The uncomfortable truth about tipping, explained with stick figures

It’s about time we got to the bottom of this.

Dec 7, 2017

Photo credit: Photo by Sam Dan Truong on Unsplash – Tipping isn’t about gratitude for good service

This post was originally published on Wait But Why.

Tipping is not about generosity.

Tipping isn’t about gratitude for good service. And tipping certainly isn’t about doing what’s right and fair for your fellow man.

Tipping is about making sure you don’t mess up what you’re supposed to do.

In my case, the story goes like this: In college, I was a waiter at a weird restaurant called Fire and Ice. This is the front page of their website (FYI: those lame word labels are on the site, not added by me):

All photos are from the original WaitButWhy post and used with permission.

That sad guy in the back is one of the waiters. He’s sad because he gets no salary and relies on tips like every other waiter, but people undertip him because at this restaurant they get their own food so they think he’s not a real waiter even though he has to bring them all their drinks and side dishes and give them a full tour of the restaurant and tell them how it works like a clown and then bus the table because they have no busboys at the restaurant and just when the last thing he needs is for the managers to be mean and powerful middle-aged women who are mean to him, that’s what also happens.

Bad life experiences aside, the larger point here is that I came out of my time as a waiter as a really good tipper, like all people who have ever worked in a job that involves tipping. And friends of mine would sometimes notice this and say sentences like, “Tim is a really good tipper.”

My ego took a liking to these sentences, and now 10 years later, I’ve positioned myself right in the “good but not ridiculously good tipper” category.

So anytime a tipping situation arises, all I’m thinking is, “What would a good but not ridiculously good tipper do here?”

Sometimes I know exactly what the answer to that question is, and things run smoothly. But other times, I find myself in the dreaded Ambiguous Tipping Situation.

Ambiguous Tipping Situations can lead to a variety of disasters:

1. The Inadvertent Undertip

2. The Inadvertent Overtip

3. The “Shit Am I Supposed To Tip Or Not?” Horror Moment

I don’t want to live this way anymore. So , I decided to do something about it.

I put on my Weird But Earnest Guy Doing a Survey About Something hat and hit the streets, interviewing 123 people working in New York jobs that involve tipping. My interviews included waiters, bartenders, baristas, manicurists, barbers, busboys, bellhops, valets, attendants, cab drivers, restaurant delivery people, and even some people who don’t get tipped but I’m not sure why, like acupuncturists and dental hygienists.

I covered a bunch of different areas in New York, including SoHo, the Lower East Side, Harlem, the Upper East Side, and the Financial District, and I tried to capture a wide range, from the fanciest places to the dive-iest.

About 10% of the interviews ended after seven seconds when people were displeased by my presence and I’d slowly back out of the room, but for the most part, people were happy to talk to me about tipping — how much they received, how often, how it varied among customer demographics, how large a portion of their income tipping made up, etc. And it turns out that service industry workers have a lot to say on the topic.

I supplemented my findings with the help of a bunch of readers who wrote with detailed information about their own experiences and with a large amount of research, especially from the website of Wm. Michael Lynn, a leading tipping expert.

So I know stuff about this now. Here’s what you need to know before you tip someone.

1. The stats.

The most critical step in avoiding Ambiguous Tipping Situations is just knowing what you’re supposed to do. I took all the stats that seem to have a broad consensus on them and put them into this table:

This table nicely fills in key gaps in my previous knowledge. The basic idea with the low/average/high tipping levels used above is that if you’re in the average range, you’re fine and forgotten. If you’re in the low or high range, you’re noticed and remembered. And service workers have memories like elephants.

2. What tipping well (or not well) means for your budget.

Since tipping is such a large part of life, it seems like we should stop to actually understand what being a low, average, or high tipper means for our budget.

Looking at it simply, you can do some quick math and figure out one portion of your budget. For example, maybe you think you have 100 restaurant meals a year at about $25/meal — so according to the above chart, being a low, average, and high restaurant tipper all year will cost you $350 (14% tips), $450 (18% tips), and $550 (22% tips) a year. In this example, it costs a low tipper $100/year to become an average tipper and an average tipper $100/year to become a high tipper.

I got a little more comprehensive and came up with three rough profiles: Low Spender, Mid Spender, and High Spender. These vary both in the frequency of times they go to a restaurant or bar or hotel, etc., and the fanciness of the services they go to — i.e., High Spender goes to fancy restaurants and does so often and Low Spender goes out to eat less often and goes to cheaper places. I did this to cover the extremes and the middle; you’re probably somewhere in between.

3. Other factors that should influence specific tipping decisions.

One thing my interviews made clear is that there’s this whole group of situation-related factors that service industry workers think are super relevant to the amount you should tip — it’s just that customers never got the memo. Most customers have their standard tip amount in mind and don’t really think about it much beyond that.

Here’s what service workers want you to consider when you tip them:

Time matters. Sometimes a bartender cracks open eight bottles of beer, which takes 12 seconds, and sometimes she makes eight multi-ingredient cocktails with olives and a whole umbrella scene on each, which takes four minutes, and those two orders should not be tipped equally, even though they might cost the same amount.

Effort matters. Food delivery guys are undertipped. They’re like a waiter, except your table is on the other side of the city. $2 really isn’t a sufficient tip (and one delivery guy I talked to said 20% of people tip nothing). $3 or $4 is much better. And when it’s storming outside? The delivery guys I talked to all said the tips don’t change in bad weather — that’s not logical. Likewise, while tipping on takeout orders is nice but not necessary, one restaurant manager complained to me about Citibank ordering 35 lunches to go every week, which takes a long time for some waiter to package (with the soup wrapped carefully, coffees rubber-banded, dressings and condiments put in side containers) and never tipping. Effort matters and that deserves a tip.

Their salary matters. It might not make sense that in the U.S. we’ve somewhat arbitrarily deemed certain professions as “tipped professions” whereby the customers are in charge of paying the professional’s salary instead of their employer, but that’s the way it is. And as such, you have some real responsibility when being served by a tipped professional that you don’t have when being served by someone else.

