+
upworthy

stigma

This article originally appeared on 11.21.16


Photographer Katie Joy Crawford had been battling anxiety for 10 years when she decided to face it straight on by turning the camera lens on herself.

In 2015, Upworthy shared Crawford's self-portraits and our readers responded with tons of empathy. One person said, "What a wonderful way to express what words cannot." Another reader added, "I think she hit the nail right on the head. It's like a constant battle with yourself. I often feel my emotions battling each other."

So we wanted to go back and talk to the photographer directly about this soul-baring project.


It was Crawford's senior year in college. She decided to make herself the central subject of her thesis. She became determined to realistically capture the crippling effects of her anxiety with her "My Anxious Heart" photo series.

"I just firmly believe that the stigma with mental illness needs to be eliminated," Crawford says.

She hopes the series will help others who may be struggling with anxiety. She wants people to know they're not alone.

These haunting photos are also meant to encourage those suffering with anxiety to reach out to others who perhaps don't understand what anxiety feels like. The more we can understand each other, the more we can help each other out.

Here again are Crawford's 12 poignant self-portraits and captions that show what anxiety feels like for her:

1. "They keep telling me to breathe. I can feel my chest moving up and down. Up and down. Up and down. But why does it feel like I'm suffocating? I hold my hand under my nose, making sure there is air. I still can't breathe."

All images by Katie Joy Crawford, featured with permission.

2. "My head is filling with helium. Focus is fading. Such a small decision to make. Such an easy question to answer. My mind isn't letting me. It's like a thousand circuits are all crossing at once."

3. "It's strange — in the pit of your stomach. It's like when you're swimming and you want to put your feet down but the water is deeper than you thought. You can't touch the bottom and your heart skips a beat."

4. "You were created for me and by me. You were created for my seclusion. You were created by venomous defense. You are made of fear and lies. Fear of unrequited promises and losing trust so seldom given. You've been forming my entire life. Stronger and stronger."

5. "A glass of water isn't heavy. It's almost mindless when you have to pick one up. But what if you couldn't empty it or set it down? What if you had to support its weight for days … months … years? The weight doesn't change, but the burden does. At a certain point, you can't remember how light it used to seem. Sometimes it takes everything in you to pretend it isn't there. And sometimes, you just have to let it fall."

6. "A captive of my own mind. The instigator of my own thoughts. The more I think, the worse it gets. The less I think, the worse it gets. Breathe. Just breathe. Drift. It'll ease soon."

7. "I'm afraid to live and i'm afraid to die. What a way to exist."

8. "I was scared of sleeping. I felt the most raw panic in complete darkness. Actually, complete darkness wasn't scary. It was that little bit of light that would cast a shadow — a terrifying shadow."

9. "No matter how much I resist, it'll always be right here desperate to hold me, cover me, break down with me. Each day I fight it, “You're not good for me and you never will be." But there it is waiting for me when I wake up and eager to hold me as I sleep. It takes my breath away. It leaves me speechless."

10. "Depression is when you can't feel at all. Anxiety is when you feel too much. Having both is a constant war within your own mind. Having both means never winning."

11. "Cuts so deep it's like they're never going to heal. Pain so real, it's almost unbearable. I've become this … this cut, this wound. All I know is this same pain; sharp breath, empty eyes, shaky hands. If it's so painful, why let it continue? Unless … maybe it's all that you know."

12. "Numb feeling. How oxymoronic. How fitting. Can you actually feel numb? Or is it the inability to feel? Am I so used to being numb that i've equated it to an actual feeling?"

"I've had a lot of people say that my photographs are too beautiful for what anxiety actually is. That's OK to feel that way, I think they are too! I didn't set out to make it look like the monster I felt," Crawford says. "I wanted clean and simple explanations. I wanted them to almost look numbing, because that's where I was."

Crawford goes to therapy once a week. And she's not ashamed of that. She's also not ashamed to admit that she sits in her car each time, deciding whether she'll attend her appointment or not.

She ultimately does go in and feels better every time. "It's like this thing you've been battling alone is finally being defeated in some way," Crawford says.

The process of creating these deeply literal photographs helped Crawford identify her fear and figure out what led to her anxiety attacks. Although she didn't realize it at the time, she was developing new coping skills even while shooting these self-portraits.

It's important to understand that everyone is struggling with something. We're never alone, no matter how lonely we feel.

"Get help. Always get help," Crawford says. "There are so many resources out there. There is no reason to be ashamed that you need help. If mental illness was treated like physical illness, there would be no more stigma."

By putting her struggles with anxiety out there for the world to see, Crawford is able to help others. She says that feeling alone has changed the way she lives her life.

Warning: Suicide is discussed in this article.

Photo by Jemal Countess/Getty Images for Hearst.


