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Upset that a friend voted differently than you? Expert shares how to heal and reconnect.

Ignoring people won't solve the problem.

via Canva/Photos

Americans voting in the 2024 election

The 2024 election was an emotional rollercoaster for millions of Americans. Those who voted for Trump have reason to celebrate, while those who supported Harris or a third-party candidate are probably deflated and need a while to recover emotionally.

The election was notable because there was a significant shift in voters from the Democratic to the Republican ticket over the 2020 election. So many people may now find themselves on opposite ends of the aisle with friends or loved ones with whom they previously agreed.

A lot of folks have to deal with the fact that their friends or family members voted differently than them, and, honestly, it can sting a bit, especially when hot-button issues are on the table, such as women’s rights, immigration, the economy, health care, LGBTQ rights and more.

2024 election, mental health, trump, harrisA woman displaying her "I voted" stickervia Flickr/Bethraebel

Regardless of who you voted for, you may feel a twinge of animosity toward a loved one who chose someone different and may not be sure how to get over your feelings. Upworthy spoke with Jessica McCarthy, Psy.D., a clinical neuropsychologist, clinical psychologist and certified school psychologist, to help our readers repair their relationships after the election.

McCarthy is also the Founder and Clinical Director of Elements Psychological Services.

“What’s interesting is that regardless of the political spectrum, people’s emotions are the same—frustrated, angry, passionate, betrayed, dismayed, scared, hopeful, determined, bewildered,” McCarthy told Upworthy. “People’s personal values and viewpoints are something that they hold near and dear to them—and if it’s a deal-breaker issue, the reactions are more extreme in scale if the opposing view is from a loved one.”

In the aftermath of the election, you may want to distance yourself from the people who voted differently than you, and McCarthy believes that’s acceptable. However, it would be best to communicate how you’re feeling, instead of mysteriously dropping out of their lives without notice.

“Sometimes, people need space to sit and process—this, again, can be done through communicating about readiness and willingness to connect,” McCarthy told Upworthy. “Space and silence should never be weaponized in a relationship, but that need for space can also be honored in a way through effective communication about limits and when both parties can reconvene and communicate.”

2024 election, mental health, trump, harrisA man displaying her "I voted" sticker.via Jimmy Zo/Flickr

Instead of disappearing from your friends’ lives altogether, text them, saying, “I need time to sort through my emotions after the election. I'm looking forward to talking with you when I am ready.”

McCarthy says that maintaining relationships with people you disagree with can be challenging because people need to have their viewpoints heard. It can be stifling for people to feel forced to keep their mouths shut around loved ones.

However, some relationships can thrive when firm rules of engagement are in place. For example, you and your friend can agree that you shouldn’t talk about politics to preserve the relationship.

“I have plenty of patients in my practice who have friends who have differing stances in the aforementioned areas, and the health of the relationship is determined by the ‘rules of engagement’—either directly or indirectly agreed upon rules that serve as guidelines for how to navigate these topics (and often, it’s agreed upon not to discuss them),” McCarthy says. “These relationships work because there is tremendous value and enjoyment in other areas of the relationship from which both parties mutually benefit.”

There’s nothing wrong with feeling let down by a loved one who voted differently in the election. People’s political views are closely tied to their moral values, so it’s understandable to have big emotions over people you love making a different value judgment. The key to keeping the relationship going on a new, healthy path is to share how you feel, listen to your loved ones and agree on the best path forward. “Anytime there has been a rupture in a relationship, there needs to be communication as to how to proceed and what repair might look like,” McCarthy says.

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Democracy

No, Abraham Lincoln was not 'barred from the ballot' in Southern states in 1860

The Colorado Supreme Court's ruling on Trump has triggered a wave of false claims about Lincoln's election. Here's what actually happened.

Simon Abeta/X, Public Domain

People are claiming Lincoln was taken off the ballot in the slaveholding states, but that's not what happened.

In a ruling on December 19, 2023, the Colorado Supreme Court declared former president Donald Trump ineligible to be included on the state's primary ballot, citing the U.S. Constitution’s insurrection clause. The ruling prompted a wave of responses, some of which claim that Abraham Lincoln had been "barred from the ballot" or "taken off the ballot" by Democrats in 10 Southern slaveholding states in the 1860 election, which preceded the Civil War.

