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Family

Dad writes heartbreaking message after the death of his son

"Hug your kids. Don’t work too late. "

Young family takes a photo outside
J.R. Storment/LinkedIn

J.R. Storment and his family.

A dad from Portland, Oregon, has taken to LinkedIn to write an emotional plea to parents after he learned that his son had died during a conference call at work. J.R. Storment encouraged parents to spend less time at work and more time with their kids after his son's death.

In his open letter posted on September 3, 2019, Storment explains that his son, Wiley, passed away during his sleep as a result of complications from his mild epilepsy. He then goes on to blast himself for not spending enough time with his son, and encourages other parents to take more time off work.

Young family takes photo in the snow

J.R. Storment and his family

via Facebook

Storment starts by explaining that the day his son passed away started like any other:

"Eight years ago, during the same month, I had twin boys and co-founded Cloudability. About three months ago Cloudability was acquired. About three weeks ago we lost one of our boys."

"When I got the call I was sitting in a conference room with 12 people at our Portland office talking about PTO policies. Minutes earlier, I had admitted to the group that in the last 8 years I'd not taken more than a contiguous week off."

That's when Storment received a call from his distraught wife.

"My wife and I have an agreement that when one of us calls, the other answers. So when the phone rang I stood up and walked to the conference room door immediately."

"I was still walking through the door when I answered with 'Hey, what's up?'"

"Her reply was icy and immediate: 'J.R., Wiley is dead.'"

"'What?' I responded incredulously."

"'Wiley has died.' she reiterated."

"'What?! No.' I yelled out, 'No!'"

"'I'm so sorry, I have to call 911.'"

Storment goes on to explain the chaos that happened next.

"That was the entire conversation. The next thing I know I'm sprinting out the front door of the office with my car keys in hand, running ferociously across the street and muttering 'oh F**k. oh F**k. oh F**k.' Half way down the block I realize I don't have the opener to my parking garage. Running back into the lobby, I all but shout "Someone drive me! Somebody drive me!" Thankfully, a helpful colleague did."

Storment made it home, but not yet knowing the cause of death, police were treating the house as a possible crime scene. The heartbroken father was unable to see his son for two and a half hours.

"When the medical examiner finally finished his work, we were allowed in the room. An eerie calm came over me. I laid down next to him in the bed that he loved, held his hand and kept repeating, 'What happened, buddy? What happened?'"

"We stayed next to him for maybe 30 minutes and stroked his hair before they returned with a gurney to take him away. I walked him out, holding his hand and his forehead through the body bag as he was wheeled down our driveway. Then all the cars drove away. The last one to leave was the black minivan with Wiley in it."

Young family takes photo outside.

J.R. Storment with his wife and sons.

via LinkedIn

Storment goes on to explain his son's dreams and aspirations, and the difficulty he had signing his son's death certificate.

"Wiley was obsessed with starting a business. One day it was a smoothie stand, the next it would be a gallery, then a VR headset company, then a 'coder', then a spaceship building company. In each of these scenarios he was the boss. His brother (and sometimes us) were invited to work for—not with— him and were each assigned jobs. In the gallery scenario, Wiley informed Oliver that he would be manning the cash register."

"Around 5 years old, Wiley decided he was going to get married as an adult. By 6 he had identified the girl, holding her hand at recess on the first day of kindergarten. Over the next two years as we moved from Portland to London to Hawaii, he kept in touch with her by handwritten letter. Not long before we moved back to Portland, the two agreed (by letter) to marry. She beat him to the punch and asked him. He accepted. Happily, he got to see her twice after we moved back to Portland in June."

"One of the countless difficult moments of this month was signing his death certificate. Seeing his name written on the top of it was hard. However, two fields further down the form crushed me. The first said: 'Occupation: Never worked' and the next: 'Marital Status: Never married.' He wanted so badly to do both of those things. I feel both fortunate and guilty to have had success in each."