Ginger Zee, chief meteorologist at ABC News, knows most viewers only see her through her done-up, smiley, scripted appearances on "Good Morning America." Her new book aims to change that.

“This is the anti-Instagram book,” the on-air personality told People magazine, noting it won't present her life story in a polished, picture-perfect way. "I’m so worried, because there’s still a part of me thinking, 'Oh gosh, this is a lot to tell people.'"

In her book, "Natural Disaster: I Cover Them. I Am One," the 36-year-old opens up about her battles with mental illness going back several years.

Zee was 21 years old, fresh out of college, and living with a former boyfriend when she attempted suicide.

Fortunately, the amount and combination of drugs she swallowed wasn't lethal. After being admitted to the hospital, however, she was diagnosed with depression.

Photo by Ilya S. Savenok/Getty Images for Women's Health Magazine.

“I’d lost all hope,” Zee told People. “I just shut down. [Life] wasn’t worth living. I was wasting people’s time and space.”

In retrospect, Zee attributes her suicide attempt at least in part to being newly diagnosed with narcolepsy and ill-prepared to handle a medication's powerful effects; her senses had been heightened — emotional highs were very high, and emotional lows were very low.

Regardless, her mental health desperately needed to be addressed. As depression is one of the most common types of mental illness, Zee understood she wasn't alone. In 2015, about 16.1 million American adults experienced at least one major depressive episode in the past year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.

As the Mayo Clinic pointed out, there are various medical reasons why people experience depression, from a person's genetic makeup to brain chemistry and hormonal imbalances. External factors like stress and trauma can also contribute, research has found.

"It’s scary, the way your mind can overpower what is real and what is right," Zee said. "Now as a mother, to think that that could be my child? That is frightening.”

Zee (right) and her husband, Ben Aaron. Photo by Paul Zimmerman/Getty Images for Women's Health.

Zee's life with depression has been an ongoing journey. In 2011, 10 days before starting her lucrative new gig at ABC News, Zee checked herself into a medical facility in New York City, sensing her mental health was spiraling. She didn't want her career and personal life to suffer.

“I realize, too, that just because I’ve been in a good place for six years and I’ve gotten myself to a much healthier mental state ... I don’t think that I’m cured,” Zee told People. “I don’t think anybody’s forever cured."

Now, she's decided to share her story so that others know the best thing they can do is express and address what they're feeling internally: "Being aware of [depression], sharing it, talking about it — this is where I hope that the healing happens.”

Need help? Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

Family

Before she became a Broadway great, Audra McDonald survived a suicide attempt.

Content warning: discussion of suicidal thoughts and actions.

Audra McDonald is one of the greatest performers of our time. Full stop.

A venerated actress, spellbinding singer, and consummate performer, McDonald is a six-time Tony Award winner, the most of any individual, and the only person to earn the coveted trophy in all four acting categories. To say nothing of her television and film roles and her resistance-ready Twitter account, this is a woman with some serious talent.

But like many great performers, McDonald's path to success wasn't easy.


[rebelmouse-image 19532363 dam="1" original_size="750x498" caption="McDonald, center, and the cast of "Shuffle Along, or, The Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed" perform onstage during the Tony Awards. Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images for Tony Awards Productions." expand=1]McDonald, center, and the cast of "Shuffle Along, or, The Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed" perform onstage during the Tony Awards. Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images for Tony Awards Productions.

The Broadway great joined Alec Baldwin on his podcast, "Here's The Thing," to talk about her rise to fame and the detour that almost ended it all.

McDonald grew up in Fresno, California, and started college at Juilliard, a world-renowned performing arts school, in New York in 1988. She chose to study classical music and operatic singing, hoping to also take classes in dance and drama too, but soon learned her intense course of study wouldn't allow for it.

"I felt lost, completely lost," she told Baldwin.

Her lack of fulfillment coupled with the pressure of being the young woman from her hometown who was supposed to "make it" weighed heavily on her. One night, it was all too much.

In the winter of her third year, McDonald slit her wrists. She quickly called the Student Affairs Director, who helped get her to Gracie Square Hospital, a psychiatric facility in the city. She noticed a few other Juilliard students there too.

"I was [at the hospital] for a month," she said. "They evaluated me and said, 'You're not going any time soon.'"

McDonald took a year off school to recuperate and later took on a role in "The Secret Garden." She returned to Juilliard and graduated in 1993. The rest, as they say, is history ... and awards from the president.

McDonald received the 2015 National Medal of Arts in September 2016. Photo by Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images.

McDonald's story reminds us depression is a monster that can be tamed, but not one that easily goes away.

Baldwin seemed surprised to learn of McDonald's depression, given the strength and confidence she has onstage. She credits that experience and her passion for art for helping her find joy and strength in dark moments.