Unfortunately, thousands of people have "liked" and shared claims like this one:

It's unfortunate because it's false. While it's true that no ballots were distributed or cast for Lincoln in those states, it wasn't because he was barred, banned or taken off the ballot.

Here's why this claim is inaccurate:

First of all, there was no such thing as "the ballot" in 1860.

Generally speaking, a ballot today is an official piece of paper that lists candidates running for a public office and a place to mark which candidate you are voting for. We also say "the ballot" to refer to the list of candidates on that official piece of paper.

That's not at all what a ballot was in 1860. And there was no "theballot" the way we think of it today at all.

In Lincoln's time, a ballot was either 1) a blank paper on which you wrote in the name(s) of who you were voting for or 2) a preprinted piece of paper with the name(s) a specific candidate or candidates handed out by a specific party. There was no ballot that had a list of candidates to choose from like we have today. That kind of "blanket ballot" wasn't used in U.S. elections until after 1888, when it gradually became adopted.

Lincoln couldn't be barred or taken off a ballot when there was no list of candidates on a ballot to begin with.

Secondly, state authorities didn't issue printed ballots. Political parties did.

old piece of paper labeled Republican ticket with a list of names

A Republican party ticket (i.e., ballot) from Ohio, 1860

Library of Congress

Today, ballots are non-partisan documents issued by state or local governments. That was not the case in 1860. According to the Smithsonian National Museum of American History, the only things state election laws in the 19th century typically specified about ballots were the paper size and thickness a ballot should be and the size of type to be used on it. The rest was left to candidates, parties and party operatives to decide.

And they did. Political parties and newspapers that supported specific parties printed and issued ballots with their all of their candidates' names on them to make partisan voting super simple. As the History Channel reports, "By the mid-19th century, state Republican or Democratic party officials would distribute pre-printed fliers to voters listing only their party’s candidates for office. They were called Republican and Democratic 'tickets' because the small rectangles of paper resembled 19th-century train tickets."

If you wanted to vote for a party's candidates, all you had to do was take the ticket they gave you to the ballot box and drop it in. Otherwise, you used a blank ballot and wrote in who you wanted to vote for.

Third, voting in the mid-19th century wasn't exactly safe, and it also wasn't secret.

Voting wasn't a confidential thing at this point in history. Preprinted party ballots had distinguishing marks, party symbols and candidate portraits on them and they were often printed on colored paper, making who you were voting for quite conspicuous. (For example, Virginia's Union party ballots in 1860 were pink, so if you dropped off a pink ballot, everyone at the polling place knew who you voted for.)

Elections in the mid-19th century were particularly contentious among the voting populace as well. Election day rioting and violence was common, claiming the lives of 89 Americans in the mid-1800s. The slaveholding South was already a tinderbox and tensions between the North and South were high—imagine trying to print and issue ballots for the anti-slavery-expansion Republican party when both election violence and violence against abolitionists was commonplace. What newspaper or printer in those Southern states would take that risk?

Fourth, issuing ballots in those states would have been a waste of resources for Lincoln and the Republicans, and they knew it.

Let's remember that the Republican party—Lincoln's party—was literally founded to combat the spread of slavery, the institution for which the antebellum South was willing to split the country in two. The official party was only a few years old when Lincoln was nominated. There was no support for Republican politics in the South, much less any party infrastructure in place there.

Since writing on a blank ballot or submitting a preprinted party ballot was how people voted in 1860, there would have been no point for the Republicans to print and issue ballots in the southern slaveholding strongholds. Lincoln knew he was considered persona non grata in those states and had no hope of winning Electoral College votes there against the three other candidates running, so he focused his campaign on the north and west. It simply would have been a huge waste of resources to issue ballots in states he couldn't possibly win. (As it turned out, Lincoln received no votes in any of the states that would soon form the Confederacy, with the exception of Virginia, where he received a whopping 1% of the vote.)

So to sum up, while it's true that ballots were not distributed for Lincoln in the 10 slaveholding states mentioned and he didn't receive any votes there, it's not true that those states barred or removed Lincoln from the ballot. In 1860, there was no such thing as a ballot with multiple candidates to choose from, candidate-specific ballots were issued by political parties and not state governmental authorities, and Lincoln and the Republicans simply didn't bother to try to distribute ballots in the states where they knew he didn't stand a chance.

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Elections

Midterms are some of the most important elections in our democracy. Here's why it matters.

Every vote counts, so make your voice heard.

Photo by Elliott Stallion on Unsplash

Midterms are some of the most important elections in our country.

