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gender inequality

Miss Potkin/Twitter
Mom lives the dream: quietly quitting household chores to see if her family notices

It takes a heck of a lot to keep a household moving. Dishes, laundry, groceries, general cleaning and tidying, outdoor maintenance, scheduling, doctor's appointments, and on and on and on. In most American households, mom handles most of it; the majority of the physical labor and almost all of the invisible, mental work.

If it sounds like a lot, that's because it is. Though men and fathers are sharing the load more than ever, the division of labor remains pretty bad. And it's not just stay-at-home moms that are managing everything; it's working women, too! It's too much for any one person to handle.

Practically every mom I know occasionally daydreams about quitting-doing-all-the-things. Sometimes the impulse is born of exhaustion. Sometimes it's the relentless daily tedium of cleaning, cooking, reminding, over and over and over without end. And sometimes it's the desire for someone else to notice that these things actually need to be done and someone has to actually do it.

 moms, motherhood, parenting, household, family, chores, mental load, division of labor, household inequity, sexism All moms can relate to this feeling.  Giphy  

Even moms who share chores with spouses and kids often find themselves carrying the mental load of figuring out what needs to be done, monitoring whether it's getting done, and organizing who's doing what, and reminding/nagging/harassing her family members until it gets done. Sometimes moms just want to let all of that go and see what happens.

One mom, who goes by Miss Potkin on Twitter/X, recently decided she had enough. She decided, just like that, that she was going to quit without saying a word.

Channeling the fed-upness of mothers everywhere, she just up and stopped doing household chores to see what would happen. Two days later, she began sharing the saga in a Twitter thread that's as entertaining as it is satisfying.

Needless to say, without Lily managing things, the state of the home unraveled extremely quickly.


 

Letting go and letting your family sit in their own filth until they can't take it anymore takes patience and discipline. There's a reason moms generally do-all-the-things regardless of how cooperative the family is. We don't want to live in a mess any more than anyone else does. But Lily Potkin stuck to her guns.

For a minute, things were looking promising with the garbage being taken out. However, the dishes still remained mysteriously undone. As did the laundry.

It only got worse from there. Honestly, reading through the thread is like watching the beginning of a zombie flick where the "normal world" because an apocalyptic wasteland in a matter of minutes

 

"There is a pan on the cooker with a single sausage in it," she wrote in one update. "It's been there for two days. I can't look at it because it's turned the colour of the man that washes up in Cast Away."

Later, she did reveal said sausage for the camera (from a distance). It was horrifying, to say the least.

Oh, and this point, the downstairs bathroom was out of toilet paper. A harrowing prospect for all members of the house.

 

Those who might feel judgy at this point likely live with people who are naturally neat, or just can't fathom themselves how someone could let a sausage sit for two days.

But take it from a mom who let go of policing her kids' bedrooms to see how long it would take them to decide to clean on their own—some human beings are willing to overlook all manner of mess and filth before it becomes too much.

And sometimes they have to learn firsthand the amount of extra work such obliviousness leads to.

In one update from Potkin, she shows her partner trying to clean old hardened cereal off a bowl. It's quite a struggle. Imagine how much easier it would have been to clean it right away!


 

Hilariously, even though the dishwasher finally did get loaded, that's basically all that happened. Miss Potkin shared a video tour of the kitchen with the extraneous things that didn't get done or got half-done.

It speaks to the invisible load, the mental labor. Other members of the household may be willing to lend a hand here and there, but only when they're told exactly what to do. Even just the constant To-Do Listing is exhausting for moms.

 

Of course, the negative Nancies showed up to voice their judgmental opinions about her experiment, her home, her family, her choice of husband, and everything else because moms literally can't catch a break.

It's a silly, fun exercise to make a point that millions of moms can relate to. If it doesn't apply to you, move along, Nance.

Potkin took it all in stride. Though she was out to prove a point, the goal was not to villify her husband and the rest of her family, but rather to shed light on the unfair cultural expectations and systems that lead to this inequality.

 

"We do not 'live like this,'" she wrote. "This is a lesson in wanting to be heard and respected and not having to repeat yourself when things slip. We're navigating the day-to-day in extraordinary times and for me, the past two days have been funnier than anything else. I think we're all entitled to run our own experiments, be amused, push a situation to its limit if we so choose. No one needs to be lectured by those that have failed to see the silly joy in what's happening here."

And the experiment slowly started paying off as someone replaced the toilet paper.

 

But the dishwasher, though loaded, remains firmly in the Off position. For reasons that are beyond comprehension.

 

"We keep our homes tidy because love," Miss Potkin wrote. "We cook food and set tables and fill the air with scents of roses and fresh laundry because love. Love is patient but love is also fucking tired because she works 14 hour days."

"I know we are ALL tired," she added, "but I am most tired. Me. I AM ALL THE TIRED."

All the moms are all the tired.

