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new parents

New dad says he 'hates fatherhood.' Other parents rally in support.

Being a brand new parent can be really hard. You're in a season that many people have been in before but it's impossible to fathom what it will be like until you're going through it yourself. That's because everyone is different. We all have different distress tolerances, different levels of assistance, different relationship dynamics and unsurprisingly exactly zero babies are exactly the same. Truly, even identical twins have completely different personalities which are often evident from the moment they're born.

So no first time parent knows exactly what they're getting themselves into but thankfully, most figure it out. A good rule of thumb to remember is that it's your first time being a parent and it's also your baby's first time being a baby. You're learning together. That doesn't always help mitigate the overwhelm or very real emotional changes parents can feel, even dads.

While there has been increased focus on supporting new moms in recognizing symptoms of baby blues and postpartum depression, there's not much attention paid to the changes new dads experience. One in ten men experience paternal postpartum depression and anxiety so it's important that we don't leave them out of the conversation on postpartum mental health.

a man sitting on a bed holding a baby Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

This very well could be a possible reason this dad took to a parenting group desperately seeking advice for how to handle "hating being a new father."

The anonymous father writes, "I have a three week old daughter. I feel so terrible - I just feel nothing for her. I'm finding it impossible to function without sleep. Everyone always talked about how you'll love every minute of it and how I need to 'treasure' these moments as I won't get them back - I just don't get it, what part of this is good? I have no life anymore. I have zero independence."

He shares that he can't explain his feelings to his wife and would go back to his former life if he could before concluding, "I feel like an awful person... but... how was I to know this wasn't for me before I tried it?"

woman holding baby beside man smiling Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Oof! The level of guilt he feels is evident, but what's also evident is that even though he's feeling detached from his infant, he's still caring for her. From his own words people can see that he's doing his best to become a good father and trying to be a supportive partner. Normally in open parenting forums people would pile on the guilt by shaming a parent for feeling anything other than immense joy for your child at all times whether it's realistic or not.

In this case it seems that fellow parents could hear the worry and desperation in his words, immediately rallying to offer supportive words and suggestions. One person writes, "Lack of sleep is an absolute killer.You need to see about sleeping in shifts so you both get a decent period of uninterrupted sleep. Take the baby out for a walk in the stroller. If it’s cold layer them up. You’re not a bad father, it’s a huge adjustment and it’s really hard with no sleep. But it also is what you make of it, so get outside and move your body and go for a beer or a coffee with a friend."

Baby Nbc GIF by This Is UsGiphy

A mom of two offers some solid validation, "You aren't awful. This sht is hard. It can take dads a lot longer to bond with babies. You've just got to fake it til you make it. Try to have skin to skin time with baby to give the chemical reaction in your brain a jumpstart. Just talking to the baby about what's happening around you can also help you feel a connection, just like it does when you meet a new person. Around the 2month mark things should start feeling more natural and like you're a part of things. 4month it goes to sht again due to sleep regression and then things can be a bit chaotic til around 8month when they start crawling or standing or walking even. You do look back on these days and think "wow I wish they were slower" but then you remember a poonami episode and are glad your kid is toilet trained. Try to hang in there. It does get better!"

love and hip hop baby GIF by VH1Giphy

Another father relates to the struggle but encourages that things get easier, "When my child came, I had a hard time with the loss of my previous life. I was worried that I made the wrong decision in having a kiddo and thought to myself that I wasn’t meant to be a father. That lasted for a long time honestly. I did love my kiddo, but I wouldn’t say I was bonded with him for a long time. He is 8 now and I treasure the times that we have together, he is fun and infuriating and hilarious and clever and has no common sense. Yours will their own mixture of things, but you will come to love them."

"Anyone who says you’ll love every minute of it is a damn liar and no one can change my mind," one mom writes in part before sharing further. "Having a child is a shocking life change. Your wife has a slight advantage in that her life change happened when she found out about the pregnancy, and so she’s had 8-10ish months to come to terms with it, while going through physical changes. Yours is mental and 3 weeks ago shit hit the fan. It’s ok to feel lost. Imagine if someone you were close to had died - you wouldn’t be any less shocked in 3 weeks. Give yourself some time and make sure you do bond with your baby by simply holding them and talking to them."

man in white crew neck t-shirt with tattoo on arm Photo by Devon Divine on Unsplash

The amount of validation and nonjudgmental support is heartwarming. Hopefully the new dad feels the level of support offered by others and knows that while it can be a hard adjustment that he can always reach out to others for support. If he or any other new father recognizes that they may be struggling with symptoms of paternal postpartum depression, support is available through therapy or the Postpartum Support International HelpLine.

