.

ZorroMeansFox wrote:

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx

14.

Mikethereddit wrote:

"I didn't want to be Drunk in Public. I wanted to be drunk in a bar. They THREW me into public." — Ron White

15.

Heckhammer wrote:

"I know I'm getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!" — Rodney Dangerfield

16.

OneFingerIn wrote:

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." — George Carlin

17.

SoftwareAlert7192 wrote:

"When you got a career there ain't enough time in the world...when you got a job there's too much time." — Chris Rock

18.

Megsy73_Idgaf

"She had enough plastic surgery so that when she crossed her legs, her mouth snapped open." — Joan Rivers

19.

NotaDogIswear wrote:

"Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in." — Doug Stanhope

20.

Freedomdeliverus wrote:

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while.

Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, 'Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, 'Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.'

And we … kill those people.

'Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.'

It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride.

And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace." — Bill Hicks

This article originally appeared two years ago.

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15 years ago, a Russian gymnast was interrupted by her 2-year-old daughter. It became a historic performance.

"This is beyond beautiful. 🥲"

dance, motherhood, mommy daughter dance, mother daughter relationship, parenting, wholesome
Umi4ika/Youtube

Svetlana Putintseva with her daughter Masha.

In 2005 at only 18 years old, Russian rhythmic gymnast Svetlana Putintseva became a world champion, after which she retired and eventually became a mom. Then, in 2011, Putintseva came out of retirement for one special Gala performance.

Little did anyone know that her then two-year-old daughter named Masha would be the key to making that performance so special.

As the story goes, the young child refused to leave her side that night. But rather than stopping the performance, Putintseva did what so many incredible moms do: she masterfully held space for two different identities.

As we see in the video below, Putintseva simply brought Masha onto the dance floor and incorporated her into the routine—holding and comforting her at times, performing impressive moves while she ran around at others…letting it all become a lively, endearing interaction rather than a rote routine. It became something really touching:

Watch:

Now, a bit of fact-checking as this video has once again started going viral. Despite what many captions say, Putintseva‘s daughter was likely always a planned part of the performance (the tiny leotard is a bit of a giveaway). But that doesn’t really take away from the message behind it: motherhood weaves another soul into one's identity, forever. And one of the biggest lessons it teaches is how to hold someone else steady, all while becoming ourselves.

Every day, moms are engaging in a similar type of “dance”: navigating through the world while guiding and nurturing their little ones. It probably doesn't always feel quite as graceful as what Putintseva put out, and, yet, it is just as beautiful.

dance, motherhood, mommy daughter dance, mother daughter relationship, parenting, wholesome A mother hugging her daughter.Photo credit: Canva

Maybe so many thought it was an improvised moment because improvising is a very real parent superpower. That’s certainly the takeaway we get from some of these lovely comments:

“You cannot control life but you can learn to dance with it. 🤍”

"This is beyond beautiful. 🥲"

“If this isn't a metaphor for motherhood. We improvise so much.”

“A mother’s unconditional love 🥹❤️ She just made my whole month.”

“I do this sometimes while deejaying. My daughter comes up so I hit the slicer and let her chop it up. A few chops and she is happy and goes about her business. 🥰”

“I can see my daughter doing this to me soon whenever I get up on stage on perform. She already stares long and hard at me whenever I am onnstage singing. She doesn't take her eyes off me. Sure she would be running up to stand with me when she starts walking 😂😂 i look forward to it tho”

“Sobbing 😭😭😭😭 As a dancer who hasn’t performed since having a kid, this inspires me in so many ways 🥹🥹 So beautiful and it’s clear that she admires her mom so much 🥰”

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Though not much is written on Putintseva following this performance, one blog post says that Masha has followed in her footsteps by getting into rhythmic gymnastics. Maybe it all started with this one performance. ❤️

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Her groundbreaking theory on the origin of life was rejected 15 times. Then biology proved her right.