 

Miraculously, it only took three days of being completely hands-off for her family to take note and clean the house.

 

Lesson learned. Mission accomplished. Let's hope it sticks.

Potkin's thread was reposted over 42,000 times, which means the experiment got in front of a lot of eyeballs. Doubtless that some of them must have belonged to partners who are guilty of not quite pulling their fair share. Maybe the eye-opening and entertaining thread was enough to make a difference in households beyond just Potkin's.

 

Moms are not always the ones who pick up most of the slack in a household, but they usually are.

Estimates say that, on average, women spend about twice as many hours per week on chores around the house. That's probably being generous to the average man. But even still, the inequity is clear as day. Moms are doing far too much work. That work hinders their sleep, raises the stress levels, and impacts their ability to earn and advance in their careers.

 moms, motherhood, parenting, household, family, chores, mental load, division of labor, household inequity, sexism What a typical American home may look like after three days without a mom.  Photo by Bruno Guerrero on Unsplash  

And when that work is taken for granted, it especially sucks.

When everyone in the house pays more attention and takes the initiative to tidy, neaten, clean, replace, launder, put away, etc., moms are less stressed and tired and everyone benefits. If it take up and quitting for a while to help the family see it, so be it.

This article originally appeared three years ago. It has been updated.

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Serena Williams wrote a powerful open letter to girls and women everywhere.

Why is Williams a great "female athlete," yet you never hear LeBron James referred to as a great "male athlete"?

One of the greatest athletes of all-time, superstar Serena Williams gets it done on and off the court.

In addition to being a 22-time Grand Slam singles champion, the tennis legend has pushed back against body-shamers, shut down rude reporters, spoken out against police violence, and just recently teamed up with her sister, Venus, to open a center for gun violence victims in their hometown of Compton.

But that's not all she's done lately.


Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Images.

In an open letter addressed to "incredible women who strive for excellence," Williams shared some real talk about the real effects of gender bias.

Appearing in Porter Magazine's "Incredible Women of 2016" issue (and reprinted at The Guardian), Williams talks about what it's like being one of the most hugely successful women in the world and the struggle and frustration that goes along with it.

Opening with a line about her childhood dream of becoming the greatest tennis player in the world, Williams went on to say how thankful she is to have a family that was there for her to support that goal.

"People call me one of the 'world’s greatest female athletes,'" she writes. "Do they say LeBron is one of the world’s best male athletes? Is Tiger? Federer? Why not? They are certainly not female. We should never let this go unchallenged."

Too often, women and girls are limited by society and even by loved ones. We can work to change that.

Speaking in Lima, Peru, earlier this month, President Obama opened up about some of the unnecessary roadblocks women and girls face in the world.

"The leaders and the men in every country need to understand that the countries that are most successful are going to be the countries that give opportunities to girls and women, and not just boys and men," he told the audience during a question-and-answer session.

Changing the culture of limitations will take action in government, in business, in education, and yes, in parenting.

Over the years, numerous studies have shown that when it comes to self-esteem, there's a major difference between boys and girls. When it comes to asking why this is the case, there are a number of theories, many of which center around culture and upbringing.

As both Obama and Williams suggest, removing the roadblocks women face in the professional world means setting girls up for success from the start. Girls need to know that they can be anything they want — astronaut, scientist, engineer, president, or even the greatest tennis player in the world.

The world needs role models and strong women who follow big dreams.

"As we know, women have to break down many barriers on the road to success," Williams writes. "One of those barriers is the way we are constantly reminded we are not men, as if it is a flaw."

For the sake of future generations, we must set aside this notion that being a woman is a bad thing and that men are the default. That's why it's important that we see people like Williams, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Oprah Winfrey, Sheryl Sandberg, and Michelle Obama as not only some of the greatest and most successful women, but as some of the most successful people of our time as well.

The end goal, of course, must be to eliminate the unique hardships women and girls face for no reason other than their gender.

Discrimination exists in America. That's just reality. The existence of successful women isn't proof that sexism is over, just as the existence of successful people of color isn't proof that racism is over. These elements exist in society, whether they're on the basis of gender, religion, race, or a number of other factors.

One step forward, as Williams suggests, is using what others view as weakness as fuel and motivation. Until the world no longer looks at women and people of color as "lesser" because of who they are, it's important that we acknowledge just how extraordinary women like Williams are.

On the stump in Ohio this week, President Obama directed a crucial part of his speech to men:

Photo by Ty Wright/Getty Images.

In particular, he asked us to search our feelings about Hillary Clinton — and ask ourselves why they're often, in his view, disproportionately negative.


"You know, there's a reason why we haven't had a woman president before... I want every man out there who's voting to kind of look inside yourself and ask yourself: If you're having problems with this stuff, how much of it is, you know, that we're just not used to it. When a guy's ambitious and out in the public arena and working hard, well that's OK, but when a woman does it, suddenly you're all like, 'Well, why's she doing that?' I'm just being honest. I want you to think about it."

