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'It Ends With Us' film has people discussing the nuanced elements of domestic violence

The movie gives us a glimpse of how complex and confusing abusive relationships are from the inside.

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Justin Baldoni directed and stars in "It Ends With Us."

The film adaptation of Colleen Hoover's bestselling novel "It Ends With Us" has been a smashing success at the box office, with its $242 million haul in its first three weeks exceeding industry expectations and blowing far past its $25 million budget.

The movie has also led to much-needed conversations about intimate partner violence. Despite the bizarrely mixed promotion of the film (with star and co-producer Blake Lively being criticized for downplaying the domestic violence aspect while co-star and director Justin Baldoni has focused his interviews on addressing it), viewers are leaving theaters digesting a story of an abusive relationship that may feel painfully familiar or like nothing they'd ever seen before. And both of those moviegoing experiences are prompting discussions about the aspects of of domestic violence that we often don't hear or talk about.

(This article contains movie spoilers and some depictions of abuse, so please be warned.)

Why Justin Baldoni decided to adapt "It Ends With Us" as a film

Baldoni has said that he wanted to make "It Ends With Us" to bring hope to women who see themselves in Lily Bloom, the main character who ends up in an abusive relationship, and help empower them to make a different choice for themselves. To help tackle such a sensitive and complex subject. Baldoni and his production company, Wayfarer Studios, partnered with the domestic violence organization No More in the creation and promotion of the film.

"The only way I could direct this movie is if I had a group of women, specifically, behind me who are specialists in this space, Baldoni told TODAY. "And from the very beginning, we worked very hard to create a very truthful and honest story that could reflect the reality of what millions and millions of people go through every day."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

As Baldoni told TODAY, there is no typical abuser or typical victim. But since the release of "It Ends With Us," many women who have experienced intimate partner violence have praised the way the film depicts the complexity and nuance of abusive relationships, and many women have shared that they appreciated the care that went into telling the story. Some have even come forward to say that the film inspired them to leave their own abusive relationships.

How are domestic violence survivors reacting to "It Ends With Us"?

"Not sure if you will ever see this, but I'm leaving 10 years of absolute hell after seeing it ends with us, thank you. It ends with me, too," shared one person.

"I left an 8 year relationship after watching this movie-twice...Thank you Justin for promoting the right way and creating an awareness on the seriousness of DV," wrote another commenter.

"I was Lily Bloom 17 years ago," shared another. "It's crazy how you were able to show the audience the victim's perspective. It's not always obvious for many reasons. We see the person's good or have hope they can change because they've shown us some love. For me it was always an accident or something that happened because of heightened emotions. I didn't want to be that girl either so I would always feel it was us both of us doing this. But the day I left with my babies, my two girls... I asked him the same question. He didn't give me the right answer though. He said, 'I would tell them to go back to their husband because that's what they signed up for and where they belong' Leaving was hard but staying would've been hell!! I'm so happy to say I'm with a real man that had showed me real love and loves my girls we have been married 12+ years."

"You know I went into this movie to hate watch it honestly, I thought it was going to be some fifty shades fanfic esque flick, but I actually want to thank you for making this from the bottom of my heart," wrote another. "When you are in that situation it feels like no one understands why you can't just walk away, but you are so enraptured and the love of an abuser can feel larger than life. I’ve never felt more connected to a story and as someone currently on the fence of going back to a situation like this or letting that love go, this was what I needed. This felt real and it was activating but freeing. Thank you."

How does "It Ends With Us" portray an abusive relationship?

I saw the movie as someone who hasn't experiences domestic violence and was curious to see if others had similar takeaways as I did. A handful of people have expressed concern that domestic violence is "glamorized" in the story, but I didn't get that from the film at all. I didn't read the book, so can't compare the two, but what I took away from the movie was the uncomfortable truth that abusive relationships are not as black-and-white as many people think.