It’s nice to give a coffee barista a tip, but you’re not a horrible person if you don’t because at least they’re getting paid without you. Waiters and bartenders, on the other hand, receive somewhere between $2 and $5/hour (usually closer to $2), and this part of their check usually goes entirely to taxes. Your tips are literally their only income. They also have to “tip out” the other staff, so when you tip a waiter, you’re also tipping the busboy, bartender, and others. For these reasons, it’s never acceptable to tip under 15%, even if you hate the service. The way to handle terrible service is to complain to the manager like you would in a non-tipping situation. You’re not allowed to stiff on the tip and make them work for free.

Service matters. It seems silly to put this in because it seems obvious, and yet, Michael Lynn’s research shows the amount that people tip barely correlates at all to the quality of service they receive. So while stiffing isn’t OK, it’s good to have a range in mind, not a set percentage, since good service should be tipped better than bad service.

I also discovered some other interesting (and weird) findings and facts about tipping.

1. Different demographics absolutely do tip differently

“Do any demographics of people — age, gender, race, nationality, sexual orientation, religion, profession — tend to tip differently than others?” ran away with the “Most Uncomfortable Question to Ask or Answer” award during my interviews, but it yielded some pretty interesting info. I only took seriously a viewpoint I heard at least three times, and in this post, I’m only including those viewpoints that were backed up by my online research and Lynn’s statistical studies.

Here’s the overview, which is a visualization of the results of Lynn’s polling of over 1,000 waiters. Below, each category of customer is placed at their average rating over the 1,000+ waiter surveys in the study:

Fascinating and awkward. Throughout my interviews, I heard a lot of opinions reinforcing what’s on that chart and almost none that contradicted it. The easiest one for people to focus on was foreigners being bad tippers because, first, it’s not really a demographic so it’s less awkward, and second, people could blame it on them “not knowing,” if they didn’t want to be mean. Others, though, scoffed at that, saying, “Oh they know…” As far as foreigners go, the French have the worst reputation.

People also consistently said those who act “entitled” or “fussy” or “like the world’s out to get them” are usually terrible tippers.

On the good-tipping side, people who are vacationing or drunk (or both) tip well, as do “regulars” who get to know the staff, and of course, the group of people everyone agrees are the best tippers are those who also work in the service industry (which, frankly, creeped me out by the end — they’re pretty cultish and weird about how they feel about tipping each other well).

2. Here are six proven ways for waiters to increase their tips:

Be the opposite gender of your customer
Introduce yourself by name
Sit at the table or squat next to it when taking the order
Touch the customer, in a non-creepy way
Give the customer candy when you bring the check

Of course those things work. Humans are simple.

3. A few different people said that when a tip is low, they assume the customer is cheap or hurting for money.

But when it’s high, they assume it’s because they did a great job serving the customer or because they’re likable (not that the customer is generous).

4. When a guy tips an attractive female an exorbitant amount, it doesn’t make her think he’s rich or generous or a big shot — it makes her think he’s trying to impress her.

Very transparent and ineffective, but she’s pleased to have the extra money.

5. Don’t put a zero in the tip box if it’s a situation when you’re not tipping — it apparently comes off as mean and unnecessary.

Just leave it blank and write in the total.

6. According to valets and bellhops, when people hand them a tip, they almost always do the “double fold” where they fold the bills in half twice and hand it to them with the numbers facing down so the amount of the tip is hidden.

However, when someone’s giving a really great tip, they usually hand them the bills unfolded and with the amount showing.

7. Some notes about other tipping professions I didn’t mention above:

Apparently no one tips flight attendants, and if you do, you’ll probably receive free drinks thereafter.
Golf caddies say that golfers tip better when they play better, but they always tip the best when it’s happening in front of clients.
Tattoo artists expect $10-20 on a $100 job and $40-60 on a $400 job, but they get nothing from 30% of people.
A massage therapist expects a $15-20 tip and receives one 95% of the time — about half of a massage therapist’s income is tips.
A whitewater rafting guide said he always got the best tips after a raft flipped over or something happened where people felt in danger.
Strippers not only usually receive no salary, they often receive a negative salary, i.e. they need to pay the club a fee in order to work there.

8. According to Lynn, tips in the U.S. add up to over $40 billion each year.

This is more than double NASA’s budget.

9. The U.S. is the most tip-crazed country in the world, but there’s a wide variety of tipping customs in other countries.

Tipping expert Magnus Thor Torfason’s research shows that 31 service professions involve tipping in the U.S. That number is 27 in Canada, 27 in India, 15 in the Netherlands, 5-10 throughout Scandinavia, 4 in Japan, and 0 in Iceland.

10. The amount of tipping in a country tends to correlate with the amount of corruption in the country.

This is true even after controlling for factors like national GDP and crime levels. The theory is that the same norms that encourage tipping end up leaking over into other forms of exchange. The U.S. doesn’t contribute to this general correlation, with relatively low corruption levels.

11. Celebrities should tip well because the person they tip will tell everyone they know about it forever, and everyone they tell will tell everyone they know about it forever.

For example: A friend of mine served Arnold Schwarzenegger and his family at a fancy lunch place in Santa Monica called Cafe Montana. Since he was the governor, they comped him the meal. And he left a $5 bill as the tip. I’ve told that story to a lot of people.

Celebrities known to tip well (these are the names that come up again and again in articles about this): Johnny Depp, Charles Barkley, David Letterman, Bill Murray, Charlie Sheen, Drew Barrymore
Celebrities known to tip badly: Tiger Woods, Mariah Carey, LeBron James, Heidi Klum, Bill Cosby, Madonna, Barbara Streisand, Rachael Ray, Sean Penn, Usher

I’ll finish off by saying that digging into this has made it pretty clear that it’s bad to be a bad tipper.

Don’t be a bad tipper.

As far as average versus high, that’s a personal choice and just a matter of where you want to dedicate whatever charity dollars you have to give to the world.

