Women shared how they make sexist men explain their nasty jokes, and it's so satisfying
Making them sit in the discomfort of their own filth is an excellent way to shut that garbage down.
Women share the times they've mad men explain their sexist jokes
Ask almost any woman about a time a man said or did something sexually inappropriate to them, and she'll have a story or four to tell. According to a survey NPR published last year, 81% of women report having experienced sexual harassment, with verbal harassment being the most common. (By contrast, 43% of men report being sexually harassed. Naturally harassment toward anyone of any sex or gender is not okay, but women have been putting up with this ish unchecked for centuries.)
One form of verbal sexual harassment is the all too common sexist or sexual "joke." Ha ha ha, I'm going to say something explicit or demeaning about you and then we can all laugh about how hilarious it is. And I'll probably get away with it because you'll be too embarrassed to say anything, and if you do you'll be accused of being overly sensitive. Ha! Won't that be a hoot?
Perhaps women's familiarity with such episodes is why writer Heather Thompson Day's tweet about asking her male boss to explain a sexual joke to her has had such an enormous response. Day told a story of working at a radio station when she was 19 when her boss, who was in his mid-40s, made an inappropriate comment:
"When I was 19 my boss said I should be a phone sex operator & laughed.
I said 'I don't get it'
He said 'it's a joke'
I said 'explain it to me'
& that's how I learned that once sexual harrassers have to explain why their inappropriate jokes are funny, they stop laughing."
When I was 19 my boss said I should be a phone sex operator & laughed.
— Heather Thompson Day (@HeatherTDay) November 8, 2019
I said “I don’t get it”
He said “it’s a joke”
I said “explain it to me”
& that’s how I learned that once sexual harrassers have to explain why their inappropriate jokes are funny, they stop laughing.
Day's tweet has been shared more than 130K times. Other women also chimed in with similar stories of stopping sexist men in their tracks with their responses to inappropriate jokes.
My first internship was in a very professional company. We learned direct questions quickly stop inappropriate workplace comments. Direct eye contact:
— LiteFanFun (@LiteFanFun) November 9, 2019
1) I don't understand -- explain it to me.
2) Help me to understand -- repeat it.
3) Can you provide an example?
It works.
YES! At my first full time job, my new boss called me and then made the comment that I had the voice of a phone sex operator. I responded, “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never called one.” His stammering and backpedaling still bring me joy over 20 years later.
— New Year, Same V (@scribblesnbitsV) November 10, 2019
I did the same thing to a guy who harassed me on a train. He said some rather disgusting things and I looked him dead in the eyes and said "tell me how you think that's an appropriate thing to say. Explain it to me" he was not happy and got real quiet so I could leave.
— Chess! ♿️ 🏳️⚧️ (@Captain_Ogilvy) November 8, 2019
What's baffling is that some men may think that women actually might respond positively to such jokes. One woman simply responds to random harassers with "Please tell me about the last time this worked on an actual woman for you." Works every time.
My personal favorite to dudes who try to chat me up in parking lots, etc. is to ask, “Please tell me about the last time this worked on an actual woman for you.” They IMMEDIATELY run away.
— hashtagkaren (@HashtagKaren) November 9, 2019
Of course, sometimes it takes more than just a no nonsense response to get some dudes to back off.
Was lifeguarding in college and had to watch the water while construction workers built a filming tower in the water. Kept pestering me about “mouth to mouth” and I kept answering with questions straight from the book.
— Leighann Strollo (@LeighannStrollo) November 8, 2019
RELATED: Emma Watson launches hotline that provides women legal advice on workplace sexual harassment
Sometimes it simply takes repeatedly being called out, especially if a man holds a position of power.
My boss made a joke about recognizing my mom because he probably had sex with her in college. I asked him to explain the joke, in an open office, while making direct contact with the COO, his boss. It took four more months and many incidents for him to be fired.
— Ellen Kaulig (@ekaulig) November 9, 2019
As one woman pointed out, it might take the threat of being documented to put an end to it. (Or, you know, actually documenting it can do wonders as well.)
Excellent. I was around 19 when a boss said something over the top and I replied with “I’m going to put that in my log” and he said “what log?” And I said “my harassment log. I write it all down”. And then it all just sort of stopped and I found out he didn’t sleep for 3 days 😂
— Denike (@de_nike) November 9, 2019
Several men jumped into the conversation with words of support. Because of course plenty of men are bothered by sexist "jokes" as well and understand that genuine jokes can be explained without hesitation or embarrassment.
If a thing is genuinely a joke it would be easy to explain.
— dan sheppard (@ashenfaced) November 9, 2019
Men can also use a similar approach when confronting their friends, acquaintances, and colleagues when inappropriate comments or jokes come up.
In fact, Heather Thompson Day said it was her dad who originally instructed her on how to respond to men's inappropriate comments. "Don't laugh," he told her. "Ask them to explain the joke. They will stop making them." Well done, Dad.
I’m not as cool as it sounds. My dad told me when i got the job “if any men say inappropriate comments, don’t laugh. Ask them to explain the joke. They will stop making them.” So Dad’s for the win
— Heather Thompson Day (@HeatherTDay) November 8, 2019
It was also pointed out that this approach works with "jokes" that are racist, homophobic, or otherwise harmful as well. When people have to explain their prejudice and bigotry, they usually can't.
Pro tip: this also works on race "jokes"
— Corey (@HowlFromtheCore) November 8, 2019
I've had several coworkers over the years say, "you know how THOSE people are..." expecting me to agree. So I always say, "no, how ARE they?" Please, explain your racism/bigotry/prejudice to all of us.
— Erin McCord (@erinmcfavorite) November 8, 2019
And then there's always the next level "You remind me of someone heinous" response, which may be a bit brutal, but is sometimes necessary to drive home the point.
I had this happen with someone that thought it was cute to talk about 'coons. Once my "confusion" about racoons annoyed him, he finally dropped the N word, I gave my standard reply: You remind me of my grandfather. He liked to use that word, and he also like to rape little girls.
— Kristy (@llamalluv) November 8, 2019
People in marginalized groups have had to put up with hurtful jokes for far too long. Asking people to explain them and making them sit in the discomfort of their own filth is an excellent way to shut that garbage down.
This article originally appeared on 11.13.19
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There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
A woman in black long sleeve shirt stands in front of mirror.
Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."