"I realized I'm someone who suffers from depression but I learned in the years: A. how to deal with it, B. to find my joy, and C. to realize that like alcoholism, it's something you wake up every day and you say, 'Yeah that's still something I have to deal with.'"

McDonald and Neil Patrick Harris perform onstage at the Tony Awards. Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images for Tony Awards Productions.

That's why she's so transparent about her experience with suicide and living with mental illness.

She speaks freely about that time now, knowing it could save someone else's life. "I'm open about it because I think I'm a case of 'it gets better,'" she said.

In a fitting epilogue, Gracie Square Hospital stands right next to the OB-GYN practice McDonald attended while pregnant with her now-10-month-old daughter. The full-circle moment wasn't lost on her.

"Every time I passed it, there was a part of me just, you know, waddling down the street pregnant as can be some 29 years later. I felt such relief and joy and a sense of 'Yes, I get the big picture now.'"

[rebelmouse-image 19532366 dam="1" original_size="750x478" caption="McDonald and Norm Lewis join the cast to take a bow during the curtain call at "The Gershwins' Porgy and Bess" on opening night. Photo by Jemal Countess/Getty Images." expand=1]McDonald and Norm Lewis join the cast to take a bow during the curtain call at "The Gershwins' Porgy and Bess" on opening night. Photo by Jemal Countess/Getty Images.

Depression, suicidal ideation, and other mental health concerns can affect anyone, at any time. But there is hope.

If you or someone you care about is having a difficult time, it's OK to ask for help from a trusted friend, teacher, counselor, or your doctor. In an emergency, you can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 800-273-8255. There is help. There is hope.

Most Shared

Last year, Sia's manager did something really brave. It inspired her new video.

On June 8, Sia released the video for "Feel Me," an emotional new song with a powerful message in support of a great cause.

Sia is known for unique, visually captivating music videos. Her latest, for a new song called "Feel Me" is all that and important too.

Starring Zoe Saldana with narration by Julianne Moore, the video follows the impassioned journey of a mother-to-be who's just found out that she's HIV-positive.

The video — which was choreographed by Ryan Heffington (who also choreographed videos for "Chandelier," "Cheap Thrills," and "The Greatest") — is the stunning work of art the world has come to expect from Sia. But "Feel Me," and the cause it was made to support, has an important backstory.


The song was inspired by Sia's manager, David Russell, who came out publicly as HIV-positive in a 2016 interview.

Russell's diagnosis in 2002 inspired Sia to become more engaged in HIV-related activism. Over the course of the past 12 years, the two have worked together as manager and client — both watching the other grow in their own ways.

"I've been thrilled to witness Sia's reach grow further and further, all the while using her status as a person of influence for good," Russell writes in an email. "'Feel Me' is a gorgeous record and I'm so happy and proud to work with an artist as generous and open hearted as she is. She makes a difference."

Sia wrote in Billboard that Russell's "transformation of his shame into self acceptance has been magic to watch."

Photo courtesy of David Russell.

A lot has changed for the better since Russell first got his HIV-positive diagnosis.

That's due, in part, to efforts designed to fight HIV stigma — and messages like the one in Sia's "Feel Me" video.

[rebelmouse-image 19530225 dam="1" original_size="500x200" caption="GIF from "Feel Me" by Sia/YouTube." expand=1]GIF from "Feel Me" by Sia/YouTube.

"When I was diagnosed, it was only five or six years after the first round of anti-retrovirals were introduced so concepts like 'undetectable = non-transmission' or regimens like PrEP were either unavailable or not common knowledge," Russel writes. "I’d say the first five years of my living with HIV were at the tail end of the 'panic' years, and as a result I experienced a lot of negativity about my positive status."

Over the past five years or so, preventative treatments like PrEP and a fuller understanding of how and when the virus can be transmitted began making their way into common knowledge. As a result, HIV stigma has started to decline.

Sia during a 2016 concert. Photo by Stuart C. Wilson/Getty Images.

Proceeds from "Feel Me" sales and streams will go toward the #endHIV Campaign's efforts to develop an HIV vaccine.

While HIV isn't anywhere near the death sentence it was in the '80s and '90s, it's still a serious issue without a cure. Nearly 40,000 Americans were diagnosed with HIV in 2015, adding to the more than 1.1 million living with it in the U.S.

"While this is a diagnosis nobody looks forward to it can also be a blessing in disguise," Russell writes when asked what advice he'd offer someone newly diagnosed with the virus. And that's really what the video is about — the scary moment of diagnosis and the flood of emotions that come after.

"Finding out I’m positive led me to look closer at my relationships, my health — both physically and mentally — and challenged me to live my life in the present.  We’ve made such enormous advances medically that anyone diagnosed in 2017 can expect to live a normal life with regular check-ups and adherence to medication."

"Feel Me" is now available on all major streaming and digital platforms. For more information about the #endHIV Campaign, visit the group's website.