There’s no shame in being an average tipper and saving the generosity for other places, but I’d argue that the $200 or $500 or $1,500 per year it takes (depending on your level of spending) to become a high tipper is a pretty good use of money. Every dollar means a ton in the world of tips.

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An Operation Smile volunteer reverses an oxygen mask so a child with a cleft condition can blow a bubble for the first time in Guadalajara, Mexico. (Operation Smile Photos)

Family, Science

How Bubbles Help Kids with Cleft Conditions

For thousands of children born with cleft conditions, Operation Smile provides simple, playful tools—like bubbles—to strengthen the skills they need to speak and thrive.

Sarah Watts

5/11/2026

While a bottle of bubbles might seem out of place in a hospital setting, you might be surprised to learn that, for thousands of children around the world born with cleft lip and palate, they can be a helpful tool in comprehensive cleft care. Lilia, who was born with cleft lip and palate in 2020, is one of the many patients who received this care.

As a toddler, Lilia underwent two surgeries to treat cleft lip and palate with Operation Smile’s surgical program in Puebla, Mexico. Because of Operation Smile’s comprehensive care, it wasn’t long before her personality transformed: Lilia went from a quiet and withdrawn toddler to an exuberant, curious explorer, babbling, expressing herself with a variety of sounds, and engaging with others like any child her age.

Lilia is now a healthy five-year-old, with the same cheerful attitude and boundless energy. Her progress is the result of care at every level, from surgery to speech therapy to ongoing support at home—but it’s also evidence that small, sustained interventions throughout it all can make a meaningful difference.

Lilia at age 1, before surgery, and at age 5, 4 years post-surgery

Cleft Conditions: A Global Problem

Since 1982, Operation Smile has provided cleft lip and cleft palate surgeries to more than 500,000 patients worldwide with the help of generous volunteers and donors. Cleft conditions are congenital conditions, meaning they are present at birth. With cleft lip and palate, the lip or the roof of the mouth do not form fully during fetal development. Cleft conditions put children at risk for malnutrition and poor weight gain, since their facial structure can make feeding challenging. But cleft conditions can have an enormous social impact as well: Common difficulties with speech can leave kids socially isolated and unable to meet the same developmental milestones as their peers.

Surgery is a vital step in treating cleft conditions, but it’s also just one part of a much larger solution. Organizations like Operation Smile emphasize the importance of multi-disciplinary teams that provide comprehensive, long-term care to patients across many years. This approach, which includes oral care, speech therapy, nutritional support, and psychosocial care, not only aids in physical recovery from surgery but also helps children develop the skills and confidence to eat easily, speak clearly, and engage in everyday life. This ensures that each patient receives the full range of support they need to thrive.

Marie, 11 months, with her mother at Operation Smile Madagascar before her cleft surgery (Operation Smile Photos)

A Playful (and Powerful) Solution

Throughout a patient’s care, simple tools like bubbles can play a meaningful role from start to finish.

Immediately before surgery, children are often in a new and unfamiliar environment far from home, some of them experiencing a hospital setting for the first time. When care providers or loved ones blow bubbles, it’s a simple yet effective technique: Not only are the children soothed and distracted, the bubbles also help create a sense of joy and playfulness that eases their anxiety.

Milagros Rojas, a volunteer speech therapist in Peru, using bubbles in a screening with a patient. (Operation Smile Photos)

In speech therapy, bubbles can take on an even more important role. Blowing bubbles requires controlled airflow, as well as the ability to form a rounded “O” shape with the lips, which are skills that children with cleft conditions may struggle to develop. Practicing these skills with bubbles allows children to gently strengthen their facial muscles, improve breath control, and support the motor skills needed for speech development. Beyond that, blowing bubbles can help kids connect with their parents or providers in a way that’s playful, comforting, and accessible even for very young patients.

Finally, bubbles often follow patients with cleft conditions home in the “smile bags” that each patient receives when the surgical procedure is finished. Smile bags, which help continue speech therapy outside of the hospital setting, can contain language enrichment booklets, a mirror, oxygen tubing, and bubbles. While regular practice with motor skills can help with physical recovery, small acts of play help as well, giving kids space to simply enjoy themselves and join in on what peers are able to do.

Bubbles at Home and Beyond

Today, because of Operation Smile’s dedication to comprehensive cleft care, Lilia is now able to make friends and speak clearly, all things that could have been difficult or impossible before. Instead of a childhood defined by limitation, Lilia—and others around the world—can look forward to a childhood filled with joy, learning, discovery, friends, and new possibilities.

CTA: Lilia’s life was changed for the better with the care she received through Operation Smile. Find out how you can make an impact in other children’s lives by visiting operationsmile.org today.

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Photo credit: Ester Wiesnerova, Canva – Ester and her mother Marina sing in the car.

Family, Moms

Mother with Alzheimer’s who lost her speech harmonizes with daughter in beautiful videos

“Music is how I communicate with my mom these days. I’ve never been more grateful for it.”

Cecily Knobler

5/18/2026

Like for many of us, having connected moments with her mother are timeless and special for musician Ester Wiesnerova. She’s incredibly vulnerable about her mom (whose real name is Maria but is mostly referred to as Marina) and her Alzheimer’s diagnosis. The disease moves bit by bit, fading her memory and ability to find words. But in a silver-lined twist, Wiesnerova found that she and mother are still able to bond through music.

In clips making the rounds on social media, Wiesnerova shares moments where she is able to harmonize with her mom through various songs. At the top of one of her videos, she notes, “The power of music is incredible.” One look at these clips, and it’s clear that’s true.

In an Instagram Reel posted on Mother’s Day, we see the pair joyfully singing in a car. The chyron across the clip reads, “Alzheimer’s took her words. But she still sings a full chorus – by heart in her second language in harmony with me.” As they lean in, each with sunglasses atop their heads, they smile while crooning “Guantanamera” in Spanish. (The song, with lyrics by Cuban poet José Martí, is a patriotic folk tune celebrating the “people.”)