A handwritten diary entry

Wiley wrote his plans down in his diary.

via LinkedIn

Storment then criticises himself for spending too much time at work. And while it sounds that Wiley got to live an amazing life, Storment only wishes he could have done more with him.

"Over the last three weeks I have come up with an endless stream of things I regret. They tend to fall into two categories: things I wish I had done differently and things I'm sad not to see him do. My wife is constantly reminding me of all the things he did do: Wiley went to 10 countries, drove a car on a farm road in Hawaii, hiked in Greece, snorkeled in Fiji, wore a suit to a fantastic British prep school every day for two years, got rescued from a shark on a jet ski, kissed multiple girls, got good enough at chess to beat me twice in a row, wrote short stories and drew comics obsessively."

Storment hadn't checked on the boys the morning of the tragedy because he had to get up early for meetings, a decision he seems to regret.

"Around 5:40am, the next morning I woke up for a series of back to back meetings. I did a Peloton ride, took an analyst call from my home office, one with a colleague on the drive to work, then the rest at the office. None seem that important now. I left that morning without saying goodbye or checking on the boys."

A couple smile for a photo

J.R. Storment and his wife.

Via Facebook

Storment has a simple message for parents:

"Many have asked what they can do to help. Hug your kids. Don't work too late. A lot of the things you are likely spending your time on you'll regret once you no longer have the time. I'm guessing you have 1:1 meetings on the books with a lot of people you work with. Do you have them regularly scheduled with your kids? If there's any lesson to take away from this, it's to remind others (and myself) not to miss out on the things that matter."

"The big question is how to return to work in a way that won't leave me again with the regrets I have now. To be honest, I've considered not going back. But I believe in the words of Kahlil Gibran who said, 'Work is love made visible.' To me, that line is a testament to how much we gain, grow and offer through the work we do. But that work needs to have a balance that I have rarely lived. It's a balance that lets us offer our gifts to the world but not at the cost of self and family."

"While I sat writing this post, my living son, Oliver, came in to ask for screen time. Instead of saying the usual 'no', I stopped writing and asked if I could play with him. He was happily surprised by my answer and we connected in a way I would have formerly missed out on. Small things matter. One silver lining from this tragedy is the improving relationship I have with him."

"Our family has gone from having two units of two (the parents and the twins) to now being a triangle of three. That's a big adjustment for a family that has always been four. Oliver's brilliant reply when we discussed the shape of our new family: 'But Papa, the triangle is the strongest shape.' By some sad and beautiful irony, Oliver has met three sets of 8-year-old twins in our new neighborhood since Wiley passed."

"I've learned to stop waiting to do the things the kids ask for. When we sold the business I gave each of the boys a $100 dollar bill. They decided to pool their money to buy a tent for camping. But we didn't make it happen before Wiley died. Another regret. So, after the first round of family visits after his death, I took Jessica and Oliver to REI to get gear and we left town quickly to camp near Mt. St. Helens."

"Somehow, we got to the wilderness without enough cash to cover the campground fee and had a slight panic. Jessica then realized that Wiley's $100 bill was still in his seat pocket. He got to spend his money on camping after all. Collectively, the family said a big, 'Thanks, buddy' out-loud to him. It was one of many bittersweet moments we will experience for the rest of our lives. Each happy time brings with it the sadness that he doesn't get to experience it."

"One of Wiley's happy times was listening to music and dancing. Damn, could that kid dance. He loved the Oregon Country Fair and the year before we left for London, we listened to a band there play a version of 'Enjoy yourself (It's later than you think)'. The words stuck with me that day three years ago and painfully so now:"


"You work and work for years and years, you're always on the go

You never take a minute off, too busy makin' dough

Someday, you say, you'll have your fun, when you're a millionaire

Imagine all the fun you'll have in your old rockin' chair

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think

Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink

The years go by, as quickly as a wink

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think"


This article originally appeared four years ago.

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Education

Teacher reveals the 'really obvious' reason teens no longer read. It's not just the phones.

"Kids who read are just built different."

via Canva/Photos

A teenage boy stars at his smartphone.