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Wife shares brilliant reason her dad should see husband's colonoscopy

Becoming a couple means you're taking on another family, especially if you're married or in a long-term relationship. An additional family means you're learning people's personalities and quirks as they learn yours. There are plenty of people that luck out and get in-laws that are the epitome of kindness, love and boundaries

Then there are those that get the in-laws that live up to every stereotype there is about in-laws. Trying to set a boundary with those in-laws feels a lot like trying to teach a goldfish to walk on a leash. But when your partner starts to wain on holding boundaries alongside you, it can make for some uncomfortable conversations.

One woman took to Reddit about her own overbearing mother-in-law and the proposition she gave her husband in an effort to reinforce his support for the boundary she set. The woman is pregnant with presumably her first child and her mother-in-law is insisting that she attend the the actual birth.


We're not talking about her being at the hospital in the waiting room with a bubble gum cigar and a cute stuffed animal. Her husband's mom wants to be in the delivery room when her new grandchild makes their way into the world. In other circumstances this may not be a big deal. There are plenty of women close with their mother-in-laws who would welcome the extra love in the room to welcome the new baby. But this mom-to-be describes her husband's mom as pushy, judgmental and overbearing, pointing out that she wasn't allowed in the delivery room when her own daughters gave birth for the same reasons.

According to the post, her husband was very supportive and has a history of standing up for her with his parents but has started to cave on this particular issue.

The frustrated wife reveals, "She has started crying to him that all she wants is to see a grandchild being born. All her friends have experienced it and she wants it. He is starting to crumble under her emotional blackmail."

"So I made it clear that the only way I would agree was if, before the birth, my husband made arrangements for my father to witness him getting a colonoscopy," she continues.

mother-in-law in delivery room; Reddit AITA; delivery room boundaries; new parents; motherhoodwoman in gray and white floral shirt sitting on bedPhoto by Jimmy Conover on Unsplash

Of course her husband was not interested in having an audience during his colonoscopy. But after explaining that her dad never got to see her brothers get pictures of the inside of their colons and felt left out, he admits that he understands her point.

"His mother is upset that I used such a stupid comparison. She says that it isn't the same thing at all. I offered to change it to me watching her get a Brazilian wax and she hasn't called in a week," the wife writes.

Commenters were especially supportive of this new mom's boundaries being upheld. One person shares, "Boundaries during childbirth are especially important. I watched my niece give birth to her first born, it was awesome. This second go round she only wanted her mama in there." They continue, "moms in labor have to be as comfortable and stress-free as possible while delivering, and that includes who is in the room and who isn't."

mother-in-law in delivery room; Reddit AITA; delivery room boundaries; new parents; motherhood

person wearing blue shirt putting baby on scale

Photo by Christian Bowen on Unsplash

"Giving birth is not a spectator sport. No means no," another person writes.

"Your comparison was perfect and and your feelings are reasonable. And frankly your husband doesn’t really get a say. This is your medical procedure and you can simply tell your medical team she is not welcome," someone says.

Another person followed up adding, "The husband has so little say in this matter that the hospital won't even let him in if Op doesn't want him to be there."

The overwhelming consensus is that boundaries being upheld during birth are extremely important and the woman just might be a genius with her requests. That's certainly one way to let people know you're serious about who is and isn't allowed in the delivery room. It's such a delicate and sometimes traumatic time, the focus should be on the needs of the person giving birth, not the in-laws. Here's hoping for a healthy baby and smooth delivery.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

People share the most practical ways to support new parents

There's a lot of preparation that goes into having a child well before they're even born. First there are the physical changes your body makes to clear up some space for a tiny human roughly the size of a watermelon. Then there's preparing the nursery, buying lots of extremely small clothes, diapers and an expected understanding that while sleep may be your friend, you won't be getting any of it for about a year.

Lots of people give plenty of advice to help you cope in the early days but after the baby arrives, the focus shifts to solely the baby. It's obviously not a deliberate shift. Babies are just more shiny and new that the parents. But not everyone forgets about the parents once baby makes their grand entrance–some go out of their way to make sure the parents feel supported.

