upworthy

responsibility

Photo from Heidi Johnson Facebook page.

Tough love.

Heidi Johnson's son was 13, deeply in adolescence, and in that stage where he lashes out. He told her he shouldn't have to deal with her rules and should be independent. So she wrote a strict but loving "Mom's not a fool" letter. She wrote on Facebook how her son reacted to the letter:

"He came home, saw the note, crumpled it on the floor, and stormed out of the apartment. I have always encouraged him to take a walk when he is upset so that he can collect his thoughts so when we try to talk, we are able to talk, and not just yell at each other. I do the same thing — sometimes, I just need to walk away and collect myself. I am not above admitting that. He was still livid when he got home. He decided to stage a 'sit in' in my room, where he did laugh at me and repeat, 'Really? What are you going to do?

roommates, motherhood, life lessons

Love, Mom.

Photo from Heidi Johnson Facebook page.

You can't take my stuff,' etc. He was asked to leave my room, and when he could be respectful, and I was more calm, we would discuss it further. He went to his room, and after about an hour, he had removed some electronics and items I missed that he felt he should have to earn back for his behavior. He apologized, and asked what could he do to make things better and start earning items back. He earned his comforter and some clothes right back. I did leave him some clothes to begin with, just not the ones he would want to wear every day. He also had some pillows and sheets, just not his favorite ones.”

She decided to post it on Facebook, the way one does to friends for a laugh and connection. She neglected to make it "private," and soon comments and shares proliferated, including admonishments from strangers who thought she was a bad parent.Now she had to deal with a bigger teenager: the internet and its commentariat. But Johnson remained level-headed and wrote another Facebook post, clarifying.

"It's out there; and I am not ashamed of what I wrote... I am not going to put my 13-year-old on the street if he can't pay his half of the rent. I am not wanting him to pay anything. I want him to take pride in his home, his space, and appreciate the gifts and blessings we have.” She explains that he is more grateful because of it, and also that he has slowly earned back things and dealt with sacrificing others. Then she lists her very organized and succinct rules of the house:

1 – Do your best in school! I don't expect a perfect 100%, but I do expect that you do your best and ask for help when you don't understand something.

2 – Homework and jobs need to be done before you can have screen time.

3 – Jobs are emptying the trash, unloading the dishwasher, throwing away trash you make in the kitchen, rinsing dirty dishes, making your bed daily, pick up bedroom nightly, and cleaning your bathroom once a week.

4 – You must complete two chores a day. Each day of the week with the exception of Sunday has a room that we work on cleaning. He has to pick two chores for that room. For example, if it is the living room he can choose two of the following options: dust, vacuum, polish furniture, clean windows, mop the floor.

5 – Be respectful and kind with your words — no back talking, no cussing at me.

6 – Keep good hygiene.

7 – Make eye contact when being spoken to, and be an active listener.

8 – Use proper manners.

"You know what.. this hasn't hurt our relationship. He and I still talk as openly as ever. He has apologized multiple times... And… he is trying harder." Her son is earning things back little by little, and appreciating it more than he did before.

"This came down to a 13-year-old telling his mother she had no right to enforce certain rules, and had no place to 'control' him. I made the point to show what life would look like if I was not his 'parent,' but rather a 'roommate.' It was a lesson about gratitude and respect from the very beginning. Sometimes, you have to lose it all to realize how well you really had it."


This article originally appeared four years ago.

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Starting a money talk can be awkward. But these tips may make it easier.

Talking to your boss, partner, or child about money? We got you.

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TD Ameritrade

Talking about money is tricky business.

Think about it. Many of us share the most intimate details of our lives with friends and coworkers and even on social media. But money? That's still as taboo as it's ever been, and talking about it can get uncomfortable really quickly.


I know, right?! GIF via "Maleficent."

That doesn't change the fact, though, that there are important conversations many people need to have about money. Avoiding them can hurt our relationships and our financial health or those of our loved ones.

So where do you even start? And once you start, where do you go?

Whether you're cleaning the house, going to the gym, or asking someone out, no doubt the act of simply getting started can be a tough one. Just imagine having to do that with the money talk!

Luckily, we've gathered some helpful tips to get you started on three essential money conversations: with your boss, your partner, and your kids.

Tip #1: How to ask your boss for a raise

Help them help you. GIF via "The Office."

It may not seem super helpful, but the answer really is just ask (but be well-prepared, of course!).

Sounds easy enough. Yet for some reason, not many people do it. In a PayScale survey, 57% said they've never negotiated for a higher salary. We know it can be a scary thing to do, but you'll never know unless you ask, right?

Luckily, the numbers are in your favor. According to another survey by PayScale, 75% of workers who asked for a raise actually got one. Which is awesome, but don't forget to ask yourself an important question too: Why do you deserve the raise?

Once you answer that, you'll have an easier time getting the ball rolling and will be much more confident sealing the deal.

Tip #2: How to talk to your partner about money

Don't let it go here. GIF via "The Princess Bride."

The answer: honestly.

Clearly, this is a given. But when it comes to money, sometimes we need a reminder.

In a 2014 survey, one 1 in 3 adults admitted to committing financial infidelity on their partner. And that can manifest itself in a variety of ways — whether it's not being upfront about your spending habits, hiding your financial history, or just making secret purchases.