Studies show that kids are spending a lot less time reading these days. In 2020, 42% of 9-year-old students said they read for fun almost daily, down from 52% in 2012. Seventeen percent of 13-year-olds read for fun daily, down from 27% in 2012. Among 17-year-olds, 19% say they read for fun, down from 31% in 1984.

It’s safe to say that modern technology is a big reason why kids aren’t reading as much. A recent report found that teenagers spend an average of 8 hours 39 minutes per day on screens, compared to 5-and-a-half hours for pre-teen children. So, it’s no wonder they don’t have any time left to crack open a book. A high school teacher on TikTok who goes by the name StillATeacher recently brought the topic up with her class, and they stopped reading for fun at the end of middle school.

“So even those who are like avid readers of the Percy Jackson series in fourth and fifth grade fall off,” the teacher says. “Honestly, there are many reasons to stop reading recreationally, like increased pressure inside and outside of school, a desire to spend more time socializing, and, of course, the phones.”

But the teacher says there’s an obvious reason “right in front of our faces”: the adults. “Adults have lowered the bar for how much you should read as a teenager so far that the bar cannot be found,” she continued. “There are many educators who have the mindset that you shouldn't teach whole books because kids just won't read them.”

@stillateacher

the literacy crisis is upon us #teachertok #teacher #highschoolteacher #englishteacher #education #literacy #booktok #creatorsearchinsights

“I've taught at schools where teaching novels is actually discouraged,” she continued. “And I have conversations with teachers in other content areas who say that they themselves never read books, that they don't think it's important for students' long-term success. All this said, it is not entirely surprising that high schoolers don't wanna read.”

How does reading benefit kids?

The significant decrease in the number of children who read for fun means that many will miss out on the incredible benefits of regularly curling up for a good book. Studies show that children who read for pleasure enjoy improved cognitive performance, language development, and academic achievement. Reading is also linked to fewer mental health problems, less screen time, and more sleep. Findings suggest that kids get the optimal benefits of reading when they do it for around 12 hours a week.



“You forgot empathy,” one commenter added. “People who read are better at empathizing because they have been able to put themselves in the shoes of others and learn about different perspectives, people, cultures, experiences.”

StillATeacher has seen these incredible benefits first-hand.

“But I'm telling you, the handful of kids I teach who do read are built different. Kids who read have stronger critical thinking skills, more success across all academic areas, and, honestly, just a stronger sense of self. Because reading helps you figure out who you are as a person,” the teacher said.

The decline in young people's reading is a serious problem that must be addressed. So, it’s terrific that the teacher used her platform on TikTok to bring it to the public’s attention. Interestingly enough, she says that TikTok is one of the few platforms encouraging kids to read.

“And honestly, thank goodness for BookTok because I think it is one of the only drivers of adolescent reading that still exists,” she concluded her post. “Isn't that sad? Like, the schools aren't doing it, TikTok's doing it. We gotta start a movement here.”

This story originally appeared last year.

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Heroes

Volunteer uses her incredible singing voice to comfort dying patient on 'final journey home'

The woman requested her and her husband's favorite song, "The Power of Love."

Canva Photos

What a beautiful way to show up for others.

There's something really magical about what music does to our brains. Have you ever found yourself remembering a commercial jingle you haven't heard in decades? Or have you ever wondered why you can't remember what you ate yesterday but you can recite the lyrics of thousands of songs on-demand without even thinking?

If you've ever seen the end of the 2017 Disney movie Coco, you also know that music can trigger memories, emotions, a boost of energy, and even joy in people who are otherwise nearly unresponsive or have lost much of their will to go on. And if you're thinking that was just an incredibly emotional moment in a sweet movie, it's true; science backs it up. That makes it an amazing and mysterious therapeutic tool in medical settings, and an incredible way to comfort people who may be scared or confused.


gif from the movie CocoMiguel and Mama Coco from Coco.Giphy

Yvon Kanters, a social worker, has been volunteering in nursing homes for years. She has gone viral for her incredible interactions with patients, where she uses her beautiful voice to connect with them and bring them joy in dark moments.