Lynn Margulis had the audacity to challenge Darwin. And we're lucky she did.

lynn margulis, lynn margulis symbiosis, biology, scientific breakthroughs, darwin, darwinism, women in science
Facts That Will Blow Your Mind/Facebook

A photo of Lynn Margulis.

Throughout her prolific and distinguished career, biologist Lynn Margulis made several groundbreaking contributions to science that we take for granted as common knowledge today. For example, she championed James E. Lovelock’s “Gaia concept,” which posited that the Earth self-regulates to maintain conditions for life.

But by far, her most notable theory was symbiogenesis. While it was first written off as “strange” and “aesthetically pleasing” but “not compelling,” it would ultimately prevail, and completely rewrite how we viewed the origin of life itself.

In the late 1960s, Margulis wrote a paper titled "On the Origin of Mitosing Cells," that was quite avant-garde. In it, she proposed a theory: that life evolved through organisms merging together to become inseparable.

In essence, cooperation is the driver of life, not competition and domination. This directly went against Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” principle that was considered gospel in scientific circles. Margulis’ paper was rejected by fifteen journals before getting accepted into the Journal of Theoretical Biology.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Time would be on Margulis’ side, however. By the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, research proved that the two major building blocks of plants and animals, chloroplasts and mitochondria were at one time independent bacteria. This solidified the fact that on a biological level, connection trumps autonomy for longevity. And now that fact is written in textbooks, with no real story of the adversity it overcame to get there.

While it is customary for most new scientific theories to be met with criticism, especially those that completely shift the current narrative, many have noted that sexism played a key part in Margulis’ initial lack of acceptance. On more than one occasion, she herself had hinted that women were seen as mothers and wives first, and scientists second. She recalled that while married to fellow scientist Carl Sagan that “Carl would finish his sentence, unperturbed” while she was expected to “handle all the duties of a 1950s housewife, from washing dishes to paying the household bills.”

And yet, Margulis would have other ideas that were controversial that had nothing to do with her gender. Most famously, she did not believe that AIDS was caused by HIV, and instead believed it was cause by a syphilis-causing type of bacteria, despite there already being decades of research proving otherwise. That view was seen as an endorsement of AIDS denialism, which undermined prevention and treatment effort. Then later in life, Margulis became a vocal proponent of 9/11 conspiracy theories suggesting government involvement the in Twin Towers attacks.

And yet, perhaps this is one of those “you gotta take the good with the bad” situations. Margulis’ inherent contrarian nature gave us both these unfounded, even harmful stances, in addition to entirely new paradigms that altered our understanding of life itself.

And if nothing else, it illuminated the need for science to include multiple points of view in order to unlock the truth. It seems life is, after all, about coming together.

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Woman says we are 'severely underreacting' to octopuses, then proves she's not wrong

"However impressed or fascinated you are by octopuses, it's honestly probably not enough."

octopus, octopuses, wildlife, ocean life, marine life
Photo credit: Canva

Octopuses are just wildly interesting creatures.

What creatures have eight legs, nine brains, and dozens of fun and fascinating facts about them? Octopuses, of course. (Wait, is octopuses or octopi? Octopodes, perhaps?)

However interesting we think our suction-cupped, cephalopodic friends are, we're probably selling them short. That's the contention of Sarah, a comedic content creator on TikTok who's been sharing everything she's learned about octopuses, because they're far more bizarre than we might think.

"However impressed or fascinated you are by octopuses, it's honestly probably not enough," she says. "We are severely underreacting to octopuses collectively."

Once you see her video, it's clear she's not wrong.

@sarahmakesmelaugh

Octopuses are fascinating and I DO want to hold a tiny guy if possible just putting that out in to the universe 😬🐙#creatorsearchinsights #octopus #weirdanimals #animalfacts #didyouknow

With a hilariously understated sense of humor, Sarah shares facts like the idea that octopuses don't have tentacles, as many of us have been led to believe, but arms instead. Tentacles have suckers only at the end, while an octopus's arms have them from top to bottom.