To be clear, abuse in a relationship is always a deal breaker. That's not in question. But what we see in this movie is that abusive relationships can be really confusing from the inside. There are some abusers out there who are just plain monsters, but they're often more like Baldoni's character, Ryle. He is loving, tender, supportive—and even gentle—most of the time. There are some red flags in the way he pursues Lily in the beginning, but they're the kinds of things many consider charming and flattering. We see him kick a chair in an outburst of anger in his first scene, but we're able to understand his anger in that moment, even if his expression of it is a bad sign.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

What I took away from the film is how a woman can genuinely fall in love with an abuser and how she can justify or explain away abusive incidents because she doesn't want to admit, even to herself, that she is in an abusive relationship. Throughout the film, we see Ryle through Lily's eyes, as an "unreliable narrator" (her own words). We see the times he hurts her as accidents and his explanations of what happened played out as reality. It's not until Ryle does something that can't be explained away that we see Lily's recovered memories of what actually happened in those other incidents.

Ryle didn't accidentally swing his hand because he burned it; he hit Lily in a rage. She didn't fall down the stairs during a fight; he pushed her. As a viewer, even knowing the movie was about an abusive relationship, I found myself somewhat confused about whether Ryle was really abusive until he tried to rape her and we got to see Lily's more accurate memories revealed. As a person who hasn't been in those shoes, I appreciated seeing a perspective from the inside, how what Lily feels and what she experiences are conflicting and confusing.

How can someone get out of an abusive relationship?

I've seen some people complain that Ryle was portrayed as a sympathetic character because his own childhood trauma is revealed to explain his rage issues, but two things can be true at once. A person can have experienced a severe trauma that results in violent outbursts and their behavior can be unacceptable and inexcusable in a relationship. A partner can be sweet and supportive and also abusive, making them an unequivocal abuser. If your partner is wonderful 98% of the time and abusive 2% of the time, you are in an abusive relationship. Full stop. That 98% can be seductive enough to convince you to put up with the 2%, but that's not how it works. There's no amount of abuse that's worth staying for.

One element of the story that experts have raised concerns about is the fact that Ryle doesn't put up a fight when Lily tells him she wants a divorce. That's not often how it goes, and unfortunately the 18 months after leaving an abusive partner are statistically the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship. Again, every abusive relationship has its own dynamic, but women who decide to leave should be aware of the patterns and have a safety plan in place beforehand.

"It Ends With Us" may have hit some marketing snags with the behind-the-scenes drama and problematic promotion dominating the headlines, but beyond all the media noise is a film that has people talking about domestic violence in a deep and meaningful way. And that's definitely a good thing.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. Visit nomore.org.

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These celeb dads are showing total support for their breastfeeding partners. Here's how.

Breastfeeding can be awesome — but it can also be difficult, physically exhausting, and isolating.

Parents may choose to breastfeed for a variety of reasons and have a range of experiences with it, but one thing is universal: It helps to have help.

People often tout the natural beauty of breastfeeding, and that can certainly be true. But it's equally true that nursing can be physically demanding, time-consuming, and — thanks to society's squeamishness — socially isolating. Even those who love breastfeeding need moral and logistical support, especially from their partners.

Here are some celebrity dads who show us what supportive breastfeeding partners look like:

Keeping breastfeeding partners well-fed and hydrated, like The Rock did, is a good place to start.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson melted hearts with a photo on Instagram of him lovingly feeding his girlfriend while she fed their baby.

"Mama @laurenhashianofficial has her hands full nursing/feeding Baby Tia," he wrote, "so I'm feedin' mama her dinner. My pleasure. So much respect to her and all mamas out there holding it down and running things."

Not only does breastfeeding require hands, it also burns 300-500 calories a day, which can make for ravenous hunger. Nursing requires extra water too, so partners can help by bringing a breastfeeding person food and liquids.

Expressing appreciation for breastfeeding like Justin Baldoni did is another way to show support.

"Jane the Virgin" actor Justin Baldoni didn't hold back in sharing his awe in watching his wife breastfeed their baby, Maxwell.  

"I love watching Emily feed our son," he wrote on Instagram:

"They share such a deep bond and I can see how much joy it brings her when everything stops and it just the two of them connecting ... It still blows my mind at how incredible the female body is and that the only thing my son has eaten since he was born has been produced by my wife."

He also shared a photo he took of her breastfeeding, with words of praise for her as a mother and wife. Beautiful.

Andy Grammer modeled how to support breastfeeding in public without shame.