In one recent video, Kanters is shown riding in the back of an ambulance with a woman on a stretcher. The woman is a cancer patient who had just been told by doctors that there was no further treatment available. This would be her last ride home from the hospital. Kanters volunteered to come along and sing the woman a song for comfort.

"When we walked into the room, she was there with her husband and was very optimistic, she was very full of life," Kanters told Newsweek. "We brought her to the ambulance and then asked her, 'I'm a singer and I'm coming along for the day, is there something you want to hear?' She and her husband, they love each other—their love is so visible. She said she and her husband's song was 'The Power of Love.'"

"The Power of Love," of course, is the hit single by Jennifer Rush from 1984. The next year year, it became the number one song in the UK. A cover by Celine Dion years later made it the biggest song in the US. It's an incredibly romantic song, and it speaks volumes about the woman's life that she would choose to hear it at this moment.

"As I sang, I saw tears well up in her eyes. A song that held so much more meaning than just words and melody. After this moment, we continued with a small, intimate living room concert... one that will stay in my heart forever," Kanters said.

Watch the incredible moment here:

@yvonkanters

𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗢𝗪𝗘𝗥 𝗢𝗙 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘 | 𝗠𝗲𝗲 𝗼𝗽 𝗱𝗲 𝗮𝗺𝗯𝘂𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗺𝗲𝘁 𝗭𝘂𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗔𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗮 Sommige ontmoetingen blijven je altijd bij. Gisteren zong ik voor een bijzondere vrouw, een vechter vol levenslust. Ze werd door Zuster Anita van de middencomplex ambulance naar huis gebracht om haar laatste tijd met haar geliefden door te brengen. Geen spoedrit, maar een rit vol betekenis. Ze hield van álle muziek, maar toen ik vroeg of ze een speciaal liedje had samen met haar man, hoefde ze niet na te denken: "The Power of Love." Terwijl ik zong, zag ik de tranen in haar ogen verschijnen. Een lied dat zoveel meer betekende dan alleen muziek. Na dit moment deden we nog een klein huiskamerconcert.. een herinnering die voor altijd zal blijven. Dankjewel Zuster Anita, en dankjewel aan deze prachtige vrouw voor het delen van dit bijzondere moment. Liefde is de kracht die blijft. 💛✨ #ThePowerOfLove #AmbulanceZorg #MiddencomplexAmbulance #MuziekVerbindt #LiefdeEnVerbinding #MuziekInDeZorg #Muziektherapie #YvonKanters ______________________________ 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗢𝗪𝗘𝗥 𝗢𝗙 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘 | 𝗢𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗔𝗺𝗯𝘂𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗡𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲 𝗔𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗮 Some encounters stay with you forever. Yesterday, I sang for a remarkable woman, an fighter full of life. She was being transported home by Nurse Anita and the mid-complex ambulance, a service for patients who need medical supervision but no emergency care. No sirens, but a journey filled with meaning. She loved all kinds of music, but when I asked if she had a special song with her husband, she didn’t hesitate: "The Power of Love." As I sang, I saw tears well up in her eyes. A song that held so much more meaning than just words and melody. After this moment, we continued with a small, intimate living room concert.. one that will stay in my heart forever. Thank you, Nurse Anita, and thank you to this beautiful woman for sharing this moment with me. Love is the power that never fades. 💛✨ #ThePowerOfLove #AmbulanceCare #MidComplexAmbulance #MusicUnites #HealingThroughMusic #MusicTherapy #YvonKanters

Over four million people watched the video and couldn't get enough of the kindness and compassion on display.

Commenters were absolutely stunned:

"It’s the most beautiful thing I saw today"

"this needs a warning, I'm at work crying"

"oh my god what a wonderful way to go"

"The look of love, care and compassion in this young lady’s eyes for her fellow human - beautiful"

"former hospice nurse here.. I absolutely love this!"