Wiesnerova comments, “Music is how I communicate with my mom these days. I’ve never been more grateful for it.” So many in the comment section agree, with one even claiming, “This is the most beautiful video ever.” Another notes how Marina seems lit up by the music: “Her eyes are sparkling.”

In a second Instagram clip marked “Part 2,” Wiesnerova ups the ante. The chyron reads, “Alzheimer’s took my mom’s words. But she still sings. In harmony. In a foreign language.” This time the two sing the traditional Hebrew song “Hava Nagila.” She writes, “I’m starting a song. Will she join in?”

After just a few seconds, a text pops up on the video: “It worked! Wait to hear her sing gorgeous harmonies. So nice to hear her voice again.” She then asks Marina if “she wants to harmonize.” Indeed, she does. Wiesnerova gives her mother the starting pitch, and once again, pure glee spreads across both of their faces. She writes, “Finding a way to connect with her and smile means so much.”

Neuropsychology researchers continue to find the special link between dementia and music. In a piece posted to the Northwestern Medicine site, they quote neurologist Borna Bonakdarpour, MD, who they state “combines his love of music with research on how musical intervention affects the brain of people with dementia.”

Bonakdarpour shares, “When we use musical intervention, we’re looking for areas and networks in the brain that are intact to serve as bridges and help the areas that are not working well. Singing, for example, can be a bridge to communicating better through language. The rhythmic nature of music can help people walk better.”

This can be equally beneficial for caregivers and family members. He states, “People with Alzheimer’s may come alive again when they hear music. Some start dancing alone or with their caregivers, which is a very big deal. Caregivers find the person lost to them in the context of music.”

Anna Maria Matziorinis and Stefan Koelsch of the Department of Biological and Medical Psychology, University of Bergen in Bergen, Norway, co-authored a 2022 study entitled, “The Promise of Music Therapy for Alzheimer’s Disease.” In it, they also note how important music can be for these patients, writing, “Musical memory is partially spared in patients with AD, despite severe deficits in episodic (and partly semantic) memory. AD patients can learn new songs, encode novel verbal information, and react emotionally to music.”

Upworthy had the chance to chat with Wiesnerova about the lovely bond she maintains with her mom. She shares that it was in early 2023 when she got her diagnosis. “Singing and playing the piano together is something that was always very natural for us—that’s what we did together. She was a piano teacher and songwriter her whole life, I’m a singer and composer. When she got diagnosed, we just kept doing what we always did together. First she would play and I would sing.”

Marina Wiesnerova and sunflowers. Photo Credit: Ester Wiesnerova

She explained that even as Marina’s ability to speak was fading, she still maintains the power of music. “Even as her capacity to speak and understand language was going down, her musical abilities very much stayed. She even responds to verbal cues as long as they’re music-related. Like if I say, sing quieter, articulate more, or harmonize with me, she usually does it. But then if I ask her where she is right now or what my name is, she doesn’t respond. It’s fascinating.”

As for their relationship, they’ve always been close. “My whole life we’ve been very close—true best friends. We shared everything. She was also the only person in my family who encouraged my music career. Slowly losing her to the illness has been very difficult, as I was slowly adjusting to this new version of her and learning to love who she is now. And learning to find my ground when the person who grounded me is slowly disappearing. I am writing an album about this process to be released next year.”

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Photo credit: Canva – A man lying in bed in a state of grief.

Family, Moms

Man’s raw truth about why he hasn’t gotten over his mom’s death hits home: ‘I don’t want to.’

His mother raised him alone on a secretary’s salary.

Annie Reneau

5/18/2026

Losing a loved one is arguably one of the hardest human experiences, but also one of the most universal. Few of us will go through life untouched by grief, but some losses hit harder than others, even when we know they are coming. For instance, most people expect their parents will die before they do, but that doesn’t make the loss any easier when it happens.

One man’s raw embrace of grief after losing his mother is resonating with people everywhere.

“You said you’re a middle-aged man who hasn’t gotten over the loss of his mother,” Steven Bartlett, host of The Diary of a CEO podcast, said to guest Scott Galloway, a New York University marketing professor. “Is there a way to?”

“I don’t want to,” replied Galloway, wiping away his tears.

Grief isn’t a bug, but a feature

“I think the receipts for love is grief,” Galloway said. “I hope my boys feel the same way about me. It hasn’t gotten in the way of my life. It makes me be more bold with my emotions. I used to see it as a problem. I went to grief counseling. Now I see it not as a bug, but as a feature. And so what I would tell every young person is I hope they have a lot of joy in their life. I also hope they have a decent amount of grief, because that means they have people they love immensely.”

“You can never tell your parents how much you love them too much,” he continued. “Forgive them, and…my mom died slowly, which was bad for her, but it was good for me because nothing went unsaid. I miss my mom terribly. I’m a middle-aged man who hasn’t gotten over the death of his mother. Light of my life. Raised me on her own. Secretary’s salary. Gave me confidence. Everything.”

Do we really need to “get past” the loss of a loved one?

Galloway’s honesty about not wanting to get over his mom’s death hit home for a lot of people. So often, grief gets treated as a problem to fix, rather than an integral part of the human experience. Counseling can help when grief interferes with someone’s daily life, of course. But the idea that we need to “get over” or “get past” the loss of a loved one doesn’t make sense for a lot of people, as evidenced by the Instagram comments:

“Profound grief has not hindered my life. I welcome the tears. Heart forever broken but still beating.”

“My mom passed away 10 years ago and the pain can be unbearable. This is a beautiful way to frame this as ‘Receipts for love is Grief’ 🥹 I needed to hear this 🙏🏾 Thanks for sharing Scott.”

“Lost my mum 3 years ago and miss her everyday – the reason the way I am is because of her and I can never thank her enough – single mother warrior queen. ❤️”

“Exactly what I say when people tell me I need to get over losing my mom 🥹❤️ thank you.”

