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A girl narrates a letter to her dad as she grows up, and it makes rape culture obvious.

Would he have acted differently if he knew it would hurt his own daughter?

TRIGGER WARNING: This video contains images and explicit language related to rape, domestic violence, and self-blame.

A joke is just a joke, right?

And gosh, why does everyone try so hard to be politically correct? Can't anyone take a joke anymore, or say thank you to a compliment?

Those are the kinds of things you might be hearing a lot lately. But pushing back against certain types of jokes is so important because rhetoric, including jokes against women, helps form people's threshold for what's normal and acceptable. That rhetorical normalcy in targeting women can cause the most disturbed among us to think it's OK to prey on them.

Who can make that point to ordinary men better than their own daughters?

CARE Norway created a powerful video to get that point across. In a spoken letter to her father, a girl tells her dad what her life is going to be like because of misogyny.

She knows how protective he is of her. He won't even let her mom eat sushi.

GIFs from CARE Norway.

But his daughter has to break the bad news to him.

"By the time I’m 14, the boys in my class will have called me a whore, a bitch, a cunt, and many other things. It’s just for fun, of course. "

She continues, showing how what she thought were seemingly innocuous cultural norms can translate into painful situations.

"Still, some of the people won’t get the joke. ... So by the time I turn 16, a couple of the boys will have snuck their hands down my pants while I’m so drunk I can’t even stand straight. And although I say no, they just laugh. It’s funny, right? If you saw me, Daddy, you would be so ashamed ... because I’m wasted. No wonder I’m raped when I’m 21."

She goes on to detail more of the kinds of dire situations that will arise in her life because of a society that thinks it's funny to degrade women. So she asks her father a huge favor: to be one of the people who stands up against misogyny when he sees it and hears it.

This video is not safe for work.

And be forewarned that she makes statements blaming herself for the things that happen to her — in order to make a point about how women so often blame themselves instead of the factors really at play.

The video gives a visceral, chilling vision of how the world is not safe for women.

A new society that is as safe for women as it is for men is possible. But everyone has to work together to make it happen. Dads everywhere need to see this. Daughters everywhere need to see this. But so do sons and mothers. Make sure they do.

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Mom explains the common Boomer parenting style that still affects many adults today

Many are relieved to finally have a term for this experience.

Photo by Monstera Production

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this.

This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood for the sake of saving face.

In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”

Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”


@parkrosepermaculture Replying to @Joe Namath #boomerparents #toxicparent #harmony #genx #millennial #badparenting #conflict #nocontact ♬ original sound - Parkrose Permaculture


“Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

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Obituary for a 'very sick man' went viral because it's so funny you'll wish you knew him

You'd never want to date one of his daughters.

via Legacy.com

Joe Heller (1937 - 2019) of Essex, Connecticut appears to have lived a full life: he was in the Navy, worked at the Yale library, and raised three daughters. But he was also a hoarder, a hardcore napper, and loved pulling pranks that involved feces.

Well, as Abe Lincoln once said,"A man without vices is a man without virtues."

His hilarious obituary, believed to be penned by one of his daughters, is going viral because it paints a loving picture of a man who clearly didn't take life too seriously — a lesson we could all use from time to time.

The obituary opens with a helluva zinger.

Joe Heller made his last undignified and largely irreverent gesture on Sept. 8, 2019, signing off on a life, in his words, 'generally well-lived and with few regrets.' When the doctors confronted his daughters with the news last week that 'your father is a very sick man,' in unison they replied, 'you have no idea.'

In his youth, Heller played the role of a prankster.

Being the eldest was a dubious task but he was up for the challenge and led and tortured his siblings through a childhood of obnoxious pranks, with his brother, Bob, generally serving as his wingman. Pat, Dick and Kathy were often on the receiving end of such lessons as "Ding Dong, Dogsh*t" and thwarting lunch thieves with laxative-laced chocolate cake and excrement meatloaf sandwiches. His mother was not immune to his pranks as he named his first dog, "Fart," so she would have to scream his name to come home if he wandered off.



He met the "love of his life" at work and his daughter can't believe he fooled her into marriage.

Joe was a self-taught chemist and worked at Cheeseborough-Ponds where he developed one of their first cosmetics' lines. There he met the love of his life, Irene, who was hoodwinked into thinking he was a charming individual with decorum. Boy, was she ever wrong. Joe embarrassed her daily with his mouth and choice of clothing. To this day we do not understand how he convinced our mother, an exceedingly proper woman and a pillar in her church, to sew and create the colorful costumes and props which he used for his antics.

Heller had a knack for creatively intimidating his daughters' boyfriends.

Growing up in Joe's household was never dull. If the old adage of "You only pull the hair of those you love" holds true, his three daughters were well loved. Joe was a frequent customer of the girls' beauty shops, allowing them to "do" his hair and apply make-up liberally. He lovingly assembled doll furniture and built them a play kitchen and forts in the back yard. During their formative years, Joe made sure that their moral fibers were enriched by both Archie Bunker and Benny Hill. When they began dating, Joe would greet their dates by first running their license plates and checking for bald tires. If their vehicle passed inspection, they were invited into the house where shotguns, harpoons and sheep "nutters" were left clearly on display.


