I'm trying to get to the bottom of the mystery.
You see, when a trove of previously unreleased court documents revealed that former Trump foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos had given false testimony to investigators about his contacts with Russian operatives during the campaign, Fox News' Sean Hannity attempted to exculpate the ex-aide by emphasizing his tender age: 29.
I get it. We all make mistakes in our youth. Some of us drink a little too much. Others of us wreck our dad's motorcycle. Still others of us mislead FBI agents about our illegal interactions with foreign governments. It happens.
Yet, according to Fox News, some adults who do wrong things — like Papadopoulos — are "good kids," while some actual kids (and adults) who have had wrong things done to them are irredeemable, no-good "thugs."
It's a fascinating dichotomy. There just has to be some kind of pattern to it all. But I just can't figure out what.
Here's a partial catalog so far. It's a puzzle! An enigma! A labyrinth inside of a Rubik's Cube inside of a snake eating its own tail!
George Papadopoulos, 29, pleaded guilty to lying to federal officers: good kid!
"George Papadopoulos. He admitted, OK, that he lied to the FBI. I think he is 29 years old." — Sean Hannity, "Hannity," Oct. 30, 2017.
Trayvon Martin, 17, shot dead by rogue neighborhood watch volunteer: thug.
"You dress like a thug, people are going to treat you like a thug." — Geraldo Rivera, "Fox & Friends," July 15, 2013.
Jared Kushner, 36, attended meeting with representatives of the Russian government, ostensibly to acquire dirt on Hillary Clinton: good kid!
"Kushner looks like a high school senior. Hard to believe he's fixing elections with Putin. In fact, impossible to believe. Sorry, CNN." — Bill O'Reilly, Twitter, July 24, 2017.
Michael Brown, 18, shot dead by Ferguson, Missouri, police officer: thug.
"[Democrats] want to stir up this racial division within the inner-city communities, and that's why they're going to feature Michael Brown's mother [at the Democratic National Convention]. Michael Brown was a thug." — Allen West, "On the Record" with Greta Van Susteren, July 26, 2016.
Donald Trump Jr., 39, helped organize aforementioned meeting with representatives of the Russian government reportedly to acquire dirt on Hillary Clinton: good kid!
"Don is — as many of you know Don — he's a good boy. He's a good kid. And he had a meeting; nothing happened with the meeting." — Donald Trump, July 13, 2017.
The rapper Common, 45, rapped: thug.
"President Obama last week said he wanted to recapture that special moment we had after 9/11. And here [a] week later, we have an example of how this White House can recapture that moment by inviting a thug to the White House." — Karl Rove, "Hannity," May 10, 2011.
Donald Trump, 71, bragged about committing sexual assault on tape: good kid!
"This ['Access Hollywood' tape] was locker-room banter, a private conversation that took place many years ago." — Donald Trump, Oct. 8, 2016.
Dajerria Becton, 14, body-slammed and arrested by local police after swimming in a pool: thug.
"The girl was no saint either. He had told her to leave, and she continued to linger. And when the cop tells you to leave, get out." — Megyn Kelly, "The Kelly File," June 9, 2015.
I haven't given up. I'm going to keep updating this list of "good kids" until we figure this out.
Maybe one day it'll come to me in a flash of brilliant light.
White light, most likely.
Keep checking back for updates as I continue to try and parse this impossible puzzle!