Grief can last a lifetime. Photo credit: Canva

“I’ve never ever gotten over my mother passing nor will I ever and I am pleased to watch this video as I know I’m not alone. 💔”

“We need more of this type of conversation – BE BOLD WITH YOUR EMOTIONS! ♥️ People run away and hide from grief, pain and the uncomfortable – grief really is the receipts for LOVE ❤️ Grief doesn’t need fixing, just honour 🤍”

“I wonder at what point did humanity veer so off course that we started seeing grief as a problem. Thank you for this conversation! Grief is here because love was here first! ❤️”

“Grief is healthy. And we’re not supposed to ‘get over’ the loss of loved ones, in my opinion, we learn to love them and honor them differently.”

“This is exactly how I feel about my dad. What a beautiful way of looking at grief.”

Grief is evidence of love, and in Galloway’s case, the evidence clearly speaks for itself. What a beautiful tribute to his mother and a relatable approach to processing a profound loss.

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Photo credit: via Canva and Tod Perry – A confused child and a toilet with artwork.

Family, Parenting

Mom draws all over her toilet to teach her kids a lesson on cleanliness

It may seem a little odd, but it’s pretty brilliant.

Tod Perry

5/18/2026

Teaching kids how to clean up after themselves is one of the hardest things to do as a parent…mainly because it’s difficult to make taking out the trash or washing the dishes exciting.

Jayne Ann Osborne, the creator behind MommingonPurpose, deserves love from parents everywhere because she took an incredibly icky chore, cleaning the toilet, and turned it into an activity her kids enjoyed. “Ready to teach your kids how to level up their toilet cleaning skills? You’re just a dry-erase marker game away!” Osborne opens her video.

To teach her kids how to clean the toilet, Osborne first disinfected it herself, so her young kids wouldn’t be exposed to any germs. Then, she drew all over it with a dry-erase marker that wipes off easily with a wet rag. She told her kids that all the marks on the toilet were germs and that they all had to be wiped away.

Mom has a fun way of teaching her kids to clean the toilet

“By scrubbing the dry-erase marker off, they are learning all the nooks and crannies of the toilet in a way that is fun, challenging, and memorable. Without the ick,” she captions the video.

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A post shared by Jayne Ann Osborne (@mommingonpurpose)

The dry-erase marker game works well because it teaches multiple lessons. Firstly, there are many hidden spots on a toilet that need cleaning and may not be noticed at first glance. Secondly, a toilet should be thoroughly cleaned because germs have many places to hide. After the job was complete, she gave her kids a prize depending on how well they wiped away all the evil germs.

Microscopic bacteria. Credit: TrueCreatives/Canva

Be careful when drawing on the lid

Osborne does have a big note for everyone who tries this at home: “Keep a little isopropyl alcohol handy in case the dry-erase marker scribbles leave anything behind.”

Editor’s note: I tried this on my own toilet, and it took a little soap and water to get the dry-erase marker off the plastic toilet lid. It doesn’t wipe down as easily as porcelain.

Someone cleaning a toilet. Credit: PixelShot/Canva

Shifrah Combiths, a writer at Apartment Therapy, tried the toilet game and made sure her children understood the importance of cleaning the entire bowl. “The kids were exuberant about wiping off the marker, and we had to make sure they didn’t scrub the toilet tank lid too hard. My husband was worried it might crack! I also let them discover and wipe down all the marker lines as they found them, but I made sure after they were done, to explain to them that when cleaning a dirty toilet for real, it’s very important to start with the cleanest areas on the toilet and then work their way to the dirtiest. Of course, this only teaches them about the outside and lid of the toilet and not the bowl, but it’s still a useful lesson,” Combiths wrote.

Combiths also had a little difficulty getting the marker off the toilet lid. “The marker wiped perfectly clean from the porcelain surfaces of the toilet, but left marks behind on the plastic lid. Osborne recommends using isopropyl alcohol if this happens, and a Magic Eraser got most of it off in our case,” she wrote.

Osborne’s toilet-cleaning hack is a great way to teach kids how to clean one of the dirtiest and trickiest parts of the house, but she also has a great lesson for parents. With a little creativity and a sense of humor, just about anything can be made to be fun, even cleaning the toilet.

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"My anxiety could not have handled the 80s."

Family, Parenting

Millennial mom is stunned when grandma compares parenting in the 80s to now

Taylor Wolfe couldn’t believe her mom slept soundly without any kind of baby monitor.

Heather Wake

Upworthy Staff

5/17/2026

Raising kids is tough no matter what generation you fall into, but it’s hard to deny that there was something much simpler about the childrearing days of yesteryear, before the internet offered a million and one ways that parents could be, and probably are, doing it all very, very wrong.

What’s especially fascinating is that our data and best-practices have gotten so much better over time. Parents in the 80s had no idea that crib bumpers were dangerous, just like their parents didn’t know that using whiskey as a sleep aid probably wasn’t the best idea! We know better, and yet, we’re burdened by the overwhelming amount of knowledge and potential dangers around us.

Taylor Wolfe, a millennial mom, nails this conundrum perfectly as she asks her own mother a series of rapid-fire questions about raising her during the 80s and the stark contrast in attitudes becomes blatantly apparent.

The conversation that hit a collective nerve

In a clip posted on TikTok, Wolfe and her mom sit side by side on the couch and have a fascinating discussion.

First off, Wolfe can’t comprehend how her mom survived without being able to Google everything. (Not even a parent, but I feel this.)

“What did we have to Google?” her mom asks while shaking her head incredulously.

“Everything! For starters, poop!” Wolfe says. “Cause you have to know if the color is an okay color, if it’s healthy!”

“I was a nursing mom, so if the poop came out green, it was because I ate broccoli,” her mom responds.

…Okay, fair point. But what about handy gadgets like baby monitors? How did Wolfe’s mom keep her kid alive without one?

“I was the monitor, going in and feeling you,” she says. Wolfe asked her mom how she slept without a baby monitor and knowing for certain, at every instant, that she was safe? “We just slept” her mom deadpanned.

Her mom’s answers are something else entirely

Could it really be that easy? It was for Wolfe’s mom, apparently. Rather than relying on technology, she simply felt her child and adjusted accordingly.