Music is an amazing tool for patients who are near death or suffering from severe dementia. It lives in parts of the brain that are usually less affected by Alzheimer's and dementia, often making music memories the last "to go" as brain function and bodily systems fail.

Even younger people with great memory loss have been shown to remember how to play music or sing lyrics or even dance despite not knowing the names of their loved ones. This phenomenon, crucially, is not just a novelty. It's a proven tool that caregivers use to connect with their patients. Studies show that mood and engagement actually improves in patients after hearing and interacting with music, not just during.

Live music, too, carries a special power. Having a real human being singing to you stimulates the brain more powerfully than listening to recorded music does, forming a unique connection between performer and audience that a speaker can't replicate.

@yvonkanters

AVE MARIA | Rudy (English below) Ik ben net zo fan van Rudy als jullie! Daarom wil ik dit prachtige gebed ook laten horen. Rudy heeft in zijn leven veel steun gehad aan muziek. Het was zijn manier van communiceren naar de buitenwereld. Het is een manier van luisteren en antwoorden op elkaar. Dat vind ik ook heel duidelijk te zien aan hem. Hij luistert zo bijzonder goed naar het notenbeeld en wat er gaat komen. Daarop reageert hij weer. Het is een dans van woorden in het Latijn. Een prachtige verbinding en kippenvel. Dank Rudy ♥️ #zingen #dementie #liefde #zorg #fyp #viral #avemaria #gounod #muziektherapie #muziek ———————— AVE MARIA | Rudy I'm just as much of a fan of Rudy as you are! That's why I want to share this beautiful prayer. Rudy has had a lot of support from music in his life. It was his way of communicating to the outside world. It is a way of listening and responding to each other. I think that is very clear in him. He listens very well to the notes and what is to come. He then responds again. It is a dance of words in Latin. A beautiful connection and goosebumps for me. Bless his soul♥️ #singing #dementia #love #care #fyp #viral #avemaria #gounod #musictherapy #music

In another clip from Kanters, she sings "Ave Maria" to an elderly man with dementia who miraculously perks up and even manages to sing along. It's incredible to watch, and it demonstrates that we're really just beginning to scratch the surface when it comes to the power of music as a therapeutic tool.

But for now, it's just amazing and heartwarming to watch a beautiful moment between a volunteer artist and someone in need.

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Heroes

Instacart delivery driver trusted her gut instinct and ended up saving a customer's life

"You're supposed to take a picture and leave, and I could not just leave."

@JessicaHiggs3/TikTok

Jessica Higgs had a sense that something wasn't right at a customer's house and her action saved his life.

One the more mysterious aspects of being human is our sense of intuition. This "sixth sense" isn't something we can see or measure, but many people have experienced it in some form or fashion. Maybe it comes as a strong feeling that something isn't right, or that we or someone else should or shouldn't do something. It can be hard to read—not every feeling we get is truly our intuition—but there are plenty of examples of people trusting their instincts and being glad they did.

One such story has gone viral on TikTok. Jessica Higgs, a mom who works as an Instacart grocery delivery person, shared a story in an emotional video that illustrates the importance of listening to that inner voice when it prompts you to make sure someone is OK.

"I just want to start this off by saying if you see something, say something," Higgs said.

Animated GIFGiphy

She explained how she had done an Instacart order the previous day for a daughter who was ordering for her older dad who couldn't shop for himself. She said she was going the extra mile like she always does for her customers, and that the daughter told her to just drop the groceries on the porch and he'd get them. That's what Higgs would usually do.

"I get there and something was telling me no, you gotta help this man out," she said. "He came out, and I was like OK let me help you, and I got the groceries. You're not supposed to go into someone's house, but I used my judgment and I brought the groceries inside and put them down wherever he wanted me to put them down. You're not supposed to, but I did. And you're supposed to just take a picture and leave, and I could not just leave."



