A 5th-grader wrote 7 rules for talking to girls — but grown-ups could learn from them too.
When school began in 2016, Zoë was already over it.
Specifically, she was fed up with a boy in her class named Noah, who, like many fifth-grade boys, hadn't quite figured out how to flirt with girls in a way that's not intrusive and obnoxious.
According to Twitter user @WhosDenverJones, a reported friend of the kids' teacher, Zoë did try to let Noah down easy. Unfortunately, Noah was stubborn and persistent, like kids can be in the heat of their first big crush.
Zoë took matters into her own hands, writing him a colorful letter that laid down the ground rules of courtship, consent, and general communication of romantic intent:
Zoë's letter is obviously cute and hilarious. But it's also painfully poignant — and, unfortunately, relevant to relationships beyond the fifth grade.
Obviously, Noah's still just a kid and we should forgive his preadolescent oversights. Chances are, the poor kid genuinely didn't know any better, and now he's feeling heartbroken and confused. As a former fifth-grade boy myself, I can relate.
That doesn't mean we should just let it slide, of course. There are plenty of grown men in this world who still haven't figured out the lessons that Zoë put forth in her letter. But everybody's gotta learn some time, and a fifth-grade heartbreak is the perfect opportunity to drive the point home.
Let's break it down:
1. "Do not touch my shoulders."
This is a pretty simple request. Zoë — like all women — doesn't need a guy's help brushin' off her shoulders. Her body is her body, just like anyone's body. It belongs to her and her alone.
GIF via KellyRowlandVEVO/YouTube.
2. "Do not get behind me with all that playing + foolishness. (Don't get behind me at all.)"
Again with the personal space invasion! Listen, people: Just because you're not touching someone doesn't mean it's OK to crowd them.
This isn't limited to intentional crowding either. Sometimes guys tend to take up more space anyway, even when we don't mean to. So pay attention to your own personal bubble, and be aware of other people's bubbles around you too.
GIF from "The New Girl."
3. "Do not speak to me unless it's a greeting, which will be never."
I hate to break it to you, bros, but no one owes you a conversation. If someone doesn't want to talk, then don't talk to them. It doesn't matter if you think you're being nice or polite or complimentary. If they don't wanna hear it, then it's just plain obnoxious.
(Also, protip: Never try to start a conversation by yelling at someone from across the street.)
GIF from "Bachelor in Paradise."
4. "Stop playing with me on the bus."
This might sound adorably specific to Zoë and Noah's schoolyard situation, but it's actually something that affects a lot of women when they're out in public — at every age and in every part of the country.
Just because you have a captive audience doesn't mean you should hold them captive and force them to interact with you. Next time you're out in the park or waiting for the train and you see a cute woman chillin' with her headphones on and a copy of "The Handmaid's Tale" in her lap? Leave her alone, please and thanks.
GIF from "The Adventures of Pete & Pete."
5. "I have a short temper with people and you ruin my day because you play 2 much."
There are two things going on here: First, when someone tells you straight-up what they need in order to maintain their own mental well-being, you should listen. It doesn't matter if they convey it verbally or physically (read: sitting and waiting for the train, like above). Even if you find that kind of self-assurance to be incredibly attractive, the best way to honor it is by not bothering her.
The second truth that young Zoë hits on is that women often have to work extra hard to get the credit and recognition they deserve. That's not your fault, but it is unfortunately the way our society works. That means she ain't got time for your games, and you should respect that too. (Especially when she's being so forward about it.)
Remember, kids, it's not misandry if you're just being obnoxious and/or an evil thug in service of Justin Hammer's insidious agenda. GIF from "Iron Man 2."
6. "Reread 500 times."
Zoë might only be in fifth grade herself, but she's articulating the same frustrations of every woman who's ever lived and is similarly sick of having to repeat these exact same points over and over and over again.
Don't act dumb. I know you've heard all this stuff before. And if you think you haven't, it's probably because you haven't been paying attention.
But maybe you'll listen to another dude — me — when he tells you: Let it go.
GIF from "Frozen." Kind of.
7. "You like me (as a gf) but I don't like you (as a bf). I'm too young!"
This is the central idea of "consent," just in case you still weren't clear on the other points that Zoë made: No means no, bro. And that's that.
GIF of Amber Rose on "It's Not You, It's Men" with Reverend Run and Tyrese.
Zoë's letter can basically be boiled down to one crucial point: Instead of letting "boys be boys," we need to teach them that consent is important and that no one is entitled to someone else's body, time, or affections.
Preferably, we would start that education well before fifth grade, but when it comes to kids like Noah, it's better late than never.
In an ideal world, Zoë wouldn't have been forced to express herself with such entertaining eloquence.
But the fact that a fifth-grade girl is able to be so forward with her feelings and articulate the frustrations that so many other women are feeling? That's pretty cool. It means that something's changing in the world, and it's absolutely for the better.
There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
A woman in black long sleeve shirt stands in front of mirror.
Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."