The 2022 midterm elections are here and while it may seem hard to escape the seemingly endless advertisements of candidates and ballot initiatives, some people don't understand the importance of voting. In America, we have three branches of government, designed to perform checks and balances. One branch can't work properly without the others.

No matter who is in the White House, they can't move things through without Congress.

But when it comes to policies, the heavy weight falls on Congress. A presidential hopeful can promise everyone a pony and a million dollar stable, but if Congress says no, then no ponies for the American people. When you vote in the midterms, you're helping to handpick who is more likely to not only listen to your needs as a voter, but work with the president and members of Congress to pass policies that you find helpful. Let's help you get your vote counted.

Black and white picture of someone putting a ballot in a box.Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash
1. Where's my polling place?

So where do you vote? That's a good question. You can type in your address here and it will tell you where your polling place is. Remember if you haven't updated your address on your voter registration then you'll need to use that address to find your polling place.

2. I forgot to register, oops!

Yikes! Election Day is like right now and you forgot to register to vote. No worries, there are 22 states that allow same-day registration. See if your state is on the list here. Go through the list carefully though because some states only allow same-day registration for presidential elections. You'll want to be sure your state allows it for midterms.

Close up picture of a red circular sticker with white writing that says "I voted" stuck to a finger.Photo by Parker Johnson on Unsplash
3. How do I check my registration?

Pretty sure you've already registered to vote but your state's website is confusing or directing you to an in-person location to ask. Check your voter registration here and ease your mind before you get to the polls.

4. I have no idea who to vote for.

Now that you understand why midterm elections are important, you've checked your registration and found your polling place, the rest is up to you. Use the few hours or minutes you have free to research candidates and their positions to see how they align with your own.

Some candidates are not as vocal about their stances and don't have information readily available. Don't stress. If the candidate is attempting to get re-elected you can check out your state government site for their voting record and if it's a federal candidate, you can check here.

No matter who you vote for, get out there and vote. Your voice matters.

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Democracy

Pete Buttigieg uses 7 perfectly chosen words to show how we can all work to uphold democracy

America needs a definite reminder.

via Flickr/Gage Skidmore

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg.

America is a country based on the idea that people can believe and say whatever they want. Those core values have helped create a country with a rich tapestry of viewpoints but oftentimes they come into conflict.

The key to the nation’s survival is how we can make peace with that conflict. It hasn't always been easy, but we've always pulled through these struggles by embracing a common belief in democracy. Unfortunately, given the recent spread of election conspiracies, America’s way of healing itself and finding peace in a pluralistic society is in danger. This problem is confounded by the fact that in the upcoming 2022 midterm elections, nearly 300 Republican candidates don't believe that Donald Trump lost to Joe Biden in 2020.

The assertion that Biden didn’t beat Trump has been proven false time and time again.

Many are rightfully fearful that the widespread acceptance of election denial will come to a head during the midterm elections, further weakening American democracy.

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg made a strong statement in support of democratic values Monday, October 24 on “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert.” He made a simple, but powerful statement to reaffirm the core values that each American must support to maintain a civil society.


“One of the most important principles in democracy is that when you lose, you accept the outcome,” the former mayor of South Bend, Indiana, and onetime presidential candidate told Colbert. “And I’ve had to do that. Winning is much more fun than losing. I’ve done both.”

We can all have different views, but the one thing we must have in common is a belief in the process of how we make decisions.

“And the reason that’s so important is because we expect the same thing from citizens in terms of policy decisions,” Buttgieg added. “Part of what it means to live in a democracy is that we have this process for getting decisions that all of us have to live by―those of us who agreed with the decision and those of us who were against it.”

via Gage Skidmore/Flickr

“And so if we all have to live with the outcome of each of these policy choices, it’s only fair that the people who make them have to live with the outcome of when we choose which one of them is going to be in charge,” Buttigieg continued. “That’s how the bargain works.”

The idea that we have to reaffirm these core values that the vast majority of us hold dear to our hearts is a bit frightening. But as history has shown us, democracy should never be taken for granted. Since the dawn of civilization, democracy has been the exception not the rule and it has to be continuously fought for in the face of humanity's innate bend toward tribalism and authoritarianism.

At a time when there are so many issues that America faces as a country, Buttigieg is right to promote the need for us to reassert our belief in democracy. Because once that’s gone, all the rights that we have now may soon be lost, too.

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