He never met a dog he didn't like.

After retiring from running Bombaci Fuel, he was perhaps, most well-known for his role as the Essex Town "Dawg Kecher." He refused to put any of his "prisoners" down and would look for the perfect homes for them. One of them was a repeat offender who he named "A**hole" because no owner would ever keep him for very long because he was, in fact, an a**hole. My Dad would take his buddy on daily rides in his van and they'd roam around town with the breeze blowing through both of their fur. He never met a dog he didn't like, the same could not be said for the wanna-be blue bloods, snoots and summer barnacles that roamed about town.


He had a small issue with hoarding.

Joe was a frequent shopper at the Essex Dump and he left his family with a house full of crap, 300 pounds of birdseed and dead houseplants that they have no idea what to do with. If there was ever a treasure that he snatched out from under you among the mounds of junk, please wait the appropriate amount of time to contact the family to claim your loot.

Heller was born with an innate napping ability.

Joe was also a consummate napper. There wasn't a road, restaurant or friend's house in Essex that he didn't fall asleep on or in. There wasn't an occasion too formal or an event too dour that Joe didn't interrupt with his apnea and voluminous snoring.

According to the obituary, Heller will be laid to rest on Friday, September 13, at 10:00 am in Centerbrook Cemetery, but his family urges attendees to dress casually.

Joe despised formality and stuffiness and would really be ticked off if you showed up in a suit. Dress comfortably. The family encourages you to don the most inappropriate T-Shirt that you are comfortable being seen in public with as Joe often did. Everybody has a Joe story and we'd love to hear them all. Joe faced his death and his mortality, as he did with his life, face on, often telling us that when he dropped dead to dig a hole in the back yard and just roll him in.

You can read the entire obituary at Legacy.com.


This article originally appeared on 9.10.19

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Salesman shares the 2 phrases that will make salespeople leave you alone when shopping

"I'm just looking," doesn't work.

via Antoni Shkraba/Pexels

A salesman selling a car to a skeptical woman.

It can be intimidating to be approached by a salesperson when making a big purchase, such as a car or an appliance. They can swoop in like sharks, seeing blood in the water and some refuse to leave you alone, even if you say, “I’m just looking.”

TikTok's @RussFlipsWhips is a car salesman who went viral with a video explaining why “I’m just looking” doesn’t work on a car lot and providing more effective phrases you can use instead.

"There's two main reasons, and here's what you should say instead of 'I'm just looking,'" he said in a video with over 345,000 views. “One is, we hear it every single day. So when somebody tells me, ‘I’m just looking,’ I’m so used to hearing that, I almost like brush it off and ignore it because I’m like, ‘That’s what the customer’s supposed to say.’ “Secondly, every car salesman has had a customer say, ‘I’m just looking,’ and we ended up selling them a car."


Instead, Russell suggests you say: "Hey, I’d really like to look alone. Can I please have your business card?" or “I’m really not in the market for a car.”


@russflipswhips

Replying to @SoyPablo This is what I would say #carsales #carsalesman #cardealership #carbuyingtips

The post received funny responses from folks who may not qualify for a loan. “The ‘I have 2 repos and no money down' line works wonders,’” one TikToker joked. “I just tell them my credit score and they run,” another added.

In the end, Russell’s suggestions show that sometimes, the best way to get our point across is to be direct and honest. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to shop alone and if the salesperson can respect that request, they deserve the sale if you decide to buy something.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

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Fed up news anchor had the best response to a man who told her to dress ‘like a normal woman’

Women shouldn't have to dress for the male gaze.

via KGW-TV / YouTube

One of the major differences between women and men is that women are often judged based on their looks rather than their character or abilities.

"Men as well as women tend to establish the worth of individual women primarily by the way their body looks, research shows. We do not do this when we evaluate men," Naomi Ellemers Ph.D. wrote in Psychology Today.

Dr. Ellers believes that this tendency to judge a woman solely on her looks causes them to be seen as an object rather than a person.

"As a result of focusing on their outwardly visible features, we are tempted to overlook their inner states, ignore markers of their intentions, beliefs, and desires, and less likely to empathize with their plight," Ellers continued.

Women in the spotlight are constantly being judged based on their looks rather than their performance in a given field. Serena Williams once won the French Open but all the press was about what she wore on the court.

Hillary Clinton has been constantly being criticized throughout her political life for what she wore or her hair style rather than her accomplishments.

Maggie Vespa, a news anchor at KGW-TV in Portland, was criticized for how she dresses by a male viewer, so she brilliantly took the incident and used it as a way to talk about the double standards women face.

via KGW-TV / YouTube

"Just wanted to let you know that the clothes you've been wearing, especially those crazy pants that ride half way up your torso, are not cool looking, in any way!," Jeffrey, a male viewer, wrote to Vespa on Facebook. You're way too pretty to look so foolish."