“If you were hot, you slept in a diaper. If you were cold, you had a blanket around you.” Done and done.

Wolfe then got into more existential questions, asking her mom if she ever felt the stress of “only having 18 summers” with her child, and how to make the most of it.

Without missing a beat, Wolfe’s mother says, “It’s summer, I still have you.”

Cue the tears!

Going by Wolfe’s mom, the 80s seems like a time with much less pressure on parents.

From feeding her kids McDonald’s fries guilt-free to being spared the judgment of internet trolls, she just sort of did the thing without worrying so much if she was doing it correctly.

Parents today are feeling it too

That’s nearly impossible in today’s world, as many viewers commented.

“Google just gives us too much information and it scares us,” one person quipped.

Another seconded, “I swear social media has made me wayyyy more of an anxious mom.”

“it’s almost like all the technology, and it’s advertising, leads to so much unnecessary anxiety” someone added.

Even a professional noted: “As someone who has worked in pediatrics since the 80s, the parents are way more anxious now.”

It’s no wonder that parents’ mental health is, collectively, in the toilet. We’re more stressed today about money, work-life balance, getting into good schools, signing up for activities that gobble up all our time… everything.

So what can modern parents actually do?

Experts say there are ways parents can manage the stresses of modern life, though. Reducing phone and social media use, for starters, is a good way to avoid ruminating on all the potential dangers of the world. Parents are also challenged to push themselves out of their comfort zone by allowing their child more freedom and independence than they’d normally be comfortable with. For example, letting your kids walk to school or go buy something from a store without your help.

I don’t think anyone truly wants to go back in time, per se. But many of us are yearning to bring more of this bygone mindset into the modern day. And the big takeaway here: No matter how many improvements we make to life, if the cost is our mental state, then perhaps it’s time to swing the pendulum back a bit.

This article originally appeared three years ago. It has been updated.

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Photo credit: Canva – A young woman blows out her birthday candles, left, and a birthday cake, right.

Family, Moms

Mom shares 19 gems of knowledge for her daughter’s 19th birthday

Every young woman should hear these.

Cecily Knobler

5/14/2026
A woman who uses the Instagram handle Hope with Holly often makes videos in which she imparts wisdom from her own experiences. She’s candid in her discussions about feminism, marriage, divorce, finding courage, and much more. So when her daughter turned 19, it seemed like the perfect time to share 19 pieces of advice for a better life.

In a Reel dedicated to her daughter, she lays it all out with precision and love. Casually putting her hair in a ponytail while slicing a watermelon—and later placing strawberries on a white-frosted birthday cake—she looks straight into the camera and declares, “This is what all women should know by the time they turn 19.”
1. You are not here to be chosen. You are here to choose.
  “And if you build your life around being picked, then you will tolerate things that you should walk away from.”
2. Your ability to earn money will determine your freedom.
  “Love matters. But money determines if you can leave if it turns unhealthy.”
3. Attraction is not a sign of safety.
  “Your nervous system can be drawn to chaos. It’s not a sign of safety. Know the difference.”
4. A man’s potential is irrelevant. His patterns are everything.
  “Only patterns matter. Patterns are who he is.”
5. Chemistry can lie. Character doesn’t.
  “Butterflies are often anxiety. And peace often feels like boredom. But it’s what lasts.”
6. If he can’t regulate his emotions, he will regulate them through you.
  “That means control, blame, withdrawal, anger, or defensiveness. Don’t let that happen.”
7. You cannot love someone into being healthy.
  “Love does not fix trauma. Only therapy, accountability, and effort do.”
8. Marriage will not fix a relationship.
  “It will amplify whatever’s there, whether it’s good or bad.”
9. Children will expose a relationship, not save it.
  “They do not bring you closer. They just expose what’s already broken…or strong.”
10. Your standards will cost you relationships—and that’s the point.
11. Loneliness is not an emergency.
  “Rushing to fill it is how you end up in the wrong life.”
12. A man who wants you will pursue you with clarity.
  “If you feel confused about him, that’s your answer. Walk away.”
13. Sex is not a currency for love.
  “Instead, it’s the byproduct of a healthy relationship—and an emotionally safe relationship.”
14. Your body will change. Your value does not.
  “Anyone who ties your worth to your youth is not a safe person.”
15. Pay attention to how he handles the word “no.”
  “That will tell you everything you need to know about him.”
16. You teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate.
  “Boundaries are not words. They’re decisions. Enforce them.”
17. Healing is your responsibility.
  “What happened to you was not your fault. But what you allow to continue is your responsibility.”
18. Build a life that you do not need to escape from.
  “Then choose a partner who enhances it.”
19. You are allowed to want more.
  “More respect. More peace. Settling is not maturity. It’s just fear dressed up as acceptance.”
She adds, “Now I don’t need you to be perfect, girl. But I do need you to be powerful enough to walk away from anything that’s not perfect for you. Happy birthday, honey!”

The comment section is filled with support, especially from people who say they wish they’d learned these lessons earlier.

“I can only imagine how different my life would have looked had I heard this narrative by 19. Learning all this by 39. Better late than never. Thanks, mama.”

Some are also highly focused on her decorating and baking skills: “Now let me watch this again but this time without getting highly distracted by all the layers of that awesome fruit tower.”

And one 19-year-old was especially grateful, writing, “I turned 19 two months ago, seeing every woman wishing they heard these when they were younger, I would like thank you so much that you reached me in the right time 🙂 Happy birthday to your daughter and wishing your family the best 💛”
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Photo credit: Canva Photos
A woman preparing meals, left, and a child eating broccoli, right.

Family, Parenting

Nutrition expert demonstrates foolproof method to get her picky kids to ‘eat anything’

Picky eating is often all about independence.

Evan Porter

5/14/2026

Picky eaters are a huge challenge for many parents, even though it’s considered a normal developmental stage. Harvard Health Publishing writes that young children being picky about food is one way they learn to assert their independence, for example.