"They decorate their front yards with shells and other shiny things they find in the ocean," Sarah says, adding, "I wonder if they judge other octopuses for how they decorate their front yard. Like, is there an octopus HOA?"

Sarah points out that The Beatles' song "Octopus's Garden" was inspired by this delightful fact.

Many of us know that octopuses are smart, but we may not know that they have a brain in each arm in addition to the brain in their heads, which is shaped like a donut. They can solve mazes and complete tricky tasks. And if their beak can fit through a hole, so can their whole body.

"So a fully grown giant Pacific octopus, which can literally be 30 feet long, can fit through a hole the size of a lemon," says Sarah. "And I don't care for that, particularly. I would never say that to an octopus's face because, evidently, they can recognize us, which I find unsettling. Note to self: Do not be mean to an octopus."

Because each arm has its own brain, it can operate independently, complete with its own sensory system.

Octopus, octopus arms, ocean life, marine life, octopus brains Each of those arms has its own brain?Photo credit: Canva

"I feel like they're smarter than us," Sarah says. "Are we confident they're not smarter than us? For instance, they will prank their prey. You know the joke where like old men will tap you on one shoulder, but surprise, they're at the other shoulder? Octopus do that. If they're hunting a shrimp, they'll tap it on the faraway shoulder so the shrimp runs directly into them. Like, 'gotcha!' I don't want octopus to do gotcha."

On a positive note, Sarah shows some examples of exquisitely colorful octopuses, though some of the most "fancy and beautiful" ones are also highly venomous.

That may have been the end of Sarah's video, but she wasn't finished. There's a part two that features blanket octopuses, the female superheroes of the sea. And that's not even the wildest part:

@sarahmakesmelaugh

Replying to @LalainID did yall know about the blanket octopus and didn’t tell me? Except those of you who did thank you 😂 #octopus #animalfacts #science #learnontiktok #learnwithme


A male blanket octopus is basically an inch tall and the female can grow to over six feet. The males can fit inside the pupil of the female's eye. What?! Basically, their only job is to produce sperm, which just raises way too many questions.

Sarah also talks about the mimic octopus, which she calls "the Jafar of the ocean" because it's basically a sorcerer (and one of them genuinely looks like Jafar from Aladdin).

That wasn't all. Even after the second video, she still wasn't done. Part three was every bit as fascinating, terrifying, wonderful, and chuckle-worthy as the first two (and also slightly NSFW in the most PG way possible):

@sarahmakesmelaugh

More Octopus species, this could go on forever y’all 😂 #octopus #weirdanimals #learnwithme #funfacts #creatorsearchinsights

The blob octopus? Who even knew? The eighth-arm situation is too much. Sarah was 100% right. We are, collectively, not reacting to octopuses nearly as strongly as we should be.

You can follow Sarah (@SarahMakesMeLaugh) on TikTok.

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Millennials and Gen Z ditched top sheets much to the dismay of older generations. Who's right?

Team duvet or team top sheet?

top sheet, flat sheet, bedding, duvet, generations, millennials, Gen Z, hygiene, sleep, making the bed
Canva Photos

A woman sleeps peacefully in bed.

Once again, the youngins are flabbergasting the older generations with their disregard for once-important things they now deem unnecessary. There's always something that gets dropped or altered generation to generation. We learn better ways to do things and technology makes certain practices obsolete. But in one area, it doesn't matter how far we've come: our beds still need sheets to cover the mattress.

The debate is on the use of top sheets, also known as flat sheets. They're the sheets that keep your body from touching the comforter, and most Gen X and Boomers are firmly for the use of top sheets as a hygiene practice. The idea is the top sheet keeps your dead skin cells and body oils from dirtying your comforter, causing you to have to wash it more often.