A sitting president asking half of the electorate to examine their own prejudices against a current presidential candidate is a pretty unprecedented move.

Photo by Ty Wright/Getty Images.

Not only has a woman never led a major party ticket before, but asking men to search their souls about their unwilling, unconscious participation in structural discrimination against women in general is not something that, historically, has gone over particularly well with... you know, men.

Predictably, there was outrage, notably in the conservative press.

A Breitbart report on the speech claimed the president was "ridiculing" Trump supporters and suggesting that "men are sexist if they support Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton."

Hot Air's Allahpundit found Obama's speech patronizing and mocked the president for "politely scolding them for their sexism towards poor, crooked Hillary."

There are, of course, valid reasons to dislike Hillary Clinton other than sexism.

You might be a conservative-minded person spooked by some of her left-of-center policy ideas. You might be irked by her close ties to Wall Street. Her 2002 vote for a pivotal Iraq War resolution might give you pause.

But implicit gender bias is a real thing, and the fact that it's unconscious is what makes it so hard to acknowledge and fight.

And science backs up the notion that it's a particular problem for women seeking positions of authority or applying for jobs in general.

A University of Texas study found that women applying for fellowships in geoscience were 50% less likely to receive "excellent" recommendations from their references, compared to their male peers.

A McKinsey/Lean In analysis found that women's share of the workforce declines at every subsequent level of management — while 46% of entry-level employees are women, only 19% of C-suite executives are. Women in the study reported feeling unfairly treated, and a majority felt promotions in their workplace were not awarded based on merit.

The notion that ambitious women are untrustworthy and unlikeable isn't just a Hillary Clinton thing either. Elizabeth Warren, frequently held up as the ideal "if only" candidate for left-leaning Democrats, was subject to many of the same attacks when she ran for senate in Massachusetts.

Now that a woman is applying for the most important job in the world, President Obama is right — we should at least ask ourselves the question and be honest with ourselves.

Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images.

Not to flagellate ourselves for being bad, sexist idiots, but to try to identify a small, unconscious piece that might make life subtly harder for the women in our lives — and in public life.

If it's not there, then great! But it can't hurt to try and know one way or the other — and to work on it if it is.

It doesn't mean you have to vote for Hillary. It just means ... think about stuff. You know?

Like, just think about it. A little.

The stakes are too high not to at least wonder.

In 2012, designer Wendy Fox was watching the London Olympics when she noticed something about the women athletes.

"I was really amazed by the physical diversity of the female athletes and how vastly they differ depending on the requirements of the sport," says Fox.


The Women's 100-meter hurdles at the 2012 Olympics in London. Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images.

Some of the fastest, strongest, most athletic, and inspiring women in the world don't have bodies that adhere to a societal ideal. They have bodies built for speed, agility, strength, and in short — kicking ass.

Fox decided to turn all 276 female gold medal winners into a poster of inspiration, perspiration, and representation.

Photo via Kickstarter/Wendy Fox.

You may know some of their names — like McKayla Maroney, Misty May-Treanor, and Serena Williams — but you probably haven't heard of most of them.

That might be because, according to a 25-year study, the coverage of women's sports in media is often shamefully small when compared to the coverage men's sports get.

In 2016, a little less than half of the athletes competing in the Olympics will be women. The most in history. So Wendy Fox is stepping it up.

She's turned to Kickstarter to help fund a poster and book filled with illustrations of every woman who wins gold in the Rio Olympics.

Photo via Kickstarter/Wendy Fox.

The goal is to inspire young girls — who will see accomplished women athletes held up as high as men often are — but also to help foster a worldwide interest in women's sports.

Women athletes are too often objectified and sexualized, with little attention paid to their athletic prowess.

A quick Google search for "female athletes" will yield a depressing amount of listicles containing the "hottest" or "sexiest" female athletes instead of anything remotely substantive.

Not to mention the fact that women in general are still held to absurd beauty standards and often judged for the way they look far more than their merits and accomplishments.

Serena Williams at Wimbledon 2016. Photo by Clive Brunskill/Getty Images.

Just look at what happens over and over to Serena Williams, inarguably one of the greatest athletes of all time. She has to wade through absurd body-shaming controversies while she's busy doing awesome things like, I dunno, WINNING WIMBLEDON.

In her illustrations, Fox is careful to draw the athletes to scale, beautifully depicting the fact that all heights, builds, weights, and skin colors are capable of greatness.

"I would love for girls to look at this project and discover a sport that’s for them," writes Fox in her Kickstarter campaign, "especially a sport that they didn’t even know existed before and for them to make a conscious shift in their perception of what it is that their bodies are capable of."

Photo via Kickstarter/Wendy Fox.

So pay attention in Rio 2016, because the list of women champions is probably going to fill up fast. And if you pay closer attention, you'll see that champions come in all shapes and sizes.