Upworthy asked its audience, "what was the best non-baby related gift you received as a new parent," and the answers were a masterclass on how to care for new parents.


Usually when people think of new babies, they often stop short of thinking of the person that just gave birth. All of the gifts that come in are typically for the new infant, which is helpful but in the early days it can feel like you're invisible. This means that the small gestures to focus on the parent or parents can really make a big impact and it looks like the Upworthy audience is acutely aware of this fact. Here are some of the most meaningful and practical gifts:

1. Everyone has to eat, especially when you've just birthed a human

"My best friend came by a day or two after I’d given birth with fresh washed and precut fruits and veggies and this is the only thing I remember being given. I was so thirsty and depleted and that gesture was everything," Emmanuelle Hertel writes.

"My grandma brought me groceries. Right to my third floor apartment. She was way old and it was probably a big hassle for her but incredibly helpful and thoughtful. She knew it was hard to leave the house and that I was a single mom of a baby," Kristina Scott remembers.

"A basket of easy to grab finger foods, cheeses, sparkling cider. It was a godsend," Peggy Auerbacher says.

2. Cleaning is a gift of love

"A house keeping crew for a month from my sister-in-laws," Evelyn Strimel Durkin says.

"My mother had someone come in and deep clean my house right before I delivered. It stayed clean with little effort right through the first couple of weeks. And those last couple of weeks of pregnancy, I was definitely not able to clean the way that I would have liked to. It was a blessing. And a fabulous gift," Patrice Powers King writes.

"My mom came and cleaned my house top to bottom, let me shower, kept our crockpot full of healthy food, and helped me learn how to breastfeed. Best gift I’ve ever received," Casi Dixon Hitchens admits.

3. Giving parents a much needed break from their littles to do wild things like nap.

"When my sister in law came & took our two little ones & said “do what you want but I’m taking your kids for a few hours “ These kids are now in their 50 ‘s and I still think about that. Best gift ever," Esther Keber says.

"A friend picked up my kids and took them to her house for dinner and play when she delivered dinner for husband and me," Mara Capuano writes.

"After a C-section w my first, my Mom came to help. I needed groceries AND I just needed to get out. She said “ take your time, no rush, I’m here”. She knew, I just needed a minute to myself, even if it was just getting groceries. She’s long gone, but she saw ME," Sandy Corr reminisces.

Of course people were happily taking notes of the thoughtful gifts other's received so they could pass along the practical joy. Is there a gift you received that simply made your life a little easier with a newborn? Tell us about it but most importantly, remember these ideas when you find yourself curious what to gift your expecting friend or relative.

Joy

Strangers participated in a family's gender reveal party and their excitement is contagious

Only one cupcake out of dozens had the colored icing. The entire restaurant became invested.

Strangers help couple with their gender reveal.

Gender reveal parties have continued to be popular over the past decade or so, and people have gotten more and more creative with them in an effort to keep them fun for everyone involved. Marissa Bailey decided to take her party to a local restaurant and use cupcakes to reveal the gender, but the catch was there were dozens of cupcakes and only one had the colored frosting in the middle.

Thankfully for the internet, Bailey decided to film the event and upload it to TikTok, where it has amassed over 10 million views. In the video, the family members take turns biting into the cupcakes as curious patrons watch, slowly realizing what's going on. Soon the other restaurant guests become invested as cupcake after cupcake proves to be free of colored filling. (I don't know whose idea it was to bake so many cupcakes but, whew, they were going to be there a while.)

Eventually, someone decides handing them out to the now-interested patrons would speed along the process. Even the server gets in on the game and cuts open a cupcake to again reveal no colored filling. So more volunteers raise their hands to bite into cupcakes.


Now there's even more of a party because strangers are feeling invested and competitive, but alas there's still no color in the cupcakes. Soon the entire restaurant is collectively shouting out in disappointment as another cupcake reveals a whole lot of nothing. The mom-to-be is looking stressed at this point, but the show must go on.

Surely she's rethinking the idea of recreating a Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket situation. But just when defeat is hitting the pregnant woman, a shriek can be heard from a stranger in the restaurant, followed by, "IT'S A GIRL!!!" as she dances in place.

What a fun and intense gender reveal. Check it out below:

@rissa_bai

The energy was amazing!