The singer/songwriter shared a photo of his wife Aijia getting sassy with public breastfeeding shamers on Twitter and sent a shoutout "to all the moms feeding their babies without a care and in style."

And check out this adorable video of Grammer beatboxing in time to his daughter Louisiana's hiccups. (Another way to help is burping the baby after feeding time, BTW.)

Partners can also step up in unexpected ways when breastfeeding goes wrong, like Dax Shepard did.

Actress Kristen Bell shared a story on her online show "Momsplaining" about one of the times she had mastitis and wasn't able to get to the doctor. Mastitis is a painful and potentially dangerous breast infection. Their baby had recently quit breastfeeding, and she needed to express her milk to relieve the pain and pressure.

Bell said she told her husband, "We can talk about it, we can be weird about it, or you can just go ahead and nurse." So Shepard extracted the milk — yep, like that — and spit it into a cup.

"I've never been more in love," said Bell.

Even just cleaning a breast pump and washing bottles can make a huge difference.

When rapper George Moss shared a photo of him cleaning a breast pump after a concert, people went wild and shared the post widely.

If you ever wonder what #rappers do when they get off stage, they clean breast pumps for their wives so their baby can eat. #thuglife

Posted by George Moss on Monday, June 22, 2015

But as Moss wrote in a follow-up post, it's a little strange that he gets all the kudos for doing something as simple as cleaning a breast pump:

"If anyone should get the credit it should be people like my wife! This woman AMAZES me! Through all the pain & soreness, frustrations, stress, etc. of trying to breast feed and pump, she gets up in the middle of the night to nurse a hungry baby."

Here's to those who enthusiastically support their breastfeeding partners.

Your words and actions make a difference.

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Justin Baldoni and his wife made peanuts their son's first food. Wait, what?

I was super nervous the first time I fed each of my kids peanuts, terrified that they might have a life-threatening allergic reaction.

Kids can be allergic to any food, of course, but peanut allergies are particularly scary. While relatively rare, anaphylaxis isn't something you want to mess around with.

When my kids were babies, the prevailing advice was to delay introducing peanuts into a child’s diet in case they were allergic. So when I heard that actor/director/all-around-awesome-human Justin Baldoni and his wife were feeding peanuts to their 6-month-old son — as his first solid food, no less — I was intrigued.

Justin Baldoni and his wife, Emily, have a 2-year-old daughter and a 6-month-old son.

It never would have crossed my mind to give my kids peanuts as infants, and certainly not as a first food. But my kids are older, and research is ever-evolving.

Baldoni told me that he and his wife Emily decided on early introduction of peanuts after reviewing the research and consulting with their child's doctor about new data on how to prevent peanut allergies.

"Once we talked to our pediatrician and we found that it was safe and could greatly improve his chances of not developing a peanut allergy, we thought as parents we should give it a go," he says.

According to the latest research, "early and often" exposure to peanuts may prevent peanut allergies from developing later on.  

A landmark study released in 2015 found that early consumption of peanuts significantly reduced a child’s chance of developing a peanut allergy. The striking results of that study prompted new recommendations from the National Institutes of Health and the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease. Instead of delaying or avoiding peanuts, the new recommendation is to start exposure to peanut proteins early — between 4 and 6 months — and continue to feed peanuts to children a few times a week to prevent allergies from developing.

Doting daddy that he is, Baldoni naturally wants to do what's best for his kids.

Dada? Probably not intentionally but I’ll take it! #dearmaxwell #6months

A post shared by Justin Baldoni (@justinbaldoni) on

Baldoni explained how he and Emily have gone about exposing their son Maxwell to peanut protein.

"Maxwell is primarily breastfed, so the first thing we actually introduced into his diet was peanuts," he said. "We took a little bit of ground peanut powder, and we mixed it in with his mama’s fresh breastmilk. And we just kind of spoon-fed it to him three times a week."

"As they say, early and often is what helps prevent it."

The guidelines are so new that many parents may not be aware of them — or they might be afraid to follow them.

Baldoni said they didn’t have this research when his daughter, Maiya, was a baby. She’s now almost 3. With new research being done all the time, recommendations are constantly changing, so it can be hard for parents to keep up.