Even though it’s extremely common and normal, experts also recommend that parents start early to break picky eating habits; once those habits get locked into place, they’re even tougher to break. Which is just one more thing for overloaded parents to worry about when planning meals is already difficult enough.

One well-qualified mom demonstrates her thoughtful technique for getting picky eaters to “eat anything”

Fitness coach Mel Avan, who has taught university-level health, wellness, and nutrition courses, has developed a method. It involves a lot of trial and error while raising a picky eater of her very own.

Picky eating is a challenge as old as parenting itself. Photo credit: Canva

In a video posted to YouTube, she not only explains the technique, but also demonstrates it in real time as she attempts to feed her skeptical son a noodle.

It starts with creating a little scarcity. She’s not overly animated about it, but she subtly creates the mystique that the pasta is something of a treat. “Come try this,” she says. “You can only have one piece.”

Then, she stays completely neutral. She doesn’t hype up how good it is or rave about how healthy it might be. Her son says it looks like a noodle. She agrees stoically. “It is a noodle.”

Then she, in her words, shuts up. “I let him lead the interaction. I ask questions, but I don’t share my opinion or give praise.” Not even to applaud him for being willing to try it.

Finally, she waits. Sure enough, a few minutes later, her son announces he’s hungry and that he “wants the pasta.”

Mission accomplished.

She elaborates in the caption that the entire thing hinges on decreasing pressure. A small portion lowers pressure. A neutral tone lowers pressure. A slow pace lowers pressure. And allowing the child to come to you when they want more makes it their idea to eat the food, rather than a way of appeasing you. Again, pressure.

Mom gets challenged to repeat the demonstration under more difficult circumstances

While the video went viral to the tune of more than a million views, and many viewers loved the technique on display, not everyone was satisfied.

This being the Internet, it was only a matter of time before Avan got called out and challenged: A noodle? Really? Try a piece of broccoli or some spinach.

She accepted the challenge and, in a follow-up video on Instagram, introduced a few new techniques for more challenging foods that still fit within her core philosophy.

First, she introduces an element of choice. “Do you want me to serve your vegetables, or do you want to do it with the tongs?”

Next, and once again, tiny portions. A heaping pile of something they’re skeptical about eating only makes the task more overwhelming.

Then there’s one of her more unique tactics: serving food family-style. In this case, she made her son a plate with a small amount of veggies, but also offered the entire tray at the table, where he could easily grab more with a “fun utensil.” It’s a way of giving him control.

And finally, finding even more opportunities for autonomy and control. Since picky eating is often about independence, she lets her son control things that aren’t as important, like where the ketchup goes on his plate.

Mom, and experts, weigh in on “Eat what I made or don’t eat”

In another follow-up video, Avan responds to comments suggesting that she was doing too much coddling and manipulating. Instead, some old-school parents favor the “Either you eat what I made, or you don’t eat” approach.

Avan says that, in her personal experience, this approach backfired spectacularly. When kids don’t eat, not only is it unsafe and unhealthy, but you’ll also run into a host of behavior problems as they get crankier.

At least one study has found that putting pressure on children to eat, or to eat more, can actually have the opposite effect: “Children consumed significantly more food when they were not pressured to eat and they made overwhelmingly fewer negative comments.”

And if things aren’t going well, research cited by Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia says you shouldn’t give up: It can take eight to 15 exposures to a new food before a child will willingly accept it.

The old-school parents of yesteryear got a lot more right than we’re often willing to give them credit for. However, our understanding of child psychology has grown by leaps and bounds, and clinically validated research can teach us a lot about how to handle challenges like picky eating. Lowering pressure instead of increasing it, and remaining neutral rather than excited or angry, is far more effective.

But in the end, picky eating is normal for young kids, and as long as you make a solid effort, most eventually grow out of the phase.

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As a parent, it's not always easy to know how to react in the moment.

Family, Parenting

His daughter crashed on a skate ramp, and his response was a masterclass in awesome parenting

He perfectly balanced empathy, encouragement, and empowerment.

Annie Reneau

Upworthy Staff

5/14/2026

As a parent, it’s not always easy to know how to help your kids learn from life experiences. Some lessons they learn naturally and others they learn through parental guidance, but discerning which is which and how those things overlap can be challenging.

Kids don’t come with instruction manuals, of course, but sometimes we see examples of great parenting we can point to and say, “AHA! That’s how it’s done.”

One such example comes from a dad named Robert. Back in 2022, he was teaching his then-5-year-old daughter Aubrin to skateboard and set up a mini half pipe for her to learn on. In a video on Instagram, Robert shared an exchange he had with Aubrin after she crashed hard on the ramp during a lesson.

Watch:

What happened after she fell is the real story

It’s a sweet video that doubles as a masterclass in effective parenting. Robert communicates with a perfect blend of empathy, encouragement, and empowerment, which gives his daughter exactly what she needs to tackle her fears and persevere in what she wants to do.

Even his initial question after she fell, “Did it scare you or did it hurt you?” is helpful for making her more aware of what she’s actually feeling as well as knowing how best to help her.

Seeing this gentle parenting scenario play out is just so heartwarming. (And if Aubrin’s voice sounds familiar, you may have seen the viral “stuck-asaurus” video in which she offered delightfully colorful commentary while snowboarding in a dinosaur suit.)

Here is what was going through his mind

Robert explained his thinking behind the way he responded to Aubrin’s fall:

“Trying something new can be scary but re-trying something after slamming can be terrifying.

I had to re-gain her trust and she needed to re-establish her confidence after this slam and it was a tough but beautiful rollercoaster experience.

This is one of the biggest psychological battles we face as humans, because once that negative experience has made its home in our brain it’s very hard to get it out.

I know from intense personal experience that a bad fall can have long lasting [psychological] effects and truly believe, that when possible, it’s best to get back up and try it again with the goal being to end the session with a positive experience; to not have that negative memory ruminating in your head until the next time you return to try.

I’ve been asked a lot ‘How do you know what to say in these moments?’ and the truth is I absolutely don’t know what to say.