@jessicahiggs3

@Instacart #28DaysOfEucerin #fyp



Higgs noticed that the man looked really sick and she was really concerned. A voice in her head said, "You gotta say something. You gotta say something, Jess." Rather than mark the order as complete, she messaged the man's daughter and told her that it was really unprofessional to say something like this, but she felt like her dad wasn't doing well. "There's a propane tank in there," she told the woman. "I was in there maybe five feet and I got dizzy. There's got to be a leak. He might not be doing good because of this leak."

The woman said she would send her son over to check it out and Higgs left. The woman changed her tip from $14 to $100, which Higgs appreciated, but the message she sent her the next morning was a much greater reward for her going the extra mile.

"Thank you so much, once my son went to check on my dad it turned out it was definitely leaking," she wrote. "You definitely saved my dad and my younger son's life!!!"

Through tears, Higgs said, "I'm just an Instacart worker, but if you see something, say something. I did and I'm so happy I did."

Higgs' TikTok has been viewed more than 15 million times and has been shared widely on social media. It has also attracted the attention of big companies.

Royal Caribbean Cruises shared a TikTok video of its own praising Higgs for her heroic act and offering her and her family a seven-day cruise anywhere in the world. "Cause even heroes need a vacation," the company wrote.



@royalcaribbean

Stitch with @jessicahiggs3 - cause even heroes need a vacation. Thanks @captaincruiseguy



Old Navy connected with her and arranged a shopping spree where she got to model several new outfits. People Magazine commented, "You’re literally a HERO! Good job trusting your instincts. 💕" Even TikTok itself wrote, "You are amazing ❤️thank you for sharing this with all of us."

Lots of commenters also pointed out that she's not "just an Instacart worker." Her work is important, she's providing a needed service and any job done in a spirit of helping others should not be minimized. If she hadn't been there doing her job well, that man may not be here. Never underestimate the difference each of us can make by the simple act of looking out for one another, friend and stranger alike.

Higgs' heartfelt story touched millions, and she's being rightly rewarded for listening to her heart and going out of her way to help someone. Gotta love seeing good things come to people doing good. Well done, Jessica Higgs.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Pets

Terrified, emaciated dog comes to life as volunteer sits with him for human connection

"Just a few kind words and a little attention. That’s all animals need."

Rocky Kanaka|YouTube

Terrified dog transforms after human sits with him.

There's something about dogs that makes people just want to cuddle them. They have some of the sweetest faces with big curious eyes that make them almost look cartoonish at times. But not all dogs get humans that want to snuggle up with them on cold nights; some dogs are neglected or abandoned. That's where animal shelters come in, and they work diligently to take care of any medical needs and find these animals loving homes.

Volunteers are essential to animal shelters running effectively to fill in the gaps employees may not have time for. Rocky Kanaka has been volunteering to sit with dogs to provide comfort. Recently he uploaded a video of an extremely emaciated Vizsla mix that was doing his best to make himself as small as possible in the corner of the kennel.

Kanaka immediately wanted to help him adjust so he would feel comfortable enough to eat and eventually get adopted. The dog appeared scared of his new location and had actually rubbed his nose raw from anxiety, but everything changed when Kanaka came along.

Vizsla, dog rescue, animal shelter, animal rescue brown short coated dog in tilt shift lens Photo by John Spence on Unsplash

The volunteer slowly entered the kennel with the terrified dog, crouching on his knees for an easy escape if needed. But the dog attempted to essentially become invisible by avoiding eye contact and staying curled in a tiny ball. It seemed like it was going to take a long time for this nervous pup to warm up.

Before long, he's offered a treat. Success! The brown dog takes the treat, and as minutes pass you can see his body slowly relax, eventually coming to sit directly next to Kanaka for pets. In the few minutes of the video, you see such an amazing transformation that proves this little guy just needed some love.


- YouTubewww.youtube.com


"It was so cute when he started wagging his tail. You could tell his whole demeanor just changed, and he was happy. Just a few kind words and a little attention. That’s all animals need. Well, besides food. Lol," one commenter says.