Justin Baldoni with his daughter, Maiya. Photo by Rachel Murray/Getty Images.

It can also be nerve-wracking to follow new advice that flies in the face of old recommendations. Having experienced this myself as a parent, I asked Baldoni if he and Emily were nervous to give Maxwell peanuts.

"Totally nervous," he replied.

"Emily and I are just very aware. Her sister has a pretty severe nut allergy, and I have friends with peanut allergies, and I have family members with food allergies."

"I think as parents, anytime you’re going to introduce something into your child’s diet that helps to prevent a further allergy, it’s a scary thing. But once we talked to our doctor, we were much less nervous because Maxwell was also low-risk. So we just introduced it at home, and we watched him. He loved it, and he was fine, and so we just kept going."

The website preventpeanutallergies.org has information about what makes a child low-risk or high-risk for peanut allergy, in addition to other common questions about the research and recommendations.

Baldoni has partnered with organizations invested in preventing peanut allergies to help raise awareness about the new guidelines.

He's known for using his social media platform for good, and he and Emily decided that preventing peanut allergies in kids is a cause worth promoting. He's partnered with the American College of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology (ACAAI); the Food Allergy & Anaphylaxis Connection Team (FAACT); and the National Peanut Board to spread the word.

Baldoni said he believes that if even one life is saved, it's worth it.

"I know and I’ve seen first-hand what a peanut allergy can do to somebody’s life and how it can affect them, and the fear that people experience when they have a peanut allergy, whether it’s on planes … eating at restaurants … always having to make sure, and double check, and triple check, and take an EpiPen with them ..."

"If there is a way to prevent this, if there was a way to make a child’s life that much easier, then absolutely I want to use my platform to help with that."

"We’ll never know, but if one parent does this and their child doesn’t develop an allergy and otherwise they would have, then I think this is really good and important work, and that’s something that I’m really passionate about — making sure that we’re always using our blessings and our gifts to pay it forward and help others."



While the Baldonis chose peanuts as a first food in consultation with their doctor, the ACAAI recommends that peanuts be introduced after other solid foods. Parents should consult with their doctors about any concerns they have about food allergies. For more information about peanut allergies and prevention, visit preventpeanutallergies.org.

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A new men’s talk show in the works will challenge gender norms. Hell yes.

Justin Baldoni, of The CW's 'Jane the Virgin,' is on a mission to change masculinity.

The reflection staring back at Justin Baldoni in the mirror looks, to him, quite a bit different from the svelte leading man his fans see on television every week.

He sees a version of himself that's about two decades younger.

That person is gangly, awkward, and pimply, Baldoni says, complete with crooked teeth hiding behind rows of braces and a large nose that draws taunts from bullies from near and far.

"I didn't have a date for homecoming because nobody wanted to go with me," Baldoni recalls of his teen years. "That's who I still struggle with when I look in the mirror."

"I struggle with massive insecurities about my body," says Baldoni, who plays Rafael on The CW's "Jane the Virgin." "And I'm a guy who takes my shirt off on TV every week."

Baldoni believes he has a form of body dysmorphia. And he's certainly not alone.

[rebelmouse-image 19474018 dam="1" original_size="750x750" caption=""As a man I can tell you right now that I struggle with my own body image & there are infinite layers that contribute to why," Baldoni writes in his caption on Facebook. Photo courtesy of Justin Baldoni." expand=1]"As a man I can tell you right now that I struggle with my own body image & there are infinite layers that contribute to why," Baldoni writes in his caption on Facebook. Photo courtesy of Justin Baldoni.

Forms of mental illness in men stemming from body image have become an increasingly concerning issue.

It's a topic the actor thinks people aren't talking about enough, and research suggests he's right. Studies show that men with body image issues are far more likely to go undiagnosed and untreated than their female counterparts, because men are more likely to suffer in silence and hold off on accessing help out of shame.

Even though it may be scary, Baldoni knows he's only able to take his shirt off for his day job because of the various forms of privilege he's benefitted from (namely, that his current body conforms to society's standards of male attractiveness). So he's certainly not asking for a pity party in honor of his insecurities.

He is asking, however, for change on behalf of men everywhere.

