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What's one of the WORST ways to motivate someone? Hint: You see it all the time.

The surprising truth about what motivates us.

TRUE or FALSE: The best way to motivate a certain behavior in someone is simply to reward them for it.


False. Well, kind of.

Of course, it's not entirely that simple. The ideal motivation depends on what kind of task you're trying to get someone to accomplish. Author Daniel Pink cites a couple studies that prove this whole motivation thing is a lot more complicated than we thought. Let's take a look.

The experiment: Give people different levels of cash rewards to perform various tasks.

Seems pretty straightforward, right? People were asked to memorize numbers, solve crosswords, play basketball — all sorts of stuff. And they were promised cash rewards as motivation. Money money money money! So, what happened?

The result: For any tasks that called for cognitive skill, higher pay resulted in poorer performance.

Say WHHAAAAATTT!? Yep. As long as the task involved only mechanical skill, bonuses worked as expected: higher pay = better performance. But as soon as the task called for cognitive skill, bonuses worked in the opposite way: higher pay = poorer performance.

OK, well then how do you motivate people to perform those tasks that do require thought?

Daniel Pink says the answer here lies in three fancy buzzwords: autonomy, mastery, and purpose.

First, you gotta pay people enough that money is no longer an issue. Then they can actually focus on the work at hand. That's where autonomy (our desire to be in charge of our own lives), mastery (our desire to get better at stuff), and purpose (our desire to make a difference) come into play.

Purpose is kind of the kicker here. We all want to make the world a better place. Maybe the thing standing in the way of us making a better world is just the outdated way we think about motivation. How about that carrot for thought?

"If we start treating people like people, and not assuming that they're simply horses ... if we get past this kind of ideology of carrots and sticks and look at the science, I think we can actually ... make our world just a little bit better."

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A 3-word method can help you make relaxed small talk that doesn't feel like an interview

Injecting some personality can make things a lot more fun.

via Canva/Photos

A man and woman chatting over some wine.

A lot of people are uncomfortable making small talk, but it’s an essential skill that can make or break your love life, career, and social experiences. Many people believe that being good at chatting with others is something innate, but those who excel at it work at their craft and pick up small tips along the way to become better communicators.

One of the tricks that all great communicators know is that you will be more likable when you're more interested than interesting. Study after study shows that people love talking about themselves, and if you ask people more questions, they will like you a lot more than if you did all the talking. So, how do we do this without creating a one-sided conversation where your conversation partner learns nothing about you? The folks at the Science of People have shared the statement-plus question technique.

The statement-plus technique

“One of the smoothest ways to keep conversation flowing is to share a brief personal statement followed by a question,” the Science of People writes. “This technique accomplishes two things: it gives the other person information about you (making you seem more approachable and interesting) while also redirecting focus to them.”

small talk, conversation, office party, people talking, wine Coworkers having a nice conversation.via Canva/Photos

Here are some examples:

Instead of asking “What do you do for work?” say:

“I’m a writer for Upworthy, and I enjoy seeing my work read by millions of people. What excites you about your job?”

Instead of asking, “Where do you live?” try:

“I live in Long Beach, California, and it’s really nice living by the ocean. What do you love the most about where you live?”

Instead of asking, “How do you know the person who threw the party?” say:

“I met Sarah at a church meeting seven years ago. Do you remember the first time you met her?”

These questions enable you to discuss yourself while maintaining the focus on the other person. They are also open-ended, so you don’t just get a one-word answer. You learn their job and what excites them about it. You know where they live, and they get to brag about what they like about the city. The technique also broadens the conversation because, according to the psychological phenomenon known as reciprocal self-disclosure, people are more likely to disclose things about themselves after you share something about yourself.

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What is reciprocal self-disclosure?

“The most likely result of your self-disclosure is that other people will do the same. In the field of communication, we refer to this as 'reciprocity.' When you share information about yourself, the most likely result is that people will start to disclose a similar type of information from their own lives," communication coach Alexander Lyon says. "In our presentations, we talk about this as a magic wand. Disclosure is the closest thing we have to a magic wand in terms of a concept in communication. When you disclose, other people almost automatically reciprocate."

Ultimately, people love to talk about themselves, and if you give them the opportunity, they will like you more for it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reveal some aspects of yourself at the same time while keeping the focus on them. The statement-plus question technique allows you to reveal some things about yourself while making the other person feel seen and comfortable telling you more about themselves. It’s sure to elevate your small talk to something more substantial in a relaxed way that doesn’t feel like an interview.

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Simple '30-second rule' can help even awkward people appear to be brilliant conversationalists

Do this one thing early in the conversation and you'll be off and running.

via Canva/Photos

A man and two women having a fun conversation.

It's bold but true: There’s no one alive who doesn’t feel some anxiety about making small talk with other people. The difference is that some confront their fears because they know the incredible benefits that it can mean for their social life, romantic prospects, and careers, while some shy away and miss out on many opportunities.