"That moment when he starts to realize he's actually safe. That gradual tail wag, and the ears perking, the eyes lighting up. You don't have to be an expert to show an animal love and respect," another writes.

dog rescue, dogs, animal rescue, animal sheltera dog wrapped in a blanket on a rocky beach Photo by Jessica Bulling on Unsplash

"After that first treat his entire demeanor changed. He went from not trusting you to thinking you may be kind and he could feel less stressed. That was really amazing to see," someone gushes.

This sweet scared dog just needed human connection by someone taking the time to sit with him to know he was safe. Once he was sure the shelter was a safe place, the dog even welcomed those who came to visit him after seeing the video.

"I went to the shelter today to visit 'Bear'! Everyone would be thrilled to hear that he seems very happy and energetic! He has a little red squeaky bone toy that he loves. He licked my hand immediately and rubbed his head on my legs and arms, eager for affection. What a sweetheart," a commenter writes.

Thanks to Kanaka's sweet gesture, the dog, now named Shadow Moon, was adopted and is now living his best life with his new human dad and husky brother. You can follow Shadow Moon's journey on his Instagram page.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Family

Expert says if you have well-behaved kids, you're probably doing these 4 things

And if you're still aiming for well mannered kiddos, a board-certified behavioral analyst says it’s simpler than you think.

@bcba_amanda/TikTok, Photo credit: Canva

It's simpler than we think.

While many parents today try to free their children from the burden of being perfectly obedient 24/7—and the people pleasing tendencies that instills—they obviously still want their children to be generally well behaved, to truly understand right from wrong, and to develop good habits.

And let’s face it—with all the nebulous advice being given (often unsolicited) via social media and online parenting forums, teaching kids to be polite can feel really…complicated. A lot of this comes down to the truism that parenting is not a one-size-fits all process. But according to board-certified behavioral analyst Amanda, @bcba_amanda on TikTok, having a well behaved child might be boiled down into a pretty simple approach, one that’s really centered on how you, the parent, are treating your kiddos.

Jumping right into it, Amanda says that parents with well behaved kids are likely doing some combination of these 4 things:

#1 They are engaged and fully listening.

No phones or other distractions. Easy to say, hard to do. But very important.

Photo credit: Canva

#2 They are validating their child’s “big” emotions.

This aspect of gentle parenting can sometimes get misunderstood, so to clarify Amanda says it’s not about “agreeing with them all the time,” but rather using simple statements like, “I hear you, it seems like you're upset right now.” And arguably this step isn’t as effective without the others. Especially #4…

Photo credit: Canva

#3 They give their kid explanations when they have to say ‘no.’

Remember how infuriating it would be to get told “because I said so!” as a kid? There will still probably be big emotions at play, but even a simple explanation can help kids understand why they are being denied something, which is a much healthier approach than a blanket statement.

Photo credit: Canva

#4 They stick to their boundaries

This means not letting their children “run the show,” Amanda explains. “They say what they mean and they mean what they say. They stay firm.”

Photo credit: Canva

Setting healthy boundaries is not truly about control or establishing dominance, which makes it different from the strict parenting styles of yesteryear. When done consistently, from a place of calm leadership rather than as punishment, with firm yet loving language, and with consequences that are laid out and followed on when necessary, parents are (quite literally) helping shape their children still developing brains for success in the future.

As one viewer put it, “sticking to a boundary is VITAL.”

In essence, a lot of Amanda’s advice comes down to parents modeling what exactly good behavior looks like. After all, kids absorb so much from just observing the adults around them. And, as a few parents noted, none of this guarantees that a child will be tantrum-free forever more, no matter how many things a parent is doing right.

@bcba_amanda are you doing all 4 of these things as a parent so that you have a well behaved child? #parentcoach #parents #parenting #parentingadvice #parentingtips #parent #bcba #aba #toddler ♬ original sound - Amanda, M.Ed, BCBA, LBA

To this, Amanda says, “Yes no one is perfect and there will be times when they are kids!. It happens! Keep up the hard work and be so proud of the kiddos you’re working so hard to raise 🥰”

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