That's why Baldoni is launching a new talk show focused on exploring what it means to be a man in 2017.

"I believe we need to adjust and change the way we see masculinity," Baldoni notes. "Who says masculinity has to be forceful and powerful and strong? What if it looks different? What if it looks different for every single man?"

[rebelmouse-image 19528283 dam="1" original_size="750x938" caption=""[Men] need to be able to not judge each other," Baldoni wrote on Facebook. "To hold whatever is happening in our lives, to cry together, and listen to each other." Photo courtesy of Justin Baldoni." expand=1]"[Men] need to be able to not judge each other," Baldoni wrote on Facebook. "To hold whatever is happening in our lives, to cry together, and listen to each other." Photo courtesy of Justin Baldoni.

The first two episodes of the series (the title has yet to be determined) are in production this summer by Baldoni's media company, Wayfarer, and will live on an online platform that will also provide viewers with helpful resources on a number of issues affecting men.

Experts and celebrity guests — including actor and activist Matt McGorry ("How to Get Away with Murder") — will help Baldoni parse through a wide variety of topics that affect men of all colors, backgrounds, sexual orientations, and identities, Baldoni explains.

Actor Matt McGorry will be in the first two episodes of Baldoni's new talk show. Photo by Catrina Maxwell/Getty Images for SCAD.

The second episode of the show will be dedicated to body image.

"I'm absolutely nervous," Baldoni admits of the deeply personal endeavor. "I'm also terrified. I'm insecure. I feel very vulnerable and exposed at the same time."

Baldoni began thinking about creating a talk show for men after his marriage proposal video went viral in 2013.

The video, which has amassed a whopping 11 million views to date, was originally meant to be shared with only wedding guests, the actor says. But he and his wife, Emily, reluctantly posted it to YouTube after being egged on by family and friends.

The 27-minute long proposal shows Emily reacting to an epic video pre-recorded by Baldoni — one involving boy band performances and a car chase — as she waits, shocked, in the restaurant where the couple went on their first date. In the video's conclusion, Baldoni appears in the restaurant to ask for Emily's hand in marriage.

Reactions to the proposal online were ... mixed.

[rebelmouse-image 19528284 dam="1" original_size="750x750" caption="Baldoni with his wife and daughter. "My personal truth is that I get pretty damn sad when my girls leave," he wrote on Facebook. "Even if it's just for a week and a half." Photo courtesy of Justin Baldoni." expand=1]Baldoni with his wife and daughter. "My personal truth is that I get pretty damn sad when my girls leave," he wrote on Facebook. "Even if it's just for a week and a half." Photo courtesy of Justin Baldoni.

Women, overall, seemed to appreciate it, Baldoni recalls. They shared it with friends and excitedly congratulated the couple. Men, on the other hand, tended to either attack or mock Baldoni for the dramatic gesture. At least, that's what they did publicly.

Privately, men complimented Baldoni, emailing him their thoughts and asking for advice in proposing to their own partners. Baldoni remembers an intimidatingly buff stranger at the gym who quietly approached him, admitting the video made him cry.

"I realized we have an issue," Baldoni says. "Men are embarrassed to share their feelings.”

That embarrassment — along with a lengthy list of other negative effects sprouting from traditionally held gender roles — has far-reaching ramifications.

“There are too many signs that our world is overrun by the wrong kind of masculinity," Baldoni says.

Suicidal men are literally dying for somebody to talk to. Substance abuse is silently affecting the lives of men refusing to reach out for help.

In Washington, bravado seems to trump substance.

"Trump and other men like him exist everywhere," Baldoni says. "And they’ve always existed." Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.

More men need to know it's OK to be open, to be vulnerable, to be flawed.

"Maybe you're someone who's struggling with depression, or maybe your career isn't going as well as you want it to ... maybe you're addicted to porn and you're so embarrassed about it that you've never talked to anybody," Baldoni says. "Reach out and start to build strong male relationships that don't focus on what game is on or what NBA player is killing it."

"At some point we have to learn how to open up because we need each other," Baldoni notes. "Masculinity doesn't have to be as lonely as it is."

To keep tabs on Baldoni's new talk show, which is slated to premiere in late fall 2017, follow him on Instagram and Facebook.

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