Apparently, Millennials and Gen Zers are uninterested in using a top sheet while sleeping. In fact, they'd rather just get a duvet cover, though they may be cumbersome. A duvet cover can be washed fairly frequently, but some may opt for a simple comforter, a cheaper option that should be washed even more often. Still, many young people don't care how much more frequently they'll need to wash their comforters because their distain for a top sheet is that strong.

top sheet, flat sheet, bedding, duvet, generations, millennials, Gen Z, hygiene, sleep, making the bed A man sleeps peacefully. Canva Photos

But why on earth do Millennials and Gen Zers hate top sheets? It turns out it's mostly about practicality. Many Millennials are on the move holding a full-time job and a side hustle or two to make ends meet. Thus, to add an extra step when making the bed seems unnecessary.

“For a younger demographic, eliminating that step when making the bed in the morning really gives you a jump start on the day," Ariel Kay, CEO of Parachute tells Wall Street Journal.

Parachute is a company that offers bedding sets sans top sheets for folks who just don't like them and, boy, has Kay heard everyone's unsolicited opinions on the matter. She told WSJ that people will stop her on the street to get into debates about the importance or unimportance of top sheets. Yikes.

In a since deleted tweet, @JesseLynnHarte writes, "People say millennials 'killed' chain restaurants, marriage, & napkins... But WHEN will they acknowledge our greatest take-down yet?? TOP SHEETS. I don’t know a single millennial who uses one. Top sheets are archaic. This is just the truth."

It would seem that Millennials and Gen Z would much rather wash their duvet covers weekly than to add a flat sheet into the mix. One big complaint about the flat sheet that adds another con to the list is they get bunched up or tangled around your legs if you're a restless sleeper. Not everyone likes hotel tucked corners on their sheets because it can feel confining.

top sheet, flat sheet, bedding, duvet, generations, millennials, Gen Z, hygiene, sleep, making the bed Woman snuggled in bed.Canva Photos

But if you run hot, Boomers and Gen Xers might be onto something with the top sheet. It would seem that that thin piece of material that irritates some people can help control your body temperature according to USA Today. Even if you don't tend to need the cooling effect of a top sheet, what Mary Johnson, Tide Principal Scientist at Procter & Gamble has to say in a USA Today follow up article, just may make you rethink ditching the top sheet.

Simply by existing, "people produce one liter of sweat, 40 grams of sebum, 10 grams of salt, and 2 billion skin cells. All that stuff that happens below the waist [and] up by your head—skincare products, hair care products, ear wax, snot, drool, lots of really gross stuff—is transferred to your sheets," Johnson tells the outlet.

So whether you're team top sheet or not, it may be a good idea to at least wash whatever you use to cover your bed at least once a week. It couldn't hurt.

@goodhousekeepingofficial

We asked the #GoodHousekeeping team what they really think about #topsheets, and the answers might surprise you. 😆 Keep watching to find out where everyone stands in this epic #bedding #debate.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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Americans share the 15 funniest things they've heard non-Americans say about what the U.S. is like

"A French guy asked me if we really put ranch on everything."

american, americans, proud american, funny things about americans, people in the united states, hilarious americans, united states
Photo credit: Canva

Non-Americans share the funniest things they've heard about what Americans are like.

The United States is unlike any other country in the world. From its sheer size to the abundance of free refills, it's a place and culture that many non-Americans can't wrap their heads around.

On the flip side, it can lead to lots of funny (and sometimes true) assumptions about what the United States and American culture is really like. A Reddit user asked Americans for “the funniest thing a foreigner has said to you about America.”

The answers were a great mix of cultural misunderstandings, myth-busting, and much-needed geography lessons. Here are 15 of the funniest things non-Americans have told Americans about the U.S.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

1. Slick Willy

"While being transported from the airport to the hotel in Morocco, the cab driver said, 'American?' I responded, 'Yes.' His response: 'Ahhh yes. Bill Clinton.'"

"Buddy was in Eastern Europe in the 90s, and a little old lady who spoke no English found out he was American and just said 'Monica Lewinsky' and then laughed."