There's a reason money is the #1 cause of stress in a relationship, and arguments about money are a big predictor of divorce. But it doesn't have to be that way. By being honest at the onset and talking about money on a regular basis, couples can start a healthy dialogue that'll give everyone a much better grasp of how to deal with finances down the road.

Tip #3: How to teach your kids about money

This is clearly what NOT to do. GIF via "Black-ish."

The answer: WITH GAMES!

Money and math are rarely the most exciting topics for kids. And that's where playing games comes in! Susan Beacham, CEO of Money Savvy Generation, tells U.S. News, "Games become something you can use to open the discussion, so it's not always you preaching about money."

You can try a classic board game like Monopoly. Or download a fun educational app for them. Or even pretend to be a customer in your kid's make-believe store. The important thing is that kids learn the nuances of what's going on each step of the way, so that they become familiar with financial literacy early on.

It can be intimidating to talk about money, but there are ways to make it a little easier.

Taking that first step can be challenging, especially in this area, but having a plan of attack certainly eases the burden. Now that you have some starting points, the next step is to do just that — start!

Ever stumbled for a good way to say you're sorry?

Don't worry, science has your back. Researchers at Ohio State University recently broke an apology down into six basic components and asked over 700 people to rate which ones — and which combinations of them — were most effective.

Want to know what the six elements were?

No list is complete without examples, so let's take the catchiest apology ever — "Apology Song" by The Decemberists — as our test subject. (If you don't know the song, by the way, it's about apologizing to a friend after letting their bike, Madeleine, get stolen. You can listen to it here.)


1. First, an "expression of regret." In other words, say you're sorry.

Alas, poor Madeleine. Photo from iStock.

This is a simple one and maybe not as important as some of the other elements in this list, but it's remarkable how many times people try to apologize without, you know, apologizing.

So how do The Decemberists measure up? Pretty good. They nail this one right at the beginning of the song:

"I'm really sorry, Steven, / But your bicycle's been stolen."

Pretty good! But what's next?

2. An explanation of what went wrong.

I can't help but notice the conspicuous lack of bikes here, Colin. Photo from iStock.

It's a good idea to explain what happened. An explanation isn't an excuse, but it can help the aggrieved person understand the circumstances.

So, Decemberists?

"I meant her no harm / When I left her unlocked / Outside the Orange Street Food Farm. / I was just running in / Didn't think I'd be that long. / I came out, she was gone."

Takes them a little bit to get to it, but it's in there. Doing good so far!

3. An acknowledgment of responsibility: "It's my fault."

Photo from iStock.

OK, this is a biggie. And is actually one of the most important parts of an apology, according to the study. If something is your fault, admit it.

Let's check the lyrics:

"I was watching it for you / 'Til you came back in the fall. / I guess I didn't do such a good job after all."

That last part — "I didn't do such a good job" — that's the key. It was their fault, and they're willing to admit it. So far, they've been hitting all the right notes.

4. A declaration of repentance – "I won't let it happen again."

Like this times a thousand. Photo from iStock.

Showing that you've learned a lesson and are taking steps to make sure it won't happen again is another important point.

Unfortunately, it's one that The Decemberists miss in this song. If they wanted full marks, they should have explained how they were going to invest in some super-duper bike locks or a personal bike guard dog or something equally anti-theft.

In verse, of course.

5. This is another big one: offering to make it right.

I hope Madeleine 2 gets some sweet flame decals. Photo from iStock.

Ouch, another one The Decemberists missed, and it's a biggie — saying how you'll fix the problem.

So what could The Decemberists have done differently? Well, they do say:

"Where has she gone? / Well, I bet she's on the bottom of a Frenchtown pond."

This is the point where they should have sung about breaking out the scuba gear or draining the pond to get to poor Madeleine. (Ponds are apparently completely filled with bicycles anyways, if that canal proves anything.)

Or, you know, getting them a new bike. But scuba diving's more fun.

6. Lastly, a request for forgiveness.

Photo from iStock.

This is actually the least important part of the apology.

"That's the one you can leave out if you have to," said the study's lead author, Roy Lewicki, in a press release.

But it's always good to include it if you have time. And on this, The Decemberists nail it again:

"So I wrote you this song / In the hopes that you'd forgive me / Even though it was wrong / being so careless with a thing so great."

The most effective apologies contained all six elements, according to Lewicki, but admitting fault, offering a fix, and giving an explanation seemed to be the most important combination.

As to why those three were most important, the authors think it's because they most directly address the original violation of trust while the others are more ephemeral.

Remember, though, this isn't a cheat sheet. If you're not genuinely sorry, it means nothing. And even if you hit the high-score best apology of all time, the other person doesn't have to accept it. And that's OK.

So how did our band do? Altogether, The Decemberists get 4 out of 6. They left out two elements, but nailed some of the big ones. So I'd definitely accept that apology.

If you need to apologize and are stumbling for words, remember this:

"I'm sorry, it was my fault. Here's what happened. I won't let it happen again, and here's how I can make this right. Forgive me?"

Hopefully that'll help patch up any bike-related mishaps in your life.