Seeing her slam sucks the air out of my lungs and my heart drops but I just try to stay calm and redirect with some questions or comments while surveying the situation. A parent’s emotions (depending on how you instinctively react) will oftentimes influence the child’s emotional response and it’s my goal to remove my influence and allow her to just be, to feel, to hurt at her pace and it allows me to get a better reading of how she’s truly feeling in these pivotal moments.

Ultimately I just respond from the heart. If you calmly lead with empathy and support without applying pressure you’ll do just fine.”

Beautiful insight and advice. Unfortunately, many parents are raising kids while working through wounds from their own childhoods, and when you’re battling parental instincts that aren’t particularly healthy or helpful, having it all laid out like this is really valuable.

The comments showed just how much this resonated

Commenters on Instagram and Reddit have expressed how much they appreciate seeing supportive parenting in action.

“I actually got emotional watching this…” wrote one person. “I am learning so much from your posts!!! As someone whose parents led from a place of fear a lot of the time, this is showing me so much possibility of what the opposite can look like. Thank you for being so open, we are all made the better from it.”

Parents often set the tone for how kids react. Photo credit: Canva

“I wish I had a dad like you growing up. She’s so lucky,” wrote another.

“Made me smile and also as a grown ass man, gave me watery eyes – as someone that never had this kind of treatment growing up and kind of needed it – this is the kind of dad I will be if I ever meet someone and have kids,” shared another.

Whether we were raised by gentle, supportive parents or the opposite, we can all recognize effective parenting when we see it. Thank you, Robert, for sharing such a stellar example we can all watch and learn from.

You can follow Robert and Aubrin’s ongoing family adventures on Instagram (@chasing.sage).

This article originally appeared four years ago. It has been updated.

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Photo credit: Image courtesy of @granolabarpan/Instagram (with permission) – Stay-at-home mom Catrina shares shock at learning what the 'heavy' setting on her washer means.

Family, Home Life

Mom realizes she’s been using the ‘heavy’ setting on her washer wrong for years—and fellow moms are shook

“Today years old when I realize why my blankets are sopping wet.”

Emily Shiffer

Upworthy Staff

5/13/2026

Knocking out loads of laundry is a feeling of accomplishment that is unmatched. Depending on what needs to be washed, washing machines offer a variety of settings for the ideal clean. But even the most seasoned laundry pros can admit that they don’t fully understand how to use them properly.

One mom’s washing machine mistake went viral

One stay-at-home mom shared her funny and relatable washing machine mistake. Catrina (@granolabarpan) got the shock of a lifetime when she realized that she had been using the “heavy” setting on her washer wrong for years.

“POV: today years old when it clicks why my blankets are sopping wet!!! I thought HEAVY meant heavy items being washed,” she wrote in the video’s overlay.

“Heavy on my machine means heavily soiled,” she went on to add in the comments. “I thought it meant the stuff I was putting in the machine was heavy in weight/pounds.”

Some moms are also realizing this for the first time. “Ok.. so I am 66 years old learning this???!! I always thought that heavy meant weight also ,” one person commented. Another person wrote, “Well I was today years old when I learned what heavy meant too… “

Turns out, a lot of us have been confused

Others expressed confusion with so many settings, and reminiscing on simpler times. “Wait a minute. . I think I need to for once go and read the manual because I have been wondering about all of the options,” another user wrote. And another chimed in, “I want my old $250 3 options hot/warm/cold on/off washer back. It didn’t die it rusted out but took 25yrs to do it. I had 5 kids, plus my ex in-laws living with me.”

Struggling to understand the settings on your washing machine? You’re not alone.

“Knowing these settings helps avoid common laundry mistakes, such as using the heavy cycle for heavy fabric weight instead of heavy soil, which can lead to ineffective cleaning or damage over time,” Vanessa Ruiz, a professional organizer at Sparkly Maid San Antonio, tells Upworthy.

Washing machine settings explained

These are five washing machine settings and how they work:

1. Normal/Regular Cycle

Ruiz explains that this is your typical setting for day-to-day loads such as t-shirts, jeans, sheets, and underwear.

“These laundry loads are typically washed in warm water and the setting is rinsed with medium spin speeds through agitation in order to properly clean moderately soiled garments,” she says. “This cycle is safe enough to wash a variety of different fabric content with a somewhat dirty load.”

2. Delicate/Gentle Cycle

Ruiz notes that the delicate cycle is created specifically for delicate fabrics—lingerie, silk, lace, or embellished clothing—that may become damaged in a normal or regular wash.

“This cycle will use moderate spin speeds through gentle agitation to thoroughly dry clean and not damage clothes too easily,” says Ruiz. “This is the preferred cycle when laundry items that require extra care or are labeled ‘delicate’ or ‘hand wash’ need to be washed.”

3. Heavy Duty Cycle

The heavy duty cycle is specifically for heavily soiled items like work clothes, kitchen towels, and bedding.

“This setting uses higher water temperatures, longer wash times, and powerful agitation to remove stubborn dirt and grime. It’s perfect for those tough laundry jobs, but not recommended for delicate fabrics,” explains Ruiz.

4. Bulky/Bedding Cycle

This cycle is often confused with “heavy.”

“This cycle accommodates larger, heavier items that absorb a lot of water, such as comforters, pillows, and sleeping bags,” says Ruiz. “It uses more water, medium spin speeds, and longer wash times to thoroughly clean bulky items without causing damage or imbalance.”

5. Quick Wash

In a rush? This is the perfect setting to use.

“It is an accelerated wash cycle designed for small loads of lightly soiled clothes, usually lasting 15 to 40 minutes,” says Ruiz. “It’s great for when you need clean clothes fast and can save energy compared to longer cycles.”

Mystery solved

So the next time your blankets come out of the wash sopping wet, or your delicates come out looking worse for wear, you’ll know exactly where things went wrong. A little knowledge about what each cycle actually does can save you time, energy, and a lot of unnecessary re-washing. And honestly, if you’ve been doing it wrong for years? You’re in very good company.

This article originally appeared one year ago. It has been updated.

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