The next day, he sent her another message. "OMG, you really looked uncomfortably tonight. Try dressing like a normal woman. Doesn't KGW pay you enough for a wardrobe makeover?" Jeffrey wrote.

via KGW-TV / YouTube

Vespa posted about the emails on social media and received hundreds of responses, so she carved out a few minutes to discuss the situation on the news.

"Let's just get this out of the way at the top. This is dumb," Vespa responded.

There was no way she was going to start dressing for the male gaze.

"These are my pants. I like them. I bought them."

Maggie went on to show photos of five different pairs of high-waisted pants that she wore in the week following Jeffrey's messages. Maggie's colleagues also got in on it, donning high-waisted pants to show their support.

via KGW-TV / YouTube

Vespa said the harassment "hit a nerve" with people on social media who used it as an opportunity to discuss "the pressure women obviously face, especially those in the public eye to embody the epitome of physical attractiveness at all times."

"If we don't, it's somehow seen as a sign that we're less credible or less capable and, by and large, guys don't have to deal with this," Vespa continued. " As my awesome male coworkers can and have attested to."

Vespa then brilliantly spun the harassment into an empowering message for women.

"Our goal here is to send a message, to women, to girls, to everyone: Dress how you want, look how you want, and if anybody tries to make you feel less than because of that, that's their problem, not yours," Vespa said.


This article originally appeared on 9.11.19

news anchor high-waisted pants

Study shows people with these 5 personality traits are more satisfied in life.

The surprising findings are a bit of a good news/bad news situation.

Unsplash

If you were to try to pinpoint the things that might lead someone to say they're satisfied with their life, there might be a few obvious choices.

Things like having fulfilling relationships, an enjoyable career, good physical health, and a decent salary seem like a good starting point.

But while all of those things definitely play a role in how happy we are, a new study shows that there are much bigger factors at play — and that they come entirely from within.

A new study shows that people with certain personality types and traits are more likely to be satisfied with their lives.

A meta-analysis published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology revealed some fascinating insights about the long-studied realm of Life Satisfaction — which seems like a super important thing to get to the bottom of!

Regardless of what was going on in someone's relationships or career, researchers were able to predict with a high level of accuracy someone's satisfaction level based on their scores in the Big Five personality domains.


woman in black and white tank top Photo by Caique Nascimento on Unsplash

The characteristics people shared that lead to a higher likelihood of them being satisfied were:

  • Emotionally stable
  • Extroverted
  • Conscientious
  • Agreeable
  • Open

(Openness and agreeableness were correlated with high satisfaction, but less so than the other traits.)

Data was collected twice over a ten year period, and researchers found that people who were highly satisfied tended to stay that way — providing even more evidence that outside circumstance, which naturally ebbs and flows through the years, didn't play a large role.

Some feelings and traits that were highly correlated with feeling low satisfaction were "misunderstood, unexcited, indecisive, envious, bored, used, unable, and unrewarded" according to the study.

The findings could seem like bad news for people who feel they might score the opposite way in the Big Five. As an introvert myself, I have to admit my heart sank a bit when I saw the list. But don't worry, there's plenty of hopes for all of us.

The good news is that personality can change over time, and it's quite common for people to see big changes in the "Big Five" personality traits as they age.


woman taking photo while showing smile Photo by Gabriel Silvério on Unsplash

Even if you're a closed-minded, emotionally unstable introvert, that doesn't mean you're doomed to a lifetime of dissatisfaction. It's just a correlation. There are lots of happy people on all ends of the spectrum.
And better yet, our personalities can and will change over time, especially if we want them to.

In particular, becoming more conscientious and agreeable as you get older is quite common! Changes in some personality traits even continue into our sixties and beyond.

You can even become more extraverted over time, if you're motivated to do so. It doesn't seem super fair, but the modern world is definitely biased toward making extroverts feel comfortable (especially in America), so it makes sense that introverts may need to adapt in some ways to feel that they're living their best life.

Essentially, introverts can "fake it 'til you make it" by adopting certain extroverted behaviors until they start to feel a change in the way they see themselves. You may never be a true "life of the party" type but you can cultivate your inner extrovert.

(It would also be great if modern schools and workplaces met introverts at least halfway.)

If that fails, you can always work on being more open-minded and conscientious.

Once you understand that our personalities are fluids, the new findings about life satisfaction should be seen as a good thing. Almost everything we need to feel fulfilled and content with our lives is already inside of us, and it's not as dependent on our jobs or romantic relationships as we previously thought.

While being in good physical health or making a good salary are definitely a big leg up, happiness really comes from how you see the world and how you approach the problems you do have.

It's not a simple on-off switch, but I think it's amazing news that just because external factors beyond your control might be making things hard, there's always room to grow into a more satisfied approach to life.

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