People who avoid small talk may believe those who excel at it are naturally charismatic or have been blessed with the “gift of gab.” However, many great conversationalists honed their skills and have a set of rules, techniques, and strategies they use when speaking to people, just like how people who do improvisational comedy or acting have a set of rules to follow to put everyone on the same page.

Confident, sociable people may make engaging with others look effortless, but that’s because they have a strategy.

couple, date, conversation, 30-second rule, chatting, encouragement, small talk A couple shares a pizza on a date. Credit: Danny Villegas/Pexels


What is the 30-second rule?

New York Times bestselling author and founder of the Maxwell Institute, John C. Maxwell, had a rule whenever he started a conversation: “Within the first 30 seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging to a person.” This can work in any social or professional situation, for example:

At work:

“Wendy, I heard you did great on yesterday’s conference call.”

“Frank, I hear the clients really love working with you.”

At a party:

“Mohammed, I really loved those pictures you posted on Instagram on your trip to Mexico.”

“Sang, are we going to get some of your incredible barbecue today?”

On a date:

“Thanks for choosing such a great restaurant, it has such a nice ambiance.”

“I really like the way your necklace brings out your eyes.”

Whether you are complimenting, relaying positive information about the person, or encouraging them, the key is to pump them up and make them feel good about themselves. The 30-second rule fits nicely into Maxwell’s overall view of relationships: “Those who add to us, draw us to them. Those who subtract, cause us to withdraw,” he said.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

The key to giving the other person encouragement is to do so genuinely. If you aren’t genuine with your compliments or words of encouragement, your words can have the opposite effect and make the other person feel like you are being condescending.

How does encouragement make people feel?

Studies have shown that when people hear words of encouragement, they feel good and have a burst of energy. Psychologist Henry H. Goddard studied tired children and found that they had a burst of energy when he said something encouraging to them. But when he said something negative, they became even more tired.

Ultimately, a direct connection exists between being likeable and being genuinely interested in other people. William King once said, “A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”

couple, date, conversation, 30-second rule, chatting, encouragement, small talkYou can do it!


Every time you start a new conversation with someone, take the opportunity to share some words of encouragement with the other person, and you’ll be on your way to being seen as a brilliant conversationalist.

This article originally appeared in May. It has been updated.

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These 4 words can keep a conversation flowing forever no matter how bad you are at small talk

There's literally no way to screw this up.

Credit: Canva

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

conversation, friends, small talk, chatting Two women chatting in front of a fire. Credit: Atlantic Ambience/Pexels

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement:

"It reminds me of…”

A Redditor recently shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun:

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


- YouTube www.youtube.com

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologuing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

conversation, small talk, chatting, cafe Two guys chat at a cafe. Credit: Helena Lopes/Pexels

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.


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You only have to know 4 personality 'colors' to converse easily with just about anyone

When you know someone's color, you know how to relate.

via Vinh Giang/YouTube

Which of the 4 personality colors are you?

Do you struggle to communicate effectively with certain personalities? Are you on a totally different page from your boss who intimidates you (RED)? You can’t get a word in with your nephew, who never takes himself seriously (YELLOW)? Your spouse is reliable but always asking for more details and wants to overplan everything (BLUE)? Or does your BFF never have an opinion on anything (GREEN)?

The good news is that if certain people are frustrating to talk to, you’re not alone. In fact, according to Swedish behavioral expert Thomas Erikson, author of Surrounded By Idiots: The Four Types of Human Behaviour (or, how to Understand Those Who Cannot Be Understood), we have a hard time communicating with most people because we all have one of four communication personality types, and they often clash.

It’s great when you are, say, a BLUE talking to a BLUE and you both appreciate having a logical back-and-forth filled with plenty of details. However, if you’re a YELLOW and they’re a RED, you may find the person you’re speaking to is impatient and they think you are exasperating.


Let’s take a look at the four color personalities. Everyone is a combination of different colors, but everyone has a core language that they speak:

RED: (Dominant) Decisive, competitive, goal-oriented, and assertive. Focused on action and results.

GREEN: (Stable) Empathetic, patient, calm. Focused on cooperation, relationships, and harmony.

BLUE: (Analytical) Precise, cautious, detail-oriented. Focused on accuracy, structure, and logic.

YELLOW: (Inspiring) Persuasive, sociable, enthusiastic. Focused on fun, recognition, and creativity.

Which of the 4 personality colors are you?

If, after reading the description, you’re not entirely sure which color you are, take this free quiz here.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Communications Expert Vinh Giang explained how to interact with the different colors on his YouTube page. "Now, I'm not telling you to change the essence of who you are,” Giang says. “I'm telling you that if you want to be a more effective communicator, you need to learn how to adjust your delivery and speak in their communication style so that you can connect better with them.”