2. American monsters

"An International Student (from Malta) and I were hanging out at the 'Smoker's Lounge,' aka the place in front of the dorms where people smoked. A raccoon popped out of one of the trash cans, and he freaked out and said that the animals in North America were the size of monsters."

3. It's a big country

"A Japanese person once told me that the US is 'enviably wide.'"

"Because Japan is similarly tall, but lamentably skinny."

japan, size of japan, size of united states, japan vs united states, map of united states The size of Japan compared to the United States.Image via Wikimedia

4. Melon farmers?

"A guy from the UK I know loves to refer to Americans as melon farmers. Melon farming imbeciles. Doesn't know what some object I refer to is? Must be some kind of weird melon farming contraption. Where have I been the last few days? Must have been tending to my melon farm. I wish I had a backyard instead of a dumb asphalt apartment parking lot? Ah, I must be missing life back on my melon farm."

5. No wood houses

"This man I knew in college was from rural Kenya. Apparently, your temporary house was constructed of wood. Folks that had gained enough wealth no longer had a wooden house."

"We had a guy from Kenya bring pumpkin spice muffins to a potluck. He said something like 'I see how you keep pumpkins on your porches, so I figured you must really love them.'"

6. We love ranch

"A French guy asked me if we really put ranch on everything. I said, 'Yes, even salad,' and he stared at me like I’d just admitted to living in a dumpster."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

7. Guns, guns, guns

"A Persian man that I worked with did a redneck impression. He said 'I'm an American and I like guns and Jesus' in a perfect southern accent."

"When I lived in Italy, one of the first questions my neighbors asked was 'How many guns do you have and where do you keep them all?' They were absolutely floored that I didn’t own any guns."

8. Small world

"A waiter in Prague asked where I was from. I told him Boston. He said, 'Oh, I have a friend named Tomas Dvorak in Wyoming. Do you know him?'"

9. We love peanut butter

"When I studied abroad in Germany, my host family told me 'We bought lots of peanut butter for you. We know Americans need peanut butter.' I do love peanut butter, but I had definitely never heard that stereotype before!"

I did once startle a lovely Australian couple with my PBJ. Apparently, PB and J are only considered compatible here in North America. They looked at the sandwich I made with the same kind of horror I might’ve used on something with, IDK, tuna and marshmallow fluff."

10. Are cheerleaders real?

"'Are cheerleaders real?' Cheerleaders were in movies, but a teenager in London had no idea if that was a real thing. It was a charming conversation as a teenager."

"I like how foreigners will believe that everyone in America is dodging gunfights and car chases on their morning commute, but then think we made up cheerleaders and yellow busses for the movies."

11. Sweet tea is addictive

"A British friend of mine called southern sweet tea 'the most vile, disturbing, horrific swill ever created. Please bring another pitcher.'"

"If they don't have to amputate a foot after your first glass it needs more sugar."

@landontalks

Let’s discuss: Sweet Tea in the south. #southern #southernaccent #sweettea #southernliving #thesouth @ibbkate

12. Angry sink

"Saying I had an angry sink because it had a garbage disposal in it."

13. Crossed-up

"My fiancé from the Netherlands asked what the 'zing' road sign meant that he kept seeing everywhere. I couldn’t figure out what the heck he was talking about at first. It was the X-ing (crossing) sign."

"My international colleague thought it was a word in Chinese (Xing) and was very confused by this lol."

14. It's bigger than you think

"My wife's Swedish cousins thought they could go explore both New York City and Los Angeles in a single weekend."

"Also had Swedish visitors, and we live in New England. They wanted to take a drive to California during the 5 days they were going to be here, and they wanted to stop and see the Grand Canyon along the way, then be back in time to catch their flight home out of Boston."

15. The Ohios

"Was at a pub in Italy with a friend, and some of the guys found out we were American. Proceeded to take shots with them toasting ‘to the Ohios!’… we’re not from Ohio lol."

"Which Ohio are you not from, North Ohio, or South Ohio?"

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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