Here’s how he explains talking to different colors (text has been edited for length and clarity):

RED:

Ensure you are direct, decisive, and confident, and use frameworks effectively when communicating. They love the frameworks because they will help you become clearer, concise, and coherent. They respect speed, clarity, and results. So, skip the fluff and focus on the outcome.

YELLOW:

Be enthusiastic, positive, and engaging. Don't say, "Let me give you a five-hour tutorial exactly on how to use this particular camera," instead of that, say, "Hey, just hit the record button. Have some fun. Go work it out as you go. You're going to love it." Why do this? Well, because they thrive on energy, ideas, and stories. Keep it light. Keep it fun. Keep it creative. Let them roam free.

GREEN:

Be calm, patient, and supportive. Don't say, "We need to make this change right now. Now, now, now, now, now." Say instead, "Hey, listen. I know this is a shift, but we'll move at a pace that feels comfortable for you, and I'm going to support you all the way through it." Greens value harmony and reliability. So, slow down, listen, and avoid pushing too hard too fast.

BLUE:

Be precise, structured, and factual. Don't say, "Don't worry about the details. Just trust me." Instead, say, "Here's all the data, and here's the step-by-step plan that I've created from the data, and I want to give it to you so you can do a quick double check if you want." Do you notice the subtle change there for the blue? They care about accuracy and process.

meeting, business, laptops, speech, looking at you People looking at you while you make a speech.via Canva/Photos

While some people may feel they are being inauthentic by changing their communication style based on other people’s core personality colors, Giang reminds us that the best communicators can tailor their message to their audience.

“Masterful communicators meet people where they are and make the connection effortless,” Giang says. “We often hear the phrase, ‘Be yourself.’ And yes, look, that is true to a certain extent. But if you want to truly connect with others, you also have to learn to be dynamic like water. You adapt to the shape of the vessel that you're poured into.”

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A coconut saved President John F. Kennedy's life during WWII, and the story is wild

JFK and 10 fellow Navy crew members were stranded on a deserted island in the South Pacific.

Images via Wikipedia/Reddit

During World War II, President John F. Kennedy served in the Navy when his boat sank in the South Pacific.

John F. Kennedy was sworn in as the 35th President of the United States on January 20, 1961. But before that, he served in the United States Navy during World War II—and almost didn't survive.

Kennedy joined the Navy in 1941. After years of training and never seeing active combat, he actively sought out the opportunity to do so—and in April 1943, he was transferred to a torpedo boat base at Tulagi Island in the Solomon Islands in the South Pacific.

He commanded a patrol torpedo boat called PT 109. On August 1, he was sent out on an overnight patrol to intercept Japanese warships when it collided with a Japanese defender. PT 109 was split in two and eventually sunk, killing two crew members. Miraculously, Kennedy and 10 of his crewman survived—in part due to the future president's heroics.

Kennedy, who injured his back, and his crewman were left to swim ashore to a small deserted island called Plum Pudding. A strong swimmer, Kennedy pulled one of the injured crewman to shore using his teeth that were gripping the strap of a lifejacket worn by the injured crewman for over three miles. The crew were in the water for 15 hours before making landfall.

However, once they arrived on land, they had no food or water. They subsisted on foraged coconuts and rainwater. Four days passed and all hope was lost after multiple attempts at seeking help, until Kennedy and his men were discovered by two indigenous men paddling in a canoe. Serendipitously, the men were working for the Allies. Their names were Biuku Gasa and Eroni Kumana.

To communicate that Kennedy and 10 crew members were still alive, he carved an inscription in the husk of a coconut for Gasa and Kumana to pass along to Allied forces. [Gasa and Kumana heroically risked their lives to do so as well.]

Kennedy inscribed the coconut with the message: "NAURO ISL…COMMANDER…NATIVE KNOWS POS'IT…HE CAN PILOT…11 ALIVE…NEED SMALL BOAT…KENNEDY."

jfk, john f kennedy, coconut, coconut inscription, coconut world war II John F. Kennedy coconut inscription.Image via Reddit

It worked. The message was delivered to a New Zealand camp run by Lt. A. Reginald Evans, who summoned Kennedy first to come to the post with the team of natives. And on August 8, Kennedy's crew was rescued—a strategic feat that was done in enemy waters.

The aftermath was major for Kennedy. He was awarded both the Navy and Marine Corps Medal, as well as the Purple Heart Medal for his valiant efforts to save the crew of PT 109. In an interview, Kennedy later shared that he became a hero because: "It was involuntary. They sank my boat."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Although they never met again in person, Kennedy maintained a relationship with both Gasa and Kumana, exchanging letters with them throughout his presidency. The deserted island he and his crew landed on was later renamed Kennedy Island.

To commemorate the story, Kennedy's father, Joseph P. Kennedy, had the coconut husk preserved in plastic. Kennedy kept the coconut husk on his desk in the Oval Office. Today, the coconut is on display at the John F Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum.

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